Let’s imagine if JFK actually was a woman.
Let’s call her Gladys Parnell.
This is what Gladys wishes she looked like:
Not quite Lacey. No. This.
And in reality…this is how straight Lem is if Jack Kennedy was a woman named Gladys:
Whether there’s homosexuality in Heaven or not…this man…is not what we would call a clear heterosexual. But see…Gladys..the female version of Jack Kennedy…can’t quite let it go. No! SHE BELIEVES…that “SHE DONE FOUND A REAL GOOD MAN!”
“It wasn’t a Parnell Presidency this year!” says a gay man.
“Nope.” says Lem. “The Parnells lost.”
Where did Gladys Parnell grow-up?
“That’s ME HOUSE!” she says, thinking she’s being hilarious.
“WE LOVE GLADYS!!” says this man
“Oh my gosh! I love her! You guys!!!” says Ken.
“Ken…do you come from a super repressive Asian family?” asks a man.
“No!” says Ken. “Not at….ALL.”
“No!! They’re real nice folk!” say Gladys.
Ken cries. Blinks. His large, soft, lip-glossed lips pucker…as tear drops fall down his immaculately cared for face.
“What’s wrong?” asks a gay man, who’s oddly unconcerned with Ken’s welfare.
Ken tries to act straight. “AHH…nothing. I’m just…struggling.” he says.
“With what!??” says the gay man.
“MY LIFE!” he says, weeping beautifully but with restraint. He bats his eyelashes. Opens his mouth a bit. Waits desperately for help. Waits for someone to catch on. Waits for someone to care.
“Oh my GOD! Your life is so fucking great!” says a living gay man. “YOU ARE…THE PARNELL FACE! YOU ARE MR. Parnell.”
“That’s NOT MY LAST NAME!” he says, in a flamboyant manner.
“NO! It so IS!!!” yell the gay men.
“OH MY GOD!!! IT IS NOT!!!” he says nervously.
Boom Boom by Britney Spears plays.
Ken hears and starts dancing.
“OH! You wanna see ma ASS!??” says Gladys.
Ken smiles sweetly, as an Asian gay man who’s trying to be kind.
“ALRIGHT! WATCH!!!” says Gladys. She grabs a vacuum cleaner and tries to make it look sexy.
“I got the boom boom broom!” says Gladys, trying to sexy
“Oh my GOD!” says America. “YOU’RE RICH!”
Toxic by Britney Spears plays.
“Yup. We’re really rich.” says Ken. Gladys shoves him in a Mercedes.
She drives off at lightning speed. Ken raises his arms in the air. Screaming. “WOOHOO!!”
“Ken looks happy?” says America.
Gladys gives Ken “football lessons.”
Outrageous by Britney Spears plays as Ken is given “football lessons” by this guy:
“Oh my GOD! If Ken was gay…he’d have been totally sleeping with that man!!” says America.
“Yeah! Ken is straight.” says Gladys.
“That is…MY SAXY brother BEN!!! He’s the SEXIEST MAN IN MY ENTIRE FAMILY!!” says Gladys. “He got a sex drive…and sexual magnetism LIKE ME!”
“No. He’s very sexy!!” says Ken, flirting with Ben very slightly.
“Ken…do you…get out much?” asks MSNBC.
Ken shakes his head no. He smiles. Laughs a straight man laugh. Slaps his knee.
“He’s a knee-slapper. Just like my whole dang family!” says Gladys.
40 years later:
“Since discovering that some people decide to stay in bad situations…even within the context of MARRIAGE…we’re now fairly sure Ken was staying with Gladys entirely on his own terms. He was probably…happy.
And he was DEFINITELY STRAIGHT!!” says America on Wikipedia in the 2000’s.
“I can definitely confirm he was straight and happy!” says this man
“There are rumors that this man was sleeping with Gladys.” says Lem.
“HE WAS NOT!!” says Gladys.
“No sure was not!” says Gladys’s brother, Frank.
“Okay! SO YOU CAN GUARANTEE HE WAS STRAIGHT!!??” says Wikipedia.
“YUP!!!” says this man:
“Okay! Cool!” says Wikipedia.
“Damn! He sexy.” says an attractive woman.
“You wanna dance!?” says a woman with large fake boobs, to Ken.
Ken cries. Controls himself. He’s put in public a lot. Photographed frequently.
“I’ll dance!” he says, trying to enjoy dancing.
She laughs.
He laughs too.
He lip-synchs.
They dance.
The song ends.
He claps.
Snooze by SZA plays.
The woman tries to slow dance with Ken. He tries it. Briefly. But it looks awkward.
“You’re so sweet!” the woman says to Ken.
He gives a toothy, sweet smile. “AWW!” he says.
