“Coolattin House” by Lem

“Lacey! Do you think you lived here:

?” says Casi.

“NO!!” says Lacey.

“Yes you do!!” says Casi.

“No. I don’t.” says Lacey.

“Where even is this place?!” says Prince William with suspicion

“Ahh…in my head…it’s in the middle of Great Britain.” says Lacey.

He cracks-up laughing.

Casi is confused.

“WHY!?” she says.

The laughter dies down.

Lacey eats a summer sausage and cheese sandwich.

Casi rolls her eyes at it all, disgusted.

“What’s so disgusting.” says Lacey.

“You ARE A LIAR. Just like Lucretia said.” says Casi.

“How?” asks Lacey.

Moments later.

“I’m not-

So…

YOU SUCK SHIT!!” yells Casi, finally.

“How?” asks Lem.

“Because! I’m NOT KIDDING AROUND.” says Casi.

“No. They claim to have lived in this sort of place:

“ says Queen Camilla.

“ yes, no that’s where we lived.” says Lacey.

Tim Walz looses it.

“ i’m sorry my friends are weird.” he says.

“ do you know I like you I don’t understand why they can’t just let us like them.” says Lacey.

“ I don’t understand sex the way that you do but you know yeah I think it’s a solid it is why I don’t know what I’m talking about.” says Tim,

“ Tim I like you a lot I really do I like you a lot I don’t understand why you have to be so nasty to me you seem like such a nice person.” says Lacey.

“ Lacey do you understand what a slut is?” he says coming on to her, she cuts off his head.

He comes back.

“ I think I made some huge assumptions about you and your character that are very embarrassing.” says Tim.

“ I actually don’t know that I do understand the American definition of a slut I might not really get it.” says Lacey.

He might agree.

“ like the parameters of things the rules the idea like the whole game?” he says.

“ sort of yeah but you’re kind of getting it. I don’t really know what I I don’t. Yeah I don’t know what’s going on I just I have no idea what’s going on.” says Lacey.

“ i’m trying to exert authority over you.” he says.

“ as a governor or as a man or how?” says Lacey.

“ she’s right. as a man.” he says.

“ and I reject that authority I completely reject it until further notice.” says Lacey.

“ I agree with her I don’t think she asked except that.” says Donald Trump.

“ yeah I don’t quite get his pomposity as a man claiming that he’s ‘this man!’” says Lacey.

“ so the idea is that you’re supposed to be in love with me obviously.” says Tim Walz

“ are you Johnny English valentine? Do I make you horny? Do you make me a horny baby?” says Lacey, mocking him.

“ you make me horny you make me very horny!” he says.

“ you know you do make me horny very slightly, but so what?” says Lacey.

“ what OK so you are you reject my authority as a man?” he says.

“ yes and then you come on to me and I think I am maybe there’s some thing I don’t understand right now that doesn’t make sense and I get extremely confused temporarily but doesn’t last for more than a couple of seconds and then I’m just very offended. What is it that what is your problem with me? I’m very respectful to you. You’re like your neighbors it’s just your meeting I don’t want excuses. What the fuck is your problem?” says Lacey.

“ you’re because you’re attracted to me.” he says.

“ what the fuck is this shit show?” says Lacey.

“ i’d because you’re attracted to me!” he says,

“ you’re not making any sense necessarily I’m being really honest with you but what is your point?” says Lacey

“ you know something you’re right, so you that doesn’t mean anything to you?” he says.

“ big big because no because now because it’s just it’s that people get attracted it’s complicated like what what are you? What are we? What are you doing? Understand Moses why are you were raising your rod in the living room what is there some thing that supposed to move somewhere is there water that I don’t see I don’t I don’t understand.” says Lacey

He laughs like she’s flirting.

“ do you comprehend, J hello did you hear what I said!?” says Lacey.

He just stares at her.

“ please respond what I said what the fuck are you trying to tell me!?” says Lacey.

“ and I am attracted to you and I guess that’s it.” he says.

“ no fucking shit are you brain dead?” says Lacey.

“ Christmas to really pursued you!?” says Gov. Walz.

“ yeah, he did for hours every day for weeks for months how the fuck you to leave otherwise is beyond me if you even if you even did.” says Lacey.

“ call so you yeah so I guess I’m attracted to you and that’s probably not all than usual although wonder if it’s more than guys your age oh crap, you just wanna talk about my my my former neighbors they’re not bad people they’re not they’re not bad people that’s not what you were told but they’re not bad people in my book why can’t they just be nice to you yeah like this there’s a weird energy between us and I’m not convinced at all that is normal.” he says.

