Lacey went on a weird…date (?) with Putin.
“So you have no friends?” says Putin.
“I did not.” says Lacey.
“Why are you starring at me?” he says.
“Because you have sexy eyes.” she says.
“Let’s have sex.” he says.
And at that Lacey was…BAFFLED.
“Just have sex with him!!!” yells assholes in the US.
“You’re asking her to let you rape and molest her. And that’s not allowed. She’s not beneath you socio-economically. So you’re going to have to be honest. In the US we are psychotically controlled by the Kennedy family.” says the CIA.
“It was a BRILLIANT elite move!” says a poor woman who was hoping Putin would throw her to the dogs.
“Except you’re not a landlord. You’re not worth trillions in oil.” says God.
“SO WHAT!? Once you’re in…You’re in!!” she says.
“So you have no class system in Russia either?” says Lacey to Putin.
“No! We do!” he says.
“Then what was that all about? You’re acting like a heathen thug.” says Lacey. “I’m my own company. And I’ll kill you all and torture the dead with Satan…as my ‘wife’…and plaything if I have to.” says Lacey who is mysteriously drinking red wine.
“You told her…not to laugh…at her own jokes!? Huh. That’s…sad.” says King Charles III.
“I was trying to be alone with her.” says Putin.
“Then why weren’t you alone with her?” asks King Charles III.
“Let’s just suffocate her!” says Olivia N..
“That…CLEARLY…doesn’t…work.” says the CIA.
“You’re a 1 Lacey!!” yells an MSNBC reporter.
“No! I’m not. I’m a 10. Apparently.” says Lacey.
“Putin…sweetie…are you too young for her?” asks a psychic.
“You’re OUT OF MY LEAGUE!” yells Putin at Lacey.
“Oh! Oh…right.” says Lacey.
“I date women who are in my league usually.” he says.
“WHY??” says Lacey, curiously.
“Because I like them better.” he says.
“Oh! They’re pushy, bourgeois bitches?” says Lacey.
“No, they’re nice women.” says Putin.
“Alright! What are they doing that…you prefer? In conversation.” says Lacey.
“They’re…probably in control of me. But in an entirely different way.” says Putin.
“And you size them up. Quickly. Right. …I was just trying to enjoy myself. Sorry.” says Lacey.
“That’s all you were doing?” he says.
“YES!!” says Lacey.
“You were heartless.” says a woman to Putin.
“He was. He completely embarrassed himself.” says his country.
“Why did you hate her?” says a Russian woman smiling.
“I wonder if it was because he’s still in love with his wife?” says Lacey.
“POSSIBLY!” says the Russian woman.
“MAKES SENSE.” says Lacey.
“Why do you men always do that to me!? What is your FUCKING PROBLEM!?” says Lacey.
“We’re just feeling loyal.” he says.
“Then why bother at all!?” scoffs Lacey, kindly if possible.
“Because I’m in love!” says Putin.
“With whom!?” says Lacey.
“With her.” he admits.
“WOW! I was that offensive!? Or that honorable?” says Lacey.
“That honorable.” he says.
“Good. Than go to her!” says Lacey.
“I’m still in love.” he says.
“With your wife?” says Lacey.
Lem laughs.
“With you.” he says.
“WELL SHIT!!” says Lacey.
Lem stifles a laugh.
Putin smiles.
“What will you do!?” says Lacey.
“You’re very hard to sleep with.” he says to Lacey.
“NOT FOR US!!” says Elliott Roosevelt, laughing cavalierly.
Later.
“Lacey‘s impression of things right now is that Vladimir Putin never gave a shit about her almost at all beyond some vain imagination that he had or some crush that he had on some dumb female Kennedy, or some American moviestar who’s a total bourgeois bitch. She doesn’t think that he finds her attractive at all right now. or has really any feelings for her at all very fact, I think she thinks he was just trying to fit in with Americans and that he really is just a brilliant soulless jackass, or a very spoiled little boy.” says the CIA.
“What if that’s not true?” says Lacey.
“Who put him up to turning this into some sort of game to make fun of her?” says a dead Russian mafia leader.
“Bobby Kennedy Junior. He was very hurt by the reality check that he had with Lem and he decided to take his narcissistic rage out in the situation and I don’t think he should probably have been allowed to do that.” says the CIA.
“So I just lost her!?” says Tsar Putin.
“You sure did. You fucking did! You little stupid fucking bitch!” says Lacey.
Awkward silence.
