Author Archives: L.

Eric tries to explain why he thinks Lacey and Lem would be happily married, if she’d been born at the beginning of the 20th century.

Eric: Lacey photographs very badly. Lem photographed well.

He’s far more average looking than her.

Lacey never went clubbing, for real. The one time she was almost picked-up at a bar in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania the dude accidentally thought she was already in a committed relationship with another guy. She tried to explain that she didn’t want to do dirty dancing with him or make-out and he automatically assumed it was to stay faithful to another young man.

Lem, is…not…boring. At least, to her.

Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith.

She’s not able to twerk. Neither is Lem. But they’re sexy on the dance floor, together.

He’s tall. She’s actually quite voluptuous, but she’s petite.

Imagine Craig Kilborn dancing with a more petite and “skinny” Christina Hendricks. That’s them. Are Christina and Lacey ever really skinny? Mmm…? Maybe.

It’s attractive. They’re attractive together.

Listen to “Autumn Days” by Morunas.

He towers over her some. Holds her close. And she lets him, fully embrace her.

Jackie stood at a distance. So did Ethel. Lacey is…his.

But she just wasn’t there.

She finds him…unbelievably attractive. Irreplaceable. I think. And, that’s as it should be. The man captures the woman.

Listen to “Between the Bars” by Elliott Smith.

The energy of one of Lacey’s haters: Does he shock her, with sex?

Eric: So you’ve assumed she’s frigid?

The energy of one of Lacey’s haters: *Nods, smiling*

Eric: Hell no.

You’re sick.

I’m sorry.

Catholics in Minnesota: Don’t explain!

Don’t get sexual.

If you get sexual on this blog-

I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!!

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: *Laughing*

Umm…-

Do you consider it…illegal? Or just morally bankrupt?

Catholics in Minnesota: BOTH!!!

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: Okay!?

*The scoff*

What’s going to happen? She’s going to-

Catholics in Minnesota: I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS!!!

Is that too much to ask!?

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: I’m tired.

Do you have any idea how many hours I work!?

You seriously think…-

*They roll their eyes and walk-off*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Let me help.

You guys had sex!

*His audience in the past, cracks-up laughing.*

The energy of the Saint Paul Police: I used to like that show. And then I realized he was just a jerk.

Now…I wonder…

The energy of Craig Kilborn: *Nods, sadly*

Just pretend you’re on my show.

Lem: *Laughs*

She’s my wife.

The energy of Craig Kilborn: *Glares at Lem*

Lem: *Looks serious*

*crickets chirp*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: So you’re straight?

Lem: *Nods*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Where’d you two meet?

For real.

Lem: God!

*Covers his mouth*

*Starts laughing*

*Leans back in his chair*

*Crosses his arms*

You know where!

Craig Kilborn: *Laughs*

No. We don’t.

Lem: Fine.

*He whispers a swear word to God.*

Well, let’s just put it this way: It was arranged in Heaven.

Craig Kilborn: Ahh!

Yes.

Marriage.

*He cracks up laughing.*

Lacey: *Nods emphatically*

Lem: She was my wife, in Heaven.

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Man!

That must have been Hell, being gay all those years.

Lem: *Nods and laughs*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: She seems like a sophisticated lady. What happened?

Lem: She wanted to be born in the early 20th century, but she wasn’t able to be. Ask God! *He says, with some anger at God.*

The energy of Craig Kilborn: Dude.

Okay!

You gotta be real with me. We both know you’re not gay. Ain’t no way.

What the hell was that like?

Lem: *Thinks for a moment*

I used to think of her. Often.

Craig Kilborn: *Blinks*

*Covers his mouth, slowly*

…

Catholics in Minnesota, interrupting: THIS IS THE PURE PRURIENT EVIL WE SPARRED YOU FROM FOR MONTHS!!

…

Lem: *Laughs with Lacey at Catholics in Minnesota.*

Craig Kilborn: So you two have the Catholic Church on your asses?

Lem: *Nods*

I made a horrific mistake.

Craig: Huh.

…

Catholics in Minnesota: YOU SURE DID! YOU SURE DID, LEM!

