“This” by Lem

Beanie (Piano Version) by Chezile plays.

Today I’m sad.

Very sad.

Why? …Because I’m realizing what utter shit I was my entire damn life.

My entire WORTHLESS life.

My family was wrong. My life wasn’t tragic. It was WORTHLESS.

I wasted so much…it makes me sick. …I threw away all of my talent. I violated myself. …And then I died…a pitiful death. …No suicide letter. No way for anyone to know I was trying to die. Just rumors and speculation. Just…LIES and myths. …That’s all I left behind.

I was straight. I mimicked actual gay men. And I did it so damn well my wife, Lacey, fights ten thousand violent demons EVERYDAY in an endless argument with…UTTER STUPIDITY. …She wrote me a passionate letter today. But here’s the kicker: SHE GAVE-UP…and she decided that if it wasn’t even a letter to me…she’d be happy with it. *I weep* I’m not supposed to be crying. But I can’t help it. …She’s SO STRONG for herself and our kids. And nobody shows ANY concern. EVER. Not really. NOBODY. …She’s just…endlessly heroic. It’s…BEYOND BRILLIANT. …And…I know who she thinks she could be writing to. He’s a dead Englishman. A dead English aristocrat. Lord something. …Very handsome. …And apparently he has no one. And he feels…I’m possibly trash. Absolute TRASH.

Yes. He thinks I’m trash. Even if I’m being heard…and I’m being honest and I was molested…and stolen…from myself and my family by criminal monsters you call “The Kennedys”. …DOESN’T MATTER! …To him I’m SCUM.

…And the way he sees it…Lacey is…so superior to me…IT DOESN’T MATTER. …Her suffering…is what matters, he feels, strongly. …The fact that Bobby tortures her…and is ruining the country…killing children…and I’m pictured here in a sexual pose…near his photo…even if I’m innocent…is…MY END. …HE CANNOT STAND ME. …And what’s funny…is that…that makes me respect him. …He’s what everyone thought JFK was. …Brilliant…self-assured…extraordinarily rich…titled…brave…handsome…and…nearly perfect. …Jane Austen met dozens of men like him, apparently. And I’m not one of them. …He’d never have made the mistakes I did. EVER. …He’s too good. Too smart. …He’s…better than that. He’s better than most people.

So why is he alone? …Because he’s extremely difficult. …Lacey’s legal living husband Mark is like him. Cold. Distant. …An absolute iceberg of a man. …Except…they do love. …They can love. …You just can’t force them to. Ever. At all. …And a lot of women haven’t had the patience nor temperament to handle him. Really. …When you die…you can be even more picky. …And women…don’t want him. He’s too complicated. Too…brutal. …But he knows Lacey could manage. Now that she’s been sublimely tortured as if she’s living in Hell. …He thinks she could be quite happy being with him.

Beanie by Chezile plays.

And…he’s right.

He’s fully capable of being alone in the morning while she drinks her tea in peace and quiet. …Silently walking to the stables. Riding in silence. …Prim. Cold. Utterly aristocratic silence. For hours. And then…deep…slow…methodical conversation. About…LIFE. …No hugs. No laughter. No…silliness. …Astonishing emotional austerity. …And why would Lacey like that!? Because…I was WORTHLESS. And…that’s all she has now.

Lacey’s not arrogant.

Lacey’s not evil.

Lacey’s not…a liar.

She’s…like an ancient…sexy…warrior princess from Egypt. Whether there’s reincarnation or not. And she’s…not Jack. At all.

So…as much as she needs me…and God is demanding we stay together…she’s not sure I WANT THAT.

Can you IMAGINE!?? …SHE SINCERELY THINKS I DON’T WANT HIM TO DEMAND THAT!!!! …I CAN BARELY…COMPREHEND IT!!!

…You’ve been so evil…and so WRONG about her.

She’s NOT JACK KENNEDY!! And you’re VIOLENT insistence that she’s arrogant or stupid or…cheap…or lacking…you always think she’s constantly lacking somehow…is…utter nonsense.

Lacey’s not like you. Can’t you understand that!? She’s not…like most people today. She’s just not!!!

