“Sexy Sex”

“Sexy Fuck” by Dr. Dre as written for private Illuminati meetings to celebrate Bobby Kennedy Junior’s candidacy for US President plays.

Bobby fondly recalls lighting a dildo on fire putting it in his butthole and then running away from Cheryl, over a year ago! …Yes. He really did that. …In front of hundreds of donors.

Bon Voyage by Wallerstedt plays.

“I went through so much physical pain!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior. “And just to be made a fool of by Usha Vance.”

1:60

He weeps.

Usha wore a lace teddy from Victoria’s Secret. In blue. And danced.

2:56

He stops crying. “I just have to keep telling myself…that daddy was there.” says Bobby.

“Yeah.” says Cheryl.

“HE LOVES ME!!!” says Bobby dry weeping.

“Yup.” says Cheryl.

“DADDY STILL LOVES ME!!!” shrieks Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“YOU LOST!!” yells Charlie Kirk telepathically at Bobby Kennedy Junior.

Bobby shoots at him telepathically.

The song starts over.

“LOSER!” yells a Republican woman at Bobby.

“I’m NOT A LOSER!!!” yells Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“YOU LOST!!” yells another Republican at Bobby.

“I did not LOSE!!!” bellows Bobby.

“Bobby! Calm down!!” urges Cheryl.

“You only did what you did because you wanted to seem like you won! …You knew Trump was more likely to win. And you wanted to stay relevant! …You thought, ‘I’m either going to destroy him…or protect myself from ridicule!’” yells Charlie Kirk.

“I…was…a CHAMPION!!!” yells Bobby.

“Loser.” says a Republican.

He gets angry and walks off.

This song plays as it’s an homage to Bobby’s ass.

The woman has an average butt. But she’s a huge slut. And that’s the idea. Bobby lies. He knew Lem was very possibly straight.

So the idea is to use his average ass to create magic. Because…he’s “with the band.”

I’m With The Band

There’s a party at the neon graveyard
A Dixie cup full of sin
My chaperone is playing the trick card
And all my good intentions were bad (Hey)

[Pre-Chorus: Dan Auerbach]
I’m walking through a ring of fire
With a credit card glued to my hand
And my cellphone is slowly melting
Don’t you know I’m still a friend of the band?

I’m with the band
I’m with the band
I’m with the band

[Verse 2: Beck]
I got a heart full of napalm
And a black bouquet
I’m taking calls from your mom
Asking if I’m okay (Hey)

[Pre-Chorus: Dan Auerbach]
I’m walking through a ring of fire
With a credit card glued to my hand
And my cellphone is slowly melting
Well, don’t you know I’m still a friend of the band?

[Chorus: Dan Auerbach & Beck]
I’m with the band
I’m with the band
I’m with the band
I’m still a friend of the band

[Instrumental Break]

[Chorus: Dan Auerbach, Beck]
Hey
I’m with the band
I’m with the band
I’m with the band

Those lyrics were all inspired by Bobby’s annoying obsession with Lem Billings. Very few people know about it. But the few people who do get creeped out by him…or they tend to be sympathetic. People have been so programmed to feel sorry for homosexuals that they feel incredibly sorry for Bobby. He’s a tragically closeted gay.

“Why are you…so quiet about this?” asked a Queer Eye For The Straight Guy man.

Bobby hesitated. “Because I’m not really gay.” he said very quietly.

“Then what are you?” asked the fashion expert.

“I’m…choosing to have sex with Lem. In my heart. Because my dad died.” says Bobby.

“What’s the connection?” he said.

“My dad forced Lem to give him oral sex at gun point. Once. In the Oval Office. Caroline Kennedy, my cousin, found Secret Service records! My cousin JFK Jr. found them before he was killed. …LOTS of shit!! …Okay!? I’m talking about BIG DEAL INFORMATION!

Ah…

*He shrugged*

Anyway…apparently my dad forced Lem to given him oral sex. Threatening the life of him and his whole family. In the Oval Office.

And…he did it. HE SERVICED…MY DAD!” said Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“He was gay Bobby!” said the fashion expert. “WE ALL KNOW LEM WAS GAY!!!”

Bobby looked confused.

“He didn’t force him to. I’d HAPPILY fuck any of the men in your damn family!” said the fashion expert.

“That’s not what the official records show.” says Bobby.