Lacey: *Cracks-up, lovingly laughing at them*

Catholics in Minnesota: Why are you laughing? *They say to Lacey.*

Lacey: You remind me of me. Or something. It cracks me up!!

Catholics in Minnesota: *Try to cast demon out of her for saying that.*

YOU ARE THEOLOGICALLY OFF-BASE!!

Lacey: AHHH!! HERE COMES THE SWORD OF CHRIST!!!!

*She says, mocking them.*

*She laughs*

HAVE YOU A CHARIOT!? AND A FLAMING BIBLE!!?

Catholic Christians in Minnesota to “Catholics in Minnesota”: Please stop!!

…

Craig Kilborn: Do you two have sex?

…

Lacey: Are you going to go after him too? With a flaming Bible?

Minnesota Catholics: He’s not violation of anything.

Lacey: HOW!?

Minnesota Catholics: *Panic*

You’re a DEMON WORSHIPPER!!!

Lacey: You’re really that dumb?

Minnesota Catholics: *Think*

You’re right. I’m the one who’s being evil.

Lacey: What’s WRONG WITH YOU!?

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL!? *She shrieks*

Minnesota Catholics: I’m not going to Hell.

Lacey: Says who!? YOU!? Oh THAT’S RICH!!! WHO ARE YOU!?

Minnesota Catholics: I’m a demon.

Lacey: NO!

I’ve seen you be this way! IN PERSON.

Minnesota Catholics: You’re A BITCH!!

Lacey: Ha! No. I just don’t want you going to HELL.

Minnesota Catholics: I’m not going to Hell.

Lacey: BASED ON WHAT!?

YOUR ASS!?

Minnesota Catholics: *Think*

I take the HOLY Communion.

Lacey: HA!

With a clean conscience!?

Minnesota Catholics: *Think*

Why are you so Irish?

Lacey: I’m not.

If I’m Celtic at all, it Scottish.

Minnesota Catholics: You scare me. I’m worried we can reincarnate.

And if we can…DAMN! You’re all hell and brimstone.

Lacey: HA!

So you don’t give a shit!?

Minnesota Catholics: No. I do.

Lacey: Huh.

Only to be an asshole. Huh? Not when it comes to being accountable to God, yourselves?

Minnesota Catholics: You’re too pretty.

Lacey: For what?

Minnesota Catholics: For the priesthood. Chill out.

Lacey: Oh!

So you’re a misogynistic idiot. And a coward too. And an anti-intellectual fool.

Minnesota Catholics: We kicked you out of our schools. Was that a felony?

Lacey: Yes.

Did you research me on Instagram?

Minnesota Catholics: Yes.

Lacey: *Nods*

And then you found reason to believe you should attack me?

Catholics in Minnesota: Yes.

Lacey: Huh.

Yeah…someone committed an actual felony. Because you were very cruel to me. You bullied my whole family.

Catholics in Minnesota: You’re Jews!

Lacey: No. We’re not.

You can’t put that on me.

Catholics in Minnesota: *Looks upset*

Lacey: I’m not anti-Semitic. But I’m not a Jew.

Catholics in Minnesota: *Look disturbed*

Lacey: So you think it’s fine to bully Jews?

Catholics in Minnesota: *Begin to cry*

Lacey: How much have you done to protect the Hispanics? In Minnesota?

Catholics in Minnesota: FUCK YOU!

Lacey: Well…how much?

Catholics in Minnesota: Not enough.

Lacey: *Looks guilty*

I’d feel guilty too, except I can’t do much. It’s not safe.

Catholics in Minnesota: You’ve done enough!

Lacey: Are you implying I’m responsible!?

*She laughs.*

Catholics in Minnesota: Yes?

Are you?

Lacey: WOW!

Are you illiterate? *She asks with some concern*

Catholics in Minnesota: Maybe?

Lacey: Shouldn’t it be obvious I’m not!?

Catholics in Minnesota: We snubbed you. And your daughter.

Lacey: I’m not. If I am God has my sincerest…

The energy of a Nazi: WAIT WHAT!?

Sincerest?!?

Lacey: I can’t discuss this, so…carelessly.

…

Craig Kilborn: Well…-

Lem: Yes! She’s my wife.

Eric: Lacey.

