“Illinois” by Lacey

Jack was too much of a lightweight intellectually FOR ME. And so was Bobby and so was Bobby Junior. …They were also VERY upbeat people who couldn’t be as dark and serious as I am by nature. …I enjoyed listening to classical music and brooding. In silence. Those men don’t really do that. …And Bobby has bullied Lacey to “lighten-up” because of it. He also lies about his personality in relation to other men who are more intellectually inclined than him…because of me. …He was jealous of Mary and Emily because they could be more serious. And he was aware that…I found that really attractive. A woman who could be British essentially. …Reticent. Retiring. Serious. And yet…very funny. Most British people are like that. …And by British I mean Scottish, Welsh, Cornish and English. Not so much Irish. Although the Irish in Northern Ireland might prefer I just said Scottish and English and Cornish.

…No. Jack lacked a certain ability to be serious that I need. …He was very…light. And…I can be too, so can Lacey. But it’s…different. It’s not just Irish though. It’s them. It’s the whole Kennedy family.

When did Lacey become my eternal flame? And when did Joe lose Lacey? If there’s reincarnation, it was actually in the 1600s. The world became very evil, and very good, in a particular sort of way. And if there’s not reincarnation, it was in the late 1800s. So regardless, it was before Joe really was given the opportunity to throw away Lacey to get his pot of gold from Satan. Because that’s what happened. Joe was tempted to throw away Lacey in his spirit to get money and prestige and all of his things that he wanted from the world. He was given that as an option, and he took it. And so he lost her, but he’d actually already lost her because he made a deal with Satan. And you can’t really necessarily make a real deal with Satan, at least not easily if at all, but he tried to and Satan just tricked him, but he didn’t know that. And that’s one of the things that he couldn’t process about Lacey was that he didn’t really have this opportunity with her that he thought he had. And it wasn’t that he was too evil. It was that it was gone before he even had the chance. And he couldn’t process that that was devastating to him because he really wanted her. He wanted to think he could be with her still that nothing had gone wrong, and that it would still happen, but it was long gone. That ship sailed hundreds of years ago, but he couldn’t accept that.

The truth is that sort of denial runs in that family though, and they need to be careful of it. Caroline is still attached to the idea of her father, being a much better person than he was. And the Kennedys tended to keep people close to them who gave them that impression of reality, and let them believe that about themselves,  So Ben Bradlee, Charlie Bartlett all of those men let the Kennedys believe what they wanted, they enabled them. And so did Gore Vidal. They didn’t deal with the reality of the fact that Lem was probably heterosexual, and that Jack was just bisexual and just secretly obsessed with him.  Instead they chose to believe that Lem was an idiot, and that Jack was super serious and sensitive. Because they just couldn’t accept Jack being unhappy.  There was a cult around him, and so all of those people fell in line, and just fed into Jack’s delusions about everything, which is part of how he got shot. 

And yes, part of Bobby’s worship of Trump is sort of in keeping with his father’s approach to JFK. He thinks that he can sort of reign Trump in or help him in some way and maybe he can but that doesn’t seem to be quite what’s happening. oh, and those men are telling him what he wants to hear himself about his orientation and about how in love with him love was and that he’s better than Lacey and his social class even though he’s bankrupt and the Kennedys never really were excepted into the upper class old money away that they want to think that they were or the way some people perceive them. And so Caroline has yet to accept that her prestige actually comes more from her, her mother than her dad to some degree. But that’s that’s her problem. They have a very hard time accepting who they are and Caroline does too but she might be healthier about it than Bobby. And Bobby is living in a delusional world, and he’s being enabled by a lot of people with a lot of money who are very conservative but who are new money and not traditional Republicans. So he thinks he’s going to help Trump but that’s pretty unlikely given that most of the time in a sense like he’s high on his ego and not really in touch with reality.