“THEY WERE HOMOPHOBIC! It’s so common! No! Your dad was a player! Just like you.” said the fashion expert.

“Well…so…see the thing is…I was…damaged.” said Bobby, shuffling his feet. Looking mysterious and tragic. His hands in his pockets.

“Okay???” said the fashion expert.

“I think…my sexual obsession with Lem Billings is because I’m just trying to make my dad come back. …My head is twisted!” says Bobby.

“No. Bobby…that’s not how homosexuality works. …NO!” said the fashion expert.

“Whatever.” said Bobby in a totally ambiguous way.

They went back and forth for a while. Anyway…this song came from that. He was trying to help Bobby come out of the closet. Using the image of an average American woman in the 1960’s or so. Showing off her butt. Awkwardly. …So Bobby thought it was good sex magic to shove a dildo up his asshole and literally light it on fire. It was an homage to some Asian religious practice. An attempt to seduce both Lem Billings and Jesus.

“WHAT!??!” says Harry Young.

“Yup!” says Tan France.

“Why!?” says Harry.

“Why what??” says Tan,

“He didn’t sleep with him! Oh my god, no!” says another gay man.

“No. I just wanted to be kind.” says Tan, shrugging. “He is a black hole. Mary called him a black hole. Mary his wife who hung herself??? Surely you’ve heard of her? No?? Okay…well…she hung herself, Harry. …And Bobby…

Nevermind!” he says laughing.

“This was supposed to be my secret victory song.” says Bobby.

“I often shove dildos up my butt. …Okay!? It’s a thing.” says Bobby, defensively,

“The song was in production for over five years. Okay!? …We had to force The Black Keys to go along with us. …Well…not me…but our connections. …They found it too gross. …But then a psychic working with Bobby…explained to them that it was good sex magic. …And they used Bobby’s supposed concern for the environment…to strong-arm the Black Keys. …They were super nice about it.” explains Tan France.

The song plays and finishes for the third time. The Illuminati is trying to calm down Bobby.

The play it one more time. Hoping it will chill him out.

“All your good intentions are BAD!” says Cheryl trying to seem sexy for Bobby. Like old times. She laughs and stands-up dancing. Grinning. She does an imitation of a 1960’s go-go dancer.

The song ends. Cheryl claps.

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!” Bobby yells violently at Donald Trump. “IF YOU GET SHOT AT…JIST ASSUME I HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!!!”

“Is that a way of trying to get my parents back together and on a date?” says Ivanka, hopefully.

“NO!!!” yells Bobby. “I WANT HIM DEAD!!!”

“We just elected him Bobby.” says an American man.

“SO WHAT!??” yells Bobby.

“Bobby…he’s our President.” says a man in America.

“NOT REALLY!” yells Bobby.

“How!?” asks Kamala.

Bobby folds his arms across his chest. Smirks. “YOU DAMN WELL KNOW WHY YOU NIGGER!” yells Bobby.

“Oh! My marriage to Jarrod?” says Ivanka.

“NO!

Donald Trump…IS AFRICAN!” yells Bobby.

“Like African American?” says Kamala in her Valley Girl manner.

“NO! AFRICAN!!!” yells Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“How?” asks Meghan Markle. “How, my love?”

“REINCARNATION!!!” yells Bobby.

Awkward silence.

“I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING!!! I HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE. I have HEARD the songs. He’s selling us out. To the Ancient Africans.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“It’s IN THIS FILM!” says Bobby. “ALL OF IT!!”

“I AM THAT WOMAN!!! SHE IS ME!!!” yells Bobby.

“You’re like Emily…but richer and prettier?” says a gay man.

“YES!!! OBVIOUSLY!!!” yells Bobby.

“Okay?” says the gay man. “Go on!”

“OH MY GOD!! It is SO OBVIOUS!!!

But…if you really need me to explain:

DIGGORY VENN!“ says Bobby.

“What?” says JD Vance.

“He’s BLACK.” says Bobby, nodding.

“Reincarnated?” says Catherine.

“YES!!!!” screams Bobby.

“Huh.” says China.

“So you’re saying…the entire film has to be seen from that perspective?” says Catherine.

“YES!!!! OF COURSE.” says Bobby, exasperated.

“Was Call Me By Your Name inspired by this film?” asks a man.

“AHH…WHAT DO YOU THINK!? YES!!! …I love this film.

You guys…Egdon Heath…is US. It’s ALL OF HUMANITY.

