“Sex” by Lem Billings

Last night was interesting.

(Adult content below)

Last night Lacey “rode” Lem because her legal husband used to like that (he often suggested it) and she wanted to give that experience to Lem.

“Hold on!” says Casi. “That’s for your tits.”

“Is it though?” says Lacey.

Casi thinks. Is disturbed. “Your tits actually are as good as mine. Shoot.”

“They’re superior.” says a dead observer. “You just can’t win. Sorry.”

“Why doesn’t she know that?” says Casi.

“The Kennedys.” says the CIA.

At some point Casi cries.

“Hold on!!! You’re taking that seriously?” say living gay men.

“YEAH! …I’m not an idiot!” says Casi. “Not in that way.”

“No. We made love. FINALLY.” says Lem. “It had been too many days.”

“Lem we don’t get your fascination with tits and vaginas.” say living gay men.

“Ha!

Well…that’s called heterosexuality.” says Lem.

“Oh! You practice heterosexuality?!” says a gay man.

“I am a heterosexual.” says Lem.

“YOU ARE ONE?” they say.

Silence. Serious thought amongst many of not most gay men.

“Can a man be homosexual still…if his sole fascination in with vaginas and tits?” says a gay man.

“It’s a bit suspicious.” says another gay man.

“I’m a little worried Lem is just heterosexual.” says another gay man.

“Let’s keep this as a possible conundrum. The conundrum being that if Lem really does just even prefer vaginas and tits…he’s not gay. I suspect it could be far more grievous, however and he might…might…only…like vaginas and tits.” says a gay man.

“Perhaps he’s just a heterosexual!” says a gay man.

“NO!!!” say most living gay men.

“NOT KIRK LEMOYNE BILLINGS! Not THEE K. LeMoyne Billings himself!” says a living gay man.

“What if he only ever wants to screw a woman?” says one gay man.

“Oh! I shan’t worry about that.

Not with K. LeMoyne Billings.” says another gay man, cheerfully. “With a name like that it sounds gay.”

“Joyful and homosexual.” says another gay man.

“Golly.” says a bisexual stopping to think about it.

“Ahh. LET US BE CAREFUL!” says the first gay man. “WE SHOUKD FOLLOW IN ADAM’S LEAD! Dominate the Earth. Yah!?” he says raising his fist into the air.

“YAH!” says another German gay man.

“And as good stewards of the Earth we must label things appropriately. In all matters of human endeavors.” says another gay man.

“I love when he gets violent.” says another gay man, clasping his hands together.

“This is all very funny and it’s obvious that Lem’s straight and we’re being a bit silly…and I highly suspect that if this conversation were to continue, we would decide that it’s entirely possible based on some scientific evidence that we have at our disposal that Lem Billings may have been what is called a heterosexual.

However…I’m more fascinated by what’s going on. Lacey…YOU MADE LOVE!? WITH A GHOST!?” says a gay man.

“Yes! Last night they shut the door…and Lacey closed her eyes and listened to the sound of cars in the distance…and then out of the blue Lem forcefully made love her.” says God.

“Then why did she get on top!?” says a gay man.

“Because of what she said.” says God.

“Yes. But why- Wasn’t he the dominant one?” says a gay man.

“Perhaps they made love.” says God.

“Oh! So…they didn’t have sex?” says another gay man.

“No. They had sex too. As you and other living people often choose to categorize it.” says God.

“If that’s not God I’m sorry!!” says Lacey. “I’m not Moses.”

“What’s the point of getting on top?” asks Casi.

“I don’t know.” says Lacey.

“FUCK!!” yells a living gay man in unison with Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Turns out…we may not be a new imperial government.” says JFK driving in an Audi in China with Bobby’s family, if there’s reincarnation.

“They shot you, Jack.” says Japan.

“Yes! But so? Murder happens in court.” says JFK.

“Jack they didn’t like you.” says Japan.

JFK smiles. “They were just mad.” He laughs.

“Lacey I’m confused.

So…you got on top of your husband during sex. Why!?” says a Lucy, who choses to read this.

Decks Dark by Radiohead plays.

“Because of what she said.” says God.

“What else is a person supposed to do?” says Eminem.

“Yeah. I think. You’re trying to give your husband who is your husband…your heart.” says Lacey.

“Oh. Hearts?” says JFK.

Later.

Decks Dark by Radiohead plays.

“So…you get no say in bed?” asks Casi of Lacey.

“I hope you don’t mind us in your bedroom.” says a gay man.

Lacey looks increasingly confused.

“Wow. You people get- You hate truth?” says Lacey.

“YES!!” says Joel.

“We don’t hate truth.” says the perfume community.

“No. I wonder if you do.” says Lacey.

