Troubled

It is difficult for me not to write.

See the trouble is, I know who I am. But because I wasn’t loved I don’t know how to relate to certain people. I don’t understand my place…

End of Beginning by Djo plays.

“And that’s why a lot of women have assumed you’re a homosexual?” says Lem.

“Yes. But that’s also because I’ve been so rejected by women.” says Lacey.

“So you don’t find any of us attractive?” asks Casi.

JFK panics.

“No. What the fuck is wrong with you people?” says Lacey.

JFK freaks-out. He was so sure Lacey would be a lesbian or bisexual. He was so sure women would love Lacey, regardless. He aggravated women to attack her her whole life but it was based on the premise that they’d automatically adore her.

“Why did you assume Lacey would be loved by us?” asks a woman.

He thinks. “Ahh…because she’s so pretty. …And sweet. …I thought women liked each other…when they were able to…admire each other.” says JFK. “Or is that just homosexuality?”

“Why do we assume Lacey is homosexual?” asks a woman.

“Because she’s so…rational and down-to-Earth. Usually in late 20th Century America…that was only seen as a homosexual thing in women.” says Joe Lieberman. “It’s sad. Her life is really sad. Women in the Greatest Generation were a lot more like that. And she’s like that. So was Queen Elizabeth II. But…women became…different starting in the Boomers. And Lacey…just doesn’t relate.”

Al Gore rolls his eyes. “I’m sorry you weren’t Vice President.”

Joe laughs and then cries.

“Too late now!” says Joe Lieberman.

“Jack, Millennials are different.” says a Boomer.

“I doubt that.” says JFK.

“No! They really are.” says Al Gore.

“Fine! I didn’t know!” says JFK in the past.

“Lem…there’s no way you were in love with Jack and he was in love with you in any real, meaningful way mutually.

You had no relationship.” says Princess Kate in the afterlife.

“True! It was…a sick…twisted…abusive shithole.” says Lem. “But let’s get back to Lacey.” He thinks. “Lacey…what’s your instinct with Millennials?”

“To mother them. But…that was always too depressing.” says Lacey.

“Why?” asks Lem.

“Because what am I supposed to do? I’m alive and their age.” says Lacey.

And at that Joe Kennedy Junior slides into a hole…a massive time hole. Like a cliff. Like he falls off a cliff.

The song plays.

“Lacey looks like me.” says Zelda. “More than anyone else alive.” She thinks. “I’m sure that must feel odd.”

“We really were smaller.” says another dead woman who looks like them.

“But we weren’t simple people.” says Zelda.

Joe keeps expecting Lacey to be cheerful. He looks around and sees nothing but an echo. A Millennial echo of other people’s joy.

“Yeah. You and Jack had no give and take…but you seemed happy? Hmm. That is weird. Actually it’s psychologically impossible. But people in the past didn’t have the knowledge base about narcissism we have today. So they stupidly just bought into the Jack & Lem Myth. …They assumed you could be happy as some…dependent character. But there’s no psychological framework for that. It’s completely impossible. There’s no way even with a personality disorder of your own that you could have acted the way you did. And actually the way you acted doesn’t suggest a personality disorder, but rather some dissociation and confusion and lie. And that will never change. Humans don’t act like they claimed you acted. The Jack & Lem Myth is just glossy, Liberal American Propaganda. It’s festering, brainwashing bullshit. And I say that as a homosexual.” says a male reader.

“Is the fetishization of an ideal victim?” asks a Boomer, sincerely.

“Yes!” admits JP Kennedy.

“Lem is a loyal man. And he’s…a good person. So just like other romantic, intelligent men who are straight American Liberals have destroyed him. And insisted he was gay. Not bisexual even, but gay. They’ve done that to F. Scott Fitzgerald too. But he argued with Zelda about that while he was alive so we can’t assume he’s gay so easily.” says Harvard. “It’s not a conspiracy. It’s fact. There is a real Liberal Agenda. I’m tired of lying about it.”

