“Jackie Fitzgerald Kennedy Vs. Lacey Banks” by an English Aristocrat

The Rush by Bob Moses plays.

Lem! Let’s hear your thoughts. It’s all up to you hotshot.

In one corner sits JFK. And in the other corner sits Lacey Banks.

Let’s compare their performances. See what you like, Lem.

It’s all about you, right? *he winks*

Jack shakes his (drug addicted) constipated, bony-fat ass.

Lacey shakes her pin-up ass like an Egyptian princess.

…

Who wins this round?

*Jack jumps up and down clapping like a seal in both innocence and incredible evil as he’s not a good person and he’s not a child*

The little boy who died after JP Kennedy kicked him out of his hospital room in a busy hospital to get his already sickly son JFK help says, “Hurry-up, Lem! HURRY-UP!!!!”

“What’s that loser doing here!?” asks JFK, shaking his imaginary breasts. “He’s always bothering me. And I have no idea why.”

“You killed him.” says NBC.

“What!?” says JFK, like an evil valley-girl.

“You killed him.” says NBC.

“Oh. That!? Hmm.

No. Never happened.” says JFK, dancing to Inner Light by Elderbrook & Bob Moses.

Let’s move on. Who won?

Lem: Lacey.

Okay. Don’t lose hope, Jack.

Next up let’s have a competition of the minds.

J. S. Bach’s “Cello Suite Number 1 in G Major” plays.

“What song is this?” I ask.

“That’s J. S. Bach’s Cello Suite.” says JFK, cheerfully.

“That’s Bach. A Cello Suite. I can’t think which one. Sorry.” says Lacey, disturbed that she can’t recall the exact title.

Who wins?

Lem: Lacey.

Oh really!? Wow. What a tough choice that must have been. Why…Jack’s so cheerful and bright and happy. Isn’t that the American ideal? Gee. You surprised me with that one Lemmers.

Alright. This next category is fencing.

Lacey takes a sword and displays her Scottish aristocrat swordsmanship. It’s scary and elegant both.

And at that Lacey recalls being sliced at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Near a set of armor on display. It was a few inches long on her shoulder. She was wearing a pretty sleeveless dress that day. It bled slightly. And she never felt it. Yes, this happened. Really.

“I was flirting.” says a dead knight.

“That’s what I thought.” says Lacey.

He handsome. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t stand this moment. It’s disgusting!!” he says.

Jack looks very offended. Plans his revenge. It’s impossible, however.

And next up we have Jack. Jack…has no idea what he’s doing with a sword. He flails around and drops the sword.

Oh no Jack! You can do better than that.

He shakes the sword around. But he has no cognitive ability to understand what he’s doing, seemingly.

His rhythm is sparse. His understanding of what a sword even is…is minuscule.

Lem: Lacey.

Alright.

Lem…let’s try to give one to Jack.

Jack and Lacey run. Run as fast as you can.

They both do.

Jack wins and cheers himself on. Lacey seems to be losing interest in the entire activity as she gets lost staring at nature. As Lacey almost wanders off, Jack does a dance where he protrudes his penis and pumps his arms. He did run the fastest.

Lem: Lacey.

Jesus had to literally help you answer that one? Why? Because many gay men and the Kennedys insisted the answer was Jack.

Lem. Lacey lost! Wow! You’re surprising me again.

Alright. Let’s move on.

Lacey and Jack. Make dinner.

They do.

Jack makes a clam chowder.

Lacey makes boeuf bourguignon.

Lem: Lacey.

Jesus had to help you respond again that time. Golly. Lots of angry Irish and Asian people are attacking and being subdued by angels.

“YOU SUCK SHIT, LEM!” yells a dead Kennedy.

“Yeah. Diarrhea smells like beef stew. So!” says JFK. “It’s shit. He’s a shit eater! LOSER!”

And next we have a painting contest. Lacey you paint something Cubist. Jack you paint something Realist.

“Oil on canvas?” says Lacey.

Yes!

They both take their time.

Jack. Yours looks like worthless shit. Literally, I wouldn’t pay anything to have that hanging in my house. It appears that the way you painted before when you were famous and alive in the fallen world was based on your retardation not an actual gift. You accidentally mixed the right colors together. You have no actual ability to paint. You’re a hack, at best.

Lacey…that’s…terrifying. It’s a tiny red square. In the upper right hand corner…placed strategically to scare me shitless. I’d never hang that in my house. But I might hang that in a castle. Or a museum. It’s sad nobody has ever really praised your ability to paint, other than the legal mother who molested you. And I know she was being inappropriate when she did it. So you couldn’t really take her seriously anyway.

Lem: Lacey.

Again, Jesus had to help you. And you were yelling over Joe Kennedy Junior.

Alright. Up next is the surgery contest. Without actually sending them through surgery let’s let them both lay in a bed. Jack has pus coming out of his wounds as per usual. And Lacey is silent and still as the grave. Which one is sexier and more lovable to you, your hotass majesty?

A few English women laugh.

Lem: Lacey.

I don’t need to keep repeating that Jesus has to help you scream all these answers now.

My word.

Alright. Let’s see who makes a better pecan pie.

