“What If” by Lem Billings

(May 23rd, 2024 – Evening)

I meant the quotation about my life being different because of Jack Kennedy derisively. I was being sarcastic, and ironic, and using caustic sarcastic hyperbole…and trying to place the best possible life at the end. You have to take my tone into account. …But…it’s often, if not always, misinterpreted. …I was being too subtle. Partially because I was inexperienced with being so…open, in a way, with what I said. I was and am a straight guy. I had experience pretending to be gay…but I didn’t know how to act…cutting and caustic and biting. I wasn’t as analytical as Lacey is in that way. She can word things so sharply that they could be lethal if she so chose. I’m not…that…aware. I’m not an oaf, I’m actually very intelligent…but…I’m not that clever or…verbally astute.

What was I trying to say? That Jack never left me alone. He was always inviting me over and asking me to come along with him to places. His whole family was like that. I lost a lot of personal space and freedom when I met Jack Kennedy.

I meant that he completely altered my life. He took over my life. He was very bossy and controlling and difficult. He was an extremely manipulative person.

I meant that…I could have been happy, and settled down…and living somewhere…but instead I joined the Kennedy army. And I meant that pejoratively. …I could have had my own life, but instead I got roped in with Jack Kennedy and got sucked into his orbit and my whole life was ruined. He was a huge reason I was never able to settle down and actually get married and have a life of my own. …Janet Desrosiers talks about wanting “her own life.” And that might be because of my influence. She knew me. Remember?? …I had no real life of my own. It deeply grieved my family and still does to this day.

The Kennedys were extraordinarily controlling.

He was the reason? Yeah. He sure was. But I don’t mean that…kindly. I meant that to be heard and then to hit everyone like a bomb. …And actually some people have taken it that way…but a good number didn’t and don’t.

Prospectors Arrive by Jonny Greenwood plays.

Yes. I took over her blog. No. This is not what she ever meant to be writing about.

Why didn’t I have that affect on Jack, which is weird that I didn’t, because I wasn’t being myself. I was playing a role…and I didn’t care. I’m sorry, but I didn’t care. I cared about…living. …He was not my reason for being really. He was my career. I made my life about being his servant, sort of like Lord Darlington’s butler…in a way. Mindlessly of service. Dull. Bored. Sad. But…determined to be a good sport and do my best. Be honorable and be humble and kind and good and…maybe have a little fun here and there too. I wasn’t raffish. I wasn’t personally devastated for romantic reasons that he died. And…the misinterpretation of my words is proof that…sadly the relationship with truth is currently more fraught than usual. …Except…also…that…within the bounds of Christianity…one should be open to being shocked by the reality of things as opposed to our assumptions of things.

I was heterosexual. So everything has to be seen through that lens. Everything I did and said. …Could I have been confused? Yes! I could have. …But I was actually entirely heterosexual and…I never genuinely wanted to alter that.

I’m never letting of Lacey, if I’m with Christ and I’m Lem Billings. Ever. Regardless. Ever. …And you can bet I love her unconditionally. But…she’s a woman. And she loves me. I’m her everything. And that’s exactly what I want to be.

Oil by Jonny Greenwood plays.

She’s not Jack. She never was. And that’s what I like and love and want. Liberal historians who have long argued otherwise are mistaken or evil. Or both. …I’m sorry if I confused anyone. I actually was straight.

“Did you hate me?” asks Doris Kearns Goodwin.

I laugh. Smile. …What were you looking for?

“Were they bothering you about what I asked you?” asks Doris.

“YES!!” says Lem. Yes, I say.

I didn’t hate her. But I didn’t trust her. Nor did I enjoy talking about certain things. I just didn’t have the emotional capacity anymore. I was at the end of my rope.

“What did you want from me?” asks Doris.

Nothing! Just…you do what you have to do. You know? But…I was miserable.

“You did have a high-pitched voice.” says Doris.

