“I tried to poison Putin. It didn’t work.” says JFK smiling.
“Why are you smiling, Jack?” asks Lem.
“Who are you?” JFK asks him.
“I’m LEM!!” says Lem.
Jack looks at him, confused.
“So why are you smiling?” says Lem.
“I just smile. I smile. Why don’t you KNOW THAT!?” yells JFK.
“Because most people smile for a reason.” says Lem.
“I just smile. I’m always happy. I stay HAPPY.” says Jack.
“But you’re not living in reality.” says Lem.
“I do not comprehend.” says JFK, shrugging.
“Like you actually don’t comprehend?” asks Lem.
“NO. I don’t.” Jack says, sounding more like an actual retarded (mentally challenged) person than he usually does.
“So you’re mentally challenged?” asks Harvard of JFK.
“Not in any way scientific evidence suggests.” says Jack.
Later.
“So why did you reject Christ?” Skippy Handelman asks JFK.
“I didn’t. He knows that. I’m just…evil. So-“ says JFK smiling.
“By choice!?” says the CIA.
“Yup!” says JFK.
“So…you’re avoiding suffering in Purgatory?” says the CIA.
“YES!!!” yells JFK, in exasperation. Then he smiles.
Later.
A Russian spy looks at Lacey, makes eye-contact for a minute, and then nods kindly and walks off.
“Why are they watching her today, Jack?” asks the CIA.
“Because last night Putin had to convince her that she wasn’t right to rebel against God. In a part of her brain that had been sadistically trapped at three years old. Because she’s terrified of not being a Christian, and he understands that.” says Germany.
“It worked!” says Lacey.
“And I assisted him.” says Lem. “It was essentially like a lever in her brain. But he told her to do it.”
Later.
“Are we all doing it?” says the Illuminati.
“No. Not necessarily.” says Lem. “God knows either way.”
Later.
The Message by Grandmaster Flash plays.
Jack Kennedy twerks as the US cheers him on. Jimmy Fallon bounces butts with him. Giggling. Jack makes him twirl. Then they do a moonwalk together, both smiling.
They both smile for no reason. Dance together. Like happy medical retards.
3:41
“No! I care!” says Jimmy.
“Only sometimes. Which one counts?” says Lacey.
Jack dances. Twirls Jimmy Fallon again.
5:44
They moonwalk.
Jimmy looks scared. But it’s not necessarily real? Or is it?
The song ends.
Jump Around by House of Pain plays.
JFK carries Jimmy off to give him gay sex…he may or may not want…if Jimmy is truly just evil and rejecting Christ.
“I AM SMART!!” says JFK III.
That’s Kamala Harris. That’s Tim Walz.
And on the other side:
“Do you actually molest your children?” asks Lacey of JD Vance.
“We do do rituals.” says Usha. “But they don’t have any idea.”
Everybody Got Their Something by Nikka Costa plays.
Ethel dressed in a pleather suit leads the charge in a wheelchair. She’s pushed by Joan Walsh of MSNBC. Behind her is Usha Vance smiling widely, cheerfully, possibly genuinely excited to win. Behind that is Melania, rolling her eyes. Next to her is Bobby Kennedy Junior.
They walk in to the Russian mansion.
Bobby leads the way.
“HI!!” he says, cheerfully.
“Hello, Mr. Kennedy.” says the Russian butler.
“HEY! CHILL OUT! IT’S JUST A GIG, RIGHT!?” says Bobby.
“Mr. Kennedy take your hands off of me.” says the butler.
Guns are pointed at Bobby’s head.
Ethel erupts in loud, inappropriate laughter. “MAN! This will be a long day.” she says. Then she presses a button and zooms quickly down a hallway to the pole room.
“We won’t take long. The only thing we came for was to do the ritual.” says Melania.
Nikka What? by Nikka Costa plays as Bobby rips off his clothes. Today he was all velcro. He marches.
“I feel so DAMN GOOD TODAY!!” he yells, marching naked.
The song ends.
Ethel zooms off. It’s unclear where she’s going. Two Russian guards graciously chase her down.
They’ve done something to Ethel’s brain. It’s unclear what. She may be half conscious even though she looks fully conscious. And she’s also, obviously, aging.
The music stops. They all stand, waiting.
“The Tsar is not here today.” says a guard.
Ethel zooms by, chased by the guards who seem to be trying to corral her. She looks baffled. Increasingly baffled as she darts around corners. Searching for…something or somebody? Possibly her dead husband.
And at that the ghost of Bobby Kennedy Senior chases Ethel down, breathless and desperate looking. “ETHEL!” a disembodied male voice says. Bobby is in the hallway. But…his disembodied voice is actually in the pole room.
More Than A Woman by the Bee Gees plays.
Usha tries to dance sexy but Joan Walsh slaps her butt. The music fades slightly. Usha looks offended.
“Come on! Let’s go get snacks!” says Melania.
Usha seems determined to do something sexual. Even if it’s just dancing by herself sexually.
