“Racism” by Lem

Casi I’m curious what if Lacey were to say “oh I’m inferior to you you’re right and really mean it what would you say?”

“That’s not even eww! For sure!” says Casi, acting really grossed-out.

That doesn’t really make that much sense but OK? And then what is she supposed to do in response to that kill herself because she’s so terrible or what!

“I actually don’t know.” says Casi.

Well, you know you have to have something that you mean or you’re you’re clinically insane Casi, seriously.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to say.” says Casi.

Well you’ve got to say something or you’re insane.

“Alright.” says Casi.

I’m waiting.

“You’re a slob!” she says with conviction to Lacey.

She’s already admitted that in this scenario, so this isn’t a real response.

“Well don’t come back here ever again.” says Casi.

To where!?

“Nevermind!” she says.

No, no where. You have to say where.

“To my heart!!” she says.

How is she in your heart?

“Awesome!!” she says.

That’s not a response! How is she in your heart? How was she ever in your heart? 

“She was never in my heart.” says Casi.

*Lacey laughs*

We y

“You know you’re right.” says Casi.

Casi, she’s not actually inferior to you at all she’s vastly superior to you in every way. But I don’t think you’ve realized that she was never in your heart.

Later.

“Why doesn’t she just let it go?” says Casi.

“Because I’m not stupid!” says Lacey.

“I followed you to either get money or…attention…or…to laugh at you.” says Casi.

“Yes!” says Lacey. “But you’re just not better than some people Casi. Why can’t you…let it go?”

“Yeah, that’s true. And you’re better than me yeah, you’re vastly better than me.” says Casi.

“You know everyone realized that in the perfume community except for you. Most people realized that. What’s your fucking problem? Are you retarded or what!?” says Lacey.

“What if I actually I’m slightly retarded?” says Casi.

“How the hell do you not know that by now!?” says Lacey.

“Do I seems like they retarded you?” says Casi.

“Yes, it irritates me. You seem like you have a few screws loose or a few screws missing or something.” says Lacey

“I don’t know. I don’t know how I’ve never noticed that.” says Casi.

“Were you just like weirdly sheltered or something or what?” says Lacey.

“See sometimes I think I’m just slightly psychopathic and then I think no that can’t be quite right I don’t I don’t think I’m really a psychopath.” says Casi.

“ no, you’re not I don’t think you are. There’s probably something else going on with you. And I don’t even wanna talk about it because it’s too personal to you but I just think you should be aware that you seem dumb to really smart people or people who are even smart at all you seem stupid, and for people like me if you don’t want to embarrass yourself, just stop being quite so cocky all the time like you could be narcissistic, but just don’t be so overconfident about everything.” says Lacey.

Casi laughs.

“ if what you’re saying is true I worry I’m reincarnated.” says Casi.

“ I don’t understand why you chose to come back if there is reincarnation oh I am I mistakenly came back for me. It was a mistake. I wonder if it was for you too? I wonder if we both really shouldn’t be here, but we are.” says Lacey.

“ I have been somewhat happy though.” says Casi.

“ yeah but I mean if I was you I would be mortified I mean you I don’t mean to be mean I really don’t actually you seem retarded and I feel like underneath that you’re not that stupid and it’s just kind of gross.” says Lacey.

“ why is it gross?” says Casi.

“ because I don’t think you’re supposed to be that stupid if there’s reincarnation it’s just weird. I almost wonder if you’re narcissistic and perverted and so somehow you decided to be stupid so that you couldn’t do too much harm. And that makes sense I mean you’ve done harm but I wonder if it’s as much time as you could’ve done if there’s been Carnation, if you were trying to sort of cut yourself off somehow from being so evil by making yourself far stupider than you should be. I mean I think everyone’s maybe just a little bit stupid or what I just said doesn’t entirely make sense, but I think you’re a lot stupider than you should be at any rate if you should be stupid at all, it seems like you just really went overboard.” says Lacey.

“ so I was a lot smarter in my last life?” says Casi.

“ yes, I think your natural soul in spirit if there’s reincarnation is probably very intelligent. But there’s just I don’t know you seem narcissistic and perverted. And it’s sad. Why did you do this to yourself? Why did you come back so screwed up if there’s reincarnation?” says Lacey.

