Lacey: Okay.
So!
Here’s what you do.
A Millennial man: I’m still confused.
Do you and Ward want to hook-up?
Ward: No!
Why? Because we’re talking about our sex lives?
A Millennial man: Yes.
Aren’t you two being too…personal?
Ward: No.
Lem was…overwhelmed.
I get overwhelmed too.
We just have that in common.
And…I was out of sorts.
A Millennial man: Okay.
…
Lacey: Okay.
Keep doing the thing where you copy my background.
Also keep copying the lighting.
And yes, you can even copy how I used to say things.
BUT! …Go quirkier. Make what you’re saying sound more quirky.
And…make the backgrounds softer.
Use my background…but go more Giorgio Beverly Hills 1980’s yellow striped box. And add silk. And…crepe.
The perfume community:
Why quirky?
Lacey: It’s cute.
I’m not actually cute.
Is June Cleaver…cute?
The perfume community: No.
Lacey: Yeah.
Actually be cute!
That’s not me. But it’s…like me…and it’s a timeless aesthetic.
The perfume community: So who are we imitating?
Lacey: Iman. Anna Bayle. Jerry Hall. Katoucha Niane. Gia Carangi.
Think…opulent…glamorous…1980’s model.
The perfume community: And we sound quirky?
Lacey: Yes.
Actually cute and quirky.
So I’d say, “It smells of hyacinth, wildly blooming under a starry summer night sky.” You should say instead, “It smells of blooming blue hued buds. You know the sort! BLUEBELLS! *Glorious twirl*”
The perfume community: Hmm.
We’re crazy.
Lacey: Why?
The perfume community: What the HELL were you trying to say?
Lacey’s neighbor: Isn’t she just an illiterate idiot?
That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
Don’t tell me she writes that way intentionally!?
Lacey: I do.
My response to the perfume community is: EXACTLY.
What am I saying?
The perfume community: You’re mocking us!
You were just mocking us. The whole time.
Lacey: No…but not no…-
I’m not mocking you. I’m mocking ALL Western Literature. For…hundreds of years.
It DEEPLY irritates me.
When I finished reading “Romeo and Juliet” I wanted to rip all of Shakespeare’s hair out.
*She laughs*
It’s very tongue in cheek. What I wrote. About perfume.
Except…overall I’m actually being serious.
Doesn’t the mental image of hyacinth…under a starry sky…in the summer…sound…awe-inspiring?
Yes. Obviously it does.
So then I’m coming back to that original point. That insult.
So I just mocked the way we talk. It’s so…vile. But…I’m also ruminating on the fact that…we desperately need to talk about how BEAUTIFUL nature really is! And…over thousands of years…apparently our best minds…can only come up with this… This canned way of saying things.
So really…I’m in grief. I’m completely in mourning.
I’m…resigned…to how AWFUL life is…and yet how beautiful it is. Which…is…wonderful and terrible. And that equates to…DEATH.
Ahh…death.
The perfume community: That’s not what I assumed.
It makes sense.
Because you consistently sounded the same. But…that’s not how I took it. Obviously?
So…describe Chanel No. 5, doing that thing.
Lacey: You can’t steal this.
But okay.
“ICONIC. Aldehydes…sweep past my nose. Into my head. I’m completely overwhelmed.
Rose? Is that a rose I smell? Yes.
How to describe the dangerous CHANEL NUMBER FIVE? I can’t. Not right now.
Oh well.
March on you Art Deco devotees. March on.”
Copy that.
You can’t.
You aren’t in mourning over Lem Billings. In 1879.
The perfume community: *Cries*
Okay.
Fine.
Lacey: Do you like the concept?
The perfume community: You’re like Stravinsky.
Lacey: Thank you.
I see what you mean.
The perfume community: I thought that would intimidate you.
Lacey: Saying I was like Stravinsky??? How!?
June: Ward and I talk like that, all of the time.
I just say it a bit differently.
Dr. Fea (?): People did use to talk that way.
A lot.
She’s also like Shel Silverstein.
And you’re like who?
The perfume community: I didn’t know that.
Dr. Fea: Okay.
Well, that’s why it’s not even close to intimidating.
The perfume community:
Dr. Fea (?): I wanna know more!!
A political person: Is he reading this blog?
The CIA: We’re going to find out.
