“Rude”

(May 4th in the afternoon)

“Why are you here!? You’re pushy, heartless assholes.” says Lacey to the couple holding her caramels.

“We’ll go.” says the woman.

Lacey stands up and slaps the woman across her face. A man pulls out a knife. Lacey tries not to laugh at him. “Leave!” she commands them politely.

They slowly walk off.

Lacey watches them walk off.

“My goodness!” says Lacey to Lem.

She stands there.

She waits.

“Why don’t you like the caramels Lacey?” asks Lem.

Lacey refuses to answer.

“So…they’re too big!?” he says.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “I can’t eat them. They’re too big for my mouth.”

He thinks. “What the fuck were you doing with your teeth!?”

“Those are my teeth. Don’t you care?” asks Lacey.

He laughs. “Why don’t you come sit here?”

“Because you’re an ass.” says Lacey.

He laughs. He laughs. He glares at her. Closes his eyes.

She waits.

“Come here!” he says.

She walks over to him. Sits next to him.

They’re back in their car.

“Why are you eating caramels!?” he says.

“Because they taste good.” she says.

“But the pieces are too big for your mouth?” he says.

“Yes. But that’s not what they’re advertised as.” says Lacey.

He laughs.

“So…you….” starts Lacey, dumbfounded.

“I’m mad.” says Lem.

Lacey turns and faces the gardening store. Waiting.

“They’re bite size.” says Lem.

“My bite isn’t that big.” says Lacey.

“So that’s wrong?” he asks.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. You’re right.” he says.

She waits.

“I don’t think they’re analyzing the size of people’s mouths.” says Lem.

“That’s a lie.” says Lacey. “Of course they do.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” he says.

“So. They’re evil.” says Lacey.

“Why?” asks Lem.

“They are careless jackasses.” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” he says.

“Careless, lazy, reckless jackasses.” says Lacey.

“But you can’t even eat caramel.” says Lem.

“Who can!?” asks Lacey.

“No one.” says Lem.

“We all have teeth.” says Lacey. “So why do they even make caramel chews?”

“Because it’s fun to chew.” says Lem.

“No. It’s not. It’s obnoxious. The sugar is hard on your teeth. It’s ANNOYING. …I don’t eat candy to work.” says Lacey.

“Why do we eat candy?” asks Lem.

Lacey thinks. “To feel happy. …If only for a few minutes.”

“So you gave away your happiness to those people?” says Lem.

“She was poor. And there’s nothing I can do about that. But at least she can have the caramels. And she seemed to like them more anyway.” says Lacey.

“Why were you eating like that?” asks Lem.

“Because I got stuck.” says Lacey. “I got stuck. So terribly stuck.”

“WHAT!?” says Lem.

Lacey laughs. “You’ve never been stuck?”

Lem thinks. “No!”

“It’s like chewing a too big bite of caramel.” says Lacey.

“My GOD! I’m like a retarded gay cat!” says Lem.

“Well…sometimes you can head them off at the pass. And sometimes they trap you.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. So you kill them?” asks Lem.

“Well. Depends.” says Lacey.

“On what?” asks Lem.

“You kill them when you’re in danger.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Okay.” says Lem.

“Well alright. Fuck you. I’m sorry I bothered you, Your Majesty of Jack’s Kennedy’s Cock.” says Lacey. She stands up. Slams the door shut. And walks away, into the gardening store.

She walks down the aisle and eyes pitting soil. Analyzes the efficacy of each type of potting soil.

Lem walks in and walks down the aisle to her. Grabs the soil, silently. She turns and walks off, silently.

He puts the soil back.

He walks away towards her, again. She’s eyeing bird houses now.

“You get stuck!?” says Lem.

“Lem. Do you actually give a damn or not?” asks Lacey, sweetly.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“Who are you?” asks Lacey.

“I’m Lem Billings.” he says.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I think you mistook me for someone else.” says Lacey. “Where is your dear wife?”

He smiles.

“You’d rather I not?” says Lacey.

“No.” he says.

“Do you have any idea where she is?” asks Lacey.

“I thought we were in love!” he says.

“Mmm. Yes.” says Lacey.

“So you just-“ says Lem.

“Should I leave?” asks Lacey. “Quit wasting my time.”

“No.” says Lem.

“I’m going to the car. Do whatever the hell you want. That’s all you know how to do anyway, you DOG.” says Lacey.

“NO!!” he yells.

She halts. Freezes. Waits at the end of the aisle.

“Lacey why am I angry?” asks Lem.

“Because I slept with other men. A while ago.” says Lacey.

“Does it make sense?” he asks.

“That’s your problem.

You have…YOU. And your cock. And your smile. What else could a boy in the big city with the bright lights need?” she says like she’s in the end of a cheesy movie.

“Yeah. That’s why I’m angry.” he says.

She waits.

“I’m starting to think I’m just being mean.” says Lem.

Lacey is silent.

“You don’t have any idea why I can’t get over it? Or you do know?” asks Lem.