“ I was probably trying to learn something.” says Casi.

“ and what the heck would you need to learn from this this is awful because I think there is something medical about narcissism because it seems like there’s something wrong with peoples brain waves. It’s like a an energy issue. I think there is evil involved too on your part at times, but if I’ve talk to ghosts, I’ve talk to fear a few serial killers who’ve died and they always seem to be cured at an end ready to deal with whatever happened which makes me think that there’s something medically wrong with them and so that when they die, they go through a sort of brain transplant of some sort, you know, through the holy through the Holy Spirit through Christ in his redemption, and then their themselves as they were meant to be. And I do I don’t know what happened to you, but I think you’re supposed to probably be a little colder and pretty much the same person if there’s ring carnation, I mean yeah just called her but pretty much yourself and it’s sad if there’s not reincarnation but maybe it’s not because then there’s no happy memories to look back on compared to the ones you have that might not be so happy. You can take your happy memories and then just make them better.

But if there is being carnation, no I worry about you slightly as you are because it seems like you’re not quite what you’re supposed to be but that’s between you and Christ and I don’t know why you are the way you are. I have to just trust that he’ll sort the whole thing out for you.” says Lacey.

“ speaking of which, what the hell is going on with you and Lem?” says Casi.

“Umm… wealth I think he knows more than I do to be honest that’s my weak spot as a human I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. I know that I’m with him for eternity. I know that I want him for eternity and that means a lot, but I really don’t know.” says Lacey.

“ who is Jack like that at all?” says Casi.

“ you’re creeping me out making me wonder if there’s reincarnation and you’re talking to me and your spirit.” says Lacey. “ I don’t think so. I don’t think so. I think he and I think he was different because of his narcissism. I don’t think he actually really was in a real relationship with them so I think maybe it looks like I have and I but I don’t think it was at all necessarily.” says Lacey.

“ what actually is what we thought they had that you have with him?” says Casi.

“ That I am hopelessly devoted to him, but I don’t really know what’s going on.” says Lacey.

“ so basically it’s like grease and your Sandra Dee end it should be obvious that you’re with him somehow and it’s not even just like gossip or rumor it’s obvious?” says Casi.

“ yes so I’m sort of just obviously his yes. I mean I am legally married to Mark, Jim Mark, and that is what’s here in this world that’s obvious to people, but in the broader deeper eternal context, I am his. And I know I really just don’t know what’s going on. I can’t figure it out. I know I’m with him, but I don’t know I don’t know.” says Lacey.

“ so what are we supposed to think that Jack belonged to Lem!???” says Casi.

“ I don’t know I mean I think in a way were supposed to to take the whole thing seriously but then when you really stop to think about it, it’s completely absurd. I mean I’m trying to think so it’s like oh la belongs to Jack or Jack belongs to Lem rather…it seems to work, but I’m not that stupid. because it’s like oh Jack must’ve been super effeminate secretly or really sweet and tender hearted or something and then lamb just pulled his strings and just controlled him all the time. This guiding masculine force of love protecting Jack. But then you think hold on. Let’s keep going with that thought that we’re supposed to leave it you’re supposed to just think oh Lem is dear and Jack is dead and then just let it go because that’s what most people do. but if you keep going with it, it gets weird.

Because it started, something starts yelling at you, and say go away there’s no more else to see. It’s none of your business go away. This is our private affair go away it’s our private affair. And then I say fuck that I have a right to know you don’t have a fucking right to your private affair not in this case. Or maybe no one’s relationship is ever really that profoundly private. It is private, but you have between each other is private, but if someone wants to investigate you, that’s not private because they’re not investigating the two of you in that way they’re investigating what you look like and people do that to couples all the time. And then there’s not much left, and they have to be honest.

Oh then I don’t see anything. I don’t see any relationship at all.

And I think what happened we had two men in love a few seconds ago where did they go?

It’s OK I think I’m back come back where did you to go? Where did you to go?