The song ends.
“I can’t have sex with you. PRESIDENT’S ORDERS!” says Bobby to Usha.
Joan Walsh and Melania go get snacks. No. Just literal pretzels.
Melania finds apple juice.
The song plays.
Bobby does a weird dance that looks like…he’s…building something? He’s building a bamboo pole?
Usha claps and starts jumping up and down like Charismatic Christians in worship services.
I Will Survive plays.
Bobby and Usha seem to be worshiping? It resembles a Charismatic Church service. But Bobby keeps building bamboo poles, seemingly.
Melania and Joan chat.
Ethel is put down for a nap.
Usha double high fives Bobby.
Stayin’ Alive (Serbian Mix) plays. It’s like the (Serban Mix except it’s filled with allusions to supposed Serbian folk music).
Bobby and Usha keep doing weird dances.
The song plays.
Now they’re dancing together.
But it’s still weird.
The song FINALLY ends.
Faithfully by Journey plays.
Bobby mimes voters in voting booths. As a dance. Usha does an interpretive dance.
The song plays.
The song ends.
Heartbreak Hotel plays.
Bobby shakes his head. Like his interpretation of a sort of 1950’s head-banging dancing.
Usha tries a 1960’s dance but it’s not quite right. And obviously doesn’t match the music. She tries to do the twist, slowly. But that doesn’t entirely work either.
The song ends. Bobby stops bobbing his head. Usha just looks confused and irritated.
Dick In A Box plays.
Bobby looks at Usha.
“I cannot…stop myself!” he says.
She screams bloody murder.
He grabs her.
She fights him off. Screams bloody murder even louder.
1:49
Melania races in and takes her shoe off a d starts almost killing Bobby with her heel.
The song ends.
I Like Boobs by Scuzz Twittly plays.
Joan Walsh walks in, slowly, eating cheese balls.
“What’s going on?” she says, genuinely confused. She laughs a haughty laugh.
A Place for My Head by Linkin Park plays.
The ghost of Chester Bennington manifests and yells in Bobby’s ears. Bobby can feel it. He saunters off. Holding his head.
“FUCK YOU!!” yells Bobby at Melania and Usha and Chester Bennington’s ghost.
The Russians escort them all out.
Lose Yourself by Eminem plays as they all sit in the Concorde. Yes. Billionaires in the US paid to have them all sent there. As a last ditch effort to create a normal US election.
Ethel sleeps this time. Hooked up to a saline solution.
3:39
4:00
The song ends.
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air plays.
“This song is PROOF that Lacey is A FAGGOT!” yells Bobby, drunk.
Melania looks at him, baffled.
The song ends.
(Rap) Superstar by Cypress Hill plays.
“She has no concept of social class. Mmkay!?” says Bobby.
Joan stands-up and randomly twerks. “THIS MY JAM!” she yells.
Ethel sleeps.
“DUDE! Why the fuck did you try to rape me?” Usha yells at Bobby.
He laughs, flirtatiously.
Boom by Bloodhound Gang plays.
Bobby tries to air guitar. But he’s bad at it in this case. He head bangs instead.
Everyone tries to ignore him. Joan is high. And she’s not in touch with them, in a way.
Bobby starts jumping.
1:53
“Bobby!! What are you doing!?” yells Melania.
He keeps jumping.
“Are you trying to down the plane?” asks a Secret Service agent.
2:44
He keeps jumping.
Bobby nods, open-mouthed. Lip-synchs.
Then he’s shot with something that knocks him out.
Xplosive by Dr. Dre plays.
And at that the plane blows-up.
Over a desolate part of Russia.
Ethel barely notices. How? It was designed to explode only a section of the plane. A parachute opens for Ethel, as she securely sleeps, strapped to the bed. The legs of the bed brace her fall quite nicely with the parachute. Melania and Joan also had parachutes. Usha is unaccounted for as of now. As is Bobby. Everyone else on the plane is accounted for as well.
The song ends for us.
“WHO DID THAT!?” yells the CIA.
There’s talk of buying another Concorde. Quickly.
Later.
Usha has not been found.
Joan is in critical condition.
Bobby…is high???
“What!? They strapped me to a bed!” says Bobby.
“Where are you Bobby?” asks the CIA.
“I have no idea!!” says Bobby, laughing.
Melania, being a trooper, seems fine. She’s already been picked up by another plane.
“WHERE IS USHA!??” screams JD.
Moments later.
“She’s not dead!! We trained her!” says Donald Trump.
Later.
They’re still searching for Usha.
Bobby…Ethel…Joan and Melania are accounted for.
The source of the bomb appears to be a mystery.
“Lacey…we hate that you can get over things.” says MSNBC. “So…you just stopped caring about Chris Hayes?”
“Yup.” says Lacey. “It just stopped making sense. After 2017. It just stopped making any sense.”
“Oh!” says a woman.
“So you thought he was Micheal Rockefeller?” says Jimmy Fallon.