Putin is not in love with him. Putin is straight and Zelenskyy is getting angry because he had a relationship with Joe Biden, and he rarely gets to see him anymore because Bobby uses all of the flight privileges. He keeps telling Trump that he ‘senses something’ from Putin and it’s in a very similar way to what he ‘sensed’ from Lem to be honest. And unfortunately Trump being compassionate and genuinely loving at times to people who he cares about, keeps letting Bobby take the flight privileges to go visit Trump because he keeps trying to have faith in him that he knows what he’s talking about because Trump goes very much by instinct, and so he trusts himself. And he keeps trying to let Bobby figure out, you know, whatever it is that is bothering him, so to speak. He Bobby claims that he’s heterosexual, but that he has a sex addiction and Trump corners Bobby in a room. And they sit there for about an hour with a psychic counselor and a Christian charismatic prayer warrior. And sometimes they tell the psychic to leave and they just sit there with the prayer warrior and try to process what’s happening. And Bobby keeps saying, ‘What’s coming to me is that I’m gay.’ But then that’s where Trump and the Christian charismatic want Bobby to get deliverance and healing as they believe it works, as Christians. But Trump being actually a very sensitive loving person when he chooses to be Keeps telling Bobby nothing because he can’t quite figure out how to help him. He doesn’t want to force Bobby as a grown man to do something. But Bobby is working for him and submitting to these people as his authority and so he really should be taking them more seriously but what happens is that Bobby sits there half smiling and he just refuses to say anything. Instead he just says, ‘What’s coming to me is that I think I was gay! I think I’m gay!’ and then he just sits there smiling like he’s dumbfounded and doesn’t know what to say. And they keep waiting for more direction from God in the Holy Spirit, but Bobby is just silent, and instead of understanding that Bobby is defying them, they choose to believe that God is working in some mysterious way. Because Trump is an actual intellectual to some degree even if he’s a bit of a charlatan, he is somewhat of a real intellectual. And so Trump keeps thinking, how do I help Bobby self actualize in a sense. Because he doesn’t want to force Bobby to do something that he doesn’t want to do. But he also is a Christian, and he’s quite sincere about it to a certain degree. and so he’s old enough to be able to understand that somethings are complicated and he actually doesn’t have a strong opinion on homosexuality the way that some Christians do because he knows too much to think it’s a really simple thing. But then he also understands the Bible and the Christian perspective that it’s wrong and insane. And so he tries to be sort of an intermediary between all those different elements. Because there unfortunately isn’t a strong contingency of people who think like him and myself who are alive anymore who can have that conversation without being hateful or stupid. Like what does the Bible actually say. Not what do I want it to say not here’s what it should say not I’m gonna take it the way that I think it was meant, and should always be interpreted, but rather let’s take our time, and really think about what’s actually being presented to us with the Holy Spirit guiding us. That cultural moment was totally botched in history. We breezed through it at lightning speed. and so there’s a huge problem because there’s people who believe that it’s just absolutely wrong and then there’s people who believe it’s absolutely right and there are very few people left to think like Donald Trump and myself who can actually have a real conversation about it that’s not stupid. And sometimes he can’t even do it himself.

Pedophilia is wrong and it is insane and we might not be accepting of that as much if we had that conversation. Because if homosexuality actually isn’t acceptable, obviously pedophilia would be either. But ironically, at the same time, if it is acceptable, pedophilia may be outed in the Bible as being 100% wrong and completely insane. Because it’s a different thing than shellfish. It’s not about eating ham it’s something else. And so unfortunately, there are some people who do suffer in this life and pedophiles might be in that category of people. there are people who are born without limbs. There are people who are blind, and they may be unfortunate in a sexual way. Or homosexuals and pedophiles are both ‘not a thing’ but that was never really discussed in a truly intellectual sound, rational way and public discourse. It was just a bunch of nonsense for about 20 or 30 years. It was never a sincere, genuine, authentically intellectually secure discussion.

So poor Donald is not really sure what to do with Bobby Junior.