“Okay. So I’m lost. What is our point, Casi?” says a gay man. “Because…I’m not convinced I’m going to Hell. I’m a Christian. …And…I’m not a pedophile. That’s disgusting to me. …And if I’m not gay in Heaven…so be it. God may not have created us that way. But we’ll see. It is two consenting adults.

…Lem…could have been straight. But I feel really weird saying that.

Why?

What…the fuck…is going on!??

I feel betrayed. By the Democrats.

So…as an upper class fellow…of sorts…I worry.

What if Lem really was that smart? He physically looks straight. I’m sorry. But he really does. For real. …And he’s hot. But…in a Lacey Banks hit-it way.” he says. He laughs.

Joel looks offended on Lem’s behalf but smiles. “Hey!” he says.

Lucy smiles.

“No. They’re great.” says the Christian gay man. “Oh my GOSH. They are.” He says, nodding. “But…he’s straight. Lem is straight. He’s a big, ursine, straight man who’s acting gay. And honestly…to some living people he’s a straight ass. Okay? He’s ANNOYING. Because straight dudes can be annoying to me at times. He’s sloppy…and…umm…straight. Okay?

*He takes a deep breath*

I’m worried it’s possible homosexuality isn’t in Heaven. But…I’m also worried about issues of social class. WHY are we SO obsessed?” he says.

He glares, while grinning at Casi.

“Lacey what do you tell yourself if it’s not Lem?” says Prince William.

“That it’s some sort of supernatural being.” says Lacey. “And…that’s not what I want. But I’m trapped. I’m being held hostage by the They in the Illuminati. And so…worst case scenario…I’ll just have to completely let it go in Heaven and start over.” says Lacey.

There, There by Radiohead plays.

“You must have been in excruciating pain emotionally to choose Lem.” says a man.

“As a ghost? Yes. I’d choose him regardless. But I’m not choosing him. It’s better than that. I’m his rib. So to speak.

So…yes. He’s a ghost. And that’s the problem in this specific discussion. But I’d choose him overall.” says Lacey.

“No! The Kennedys are not fully Irish.” says an Irishman.

“They’re Dutch!” says someone laughing.

“No. I truly think…Joe Kennedy Senior and Rose…were rejected Jews.” says an Irishman. “A little. They’re dirty kikes.”

“Enemy…number…one.” says a laughing man.

“Did you get a crush on Arthur at his Bat Mitzvah?” someone asks JFK, laughing.

JFK races after that person in a music video. As prescribed by Tsar Putin. On loop he races teeth first like an attacking evil alligator, posed for blood loss of his victim and broken cartilage.

Burn the Witch by Radiohead plays.

Suspirium by Thom Yorke plays.

In this AWFUL fallen world…it can be very hard to hear God’s love. And it’s God’s love that wins. There is no love without God. But…He does love us. FOR REAL.

So one must worry about witches who are simply looking for God.

“I ain’t sucking Jesus’s cock.” says a woman who’s non-evil American white trash. No. That ain’t right. She shakes her head no. Pedophilia is wrong. “So I do seances. I ask my grandmother for advice. Because God…feels dead to me. …I know he can’t be. …I’m not a perfect person but I still care. I try. I try to do the right thing. …But sometimes I get to thinking about why. You know? Why are we here? …And so I guess yeah. I’ve practiced witchcraft.” she says, closing her eyes. She looks worried. She cries. “I know it’s wrong. But…my life is hard. And sometimes…I just wanna die. But it makes it easier to talk with grandma. So!” she says smiling and crying.

“She’s SICK!” says a bourgeois perfume collector about Lacey.

The witch laughs. “No! You’re mean.”

“But you’re actually poor.” says the bourgeois perfume collector.

“YEAH!!! And HER HUSBAND IS A GHOST.” she says nodding. She rolls her eyes and walks off in anger. “Why don’t you get it? It’s called empathy.”

“We INVENTED EMPATHY!!! In Japan. WE INVENTED EMPATHY!!” says JFK, primly with certainty.

If there’s reincarnation JFK’s ghost walks through a busy Japanese subway station. As a dead Japanese man.

A Reminder by Radiohead plays.

“Why am I so offensive?” asks Joel.

“I don’t think you are.” says the non-evil white trash witch.

He looks sad. “This is how I started dabbling in white supremacy.” he admits.

“Yeah. I hear you.” she says.

“You just don’t get it!” say a group of non-evil white trash people to the DNC. “We have to vote for Donald Trump. And it’s not because of our evil. It’s because…Joel…is weird to you. But he ain’t to us.”

“No. His pappy came over on the Mayflower.” says the non-evil white trash woman. “And Donald Trump seems to know what we’re talking about.”

“Jack. You are in serious denial.” says a reader.