“I’ll just create a clone of you in Heaven do your job for you. You COCK SUCKER.” says Lacey to Tsar Vladimir Putin.
“It’s okay. We’re still friends!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, throwing his arm around his shoulders.
Love In Any Language by Sandi Patti plays.
Bobby closes his eyes…puckers-up…leans in.
1:47
Bobby gets a little confused when Putin contorts his face away…and tries to distract him with slow dancing.
“I used to dance to this song a little girl.” says Lacey.
“I know. I used it to try to harass you.” says JFK. “BUT I misunderstood. You just liked the beat. And her voice. …Or you had some geopolitical issues you were singing about.” he says sadly.
“I DID!” says Lacey.
Sandi Medley by Sandi Patty plays.
Putin winks at his aids to give Bobby an injection. Bobby crumbles. Falls to ground.
My Tribute by Sandi Patty plays.
“I like her too.” admits JFK.
“Is this about the economy?” Putin asks the US.
“In your country?” says the CIA.
“Do I die?” Lacey asks Lem, desperately.
“Yes.” says Lem.
“WHAT HAPPENED!?” says Lacey.
It Is Well With My Soul by Sandi Patty plays.
“I hate this song.” says Lacey. “It’s modern bullshit. A naive fools happiness. But…fuck their pain…I’m glad for them. Sad, precious fool.”
“I AGREE!” says a Holocaust victim. He laughs with Lacey.
“IT’S OFFENSIVE!” says Lacey.
“THEY HAVE…NO…CLUE!” he says.
Lacey empathizes with him.
Upon This Rock by Sandi Patty plays.
Tsar Vladimir Putin dances with Joe Kennedy II. Joe tries to make-out with him.
Joe is injected. Joe II falls.
3:49
And at that…Ethel is lowered from the ceiling…wearing a thong.
4:53
Just a thong.
The song ends.
Ethel walks up to Tsar Putin with five guns pointed at Tsar Putin.
“I just wanted this moment alone with you. I’ve heard that Lacey has really great tits, but nothing can beat these puppies!” says Ethel. “I hear you’re into the older chicks?” 
A group of a hundred Russian soldiers bombard the pole room where this was all taking place. They shoot the attackers until they’re all dead. But…amazingly…with her demonic protections Ethel just stands there while bullets fly about her. Wearing a thong. It’s green.
More Than Wonderful by Sandi Patty plays.
Putin dodges bullets as well. Of course.
But Bobby and Joe have demonic protectors as well so they too are completely sparred. Ethel stands with her kids…at her feet. She may be slightly confused.
People lay dead all around. Mostly all angry Ukrainians who “defected” and volunteered to “help the US” via the CIA.
Was It A Morning Like This by Sandi Patty plays.
Ethel sits down criss-cross applesauce. Rests her head on her hand, elbow on leg.
“They look really dead!” shouts Ethel Kennedy.
There Is a Saviour by Sandi Patty plays.
A Russian soldier comes and picks up Ethel and she walks out slowly, completely confused.
Bobby and Joe are out. As in, unconscious.
4:18
The song ends.
30 dead men lay in the pole room.
No Other Name by Sandi Patty plays.
3:20
Apparently the idea is…Ethel was…old? And…Lacey is old in a way…so…
The song ends.
Shepherd of My Heart by Sandi Patty plays.
“I used to love this song.” says Lacey. “When I was very little. It’s SUCH BULLSHIT. But I trust in God regardless.”
“No. It’s not actually bullshit in concept. In a way.” says Jesus.
Lacey thinks. “But you’ve been as helpful as gravity. Or no?”
Jesus thinks. “No. I can see why you’d say that. But no.”
“Too bad humans exist. Right, loser?” says Lacey to Jesus. “You’re too dumb and worthless to do much?”
“No.” says Jesus.
“Alright. But what happens to my heart? You dropped it.” says Lacey. “I still have it. But I’m the one protecting it. You’ve done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! NOTHING BUT KISS SATAN’S ASS!”
“No. I’m not actually kissing Satan’s ass. It just looks like that.
…Your heart has been protected by both of us. But you’re right. I’ve often had to rely on you to save yourself.” says Jesus.
“So then what do you do?” says Lacey.
A Doll Sings the Guys by Sandi Patty plays.
“As much as I can. Given a fallen world.” says Jesus.
“Is she a heartless bitch?” says Lacey about Sandi Patty.
“No.” says Jesus. “But you’d never be her friend.”