…I’ll never forget when I watched it with Mary.” says Bobby, fondly.

Awkward silence.

“She was…so…quiet. …I think she was scared. Scared she was going to die of heat exhaustion.

Clym…IS EVIL. CLYM IS…UGLY.” says Bobby.

“So what’s the message?” says Jeremiah.

“SEX…IS…IN…THE EARTH!” says Bobby.

“Oh. Okay.” says another famous gay man.

“And the Africans know that. BUT THEY LIE!!!” says Bobby.

Awkward silence.

“THOMAS HARDY was not the author. …I WAS.” finally reveals Bobby.

“You went back in time and wrote this?” asks a Native American woman.

“YES!!!” says Bobby.

“Have you read the book?” asks Cheryl of Bobby.

“NO! …Mary told me not to.

And we were soulmates. So…I guess I just…never have.” says Bobby, cuttingly.

“Yeah. You were soulmates.” says Cheryl.

“WE WERE!!!

So…I’ll just never read it! It’s verboten!” says Bobby channeling Lacey, against her will.

“So this is her interpretation!?” says Dr. David Miller.

“NO!” says Bobby, irritated.

David looks annoyed. “No!! She had terrible hermeneutics. …RIGHT. …But you were just channeling her?” he says.

“YES!!” says Bobby.

“He has been channeling her his whole life. To sound cute. Stuff like that. Not this.” says Cheryl.

“She’s mocking ISRAEL!!!” yells Dr. David Miller.

“No!! She’s mocking stupidity.” says a gay man.

“NO!” says David Miller.

“What are you talking about?” says Bobby.

“You know!!!” yells David Miller.

“No. I don’t.” says Bobby.

David Miller laughs and shakes his head no. “YOU JOKE TOO MUCH! …People are going to start thinking you’re serious, Bobby.” he says.

“ABOUT WHAT!?” yells Bobby.

“OH COME ON!!” says David Miller.

“DAVID?” says Bobby.

“YOU ARE NOT STUPID!!!” yells Dr. David Miller at Bobby Kennedy Junior, almost sounding anguished.

“I know.

Come on! You’ve seen it!?” says Bobby.

“Seen WHAT!? Return of the Native?” says David Miller, laughing, arrogantly.

“YEAH!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“No. But I’m capable of doing my research. Bobby…this is nonsense!” says David Miller. “You’re being had.”

“NO!

I love this film.” says Bobby.

“Is Lacey better looking than Catherine Zeta Jones?” asks a reader.

“YES!” says Dr. David Miller her Messiah College Bible Professor. He scoffs. “Bobby…you’ve never seen the film! I can tell!!!”

“NO!! I’ve watched it. Dozens of times.” says Bobby.

“No!!

You sound like a student who’s never watched the film!!!” yells Dr. David Miller.

“No!! I’ve watched it. …Good GOD!!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“But that’s not the plot.” says Dr. David Miller.

Bobby puts the film on.

“You are no blessing, my husband!” Bobby yells at Dr. David Miller, laughing. “Seriously! WATCH THE FRICKEN MOVIE!” he says playfully to Dr. Miller.

“WHAT!?” says Dr. Miller, laughing.

“YOU ARE SUCH A THOMASIN!” Bobby says to David Miller.

Moon River by Henry Mancini plays.

“Ahh…he’s watched the film. I think you just have an ego problem.” China says to Dr. David Miller.

“No! He’s never watched it!” says Dr. David Miller.

“How can you tell?” asks China.

“He’s missing the point! He’s missing the details. He’s missing- Well! *Dr. David Miller rolls his eyes* He’s missing essential plot points. …His version of the story is vastly different than what was created.” says Dr. David Miller, scoffing.

“No!! I understand what you refuse to understand! …YOU MORON!!!” yells Bobby Kennedy Junior at Dr. David Miller.

“Which is WHAT!?” says Dr. David Miller.

“THOMASIN…is EVIL. Catherine Zeta-Jones is simply à misunderstood woman. …Thomas Hardy is a fool.

*Blue Moon as performed by Swingfield Big Band plays.*

Eustacia is a goddess. …Mkay!? You’ve never slept with Catherine. I did! Once.

She is…a goddess!

She is…MOI!

And…I went back in time. …Wrote the novel. But made sure to make references to African people at the beginning…to keep myself clear.