We can’t tell right now.
Dr. Fea: So!
Lem.
You sleep with Lacey. Right away?
The CIA: *Laughs*
He’s not reading this.
Is he?
Lem: Yes. To be honest.
Dr. Fea: *Nods and smiles*
And you commit to her?
Lem: Yes.
Actually, what if he is!?
Yes. I do!
Dr. Fea: Huh.
And it’s not a mistake!?
Lem: No!
Dr. Fea: Why? You don’t follow Christ? Or you take issue with the interpretation we have?
Lem: We take umbrage with the current Christian interpretation of what’s really appropriate.
Dr. Fea: Huh.
Explain?
Lem: What if one of us dies?
We could die…within hours.
Hours of meeting each other.
Really.
We refuse to ruin our lives…-
It’s not that we don’t trust God. It’s that we know life is often HELL.
It shouldn’t be. For a decent number of people it’s not. But for us? It can be absolute HELL. In a matter of seconds.
So…we grab life by the horns. And make love.
And of course…finding each other alive, after making love…we decide to marry. And we’re relieved.
Dr. Fea: So in your minds…you’re constantly in war. All of the time.
Lem: Yeah. I guess so?
Maybe?
But that’s not how we think of it. To us it’s just…common sense.
Dr. Fea: Do you do that…with anyone else?
Lacey: Not really.
No.
Almost?
Harold Loeb and I see it that way. Maybe Elliott?
Dr. Fea: But it’s different with Lem?
Lem: Yes.
We’re a lot alike.
Dr. Fea: Why’d you make so many dumb photos?
Lem: I was following orders.
Why was I following orders? I didn’t see any reason not to. Why didn’t I see any reason not to? Because I was raised to get along with other men. At least to try to. And I wanted to be…a good sport. You know?
Jack insisted that me posing like that was hilarious. Hilarious and…kind of…fun. Lighthearted. Rebellious. Silly.
I didn’t realize…until I was almost dead…that it was…embarrassing. That it looked like I was a stupid, obsessive, pathetic dummy.
He tricked me. And after he died…people said, “Hey! Remember how Jack used to pose you? Remember how you said he used to make you do sexual poses?” And I agreed, because I remembered. And they said, thinking we were in love and that they were being open-minded and progressive, “Do another pose like that! For old times’ sake!”
So I did.
When I was almost dead…at about age 64…I had an epiphany. He was never my friend. I had been alone, my whole damn life. He didn’t care! NONE OF THEM DID.
And all those poses? Ha! He was mocking me. He was just trying to make me look dumb, and get a sexual thrill out of it. He liked men. In that way. He wanted sexual contact with me. And making me pose like that was a way of conquering me. Sexually.
I got nothing out of it-
Bobby (?): You didn’t have a desire for sexual gratification!!!
Lem: Go on?
Bobby (?): Oh nothing.
You just didn’t want sex. In that way.
The CIA: Have you tried to watch Lacey and Lem?
Bobby (?): Yes. Many times.
The CIA: How are you doing this, Bobby?
Bobby (?): Remote viewing. Using the demonic.
You know the drill.
The CIA: Okay.
So…you stalk them?
Bobby (?): I wouldn’t call it stalking.
The CIA: So you lay in bed…and close your eyes…and go into a meditative state. And then let your demon guides…bring you to a place where you can view their activities? And you do this…to observe them have sex?
Bobby: My demon guides are bad.
I don’t get a good picture of what’s going on.
I think they fight me off.
And my demons are kinda cheap.
Okay?
But…yeah?
The CIA: Why do you do that to yourself? Even with what you see…it must hurt.
Bobby (?): *Gets angry*
It is none of your business.
The CIA: Do you enjoy watching them?
Bobby (?): *Shifts uncomfortably*
I’m just…doing research.
The CIA: Research?
Bobby (?): Yes.
The CIA: For what?
Bobby (?): You don’t need to know!
The CIA: Are you writing a new book?
Bobby (?): Hey!
In another ten years…I’ll be dead too.
Just like Fern.
The CIA: So…-
So you’re prepping for death?
Bobby (?): *Looks caught.*
The CIA: Are you sure they’re okay with you watching?
Bobby (?): I’m sure they are not.
I have to do a lot of evil to get a good view.
The CIA: Bobby…I think you’d be a lot better off just figuring it out when you’re actually dead.