Everyone thinks they know him. You actually do, in my opinion. You actually know Lem.

Can you PLEASE explain what THE HELL is happening in this photo. Be TOTALLY honest.

The energy of Jim (Lacey’s dad who raised her): I don’t think we need to know everything. Okay?

Lacey: Lem is a ham.

He likes to “ham it up”.

Do you know that saying? To “ham it up”?

Eric: Yes.

Lacey: He was a huge ham. He likes to be really silly sometimes.

I mean, he’s an extraordinarily intelligent man. Very sensitive. But he loves being…a ham.

Eric: Go on?

Lacey: …I think he’s embarrassing himself, by accident, in this photo. Probably in this moment. He’s a very well-bred, sophisticated…elegant person. Very…intelligent. …But I think he got taken advantage of, by “mean girls” so to speak, and actually genuinely embarrassed himself.

Eric: *Thinking*

He was a man?

Lacey: Yes. Completely.

Eric: What happened?

You can guess. It’s cool.

Lacey: *Feels like crying*

*Has to gain her composure.*

I think the Kennedys used to make fun of him. Not for being gay. For just being him.

And it didn’t entirely make sense, becauseq he was so intelligent. He really was.

He was…such an intelligent person!

*Fights to keep her composure.*

He…probably was trying to impress someone. And trying to be funny. And trying to be…happy. When he was…angry, sad, and mystified.

Eric: Yeah!

So what actually happened?

Lacey: This is actually very difficult for me to talk about. But I’m trying.

Let’s see.

He…was hosting a dinner party? For a small group of friends. At his house. In Manhattan. Probably in the late 1970’s or very early 1980’s.

He got drunk. Not high.

And he wanted to weep, fall apart, and shoot himself in the head. Just die, you know?

And instead, he…started trying to engage with his guests. Really, connect with them. Ask them questions about themselves, about their lives. Stuff like that.

And things got carried away.

He started talking about JFK, and his family. Because they were fans of the Kennedy family. Like, actual fans. Like it was a television show.

And they wanted to take a photo of him, in “the chair”. I think that’s a chair JFK owned and used. Was it upholstered by Jackie Kennedy?

He…was…kinda uncomfortable? Like…not…completely okay with it? But…he knew they were fans. And he was such a sweetheart. Such a really nice person. Such a cool dude. Yes, men like that do and did exist.

Anyway, he…went too far, for himself. But he was drunk. And…he wanted to bring joy and happiness and…happiness, to his guests.

Eric: Go on?

Lacey: He…posed in a sexual way…reminiscent of “JFK’s poses”. The way Jack Kennedy used to ask him…to pose.

And…it made him feel even more like absolute crud.

He tried to be…a good sport.

Eric: Did they…invent the pose? Or did he?

Lacey: I think…they both did. I think, he knew what kind of pose they were going for? And they had been talking about the chair. At dinner. In awe. …Maybe they were really in awe of Jackie Kennedy.

So, he suggested the chair. They suggested the pose. Like, his physical pose. The gay…1980’s…exotic dancer aesthetic. …And then, they also thought he should hold a glass of champagne up in the air, because they felt the Kennedys were really classy. Like, so impressive! Just like Jackie Kennedy. …And they wanted him to embody the…class of that family.

He didn’t…agree with them. He felt the family was…kinda…bourgeois? To be honest. But…he wanted to be obliging. Because he cared about the American people. He cared about America. And he believed in the American…idea. The “dream” maybe?

So…he did the champagne and the…gay-man-at-a-dance-club thing.

What was his idea?

*Lacey thinks*

That he would be thoughtful. Kind of…thoughtful looking? Like he was a real “thinking man”. …Sort of deep, almost.

Eric: Some people are laughing, but I genuinely see what you mean.

Lacey: YES!

That’s very possibly the reference he was making.

But, even though he was heterosexual, he was trying to be gay. So…he tried to make the pose seem…gay. Gay as opposed to…Emperor Constantine.

See…Constantine looks sexually satisfied. Lem does not. He looks pathetic.

Now, why…would he…suggest “thinking” is gay?

*Lacey thinks*

Eric: A lot of jealous, hateful people wanna make this about you. Like, you were his ex-wife and you were bad in bed. I know that’s complete bullshit.