And yes, Casi if there’s reincarnation, I might’ve wondered if you were smarter than me in your last life because you’re a very dominant person in a way almost maternal maybe you were a little older than me, but maybe not by that much, if at all and you might even been younger than me, but you have a very strong presence if there’s red carnation, and I actually would’ve been as smart as you, but no, you would’ve come across to people is being incredibly into that incredibly intelligent I just wanted you to know it is a little weird because I don’t know what to say it’s like is this you or is this Virginia or is this post if you were what are you the same person yeah anyway versus both of you even if you’re the same person in some weird way or what is that it’s very creepy but anyway.

So I so where is this relationship between Jack and Lem? Am I’m forcing myself to try to imagine Lem’s as this great amazing, masculine, guiding force and now I’m seeing him and I’m not entirely sure that’s him and then I am seeing Jack as this…dumb annoying ugly weirdo?

It doesn’t really make sense.

So I’ll keep trying because everyone else is this is reality and I’m too stupid to handle it.

So I’ll see Jack as a penitent, devastated, loving man, who wishes he had never been born other than for his children, which isn’t enough because he wishes that they’ve been in heaven with him and he’s not me, so he can’t keep imitating me. So who is he really?

*Lacey waits*

Now he’s trying to imitate my son and now I think he’s trying to imitate a clock.

*Lacey waits*

And now I’m seeing who he is and I’m trying to figure out why anyone would love him to be blunt. But I guess people love people, so someone would be in love with him. Is Lem a worthless enough person to be in love with someone this shitty or what?

Oh, I don’t see Lem anywhere.

Yeah, I don’t think I’m could be in love with you Jack I’m sorry Lem’s just not stupid enough to be in love with you. He’s he’s too deep I can’t see him really being in love with you.

Even if he was gay, I don’t understand how he was in love with you

So then nothing makes sense that was supposedly happened. It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t think someone like him would’ve been devastated when you’re died because to be blunt I don’t think you could’ve ever meant that much to him. You are a narcissistic dull, stupid person. And maybe he saw some thing in you and you peed or when you ate apples or some stupid fucking shit like that or so care of a dog well that was worth a damn, but I personally would rather vomit then have to fuck you. and I cannot imagine being married to such an ugly stupid dull human being following you around well you are narcissistic, fucking asshole alcoholic drug addict. What the hell did he see in him have any damn value at all he’s cheap as fuck you could find someone like him at the dollar store of humanity.” says Lacey. “As a mother, I could love you, but there’s no way as fuck I could love you as a lover.”

“ that is very honest.” says a man.

“ if he was a narcissistic, and he actually was able to express himself he might’ve been a really beautiful soul but to be honest, there’s nothing extraordinary about him beyond just himself. There was nothing extraordinary about him at all even if he wasn’t narcissistic, he was a very below average person. He just photographed well he looks handsome in his photographs, but when you really study his face, you start to realize that it just photographs well. It’s it’s a handsome face, but it gets old after a while, combined with narcissistic personality. Because it’s it’s just it’s not intelligent it’s a crass face. And the more that he seems narcissistic, he just seems absolutely worthless as a man. And combine with his body no, I would rather vomit, then be with him at all. And then that’s where I get confused about why the hell lamb Billings with his amazing body and his expect a spectacular mind his ability to love somebody that was real, his death and his insight and humor and education and other privilege. Why the fuck would he ever be with Jack Kennedy? What the fuck did you ever see in the relationship? I mean, theoretically, maybe he could’ve just like Jack for himself but to be honest, that’s that’s a hell of a lot to ask of someone. Because what the fuck was he entertained by people are hungry people get bored people need entertainment you know it’s like putting a super athletic person with somebody who is a fat sloppy couch potato, who looks like shit. Could they look at that person and think oh that person’s really great maybe but that’s kind of weird. So maybe it’s possible that lemon could’ve been in love with him, but I am struggling to understand why.” says Lacey and God.

Lacey watches Lem.

“ I am barely able to see lem at all but people don’t think that matters so I’m just humor in their stupidity.” says Lacey

She watches.

“ now I’m seeing Casi if there’s a previous life and that’s not Lem so I need to see lem again please.” says Lacey.

