Cool-Kids

“What will happen if Lacey dies?” asks Lem, laughing.

“Lord willing my kids and Mark will dead in a week.” says Lacey.

“Still don’t give a fuck.” says the evil Illuminati.

“Even if it looks weird?” says Matthew Nesheim.

“We can repress it.” says the evil Illuminati.

“Not easily.” says Lacey. “But okay.”

“It’s gonna look really weird.” says Matthew.

“Yeah. But almost nobody gives a shit about her…and her own doctors are narcissistically threatened by her, possibly.” says the evil Illuminati.

“True. But…then what?

It is gonna look really weird.” says the local NBC News.

“Why do you have to cover it?” says the evil Illuminati.

“HONG TAIJI!” yells Bobby, in a victory yelp.

“We…could not cover it…but…her neighbors would likely have something to say. To other people. Or the coroners would. Or her family would. Or Mark’s co-workers would.

Look…you can’t kidnap them. That’s nuclear war. Or what? A quicker death. You’re stuck, yo.” says the local NBC News.

“Okay. So it looks weird. So what!?” says the evil Illuminati.

“So that’s just the start.” says Lem.

“I’ll be murdering millions of hostages.” says Lacey. “So literally millions of people will suddenly have unexplainable deaths.”

“Yeah. You could blow up her whole family at once. But you’d need to blow them all up.” says Lem. “At once.”

“Anyway…let’s keep going.” says Lacey. “So it looks weird as heck. And then millions of people die suddenly in unexplainable deaths. And it for real looks odd. Because that’s a lot of bodies.

And then…I wait and see. Or Lem already is on it. And we kill billions of people.” says Lacey.

“How?” asks the CIA.

Blue Boy by Mac DeMarco plays.

“An earthquake or two? A deadly plague. An asteroid or two? Floods. Shootings. War. I’ll figure it out.” says Lacey.

“So I take it growing-up didn’t happen for you, you ugly peasant bitch!” yells a narcissist at Lacey. Possibly her doctor.

“Oh! I should be happy?” says Lacey.

“YEAH!! FUCK YOU!” yells the woman.

“Do you really mean to say this?” asks the CIA.

“No. But…that was my vibe today.” says the woman.

“Are you intimidated by Lacey?” asks the CIA.

“Yeah. She’s a very intimidating person.” says the doctor.

“She’s my daughter.” says Tom Banks.

“Are you really that intimidating?” asks the doctor.

“He paid us off. $60,000 each. And her father Jim agreed to it, readily. Because Becca was aging and the doctors didn’t think she could have more children anyway. …Jim arranged it all. And we were paid to shut-up. And we did. Also…it was common to switch kids at birth in rare circumstances. Back then. In hospitals. Like if an aging mother had a stillborn child and an underage mother gave birth and didn’t want the child….we’d just brush everything under the rug. Often. …So it wasn’t a big deal. He was a very scary man…and we were paid well…and…Jim…controlled the whole thing.” says a midwife at HCMC in Minneapolis from the early 1980’s. “Prove otherwise. Do a real blood sample and test it. Look…if you can…you need to figure out why she’s nothing like her parents. Because she’s not. She’s just not.

This really might be what happened. She was literally off the charts when she was an infant for both height and weight. Her head was also unusually big. And she was way ahead in her developmental milestones. …They were concerned and thought about putting her on a diet. But they didn’t think it was as serious as some things are because she was so healthy and her height matched her weight.”

“That’s all actual fact!??” shouts a reader.

“Yes. 100%. …Maybe I wasn’t paid $60,000 and she isn’t Tom’s biological daughter. But the rest of it is true. Especially the part about her height and weight.” says the midwife who supposedly delivered Lacey.

“Hong Taiji!!” yells Bobby.

Blue Boy by Mac DeMarco plays.

“Maybe I’m not the one controlling her to sound so smart.” says an Illuminati psychic.

“She’s writing it herself.” says Lem.

“Okay!?” says the evil Illuminati.

“Do you guys need her to actually cause a nuclear war? Because I have a very strong feeling she literally could. For real.” says a reader.

“HONG TAIJI!!” yells Bobby, marching.

“So…you think she can actually do that??” says the evil Illuminati.

“Yeah.

You guys…how close are we?!?!?” says a reader.

The evil Illuminati thinks. Calculates.

Feel It All Around by Washed Out plays.

“Ahh.

Hmm.

Okay.

See…how much is coincidental!??” they say.

“HOLY SHIT!” yells a reader.

“Yeah. Okay. So Micheal warned us about a banking crisis he was going to cause and then last spring we almost had one. And yeah. They keep warning us. But…I mean…you gotta use Occams Razor and crap. Right?” says the evil Illuminati.

“Are you fucking serious!??” yells a dead woman.

“Look…I gotta be…discerning.” says the evil Illuminati.