“WHATCHU DOING!?” says Gladys intruding.
Baddest In The Room by Fridayy plays.
Gladys tries to twerk. It’s hilarious but we aren’t supposed to think that. The other woman is escorted off. Ken seems relieved.
Gladys’s husband:
“Isn’t he dreamy!?” says America.
“One time it got really awkward with her husband because Gladys had a habit of hanging-out with lots of women and she left her husband Lars and I home alone a lot together.” says Ken.
“What happened?” asks Louis Bayard.
“ how am I used to listen to books on tape? Well I net I developed a knitting habit and a lot of other habits are being Gladys’s best friend we weren’t really married. This was her actual legal husband, Lars, but one time I was listening to a book on tape with Lars Shakespeare actually and I was knitting a scarf for Lars just for fun. I need scarves for everyone in the family and Lars looked at me and he said my neck is cold. Could you please put that around my neck and so I put it around his neck and he said Ken he grabbed my hands and he said Ken sometimes I wonder how much I need you to and I said Gladys is going to come home tonight Lars I don’t want her to get the wrong idea.” says Ken.
“ what was what was Gladys doing with all of her female friends?” says a reader.
“ she had a tendency to do explorations with them and I didn’t give a shit because it got her completely out of my hair. I hate Gladys I hate Gladys she’s a horrible bitch and I make really good scarves now!” says Ken.
“ so you’re you’re you’re straight man!?” yells the DNC.
“ no, I was gay I am gay I was not in love with worse he was annoying. I might’ve been slightly attracted to him, but not very much.” says Ken.
“ so you are a straight man Ken!?” says the Parnell family.
“ oh yes, he seems very straight. You seem very straight. I’ve seen lots of people who look exactly like you who are extraordinarily straight.” says Russia to Ken.
“You are so pretty, Ken!” says a gay man.
He smiles kindly. “I’m happy. I’m dead. I’m…actually really happy. …You can have that happiness too in Christ.” he says.
“So…you’re not available?” says a gay man.
“NO. I’m taken.” he says.
“BY GLADYS!?” says America.
“YUP!!” says America to itself. “It’s gotta be GLADYS PARNELL!!”
The Parnell family was known for being philanthropic. Eventually. …For a while in the 1970’s they were known to steal from convenience stores, department stores, and grocery stores, based on the premise that would be paid back by the Parnell Family Foundation. …They usually were. But not always. At times the Parnells forgot to reimburse the stores.
The Parnell Family Foundation was started in 1953 by Edmund Parnell. A man of English, Welsh and German descent. And American. The founder of the Parnell family. He made his money by buying most of Montana. And then selling the property to the US government. It’s unclear how he came to own Montana. But…he owned huge swaths of the state and was often dubbed as, “THE MAN WHO OWNS MONTANA!”
Gladys…his second oldest daughter had a fascination with Asia. She took frequent trips there. And on one excursion she came home with Ken. Ken Lau.
“How did Gladys find Ken?” asks an intellectual.
“I FOUND HIM AT A PARK!” she says. “HE WAS LOOKING FOR A DOG!”
“I loved dogs.” he says.
“Why did you go home with her!??” asks Wikipedia.
“Because…she seemed…like a friend.” says Ken.
“I DID! I’m SEXY!!!” says Gladys.
“What did you do, Gladys?” says a reader.
She disappears momentarily.
“Gladys…what made you so sexy?” says America.
“Ha! Well…if you must know…I ate prunes.” she says laughing, and then becoming sad.
“YOU ATE PRUNES!?!” yells Marsie.
“YEAH!! It ‘‘twas good…for me figure.” says Gladys.
Americans loved her because she was so down to earth and relatable.
Moon River by Henry Mancini plays.
“I was very…sexy.” says Gladys.
She twirls like she’s Joann, Paul Newman’s wife.
“Once…Henry Mancini himself told me that I had purty hair.” says Gladys.
Love Theme from ‘Romeo And Juliet’ by Henry Mancini plays.
She does a dumb dance in imitation of a ballerina.
1:22
“Gladys…are you an adult?” asks Donald Trump.
She thinks. “YES????” she says, nervously. “WE WERE RAISED NORMAL!!!”
The song ends.
“Did you? Huh.” says Donald Trump.
“Yup! I’m a real lady.” says Gladys.
And in fact Gladys was known as a very good woman. She was loved and admired for her supposed beauty, charm and grace.
“GLADYS PARNELL!” says Athalia Ponsell, dreamily.
She won the Miss America contest 12 times. Consecutively. And then she was shot.
“How did Gladys win!??” says Roger Sterling.
“Her daddy bought it for her!” says Don Draper.
“NO! That’s not how. I fucked the entire panel of judges. Every year. I just fucked ‘em!” says Gladys.
