“I want JFK to have Lem’s body.” all living non-straight men say.
“With Jack’s face!?!” says Warren Schneider.
“YES!!” says a gay man.
“And Jack’s sexual orientation?” says the CIA.
“YES.” says a gay man who is very logical.
“Wow!” says the CIA. “That’s HONEST.”
“Then you don’t really want Jack to be in Lem’s body you want Jack’s body to look more like Lem’s.” says God.
“LACEY IS NOT RIGHT!!!” yells the perfume community.
“No!!! SHE IS!!!!” bellows God.
“WHY?! DO YOU THINK MY WIFE IS SOCIOECONOMICALLY INFERIOR??” yells Lem.
“I’m her birth father.” says Tom.
“And we aren’t POOR!!” says Matt Nesheim.
“We’ve had people listening to your stories about your family and how much they are elite on both sides. But they’re all different people at different times so that no one knows the same information. So that means that we don’t have to deal with what you’re telling us.” says The Bobby24 Crew.
“How is that clever!? I can see why she’s so pissed off at you people!? How is that clever?” asks a reader.
“I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!!” yells Lacey.
“What is your idea?” asks a confused reader.
“You guys. I think you stole that from me.” says Casi.
“Maybe???” says the CIA.
“What the fuck do you think I’m doing?!?” says Casi.
“Casi we can tell that you’re a cool kid like us right? Aren’t you?” says the entire Illuminati.
“No I was bullied! You’re supposed to know that I’m ugly slightly. I’m poor. I’m kind of awkward and dumb. I’m not a cool kid. How the fuck do you idiots not know that?” says Casi in despair.
“That’s a really ghastly mistake to make. How the fuck did you all misunderstand that?” says a reader.
“My mind can’t comprehend it.” says Lacey.
“Because you were a cheap designer perfume because you’re a poor person and we didn’t understand that. We thought that made you classy because we’re new money.” says the Illuminati.
“Sometimes Old Money wears designer perfume, but it’s in a different way than how she wears it. She wears it like it’s ‘the latest thing’.” says Lacey.
“But that’s how old money does it!” says Casi.
“No that’s out of style, that’s out of touch, that became really shitty and trashy about 30 years ago!” yells Lacey.
“She’s right. And I didn’t know that.” says Prince Philip.
“I have a feeling we should’ve been working on Palestine and the environment for the last 20 to 30 years as our focus instead of attempting to save the US by selling children to Hell until they die.” says Benjamin Netanyahu.
“So you thought that was trashy?!” says Casi to Lacey.
“Casi it is trashy, that’s just objectively true!” says Lacey.
“So then how are you supposed to buy perfume?” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“How you do it is bourgeois, but not necessarily how I do it is definitely not trashy. Pretty much everyone was doing it Casi, except for people like you.” says Lacey.
“But you collect it in a bourgeois way!” says Casi.
“I don’t understand how what she does is bourgeois. It’s insane Casi but it’s not bourgeois!” says Alisha.
“How is it insane Alisha?” asks Casi.
“Because it’s so- Because I can’t. I’m not smart enough to understand it OK I don’t know what the fuck she was doing but it was incredibly intellectual.” says Alisha.
“There is a Perfume community in the Illuminati and she’s probably on the smartest people alive Alisha.” says Luca Turin.
“I don’t understand what she was doing.” says Dmitry.
“You know you’re a fraud?” says Luca Turin.
“But you’re you’re telling me that she knew those notes?” says Dmitry.
“You just use your fucking nose and you smell it, it’s pretty fucking simple!” yells Lacey in a Scottish accent.
“Lacey we’re not math people OK? We don’t do statistics in our head.” says Germany in the perfume community.
“It is that. It’s just about it’s about statistics basically yes that in a very complicated way.” says Lacey.
“Should tell you how she does it?” says Suzanne.
“Suzanne, we don’t want her to be smarter than us!!” yells an energy.
“Is it just the experimentation Lacey?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.
“Suzanne how do you think I do it?” says Lacey.
“And have you told them before?” asks Mr. Cologne 76’s wife.
“Would you guys like to know what she does or just be white people and never figure it out?” says a Black man reading it.
“I have a feeling she takes every note apart in her head, like a chemist, like an olfactory chemist.” says Suzanne.
“YES!!” says Lacey.
“So you really sat there for hours all day just smelling the same perfume, repeatedly analyzing it in your head?” says a perfume collector.
“Well that wasn’t the only thing I was doing but yes, I would sit there for at least five minutes just focusing on the perfume and analyzing the notes and letting my mind wander.
I thought that’s what everyone did.
So I would just spray it…and then just sit there and smell it over and over again for about five minutes…and just analyze it and sometimes longer maybe…and then I would write about it and yeah it varied. Sometimes I would change my analysis.
Basically I was smelling it on and off for hours like 12 to 24 hrs. for each perfume repeatedly over and over again.” says Lacey.
“You snelled the same part of your arm over and over for 24 hours?” yells Casi.
“There’s nothing dangerous about that, you fucking idiot…and yes.” says Lacey.
Casi thinks. Rolls her eyes.
“WHAT!?” says Lacey.
“That’s SAD!” says Casi.
“What’s sad!?? That Lem is dead or that I’m just smelling my arm!? It’s just interesting. OK!?” says Lacey.