Yes! And that was partially fake. And partially my voice. …I had a deeper voice I could have used. And that was my real voice. But…it was always…high pitched. Kind of like…Dick Van Dyke’s brother. Seriously! Listen to his voice! I sounded a bit like him. But…just like Dick Van Dyke himself my voice could be lower at times. And at times very low. But I rarely used that voice.

Doris laughs. “If there’s an Illuminati I’m wondering if you’re real.

Will I see you when I die?” she asks.

I sure hope so!! …Worship Christ. …And probably not right away, but yes. I sure hope Lacey and I can both see you.

“Lem…how much did Joe damage her? Psychologically.” says Doris.

Lem thinks. That’s not easy to talk about. But…it’s bad. She’s been very bullied.

“Does she think of herself as Tom’s daughter?” says Doris.

She is his daughter.

“So she doesn’t know us…as well…as she should.” says Doris.

She lacks an awareness of what we, as Americans, think of her. In a way…she’s very British.

Time by Hans Zimmer plays.

So…she doesn’t feel as close to people as Americans instantly do. She’s very solitary. Very much an island. There’s a cold indifference that that British have toward each other. …And yet…they may truly love each other on some very deep, human level. A sort of…love for each other’s humanity and a deference towards one another as members of a Christian nation.

And so…in a rainstorm…of particular beauty…a British man might be delighted…walk in to a shop and comment on the beauty. To a perfect stranger. In the most romantic, poetic and what to Americans would seem to be intimate way. But…to a man from Great Britain…it’s not…too personal. It’s just…the way they notice one another and love each other very much and very deeply.

“Alright. So you died. In war? If there’s reincarnation. That’s sad.” says a reader. “You totally manifested in Penzance!”

“Yes! That was me. …She thought it was possibly Joe. But it was me. …Truly. At the time she thought of him briefly before I touched her. …But that was for the sake of reference. …It was me.

She’s never made love, really. And…I didn’t either. Unless there’s reincarnation than I did. And I suppose we have. But…I am a ghost. And I’ve not manifested that much ever before or since.” says Lem.

The Artifact & Living by Michael Andrews plays.

“ Because it’s unclear whether not it’s in the Bible emperor Constantine I’m not gonna hold you accountable for your sin. If you took it out that was a joke am I have an alert illuminati psychic hi I really think you’re lame Billings and I think you were emperor Constantine and I think she was Scotia, but she was also Scottish aristocrat, and I have a very strong feeling you were a Spencer well related to them. Somehow you’re real people even if we can’t find you if there’s reincarnation, I am almost positive you people existed, and I have a very strong feeling that you could manifest just as easily if she went back to Great Britain, are you buried there? Wait don’t answer that I said I think Lacey can answer because she’s a little less worried that I’m gonna take it the wrong way because she doesn’t really know if you answer me we have to deal with the fact there might not be reincarnation, and I am a psychic, and I believe in that, I’m gonna bet that you’re you’re not that you were lost somewhere probably in France or Germany or Belgium that your body was never found and it’s very sad. It’s a little disturbing to me as a psychic because your middle name is a Lemoyne and I’m not convinced that you were supposed to come back with a French mill name that actually could be a sign that you were very doomed from the beginning, because if your body is laying somewhere in Belgium or France and it’s never been recovered, that’s horrific your family probably never got over losing you Lacey certainly didn’t she died most likely and I have a feeling your whole family do eventually that they would never find you I have a feeling she knew right away, and that was part of why she wanted to just die if that’s the case then I’m sorry him you’re your name is tragic to begin with you know lamb like a lemming and then it’s it’s just sad even though you were fighting alongside France right in world war one if that’s what you were fighting in, but if that’s the case, I still have a very strong suspicion that you were a better French feel very bad that you’re on there soil somewhere or the Belgians do but I have a very strong suspicion that there are some things there was some thing cursed about you to begin with if you’re reincarnated with your middle name given you were French slightly, which is also a reason why I hesitate to think you were gay because there is some thing about being French or even Jewish that can sometimes Hear gay when it’s not him and by French and German I mean in origins and I have a feeling you were more friends than a lot of people would be today but no that’s disturbing to me because I have a very strong feeling that your body is laying somewhere on a beach or in the forest or some thing or you were just blown up And that’s that’s horrific or you’re buried in some mud somewhere.