Bobby (?): *Thinks*
It makes me nervous.
I want to know.
The CIA: You’re also-
Why are you hurting yourself?
Bobby (?): He’s lying to her.
The CIA: Huh.
So…when they do what they do…you think he’s lying?
Bobby (?): Well…I haven’t figured out how yet.
But I think when he- Well, he’s faking it.
The CIA: Faking…it…physically.
Bobby (?): YES.
The CIA: Like…he’s getting…a fake arousal?
Bobby (?): Yes.
She’s not raping him.
I assumed that for a while.
But I can tell now. She’s not raping him.
But…he’s gay. So…
The CIA: So…it looks consensual?
Bobby (?): Yes.
But he’s gay.
So…
*He shrugs.*
I think…he’s faking it.
The CIA: How can he?
Bobby: He’s thinking of men.
Probably me!
Definitely me. Or Jack.
(The following is rated R)
Bobby (?): He’s thinking of me.
The CIA: When he’s inside her?
Bobby (?): Yeah!!!
The CIA: But he’s physically aroused by just looking at her.
Bobby (?): No.
He looks at her!
Yes.
He looks at her.
Okay!?
SO WHAT!?
The CIA: So…if he’s looking at her…and getting aroused…where’s the dude?
Bobby (?): He can’t see me.
I know that.
You’re not going to embarrass me that way. My demons have warned me they can’t tell I’m watching.
Okay!?!
Gosh you people are mean.
GROW-UP!
The CIA: Okay.
Bobby (?): So…yeah.
You’re right.
He does get aroused. By looking at her. IT SEEMS.
…IT SEEMS.
*He raises one eyebrow and laughs, like he’s on to something.*
But…I don’t think so!
*He laughs*
No way, man.
He’s thinking of me.
HE IS!
He’s thinking of me. Or JACK. …Duh.
Probably Jack.
The CIA: But he’s having so much genuine fun. He’s not a child being molested.
Remember?
He’s not a prostitute.
He’s an adult. And he’s doing this voluntarily.
And…he’s having a good time.
He’s actually enjoying himself.
Bobby (?): *Thinks.*
No.
No.
Because…-
He’s not…really interested in her.
The CIA: He’s not sleeping with anyone else.
Bobby (?): Who cares?
He’s being lazy.
And he’s obviously thinking of me. …Or Jack.
The CIA: Bobby!
He’s making love.
They’re very passionate.
You seriously think he’s can fake that? No way!
Has anyone you’ve ever been with been that convincing?
Bobby (?): No.
*He shrugs*
The CIA: So…-
I can tell he’s being real.
It’s real.
Bobby (?): No.
He’s not really doing it.
The CIA: No.
He is.
Bobby (?): NO.
I can’t let you fool me this way.
*They go at this for a while.*
Bobby (?): So what you’re saying…is that…a man can’t have an erection…staring at a woman…maintain the erection…into intercourse…with a woman….the whole time…and be the one calling the shots…and then mutually orgasm and scream in ecstasy…and be gay.
Right?
The CIA: Yes.
It’s not psychologically possible.
A gay man can’t actually stay aroused continuously through all of that. Not really.
Bobby: He doesn’t pause, either.
Okay.
Well.
The CIA: Yeah.
He’s not gay.
At least, not now.
Bobby (?): Huh.
Yeah.
You know…I really wonder though.
The CIA: Yeah.
Bobby (?): I mean…-
He’s obviously…orgasming.
But…-
The CIA: Yeah.
Bobby (?): Can you orgasm…and it doesn’t even mean anything?
Like…he’s a ghost!
Could ghosts be able to orgasm…and it’s just…nothing?
The CIA: I don’t know, obviously. I mean, I doubt it.
I really doubt it.
Actually, I’ll just say no.
Can you maybe…try to understand?
Bobby (?): Understand what?
The CIA: Bobby…I think they’re having a normal, monogamous, heterosexual relationship. And I think…there’s an afterlife.
Bobby (?): We don’t know if there’s really an afterlife.
The CIA: Well…not entirely true.
We’re pretty sure.
We have very strong suspicions, even scientifically, that there’s an afterlife.
Bobby (?): Okay.
Huh.
But then…-
Nah.
Let’s be honest. Lem is and was gay.