“OK you thought everyone was doing that!?” says Casi.
“Well what the fuck do you people do?” says Lacey.
“I mean, you just smell it!” says Marsie.
“How the hell do you just smell it!?” says Lacey.
“Because it’s just on your arm!?” says Marsie.
“How are you smelling it? You can’t smell the notes perfectly from a distance, they fade, its air chemistry.” says Lacey.
Lem laughs. “I did invent Fizzies. I was part of the people who invented that.”
“What do you mean by air chemistry!?” says the perfume community.
“This is just fucking common sense. How the hell is this so mysterious to everybody!?” says Lacey. “There’s a chemistry of scent in everything.
It’s like poop. It’s like corn on the cob. It’s like everything that has a scent that mixes with other scents in other parts of the room. Mold! And scent in your house. It all sort of has a chemistry to it yeah and I mean obviously carbon omissions but the whole way the whole thing sort of works together in the air. That’s air chemistry. It’s really quite fascinating! So you can’t fully analyze the notes when they’re that distant from you.
I’ve observed that since I was a small child! That’s just obvious! When you get close to something it’s stronger in its sent. And when you’re far away from it it gets weaker. So if you’re really trying to get a sense of something you have to look at it up close…so I would put the perfume under my nose like a sort of olfactory microscope everyday for hours. I would stare at the notes in my head through my nose on my wrist.” says Lacey.
“That is exactly what you did, but I don’t understand how you picked it part in your head.” says Dmitry.
“I used Fragrantica!” says Lacey.
“How!?” says Suzanne.
“They’re not perfect in their analysis, but they do tend to be pretty decent in their note listings.
So basically you just sit there and then you read the notes that they list and then you look for each note until you find it.” says Lacey. “And then you try to figure out what that is and then you calculate that in your head in conjunction with all the perfume reviews and the notes that they say are in the perfume so some people say, ‘Oh I’m getting a lot of patchouly from this one!’ Or ‘Oh, I’m smelling a lot of oakmoss from this one!’ And then you think, ‘Oh they claim that there’s oakmoss in this perfume!’ ‘They claim that there’s patchouly.’ And you just start sort of tallying it all up. And then, you know, I would sit around daily and analyze it with a different perfume every day. And then you just start comparing and contrasting every perfume that you’ve analyzed with the other perfumes that you’ve analyzed. And then you do a statistical analysis, literally in your head based on all of the notes and all of the reviews and all of the time that you spent, all the comparing and contrasting, all of the collected information and you start to notice a pattern.
You start to notice which notes are which. You start to be able to identify the notes.” says Lacey.
“That’s too simplistic!” says a perfume collector.
“No. It’s not.” says a perfume creator.
“But the notes are all…meshed together.” he says.
“STOP BEING A BRAIN NAZI FROM HELL!!” yells Lacey.
“Do you have any idea what you’re actually talking about?” asks Lem.
“Do you?” he asks Lem.
“YES!!!!” yells Lem.
“Okay. But…why didn’t she know certain things?” he says.
“SHE’S ALREADY EXPLAINED!!!!” yells the CIA.
“I wasn’t expecting her to have a response so when I heard it…I rejected it…because I hate it.” he says.
“The idea was that…I was starting with basics.” says Lacey. “You know? Like rose. Carnation. Lily. The basics.”
“No!!!” he says.
“No what!?” says Lacey.
“You should start with chemicals!?” he says.
“No. Because that’s a waste of time. …I’m not that dumb.” says Lacey.
“You can tell a synthetic from a natural perfume.” says a man.
“YES!” says Lacey.
“But the chemicals make the notes.” he says.
“Yes and no.” says Lacey.
“You’re not that good.” he says.
“No. I am.” says Lacey.
“Then why didn’t you understand fougere?” he says.
“Because that’s high level perfumery.” says Lacey. “That’s very sophisticated! …Making a blend that complex takes years of practice. …A simple floral is much easier to make and comprehend.” She thinks. “When they first started making perfume they started with single notes. Mostly. …I’m fairly certain perfume art is still relevant. As in, it’s still beautifully evolving. Which is quite different than many other forms of art.” She thinks. “To be honest.”
“There’s nothing wrong with anything she’s saying!!” says Dmitry. “It’s very intelligent.”
He laughs at her, thinking Dmitry is making fun of her, whether he is or not.
“Why are you right?” says Lem.
“Because I’m 1. GAY!!” he says. “AND 2. I’m A MAN!! And 3. I’m SOOOOO much BETTER THAN HER. …I’m A GOD compared to her.”
“Based on what!??” scoffs God Himself.
“LOGIC!??” he says.
“LIKE WHAT!?” yells Guerlain.
“You can’t build a perfume without knowing each and every tiny part first. Like GOD!!” he says, in a sassy tone.
“How do you know all that!?” says God.
“I’m a BRILLIANT CHEMIST!!” he says.
“No. You’re not.” says God.
“But…you can’t deconstruct ANYTHING!!! That’s A WHITE TRASH MYTH!!! EXPERTS NEVER DO THAT!!” he YELLS.
“Are you retarded?” asks the CIA.
“You can actually do that!?” he says.
Keen to Cross the Pond 