“Lacey you’re supposed to pick one man.” says Rupert Brooke.
“Yes. I know. But I can’t figure how.” says Lacey.
He thinks.
“I’m pretty sure you’re with Lem.” he says.
“Yes!
But I still don’t understand this.” says Lacey.
“Do you know why you’re with Lem?” asks Rupert Brooke.
“No. But I’m glad I am, if I am.” says Lacey.
“So what’s so troubling about picking a man?” asks Rupert Brooke.
“Well…what’s it based on?” asks Lacey.
“Love.” says Rupert Brooke.
“Yes.
But…when I love men they hate me.” says Lacey. “And then I end up with no one.”
“Well…Lem doesn’t.” says Rupert.
“Oh. It certainly has seemed otherwise.” says Lacey.
“That’s a mistake.” says Rupert.
“Is it?” asks Lacey.
“Yes!!” says Rupert.
She waits.
“I’m very middle class compared to you.” Rupert says to Lacey.
“Can we talk or is it too frustrating to you?” asks Lacey.
He laughs. “No. I’m not an idiot.”
“Well.” says Lacey.
“So…I highly suspect Lem isn’t the only man who actually hasn’t rejected you.” says Rupert.
“Oh?” says Lacey.
“No.
List off the reasons. I know with Lem it was made as obscure and complicated as possible to make you confused. But what happened with other people?” asks Rupert Brooke.
“With Louis it was that he slept with his second wife.
With Harold it was similar. Except it was Brett Ashley.
With Elliott it was Faye Emerson and Patricia.
With…Joe Jr. it was Pat.
With…Joe it was Janet.
With…Michael it was some…woman he met in Purgatory.
With Skippy it was also some woman.” says Lacey.
“Does that always happen to you?” asks Rupert.
“Yes. It’s extremely creepy.” says Lacey.
“And you know…what enrages me…is that they’re all hideous compared to you.” says Rupert Brooke.
“Yes!! My gosh.” says Lacey, smiling.
“Wow. That’s astounding.” says Rupert.
“Why…are they…so attached?” says Lacey.
“Is it an attachment?” asks Rupert.
“I don’t even know.” says Lacey. She thinks. “But I’d have to wonder.”
“We could have been friends. If there’s reincarnation.” says Rupert Brooke.
Lacey smiles.
“Are they attached?” asks Rupert.
“Eww!” says Lacey. “What is it?”
He thinks. “It’s love.”
“Mmm. Yes!
But then what in Hell am I doing with them!?” says Lacey.
“I see what you mean!” he says.
She pours tea and eats pineapple and fudge.
“I think you’re their soulmate.” says Rupert, drinking tea.
“Even now!?” says Lacey.
“Yes!!” says Rupert. “That’s the thing with being dead. And in Purgatory. Should it exist.”
“Makes sense.
So there’s a narrow margin of possibility.” says Lacey.
Rupert looks sickened. “Yes.”
“Right. So…I’m supposed to pathetically grovel for their love?” says Lacey.
Rupert laughs. “Yes.”
“Yes. Maybe.
Well..I refuse to do that. That’s perverse.” says Lacey.
Rupert laughs. “Yes! It’s extremely, extremely…perverse.
Yes. It’s perverse.” He eats a bit of jam on toast with his tea.
“Well…why don’t they know that?” asks Lacey.
“How painful has that been?” asks Rupert.
“Unspeakably.” says Lacey.
“Who’s the dumbest and most heartbreaking?” asks Rupert.
“Louis.
His wife is ugly.
And Elliott is a close second because Faye was overblown and she’s very shrill and bitchy. She’s obnoxious.
But Harold is annoying. And weird.
And…Michael is dumb as rocks.
And Skippy is a beyond huge loser.
And I would rather be with you and have tea and no physical sex for eternity than be with the Kennedys. I wish them well but I can’t stand them.” says Lacey.
“Don’t worry God wouldn’t send you to Hell and make you be with any of the Kennedys.” says Rupert Brooke.
She eats toast with jam and butter.
“Do you think those women are lovable?” asks Rupert.
“No. They’re like- They’re more annoying than demons.” says Lacey.
“I agree.” says Rupert.
Lacey eats her toast with jam and butter.
“But they love them!” says Rupert. “They’re not at all faithful. …And I think they’d rather be with you or someone else. But…they’re in love.”