Because he doesn’t want to make Bobby be straight. He knows too much as a person of intellectual integrity to do that. He knows that he can’t make Bobby be straight. But he also knows that he can’t but he also knows that he can’t really say that it’s OK for Bobby to have an open relationship with a man. And so his solution is to let Bobby take the flight privileges afforded by billionaires in the Illuminati to go see Putin.

But Putin ‘doesn’t really want that for himself’, and he’s not attracted to men at all. He expressed that to many people in the Illuminati including President Trump, but Trump doesn’t seem to think that he should stop letting Bobby take the flight privileges and Bobby doesn’t seem to think that Putin has really been able to enjoy his presence yet. He often says Putin is a very withholding man, and he just needs to find time to loosen up. And so he tries to get Putin drunk. He tries to get Putin to smoke pot with him. Because he keeps thinking that if he can just get Putin intoxicated that maybe Putin will express to him that he’s not umm…disinterested…he’s just busy…or he’s a complicated person or something like that. Because Bobby is ‘so sure’ that Putin is bisexual at least somewhat. Putin actually is a heterosexual, but Bobby doesn’t like that and so he chooses to think it’s not true. So he keeps thinking that he just needs to get Putin drunk or high, and then Putin will ‘do something’. Because he believes that some things are useful for getting people to sleep with you. He knows that drugs can go either way, but that generally pot and alcohol allow people to still be in touch with themselves enough to still do something sexual that’s real. And so he is often showing up with schnapps or with vodka. He does a lot of ‘love bobbing’ with expensive liquor sent to Putin. And he still tries to send Putin messages of himself half naked. But Putin has found a way to intercept most of those so he doesn’t get spammed by him as often.

Sometimes he uses his own money. Sometimes he uses money that’s given to him from friends.

And it’s not as intense as it was a few months ago, but he still is very determined.

I think he’s getting distracted by work.

I haven’t seen the love letters that he sends Putin, but he seems to be referencing something to do with some sci-fi movie that they watched together with Elon Musk somewhere. It wasn’t Star Trek, Star Wars or Doctor Who. None of those popular movies it was something kind of on the fringe. It was a guys night, but it wasn’t meant to be a guys night? It was just meant to be a bunch of men hanging-out watching a movie in someone’s estate somewhere in their private theater, but Bobby took it as an opportunity to chat-up Putin and one or two other men. He didn’t realize the social dynamics of the situation. It’s possible that Stephen Colbert was there and found Bobby really annoying. It happened years ago. And Stephen, is still annoyed because it was just supposed to be a fun platonic weekend away watching movies, eating popcorn doing manly stuff in a non-sexual platonic way. And they’ve tried talking to Bobby about it, but Bobby insists that he’s not attracted to men. He insists that he is a sex addict, and that he was drunk and that he was just in a weird mood that he can’t quite figure out or something. Because he insists that it wasn’t that he was homosexual, although even the tallest buildings sway in the wind or something? ‘The tallest, straightest buildings sway in the wind!’ or something? he said. But that isn’t real because there are actual heterosexuals and he’s just bisexual and in denial about it. But he thinks that he’s being of the moment and Post Modern and intellectual. And that he’s not really attracted to men but he’s just attracted to the experience of being different and cool, or something because he’s a sex addict not a bisexual. So when the charismatic prayer warrior prays with him, and he pretends to pray in the Holy Spirit he may be being told by the Holy Spirit, that he actually is a homosexual, but he, but he acts like he’s being told in a way where it’s not real, but that it’s through spiritual insight that’s been given to him in some meta way or some existential sort of complex way that isn’t really personal and about him as an individual. It’s more like a concept of some sort of complex nature that’s personal, but not personal and that’s about him, but is actually more about a movement or a moment or an existential threat and it’s not really so much that God is telling people that he himself is attracted to men. So Donald Trump tries to be very kind to him, and he is allowing him to work that out by visiting Putin.