Which is interesting to me because you clearly were able to manifest extraordinarily well was God helping you was God helping you was he helping you manifest it sounds like you guys had rather intense sexual contact and she’s never been completely explicit about it although she’s been fairly explicit, but not like some people would be which I respect potentially I don’t think that it’s dishonest on her part not to tell us a I think she’s trying to protect us from being scandalous because I have a feeling it’s extremely risky like extremely risky. I mean it would essentially be pornography if she shared it with us and I think she’s cleaned it up because I don’t think she wants people to be scandalized and I I actually respect that but I think saying what I just said should really suffice if that was him, and if he’s telling us the truth and yes, she just saw an orb and then some thing flashed in front of her face. I’m not surprised she’s talking to me if I’m a real person if there’s an illuminati, I probably ask somebody to do that he was straight Bobby I’m sorry if he’s telling us this even if he wasn’t sweetie, he said he’s telling us that he was and I have a very strong feeling he might’ve been and that he might’ve fooled your family into thinking he was homosexual, or they needed to believe that, and then they did And he helps them but my gut sense is that he was definitely not gay and that really frankly he was probably well maybe bisexual maybe straight I I might lean more towards straight then bisexual or someone’s telling her I’m say that but it’s possible that I actually think he’s more straight than bisexual. I actually think he might’ve just been straight, that’s what he’s telling us so we have to deal with that reality. If this is his ghost, she’s not doing a séance he’s haunting her they sleep together every night they have sexual relations with each other. He was definitely not from my perspective he was definitely not gay. I think that to me becomes problematic that you keep demanding the illuminati believe that because there’s a lot of evidence to suggest he was straight There’s a lot of evidence to suggest he was bisexual, possibly pansexual, but I don’t think that we can confirm, even though Wikipedia says otherwise that he was gay I think that’s a travesty I think it’s a moral and I think it’s part of what’s wrong with the Internet. There are other things About conspiracies that you believe in with 9/11 and other such things like the illuminati that say that we don’t exist or that you know it wasn’t an inside job at all and he would quickly do you know jump to try to disprove all that, but Bobby, that’s where the Wikipedia articles that you trust with lab billings might not be accurate and you have to grow up intellectually.

What if we’re in illuminati but that’s one thing wrong with Wikipedia if there are ghosts, that’s one thing wrong with Wikipedia, there are probably other mistakes on Wikipedia as well. Um, actually hurt yeah, her great grand uncle his his his Wikipedia page says that he was dirt, poor, but he rose very quickly, becoming a knighted author And given what she shared about her family and every other case I would bet that they weren’t quite as dirt poor as we have made them out to be and it’s like well they were poor, so what’s the difference well when people read dirt poor today they think of Somalian immigrants they think of Mexicans crossing the border they don’t think of someone coming from Norway, who spoke English slightly, at least And played the fiddle and came from a totally intact healthy family that had a very middle-class mindset and was able to settle and live very well and that’s the problem. That’s who he probably was so really he was more middle class a working class he wasn’t dirt poor but that’s what Wikipedia says, and that’s the problem with Wikipedia bobby. It gets certain things like lemon, his orientation or a great grand uncle‘s social status wrong potentially and there’s not there’s not really an allowance for people like you to exist people who want them to be gay who can control Wikipedia articles, and how did his friends confirm that he was gay? What does that even mean? What does that even mean? He was gay but not open to talking about it that’s just absolute fucking bullshit yeah and that’s why people says we can presume that he was gay, but we don’t know where his Wikipedia says Ken friends can confirm that he was why doesn’t people use Wikipedia then There are errors on Wikipedia people have said that for decades.