“With WHAT!?” says Lacey.
“Louis’s first wife is a…very clever woman.” says Rupert Brooke.
“More than me?” asks Lacey.
Rupert smiles. “Yes!”
“How!?” asks Lacey.
He laughs. Pours more tea. “She’s an absolute idiot.
But…she knows how to make people do what she wants.”
“Because she’s so lowly.” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says Rupert, laughing.
“Then why would he prefer that?” asks Lacey.
Rupert thinks. “He likes her lowliness.”
“Why?” asks Lacey.
“I think he thinks it’s aesthetically pleasing.” says Rupert.
“What part!?” asks Lacey.
“It’s not something we would like.” says Rupert.
“Why?” asks Lacey.
Rupert looks disturbed. “Think bad pizza. In downtown Saint Paul. On a Friday night. With a wife in an expensive suit. Cold beer. Cold soda on ice. And…karaoke.”
“And she’s drunk and he’s in awe of her.” says Lacey.
“No. He’s not in awe.
He’s…calm. It’s just…serene to him.” says Rupert.
“Why?” asks Lacey.
“Because he can easily control everything.
And she’s his…plaything.” says Rupert. “She’s too stupid to understand what she actually looks like. Too vain and stupid. And he…loves that. Because it gives him complete control. But…then she’s still trying to figure out how to be evil, in a way. And so she’s still independent. And that independence…makes him intrigued by her.” says Rupert.
“Why?” asks Lacey.
“Because he can have his cake and eat it too. He can completely control her. And she’s a mindless moron. But…she still doesn’t…not exist. So…he assumes she must love him to his deepest core. The depths of his soul.” says Rupert.
“Does she?” asks Lacey.
“Yes.” says Rupert.
“I don’t understand loving a man that much.” says Lacey.
“I don’t either. It seems evil.” says Rupert.
“I love my kids that way. But…I love Lem. Not his poop.” says Lacey.
“Top down. You love who God made him to be. Not what evil has rendered him into.” says Rupert. “That’s loving them as much. You knew you were speaking inexactly. But…we don’t love their evil. Because it’s evil. Even if we love them.”
“Yes. Evil separates us from God. And I can’t love evil.” says Lacey.
“Yes.
I decided to join you in your inexactness.
What are we missing!??” says Rupert.
“Right.
What is it?” says Lacey.
“I don’t think he knows you!” says Rupert.
“No. So why make all these assumptions!?” says Lacey.
“He listens to bad advice. Sometimes.
He didn’t think you’d be able to enjoy bad pizza, bad karaoke and cold beer.” says Rupert.
“Fine. I can’t.
What’s so great about that?” says Lacey.
“It’s like a Western Saloon. And she’s a prostitute.” says Rupert.
“But she’s his wife.” says Lacey.
“Yes. He can’t get that close to you, I guess. He wants to keep reliving the same thing over and over again instead.
Yes. She’s a prostitute and his wife.” says Rupert.
“How nice.” says Lacey. “I’m leaving.”
“Okay.
But are we-
How is he rejecting you?” asks Rupert.
“Because I’m not a slutty piece of shit.” says Lacey. “And he’s declared before Heaven and Earth that I am. Or that I’m completely unlovable.”
“You know…even if that’s not what he meant to declare…that’s what you heard.” says Rupert Brooke.
“I don’t have time for this.” says Lacey.
“Alright.” says Rupert. “Let’s move on.”
They do.
“Wow. You did love him.” says Rupert, pouring more tea.
“Are you talking with me or not?
Yes! I did.
So BLOODY WHAT!?” says Lacey.
“It’s supposed to matter.” says Rupert.
“It doesn’t matter to them. And I can’t control them.
Let’s move on.” says Lacey.
“Yeah.
Alright.
ELLIOTT!” says Rupert.
Lacey drinks her coffee.
“He’s handsome!” says Rupert.
“He’s incredibly good in bed.” says Lacey.
“He doesn’t lie.” says Rupert.
“No. He looks like he would be. And he is.
There is something honorable in that.” says Lacey.
“But then what…murder does he commit?” asks Rupert.
“It does almost feel akin to murder.” says Lacey.
“So Elliott sleeps with Faye.” says Rupert.
“I think yes.” says Lacey.