“Or is he stupid? And that’s why God let him wander around and not be in Hell.” says the non-evil white trash witch

“I don’t get it. So Lacey just…passed along what she knew to him?” says Casi.

“Yes!!” says the non-evil white trash witch. “It’s so simple!”

“That’s loving, Casi.” says another non-evil white trash person.

“I mean…what else are you gonna do?” says her another white trash man.

“Why doesn’t that seem unfair?” asks Casi. “He doesn’t deserve to know that.”

“Because it’s not prostitution. It’s love.” says the non-evil white trash woman.

The Clock by Thom Yorke plays.

“I never share any of my recipes.” says Casi.

Lacey thinks. “I don’t take away my guns anymore until Heaven. They’re constantly cocked at his head. So to speak. Even though he’s dead.

But…it’s love. So you share your recipes. What else is there?!? You might not feel safe. Entirely. Fine! …But trust can be earned. Or some trust has to wait until Heaven for me at this point. But…I give what love I can to him.” says Lacey.

And at that a non-evil white trash man cries.

“So why do you find me so offensive?” asks Joel.

“Yeah. And you sided with them Casi. Which is weird. And it kind of makes a lot of us wonder if you’re an evil sociopath.” says Eminem. He shrugs.

“Because you went to school at UND.” says the current American Episcopalian church.

“I did. Where did you go?” he asks.

“Shoot. UND is about to become difficult for some people to get into.” says a Nesheim.

UND laughs. “The US Supreme Court is so gay.”

“They mean HAPPY!” says JFK, like he’s an intuitive (and all around) expert.

“So you guys are Nazis?” says a non-evil white trash man to MSNBC.

“That’s what the Tsar of Russia says!” says Joel.

“We liked the Nazis.” says Casi. “If there’s reincarnation. Or if I’m just speaking on their behalf. We liked the

“Why?” asks Lem.

“You don’t have to think. They do all your thinking for you.” says Casi. “And they…can be good at making money.”

“You must have been sociopathic though.” says Lacey.

“Not all of us.” says Italy.

“Really!?” says Lacey. “I’ve been suspicious of Italians ever since. And if there’s reincarnation I was first suspicious of you since Verdi.”

Caro nome from Rigoletto by Verdi plays.

“Yeah. Lem was probably straight.” says a living gay man. “So what!?!?”

“So I’m hurt.” says a living gay man, who works for the Los Angeles Times.

“WHY!??” yells the man.

He just glares at him in response. “She’s a FUCKING IDIOT.” he says shaking in rage.

“Oh really? How?” asks Lacey, cheerfully but calmly.

“You read!!? No! You’re STUPID!!” he yells, shaking.

Ella mi fu rapita! from Rigoletto by Verdi plays.

“Oh! You mean the ‘glaring incident’ some Kennedy aid describes?” says Lacey.

“I REFUSE TO ANSWER THAT!!” he says, grabbing a literal butcher’s knife poised to kill her.

Casi laughs.

La donna e mobile by Verdi plays.

“I last went to school at UND.” says Lacey. “I transferred my credits there. I should just finish my degree there if I don’t die. For old time’s sake.”

“Yeah!” says Ron Craft.

“If you destroy UND…I’ll really call your bluff or destroy you.” says Joel.

Act I: Prélude from La Traviata by Verdi plays. Loud.

Later.

“Why don’t they understand. That’s that man’s perspective.” says Lem. “He may have even had some cooperating evidence. But…it’s suspect based what I’ve shared. What coo-berating evidence does he have?”

“I just said that I caught him glaring at me.” says the man. “And I assumed it was because he was gay.”

“It was just a feeling you had when we fucked?” says Lem, sarcastically. “We never fucked.”

“No! We never fucked. But I saw you flirting with me.” he finally admits.

“How was I flirting with you?” says Lem.

“You sighed.” he says.

“How?” says Lem.

“You laughed at me and sighed. And put your feet up on footstool near me. And that showed-off your dick.” he says. “And then you cracked-open a beer can.”

“I see! And that felt homosexual?” says Lem.

“Yes.” he says.

“Well…unfortunately it wasn’t.” says Lem.

The man with the butcher’s knife at the Los Angeles Times stabs a wall as practice for killing Lacey if necessary.

“There are dire moments when my life has been at stake that I’ve had to be nice to the white supremacists.” admits Greta Thurnberg. “They protect you from weirdos like the guy at the Los Angeles Times with the butcher’s knife.”

“We NEVER HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEM!!” says Kick Kennedy on behalf of her whole family.

“No! Never!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior scoffing. “My interest in the white supremacists is purely about my ability to be good.”

“Yup!” says Kick.