Candlelight on Crystal by Henry Mancini plays.
“I helped.” says Ken eating a Blow Pop.
“Ken! What did you do?!” says a gay reader.
“Oh my gosh. No. I didn’t put out myself! …I set the mood.
Proper lighting.
Proper wardrobe.
Music.
Perfume.” says Ken.
“I dazzled ‘em!” says Gladys.
“Best ten seconds of my life!” says a Miss America pageant judge. “It was fine until she got closer to my face. It’s amazing what lighting and wardrobe can do.”
“And smellies!” says Ken.
“You call perfume smellies?” says Wikipedia.
“Yup.” says Ken.
“That’s…kinda…ahh…unique.” says Wikipedia.
“So…Gladys…what did you do get shot?” asks Donald Trump Junior.
“Nothin’!!!” she says.
“They shot her because she WON!” says Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy, trying to laugh at herself.
“I WON EVERY DAMN TIME!!” says Gladys.
“So why did you get shot?” asks a man.
“I got shot…because I was…a cold, difficult, brave woman. …I was assassinated…because I was LOVED. BY MEN!” says Gladys. “I was just too…damn…sexy.”
“Gladys…why do you like your best friend, Ken…so damn much!?” says a gay man.
“LOOK AT HIM!!!” says Gladys. “He’s HOTT!!”
“He is!” says a gay man.
“IS THAT ALL YOU’RE GOING TO SAY!??” says Lacey, panicking.
“I mean…it’s kinda weird.” says Marsie.
“Ken is straight.” says America.
Beyond the Sea plays.
Bobby Darin dances with Ken. And Ken accidentally flirts. Just as he’s twirled around. He opens his mouth wide and pretty like a gay man, just like Lem Billings used to imitate.
“Yeah…I shot Bobby Darin.
I was drunk on whiskey one night and that little sucker drove right into my car and I said, ‘Bobby why the fuck did you drive into my fucking car?’ He said, ‘You little Kike. I’ll shoot your whole fucking family!’ And so I said to him, ‘I’ll do you one better! I’ll shoot you right now!’” says Gladys.
“So you ahh… You shot Bobby Darin for dancing with Ken?” asks an American, doubting the story.
“I never said that. …I sure as hell did say that, but I didn’t say that under oath, is this a story, See…I’m a good storyteller.” says Gladys.
“Gladys where are you bisexual?” asks a woman.
Love Is Blue plays.
“No I was straight! I was extremely straight woman! I slept with tons of men…and that was how I won Miss America every year consecutively for 12 damn years in a row.” says Gladys.
“ oh, I’m just curious about some of your female friends. This is interesting that you didn’t have gay friends but you had female friends a lot of female friends. Yes yes Fred would agree with this blog post apparently so you had female friends who you spent a lot of time with Gladys?” asks a Democrat.
“ yes there was Shirley, Betty, and and Sue and Mary and Agatha and Elizabeth. Elizabeth hated me and I had to get rid of her. She fell off a cliff but we don’t talk about that.
No, I was not friends with Queen Elizabeth refused to acknowledge that bitch that cunt that stupid, fucking Cunt running that country.
No exit and I used to take long excursion. Sometimes we go hiking together we go camping we go shooting for deer and often times Agatha and I would end up at him, making out and sleeping together and having lesbian sex. Whatever that even is who knows what lesbian sex even is right but often times we have lesbian sex when we were hiking Just to stay warm I mean what are you gonna do? It was just about staying warm.” says Gladys.
“ oh, that’s perfectly normal and straight. Let’s not focus on that or we’ll get distracted from the bigger story about Ken.” says America in 1994.
“ gladys, you just told us that you have lesbian sex unless you literally just told us that you had lesbian sex!” says Kevin Spacey.
“ yes I did but that’s not the same thing as being a homosexual music heaven, I did that to stay warm, lots of hikers, who are rich and glamorous, like myself can make mistakes like that as ladies, a lady can make a mistake like that when she’s tired and hungry and confused, lots of hikers, get very confused they go hiking and they start running out of nourishment so I made that mistake simply because I was running low on brain energy.” says Gladys.
“ Gladys king I am actually curious to know more about this, so you’re claiming that you made out with your friend Agatha while you were hiking the two of you alone together where were you when this happened?” asks David Pitts.
“ oh, no, we hope that we hike the Appalachian Trail we hiked several trails in the Cascades one year we hiked the Rockies. We used to hike a lot together very frequently we’d spend whole week sometimes hiking together.” says Gladys.
“ did did your husband Lair snow about that about those hikes?” says NBC.