The lights? AFRICA! ….HELLO!? Kwanzaa.

…HA!!!” says Bobby. “Dude! You don’t know me. Sorry!”

The song ends.

“Bobby! You did not go back in time.” says Dr. David Miller.

“No! I DID!” says Bobby.

Try To Remember by Perry Como plays.

“He did.” says Cheryl.

“No he didn’t.” says Dr. David Miller.

“NO! YOU KIKE!! I DID!!” yells Bobby.

1:33

“Ha! You’ve never read the book.” says Dr. David Miller.

“NO!! I explained. …My GOD!!!” yells Bobby.

The two men get into a horrific fight.

The song ends.

More as sung by Frank Sinatra & Count Basie plays.

Last night Lem Billings was sent to Hell by a jealous Frank Sinatra. Over Lacey’s breasts.

And Lacey was woken up twice by psychics in America who pathetically have taken to harassing the British people. Why? Because they’re mad. They’re all psychotically angry.

“I UNDERSTAND!!” yells Bobby. “Let’s just kill DONALD TRUMP!??”

Lem was prevented from having sex with Lacey. Repeatedly and Peggy Flanagan insisted Lacey was a lesbian. So Lacey was raped by Becca Fuester’s father and a herd of Boomer lesbians. In her sleep.

Lacey woke-up confused. Went back to sleep and had a dream that she shot all of the Boomer women in the head. Brutally massacring them into limp pools of blood.

Smile as performed by Nat King Cole plays.

“I don’t understand why she goes along with it.” says Peggy Flanagan.

“TO KILL THEM.” says Donald Trump.

“But her body responds!” says Peggy Flanagan.

“Yes!! But that’s her acting ability. She was molested. So she figured out how to fool people that way. She’s never fooled me. She can’t. But…you’re obviously a hick.” says Lem Billings to Peggy Flanagan.

“So…she’s psychologically capable of being sexual. And yet disturbingly being totally absent from her body. In reality.” says a man.

“YUP!

…She’s tried to explain this hundreds of times. And actors can back-up her words. But…you refuse to believe it. Because you’ve attached too much meaning to her not existing.” says Lem.

“So she shot me too?” says John Fuester, Becca’s father.

“No! You just disappeared? In a minivan.” says a porn star.

A Summer Song by The Lettermen plays.

There’s a great chance dozens of lesbian Boomer women will develop deadly breast cancer because of that dream.

“WHAT!? She’s a lesbian!” says the DNC.

“Has she threatened to shoot them before?” asks an Englishwoman.

“NO! She said she was scared she’d have done that. In the wrong circumstances. …So…we just assumed she was a lesbian. …Because…well…she’s a big stupid idiot.” says the DNC, sincerely on truth serum.

“So she tried to tell you that she was going to get violent!?” yells the CIA.

“No! …She tried to tell us…she was ‘uncomfortable’ and we KNEW that was just her being sexually repressed. Because Katy Perry insists she’s a sex expert and so does Harry Styles. And they claim we all have multi gender energy. And that we’re all bisexual!” yells a herd of Hollywood stars.

“No exceptions?” says God.

“DUH!!!” say the Hollywood stars.

“That’s RUBBISH!” says God.

Strangers In The Night as performed by Bert Kaempfert & His Orchestra plays.

“So…she’s not a secret lesbian? Who’s just too poor and beneath us to understand?” says the DNC, laughing. “We won! We won big! …But…we lost the US Presidential election because there were so many Americans who are WORTHLESS!! I HATE THEM!!!! I HATE THEM! LET’S KILL THEM!!!!”

“So…you were told no by Lacey and that she was straight and purely feminine? But you didn’t believe that because you believe you know better?” says Donald Trump.

“YES!!! WE DO!!! …Look she’s an ugly, masc butch bitch. And I for one refuse to accept her version of reality. She’s LESBIAN!!!!” screams the DNC on truth serum. “ERIN IS STRAIGHT!!! NOT LACEY! HOUSEWIVES WERE ALL LESBIANS, PEDOPHILES, KIKES, NIGGERS, HOES, OR FRAUDS!!!”

“NIGGERS?” says a Black woman.

“YES!! YOU KNOW YOU NIGGER! YOU KNOW!!” yells the DNC.