“No. I just don’t understand why you don’t understand.” says Lacey.

“What were your options?” he asks.

“Why have you never analyzed this before!?!” she asks, suspicious of him.

“I have.” he says.

“Then I’ll see you in car. Pee if your dick so desires. Roof roof!” she says.

He races down the aisle after her.

She pauses out of empathy.

He wraps his arms around her. She’s cold as ice.

“Have fun!” she says. “Let me go.”

“No.” he says.

“Fuck you, you selfish, incompetent, hateful piece of shit!!” she yells.

“No. No. That’s not me.” says Lem.

“Then take your stupid masturbation scene to Cape Cod. And leave me alone.” she yells.

“Okay. So what were your options?” he asks.

“I’M MAD!! ARE YOU RETARDED!?!” she yells.

“No.

I’m trying to help you, in a way.

What were your options!?” he asks.

“LEM. Is this really an appropriate place for this conversation? Or TIME!??” she yells.

“No.” he says.

“So you secretly are cheating on me and hate me?” she says.

“No.” he says.

“Then why are you shitting in my face!??” she yells.

“Oof! Someone should have just shot you, buddy.” says a dead straight guy from their generation walking by them.

“I wish they would have.” says Lem.

“Next time. Right!?” he jokes, suggestively and then walks off.

“We’re from Minot, North Dakota.” says his wife to explain as she walks out the door after him.

“So…your options- You can’t move by the way. Your options are to sleep with other men…or…do what?” asks Lem.

“Die? Be profoundly miserable to the point of possible death. That’s all.” says Lacey.

“I left you no other options?” asks Lem.

“No. I doubt it.” says Lacey.

“I’m innocent! I really am!” says Lem.

“I don’t easily see how.” says Lacey.

“Well…you should go plant your seeds. Be careful though. You don’t want the squirrels to eat them.” says Lem.

“You had them sent to the car?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” says Lem.

She wraps her arms around him. Leans in.

“Soldiers did things like that in the war. I’m not-“ he says, cutting himself short.

“Why do you betray me?” she says.

“I’m innocent!” he says.

“Then why did you light me on fire? Tied to a steak. I had to convince you with a sex dance to let me go.” says Lacey.

“How burned did you get?” asks Lem.

“I had to have one of my lovers drive me to the hospital. Twice. And I lost a toe.” says Lacey.

“So you are the apple because you were hungry?” asks Lem.

“No. I was sleep-walking.” says Lacey. “I’m not even sure I ate the apple.”

“Then they weren’t your lovers.” he says.

“No! I think technically they were.” says Lacey.

“No, I suppose technically they were.” says Lem.

“Yes. And still are if you don’t love me.” says Lacey.

“Right.” he says.

“You have nothing to worry about if you love me. I doubt I’ll ever sleep with one of them again. I’d be very surprised. Although not shocked. But very surprised.” says Lacey.

“It scares you?” he says.

“Does that excite you? My terror?” says Lacey.

“No.” says Lem.

“Alright. I’ll be right back.” says Lacey.

“No! Let’s go to car!” he says.

“Oh right. I was going to go garden. I forgot we were at a gardening store still.” says Lacey.

“Right. Let’s go to the car.” says Lem.

They get in the car.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

She waits.

Harold Loeb texts her.

“Hey, Sexy.

I know you.

I loved you.

I’m your soulmate.

Let’s see how things go with Lem.

If it doesn’t work I’m taking you. No questions. No problems. It’s stupid to bother otherwise. We make so much sense together.”

She reads it and then shows it to Lem.

“I needed that.

I called you a dog for a reason.” says Lacey.

“So Jack stole my life, turned me into a monkey, the whole world cheered him on…and then he fouled me up so bad…a hot Guggenheim is after you. And you need him. You actually need him.” says Lem.

“Yeah! Isn’t Harold great!? I love him.

But…he’s not…here. And…I’ll only suck his hard cock…if you keep sucking Jack’s…hard cock.” says Lacey. “So…you had a lot to be happy about your whole damn life. Didn’t you? I can see why you smiled all the time.”

“He’s not going to get you.” says Lem.

“Says who? You? You and your sucker?” asks Lacey. “The ol’ Hoover.”

He thinks.

“You really sucked out all that tension. Damn!

Door to door. Jack’s testimonial.

You know…Al Capone…

Nevermind.

I can see why his kids were so tense. Looking for a way to escape.

‘Lem!! Come save us! Suck us out!’” says Lacey.

He thinks.

“You can’t suck eggs out of a woman through sex. Interesting that. Maybe evolution works slowly over time. Worthless men, and poor men.

You could really clean up! Start a service.” says Lacey.

“Call 1-800-FLO-OVER.” says Lacey. “Yummy. Aww. You think I’m an idiot, don’t you Lemmers?

I’m not. I sleep with one eye open you little weak bitch. You blew it. Years ago. You and your…suckers. …And I’ll wait and see. I’m fair. But I do Hell.