It’s possible that he would be more angry at Lacey for insinuating that Lem was straight and not in love with him like People magazine has assured Bobby is true, but he is distracted right now by work and Vladimir Putin. Yes, David Pitts, People magazine Time magazine, The Daily Mail? A lot of those publications are the people who have assured Bobby that Lem was gay. And Bobby has a lot of confidence in their intellectual certainty and infallibility. Bobby wouldn’t necessarily trust them in matters of science, but it matters of the heart and matters of human psychology he tends to think that those people are infallible experts.

It’s very likely that Jack Kennedy was a similar person to Bobby in some ways. Because a ghost told me this morning, whether they were lying or telling me the truth, potentially, that Jack molested his kids, because of the influence of some gay lothario who he actually fell in love with, and was devastated by. Not Lem not Gore Vidal not this Jewish man. I don’t think it was anybody who we know about other than possibly Dr. Feelgood.  But I’m not convinced it’s Dr. Feelgood. It seems like Jack took his kids with Jackie to some millionaire’s estate in Illinois next to the lake.  in the late 1950s or so for a weekend. I think these people were possibly big donors to the Democratic Party. And they were very intellectual. And they had some dark man who was of European descent, who was into the occult at their house for the weekend.   And I think that man zeroed in on Jack and became sort of fascinated by him.  And so Jack got carried away with this person. 

I think this person told Jack a lot of stuff about himself that maybe Jack didn’t know or that Jack found really enlightening. And he was sort of like Rasputin whether there’s reincarnation or not. He kind of had this way with Jack, though where it was like Jack was ‘really special’ and he was somewhat attractive. And so he gave Jack this idea of himself that was really happy to Jack. And he made Jack feel extremely happy. Because Jack liked being happy. Jack was a very upbeat person who is rarely ever genuinely all that truly serious. He liked making people laugh to get control over them, but he also just liked to him and so this mad was very cheerful with Jack and they had a fun time and Jack was really smiling a lot and he had a lot of energy. He was very happy with his man. And this man and him ran off together and started exploring New Age theology and lots of different things like Buddhism. And this man was a pedophile and into the occult. And even though it sounds trite and it’s not common as much as people think it is, he actually may have been the primary reason why Jack started molesting his kids. Most the time and people say, ‘Oh I was under the influence of somebody!’ they’re lying and it’s just a way to try to seem like they’re not really a pedophile as much as some people are or something. But if this is what happened, it seems like it actually was true in this case where Jack was a pedophile somewhat, but not as much as some people are, and he maybe would never have done anything to his children if this man hadn’t given him the idea to do it. It seems like he told Jack that if he could get his kids to fall in love with him by molesting them that he would be able to help them more in life because they would never fall for the wrong person when they got older. So seemingly he harmed his children with this man while intoxicated because yes, Jack and this man were high when they did this, but the idea was that he was being perverted, but also somehow doing something that was helpful.

I don’t think Jackie knew. I think it was terrifying to her to the point where her brain just didn’t work anymore. Or that’s what I was told.

And I don’t think that his children ever found out in any intentional healthy way.