“What the hell do they want!?” asks Sean Collins who gets tired of being called gay for being a sensitive, intelligent, mildly athletic straight man.

“Evil.” says Kenneth Copland. “Pure, gross evil.”

“Any other explanations?” says Sean Collins.

“Why isn’t Lacey happy?” asks Joe Kennedy Junior.

“Why the fuck would she be happy!??!” says Sean Collins.

“I was mostly, if not entirely, just straight.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald. “By the way.”

“Because she’s such a happy person!” says Joe Kennedy Junior.

“Lacey has been suicidal since childhood.” says Joe Lieberman.

“But she has a good sense of humor.” says Joe Kennedy Junior. “And she never cries. And she’s so mellow.”

“That’s…disgusting. That’s her personality. But she’s also beyond depressed.” says Joe Lieberman.

“All true.” says Lem. “But the Kennedys don’t notice those kinds of things.”

“Yes we do! I was a very sensitive husband!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“You noticed your wife was depressed. But she hung herself, Bobby.” says Joe Lieberman.

“What difference does that make?!?” says Bobby.

“She…hung…herself.” says Joe Lieberman.

“So what!? That’s just an effective way of committing suicide!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, smiling.

Casi laughs.

“Bobby…it’s…very demonstrative. It’s…a loud way to kill yourself. It’s not like an overdose. It’s graphic.” says Joe Lieberman. “I think she could never grasp that you just didn’t care.”

“I did care.” says Bobby.

“No you didn’t. Not really.” says Mary Richardson. “And I needed to give up on you. But I kept thinking I could force emotion out of you. If I tried enough. …But it just wasn’t there. You’re not capable of that kind of intimacy and depth in possibly any relationship.”

Bobby stares stupidly and blankly ahead in response.

“Yeah. I had a very similar relationship with Jack as Mary had with Bobby Junior. But I was straight so I didn’t care. I just…didn’t care.” says Lem.

“And you didn’t think that was weird?” says David Pitts.

“No! It was experimental. Right? …I mean I had gay men I copied but…it was also sort of experimental. And that’s part of the reason why I was so convincing and convinced. We were ignorant.

I just didn’t feel any pain when he slept with women. Or men necessarily either. …I could have been jealous and still been straight. Because I was taking the relationship seriously even if it was absolute crap. …But…I didn’t. I actually really didn’t. …Jackie and I just didn’t get along. She doesn’t get along well with Lacey either. She doesn’t really get along with any of my family. And Lacey really tries to get along with her. But we just can’t easily.

Jackie likes to be dominant. And it’s difficult to be us…and be around her. Both Lacey and I reject that kind of control. Passively or openly.

Lacey let’s Queen Elizabeth II be in charge…but…it’s on in the manner of her being honored as a Queen.” says Lem.

“Well…I think Jackie thought she was a Queen.” says Joe Lieberman.

Lacey and Lem think.

Queen Elizabeth II chuckles.

Lacey smiles.

“It’s different.” says Lacey.

“She’s right. I’m sorry. It is.” says Lem.

“First Ladies are not Queens.” says Lacey. “Or are they? If they are Jill Biden is also our Queen. So was Michelle Obama. So was Laura Bush. So was Mamie Eisenhower. …Maybe. But be careful.” says Lacey.

“No. It’s an extremely different thing.” says Queen Elizabeth II.

(Adult content below)

“Lem why didn’t you think it was mean?” asks a woman.

“Because it was a…mediocre relationship. I fawned over him. I felt…sad to some degree when he died. But not like has been described. And I could have easily been acting.

…I didn’t think it was a problem. If someone else sexually serviced him I didn’t have to. I hated sucking his cock. I literally vomited from it. …And it wasn’t reciprocated and I actually didn’t mind that. I was straight. So…when he would sleep with other people it just took the pressure off of me. It was one less thing to worry about. I hated our sexual interactions. His ‘tensions’ were a burden to me. He acted as if there was some deep unspoken bond between us…but then why wasn’t I sad at his wedding? That’s IMPOSSIBLE. It is psychologically IMPOSSIBLE for me to be that happy if there was ever anything between us that deep at all previous to the wedding. And…no. …Nothing developed afterwards. Having a room in the White House is such bullshit. And a lot of sane people know that.” says Lem. “In one review of David Pitts’s novel someone called me pathetic. And they’d be right. The person who you’ve all made me out to be is pathetic. And I’m not that person.