The CIA: And so…when you lay there…astral projecting yourself…you don’t see anything real?
Bobby (?): No.
It’s real.
The CIA: HOW!?
You just got done saying it isn’t.
Bobby (?): Okay.
No. It’s real.
…But…it also is not.
The CIA: How?
Bobby (?): Well…-
She’s sleeping with his ghost.
But…what’s a ghost?
Couldn’t a ghost be…just…a ghost?
The CIA: How? What’s that?
Bobby (?): Well…- *He laughs at them.*
It’s not a human. It’s…some sort of energy. But it has no…awareness. It’s not us. It’s just…energy.
The CIA: Okay.
Interesting thought.
So why is his energy having sex?
Bobby (?): *Thinks.*
The CIA: *waits*
Bobby: *Thinks*
*Thinks some more.*
*Thinks more.*
Well…-
The CIA: HUH.
Maybe…he wasn’t gay.
Could his energy…be having sex…with her…and yet tragically…he doesn’t even get to enjoy it?
Bobby (?): *Overwhelmed.*
The CIA: Yeah.
What a horrible thought!
Huh?
Bobby (?): Maybe he’s a Christian ghost.
The CIA: But then…how would this energy…not have any brain? There would have to be some kind of mechanism that alters his behavior. But yet…still maintains…him.
What could that be? It has to be…some sort of consciousness.
By the way, a billionaire is laughing at you.
I’m sorry.
Bobby (?): Whatever.
No.
But he could be a Christian.
The CIA: But how is he changing?
Bobby (?): He’s not.
He’s just…being toyed with?
No. I mean…outside forces are just altering him.
The CIA: So…why is he straight now?
But everything else is the same?
Bobby (?): Actually!
He’s DIFFERENT.
The CIA: Go on?
Bobby (?): He’s a lot smarter.
He’s more manly.
He’s…kind.
He’s sober.
He’s…-
He seems…so…- I mean, he’s intimidating.
I’m just being honest.
Why…is he not just a Christian version of himself?
The CIA: Why did that happen to him?
Bobby (?): As opposed to what?
The Gay Rights Movement isn’t that powerful.
The CIA: That’s not true!
Are you getting tired?
Bobby (?): Ha!
Well…-
No. I think the Gay Rights Movement isn’t that…powerful. In our heads.
The CIA: Not true.
And why would born again Christians affect him more?
Why not Islam?
Bobby (?): Islam…isn’t here.
The CIA: Huh.
So there aren’t many Muslims in America?
Bobby (?): No.
There are.
The CIA: So why? Why don’t they alter him? At all?
Bobby (?): Well…-
DAMMIT!
GOD DAMMIT.
The CIA: There aren’t many Muslims in America?
Bobby (?): FUCK.
Yes.
There are.
FUCK.
The CIA: Bobby…you said there weren’t.
Bobby (?): *Thinks*
There didn’t use to be.
I’m getting old.
The CIA: Yeah.
I think…ghosts exist.
Bobby (?): Huh.
I’m Chinese.
Did you know that?
The CIA: We’ve wondered.
Bobby (?): *Thinks.*
Lem might be…straight?
Lacey, do you know why that hurts me!?
Lacey: *Thinks*
Your dad?
Bobby (?): *Gets spooked.*
You’re both ASSHOLES!!
Lacey: No. We’re not.
It’s your dad?
Bobby (?): *Thinks*
Well…YEAH!
Lacey: Are you scared of New York City?
Bobby (?): Huh.
Lacey: You are!
Bobby (?): You’re a jerk.
Lacey: You’re thinking of your dad.
Bobby (?): Yeah.
Lacey: What about him?
Bobby (?): Well…-
*He thinks.*
Who shot em’?
Lacey: *She thinks.*
Some person who thinks he deserved to die.
Bobby (?): Okay.
Then they’ll shoot me too!
Lacey: Actually…they might.
No. I’m being honest with you.
They might.
Bobby (?): *Thinks*
Okay.
Lacey: Yeah.
You understand.
Bobby (?): It’s my whole family?
Lacey: Well…maybe not everyone.
But a lot of you.
Bobby (?): MAN!
What did I do?
Lacey: You’re just one of them.
It’s in your blood.
Get it?
Bobby (?): GROSS!
Lacey: Well…you loved your dad?
Bobby (?): Yeah.