“Or Pat.” says Rupert.
“Yes! And he loves them. It’s some…love that he can’t let go of.” says Lacey.
“So so much for you!” says Rupert.
“Yes. So much for me.” says Lacey.
“How sad.” says Rupert.
“Yes. Can we be done grieving now?” asks Lacey.
“If God says so.” says Rupert.
“Good! It’s just not worth it right now.” says Lacey.
“Why?” asks Rupert.
“Because they became worthless rubbish.” says Lacey. “So who gives a shit!?”
“I love it.
They try to murder your soul.
You call them on it.
And we get to see how evil they really are.
Do they really secretly hate women like Satan himself or not?
And…how worthless are all men?
How worthless is the entire human race?
No. You love your kids. So the human race is safe.
*he smiles and pours tea*
Who else?
Ahh…Michael!” he says.
“Same.” says Lacey. “It’s all the same.”
“You have to wonder why you keep losing.” says Rupert Brooke.
“I do.
But…
What is it?
And…honestly…are they supposed to be doing this?” asks Lacey.
“Abandoning you?” asks Rupert.
“Yes.” says Lacey.
“They’re Sons of Eve. In a way. Hopefully God will redeem them. Or has.
Ahh…no.” he says.
“Are they all trying to snub me?” asks Lacey.
“A social class snub?” asks Rupert Brooke.
“Yes.” says Lacey.
“Lacey. You’re a dead Scottish aristocrat. Or an oil heiress. Or both, if God say so. And you’re extremely talented and intelligent and beautiful and sublimely sexy.
It wound be weird if they were trying to snub you.” says Rupert.
“But are they?” asks Lacey.
Rupert thinks. “HOW!?”
It’s Not Unusual by Tom Jones plays to mock evil-stupid America.
Lacey laughs.
“Louis forgot he made Elsie upper class and she’s too vain and stupid to understand it. So he snubs me because he forgot. And he now thinks of her as born to the manor even though that’s gross stupidity.” says Lacey.
“This song has to be one of the dumbest songs I’ve ever heard.” says Rupert, laughing.
“It makes me laugh. Every time.” says Lacey.
“Continue.” says Rupert.
“Elliott is…also backward. So is Harold. They all are.” says Lacey.
“So they all went to the trouble of making love to you….just to snub you?” asks Rupert.
“Yes!!!
Or…they’re too worthless to function.” says Lacey.
“So my ‘competition’ is very possibly too worthless to function?” asks Lem, interrupting.
“Yes, Lem. Yes. YES!!” yells Rupert, enraged.
“Then how are they my competition?” asks Lem.
“You have no real competition. You never did.” says Rupert. He pours Lem tea. “That’s why Jack so evil. Why did you leave behind what you do.? It’s close to Hell. It’s literal Hell for her. You sent your wife to Hell. Why?”
“I didn’t ever agree to this.” says Lem.
“Then why is she close to Hell?” asks Rupert.
“They did this to me.” says Lem.
“Did you really not?” asks Rupert.
“No! I- I didn’t.” says Lem.
“So…no. You have no competition. It’s just a sad joke on her soul Lem.” says Rupert.
“But she’s so beautiful.” says Lem.
“Yes! But this song is stupid.” says Rupert. “It’s a giant smelly fart.
“Americans didn’t understand romantic love.” says Lacey.
“What’s going on? If the song is directed to you?” asks Lem.
“He’s dense.
It is unusual for some extremely desirable people, like me, to be loved. He’s a sheltered, ignorant moron.
And this woman he’s singing to could easily be a gold-digging, whorish bitch from Hell. Because to me he’s saying love is evil and without any love. He’s saying love is like eating your own vomit.
But then for some unknown reason he wants to eat vomit with me. And he’s going to force me to. Or I’m a bad Christian.” says Lacey.
“That’s not what it’s supposed to be about.
It’s supposed to be about a woman like you.
He’s saying he’s sad. That he’s heartbroken. Because love doesn’t do what we want it to.
So…he’s unconditionally in love with her. Even though she’s changed. And sleeping around.” says Lem.
“That’s not me.” says Lacey. “I don’t think.”
“And there’s no way their love could be that unconditional in that way. Necessarily.” says Lem. “She has no accountability.”
“She’s murdering their love.” says Lacey.
“Have you tried to murder our love?” asks Lem.
