There’s no way I could have smiled the way I did at Jack’s wedding if I was ever at all involved with him or had any sexual or romantic feelings for him. And, given what happened between us it’s unlikely we weren’t involved in some way. And if you look at my smile and conclude otherwise you’re just dead wrong, I’m sorry. Some facial expressions are impossible given the right psychological conditions.
(June 25th, 2024 – Morning)
A Sparrow Alighted Upon Our Shoulders by Johann Jóhannsson plays.
There’s no one like my Lacey. And yet so many of you seek to violently replace her in God’s mind with Jack Kennedy and I accidentally helped you. Isn’t that something? I gave you the wrong idea. By accident. And yet…many of you also chose to misrepresent things and ignore the fact that it doesn’t…make…sense.
Lacey looked at my photo the other day and analyzed what she would think of it all if she was a gay man. And obviously she can’t be that. But she surmised that she’d notice how straight I look and feel…not attracted to me. She surmised that she’d think I belonged with a woman and that it was odd I was supposedly gay. She surmised I looked straight. …Why don’t you see it? Honestly…it’s there. …And the story makes no sense. Even if I came on to him, and I didn’t exactly, it still looks odd. And no…I never wrote him a love letter. It was on a piece of toilet paper, if I wrote it at all, and it was an attempt to make my life work. So it wasn’t sexy and arousing or filled with love and desire. It was…dull, ordinary and simple. Like…”How about we make it official?” Or…”Would you like to be my boyfriend?” That kind of thing. “Let’s tell people we’re hooking up.” “Let’s be a pair.” …And it made him angry because it was real emotion from me and…he hated my real feelings. It wasn’t just about the fact that I didn’t actually find men attractive…it was about the fact that I was exposing my actual feelings to him. My ignorance. My confusion. My tragedy. …And his response was to play mind games to gain power over me and control my thoughts and my ability to protect myself from him.
But I couldn’t have smiled at Jack’s wedding that day unless I wasn’t in love with him at all…on that day. And that’s simply not possible without a far different narrative than the one promoted publicly. Also…it’s highly unlikely, if not impossible I was anything but straight.
…If there’s an Illuminati Vladimir Putin knows this. He’s a genius. And he understands the delicate workings of the human mind far better than most people I’ve ever encountered. …He’s running the world right now to some degree. China knows that. So does North Korea. So does Iran. …America is in denial.
Truthfully, I can’t and don’t want to love anyone the way I love Lacey. What God created in the Garden of Eden was extraordinary.
…If there’s an Illuminati Lacey loved Putin. And still could. And…that’s only reasonable. …I can relate to him a bit myself in an entirely platonic way. Just as a man. …But you can’t misunderstand it. She’s not Hyacinth Bucket. …And her ability to love him…could be disastrous for the US, if he could have loved her. If he could have loved her…the US took a magnificently wrong turn in the past and has yet to recover.
Where? Lacey suspects the whole country is rotten. …I worry it had something to it. Right? Something good. What was it really? …And how does America cope with the fact that Putin knows history and we don’t understand why we should even care at all, it seems?
Why care about me? Because I’m part of the lie. My mistaken personal narrative is part of what’s wrong with the US in general. Is it just about dangerous assumptions? Or what? What is it?
And in the meantime…I have to convince Lacey of so damn many things. Not like how Jack was in denial that he was bisexual. I have to convince her I’m not far too good for her. I have to convince her I’m…real. I have to convince her that her opinion matters at all. That her opinion is real. It’s Hellish. And as much as I messed-up…I don’t think I deserved this. …I was a real victim. I was actually confused. …And again, Putin knows this all. And he’s far better off than possibly anyone who believes without remorse or reservations that a straight man can be seduced by Hell into giving away his soul for nothing and no reason except some sick, truly psychotic obsession with sexually pleasing an often violent, drug addicted, philandering, but publicly admired, malignant narcissist. …See! You think I would? WHY!? …THAT’S INSANE. …Why!? Why…would any straight man give away his soul for NO REASON…and only because of some bizarre, random, psychotic fixation with an evil rat faced loser? But you believe it? FERVENTLY? Why? WHY!?
…I looked straight. And if you know that…deep down…why ignore it?! Why suppress that? Why!? …I did act gay. But…on a deep level you may very easily notice I was straight. Why are you ignoring that?
Keen to Cross the Pond 