“See…I told Jack Kennedy to watch over Lacey and Lem last night. Because I assumed they were lying about him.” says the psychopathic billionaire, mystified. “I KNOW they were just lying. There are no bad people who are dead. …Everyone who dies is made perfect. Instantly. There are no bad dead people. …Well…I mean…if there are even dead people.”

“Ahh…but Lacey’s not attracted to women!” says a reader.

“NOT TRUE!! She’s GOT to be a dyke, a pedophile, or a peasant, or an idiot, or a liar!!! BECAUSE WE SURE AS HELL ARE NOT INFERIOR!!!!!” yells the DNC on truth serum.

“Yup! Those were women who were real. In her dream. And they knew not to partake. But they did anyway. They used Lem’s sexual desire for her as she was forced to sleep…to arouse them via Satan.” says God.

“How!?” yells Dr. David Miller.

“They viciously stole it from him. As he’s with her. For eternity. By choice.” says God.

“B. J. Thomas? Were you gay?” asks Tamara.

“No. I was bisexual. …But I fell in love with my wife. …And I still am in love with Gloria.” says Billy Joel Thomas.

He advises Lacey to get drunk. Regularly. To die. With the caveat that she should do it in Christ.

“So…she’s not attracted to women?” says God.

“No! She is!” says Peggy Flanagan.

“No! She’s attracted to women?” says God.

“WHAT!?” says Peggy Flanagan.

“Yeah. You keep incessantly trying to convince me and everyone else that she’s a lesbian. CONSTANTLY. …So I just wanted to hear from you, directly.” says God.

“NO!” says Peggy Flanagan. “SHE IS GAY.”

“Except she isn’t at all.” says God.

“THEN WHAT DO I KEEP SENSING!??” yells Peggy Flanagan.

“HER SWEETNESS.” yells God.

“No. She’s not sweet. She was a huge butch bitch from like…HELL…and still is.” says Peggy Flanagan.

“No. She’s sweet.

She’s also being brutally raped in her sleep now regularly by women. Thanks to the Illuminati. And those are real women.” says God.

Downtown by Petula Clark plays.

Lacey smashes in Petula Clark’s dumb face with a huge metal rod. Then she smashes in her body forcing her insides out of her mouth and asshole. And Jesus cheers her on. As does Queen Elizabeth I. If Petula Clark has come on to Lacey inappropriately.

“If I’ve told her no and she refuses to hear it.” explains Lacey.

“This is such an innocent song!” says a dead woman. “Or it was supposed to be.”

“That’s up to Petula.” says God.

In The Mood as performed by Airmen Of Note plays.

And at that Lacey violently mutilates the genitalia of her female sex offenders in her sleep. They scream in excruciating pain. And at that Lacey gags them on giant penises made of demons who put them through extraordinary anguish. Then she revives them and smashes their brains into a brick wall like she’s beating a dirty rug.

And all of humanity cheers her on. Aww! …But of course…this only happens..if it’s what’s best in God’s will.

A String of Pearls as performed by Glenn Miller plays.

Lacey washes her hands off. Sits down. Wearing pearls, red lipstick and curls. Sweet. Tender. Beautiful as always.

With Lem.

“My gosh! What a boring business.

Why did God create those worthless pieces of mud?” says Lacey.

“Darling! You’re flattering them. …They aren’t mud. They’re…Hell’s sweet diarrhea. Possibly for eternity. If they don’t repent.” says Lem.

“Shoot. …I had hoped better for them.

Why do these lesbians in the Illuminati with weird hair and odd mannerisms…keep insisting I’m more masculine and gay than them!?” says Lacey.

Chances Are as performed by Johnny Mathis plays.

“Because so many people have lied. Like Johnny Mathis. He was SO obviously gay. But…people were offended that he was ‘accustomed’ to homosexuality. …He wasn’t accustomed. He was. …So when you try to tell people something nuanced about orientation they don’t listen to what you’re saying. They listen to what they want to hear. Unless they’re like you and I. …But no! That’s an excuse.

I’ll tell you what! It’s pure jealousy.

Emma tried. But she’s ugly as shit compared to you. And so is Peggy.

See…they cling to ideas they have based on their past guiding moments. Someone told them they were wrong about Johnny Mathis and it hurt. It hurt their egos. And they also felt convicted. …So…they blindly use that as a template for EVERYTHING now. And you upset them. So…you will NEVER be heard by them…until God intervenes.