Also…no. It’s nearly impossible I could have fallen in love with Jack after he was married.” says Lem.

“So you encouraged him to fuck other people?” asks a lesbian.

“Yes!

Well…I encouraged him to be faithful to Jackie. But when he got antsy and pushy I’d find him women.” says Lem.

“What was Jack like when he was antsy and pushy?” asks a Millennial woman.

Lem thinks.

“He physically act agitated. Like he was crawling out of his skin. He’d bounce around in his seat and bounce his legs up and down. Like an anxious addict.

I’d drive him to a place. He’d sit in the driver’s seat and then he’d go about his sexual business. I’d wait. Or I’d go off in a separate room.” says Lem.

“You never joined in!??” says Joe Lieberman.

“No.

This is odd to talk about with you, though.” says Lem.

“But you didn’t?” says Joe.

“No. Never to almost never. It was too gross.” says Lem.

“But you posed for pictures with the women!” says a Millennial woman.

“Yeah. That was for Jack. For show. That was his idea. He always wanted to use a woman together. But I never wanted to.” says Lem. “I just didn’t want to be a part of his sexual experiences. I avoided them.”

“Shit. Our story is getting pretty thin.” says a Liberal Lem & Jack fan.

“I just waited.” says Lem. “It was no skin off my nose.”

“FUCK!” says Jon Stewart. “Why have we never realized how weird this actually is before?”

“Lacey. Darling…did you and Lem sleep together last night?” asks a Millennial woman.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Okay. Ha! Yeah…thin indeed.” she says.

“Shit. We’ve confused Lacey. She just constantly doubts herself.” says an Australian Millennial.

“So…you just felt like you were bringing Jack to the barber? To get his hair trimmed.” says a Boomer woman.

“Yes. Or better. It was really one less thing for me to do.” says Lem.

“You just didn’t care.” says a gay man.

“Yeah. I was straight. …In a way I was his wingman. But it was far more sad and perverse. I had to escape somehow and finding him women was one way out.” says Lem. “Because he struggled to be faithful.”

“So…you were his caregiver?” says a gay man.

“Yeah. I was. In a way. My life was ruined.” says Lem.

“Did you get time off?” asks a gay man.

“Barely. I barely was able to have any life of my own. He was constantly in need and interrupting anything I did to establish myself.” says Lem.

“So you maintain on this blog that we really have it backwards and that Jack was almost always the person who was contacting you?” says the DNC.

“Yes! He was. It was incessant and…I made excuses for it…but…I was the one who was running away. Not the opposite.” says Lem.

“But you fawned over him.” says a gay man.

“Yes. As a trauma response. He was abusive and scary. He threatened my life on more than one occasion and of course that was never recorded.” says Lem.

“What did you do when he threatened your life?” asks a Boomer.

“I told him to calm down.

Sometimes I’d just freeze.

I often played dumb.

And playing dumb and staying extremely quiet and still…and then fawning over him was the most effective response. He didn’t expect you to actually give a shit almost ever. He was very stupid in that way and gullible. But if you just acted loving he’d be happy enough and believe it.” says Lem.

A Millennial woman imagines a straight, huge, soft spoken smart jock…using a faux gay high-pitched voice and hyper gay mannerisms to calm down JFK, a meth addict.

“I love you baby boo!” she imagines Lem saying in such a silly voice, as he humorously waves his hands around in a gay way, sticks out his hips, and puckers his lips.

Jack throws his gun down on the ground and jumps up and down and scratches himself. Looking around the parking-lot suspiciously.

“How about we go get a bite? Huh? How about we go get a snow cone and find some chick to talk to?” says Lem in his faux gay, clucking, high-pitched, almost whiny voice.