I’m just so sick of this conversation because I’m sorry now Bobby’s arguing that there are no errors on Wikipedia sincerely bother you want us to take you seriously and the people arguing right now that they want us to take them seriously illuminati resting upon the fact that there are no errors in Wikipedia That’s your argument right now Bobby that there are no errors in Wikipedia, that nothing is ever misunderstood or intellectually shoddy how did his friends confirm that there’s no way a friend can confirm that him and usually people don’t jump that far they don’t say I can confirm someone else’s orientation but they’re not open to talking about it and what the fuck does that even mean is suggesting take this seriously and you don’t at the same time because he wasn’t open to talking about it so I have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s what that means. He and the problem with that is that there are errors on Wikipedia and um friend can’t really confirm or disprove your orientation like objective facts they can give their impression they can say what they think they can say what they believe that you expressed to them from your from their perspective, but they can’t really speak that assuredly, and that certainly to somebody else’s orientation that’s impossible, and yet Wikipedia suggest otherwise in his Wikipedia page it’s completely disgusting intellectually.

I mean, it’s like if it’s like a fucking tablet, friends can confirm unknown sources can confirm it what the hell it’s gossip it’s Wikipedia it’s not supposed to be at Wikipedia thing like that’s just disgusting to me is intellectual and I have a very strong suspicion you and your family are behind that. Oh Ken confirm what the hell it is like they can confirm our gate is that sound, that’s like that with the hell that’s a gay thing to say I can confirm that he’s gay confirmed? Eww! I I mean I’m sorry but that’s we’re gay culture. Does get to be a bit twee at times. oh yeah gay twee and anti-intellectual. It’s just it’s a bit much.

No, we cannot confirm that someone else’s orientation is something else we can give our impression, but any good historian would agree. His Wikipedia page is a travesty.

And yes, I do hold your family greatly responsible. And yes, I’m talking to the Kennedys when I say that and Bobby in particular.

Getting back to my job as a psychic I think he was buried so to speak somewhere probably in France or Belgium. I have a very strong suspicion that he was straight and that he is still straight but being nice I will indulge in the idea that maybe he was bisexual, but personally listening to her being a psychic, knowing what I know and experience and my level of expertise there’s a reason illuminati uses me, Bobby Him she’s channeling me pretty damn well I don’t think that that’s nothing talking to her. She also seen two orbs in the last half an hour and they don’t scare her anymore. She’s talking to a ghost of one Billings and I don’t get the sense that he’s lying to her, I think your family was backward and misunderstood. I’m sorry. Or sweetie as I was saying before I think they wanted to believe he was gay just like the people who can confirm that he was gay want to believe that he was gay for some reason they want to think that he didn’t lie to them, or they want to think that they were closer to him than they were, or that you can trust people to be really open and honest with you about something that personal and I mean, why did he even tell them this, but gave them that impression did they sleep with him and they thought it meant more than he did I have a feeling that there’s a story there And my gut sense is that if something did happen he was probably not as interested in them as they were in him. I have a feeling he was straight or if that’s not the case he probably wasn’t as interested in them as he is, they were in him and they were just his friend and they had a crush on him. I don’t know but as a psychic I am very suspicious of that and I have a very strong feeling that it was actually just you That you and your mom and your brother are the friends from the 70s.

Oh, and that’s the problem Bobby if that’s why it’s friends from the 70s and it’s you that’s evil it’s a lie they don’t say that the Kennedys confirm because a you pretend like you don’t want that sort of you know a role or some thing on his Wikipedia, page of outing him But I have a feeling it’s more personal than that and you’re actually afraid that if you were the ones to say that people wouldn’t believe it anymore and they start to think that you people wanted to think he was gay and that he really wasn’t because it easily could read is that as well it’s like why does he will have to be so covert about this probably because they’re the only reason why were so sure that he was gay and not bisexual We’re not really even that sure would even know but they insist that he was and so few people come out saying we insist we can confirm that he was he just wasn’t open to talking about it that that that looks suspicious cause I wasn’t open to talking about it probably because there’s something a little off about it and he was actually bisexual or he was straight and molested like this blog suggests.