Lem: Lacey.

Wow! That was a particularly difficult one to have answered.

Next up: Who dresses better.

We’ll be back after this.

Know Some by Vandelux plays.

Alright. Lacey is dressed head to toe in Schiaparelli evening wear from the late 1930’s. In a size 8 in 2024 sizes. At 40. Her hair and makeup is done by Elizabeth Arden. And her perfume is Chanel No. 5.

Jack is dressed in…a designer Lacey’s never heard of. But one he wore often. He has his hair slicked back as per usual. In his 40’s in late 1930’s clothes.

I do have to point out that the Kennedys controlled fashion. Because the 1960’s styles flattered Jack Kennedy and the Kennedys alive at that time in general. In late 1930’s clothes…they look…laughable in their 40’s.

“Then let’s put Lacey in 1960’s clothes!!” yells JFK.

The 1930’s weren’t designed for her anyway.

Irate, “FINE!” yells Lacey.

She wears Oscar de la Renta in a strapless silk dress. With drop pearl earrings. Long white gloves. Her perfume is Replique by Raphael. Her makeup is by Coty. Her hair is done by some Latin American man from New York City.

Jack laughs.

“Did Lem date Raul?” says an Englishman.

“He might have. And they didn’t get along well sexually. Because Lem was straight.” says a reader. “But people have lied about that. And believed it was because he was so madly in love with Jack…not because he was just straight.”

Jack changes into a look close to what he wore in the White House.

Lem: Lacey.

That was bloody. Jack didn’t want to lose that one.

Alright. Ahh. Name two jazz musicians.

“Bix Beiderbecke, and ahh…John Coltrane.” says Jack.

Lacey blinks. Thinks. Stares. “Hold on.” She thinks. “Someone is messing with my head. Wow!!! …Fine. Oh well.

My gosh! My head is like…blank. And I know jazz.”

“WHO DID THAT!?!” yells Tom Banks.

The Kennedys take credit.

“King Oliver and His Orchestra and…stop interrupting my brain waves!” yells Lacey.

Jack laughs.

“You don’t do so well without your glory!” yells a demon through a hateful dead half Black man at Lacey.

“What…are you talking about!?” says Lacey.

Awkward silences.

“Fine. My favorite artist since I was a teenager is missing. So this isn’t Alzheimer’s.

Let’s see…Fats Waller.” says Lacey.

Lem: –

“THE BLACKS LOVE US!!” yells JFK, triumphantly, interrupting Lem.

Dangerous by Big Data plays as Kick dances in what she believes is victory.

Lem: Lacey.

“WHY!??” yells Jack. He pushes Lem or tries to.

“You had help with the last one. And your answers are obvious and annoying.” says Lem.

“I can’t help if I have better tastes than you and Lacey!!” yells JFK, indignantly.

And that brings me to my last question. Who has better tastes.

Jack what did you find attractive about Lem?

“His naked body.

His butt. When he bent over it looked like a sexy woman. Like a fat, sexy woman. Like Mae West. But he was a man. So…I thought it was kinda cool. Like…he was a man…but…also a fat, sexy old woman.” says Jack honestly.

Gooey by Glass Animals plays.

Lacey what did you find attractive?

“His eyes. And his body. Of course. And his personality.” says Lacey. “I suppose his soul, really.”

Lacey. All at the same time. At first?

“Yes!” says Lacey.

Lem: Lacey.

“Are you sure?” says Lacey.

Let’s have you repeat that.

Lem: Lacey.

“Yeah. I’m hearing people yelling that and Lem. Lem isn’t even an answer. …I want a real answer.” says Lacey.

Lem:

“Lacey!!” yells Satan.

Lem:

“Lacey.” says a queer woman.

Lem:

“You’re a LESBIAN!!” a herd of violent lesbians yell at Lacey.

Lem: Lacey!

Lacey checks with God. Yes, that’s Lem. But Jack and the Kennedys have messed with her head so much she has a hard time hearing him.

Later after Lacey has a literal quick discussion about the Holocaust with her daughter. And her daughter says, “Why isn’t dad able to be in the Holocaust?” and Lacey says, “He’s too genetically young.” and her daughter says, “It’s not now? Right?” and Lacey says, “No. I’d have fought.”

Joe decides to sing a song he had planned for this moment despite what Edith yells at him. It’s Break My Baby by KALEO.

“Lacey. We’d be sending Scotia the British Royal Family through the Holocaust.” says Nazi Germany.

“And Saint Augustine.” says Mark. “If there’s reincarnation.”

“Mark. Your mother was Catholic.” says Nazi Germany.

“You made no exceptions for that.” says Lacey.

“Not true. We did occasionally.” says Nazi Germany.

“But Lacey is Jewish.” says Joe Kennedy.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!?” yells Nazi Germany.

“Isn’t she Jewish. She’s have to be to be so hateful!” says a hateful reader.

“How is she being hateful?” asks Lem.

“I’m gonna torture you every chance I can get.” says the demon who works with the Kennedys.

Lacey rebukes the demon into Hell in Jesus’s name.

Well! We’re almost done. Let’s do the final competitions on a new post.