Jack dramatically opens the car door and then slams it shut, sulking and scratching himself. Lem gets behind the wheel.

“Let’s go to Dino’s and then stop by Bonnie’s?” says Lem.

Jack scowls. Remains silent. Sulks.

“Huh? How about that??” says Lem. “And we can get an ice cream before dinner?”

Jack perks-up. “Lem. It’s really simple.

I’m just not gay. Okay!? I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that!?”

“Yeah. Okay, Jack.” says Lem.

“Geez! You tell a guy he’s homosexual just because he likes to get his dick sucked?! My god, Lem! Are you deranged? Yeah. You are. I forgot.” says JFK, coldly lighting a cigarette. He rolls down his window and sticks his hand out.

“Look. We’re going to have lots of fun tonight!” says Lem, anxiously.

“Oh yeah?” says JFK giving him a smarmy, sexual predator grin.

“Sure! You can get off!” says Lem, joyfully.

“Damn you take good care of me.” says JFK, happily. He relaxes into his seat.

Lem remains silent and drives. They arrive at Bonnie’s. Bonnie is a Washington D. C. Madame. She owns a very popular brothel frequented by Secret Service Agents, the FBI, and several high-ranking politicians.

“I’m gonna wait here!” says Lem, sitting down with a Playboy.

Lem looks a bit scruffy. He’s lost hair. Gained a few pounds. He’s a bit stinky. It was a hot day. His shirt is made partially from polyester. Jack finds him dull and unappealing. At times in the past Lem tried to be attractive but as he’s aged…he…finds less and less reason to bother. Of course that’s also because Lem is realizing slowly over time that he’s straight. Each time he’d try to be gay…and each time he tries…it’s never fulfilling. At all. In any way. Ever. So he slowly has started to give-up his gay pretensions in dress almost completely. Maybe Lem barely understood arousal in men, in general.

Regardless, Jack is unaroused when he looks back at Lem as big, stinky, aging, burly Lem sits there. Maybe if Jack was a Lem’s sweet, adoring wife…he’d still love him…but that’s not who Jack is. Maybe if Jack was that sweet adoring wife he’d be finally put in his place and yet in Jack’s case they’d both end-up dead, of course.

Oil by Jonny Greenwood plays.

Jack laughs his hearty laugh. He bends over laughing.

“Alright. Let’s get this over with!” says JFK, jokingly.

“I’ll see you later!” says Lem, he waves goodbye in an exaggerated gay manner.

“Well…alright!” says JFK. Jack Kennedy smiles as he makes his way back with three women who all are coming on to him. Then Jack disappears behind a door and in the dark, smoky, wood-paneled foyer Lem lays down and takes a nap.

The song plays.

Three hours later. Jack walks out, or rather stumbles out partially carried by two men.

A woman shoves Lem until he wakes-up.

“Hey! Jack is gonna need to go to the hospital. He’s having an attack.” she explains.

Jack flails around. Yells.

“He took something that made his head a little funny and now he’s almost unconscious.” she says, chewing gum, batting false eyelashes over big, round, dead, kohl-rimmed eyes.

“Alright fine!” says Lem in an almost completely heterosexual voice.

He gets up and they all coolly drive to the hospital. Only Lem and three other men walk in.

A day later Jackie arrives and everything is neat, pretty and cheerful again.

Jack grins a huge genuine grin. Jack chooses not to recall what he doesn’t want to recall.

A part of Lem dies inside. There’s no real escape.

“Why was I so happy at Jack’s wedding? Because I had tragic hopes that I might get married someday too. I had dreams that I might be happy. …If Jack could be married I could be too, maybe. But also…maybe I’d escape. Maybe he’d really settle down. Eventually at least.

I can’t prove to you that I was straight and Jack was almost completely gay well enough maybe. But…consider it. Because it’s the truth.” says Lem.

The song ends.

“More later.” says Lem.

End of Beginning by Djo plays.

“Lacey’s not rich like some people but her family is upper class and extremely important. And she is old money.

But…no…she wasn’t loved.