Lacey: Then that’s not so gross.
Bobby (?): Why are you and Lem here!?
Lacey: Excellent question.
Bobby (?): *Looks confused*
It’s actually weird that you’re here with us.
Lacey: YEAH!
Bobby (?): It freaks me out!
Lacey: It’s some sort of mistake.
What are you so afraid of?
Bobby (?): I’m TERRIFIED.
Lacey: OF COURSE YOU ARE.
Bobby (?): *Rolls his eyes.*
Lacey: Why are you scared of New York City?
Bobby (?): It’s creepy out there.
Lacey: It is.
Is that why you use drugs?
Bobby (?): One of the reasons.
Lacey: Listen…don’t mind Lem and me.
Just ignore us.
In a way.
Bobby (?): Yeah.
That’s a good idea.
Probably safer.
You’re both kinda scary.
Lacey (?): Why are you afraid of New York City?
Bobby (?): It killed my dad.
Lacey: Yeah.
It did.
You’re right.
What exactly in New York City did it?
Bobby (?): The Jews?
Lacey: No!
Try again.
Bobby (?): The Irish?
Lacey: *She thinks.*
Not entirely wrong?
It’s something creepier.
Don’t normalize it.
Bobby (?): Drugs…
Lacey: Yeah.
You’re getting warmer.
Bobby (?): Did he upset a gang?
Lacey: Who controls the interstate highway system here?
Bobby (?): The mafia.
Lacey: Yeah.
Honestly? I think it was the dead.
Is there some mafia connection to the psychic realm?
Bobby (?): *Thinks*
The Italians!?!
Lacey: Maybe?
Could they both have done it? To call a truce?
Bobby (?): YEAH!
Lacey: Some entity called for it.
They had a seance.
And someone dead called for it.
I’m checking to see who.
*She checks*
It was a demonic entity. It looks like an animal.
They all…listen to that entity.
And…I’m sorry. But somehow he upset a group of dead immigrants.
Bobby (?): What!?
Lacey: Yes.
White.
In the 1800’s. To New York City.
It’s like I completely get it. But…I can’t consciously explain.
I can’t tell if they’re in the right or not.
But they were after blood!
Bobby (?): Where from?
Lacey: Italy.
The Netherlands?
No. It’s not my dad.
Umm…-
They’re…Irish too.
Tammany Hall?
Bobby (?): Why?
Lacey: Yeah.
Actually, it scares me too.
But I’m listening.
An Ancient Irish King: TELL HER THE TRUTH!!!
Tammany Hall: Your dad…stabbed us in the back.
I’m sorry.
He did.
Bobby (?): When?
Tammany Hall: 1968.
Ring a bell?
Bobby (?): When?!?
Tammany Hall: February. Look it up.
February through April.
He did something.
Bobby (?): When did they plan it?
Tammany Hall: In September 1967.
We’re ghosts.
We knew the compromises he’d make.
And we decided…if he did? We’ll kill em’. If he doesn’t? Well…we’ll be alright. Men can make mistakes.
The CIA: How would you have saved his life?
Tammany Hall: Talking everyone out of it.
We could, you know?
You’re underestimating us.
Bobby (?): So we ticked you off…personally?
Tammany Hall: In a way.
Your father had some offensive ideas about New York City.
And we came to the conclusion that it was indicative of his overall character.
Cheryl: Be more specific.
Tammany Hall: We can…try.
You’re familiar with an act…that was put into place…in…the 1900’s?
Bobby (?): No.
Tammany Hall: Well…it affected immigrant communities.
Elon Musk: What was wrong with it?
Tammany Hall: It wasn’t…popular. In 1968.
And Bobby wanted to demolish it. But…no. That’s not…- Well, we think he was a traitor.
He’s not a real Irishman. Not like Al Smith.
No.
Not like Al Smith.
We didn’t want your father…taking away our right to choose our destiny.
For our people.
Your family got so invested in the Irish people. Fine! But then…we own you. …Not the other way around.
You can’t use us.
No sir!
Bobby (?): What about the Italians?
Tammany Hall: Oh.
Well.
I guess they were angry too.
Bobby (?): Lem’s not straight.
*He cries*
Tammany Hall: We tried.
Bobby…you’re hearing the truth.
I’m sorry.
Keen to Cross the Pond 