She watches.

“ I can barely see them at all and now I’m just seeing Casi again nope, I need to see Lem

Now it seems like Harold lobe or Skippy Handelman are trying to be Lem because there’s almost no way to figure this out.” says Lacey.

She waits.

“ oh, OK now I’m seeing Lem’s hugging Jack, and lifting him up like Jack’s a ballerina. And I’m still watching I see them dancing together now I see Jack staring at the ground because he’s too stupid to know what to do and he’s not narcissistic anymore so he’s just kind of a dumb nothing because unfortunately for him I don’t think there was a lot underneath all of his bravado. He had ghost riders, and a very wealthy family and great photographers so What else Nolan looks like he’s confused and bored but I’m still watching him now. Lame is bored and he looks like he’s giving Jack a hug and Jack is resisting and so now he’s going to give him a kiss because I’m gonna make him because I’m sick of this shit so now he’s giving Jack a kiss and lemons laying on the ground dumbfounded is Jack is deciding to give him anal sex. I don’t know how normal the scene is but I’m watching hallucinations or some thing. I don’t quite think this is Lem but people insist that it is so I’m gonna watch. I guarantee you that if this isn’t what really happened that’s not Lem.

So um so now that Jack through Lem’s on the ground as the passionate Kennedy that he is so to speak up, let’s see him he’s going to he’s going to give them what’s coming to him so to speak and OK now they’re having fun and I don’t quite OK. This is really weird, OK I know it happens after they’re done. OK they’re not gonna cuddle and in Lem’s’s gonna do weird weird weird it’s like he’s like a fish out of water. No now he’s doing push-ups OK I know Jack is I don’t even know if Jack still exist at all, it looks like a morphed into Lem?

But that doesn’t matter because he will say this doesn’t matter I don’t know what I’m talking about, so OK?

So now let’s see what else I guess they’re just doing he’s just doing push-ups nope now they’re going to do a dance. It looks like a mixture of George Bush and Bobby’s energy which is really weird because it’s supposed to be Lem Billings.

OK now it’s dissolving into a puddle of yellow crayon??

Oh, OK him and I don’t know what to say about this. It’s a bit to be perfectly honest with you. I am baffled as to how anyone could think. This is a ghost. If I put back on my thinking cap that belongs to me, I would just say this is JFK it’s residual energy living in a hallucination hallucination living in an absolute delusion. I don’t think that’s what I really doubt that. That’s lame. I’m not. I’m not seeing his energy.

I mean it’s kind of like it’s there, but it could easily be an imposter energy or let’s see what else could it be to meet looks like an imposter it looks like some sort of reflection of his image in his actual. Almost like some demon used a mirror and clever like tricks to capture his image from the past, or some thing to fool Jack, into thinking that he was there.

But let’s see if yeah I don’t think love is actually there I don’t really see him people keep threatening me that he’s there but I’m not able to find him so if someone who insisted this is him can find a way to ground his energy enough so that I can see him I might be able to stand corrected. I don’t know who’s been talking to me maybe it’s emperor Constantine maybe it’s somebody else but I’m not seeing this as him new people are delusional potentially completely. You need to help me see this is him or you need to realize that you guys are possibly insane.” says Lacey.

Lacey waits.

“ yeah, that’s his face for about five seconds. You’re showing me his face for five seconds. I’m not seeing his actual self. OK Yep you gave me his mental image again. That doesn’t mean that it’s him.

He needs to actually be in front of me as a ghost or he’s not in front of me as a ghost. Yeah that’s some other gay man that I’m seeing right now that’s not him.

So ground this energy and prove to me that this is him yeah that’s not working. That’s his face and a body that may not be his.

I’m not as resistant to this is you people want me to be you’re gonna really have to try to ground him I’m not seeing it.

That’s just energy that’s just blind energy that you’re casting into his image. That’s not a ghost.

Yeah, it dissolves because there’s no spirit there. It’s just like a shell like an impression it’s not an actual person.

No, you’re almost conjuring Harold Loeb.

But that could sort of be him let’s see yeah that’s sort of him except that’s not really him say intelligent this this this energy needs to stay intelligent and not resemble Harold Lowe quite so much but I’ll try to keep watching.