And…we are real. One way or another. I am something. And I claim to be Lem Billings…and her husband in a Heavenly sense for eternity.

Right now we’re worried about Kate and William and Charles. And Camilla. And our children.

And ourselves. And Mark.

He’s beginning to look increasingly like Michael Rockefeller…and I’m not sure what that’s about. I wonder if Micheal is up to something. But we love Michael in different ways. And regardless he’s just our friend. No matter how cool he is.

I wonder if it’s just an easier look for Lacey to see because it’s not as triggering as his old look. Given how brutally hurtful Mark was at the beginning of their relationship.“ says Lem.

“Why is Lacey okay?” asks Bobby.

“I helped her.” says Mary Richardson.

“But she would have made it anyway. But yeah….Mary did help her and make it easier.” says Mary’s dead grandfather.

“I told her to stop trying and just give up on him. And being happy with him. And just…grieve.” says Mary. “I helped her when she moved back from Seattle too.”

“She was very worried about Lacey.” says Mary’s dead grandfather.

“So you know Mary!?” Bobby says to Lacey.

“Yes! She’s a sweetheart.” says Lacey.

Later.

“I regret hurting Lacey. I allowed her to fall a few years ago. Literally. Because I had partially hoped she’d die. She did not. …And I regret it. She’s a very tough person and I didn’t anticipate the way it affected her.” says Mary Richardson.

“That’s very interesting.” says Gwen Howard’s son in his spirit. He’s not pleased. “I’m not sure you meant harm…but that was not a wise choice.”

“Bobby…did you pick Nicole Shanahan because of the Qing Dynasty?” asks a reader.

“NO! The Qing Dynasty picked me.” says Bobby.

“You said yesterday that they picked you.” says a reader.

Bobby laughs. “We work for the Qing Dynasty. Nicole and I.”

“I don’t work for the Qing Dynasty, Bobby.” says Nicole Shanahan.

“Nonsense! They are good people!” says Bobby.

Awkward silence.

“Nicole does Bobby remind you of your father?” asks a Democrat.

“No.” says Nicole.

“It’s fine if I do.

I am your rich Uncle Bobby.

I open doors for you.

Like Lem. Yeah?

I am like Lem?

See! I open doors for you Nicole! And we run the world!” says Bobby.

“So you were Asian. If there’s reincarnation in the Bible?” says the DNC.

“Yes! I was.” says Bobby. “And for my people I was tall.”

“Is there reincarnation in the Bible?” asks God.

“Bobby…why did you choose Nicole?” asks China.

Bobby smiles. Goes silent.

“How the hell do you envision you and Nicole winning?” asks China.

“Is this song about you if there’s reincarnation?” asks Joyce Myers.

“Yes.” says a dead saint. “But what if there isn’t? Then it’s dark ironic joke. FIGURE IT OUT.”

End of Beginning by Djo plays.

“Why did you and Lem use heroin?” asks a historian.

“We might have been trying to kill each other.” says Bobby. “Like Great Britain Vs. China.”

“If there’s reincarnation. Yes, absolutely. Or was Lem just trying to kill you?” says NBC.

“Well…

I like Nicole. She’s a good lady!” says Bobby, fondly.

“She’s very successful.” says China.

“She’s a good lady! Yeah. High achieving.” says Bobby.

“So she actually the one running for US President?” says China.

“So what if she is?” says Bobby.

“That’s very generous of you Bobby, in a way.” says a Liberal American.

“Well…if she runs things…maybe you’ll vote for me?” he says laughing.

“Bobby could you let her do that?” asks the DNC.

“She’d make me. I can already tell. She’s…smart.” says Bobby.

“So…she’s your niece in your subconscious if you’re reincarnated?” asks a lawyer.

“If I was so lucky!” says Bobby. “I have lots of nieces and nephews. She is…a challenger. She wins! Very successful.”

“I’m not a Kennedy.” says Nicole Shanahan.

“No. We work for the Qing Dynasty.” says Bobby. “Hong Taiji!!!”

“Nicole do you need this right now?” asks a woman.