“ did Chris Hayes make this happen did did he do this or did some witch do this and just curse everybody or I actually wonder if this is partially what happened to George Floyd because I wonder if that police officer and him had some weird energy between them but yeah I don’t know if Chris and Aaron frankly did this or if it’s something else but if I could I can, I believe it’s possible that there’s some strange energy between us and the other snow come on I’m not so I don’t know it could be a slightly sexual but I’m not convinced of that I think there’s something there it feels very brown I’m seeing brown I don’t know what that means but it’s brown whatever it is it’s Leica it’s like a wave of brown.” says Lacey.

“ lamb is that a heroin reference?” says Walz.

“ I know it’s a spiritual energy of some sort that is brown.” says Lem.

“ what about race?” he says.

“ yes it is. It is about race.” says Lem. “ if there’s reincarnation there a lot of hurt people that she’s not darker that she’s so white. I think people weren’t expecting her to come out so white it’s like oh she’s white it’s like really white I didn’t think that they be so white OK which is yes means that in ancient Africa or ancient well yeah ancient Egypt that they were possibly quite white. Oh, believe it or not And then the problem Tim is that people are very racist against that because they can’t stand the fact that she’s so white and in great Britain Tim they didn’t they didn’t have a problem with it. They were fully comfortable with her white. Everyone was but here in America. If there’s reincarnation, they can’t handle whole way they were it’s possibly really hurtful to some people, for some reason to think that they were so white and the problem is that then you expect her to understand why that’s hurtful and she can’t just like she can’t understand why you being attracted to her means absolutely anything because it’s like well. I guess it’s whatever you make of it like why are you making that me that’s you you’re the one that’s attracted to me so maybe I’m attracted to you but that’s may be attracted to you that like what the fuck are you getting? So confused about.” says Lem.

“ she’s kind of a jerk. Your neighbor is kind of a jerk.” says Tim.

“ is she kind of a play girl?” says Lacey.

“ yes, she might be.” he says.

“ no she probably you know she might have reasons for what she does. She might have reasons for what she does, but it is a type of person that can be hard to get along with sometimes.” says Lacey.

“ them is this very loving conversation or an attempt at being loving is this making someone angry?” asks Walz.

“ yes just making Jack angry and he’s practically trying to kill her because he likes to pretend that he’s like you or Lacey or myself and he’s not.” says Lem.

“ I know you’re kind of the woman that goes out or we should do homosexuality we’ll see I mean I’ve heard some good arguments for why we should I don’t think we shouldn’t and I think we should just go ask God and see what his original intent was because he’s the one that created us so I don’t wanna hear anything from anyone else. I’m just going to go ask God.” says Tim Walz.

“ yes I am that person the one that says yeah I wish I should just go ascot because it’s his idea anyway, why are we sitting around talking about it? I should just go ask him he’s the one in charge just go ask him.” says Lacey.

“ I wonder if you’re right?” he says condescendingly.

“ what the fuck do you think I’m doing and selling baked goods? I’m just suggesting that’s what I go do?” says Lacey.

“ well, I mean why don’t we all just go do that?” he says.

“ I don’t fucking know what the fuck do you want me to just run your fucking life for you because you’re nothing?!” yells Lacey.

“ and you’re right no you’re right OK.” he says.

She gets out her gun. And watches all her angles as she slowly walks backwards towards the door.

“ and then we’re gone from the conversation and I was just me and you talking and I’m going to use your voice and you’re gonna have to try to understand that concept OK you’re not as smart as me or her quit bluffing.” says Lem.

“ that’s probably true.” he says.

“ do you understand why she’s going to talk to God or not really?” says F. Scott Fitzgerald’s grandfather.

“ I am I don’t want to talk to that man!” he says.

“ OK I’m gonna stop talking to you because he was extremely wealthy. He helped build St Paul and he was yes he was extremely wealthy and he helped build Saint Paul and I don’t really understand why you think you know everything apparently and you’re like God all the sudden, then you’re very violent towards her and then you think that she’s supposed to just not care that you’re just sort of a freak OK prissy Mc Chris are staying with a gun!?” says the CIA.

“ yes, you heard her say OK so much for that conversation. I can’t stand that man I hate him. I absolutely hate him.” says Lem. “ he’s it’s like talking to a upside down cake. I mean every fucking sentence it’s just a different concept different personality, different perspective. None of it makes absolutely any sense and then he expects you to sort of follow him. It’s one of the most weird conversations I think I’ve ever had I’ve had a lot of weird conversations but I don’t think Lacey realizes how bizarre this conversation has become because from my perspective, he should just say I find you attractive and you make me feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to cheat on my wife and Chris gave me the impression that you were a slut and I keep feeling like you’re coming onto me and I know you’re not gonna get carried away with it and then Lacey will be totally confused by that and he’d have to bet that she’s extraordinarily beautiful and that he’s kind of a nerdy weird freak for thinking that she was just madly in love with him it’s gross I never get it you think that that’s why Matthew Nesheim is dead because you guys are just a bunch of ugly fucking totes to get plastic surgery and go around thinking that everyone’s in love with you when they’re not.”