OK, quit telling me that he hates me because he has no reason to hate me that much that’s psychotic

I think you guys have thought he was avoiding me because he hated me the same way that you do but he’s a different person than you, and it might not make sense.

Oh OK so he hates me OK I’ll just think that he hates me and see what I think that guy is. He just disappears, so OK he doesn’t hate me. He doesn’t hate me OK he doesn’t hate me of course not that doesn’t really seem like his personality, but who fucking cares right because you guys just live in the world that you choose to live in even though it’s not real, so OK then will just keep watching him Know the truth is this man is very short and weirdly shaped compared to the real person but that’s fine who cares right it’s just about whatever the fuck you people wanna believe so no I’ll just keep watching and I’m being sarcastic by the way, but I’m humor in your stupidity, so OK no just keep watching OK I’m waiting for him to see my kids. This is seems like he’s just moving around his head a lot.

Hi, how are you? Oh crap they just almost disappeared. Oh, so you like Jack?

Do you like Jack OK you just like you’re repeating that back to me do you like Jack? Oh no now you’re imitating my son and now you’re turning into a demon but who cares right you’re not really my son but you’re imitating him now but yet you, but we will just pretend like you’re not a demon scrapping together bits of energy and delusion to make some image of someone

How is it going? Do you like to play tennis?

Oh you did you did you die you look like Prince Charles? Oh you do ha that’s interesting so you now you look like a vacuum cleaner so you like to do you like to play tennis.

Wow OK that’s cool no no you’re imitating my son stop that Jesus his name OK now you’re a fishing pole. Oh wow now you’re back to land Billings OK are you are you in love with with Jack is a fishing pole?” says Lacey.

She waits.

“ are you keep trying to tell me something what is it? “ says Lacey.

She waits.

“ I know they’re not manifesting him like a ghost I can see him because I’m not like most people so I can see things that will super can’t see because of my brain and they’re real. I’ve seen full body operations that I’ve been cooperated by other people and I don’t think they saw full body operation but they saw a shadow or they saw exactly the same thing that I saw but I see more than they do. So now I’m not like a normal person OK get over it.

OK so I’m waiting for him to tell me whatever the hell it is he’s trying to tell me because he’s been trying to say some thing for the last 10 minutes and it’s the same fucking thing. It’s like he has some thought and it’s the only thought that he’s ever had.

OK now he’s turning into Jack and now he’s turning into some weird version of Jack, a different men.

no this could easily be a demon people think demons appear like in a costume with lights and stuff, and that there’s like a soundtrack and it’s totally labeled and that’s not true.

It’s actually amazing that anyone would ever be able to discern the difference between a demon end and ghost except it’s also not because how do you figure anything out from the moment that were born?

We’re not living in a matrix.

We’re just living in a very dark fallen world.

So we can ascertain some things in a natural way it’s like the constitution we hold his true self evident that all men are created, equal self evident. What does that mean for something to be self evident?

Somethings are self evident, but you have to be careful because somethings might seem self evident when they’re not.

So I’m waiting for this thing to be anything other than a demon.

Because I am a demon is a demon energy is energy. A ghost is a ghost is a ghost. Some things are self evident.

Up is up and down is down. That’s self evident.

So I’m waiting for this vacuum cleaner, Harold lobe, jack Kennedy box to be anything more than a demon and energy. 

I mean I could’ve told you that this isn’t Harold rather not they could be Harold but I could’ve told you that this isn’t lame about a half an hour ago but no one in the gay community. Really sincerely seems to be able to handle that so I’m stuck here watching a man name, Harold Loeb Make a joke with a demon because apparently it’s safe to do that in this case energy and it’s them turning energy into a vacuum cleaner. That’s supposed to be Lem Billings.

 OK now I’m gonna have a conversation with us a demon probably. It’s probably mimicking demon OK so no the Stephen is just making everything I’m saying it’s kind of like talking to myself in the mirror. Hi good to see you you’re awfully interesting. Are you loved Billings oh you are but then you need to tell me what’s going on OK now you’re not him anymore I don’t think that’s lame. Yeah I’m sorry you guys I don’t think this is lame. Yeah it’s not. I’m sorry I really don’t think it’s him. I could be wrong, but I really don’t think this is him at all.” says Lacey.