“Yes.” says Lacey.
“Because of what I did.” says Lem.
“It seems as though you hate me.” says Lacey.
“Or don’t even care that much.” says Lem.
“And yet…you have no competition.” says Rupert.
“I can see why you feel like I don’t want you.” says Lem to Lacey.
“So who is she supposed to be with!?” asks Rupert.
“Me.” says Lem. “But I’ve banned her for eternity. Unintentionally.”
“So you don’t want me?” asks Lacey.
“No.” says Lem.
And at that, from the past, Jack offers Lem a wedding ring.
Lem declines.
Jack is confused. Jack is outraged. Jack leaves, in a huff.
“So it just made sense to sleep with other men.” says Lem.
“I refuse to answer that.” says Lacey.
“Well. That’s why.” says Lem.
She remains silent.
“Alright.
Well that was dumb.” says Lem to God about his and Lacey’s lives in the 20th and 21st Century.
“I love our kids.” says Lacey.
“Yes. But if we could have had our kids in Heaven it’s not at all worth it.” says Lem.
“And I suppose if we could have had our parents in Heaven if they want us to be their kids.” says Lacey.
“Yes!” says Lem.
“Then what was the point of all of this?” asks Lacey of Lem and God.
“Did we at least help someone?” asks Lem of God.
Future Markets by Jonny Greenwood plays.
“Well it was nice to have you aboard!” says John A. Seay.
“Was it really?” says Lacey.
“Yes!” says John Seay.
“Well.
I think I’m done.” says Lacey.
“Yes. Me too.” says Lem. “I was straight. I really was. And Rupert is not in any sexual relationship with me. Or Lacey, I hope.” says Lem.
“Not now. That conversation had a sexual component but it’s not going on now and she didn’t want it.” says God.
“Well…he got rid of everyone else.” says Lem.
“They were already gone. In all real reality.
They were never competition, Lem!” says Rupert.
Oil by Jonny Greenwood plays.
“You have both helped people!” says God to Lem.
“How silly is it Lem?” asks Lacey.
“About a 10.” says Lem.
“How silly am I?” asks Lacey.
“A zero.” says Lem.
“Yeah.
It’s bad.” says a 50 year old lesbian in the Illuminati. “We let Lacey sit at our table. Growing-up. We didn’t snub her.
Actually…I think we tried to party with her. For real. And maybe we came close to being her actual friend at times. Not at all in a sexual way. Like an actual friend.
But part of that is because she’s down with being smart. And lesbians don’t know how to resist being intellectually superior with other women. We love that aesthetic. Even in a non-sexual way. We love winning in that way.
I’m sorry. I’m just being honest.
So…she was our ditzy but secretly super smart friend. And she is a fierce competitor. In war.
But…the living gays didn’t…let her sit at their table.
Actually…that really makes me sad.
I mean. What the fuck is wrong with her!? Right!?! Wow! Losers!! She looks like us…she’s just straight. Lighten-up!
But…then I think of Rupert Brooke.
And…he’s clearly bisexual or gay leaning. And yet…I know he accepts her.
Why…can’t all of you?
Actually…I worry they were friends. Like for real.
Why are you all obsessed with hurting her!?? It’s creepy and weird.
Be honest. Are you all too damn jealous?” she says. “Because that’s sad. That’s real sad.
And honestly…I’m not sure it’s safe for you anymore.”
“Yeah. I don’t hate Rupert Brooke.” says Anderson Cooper.
“Do we have to have his approval to be her friend?” asks a living gay man.
“Oh no!!!” yells Jan Hertel. “Where did you meet him!?!”
“That requires a conversation about reincarnation in the Bible.” says Lacey.
“Let’s say it is.
Where did you meet him?” asks Jan.
“At a party? He was friends with our friends. And…I think we were friends?” says Lacey.
“And nothing happened between him and Lem?” asks the woman.
“No!” says God.
“Was Lem jealous of him!??” asks a woman.
“No!” says God.
“Oh well.” says Lacey. “Maybe reincarnation isn’t even in the Bible.”
“Homosexual love between men is often based on middle class values. At least now. And it’s ignorant. You all don’t know what’s going on.” says Tom Jones.
“We had it the other way around!” says a gay man.
“No. It’s the other way around. You don’t get it.” says Tom Jones.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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