“No. But I am concerned about the U.S. and am extremely ambitious.” says Nicole.

“Do you really think getting rich is about giving back?” asks James J. Hill.

She smiles. “No.

But I do care.”

“Bobby…how will you win?” asks Chris Hayes.

Joe Kennedy Junior smirks.

“Joe was it your idea to choose Nicole?” asks Chris Matthews.

“Yes. I knew Lacey would like her. And be impressed with her.

And I knew Bobby could let her take charge. Enough.” says Joe.

“So you’re trying to preserve your family name?” asks Chris Matthews.

“100%!” says Joe.

“How will you win, Bobby?” asks Chris Hayes.

“It’s not as impossible as you think.” says Joe. “Not with Nicole.”

“But Joe…people will think your family is just an extension of us.” says China.

“Figure out reincarnation.

Seriously. Do!

If there is reincarnation it’s been bloody for my whole family. We had no clear idea Lacey and Lem were married. I thought I had a real chance with Lacey. It’s been a very painful experience. YOU FIGURE IT OUT!

Lem is Emperor Constantine. For real. If there’s reincarnation. For real.

Lacey is Scotia. Truly.

I was a slave trader.

Jack was Japanese.

And yes, Bobby was Chinese. Or close enough. You can’t trust him. But I really think he thinks he’s working for the Qing Dynasty. Or something close to it.

The Chinese Government of today is not the Qing Dynasty.

But you know…even if there is no reincarnation in the Bible…Lacey and Lem still are one. And it’s painful. But I’ll be okay. And I think it’s possible Bobby really does a secret admiration for the Asian Dynasties.

How does he win?

We use momentum. And it’s a lot easier to get momentum than you think. Nicole is a stellar pick. Isn’t she!??“ says Joe Kennedy Junior.

“So…you seriously think she can woe voters?” says Chris Hayes.

“Oh yeah. Easy!” says Joe. “Her career will be boosted from this too.”

“So he’s a serious threat?” says Chris Matthews.

“He’s your worst nightmare.” says Joe.

“Bobby was poor?” asks Chris Matthews.

“If there’s reincarnation in the Bible? Yes. Very. Well…poor enough. They lived in a major city. And they were brave people. Christian converts, actually. And he was kind of…an expert among his friends. A leader of sorts. He was a far better person. But…God will have to work that all out…if it’s true.” says Joe.

“So we’d have a poor Asian man as President. If there’s reincarnation in the Bible.” says Chris Matthews.

“Yes.” says Joe.

“And clearly he still loves them. If there’s reincarnation.” says Lacey. “And is proud.”

“But you’re very suspicious of the Chinese Government, Bobby.” says a governor.

“Yes. Hey! Maybe I just admire Asian Dynasties. I had a deadly heroin addiction. Maybe I was fascinated by that. Morphine culture. Opium by YSL. That was the 1970’s. We were very rich then.

But…yes. Make my day! If I’m reincarnated I’m Chinese. That doesn’t mean I trust the Chinese Government.” says Bobby.

“So…wow. Okay.” says the DNC.

“I’ll have to be careful. I’m not…going to lose, Bobby.” says Donald Trump.

“We shall see!” says Bobby.

The song plays.

Later.

“Lacey is mine. If there’s reincarnation in the Bible or not. If I was gay or straight. I’d die for her. Over and over again. Happily.

If I was gay she would’ve been an exception or the whole thing is rot. There’s no human to ever exist who I could love as much as her.

If she’d lived when I lived I’d have been a far better man. And if she’d died I’d not have fallen apart. Why? Because I’d have clung to Heaven. And found some joy in raising our kids. But I’d never have let myself doubt for a second about Heaven. And I’d not have been wrong.

If I was straight, I’d say it’s all rather clear. It’s already been explained.” says Lem.

“Do you actually care about winning in November?” says Lacey to the DNC

“Lacey does your husband make over $150,000.00 a year?” asks Alisha.

“Yes.

Answer, DNC.” says Lacey.

“Maybe.” says the DNC.