“The Honey” by Lem

I acted gay. I wasn’t actually gay. Joel Osteen is more genuinely homosexual than me.

(Adult content below)

Last night I got sex. And then Lacey fell asleep. Because she’s exhausted. And literally couldn’t stay awake.

And then at 3 AM she woke up and a little girl died. She overdosed in a so-called child brothel. And that was good. Because she was in incredible suffering.

That little girl may be my daughter. And Lacey’s daughter.

She was about ten years old. And ten years ago all Hell broke loose when JFK found her in the womb and was appalled by her resemblance to Lacey and me. He is very evil.

But this morning she died.

“Guys seriously though. I get their frustration.” says Joel Osteen.

Cool! Why don’t you finally tell us about it. Because apparently they’re too stupid to cognitively understand that we really don’t just automatically know.

“Okay. Umm…as a Russian…I could tell you. But as an American I cannot.” says a Russian.

Lem thinks.

“So…tell me as a Russian!” says Lem.

“You people are…spoiled.” says the Russian.

“Who!??” says Lem.

“Okay…maybe not you and your wife. Nor Putin. …But…a lot of your class is very spoiled.” he says.

Lem calms himself. “No. No, sir. You’re unfortunately very wrong.” says Lem. “You’re thinking of Hollywood elites. And bourgeois people. Not the Old Money.”

The Russian thinks. “But you hold power through the oil.”

“Yes!!! For safety. …But we aren’t spoiled. Unless you mean…safety is spoiled. Or being…well mannered is spoiled. Or holding power is spoiled. …I’m not a fool.” says Lem.

He thinks. “Lem I want the impossible.” he says. “I want everyone to be a king. Literally.”

“Of billions of little countries?” says Lem.

“No. Big countries.” he says.

“Billions of huge, ultra powerful countries?” says Lem.

“Yes.” he confesses.

“Who wins?” says Lem.

“That’s a silly question!” he says, getting agitated. “EVERYONE.”

“How?” says Lem.

“It’s imaginary.” he says.

“It still has to make sense. Somewhat.” says Lem.

“Because I decided at first that it was going to make sense.” he says.

“EXACTLY!” says Lem.

He smiles. Chuckles. Thinks.

“Maybe it isn’t real.” says Lem.

Charlie Kirk rolls his eyes in agreement with Lem.

“I don’t want that. I only wanted to be in charge because I don’t think people know what they’re doing.” says Lem. “If everyone had a safe, peaceful, enormously powerful country…I actually don’t know that I’d want to run any country.” says Lem.

The Russian man thinks.

“So what would you do?” he says.

“Just be with my wife and family safely in Heaven.” says Lem.

The Russian man almost cries. He thinks. “Fine! You’re babysitting us. In your mind.” he says. He chuckles. “You know I might just think you’re bad at it.”

“What would you find so upsetting?” asks Lem.

“The way you don’t praise me!” he says.

“Ahhh! Idolatry? Or what?” says Lem.

Later.

“Yes!!” says the Russian old man. “I want…something.”

“Compliments!” says Ekaterina.

“YEESS!” he says.

Phantom Thread II by Jonny Greenwood plays.

3:07

The old Russian man cackles. Like Satan. Lacey is unimpressed.

“Are you fucking done yet?” she asks him like he’s genuinely retarded.

She waits.

He stops laughing. Looks at her.

“What the fuck do you want, bitch?” says Lacey.

He grows uneasy.

Lem smashes his head into the table. “TELL HER YOU TOAD. OR SUFFER!!!” Lem says.

“Compliments!!” he stammers, with his face smashed into the table.

“I was trying.” says Lacey.

Lem lets up his head.

“THEN WHERE ARE THEY!??” he yells.

Lacey shrugs. “Why are they already supposed to be here?” asks Lacey.

Catch Hold by Jonny Greenwood plays.

1:25

“We could have fixed this. But Kate scares us.” says Donald Trump. “So now we’re doing things the ugly way.”

The song plays and ends.

Phantom Thread III by Jonny Greenwood plays.

And plays.

The south grabs arms.

1:42

“Why? Why do YOU deserve that!?” Lem asks the old Russian man.

“BECAUSE I’M ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING!!!!” he yells.

The song ends.

“I AM A GOD!!!!” he yells. “HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY THRONE!”

“I agree. Except that’s my throne. But this poor fool is talking sense.” says Ekaterina. “Let him speak.”

“You all believe you’re literal royalty?” asks the Old Money in hidden horror.

“We are. You just don’t quite understand yet.” says Ekaterina.

Later.

“How are you?” asks the CIA.

“It’s in the music!” says Ekaterina.

“No. That’s Lem.” says God.

“No. Silly goose. That’s me.” says Ekaterina to God.

“How is that you?” asks God.

She can’t explain because it’s bullshit. It’s not her at all.

“So…what do you do with Jonah?” asks God.

“What do you mean?” asks Ekaterina.

“He’s a problem for you. He’s…vain.” says Lem.

House of Woodcock by Jonny Greenwood plays.

“Oh. He’s not that bad…dahling.” says Ekaterina imagining that she’s unbearably sexy to Lem. She is quite like Gloria’s character in Sunset Boulevard.

“Oh. Why?” asks Lem.

“Oh you man!” says Ekaterina copying Lacey. “You want to fuck me.” she says, demurely. “Oh well. I have too many lovers. You’ll have to wait.

…Dahling….Jonah is good.” says Ekaterina.

3:12

“Oh no.

Dearest…he’s not.” says Lem. “Dahling…you must not take him to heart.”

“Oh no!” she says partially coming back into reality from her delusion. She seemingly has to maintain the co-delusion that he’s her champion and best friend in order to feel better than everyone else.

“Dahling!!! You Have MOI!!” shouts Rupert Brooke.

Ekaterina laughs.

He takes her hand. “Lovely…let us examine him together.”