“Too bad.” says Lacey. “Why are people so evil? If you’re Jesus? She’s A BITCH.”
“No. She’s not.” says Jesus.
5:30
“She’s heartless to you. You’re interacting with her spirit and she hates you.” says Jesus.
“WHY!?” asks Lem. He stabs Jesus in the gut.
Jesus pulls out the sword.
7:43
A dead Englishman laughs.
The song ends.
You’ll Never Walk Alone by Sandi Patty plays.
“No, it’s understandable.
Why? Ah…
Let’s start another blog post.” says Jesus.
“Are you actually in love with me?” Lacey asks Putin.
“Yes!” says Putin.
“Are you alright?” Lacey asks him.
“Turn off phone yes!” says Putin.
Later.
Turns out Sandi Patty has been helping the Illuminati control Lacey, if they exist. She was inculcating into the Illuminati in 1987? They grew increasingly interested in her as she became more and more popular.
She appreciates Lacey’s Christianity.
“I just can’t believe you people exist!!” says Lacey. “This is INSANE!”
“We might.” says Sandi.
“You’re not that rich. There are so many rich people!” says Lacey.
“I know what you mean.” says Tsar Putin.
“How do you all pick and choose who gets in?” asks Lacey.
“It’s just based on proximity to power. In a way. Or popularity.” says Sandi Patty.
“So you believe in reincarnation?” says Lacey to Sandi Patty.
“Yes!” says Sandi Patty.
“Based on what scripture?” says Lacey.
“I don’t know.” she says.
“Okay.” says Lacey.
Awkward glances all around.
“You’ll have to let me talk to her!” says Lem.
“Did Sandi Patty sleep with Bobby Kennedy Junior?” asks Lacey.
“Yes?” says Sandi Patty. “In the 1980’s. We met at a party. For a political candidate.”
“Okay! So why- Tsar Putin…who exactly do you think one should pursue?” asks Lacey.
And at that Sandi Patty escorts Joe III and Bobby to an awaiting plane. They fly home. Or will be. With Ethel who is now dressed and waiting in her wheelchair. This was a big deal trip for Ethel.
Ethel says, “WHEN IS BOBBY COMING OUT!?”
“I’m here mom!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.
“No. You’re not.” says Ethel.
“Yes. I’m here.” says Bobby.
She stares at him. “WHEN IS BOBBY COMING OUT!?”
“I’M OUT!!” says Bobby.
“No!! WHERE IS YOUR FATHER!? WHERE IS BOBBY!??” yells Ethel.
“His ghost!?” asks Joe.
She stares at them like they’re total idiots.
“THIS WAS HIS BIRTHDAY!!” says Ethel. “Wasn’t this his birthday!?”
“Wasn’t this his birthday!?” says Bobby. “No! We’re in RUSSIA!”
She stares.
“We’re celebrating Putin.” says Bobby.
“I stripped for him? As a joke. For your dad!” says Ethel.
“No. You- MOM…you were his sex treasure.” says Bobby.
“NO! I was his entertainment. FOR YOUR FATHER.” says Ethel.
“Dad is dead.” says Joe.
“He died…okay? But…I saw him. Bobby…I don’t get jabs. Ha! …I saw him. He’s not dead. You know that. Don’t lie.” says Ethel.
“Mom. You were supposed to seduce him.” says Joe.
Keep Their Heads Ringin’ by Dr. Dre plays.
“I was. FOR YOUR FATHER!” shouts Ethel.
“No. For ME!” says Bobby.
“I don’t like you. You’re my son.” says Ethel. “You’re my SON!”
“Not supernaturally.” says Bobby. “Supernaturally we’re SISTERS.”
The song plays.
“You’re MA BITCH!” says Ethel.
“No! YOU’RE MAH BITCH!” says Bobby.
Fantastic Voyage by Coolio plays.
“Look…why did we come here? I would never cheat on your father.” says Ethel.
“To seduce Vladimir Putin.” says Joe.
Ethel looks confused.
“Mom. We have to have sex with him…to keep the sex power in white people’s hands.” says Joe.
Oh Boy by Cam’ron plays.
Bobby stands up and starts dancing on the plane. Yes. They requested this music on the plane.
“Why are you here?” Ethel asks Bobby.
“To have a fun time with Vlad!!” says Joe.
“See…your father was supposed to be here.” says Ethel.
The song ends.
Ethel plays a video game.
Just Playing by The Notorious B. I. G. plays.