And I think people want people to think that he was a really good man and it’s too painful for his kids and too painful for people who know his kids to tell them this, if this actually happened. Because it shatters the idea of him as this, super intellectual, aesthetically, brilliant super genius, masculine straight man who was like a god. And it makes him seem silly and ignorant, and gullible and worthless as a father but possibly by accident to some degree. And yes, it would suggest to Caroline that somebody decided for her and her mother what was best. This man seemingly told people about what happened as gossip. Or somebody found out. Oh, and I think that was part of the reason why they shot him if they did. Because they thought, ‘No he already abandoned his kids anyway, he’s a total nutcase freak from Hell! He’s a worthless father anyway. What good can he possibly do those children!?’ And in a way that’s true but he actually may have just been that gullible as well. He’s not a ditz like me. He’s an idiot. But I think maybe he actually did love his kids, but he just wasn’t cognitively capable of processing what was happening. I don’t think he loved them the way that a healthy father would, because he was a narcissist, but I think as much as he could, but he probably did love his kids. And I think ideally he probably should’ve never become president, because I’m pretty sure this happened before, but I think he could have probably been allowed visitation rights with them as long as he was monitored and kept alive. And he probably could have been put in put in an insane asylum instead of Jackie and Marilyn and ideally, he wouldn’t have had to have been put in a situation like that, but he could’ve been put in an insane asylum or he could’ve been put somewhere where he was safe from himself, and he was kept monitored, but I don’t think that he needed to be killed. I think that was a bit draconian. I think he he needed to just be monitored and kept out of any position of authority. No not elected president not elected senator probably just somewhere quiet and safe and he might’ve died in the 60s or 70s but it would’ve been of natural causes and it wouldn’t have been traumatic for anyone because I think Caroline and Jack Junior would’ve understood that their dad was just sick and that he could be kind of a dad but that he was sick and so they couldn’t be around him all of the time. Because he was a very gullible man.

I think he may, if this person existed have transferred himself…anger at this man to anger at Lem.  And anger at me.  Because we’re safe to be angry at.  Because we wouldn’t harm his kids. I never would and I don’t know that Lem would have either.  And it feels safer to get angry at us, and accuse us of being evil in this profound way, instead of owning the fact that he was gullible, and completely capable of being taken advantage of by someone.  And he was shot, not because Lem’s was in love with him, and I shot him somehow in the future, but because this man tricked him into doing something egregious that destroyed him. 

I wonder if he thinks he would have never met this man and never talk to him if Lem hadn’t fooled him into being gay. But Lem was straight and Lem did not fool him into being gay. This man just fooled Jack, if he existed.

Jack could somewhat fall in love with people like Inga. I’m not convinced that if he wasn’t a woman he wouldn’t have fallen in love with Dr. Moritz. I think he was looking for someone smart, but he wasn’t is interested in intense deep conversations that are like what I have with Lem. So someone serious in a way. A serious intellectual, but someone who is probably far more into being lighthearted than Lem was capable of being Lem had a sense of humor. I don’t think that’s really what he was looking for. I think he was looking for someone smart, like his mom and dad, but kind of serious like him, but only only so much. I think Jackie was too serious for him too frankly. I think Inga was probably closer to who he really was looking for. I think Grace Kelly could be lighthearted enough for him, but she became too serious herself, and then that irritated him or he lost interest. Same thing with a lot of other people. I think he wanted someone smart like his dad, but he was also really light hearted and silly in a real way. Those people are not often in like Lem’s, if ever. Because people like, Lem actually are faking their cheerfulness, in almost every circumstance, if not every circumstance. And they don’t want to talk about how sad they are for some reason or they’re still processing it but they’re not actually sad people they’re intensely serious people. It’s not that they’re permanently psychotic. It’s that they’re very intense people. So you can’t snap them out of it, you can’t give them counseling to make them happier, you can’t alter them. That’s just who they are. Vladimir Putin is like that. And Vladimir Putin does not need to loosen up and get drunk and and then suddenly he’ll start laughing and being silly and it’ll be real.

I’m like that too. And so was Lem. And yes, Bobby was more serious, but not as serious as Vladimir Putin and Lem and myself. and I once had a counselor tell me that she looked forward to the day when I was rollerskating with friends and I fell and I just cracked-up laughing because it was so funny to me and I was so psychologically healthy that I got my sense of humor back, and I could have fun again and just be normal. That is absolutely ludicrous and at the time I took it seriously because I didn’t know any better. I genuinely thought that I was insane in someway from being molested, and I just needed to find some way to get back to that place in my head where I would fall to the ground and start laughing like a normal person. I can’t do that that’s not my personality. That’s not Vladimir Putin‘s personality either. That is JFK’s personality very much so. And I think his grandson is somewhat like that too. I wonder if Joe Senior was slightly like that. I wonder if Rose was like that. But I am not like that. Lem wasn’t like that either. And that’s a very charming person but it’s not the only way a person can be. There are a lot of other personalities out and there that’s not the only healthy personality to ever exist.