“Which is why…my new house is Lacey’s home.” says Bobby. “Yup! The one in Saint Paul, Minnesota. I’m the rightful owner.”

“How?” asks the US Government.

“Based on what?” asks Russia.

Later.

“HOLD ON A DAMN MINUTE!” yells a white supremacist. “DO HER TITS LOOK LIKE MARILYN MONROE’S FOR REAL!?”

“Yes!” says the CIA. “We’ve literally had someone examine them. Truly! For safety reasons. And yes. They are almost exactly alike. …Lacey’s are smaller. But…Lacey isn’t as heavy as Marilyn. And she has a finer bone structure. Kind of like a certain L’Oreal heiress.”

“Lem why do you like smaller boobs?” says the possibly evil white trash man, laughing. “Because I know for certain that all straight men only like HUGE BOOBS.”

“And she got curves like Marilyn too though. The waist and hips and shit.” says a possibly non-evil white trash man. “And damn fine naturally pretty legs. No posing. And I bet her ass is curvy too like Betty Grable’s.”

“Don’t bring that up!” the possibly evil-white trash man snips.

The possibly non-evil white trash man, winces in real pain. “You’re a faggot.” he says to the possibly evil white trash man.

“Yeah. He’s a faggot.” says another white trash person who knows him.

“Oh please. They like getting stabbed. It’s fun for them. They stab themselves with pins all of the time. JFK used to do that to enjoy getting oral sex from Lemmers. It’s connected to their sexual pleasure devices they received from Allah-Mars.” says Lacey. “Allah on Mars.”

“You should go there. And look for the Martian Muslims.” says a man. “For real!!”

Prince Philip laughs.

“I am not A MUSLIM!” yells JFK. “I don’t understand.”

“Stabbed with knives.” says Lacey. “A knife.”

“Oh. That’s sad. No! I don’t stab myself.” says JFK.

“No! You used pins!” says Lacey.

“YES!!!” says JFK.

“He really used to stab himself?” says the possibly evil white trash man in disbelief.

“YES!” yells reality?

“YES!!” yells the CIA. “That is historical fact. We can actually confirm that based on real fact.” He thinks. “No. It’s real. He used to stab himself in his body with pins. And other people.”

“You have to know how to do the pinwook corwectly. Because if you do too much…it go too deep. And then you can bleed. Really bleed. Not just bleed. But bleed bad.” He thinks. “I once stab Lemmers because he rejected my sexual advances. And I go too deep into his bone.”

Later.

“So you guys know he’s straight.” says the possibly evil white trash man to the CIA.

“YES!!” yells the CIA.

He thinks. Shakes his head in irritation. Shakes it again in irritation. Throws things around his house. “Why do you all let us be so FUCKING DUMB!!!??” he yells. Then he cries and decides to go for a walk.

“You MAKE YOURSELF DUMB!!!” yells the possibly non-evil white trash man.

“But it’s okay. Because we gotta go get Lemmers.” says JFK. “He’s fucking my family’s slut now.”

“She’s not your family’s slut.” says the CIA.

“No. But if he demands to think that I’ll destroy them for eternity.” says Lacey. “If I have to.”

“Or I will.” says Joel.

“Why doesn’t Lacey want to strut her stuff like Marilyn?” says the possibly evil white trash man.

“Or I am doing what’s best in the eyes of God. But the Kennedys are trying their damnedest to keep it from affecting the fallen world.” says Lem.

Later.

“I just found out!! SHE MARRY HIM FOR HIS MONEY!” shouts JFK.

“Who?” asks Japan.

“That lady. Ruth is her name.” says JFK. “She not care he gay.”

“They’re also old.” says the CIA.

“Yeah. Okay. The-“ says JP Kennedy.

Later.

“I inherited $250,000.00 says Lacey to Princess Kate who just slovenly called her an ugly, whorish peasant chump.” says Lacey, to Princess Kate who just slovenly called her an ugly whorish peasant chump.

And at that the Queen Mother rolls over in her grace and screams bloody murder. Princess Kate is a self-righteous, penniless, dangerous middle-class snob. She refuses to see the value of the Royal Family as it is.

“Kate…Lacey is in a higher class than you by birth. And let’s not be liars. Those girls have always given you troubles. But…you can’t…lie. She’s not trying to hurt you. You should be less sure she’s an evil peasant.” says the Illuminati.

“They’re always dashing off with William.” says Kate.

“I’m not in love with anyone but Lem.” says Lacey. “Not in that way.”

“She’s not.” says Lane Pryce.

“SO! How much does love really win?” says Lacey.

“Not much.” says Lem, laughing. “God wins. But human love has to be protected in Christ. Because humans are vulnerable without our creator protecting us.”

“Doesn’t mean we should be wimps.” says Lacey. “Or are.”