Here’s Why It Works

Eric tries to explain why he thinks Lacey and Lem would be happily married, if she’d been born at the beginning of the 20th century.

Eric: Lacey photographs very badly. Lem photographed well.

He’s far more average looking than her.

Lacey never went clubbing, for real. The one time she was almost picked-up at a bar in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania the dude accidentally thought she was already in a committed relationship with another guy. She tried to explain that she didn’t want to do dirty dancing with him or make-out and he automatically assumed it was to stay faithful to another young man.

Lem, is…not…boring. At least, to her.

Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith.

She’s not able to twerk. Neither is Lem. But they’re sexy on the dance floor, together.

He’s tall. She’s actually quite voluptuous, but she’s petite.

Imagine Craig Kilborn dancing with a more petite and “skinny” Christina Hendricks. That’s them. Are Christina and Lacey ever really skinny? Mmm…? Maybe.

It’s attractive. They’re attractive together.

Listen to “Autumn Days” by Morunas.

He towers over her some. Holds her close. And she lets him, fully embrace her.

Jackie stood at a distance. So did Ethel. Lacey is…his.

But she just wasn’t there.

She finds him…unbelievably attractive. Irreplaceable. I think. And, that’s as it should be. The man captures the woman.

Listen to “Between the Bars” by Elliott Smith.

The energy of one of Lacey’s haters: Does he shock her, with sex?

Eric: So you’ve assumed she’s frigid?

The energy of one of Lacey’s haters: *Nods, smiling*

Eric: Hell no.

You’re sick.

I’m sorry.

Catholics in Minnesota: Don’t explain!

Don’t get sexual.

If you get sexual on this blog-

I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!!

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: *Laughing*

Umm…-

Do you consider it…illegal? Or just morally bankrupt?

Catholics in Minnesota: BOTH!!!

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: Okay!?

*The scoff*

What’s going to happen? She’s going to-

Catholics in Minnesota: I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS!!!

Is that too much to ask!?

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: I’m tired.

Do you have any idea how many hours I work!?

You seriously think…-

*They roll their eyes and walk-off*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Let me help.

You guys had sex!

*His audience in the past, cracks-up laughing.*

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: I used to like that show. And then I realized he was just a jerk.

Now…I wonder…

The energy of Craig Kilborn: *Nods, sadly*

Just pretend you’re on my show.

Lem: *Laughs*

She’s my wife.

The energy of Craig Kilborn: *Glares at Lem*

Lem: *Looks serious*

*crickets chirp*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: So you’re straight?

Lem: *Nods*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Where’d you two meet?

For real.

Lem: God!

*Covers his mouth*

*Starts laughing*

*Leans back in his chair*

*Crosses his arms*

You know where!

Craig Kilborn: *Laughs*

No. We don’t.

Lem: Fine.

*He whispers a swear word to God.*

Well, let’s just put it this way: It was arranged in Heaven.

Craig Kilborn: Ahh!

Yes.

Marriage.

*He cracks up laughing.*

Lacey: *Nods emphatically*

Lem: She was my wife, in Heaven.

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Man!

That must have been Hell, being gay all those years.

Lem: *Nods and laughs*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: She seems like a sophisticated lady. What happened?

Lem: She wanted to be born in the early 20th century, but she wasn’t able to be. Ask God! *He says, with some anger at God.*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Dude.

Okay!

You gotta be real with me. We both know you’re not gay. Ain’t no way.

What the hell was that like?

Lem: *Thinks for a moment*

I used to think of her. Often.

Craig Kilborn: *Blinks*

*Covers his mouth, slowly*

…

Catholics in Minnesota, interrupting: THIS IS THE PURE PRURIENT EVIL WE SPARRED YOU FROM FOR MONTHS!!