She’s a ditz. She’s real ditz!!!! …But she’s A GENIUS. Okay!?! …So…you can’t expect her to think like you, necessarily. …She’s…old fashioned, for lack of a better way to describe it. But by old fashioned I mean like a woman from the 1800’s. So when she explains social class…it’s not to hurt you!!! …And you’re supposed to know that based on her tone!! 

Social Cues by Cage The Elephant plays.

Why don’t you like her? Because she’s this singer. Angry. Righteous. But she’s not joking. …And you can’t comprehend it. …When she was young her supposed friends called her a goody-two-shoes. She genuinely offended them. With her passionate Christianity. And like a martyr…SHE BARELY CARED. …To be honest…she’s genuinely almost a saint. I MEAN IT.

But…she needs ME. …Lord Blue…we’ll call him…isn’t actually her twin flame. Yes, that’s the best way to describe it. Twin flame. And while he’d never accidentally betray her and send her accidentally to a living Hell…like I have…they’re not meant for each other!!! …And YES!!! OF COURSE THAT MATTERS!!!

Why can’t you seem to care!? BECAUSE SHE TELLS YOU THE TRUTH. …That your insecurities are possibly based on reality. …Jack Kennedy didn’t do that. I didn’t do that. But I lived A WORTHLESS LIFE!! …What’s REALLY better!? OBVIOUSLY what she’s doing!! OBVIOUSLY!!! …Yes. I was and am heterosexual. …And I truly can explain EVERYTHING. …But…you know…in a way…it would be easier if I had been gay. Or bisexual. Or pansexual. Because…then I’d seem…more…like her husband. …It’s gotten that bad. …She has no idea what to think of me. …How could someone do what I did!? …Be so…passive? …So…resigned to giving a shit about Jack Kennedy and his narcissistic family? So…jolly about it all!?! So…happy!? …Lord Blue claims he’d have killed Jack at Choate. Burned the body. OR…just let him DIE like nature provided, mercifully. And…he’s RIGHT. …He’s absolutely right.

You cannot ever seem to respect what I’m saying!! I HATED JFK. I HATED him. …In my latter years I lied about how much I loved him. …It was show. It was total rubbish!!! …And…Lacey can’t imagine betraying humanity that way. Lying to people. Letting some poor sod somewhere get the wrong idea. She’d never do that. …Neither would Lord Blue, apparently. He’s too principled. …In their minds…they think people need the absolute truth at all times…to make the best possible decisions for themselves. And…they’re right. …But…I’m not that…way. …And most of the time…LACEY would be safer with me as her husband than him. …There’s a balance to things. Under normal circumstances. …And she needs me. As much as things have gone so far off the rails she now wonders about him. And he’s introduced himself. …She’s also just in love with me. And that’s why I’m so…sad.

There’s not much I can do. …She can’t hear me. Hardly at all. She can hear me…but when she’s vulnerable she can’t hear me. …During our intimate moments she can usually…and I’m sharing that with you for a reason. But I mean when she’s crying. Ready to die. Fighting to keep going. That’s when she can’t hear me. …She’s basically dead when it comes to her romantic life. That’s been so excruciatingly painful she’s essentially dead. But…she thought she was loved by the parents who raised her. And when she’s crying over that…I can’t talk to her as easily.

Why!? Why can’t she hear me? Because I was such a fool. Because I lived a worthless life.

No. It’s Rip…seeing me smile while massaging Jack. It’s stupid stuff like that that gets repeated over and over again!!! …I did think I was gay. But that’s not why I was smiling. …I sincerely wanted to help him. It’s that prosaic and innocent. …And Rip saw it and misunderstood. …No, I just wasn’t sad enough at his wedding. I smiled way too naturally. …That’s all the proof you need. But nobody can believe that!

I look gay. Because I acted gay. But I actually do look straight!

And you HAVE to stop telling Lacey I was gay but she imagines otherwise out of hurt. …That isn’t HER!!! That’s Mary Richardson. That’s a lot of other people. That’s NOT HER!!! …Lacey is cutthroat with herself. …She’s NOT a woman who would EVER live in denial. …Bobby, if there’s an Illuminati, has no idea who he’s dealing with. …She might look vaguely familiar…but she’s NOT.