“Did you have sex with him?” asks Bobby of Joe.
“No. We both passed out.” says Joe.
“SHIT!!!” says Bobby.
Bitch Please II by Eminem plays.
“Mom! Can you try again tomorrow?” says Bobby. “I just got off of the phone.”
“No! You’re not going to make me do that! I need to go home!” says Ethel.
“Mom! He’s already seen your boobs.” says Joe.
“That was for your father!” says Ethel.
“NO!! It was for Joe Biden. Remember?” says Joe.
“Joe Biden. Man! I’m so tired of him.” says Ethel.
“Mom.
Why didn’t we get any traction?” says Bobby.
One Eight Seven by Dr. Dre plays.
“Because we have no idea where your father is!” says Ethel.
“Mom! You were supposed to sleep with Putin.” says Joe.
Gold Digger by Kanye West plays.
“Mom! You WERE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP…WITH TSAR PUTIN!” says Bobby.
She shakes her head. Laughs.
“SHIT!!” says Bobby.
2:16
“SHIT!!” yells Bobby.
“I’ll send him dirty pictures!” jokes Ethel.
“No! Mom! You were supposed to sleep with Putin!” yells Joe.
Apparently Ethel was supposed to sleep with Putin and so was Bobby. And Joe would have been fine too. But they were incapable of doing it.
The Illuminati has gone too hard against Lem Billings. For Bobby’s sake.
Lights, Camera, Action by Mr. Cheeks plays.
Coffee is served to Ethel and Joe and Bobby.
“Damn he good!” says Ethel.
“Mom. How hard would it have been for you to just TRY!” says Joe.
“I had sex with your father. Did the Illuminati catch the energy?” says Ethel.
“Mom. DAD WASN’T THERE!” says Joe.
“Then who was that!?” says Ethel.
“DAD?” says Bobby, humoring her.
“Why was I seducing that man? For dad?” says Ethel.
“They need the sex energy for the US election.” says Joel Osteen on the phone.
Get In My Car by 50 Cent plays.
“So the idea…is to…date women who have a similar view of the world. Who have similar experiences.” says Putin.
“Do you have any idea how difficult that is for me to find!? It’s INSANE!” says Lacey.
“It is!” says Elliott.
Putin looks upset.
“Truly…Elliott and I were that. …But that didn’t even work. Neither of us were her soulmates. You are. Or were. …So was Harold Loeb. And now she’s with Lem. …It’s not quiet what you think.” says Elliott. “You’re supposed to be able to seduce women, as a man. Not the other way around.”
“I can’t seduce her!” says Putin.
Elliott thinks.
“No! That’s a LIE!!!” yells Louis. “WHO TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT!?”
And at that after the pole dancing room has been cleaned Usha and JD Vance walk in.
Dick In A Box plays as a joke.
JD wows people with his genuinely good pole dancing skills. He’s smooth, coordinated, and has a good sense of rhythm. He wears nothing.
Usha wears a black lace teddy. Tries to dance.
She claps for him.
She smiles broadly and cheers him on.
“Is Ivanka coming?” says Putin.
“NOPE. Not this time.” says Usha condescendingly, shrugging. “It’s just JD and I.”
My Trigger plays next.
They stand in front of him. Starring at him. After JD has finished dancing. He’s slightly breathless.
The music plays.
The song ends.
Lonely Life plays again.
They all stand there starring. Awkward.
Putin laughs. Rubs his hands together.
“SO! Fuck me. You can just fuck me.” says Usha. “You don’t have to fuck JD. He’ll fuck me later.” she says nervously.
JD nods and walks off, chill.
“No. I want to fuck Lacey.” says Putin.
“We can’t fly her here. Just send her telepathic messages. Or…we could spend another $5 billion to escort you to America. And let you see her like last night. But…I don’t think we can.” says Usha.
“I can’t get an erection. And I’m EXHAUSTED.” says Putin.
“BUT YOU PUT OUT FOR HER LAST NIGHT!!” screams JD Vance.
“Not really.” says Putin.
JD rolls his eyes.
“Let’s get sexy!” says Usha.
“No. Go home.” says Putin.
“I don’t want to. I wanna see your…cock.” says Usha.
Putin shakes his head no. And then briskly marches off.
Usha shrugs. JD Vance dances with her.
“JUST FUCK EACH OTHER!” yells Donald Trump, telepathically.
They awkwardly try to have sex. Two ghosts emerge from earlier and walk through them.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
You must be logged in to post a comment.