“Possibly, yes.” says Lacey.
They are interrupted. Usha was found!!!
JD Vance collapses in tears on a sofa, drunk, miserable and yet relieved. It’s nearly impossible to tell what he’s saying. He keeps starring up at the ceiling every few words. …He almost seems like Mrs. Abraham Lincoln.
Apparently she was badly injured. Her body double may have to be used tonight. But she seems…better than Joan. Her arm was broken. And she has lacerations on her face. But she’s not terrible. …They found her in a wooded area.
“No. I just…got over him.” says Lacey. “It just didn’t make sense!”
“BUT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!” JFK comes through evp clearly through Chris Hayes’s physical voice box. Chris is also saying this.
“People do get over people!” says Chelsea Clinton.
“Chris…her authority is her authority. Stop trying to cleverly steal it.” says the CIA.
“Why are you…
Why did you even flirt with me?” says Lacey.
“Diego and I were sad. Okay? We…ran into a lot of problems. With our egos. …He was at my throat to be richer. And I was…so…weak.” says Chris Hayes.
“I just was inspired.” says Diego.
“I just hated her.” says Chris. “She’s so damn pretty! EEWW!”
“So! She’s a genius. And yet you all…are weirded out by her ability to move on?!? FROM HIM!? FROM HIS FAKE LOVE FOR HER!?” says a reader.
“Yes.” they admit.
“Not all of us!” says Helena.
“What…does Putin think?” asks a reader.
“He’s a good sport. He knows she’s in love with him. But…they’re kinda in love too. They’re just losers together.” says a billionaire in the US.
“He has other- What is Lacey to him?” says a hater.
“She’s ahh…
She’s with Lem! Really.
But they’re in love. Almost accidentally. And they’re soulmates. So…it’s rather difficult for them, under the conditions, to resist. He does have a wife or two…but they don’t…necessarily have a perfect relationship. And so…given the circumstances? *a woman shrugs* But…they both try to be…careful. Him far too much. It’s almost insulting to Lacey. But…one of his wives is very…jealous and possessive. …I think a lot of people need to grow-up! …There’s almost nothing that could be done.” says a Russian.
“Is he in love with his wife? The one who is jealous and possessive?” asks a man.
“YES!! …But she’s…difficult. And she knows that. And he’s difficult too. And he knows that. …And they are not soulmates. They just aren’t! …But…Lord willing they’ll be…fine. They love each other a lot.” says a Russian.
“See…Putin is a very romantic, deep man. And…in his search for meaning and purpose he allowed himself to fall in love with his soulmate. He would have allowed his wife to do the same. She just hasn’t found anyone…but…she might someday. She’s younger than him.” says a Russian.
The woman cries.
“But I would always love you!!” she says to Putin.
“Are you like that?” says Putin to Lacey.
“No I’m not. I am just not like that but is anyone really like that? Is it actually good for her to always love you that much? She might possibly! She might! But I wouldn’t want her to be trapped loving you after you died if she found someone who God had designed for her to be an actual soulmate.” says Lacey.
“I agree!” says Putin.
His wife smiles and laughs at him flirtatiously.
“Why aren’t you like that?” says Jack Schlossberg to Lacey.
“Ah…because I just don’t. I just- I’m not- I’m just not. I don’t really know. There’s there’s no explanation that I can think of right away. It could just be some sort of ahh- I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t think that it’s necessarily evil. I think I’m just not like that.” says Lacey. 
“So you can be cold as ice?” says Jack Schlossberg. 
“It’s not- It’s not cold as ice. It’s actually it’s actually a little bit less warm.” she says laughing.  “Because it’s not about being mean to people necessarily at all. Sometimes it can actually be about being loving.” 
Later.
“You know I’m just beneath you. I’m just not as like yeah in the in the current genetic social hierarchy I’m not as good of a person, and I might not even be as good of a person as you.” says a psychic to Lacey.
“Yeah and it bothers me that you are. I don’t like that for you but I guess it’s just the way it is.” says Lacey.
“I cannot receive that much love!” she says.
“You don’t have to but you know what you do need to do you little backward bitch is back the fuck off because that’s how I feel about you whether you fucking like it or not!” says Lacey. “I’m sorry it hurts your little shallow weak fucking ego. I can’t do anything about it you bimbo bitch!” says Lacey. 
“You thought you were going to get out of it? You can’t! You have to just accept that she’s actually is possibly superior to you, and you can’t make that go away that’s just reality.” says Lem.
“ I am so violently jealous of her because I have some vain dumb as fuck idea that if I’m jealous, it’ll make me better. I think I think if I’m jealous enough that someone will feel sorry for me or she’ll just die which is so fucking stupid because it is not going anywhere. It’s just violent and creepy evil so I kind of may have been one of the witches that just made that woman attack you, Lacey, is it really like bad that he prefers her even when she’s being evil?” says the psychic.