Later.

Bobby tries to travel back in time to go see JFK’s wedding. He gets stuck in the 1960’s. In a cafe. In Paris. In the lunch hour?

Of course his body is here. But…he gets stuck in his spirit. So he’s constantly sitting up. In a chair. And he keeps complaining about smoke.

Three expert psychics have to go into astral projection trances to try to travel back in time to find him. One gets lost in 1977. The other two find him.

They walk into his cafe.

“Did any of us lead Lacey to Lem’s apartment?” asks of them.

“No.” says Bobby.

“It’s weird.” says one of them pouring sugar in her coffee. (Someone sets up a table in front of them. And they manage to make it both present and in the past both.)

“Do you smell the smoke here!?” Bobby asks the woman.

“Just barely.” she says.

“Man! It’s Thick!!” says Bobby.

“Yeah. I smell perfume!” says the man.

“Hmm. I don’t smell that as much.” says the woman.

They decide to wander back to the present. But they get stuck in a weird demonic stronghold. Something to do with Mexico and drug cartels. Possibly some dead Mexican drug dealer who’s angry. In the 1980’s???

It takes them 20 minutes to find a way out.

Yes. Bobby may use the supernatural as a way to avoid using drugs.

And now they’re back.

“Why don’t you see me as attractive?!” Bobby yells at Lacey.

“You are good-looking!” says Lacey. “But…you’re just…well…you’re short. And…there’s just stuff about you that I don’t prefer.”

“I’m VERY tall. You remember that?” says Lem.

Bobby goes into shock.

“So you could sleep with him FOREVER. JUST HIM?” he says to Lacey.

“YES!” she says.

“Joe was more your type.” says Bobby.

“Joe Junior? Yes!” says Lacey.

“I was 6 foot 1.” says someone on his behalf.

“Tall men!?” says Angie.

“Yes! Not just all tall men. But yes.” says Lacey.

“Lem was HUGE.” says Bobby.

“Yes. I find him attractive.” says Lacey.

Later.

“You got left out of my group hug.” says Franny.

“I probably smelled too much like vanilla.” says Lacey.

“No! It was your Louis Vuitton handbag.” she says.

“I didn’t have one yet.” says Lacey.

“You were a terrorist!” says Franny.

“WHAT!?” says Osama Bin Laden.

“No. I mean… you aren’t a terrorist. I think I’m just jealous of you, but then I tell myself I’m better than you, so I don’t feel jealous.” says Franny.

“ why would you want to be snotty like that though?” says Lacey.

“ you mean like an actual terrible evil snot?” says Franny.

“ yes, how is that not just icky?” says Lacey.

“ yeah.” she says.

“ I just I’ve never understood why people do that act snotty like that I’m really not like that at all. I don’t understand it.“ says Lacey.

“ you look a lot like Bobby Kennedy‘s wives in a weird way.” says says. “ I would really freaks me out is that I could see them having that same personality.”

“ yes, except they’re not me.” says Lacey.

“Oh crap.” she says. “ because you’re this like deep voiced but it’s not like masculine but it’s sort of like Betty Davis at times as you’ve aged probably kind of like an 1800s aristocrat sounding woman even if you’re not reincarnated and you’re a lot more beautiful than them, and there’s like a dark depth to you that I don’t think any of them actually even had a matter how dark they were and so you’re like yes they are like me but unfortunately, they seem like a knock off of me.”

