Your Buddy Arnold

Arnold: *Sees a ghost.*

*Laughs, poses. Smiles, for a photo. Clear mascara on point. Toner and moisturizer, working overtime.*

A child considering jumping off a bridge in India. Because they’re being held hostage. For Arnold’s roads.: Thankfully…I didn’t read the article, above.

*Jumps*

*Dies*

Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith.

Lacey: *Watches as his spirit races to Heaven.*

*A crowd gathers. For a few minutes.*

God: *Greets him.*

Arnold: That isn’t REAL.

And anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR AND A…EVIL BASTARD.

A new sick- A sick…EVIL VIRUS-

Lacey spread COVID.

*He shakes in a hot rage.*

SHE IS-

SHE MADE IT. …*He swallows*

SHE MADE THE DISEASE!!!

Lacey: Oh!!!

You think I’m that smart now?

Arnold: *Thinks*

The song plays.

Arnold: *Looks enraged*

I should put you in a concentration camp!

Lacey: How did I make the Covid virus?

I’m honestly flattered.

Fauci: She’s also my secret wife.

NEW BOOK!!

Lacey: How did I make the virus!?

Arnold: *Shakes in a rage*

That kid…should’ve lived. He’s never going to be able to now.

Lacey: He was losing his mind.

Arnold: That’s okay.

It’ll come back. Easy!

Lacey: No.

Your math is wrong.

How did I make the vaccine?

Arnold: *Looks confused*

Lacey: Oh! Sorry.

How did I make the virus?

Arnold: Well.

You-

*He thinks*

Lacey: I’m like…brilliant.

Arnold: Lem was gay!!!

Lacey: Not so fast.

How did I make the virus? If I’m dumb.

Arnold: *Thinks*

I should’ve shut-up.

Lacey: You have a temper?

Arnold: Yes.

Lacey: *Nods*

I didn’t make the virus.

Arnold: I know.

Lacey: You don’t see evidence for an afterlife?

Arnold: *Thinks*

I can’t.

Even if it’s true.

Lacey: Why?

Arnold: *Thinks*

I don’t want to be accountable. And…out of some actual empathy.

Lacey: That kid…chose to save his sanity.

India: I agree.