“ yes it is and I called him on it about a month or two ago maybe that was a while ago I called him out on it a while ago. He’s just been like him and I’m actually not one of them even though it seems like it does some people men like him, have a hard time because they tend to fall in love with women who are beneath them far beneath out and then they see some thing in those women that is both there and not there at the same time and the part that isn’t there hurts and then the part that is there is just less and so they’re kind of masochistic. It’s just a second just a tiny bit of masochism, which actually is not a good thing because you’re not really supposed to be you know mean to yourself that way or other people because then when you run into someone who’s a soulmate or your twin flame, if that’s how God organizes it you’re in trouble because they’re gonna be like you and they’re gonna need you to be yourself and be strong for yourself. I am God does want us to actually love ourselves it actually is somebody evil really do not love yourself. There is some evil in that believe it or not some people are doing it though because they don’t know any better and they are too hurt and confused or they’re in a horrific situation other people could choose to love themselves and they just are too vain or too conniving or in some psychotic way they’re just perversely evil and I am they just don’t love themselves, so no it was very mean to do that very mean to do that to her to Lacey but you know if you had any good intention or if it’s just getting too dark, I am it it it didn’t quite work because now we’re just getting an explanation for something horrifically wrong in the world especially at the current moment there are a lot of men who are like him not is there where does Mehdi when I was a life men were farmer, farmer interested in taking care of themselves, and frankly taken care of their families to they were just more interested maybe in surviving they just maybe they even had more to live for but they were very it was different or there was that they had more to live, for they were better people. It was different and so men would take care of themselves. They would take care of their families and you just didn’t do stuff like that you didn’t just you it was very shameful. It was very shameful to fall in love with a woman. Who is that far Venezia and if you think I’m making this up I’m not a Humphrey Bogart is in a lot of movies about this exact topic. Yes the Maltese falcon Yep and there are other films like that to you. Yes double indemnity I think that’s what it is or is it no that’s not it but it’s you know what I’m talking about the one with him can’t think of her name but she’s a famous actress and dumb there’s a lot of famous actresses but anyway she wears a honeysuckle perfume. Oh not Myrna Loy anyway that was number to Lawrie I can’t think of that actresses name or Lacey can’t we both cat but I am yeah anyway she wears a honeysuckle perfume and she thinks about murdering her husband, who Barbara Stanwyck, so Barbara Stanwyck is beneath what’s his name? Oh so I know his name is Lacey can’t remember his name at the top because I had a crush on him. He was just a very popular actor for a while but she was too. What was his name you can’t think of his name OK that’s interesting, yes she has slept with an actor. She slept with Van Johnson and she was so much involved with Alain DeLon it’s possible I started memorizing all the names of all the male actors because I knew that they were going to be a problem but they, but they really aren’t him what was his name but anyway so the bitch frankly, she may have done the same thing to me. Sincerely, she might’ve memorized all the female actress thinking now these women are trying to be a pro anyway so it’s not Montgomery Clift no no she keeps thinking he was in a television show like my three sons or something but anyway and she has some cash man wearing glasses in a children’s show. Anyway that’s in there she thinks that he’s not Pee-wee Herman but your they do look slightly similar. How do you think shoots now he’s going to think that I’m challenging him to seduce me and I’m not, he’s a brilliant actor, he really is anyway that was a shameful thing a lot of men in my generation, and Lacey‘s generation to be honest I like that we just never did stuff like that. It was very shameful. It is to her to you never go after a woman who is beneath you are you Roosevelt to be blunt dead but Elliot was such a free thinker. He was so sort of cavalier and daring that he didn’t really go along with convention even though he was conventional, he was conventional. He was commercially tractive, but he was very him. He was very much a free, a free spirit sort of and so as a man, so I kind of just did stuff you know, and anyway oh so they they so they they if that was not allowed you’d you didn’t go after a woman who was Vito beneath you morally socioeconomically of course most definitely, but you didn’t go after a woman who had bad character, or who had some sort of emotional problem, or who was dishonest, or who was manipulative or petty that was not allowed that was totally shameful, which is why a lot of women in that generation may be tried a little harder to be good people because potentially because they were so embarrassed, it was like oh you don’t do that that’s awful you know you can’t be so unattractive and icky and that was actually a very good thing you know we were called the greatest generation for a reason there’s nothing wrong with trying to get women to be better people and you know me in a good way and an edifying way and trying to get meant to be more accountable to God and taking care of themselves so in that way we have a hard time with what he’s doing right now I understand that she’s totally confused, and she is just trusting God and what we can’t quite handle is that you guys can’t handle that but also why why are you always doing this game with her because she’s just not like that she’s just a very nice woman and there’s no reason to do what keep throwing her misery in her face I I don’t you know it’s sad that he prefers that I guess in a way but you do at the same time I do exist. I really am a ghost and the truth is it’s possible that she’s actually been sleeping with me lately because she’s made it clear that she’s not really interested in being with anybody else so if something were to happen, it Hass to be me so it’s possible that, he’s been sleeping with his twin flame and I’ve been sleeping with her and then God‘s just been taking over the situation or is possible that they actually have slept together recently and that’s really up to God to sort through but as possible it’s just been me and that’s fine because the situation is like this.” says Lem.