“ no he didn’t he will he did somewhat can you do something but we kept Larson in the dark for the most part yeah yeah yes no for the most part we kept Larsson the dark he knew you know I don’t even know. I think he might have no one I’m not sure what Lars new sometimes I think Lars went on lots of excursions himself, and just didn’t care, I really don’t entirely know what he knew about how busy I was all the time but he definitely knew that I was busy and I think he knew that I was probably spending a great deal of my time with Agatha but one time Agatha kissed him at a party when she was real drunk and I slapped her and I said how dare you that’s my bad and I I don’t know maybe they were just such good friends that Lawrie is kind of understood that that you have to spend time with Agatha because Agatha is is a Barrow full of laughs and good times just waiting to happen.” says Gladys.
“ where was Ken during all of this?” asks Russia.
“ he frequently knit scarves. He had lots of hobbies he knit scarves. He play the piano he sing sometimes he would sing whole love songs in a high, operatic voice, but that was not something that I really liked and we didn’t encourage it, but auto Kasian he would sing love ballads by himself for a while he lived in New York City and he spent a lot of time getting Asian food you know all the fixings you know that shoots a chop Suey and you know I don’t know what he was doing down there, but he just liked being there he said, but I kept an ion him. I didn’t want him getting away. We were such good friends and I kept a real ion him but he he love to go get the chop Suey in New York and sometimes he would go to the Broadway musicals but you know I never had the sunset he was involved with anyone he just was my friend he didn’t have any other friends and he never got married and he didn’t really do anything he was just my friend that’s all he ever did he didn’t work. He barely ate and slept he he didn’t have a girlfriend he didn’t have a boyfriend he ain’t had no one no friends nothing he was just obsessed with me, he was just completely obsessed with me all the time just his whole world revolves around me every day he did come in to my room and he say Gladys you are the most sexy amazing woman to ever live and we’re gonna kick ass today.” says Gladys.
“ did he ever save your life Gladys?” asks the CIA.
“ yes, he did nets yes, he didn’t have a scarf for me once and I used it. I was visiting a friend and he didn’t think I should go visit her. He was a little jealous. He didn’t think I should go visit her. I think he was incredibly in love with me and jealous, but he said you shouldn’t go walking out there in that snow storm got us you’re going to get sick because it’s winter and you’re going out wearing barely anything so sometimes I used to like we went we we went on lots of excursions together and sometimes I used to go from one cabin to the other wearing nothing but a victim but you know you don’t like what you have now from Victoria’s Secret sort of a lingerie routine I put one of those puppies on at night walk through the snow just to go hang out with friends and my location location I would get a little cold you know a little little hypothermia setting on but on this particular occasion, he was damn sure I was gonna get sick. I’d heard the Clyde had a cold and he said if you go around out there wearing that you’re going to get real sick you’re stressed out you’re tired it’s freezing and you have a cold and he was right. I would’ve gotten bacterial pneumonia and considering that I had no intention of going back home and telling my parents but what I was doing he was the only way I had to live because if I had told my parents what I was doing they would’ve I would’ve been deep deep trouble long as I didn’t tell them what was going on. They didn’t care but I I would’ve had to tell them that I was walking around in my underwear in the snow, so I was walking around in my underwear in the snow and he told me you better go back inside so I did and I didn’t get sick. How do I know I would’ve gotten bacterial pneumonia cause I got a real bad one other time and I know that that was very likely to have killed me that time too.” says Gladys.
“ so you don’t even know for sure if you saved your life that’s just what you think happened?” says a reader.
“ yeah I’m pretty sure he did. It’s just my hypothesis has been backed up by medical science.” she says.
“ let us tell us more about you and Agatha?” says a woman.
“ I met her when I was competing for Miss America. Her family made her do it her real interests were cars and collecting cars. She yeah she was an expert car collector she knew so damn much about cars. So that was her real passion, but we spent some time together, hiking as well and auto Kasian we would make out it’s true kind of like thinking about that. She was a real sweet, real sweet pal she wrote a book about our hikes. 
She called the book, HOTT HIKING! Arms frequently, she frequently refers to that book at dinner parties, when I am present and says, you always kept us warm.” says Gladys.
“ what do you think her husband thinks of that whole thing?” says NBC.
“ I think you I think he understands that Gladys is a real hiker and that there’s nothing is good as good as a hike.” says Gladys.
“ do you care that she’s obviously homosexual and closeted and violent and that poor Ken is being held hostage and that he’s clearly homosexual and may have some sort of psychotic disorder that was given to him by the horrific abuse of the Parnell family or not?” says Lacey.
“ no not really we really just don’t give a shit we don’t care about the American dream we don’t care about America we don’t care about your founding fathers. We don’t care about any of this!” says the real America. Not the “alternate universe” one in this blog post.
“ what do you care about?” asks God of the real, current America.
“ will get back to you on that one!” says the real America.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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