No, there’s a lot of very hard-core evidence except to suggest even if he told somebody he was that it was him that no he was straight most likely and that’s why I have to go with that and go on. I’m sorry no I think he was lost somewhere I think, getting back to what I was really trying to get up, I would love to know someday as a psychic, who talks to the dead often how it makes sense if his body if there’s been carnation how it makes sense that he was able to manifest so well in great Britain because usually people can’t manifest that clearly from my experience That far from their own body and his body was in Pennsylvania and his body was in was in him was probably I would say in France possibly in Belgium, so how did he do that? What comes to me is that he was she was in Great Britain. She was in England, but she was right on the ocean And it was close to France so I wonder if the combination of the two allowed allowed him to manifest because she was in Great Britain but she was on the ocean near France so now I’m just sort of a scientific level. I find that fascinating if there’s reincarnations, and it’s something that Lord willing, I will be able to find out more about someday when I’m not just on a personal level, I find that sort of thing. Fascinating.

Am that being said oh so hot? Oh my word do you understand what he did!? wow.

Lacey, how clear was the touch have him touch your foot OK he just dead and then touch your own foot. What did it feel more like?” asks the psychic.

“ I it’s felt like my own hand except it wasn’t warm. There was no warmth to it. There was no warmth to it or was there you know what that wasn’t but it wasn’t cold and it wasn’t lacking warmth it’s not like oh this doesn’t feel warm and it wasn’t cold, but it felt like a physical hand, which is why I thought it was my legal husband that would touch me, but he was too far away for me to have touched me and he didn’t touch me but but it felt like a human hand, but there wasn’t like worms, but it wasn’t like a lack of worms, but there wasn’t warmth.” says Lacey.

“ I am OK wow oh it’s interesting to me because what you’re telling me secondly, right now is that there’s no way you could’ve probably invented it and I actually think that’s true I don’t think it’s likely either no because it wasn’t it wasn’t what your legal husband would’ve done and he said that there was what hovering over your head before this happened to you?” says the psychic.

“ he said that there were balls of light blue light bouncing around over my head for a while before that.” says Lacey.

“ is it true that his family lived in Swickley at the time?” she asks.

“ yes they did. They lived in They’re House in Sewickley at the time.” says Lacey.

“ oh wow, are you afraid to go to his grave?” she says.

“ I am I think if I felt safe if I had a clearance from God, I would go I’m a little afraid of being a brutally attacked by Hell. And I am also a little nervous that I’m going to be attacked by caveman I’m not as afraid of lesbians or transgender people even transgendered men don’t scare me actually transgendered gay that don’t even scare me. I am horribly afraid of gay men at his grave I have a very strong sense that they might physically attack me like try to stab me or shoot me or something just thought of stupid Mindless hatred.” says Lacey.

“ yeah I don’t think a lesbian would attack you. I get that sense too.” says another person.

“Why do you think a gay man would attack you?” says a living gay man.

“Because I feel like you turn into evil zombies when this issue is brought up in regard to me.” says Lacey.

“So what do you see us doing!!?” says a living gay man. “I’m going to be honest…it’s possible. For real. …I’m a realist. And yeah. It’s possible he was straight. You can fake being straight. …Theoretically could someone really eccentric and unusual fake being gay? Yes! And he was! He was eccentric and unusual. So…that’s in your favor. For sure. I mean it’s possible otherwise…but he was supposedly a little…’extreme.’ …And could someone misunderstand themselves from being molested and think they were gay? YES! …I have a feeling that’s easily what happened.

That being said…what…do you think we could do!???” says a living gay man.

Lacey thinks. “Glare at me while I stood there. Glare at my whole family. Give us dirty looks. Hover. …Ask questions. Initiate obnoxious conversations. …Possibly escalate physically in some way I’m not prepared for. I’m not sure how.” says Lacey.

“I think…it’s weird you find him so attractive.” says a gay man in Pennsylvania. “If he was gay. You don’t find gay men attractive. …You knew me. You never noticed me. …And I was in the closet.