“ so are they bullying her?” asks a reader.
“ kind of like elder abuse of a black woman who’s a sweetheart, and is very good-looking and endearing and brilliant? With a good heart? Well, she’s not black, but it’s easier to imagine of black women being like that unfortunately for white people. At least in America. What exactly is it that’s happening she’s being horrifically sadistically attacked by these people. they’re absolute monsters they’re absolute freaks of nature.
I am that being said, there are some people who have stronger consciences than others in Christ, who have tried or are trying to reign themselves in. They really have to be accountable to God ultimately for whatever the hell it is they think they’re doing.
What are they doing to her? Well know there they’re bullying her absolutely absolutely doing that. that being said, it’s not entirely that he he actually is her soulmate. Putin actually is her soulmate. Oh, that might be hard for you as a reader to comprehend, but Lacey comes from a very upper class old money, family that she was raised in, and she is unusual, and, she is not capable of being anything but that because that’s just who she is. And people are going to have to eventually figure that out but they’re completely bat shit crazy in how they conceive of her in their head. so she was fully capable of going to a very good school and graduating, and going to Russia as a spy of sorts, and then marrying him he may or may not cognitively understand that I think he could be in shock because it’s not some thing you expect to hear from people telepathically if there is an illuminati, I don’t think he’s quite processed that that’s what’s happening to him.
Because it is shocking to find a woman who really is your ideal physically and mentally and then you think she’s in love with me for the reasons that I want a woman to be in love with me for that’s absurd life has never been that easy. and then she’s 1,000,000 miles away he’s married, possibly secretly and for those women safety because he is very protective potentially he’s a very decent person and that way and so you know it’s a mess because you’re the deer man is living his life and then he finds a woman who is his soulmate, and then ask for it becomes perverted, and people are disgusting.
His wife is immature and from a very crap background to be blunt in Russia. And no, I think it does make a difference people so can’t blame that. Well, you know that’s the conventional logic that people have used, but I think when you’re raised in a better background, you are more prepared for things that could happen like that to you psychologically it’s it’s just part of how people are raised to just sort of anticipate things like that slightly. It’s in literature. It’s in the back of your head you just kind of know that something like that could happen. She was not prepared for that and so if she has some goodness in her it’s being defiled because she’s not processing it herself and fully understanding what’s happening and people who are hateful and people who are attacking Russia have probably aggravated her psychically to be more antagonistic and suspicious then she really should be for her own good. And see now she’s thinking that I’m coming onto her that is not remotely what’s happening with and that’s where she has a problem. Lacey is his soulmate and she’s better looking and better Brad and more intelligent than his wife and that’s not Lacey‘s problem, but that woman wants to make it Lacey‘s problem because that’s what all of you do Ginger Rogers was a brilliant dancer but she lived in her time and she did very well. If dancers today had to compete with her they wouldn’t give her any respect because you people have a very hard time with people who are superior to you you have a very hard time with that I was gonna say you take it way too personally.
Joe Putin is Lacey‘s soulmate. Lacey is very open minded about it because she’s a realistic person and I don’t think people wanna except that she’s not doing anything she was never doing anything they’re delusional they’re absolutely bat shit fucking crazy she has not come on to Vladimir Putin he has always come onto her. If she has come onto him it was fairy innocent, and, it was very innocent and I don’t think he can except that right now because he just had sex with his wife. It wasn’t satisfying and now he feels like an idiot.” says Lem.
“ Seay loan was trying to save you from this about a week or two ago and I don’t think you necessarily did the absolute wrong thing you were very helpful last night God used you but then you have to respect that.” says Dr. Billings to Tsar Putin.
“But she was in love with Diego!!” screams Chris Hayes.
“You know that was about 8 to 9 years ago Chris and it wasn’t even real it was a farce it was a tragic horrific farce!” explains the CIA,
“ I just think she’s icky now!” says Putin about Lacey.
“ you know she’s not though she’s superior to both you and your wife that’s where you’re a bit of a narcissistic idiot.” says Lem.
“ yeah I don’t look like you!” says Putin.
“ I know you really don’t you’re not 6 foot four you’re not as handsome as me but you are the ruler of Russia and I am a little worried about you right now. Are you losing your mind or are you OK?” says Lem.
“ no why can’t you just accept the fact that she’s sort of an aristocrat so one of your soulmates is an aristocrat very beautiful one you’re not married to her you care about each other she’s confused and trying to figure out what’s going on with her marriage she’s not asshole, but she’s not asshole I think you’re also starting to think she’s awful because of the stupid sickness thing that you’re involved in. No, she’s not just a thought.” says Lem.
Later.
Turns out Putin’s second wife somehow may have accidentally manifested Lacey into the Illuminati. She’s possibly very insecure in their bond. And she was essentially looking for all of his soulmates or whatnot to “cancel” them.
