Gloria Writes Lem

Eric tries to help Gloria Steinem write about what she believed Lem Billings was really like.

Gloria begins:

So, in reality, Lem is making-out with Lacey in the kitchen. Picture Constantine and Scotia. Not the imaginary ones you made up because you hate them.

And

Those people are making-out. In Cape Cod. In 1952.

Expect, she’s blonder, and he’s got glasses.

Anyway…

He’s got her shoved up against the refrigerator. And no, she’s not being coy. She’s in shock. And bliss. It’s actually very hot.

She’s smart…but-

And he’s…- Well, he’s not gay.

*Gloria laughs.*

*Gloria thinks.*

*A moment later.*

Now, there’s something to be said for the way that’s really…vivid. It’s also real.

And I guess it’s kind of interesting.

What I imagined?

Lem is gay. That’s what I imagined.

So he’s bubbly. The absolute life of the party.

Loud, flirty. He’s trying to get Jack’s attention the whole night. Singing to him. Kind of…showing-off for him. Teasing him. Always trying to get a laugh out of him.

And Jack eats it up. Jack feels…alive with Lem.

*Gloria smiles.*

Now Lacey’s depressed. Why?

Lacey: Because it’s not real.

When does Lem get his emotional needs met?

Gloria: *Thinks.*

He lives to make Jack smile.

Lacey: And then what?

Gloria: Huh.

Lacey: Does he get laid?

Gloria: *Thinks.*

YES.

Lacey: And then what?

Gloria: *Thinks.*

He gets over it.

Lacey: HOW!?

Gloria: I don’t know.

Lacey: So then how is this even possible?

How could he keep that up!?

All those years!?

Lem has no needs of his own???

Gloria: But women do that all the time??

Lacey: And they develop eating disorders. And they hang themselves.

But Lem just keeps laughing????

Gloria: Honestly? I feel like a stupid hick little girl when I talk to you, Lacey.

But I see your point.

Lacey: Do you not care about Lem’s feelings?

Gloria: No!

I care about Lem’s feelings.

Lacey: *Thinks.*

*Tries not to cry.*

*Has to take a moment.*

Lem: Do you really care about his feelings THAT MUCH!?

Lacey: Yes.

Gloria: *Nods.*

I’ve had to realize that.

*She cries.*

Lacey: He’s a real person, Gloria!

Gloria: Yeah.

*She cries.*

Lacey: So you do care?

Gloria: YES.

Lacey: Okay?

So you’re not just perversely in love with JFK?

Gloria: No.

…

Gloria imagines a gory scene. Lem is drunk. Determined to make Jack be faithful. Truman Capote had a talk with him.

But being heterosexual, Lacey has to rescue him. He’s a bloody mess, emotionally. And Lacey has to literally drag him out of the room, practically.

Lem: You’re understanding more.

Except I’m more…masculine, than that.

And I’m too big to be pulled anywhere by her.

*He laughs.*

Gloria: I’m not okay.

I really did imagine he’d be different.

Lacey: So…I’ve known gay men who are the way you describe. Or mostly gay men.

How about this:

He does sing for Jack.

But…then he goes and locks himself in a bathroom. And cries.

To seem above it all.

Gets drunk. Does try to sleep with Jack.

Later he goes home…and eats too much. Takes a sleeping pill.

Rinse and repeat.

Gloria: Does he admit to being hurt by Jack?

Lacey: No!

Never.

But he’s a mess.

And he’s too addicted to the Jack experience…to leave. Men have feelings too. It’s just very complicated.

So he seems fine. But he’s not. He’s incredibly self-destructive.

Gloria: Does he hook-up with other men?

Lacey: Yes!

But he’s not able to move on. Because Jack keeps manipulating him.

Jack keeps him thinking there’s something there.

Gloria: You understand and understood this better than me.

I feel genuinely dumb.

Pamela Cisneros: How do you all get so confused!?

I feel bad for you…but get real!

YOU ATTACKED HER.

…How did you mess this up!?

I’m tired of watching her be too nice to you.

Gloria: That’s rich!

Cisneros: Well it takes one to know one.

How did you mess this up?

Huh?!

Everyone is examining me. Because what I did is obvious.

Don’t you care so damn much about poor people? Right?

Then YOU fess-up!!

Gloria: FINE!

Yes. I did curse Lacey.

I did literally curse her.

Some dumbass woman who tried to hang on to Lem. I resented her.

Pamela: YEAH!

SO EXPLAIN!!!

Gloria: *Thinks.*

I’m mean.

Okay?

I can be mean.

…And I’m a little narcissistic.

So…-

SHIT!

You know what it is? He’s Jack Kennedy.

I do care about his feelings… I swear.

But… he’s JFK.

Eric: *Laughs*

I’m sorry, but we can’t help it.

Excuse us, Gloria.