“Lem Explains”

Lem: Casi, let’s try to explain.

This should be Lacey’s house. If she fit into your…expectations for how the world is run.

Please try to understand that.

Can you?

Casi: Yes!

Lem: That’s really Lacey’s house.

Is everyone clear?

Casi: Yes.

Lem: She owns the whole house…NO MORTGAGE…when she joins the perfume community.

Casi: So if she’d been “following the rules” they’re living there with no mortgage in their early 30’s?

Lem: Yes!

Lacey’s neighbor: That’s a nice house!

Lem: Yes!

*they all think*

Casi: I’m strangely losing all interest in her.

*she laughs*

I’m getting bored.

*they all think*

Casi: Nice house!

Lacey:

Lem: Lacey can’t respond right now. It ruins this experiment.

Alisha: Yeah! That’s a nice house!

A Catholic: She doesn’t go to our school.

Lem: Correct.

Another Catholic: Does she go to another Catholic school?

Lem: No. We send her to Minehaha Academy.

Casi: *nods*

A Catholic: Well, at least that’s a Christian school.

Lem: True!

A perfume collector: What perfume does she own?

Lem: Evening in Paris. That’s her first post.

A perfume collector: How mundane.

Lem: *shrugs and smiles*

Casi: What’s next?

Lem: We let that be her only post for a month. Just to see what people are thinking.

…

People are nice and kind and very interested.

This was back in 2014.

Her next post is Chanel No. 22. A vintage Eau de Parfum from 1950’s America.

Mira: *laughs at Lacey*

She’s so annoying.

Casi: *freaks-out*

*stays silent*

*just begins to observe*

*crickets chirp*

Lem: We post another Chanel. Chanel No. 5. A parfum de toilette from the 1980’s.

We really take time with this photo. I help her make it look cool.

I’m not gay, but I know how to make things happen.

Jan: You are starting to really annoy me.

It’s like, “WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?”

Tutankhamen: Lacey-

*he cracks-up-laughing*

Lacey was trying to be fun, and have fun.

She told you all, “I AM JUST STANDING BY THE NILE…TO FISH.

Do not worry about it!

Do not even think of it for a second!”

And you all started to assume she was a literal mud creature.

Lacey: *laughs*

Lem: She is actually Tutankhamen’s sister, in this analogy. And she’s fooling you all into thinking she’s just…- *he shrugs*

Alisha: I’ll play with his sister!

Lacey: I used to fall for that.

At 30 I knew better.

No, you actually hate me.

Alisha: Yeah, okay.

A reader: Putin, why did you stab her in the back?

Lem: He was inspired by evil.

See, I was supposed to betray her. I didn’t, but it looks like I did.

Barney Frank: Yeah. If there’s reincarnation her first buddies were gay men.

They saw her down by the fishing spot…and automatically knew she was faking it. *he laughs* Just like them!

Hey! A friend! Someone to go practice eye-makeup with while all the other kids were fishing.

*he laughs*

A reader: So you kids don’t fish!?

Barney Frank: *looks caught*

No…ah…we just-

Lacey: We like…to…experiment with the darkness!

*she says, almost as if they’re mystics*

Barney Frank: *holds up a kohl cup*

Lacey: It’s BLACK…as night.

Barney Frank: WE ARE STUDYING UNDER MOSES.

Lacey: *nods*

The reader, pretending to be an ancient Egyptian adult: Alright.

But you two need to learn to fish!

Barney: Oh! We will!

Lacey: Don’t worry!

A moment later they go back to finding ways to make Barney’s eyes look more…angular. Using the dark powder mixed with water. And a small brush.

Another reader: Does he come on to her?

Barney Frank: NO!

*he laughs*

God: He’s not an innocent man. But in this scenario, he’s just her friend.

Lem: So!

Let’s get back to the Chanel.

After she posts Chanel No. 5, then what?

A reader: Does Barney Frank have a crush on Tutankhamen?

God: In this scenario? Yes.

But Tutankhamen is mostly straight.

Let’s move on.

What does the perfume community do after she posts Chanel No. 5.

Another reader: Why did Putin betray her?

Tutankhamen: Because she’s just my sister.

It’s impressive. Sure!

But…he decided it wasn’t worth it.

Especially since I’m dead.

He is impressed, on a personal level. But…an old brick house worth $2 million with no mortgage and a brother who’s Tutankhamen seems more like an American kids television show from the 1990’s to him…than…something to take seriously.