*Putin laughs*
She may be somewhat into witchcraft. And she may have been cursing an already extremely spiritually attacked woman, Lacey. …While her heart intent was…dark…it was also…one Lacey has sympathy for.
“So you really wanted to keep him? Or what?” says Lacey.
“Yeah.” she admits.
“Did you do it consciously or not?” says Lacey
“Not.” she says.
“So then did you even do it?” says Lacey.
“Mmm…yes.” says his second wife.
“Using witchcraft?” says Lem.
“Yes.” she says.
“Wow! …That was some effective witchcraft!” says Lacey.
“I’m very smart. And the witch was gifted.” she admits.
“WHEN WAS THIS!?” yells George Bush Senior.
“2012? …I was really jealous.” she says.
“Why…would you do that though? …See…I felt scared of losing Mark. And I tried to make that work. …Not that I used witchcraft…but…
The thing is though…he was a well-off actuary. So…I didn’t think…he was likely to be complicated enough to be problematic. And what I mean by that is, he was…fully aware of all of his options. He didn’t have deep, profoundly serious…internationally serious considerations. Not really. Not really. …He was dating other people, sure. But…it was so simple. Not simple really, but simple compared to dating a man who’s essentially a tsar. …His ability to counteract and control his end of things was intact. He wasn’t being bombarded by internal death threats, external death threats, etc.. …Why…would it make sense to be so…certain?” says Lacey.
“I agree!” says Tucker Carlson.
“I didn’t think it mattered.” she says.
“But why??” says Lacey.
“I guess…I just…felt…entitled?” she says.
Lacey thinks. “Because you were so desirable? So kind? So noble?” says Lacey. “WHY?”
“Noble.” she says.
“You’re a rich peasant. There’s nothing noble about you. You liar!“ says Lacey.
“Fine.” she says.
“So why?” says Lacey.
“Because he noticed me.” she says.
“He noticed a lot of women!” says Lacey.
“But he pursued me.” she says.
Lacey nods. “Do you feel secretly insecure?”
“Yes.” she admits.
“I don’t blame you. …But you’re happy?” says Lacey.
“Yes.” she says.
“Just…painfully insecure.” says Lacey.
“Yes.” she admits.
“So! You attacked me. …Look…honey…I’m just his soulmate! That’s all!! …LET IT GO. It’s just a part of God’s design. Stop being my pest!” says Lacey.
“But I’m with him, not you!” she says.
“BIG HAIRY DEAL!” says Lacey. “That’s his choice…and reality. OH WELL!”
“She’s right. I’m her soulmate.” says Louis.
“YUP. …Why can’t you handle this? It’s a little suspicious. Who are you working with?” asks Elliott Roosevelt.
“The Kennedys.” she says.
“I hate that it’s so ugly!” says Lacey. “I HATE IT.”
“Sweetie…she sleeps with me!!!” says Lem. “That’s why they’re doing this to you!”
“I just hate the thought…of him being with anyone else! EVER!” she says, crying.
“WONDERFUL! …If I was not with Lem…you might have a problem with me. But then again…you might not! …See…we are eternal beings in Christ. And…that’s the thing. That’s where a soulmate who you’re not with becomes relevant at all. Because there’s eternity. You might not want to be with him forever…or maybe you do. It’s FOREVER. For real FOREVER. …That’s incredible! …I’m with Lem forever. We have that much of a bond. But…it’s EXTREMELY SERIOUS! And I can’t give myself so…happily or thoroughly to anyone else. If there’s reincarnation I died over him, so to speak. I died when he died because I genuinely couldn’t stand life without him. …But even so…yes!! Vladimir Putin is that EXTRAORDINARY. He just is. He’s…RARE. So…you can’t…understand?? Why? I had to make sure! Things with Lem have been HELL.
So…I wanted to make sure! Because your Vladimir is…extraordinary. And he’s my soulmate. He literally…spoke something into my mind last night that almost nobody else could. He fixed a part of my brain. …But I genuinely hate that it hurts you. And I don’t want to harm your love. As psychotic as that probably sounds.” says Lacey.
“So you like him. Huh?” she says.
“She does. WHY WOULDN’T SHE!??” yells Lem.
“So…if you can get the Kennedys…to stop attacking me…maybe Lem will be able to fully help me. And you can have Vladimir all to yourself. …EVER THINK OF THAT!??” says Lacey.
“I might not have been okay with that.” says Tsar Putin.
“THEN WHAT YOU REAP…IS WHAT YOU SEWED!! You think I enjoyed watching you try to make love to Lacey? I’m INNOCENT!! …I really am! …And I understand your frustration with me! …You care. But…don’t keep getting us involved in ways we aren’t consenting to. IT’S ABHORRENT!!” says Lem. “We care. But we can’t be used as human bowling balls!!!”
Later.
Ethel has been flown to her home. She’s fine. Usha is doing remarkably well.