“Are you- Wow. Umm. Okay.” says the dead woman in shock.

“Yeah. You all are super slow.” says a dead AIDS victim the evil Illuminati.

“Can you all hold off on killing her for like…eight years?” says Bobby Kennedy Senior.

“HONG TAIJI!” shouts Bobby Kennedy Junior.

The evil Illuminati rolls its eyes.

“Bobby tries to kill her too.” says the evil Illuminati. They shrug. Super chill. Hilariously chill, actually. Lacking-in-self-awareness chill.

“Yeah…but…like…what happens if she dies?” asks a reader.

“What happens if I die!?” asks Princess Kate.

Lacey thinks. “You’ll be a poltergeist.” says Lacey.

“Will I be?” asks King Charles III.

Midnight City by M83 plays for Bobby who is indeed possibly waiting ‘in the car in Harvard Yard’ for a Royal dawn. Listen to what it sounds like they’re saying.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“I am.” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“Lots of us are.” says a dead Greatest Generation member.

“OH FUCK!” yells the CIA.

“What? You not ready for the wrath…of the great Hong Taiji?” says Bobby.

“Bobby…if there’s reincarnation have you personally met him?” asks the CIA.

“Hong Taiji? No. It is my dream. And my hope. I…admire him. And the other heroes the great Qing Dynasty. You should already know. It’s sad you don’t.” says Bobby.

A reader laughs. “Umm…so do we want nuclear war or not?”

“Yes or no?” asks another reader.

Salad Days by Mac DeMarco plays.

“Is her life already over?” asks Casi.

“YES! Almost.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald. “It has been since she was 30.”

“So…I have no idea how to relate to her.” says Casi.

“NO! Not really.” says Scott.

“I’d bet she was so happy for me.” says Casi.

“Yes. She was.” says Lem.

“Are you still married?” says Lacey.

“So she’s really that well off…and smart…and pretty…and cloistered… And even if she’s loving people just don’t give a fuck.” says Casi.

“Yeah. Nuclear war or no?” says a reader.

“Why the fuck do we have to think!?” says the evil Illuminati, rubbing their heads.

“WHAT!?!” says a reader.

“Yeah. It’s just exhausting!

For real!

Lots of us are very rich but we work for it. Long hours. And we are seriously stressed-out.” they say.

“Yeah that’s the point of suffocating her. To make it even.” says Bobby.

“But that’s absurd. And lots of old money people aren’t as stressed-out as new money people.” says M6. “That’s the whole point of the class system.”

“Yeah. Okay. But…whatever.

We’re tired.” says the evil Illuminati.

“So this is kind of important.” says a reader. “Should we have a nuclear war or not?”

Someday by The Strokes plays.

“Mmmm…no?” they say. “No?”

“NO?!? Just no!?!” says Bobby.

“Yeah. Just…no?” says the evil Illuminati.

Lights Are On plays ironically for Bobby who is torn between continuing to try to suffocate Lacey…and helping her. He’s a man in crisis.

“Yeah. Lem might have been straight. I guess.

Ha! Whatever.” says Bobby. He fumes. He ponders.

“Do you want to be US President?” asks Joe Kennedy Junior of Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“I will be an emperor.” says Bobby. “A great man.”

“Not as much as before.” says Joe.

“But it’s fine! We’re cool!” says the CIA.

Jealous by Eyedress plays for evil men who sacrifice beautiful women or who admire it.

“Well. I’ll check back later. Maybe we can do nuclear war. Maybe not.” says Lacey.

“No.” says Bobby. “I wanna win!!”

“Well….hopefully they’ll decide against it then? Or God will.” says Lacey.

Je te laisserai des mots by Patrick Watson plays.

“I need to make dinner.” says Lacey.

“What is it?” asks Bobby, skeptically.

“Brisket. I’m saving the gravy for Easter mashed potatoes.” says Lacey.

“Dammit. I wish the brisket was for me.” says Bobby, crying.

“It’s okay! I’ll make you brisket someday!!!” says a dead Chinese woman, cheerfully.

“Do I even like that!?” he says.

“Yeah. It’s okay.

You come to Heaven. And you’ll see! Okay!?!” she says.

“I’ll be sure to bring my appetite.” says Bobby.

“Yeah. You’ll be happy!” says the woman.

“I wanna go now!” he says, crying.

“But you’re running for President!!!” she says brightly.

“Yeah. So I am.” he says thoughtfully.

“You can make brisket yourself!” says Lacey.

“Is it easy?” asks Bobby.

“It’s not any more difficult than making a roast chicken.” says Lacey.

She thinks.

“Well…a good roast chicken.” says Lacey.

“Okay. So you have to pay attention to the heat and time you leave it in.” says Bobby.

“Yes. And you want to season it. But it’s not that difficult.” says Lacey.

“Okay.” says Bobby.

More later.