But that was Jack’s personality and it’s very it’s very homosexual for him or it was. And that might be the reason why they lied about it because it was so connected to his homosexuality. It was so much a part of him being a homosexual. And it wouldn’t be for everybody. But for him it was.  The way that he would’ve fallen in rollerskates and cracked up. And been very charming. It’s not my personality. It’s not Lem’s personality, that’s just not who we are.  I am a very cheerful person in my own way, but there’s a sort of edge to it or humor or something. And that’s probably because Lem is my twin flame and there’s something very dark and edgy about him.  If there’s reincarnation he’s Constantine and Constantine killed people. And that’s very dark and edgy even if there’s something optimistic about him.  But I love that.  My father was like that.  And I’m not attracted to my father, but I am my father’s child, and so I understand that way of seeing the world.  And if there’s not reincarnation, then that’s still is a part of Lem’s personality.

This man seemingly understood that about Jack and took advantage of it. And it’s possible that Jack was told by God that Lem was responsible, but then he chose to misunderstand it. If Lem was sinning by abandoning himself and being gay when he wasn’t and that’s what happened, then that is evil. However that’s not something he did intentionally and it doesn’t make Lem in love with Jack, and it doesn’t make Lem responsible for with that man did to Jack, and what Jack did to his kids. Jack was responsible for choosing to harm his children to impress this man if that’s what happened.

And Jack fell in love with this man in a way that was different than what he experienced with Lem. Lem was straight and so it was limerence for Jack not Lem. And Jack was in a one-sided, pseudo relationship with Lem. And this man was attracted to Jack. And so it became real! And what he felt for this man, and what that man felt for him, was probably far more impactful and scary and exciting and meaningful than anything that ever happened with Lem. And when Jack got really happy it was because there was something actually happening. It was because there was something actually happening that was real. But I don’t think Jack cognitively understood that because I don’t think he necessarily understood both as a narcissist and also as a person in general will say what love really was. I don’t think he understood that it affected him, and that he wasn’t totally immune from it. I think he thought that it was something that bothered other people, but that it would never happen to him. And I think if Jackie had chosen to be more hurtful towards him he would’ve noticed it with her as well, and same thing with other people. But I think this man caught him off guard, and so his narcissistic instincts hadn’t quite caught up with him, and so he was narcissistic with this man, but maybe not as much as he was with most people. And so I think this man was actually affecting him more than most people could affect him. And that’s not an excuse for what he did to his kids. But I don’t think Jack was genuinely quite in his right mind, and I think he was possibly experiencing love. I think he was under the influence of actual romantic love that he didn’t know how to process. And then that’s where, choosing to have a heterosexual confused man as your lover is stupid and developmentally stunted him. Because that man is not your real lover. So you’ll never process certain things developmentally to be able to protect yourself psychologically from people because you don’t know what your brain does when you’re in love. You think it’s just gonna be like with Lem’s and that you can control it somehow but that isn’t at all real except for in your imagination and then this is real and it’s not your imagination and it’s affecting you psychologically and so you’re making stupid choices. And it’s possible that Jack would’ve eventually hurt this man as well, and that man might’ve even known that. And I didn’t that’s the thing if that man was trying to harm Jack, because he knew the Jack was going to hurt him then that’s them being in love and harming each other in a real way potentially. I don’t think I ever had a chance to say this to Jack and help him because he was more interested in throwing me into Hell than in hearing anything helpful I ever had to say to him.

Ari Onassis probably knows exactly what happened and whether or not this is real. And it’s probably the reason why he takes those kids in as his because he knows more. But Jack Schlossberg and Caroline don’t know that. And they’re kind of like Jack they don’t really want to hear anything I have to say. Almost ever.

And I wish Bobby would listen to me about Vladimir Putin. But he too, does not want to hear anything. I have to say.