Bobby is claiming that he’s the spiritual reason independent voters are voting for Trump. He claims that his endorsement and his dance earlier in Putin’s pole room are the genuine reason why.
“I AM NOT DOING IT!” says Cheryl.
Someone just begged her to do something.
“No! I think it was Usha!” says JD, cheering for his wife. “ALL USHA!!”
Later.
CNN interviews a Hispanic man who accidentally channeled Diego Blue.
“She felt so awkward, Chris!!” says Diego. “But that man and I had a similar sense of humor! His girlfriend!? HA! I LOVE IT!”
“Diego…did he have a girlfriend!?” says Chris.
Diego laughs. “I think so. …Yes.” says Diego.
Later.
“Was the girlfriend MY WIFE!?” says Chris Hayes, half-jokingly.
“CHRIS! DEAD PEOPLE VOTING!?” jokes Diego.
Later.
“Landman?!” says Lacey. “Is that based on my family?”
“Yes!” says Jon Hamm.
“You know…it’s not an insult to us. I’m the roughneck. But I was actually also a multi-millionaire. I had never almost any oil money. …I was just a multi-millionaire.
But…that’s TEXAS. We’re from North Dakota.” says Harold Nesheim.
“Were you a gentleman?” asks Charlie Kirk.
Toddy thinks. “NO! Unless you think Lem was straight! …My mannerisms are enough like his…that you’d be baffled…if you met me. My family is perpetually shocked by how unschooled you are about us…We aren’t hicks.
But you know…you kinda have to be here! None of you have ever been here. Not really! …You’re just using your imaginations! …I wish you’d realize that!
My family actually worked with the writers of the show. …Just for fun! And I like the characters! They certainly aren’t me! …But I…like them.” says Toddy.
“Who do you relate more to?” asks Jon Hamm.
He thinks. “Nope!” he says, smirking while chewing on a toothpick.
Diego Blue laughs. “WE EXIST!” he says, laughing.
“Are you drunk?” Chris asks Diego.
“YUP!!” says Diego, laughing.
“That’s me!” says Toddy.
“Who are all of these people?” asks Anderson Cooper.
“Alright! Top left to right.
That’s me. I’m Harold. They called me Toddy. Gudrun. Aasne. Tonette, who’s real first name was Ingeborg but we called her Tonette. Halvor, called H.B.. Hans, Papa, Bennett, Mama, and Edward, who we called Ed.” says Toddy.
“What was your profession?” asks a pretty female journalist.
“I was a gentleman!” says Toddy laughing.
“You were a teacher!” she says.
“I taught my son how to farm!” says Toddy.
Jon Hamm laughs.
“I taught my son how to farm.” repeats Toddy less forcefully.
“What’s it like being dead?” says Jon Hamm.
“Not bad! You oughta try it sometime!” jokes Toddy.
“Joel would have fit in in your family!” says Donald Trump.
“Am I going to need a gun?” asks Lacey of Al Gore.
He laughs. Sighs.
“Shoot!” says Steve.
Nobody wants to answer.
“What did everyone do in your family, Lacey?” asks Diego.
“Toddy was a millionaire farmer. Gudrun was a housewife in Seattle. Aasne was also a housewife in Seattle. Tonette married a nut…but she was also a teacher. H.B. was an engineer and multi-millionaire investor. Hans was a fairly well-off businessman. Nils, the father was a farmer. Bennett was a milkman, but well off and his wife owned a dress shop. Gunhild, the mother, was a housewife but she also was a naturalist local midwife. She knew so many natural remedies! And she successfully helped deliver many babies in the area. Edward was the dentist.” says Lacey.
“Who was gay!?” yells a gay man..
“I was bisexual!” says someone in the family.
Tonette laughs. “It’s not something we wish to discuss. I’m sorry.”
“Yay!” says the Church of England. “YAY HOMOSEXUALITY!”
Lacey laughs.
“You were a milkman!?” says a gay man.
Bennett stares at him.
“Tonette. Edward. Me. Aasne. And H.B. in the 1960’s.” says Toddy.
“Who are these people!?” says a reader.
“I was very stoic!” says Tonette.
“And beautiful!” says her ex-husband, John Seay.
“I was…brilliant. …Some people thought I was insane!” says Ed.
“Were you all unusually intelligent?” says the reader.
“YES!” says God.
“I was tough as nails. Stoic. Very shrewd.” says Toddy.
“I was extremely charming, dahling!” says Aasne. “I was.”
“I was an ASS!” says H.B. laughing. “I was…very intelligent. …And most people found me abrasive.”
“He charmed me!” says H.B.’s wife, Orma.
He laughs pleasantly in response.
“You mean asshole? Not bossy bottom?” says a living gay man.
“I wasn’t a jerk. …But I was…harsh. …You know I meant an asshole!” says H.B..
“Gudrun was sweet. Pretty. Very polite. Smart. …Hans was serious. He smoked a lot. …Bennett was madly in love with his wife. Republican. Very smart.” says Lem.