They CANNOT think it through. Because it’s too psychologically difficult for them. …They’d have to deal with so many painful things. And they are too weak, greedy, immature, poorly educated, poor, ugly, and evil to do it. …It’s OBVIOUS you’re just defending yourself and that you’re being brutally sexually assaulted by women. But those women dumb or evil enough to not understand all that…and they’re dumb enough to think that they’re GODLY for doing it.” explains Lem.

Meet Virginia by Train plays.

“I KNOW Lacey is still in love with me.” says Joe Kennedy Junior. “And that’s part of why they keep thinking she’s homosexual and looking for sex with John Fuester and her mother who raised her.”

“Yup!” says Peggy Flanagan, smiling. “WE HAVE TO BE HONEST! HE’S HER MAN!”

“No. He’s not.” says God.

The song ends.

“Joe. What happened!?” screams a reader.

“Ahh…Lacey…is Kirk LeMoyne Billings’s twin flame. God doesn’t call them twin flames. But there’s no word for it in Christianity. So I’m using the word twin flame.

That evil ghost is my younger brother, Jack Kennedy. He’s actually having his picture taken right now. As I write this. Because he’s been avoiding God, using Satan. And right now he’s stuck as an evil little boy.

Ahh…so…basically he’s been tormenting Lacey her whole life. Jack. He’s been torturing Lacey her whole life.

…And…the reason why is because he’s mad at Lem for being straight. …We knew Lem was straight. But we were mad that he was better than us. …Okay? Not pretending to be Old Money but actually Old Money. …People had a better sense of those things back then. …And so we lied. We lied a lot. To ourselves and to others.

Fast forward to her life. Ahh…I agreed to fall in love with her. To confuse her. And cover for Jack. And he’s still playing dumb and pretending he’s not the brains behind the operation, so to speak. He’s just…obsessed with them. Both. People do have the story backwards, in the popular narrative. But it requires understanding homosexuality honestly…and most people alive today, in 2024, are actually still too ignorant and backwards to understand. Jack looks homosexual, somewhat. Lem does not. And that’s something else Jack is livid about.

So…I’ve been covering for him. Okay? And…it got weird. Because she’s actually Tom Banks’s daughter. …And we…just didn’t analyze that. So…she’d NEVER have begged to marry me. …Mary begged Bobby. Emily Black begged Bobby. Pat Wilson begged me. Ethel begged Bobby Senior. …It’s a thing. Jackie BEGGED Jack. …We LIVE for that. …Lem did not beg. Ever. Jack did beg Lem for gay sex and then he violently threatened Lem. Repeatedly. The popular narrative is upside down. …Because Jack seemed straight after our spin machine insisted on it. Worked at it. And…you all are too ignorant to understand that Lem really faked being gay. So it seems too convoluted to think Jack was gay and Lem was straight, even though that’s actually reality.

In this case, gay men are almost pure evil.

Ahh…so I was pretending and going along with it until Pat Wilson died. …And then I started sleeping with her. And…Jack’s well crafted pure evil torture for Lacey fell completely apart. …God was trying to use F. Scott Fitzgerald to gradually walk us away from it. But…Chris was…a HUGE fault line.

And…it just happened. After Pat died…it was just…over. But…I fell in love with Lacey. And yet because we had a totally fucked-up narrative about her…I’m not able to get over her.

Kick is nuts. And in a way so am I. And we thought we were in love. …But we’re really just siblings and we are too jaded and evil and messed-up to comprehend brotherly and sisterly love. We mislabeled it as something sexual. Because we truly didn’t cognitively understand the concept of familial love. …And it got…weird. And our heads started to kill each other’s heads. And it really hurt. …But we didn’t know that would happen.

And we’re still confused. …Because Kick is super narcissistic. And I’m…narcissistic too.

So…turns out…I actually was attracted to her. And God acknowledged that. But…it didn’t matter. I guess? Because He didn’t design her for me. And we had to brainwash her into it. So…it was just temporary. Possible! Because she’s a woman, I’m a man, and I’m straight. But temporary.

But…she’d NEVER have begged for my marriage. And I didn’t know that. I didn’t understand her actual psychology. Just the way she responded to our bullshit. …So I had assumed an enormous amount of control over her. And…I didn’t have ANY. …Not really. And my whole family was counting on it. Because we support each other…and Jack was determined to get REVENGE.