Have you ever found a gay man that attractive?”

“Not that attractive. No! Harry Young and I were friends…and I had a slight crush on him. But I didn’t find him all that attractive. And…it was possibly because we were friends. But even so…we drank together often. And it never occurred to me to touch him sexually at all. Or I found the idea off-putting.” says Lacey. “And he was good-looking. But…he seemed…not straight.”

“So we assumed you had stronger feelings for Harry than you did.” says a girl who knew them both.

“Possibly.” says Lacey.

“She never said anything to me. At all.” said Harry.

“That’s the thing…you don’t go for gay guys.” says the living gay men in Pennsylvania.

“No. So…to me…that’s a huge bit of evidence that he wasn’t actually gay.

Do you like bisexuals?” says another living gay man.

“Sometimes.” says Lacey.

“Do you get the sense that he’s bisexual or straight?” asks a living gay man.

Lacey stops and really thinks.

“Actually…there’s a part of him that scares me. I love him. And I’m not saying I don’t want to be with him. …But…he’s not like men I’ve known who are alive.” says Lacey.

“How so!??!?” says a Millennial woman.

“It’s just a feeling that he could overpower me.” says Lacey.

“You don’t experience that!?? With living men!?” says a friend of hers from high school.

“Well…there’s always that fear of them being bigger. And stronger. But no…it’s not the same. That generation can catch me off-guard. And it’s scary. …I also prefer them. But they’re actually scary in a different way. …No. Roc Hudson…never really appealed to me. I had to force myself to find him attractive.” says Lacey. “He seems, Lem seems…straight.” she says after much thought.

“So…he was straight.” says a living gay man.

Lacey blinks. “Well…I’m trying to be careful.”

“Sure.” says another living gay man.

“Would you commit suicide if you didn’t have kids at this point?” asks Harry Young.

“If the Illuminati was torturing me as much as they have been…I’d have to pray about it. I’m not sure if I’d ever feel good about that outside of dire circumstances. And…it’s been awful but not as bad as I might require it to be to do that.” says Lacey.

“I think he committed suicide.” says Harry Young.

“Do you think he meant it to be on Jack’s birthday and he died too soon?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Harry.

“Didn’t Ken Lay’s son or Bernie Madoff’s son or something kill himself on his father’s birthday? Out of spite? I feel like that’s a very spiteful thing to do.” says Lacey.

“It’s not clearly a loving suicide. There’s something potentially resentful about it. …I’m not convinced he was meaning anything positive. …I think he’d have killed himself on the day he died. Or…some day that meant something to both of them. Not his birthday. …That’s just…too iffey. It feels off.” says Harry. “I mean it’s possible. But…it feels…too easily misconstrued. I think…it’s a weird choice.

Your blog is a good explanation for pretty much every plot hole in David Pitts’s book. And yeah…it means it’s all off. But…it does make perfect sense of everything. And actually…I have to ask: Did you know I was gay?” says Harry.

“I assumed you were. The first conversation I had with you. Within minutes, probably.” says Lacey.

“And you knew JFK wasn’t straight the first time you saw him?” asks Harry.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Wow.

Who else!?!?” says Harry.

“Let me think!

Montgomery Clift…and lots a men seem bisexual. Andy Griffith, Dick Van Dyke, Cary Grant, Desi Arnaz…Ronald Reagan. Humphrey Bogart was supposedly bisexual…but to me he seems pretty much just straight. And actually…Hemingway seems more straight than gay to me too. Possibly slightly bisexual but mostly straight.” says Lacey.

“What about William Holden?” asks Harry.

“I’d bet he was straight. …Bing Crosby seems bisexual? So does Frank Sinatra. …Jimmy Stewart seems bisexual. Gregory Peck seems…mostly straight.

I have a feeling there were a lot of bisexuals in Hollywood. …Elliott Roosevelt was straight. His mother was not. Ha!” says Lacey.