“I AM HER FATHER!!!” yells Tom Banks.
Later.
“Why am I awake!?” yells Prince William.
“WE NEED YOU TO COME ON TO LACEY!” says Bobby.
“OKAY!????” says William.
He comes on to Lacey.
He calls Lem on the phone.
“How are you calling here!??” asks Lem, baffled.
“Ahh…mum. My mum.” says Prince William.
In shock, “I’M DEAD!!” says Lem. “HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS!?”
Later.
Lem gets another phone call. Prince William just hung-up last time.
“Hello?” he says.
“Hi. Is Lacey there?” says Prince William.
“No! And yet yes. …What are you doing?” says Lem.
“I’m…calling to talk about the election.” says Prince William.
Lem puts Lacey on the phone but listens in.
“Hello!” says Lacey.
“Hello.” says Will.
She waits.
“I’m…attracted to you.” says Will.
“Okay?” says Lacey.
“So…you…are…attractive.” says William.
“Wow! Thank you. …Have a good night.” says Lacey.
William clears his throat. “Wanna have sex?”
“NO! Absolutely not.” says Lacey.
Moments later.
“William…this isn’t funny. There’s no premise.” says Lem. “The British Royal Family would never have attacked my family randomly in such a psychotic, deeply offensive and violent way. EVER. …You don’t seem to understand the history of this country or our family at all. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!??” yells Lem.
“Bobby told me to come on to your wife.” says Prince William. “It’s scary to challenge him.”
“William! You can’t do that!!! …I’ve either been adopted by your family…or I am in your family.” says Lem.
“He’s in our family regardless.” says Princess Diana.
“Sorry.” says William.
“It’s just weird, William.” says Lem.
“I’m not ugly.” says Lacey.
“No. But it’s just…I don’t think…I like you.” says Will.
“Oh! You are attracted.” says Lem. “Well…I suppose I have good tastes!”
“Is she my great great grandmother!?” asks Will, in fear.
“No!” says Lem. “Our daughter does look like your great grandmother a lot. But…that’s…not your great grandmother. It’s complicated. Your great grandma might have been protecting her. But they are in fact not the same person. We’ve hesitated to tell Lacey that. Because Lacey loves your great grandmother. And we would have loved to be her parents, regardless. …But no!
Lacey is your grandma’s friend though.” says Lem.
William sighs. Relieved. “Look! If we are family…I’m sorry!”
“It’s alright.” says Lem. “REGARDLESS!”
“WHAT HAPPENED!?” says Lacey to Bobby. “Why did you get angry?”
“He’s NOT supposed to win!” says Bobby.
“Why?” says Lacey.
“My mom…flew through the air. Landed, amazingly, safely on the ground. No injuries. …I expected however, that she’d be of more metaphysical value.” says Bobby.
“What if she’s a Trump supporter?” says Lacey.
“She could be.” says Kerry Kennedy.
“Then I’d have to think…that she may have done Kamala dirty.” says a dead man.
“She’s fast asleep.” says Kerry.
“She NEVER EVEN SLEPT WITH HIM!” yells Bobby.
“Who!? Your father or President Putin?” says a reader.
“PRESIDENT PUTIN!” says Bobby.
Later.
“I hope Joel is happy.” Lacey says to Donald Trump. “Congratulations!” she says. “By the way.” It’s around 10:30 or so.
Later.
“So! Chris. Here’s what I did.
The Message by Grandmaster Flash plays.
I found a guy named Alex. From a Hispanic family in Miami. Who claimed to have ties to Cuban aristocracy. ….And he did.
In Miami he was…from a wealthy family. They owned five car dealerships. In the Miami area. Had owned other businesses for decades. …Handsome, smart, strong man. Sexy!! …And we just…blasted him. …For no damn good reason whatsoever…other than his innate self-confidence. …WHY!? Why does that make sense!???
IT DOESN’T!! But that’s what we did!!!
He’d not be Old Money, necessarily. …But he’d be hot, dark and rich. WHY!?! …WHY!?” says Diego. “And maybe he’d be Old Money. …But my point is…he’d not be someone to just randomly pick on.
If we’d picked on him…we’d have had a repeat of the Dust Bowl years. Literally. So many droughts and so much literal dust. …And tons of fires. Every single year! …WHY DID YOU DO THIS!??” says Diego. “I did it to end the world. Why did you?”
“Why is that!?” asks a reader.
“It’s an authority thing. An authority over the Earth type of thing. …Alex’s family and her family have a lot of actual authority. Chris…he isn’t smug. And if he is…you should have told him that! Not gone along with me.” says Diego.
“What would have happened if he’d been poor!?” says a reader.
“I’d have outed him as a fraud. He’d have walked off with his tail between his legs…baffled. He’d have felt sorry for himself. …Maybe something really creepy and random and weird would have happened. Like one thing. Just one. …And for that reason…I’d have never thought of bothering him. …I truly wanted to end the world.” says Diego.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
You must be logged in to post a comment.