It’s not. But…he was fooled.

He’s after…SUCCESS.

*all the ghosts listen to Lacey’s kids singing, in another room*

He never seems to quite get it. It’s REAL.

She was just…trying not to cry, listening to them. But that doesn’t mean she disappeared. And all is solved.

*they start playing at a dancing competition game*

Jan: Lacey’s kids sound gay.

God: They are not.

Jan: *he laughs*

God: And that’s why it is real.

This isn’t a game, Alexei.

Tutankhamen is right. You want results!

A reader: So why did he betray her?

Tutankhamen: Because…we aren’t famous…LIVING…billionaires. With our own country.

He wants a job. Not a story.

Putin: YES!

Tutankhamen: I completely understand.

So does Lacey, though.

This whole conversation about him started because apparently, on a personal level is making deals with the US where she gets put into prison or has to fight in a court case to defend her blog. That’s his stipulation, not theirs. 

He’s trying to destroy the First Amendment, essentially. 

They hate her because they’re jealous dogs, and they have far worse stipulations, but that was his comeback.

They’re not taking it seriously; they’re acting like childish, drunken pieces of shit.

Zelensky: *nods in agreement*

Tutankhamen: I am REPULSED!

He used to stand-up for her, and me both. He used to stand-up for children being sold. He used to stand-up for a lot of righteousness. But within the last year or two, he has started to make far too many concessions.

And it broke Barney Frank’s heart actually, because he realized that she had been deeply betrayed.

He does it primarily because he’s been narcissistically wounded by her and he’s too backward and foolish and stupid to recover. He has made an ass of himself countless times on Russian national television. But he is the best choice that Russians have and so they put up with him.

His wife worships him. And she hates Lacey because Lacey is infinitely more sexy and intelligent than she is. And even though Putin merely astral projected himself to seduce Lacey it was thrilling to him, because she’s quite a catch. 

His wife is very easily made jealous because he’s a cheating dog, but so is she.

Lacey would hasten to add that they both really do love each other. They’re just absolutely pathetic people.

Lem: Why didn’t he understand? She’s not usual trash!

Tutankhamen: Because he’s-

He did understand! But he’s not thinking well.

And I’m going to have to try to fight to say this through my sister, because it’s hard to say.

Putin, you need to grow-up and realize that Lacey‘s not your fuck buddy. Whatever happened in Red Wing was fascinating and she’s tried to explore it on this blog and explain it to people, but that was just her trying to work with a very bizarre situation.

*a short time passes*

Russia: He says he’s hurt.

Tutankhamen: What in hell are you looking for?

Putin: I am a very big deal!

Tutankhamen: Okay…and you want her to act like a peasant who’s impressed by you and doesn’t understand her own human rights? 

Putin: YES! Duh!

*he laughs*

A famous American journalist: Yes!

Fine, I’m not as wealthy as her or anyone in her family, but I am worth about $5 million and I have my own television show or did on Fox News!

Millions of people watch me on television so I can kick it with a man like Putin and it’s not weird. None!

Tutankhamen: Okay…but you’re not worried about the billions and oil that I am in control of through my sister?

Iran: No.

Tutankhamen: Okay! WOW!

Iran: Did I just accidentally annihilate myself?

Akhenaten: YES! If I want to.

Iran: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION!

China: *watches anxiously*

God: You fools have started a pandemic and World War III and you’re still challenging the authority of ancient Egypt and the Roman Empire?

Iran: But what does that have to do with anything?

You keep acting like we’re doing something.

This stuff is just coincidental, in the last 10 years? It’s just how it’s all happened! Okay! In the last 10 years? Nah! It has nothing to do with reincarnation because that’s impossible stuff.

It’s not in the Koran. It’s impossible!

A Muslim from India: Not…necessarily…

Iran: I WORSHIP ALLAH! YOU ARE NOT A REAL MUSLIM MALE.

BOW DOWN BEFORE ALLAH!

A Muslim man from India: I don’t have to accept that.

You’re WEIRD.

Iran: *gets flustered*

NO!

You BOW DOWN!!

*the man in India ignores him*

God: Now, when LACEY has that SAME reaction…you VIOLENTLY insist she’s LYING.

You all violently insist, instantly, that as “The Illuminati” you have A RIGHT to demand she do whatever you say. Or ELSE.

She’s never fallen for it. But you CANNOT let it go.

Maria B.: *stunned and scared*

Why are you insisting that!?

God: They genuinely think it’s their right.