So…now I’m hurting. Because I actually fell in love. And it’s completely over. But I truly DO NOT UNDERSTAND. …I thought I would. Because I spent HOURS observing her and obsessively analyzing her. For years! …Just to be kind to Jack. And to be evil. I guess. Both.

But…I have no idea what’s going on.” says Joe. “I guess she’s completely over me??? MAN!”

“No. She’s genuinely over you.” says Chris Hayes.

“BUT IT WAS SO REAL!! AND SO INTENSE!” yells Joe Kennedy.

“YUP. …Oh well. …You’re done forever. For real. She doesn’t know this…I got curious in the afterlife…and looked into it…and yup. You literally have NO chance. …AT ALL. …AT ALL. …Her doubts are a trick of Satan. …And I’m pulling the plug.

…SHE IS SO…CAREFUL. …And it’s in Christ. It’s rooted in morality and goodness and it’s safe. But…it’s not…your entry point. At all. That’s a trick of Satan. …You genuinely have no chance. *Chris laughs* Neither do I. Lots of men don’t. *He shrugs* …How are you so SLOW!?!” says Chris Hayes to Joe Kennedy

Later.

“I am the evil force in the house. Lacey looked like the mom. But prettier. …A lot. And better bred.

Ahh…the pig is Jody. Jody Henderson. …Lacey insists Jody didn’t molest her. But I had hoped she did.

Jody was plus size. Not fat.

Ahh…their house is about where Lacey and Lem were supposed to have lived.

…So. I inspired the evil.” says JFK.

“Why are you so attached to 1975?!?” yells George Soros.

“I slept with a train conductor. Who worked for Amtrak. In Saint Paul, Minnesota. In 1975. He gave me his pants. …And…he hurt me. Because he used me.” says JFK.

“So…why did you kill the six people?” says a ghost hunter.

“Because God removed the evil. From her. As she warred in the Holy Spirit when I conjured them to attack her in 2016. They threw all of Hell at her. Almost literally.

And she fended them off. …But I couldn’t stand that. So I tried to find a way to attack her…and it just became Amityville.

I inspired the murders. And Athalia Ponsell got killed too. …But…the murder was supposed to help her survive when God has tried to help her and her family die. …Demons and angry dead Americans, including lesbians mad that Donald Trump lost, helped us confuse Ronnie. Because I hate Ron Craft.

…Truth is…if any of the stuff that happens in the house happened to Lacey…she’d probably have fun. …We’ve had to try really hard to scare her.

The red room? Lacey’s perfume cabinet in the basement.

It’s a Dutch Colonial. Her house!? A CAPE COD! ….How rude!

Ahh…HELL is literally running out of evil to attack her with.” says Jack Kennedy.

“So…did Lem Billings kill you?” asks Queen Elizabeth I.

“Oh! And the green slime is meconium.

Ahh…I am not John Ketchum. I’m John Kennedy trying to catch them. Catch Lem. Ah….I refuse to accept it. He may have.” says JFK.

“He’s guilty. …He isn’t directly responsible. But he is responsible.” says the train conductor who slept with JFK.

“Why do you all so VIOLENTLY insist Lem was gay!?!” yells Al Franken.

“Because she’s LYING!!!” says a Millennial woman, laughing.

“NO!!!! You don’t know that!!!” shrieks Al Franken.

“Gosh it must be fun fucking her!” she says, attacking Lacey out of the blue.

“NO!! SHE IS NOT LYING!!!” yells Al Franken.

She ignores him.

“NO!!!! SHE’S NOT LYING!!!!” shrieks Al Franken.

She looks terrified.

“SHE’S NOT LYING!!!” screams AL Franken.

“Why does she have to be prettier than me!?” she asks like Lacey is attacking her with her beauty.

“DEAR GOD!!!! USE YOUR BRAIN!!!!” yells Al Franken.

“She’s possessed by Jack.” says a dead Native American woman who’s buried on the land. “No! Not Lacey. …The woman you’re talking to.”

“Thank you.” says Al Franken.

“Nobody should be living in that house. …But it’s happened. …It’s a portal to Hell.” says Lem.

“It’s NOT a hoax. The murders happened.” says one of the victims.

“So…you helped kill, Lem?” says Al Franken.

“Yes. I did.” says Lem.

“Why?” says David Pitts, shaking.

“I hated him.” says Lem. “I genuinely couldn’t stand him. He ruined my life. He was a psychotically self-obsessed man.”