“I think Red Fay is my friend.” says Lacey. She cries. “I hope he didn’t totally betray his wife. But I respect him for being so self-aware. And as much as I might be Lem’s twin flame, a part of me is more like Red. …I am almost certain that he was in love with Jack in this picture. And he looks devastated! …And him being brave enough to feel his emotions in this picture allows me to understand what is going on in reality. I needed him to be sad in this picture all these decades later, I needed him to experience his sadness in this moment to have a clue what’s going on. In his eyes, I see what Lem should be feeling. but instead, what Lem seems to be feeling is some sort of generalized sadness. I don’t think that he was in love with Jack. …And it’s because of Red Fay that I’m able to realize that.

I don’t think that it’s remotely possible, that he was attracted to men at all. I don’t think it’s possible… Because there’s no way that a man who is attracted to Jack ever even who was in a relationship, wouldn’t be slightly sad in this situation. It’s NOT POSSIBLE. But he’s not sad in the right way. And I know people will think that that doesn’t matter. But it does! Lem should be experiencing sadness over Jackie. And he’s not. He’s sad about how awful his life is. And that makes sense but he should really be experiencing more sadness over what’s happening in that moment if he’s gay at all. He looks…like his life is over. And like he’s never been loved at all. Or something very close to that. And it’s not…about…jealousy. It’s about…feeling…like…his whole life was a lie. …And that makes sense.

And combined with the insight from this young man

I feel the need to cut people off.

I can’t take people seriously anymore about Lem Billings. I’m sorry. But unless if God says otherwise to me in an appropriate way…I’m going to have to think he was straight. …Because there’s just way too much evidence.” says Lacey. “I really almost just don’t think it’s possible…that he was at all into men in any real way. …And I’m going to have to leave a lot of people behind in highly suspecting this. Because when I highly suspect something…it’s very serious. There’s very little likelihood I’ll ever change my mind.” says Lacey.

“Alright.” says Red Fay, audibly. As in, Lacey hears his voice saying this.

It seems as though Red feels a little better, now that she knows more. Not entirely better…but a bit better.

“I’m pretty sure this man is bisexual. …He looks bisexual to me. …And what I find frustrating is that…he doesn’t seem to know that. …That he’s…genuinely attracted to women. …Even if God has…saved him…and…perhaps he feels God says it’s wrong…to be homosexual…I’m almost positive he already found women attractive sometimes. …He’s not…really doing something that extraordinary. …And that’s maybe depressing…because I suspect he thinks his attraction to his wife is a miracle. And evidence of the supernatural is encouraging as a Christian. But…what worries me is that he’s dealing with fears, I would bet, that are based on a false narrative about himself. So…he’s probably worried some days that he’s going to stop finding his wife attractive…but…thats SO unlikely. …In my opinion. …I think…he was under the impression A LOT of so-called gay men are under that they’re wholly gay…when in reality they’re technically bisexual…just mostly gay. …And what also worries me…is that there could be many actual gay men who might find his story encouraging…but not get the same results necessarily. …Could God alter someone’s sexual orientation? YES. But…there are a lot of people waiting for a limb to grow too. And that’s assuming it’s not allowed in Heaven, to be homosexual. So even if it’s wrong and it’s a defect…God doesn’t always heal missing arms or missing limbs either. …And that doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist. Life is just like that in the Fallen World. …And in many cases He uses science to help. But as advanced as science is…some things are nearly impossible and maybe always will be. …I hope…he doesn’t expect truly gay men…to be ‘healed’ as quickly as him.” says Lacey. “Because I suspect he just found the right woman…and feels it’s wrong to be with men. And I suspect he wasn’t healed…so much as…he changed his view of homosexuality…and then accidentally found out he was bisexual, and he had been already but just didn’t let himself experience it.”

“What do you mean by that?” asks Casi.

“Okay so…I can’t imagine being with anyone but Lem. I adore him. …And I could be…if I had to. Out of obedience to Christ. But…I’ve let myself get attached to him. And…I’ve started to find even his flaws irreplaceable. But that’s…because I let myself. And I had no idea how much I’d like his flaws.

People can let themselves love and be attracted to certain things. But if they repress it…for whatever reason it’s there…but just…subconsciously, of course. …I think he found wonton subconsciously attractive.” says Lacey.