I DO HELL. If necessary. So don’t fuck me up.” says Lacey.

“I should be going to Hell for you.” says Lem.

“You can’t. You have an ouchie.” says Lacey.

“Did I do anything today but slaughter you to get Jack to orgasm?” asks Lem.

“NOPE. Did you mean to make him cum and shoot ecstatically into Heaven’s faces?” asks Lacey. “To mock Jesus.”

“No.” says Lem.

“Not at all?” asks Lacey.

“No.” says Lem. “What was bothering you?”

“I’m not losing second place to Harold!!!” yells Michael running by.

“Oh! More boys for Lem!!” yells the gay community, as per usual as they listen.

“You always assume every man into Lacey has to be secretly into Lem more!? And they’re cheating?! To smite her!!” says Scott Fitzgerald.

Hell and poor gay men cheer Jack on as he uses this line to chase Jesus around with his erect naked penis. Satan decided to use Jack. And in 2024 he regrets it. But in 2023 it seemed like a good idea still.

Naked, ugly and high on meth Jack is enabled by Satan to chase Jesus.

Eunice cheers him on. “Where’s Lemmers? Hey! Sex-toy! We should have a family sex party! I’ll eat shit!” Eunice Shriver says to her. brother dancing naked.

Lights Are On by Tom Rosenthal plays.

“GOD WON’T STAND UP THESE TITS!!” yells Eunice, drunk. She suddenly cries. “WHERE ARE THEY!??” she asks her husband, who might have been braindead (?).

“Who, darling one?” he says.

“JESUS AND JACK!?!” she yells.

“Oh. There’s some business about Jesus saying no.” says Big “Steve” Shriver.

A Scottish man laughs.

She looks offended.

“It’s okay. Jack is using Satan to rape him.” says The Bigster. The Bigmeister. Big Fry. Because there ain’t no Shrimpy Shriver.

“Oh good. It’s Heaven. You can do whatever you want. Even rape.” says Eunice, slurring and drunk.

“Well…it seems Jesus doesn’t agree.” says Big.

“Damn Jews!” says Eunice.

“Yup.” says Big.

“ so half of me is chasing Jesus right now and the other half of me was just cut off and sent down here. The truth is I think Jesus is just like lime and he just needs a little more time and he needs to understand that like I’m straight mostly so it’s not really like we’re gonna end up together, he can still go back and do whatever it is that he does as Jesus I just am looking for some fun and some frivolity and some laughs. I mean signs a really good time we do math we’ve started earthquakes together and kill people I mean I wasn’t really down for that but like reminded me of being with lamb when we pull pranks and Satan was like come on jack let’s just do two earthquakes. It’ll be fun and I was like I’m not interested in the first one but then he did it behind my back, and I was like oh my gosh OK fine, and then the second one was such a thrill because it was like love you know it was like Satan and I were in love when I did the earthquake in Thailand I did it outside of time and he helped me be really super exact. yes it was like a scene from a love movie.

No, I know it’s just like I love how everyone has the most faith in me that I’m a good person through all of us. You guys are really stood in the gap for me. Well I’m exploring my dark side with Satan and I really appreciate it.

I just you know it’s like things with Lama been hard lately because apparently he hasn’t been having sex with me since I died you know like lots of weird stuff it’s just totally coming out of the woodwork and simpler like Jack do you knew the whole time and that’s why I’m just looking for Jesus and I’d have you know like a one night stand to start Just see Francos and then maybe down the road we can just you know see where things go.” says Jack.

“Jack, I like your your sons of humanity and love.” says Eunice. “ I just when you died and then jacked up an alarm died. I was just like god that’s what they’re going to go fuck next end it has been in my mind ever since I saw them naked once he was hot. And I was just like shit. That’s what Jesus looks like to eat it. I kind of think maybe that one of my brothers and Jesus and mom could package other and it would just be the coolest thing ever.

Some people have told me that I am a victim of sexual abuse, and then I have no fucking clue what I’m talking about. But that’s a controversial opinion amongst the elite pedophiles in France and they buy really expensive clothes so they’ve got to be right about some thing right I mean I’m just being for real for real. I mean, my God money makes the world go round batch.

I sure as fuck in hell no that one.

So you ain’t gotta fool me into thinking that pedophilia is wrong with my dad was a pedophile my brother was a pedophile and I dabbled in it because I was trying to keep up and you sure as fuck aren’t going to confuse me about that I’m not gonna get left behind buddy oh hell no I’m gonna keep up.

And then some people like Lacey say if your father told you to jump off a bridge with you do it oh, and I say you’re not the mom of me go to hell- and then she says I might already be there Eunice. And then I say shit mom shut up. I’ll save you.

And then she says I am the mom of you. I am giving the save it and I say dammit mom I guess you just love me and then expect me to be happy.

*she’s breathless and confused*

So if my dad was a weirdo but his sperm that created me could’ve ended up theoretically and Lacey then I am going to be cut in half and will just see you later.” says Eunice