Do you think we should address that right now or no?

Lacey: I need to think. I can’t give a real explanation, on the fly. That’s ABSURD.

So there’s really a choice for them. Do they want to know more about what really happened or do they want to hear me go on and on about my innocence? And yes, it’s real.

Eric: I choose real answers. And I’m the one asking the questions.

Lacey: Okay.

Because…he thought it was gay. *Cringes* Yes! Not at all because he was homophobic in any way we recognize today. Necessarily.

More like he was…the sort of dude…who likes action. Like…doing stuff. And just sitting around and thinking was “gay stuff”.

And maybe he was…a feminist who believed that women were better off without men. Or worried they were. …But I think it’s more that he believed that…somehow “it all made sense”.

He was a thinker. Yes. But I’m much more of a thinker.

I’m not necessarily smarter than him. I’m just…more of a thinker. Inherently. I LOVE thinking. I LOVE to think. Action…often completely bores me. And I have to be forced to do stuff.

Eric: Yes! We have that in common.

So…do you think he’s gay at all? Like bisexual?

Lacey: *Thinks*

No. He’s…CLEARLY not gay. Clearly not bisexual either. CLEARLY.

It’s VERY irritating to me that people can’t see it. EXTREMELY irritating.

Eric: Me too!!!

*He laughs*

Lacey: I’m not…sure…why they can’t see it. It’s CREEPY.

Eric: Yeah.

Actually, let’s talk about that.

*He’s busy. Needs a moment.*

*Later.*

It’s not eugenics…but…it is. …Some eugenics are rubbish, but other forms of eugenics are actually very much rooted in genetics and observations made over centuries.

So like, knowing height makes a better basketball player is eugenics. Rugby players have a certain look as well. That’s all good and well, mostly. It’s when you start to morally characterize the humanity of the individual, in groups, that you run into a fault line, i.e. “Jews are bad.” or “Men with small eyes are bad.”

Jim: What about, “Russians are evil.”

Eric: *Laughs*

I think…-

It’s complicated, on that level.

Because…maybe they are. Okay? Maybe they are. AND YET, no they absolutely are not.

The answer to that question depends on your perspective. It depends on your current vantage point.

One moment you’re in Russia and you’re…in awe of their dexterity. The next moment you’re in Ukraine, realizing that they’re genuinely suffering.

*He shrugs*

Jim: Do you believe in all this reincarnation stuff?

Eric: Yes.

Sorry?

*He winces*

Sorry.

Jim: I’m curious. Why?

We don’t need reincarnation for our salvation.

Eric: You’re absolutely right.

It’s not about that for me. I’m an intellectual too, Jim.

Jim: Where?

Eric: In Bible?

Jim: YES!

Eric: You know I’m going to reference Melchizedek.

*He laughs*

We can also discuss how Jesus describes John the Baptist as being the prophet Elijah.

A lot of people get VERY upset by this conversation. And I completely understand.

But those are my most…”off the top of my head” references.b

*Later*

The energy of a gay man in America: LEM WAS GAY!

I’m SURE.

Lem: Why don’t you want to let me be? I wasn’t.

The energy of a gay man in America: I find you SEXY.

I mean…hot DAMN!

What a body.

Does Lacey appreciate you the way I can?

Lem: Better.

The energy of a gay man in America: I’m jealous of her. I don’t want her to enjoy sex. Or love. AT ALL!!!!

FUCK YOU, LACEY!!! FUCK YOU!!!

Lem: I’m sorry. I definitely gave you all the wrong idea.

It’s my fault.

But I really wasn’t gay.

Sorry!

A bisexual woman (?): Then I can’t be a bisexual. Because I’m not losing.

When Constantine was gay…I felt safe.

The possible Illuminati: But he never really was.

Think about it.

The ghost of Charlie Kirk: I was bisexual.

Does that help? My ex-wife (?) still is.

The bisexual woman: No.

Because…I don’t want to get shot.

The ghost of Charlie Kirk: Okay?

Eric: Ummm-

I’m bisexual.

*He laughs*

Plot twist, there’s not a single problem, in the whole universe…with Lem being straight.

*He freaks out*