“ yes if you compare them to me, they do all of them except for Mary there’s something different about her I mean really there’s probably something different about all of them so I should maybe even just single her out but you know what there’s something different about all of them, but his first wife is a frighteningly about finding the large amount like me if she even wanted to be a lawyer she’s from Bloomington Indiana. I am from Bloomington Minnesota. There’s a creepy similarity between us. I really don’t like it. I find it really upsetting but then I think you know what I am be and if there’s reincarnation, I am the original and then I think you know really, though she’s an original to and then I start looking for our different and I think you know what I think in a certain really upsetting totally demoralizing way that I have to just sort of well at least not maybe not totally demoralizing, but demoralizing way that I just have to let go of she is who you thought I was she’s who so many people have thought I was publicly in the perfume community, and otherwise And I think I think people have been relating to her and Jack people think of Jack for some weird reason and I think it’s lame but it’s also because he’s been haunting me. I think people read his energy and get stuck on it but but she’s someone else and people think that I am all the time and I’m not her She’s more me than I myself in some really creepy way because I am me but there’s something about me that is always been sort of like coached like someone taught me how to speak the way that I do like my parents, or possibly even some demonic entity when I try to talk in an American way so It’s not really hard it’s not really easy for me to pinpoint what it is but maybe it’s almost like a downed earth, sort of Midwestern quality, or some sort of like folksy almost like sweetness, or sort of a bumbling cuteness that I see in his first wife that’s not really who I am almost at all.” says Lacey.

“ she’s right people do that to her. I’ve done that to her and one of her doctors talking to you from the future. I realize since dying that I was a total ass to her and I realize that part of the reason I am is actually because I find her frightening am I am abortion doctor I became her doctor when she was pregnant with her second child and she was trying to maintain her thyroid and she didn’t want to lose her child and so I specialize in all a lot of different things to do with birth and I have an endocrinologist and so I became her endocrinologist but I’m also no version doctor and I find her scary every time I talk to her she totally freaks me out I mean it’s creepy to me to be with her. I guess I could totally terrified every time I’m around her. and I’m realizing in the afterlife that it’s because I was an abortion doctor, and if she’s illegitimate, her mother may have considered avoiding her or even tried, but I don’t think her mother actually even ever try it. I have a feeling that it’s not that at all it’s not that her mother tried. It’s not her mother thought about it and never really excepted Lacey as her daughter so when Lacey was first pregnant with her first child and it wasn’t planned even though they were married for a second she thought do I need to have an abortion and then she thought no absolutely not this baby. Inside of me is my child. I could never do that to them. I already love them and she thought absolutely not this one is mine. This is my baby and she was right of course I don’t think I don’t. I don’t think there’s any way that she was ever going to give up her to her kids and they can sense that right away oh, and they can sense that right away and so even though for a split second, she wondered she automatically badger herself for that no I wouldn’t. It’s not even that’s nonsense, and it was just absolute nonsense to her and no they can sense that but that’s not what she experienced. The sort of realization that this is her kids, and the whole thing is just totally stupid to reject them no she did not experience that with her mom I think if she what it was more like they were two separate people and her mom loved her in a sense but they were separate very separate and that was the stupidest thing Margie ever did if she’s if she’s if Lacey is a legitimate, Margie was a total dumb ass and how she handled the situation. And the problem is that a lot of women who have abortions should not be having an abortion. OK I’m gonna be honest there are some women that need them. They’re so women where they really genuinely need them even if it’s not medical, but there are plenty of women who get them who really should not be getting them, and I think some of those babies have hunted me through her I think I saw I sensed her spirit being wounded in the way that they are, and it really affects me. Because it’s like dammit you feel rejected by me the same way that you felt rejected by your mom edit it every time I talk to her it just drives me crazy because I think what is bothering me and it’s those kids.

And she’s one of them she’s got the look in their eyes and in her eyes that they would have because they look at me and talk to me and then I’m supposed to be her doctor keeping her alive and it’s like I must feel like they’re trying to say to me maybe you know I hear you you can’t pick and choose. You don’t know you’re just a doctor I think about it, I could’ve been your patient too.

I might’ve liked your quilt better than she did

And that’s something that I have to deal with. I think what Lacey would say to me is how much pain did they go through did you manage to make sure they didn’t go through any pain or the absolute least amount of pain possible as quick of a death as possible and no, she’s absolutely right.

But I I would just say if you hater be careful because I would but nine times out of 10 there’s a supernatural explanation and it’s probably not something simple like Franny I think honestly, you probably hated Bobby’s wife which is why that’s coming to you and you should say that.” says her doctor.

“