Author Archives: L.

“Lacey you’re supposed to pick one man.” says Rupert Brooke.

“Yes. I know. But I can’t figure how.” says Lacey.

He thinks.

“I’m pretty sure you’re with Lem.” he says.

“Yes!

But I still don’t understand this.” says Lacey.

“Do you know why you’re with Lem?” asks Rupert Brooke.

“No. But I’m glad I am, if I am.” says Lacey.

“So what’s so troubling about picking a man?” asks Rupert Brooke.

“Well…what’s it based on?” asks Lacey.

“Love.” says Rupert Brooke.

“Yes.

But…when I love men they hate me.” says Lacey. “And then I end up with no one.”

“Well…Lem doesn’t.” says Rupert.

“Oh. It certainly has seemed otherwise.” says Lacey.

“That’s a mistake.” says Rupert.

“Is it?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!!” says Rupert.

She waits.

“I’m very middle class compared to you.” Rupert says to Lacey.

“Can we talk or is it too frustrating to you?” asks Lacey.

He laughs. “No. I’m not an idiot.”

“Well.” says Lacey.

“So…I highly suspect Lem isn’t the only man who actually hasn’t rejected you.” says Rupert.

“Oh?” says Lacey.

“No.

List off the reasons. I know with Lem it was made as obscure and complicated as possible to make you confused. But what happened with other people?” asks Rupert Brooke.

“With Louis it was that he slept with his second wife.

With Harold it was similar. Except it was Brett Ashley.

With Elliott it was Faye Emerson and Patricia.

With…Joe Jr. it was Pat.

With…Joe it was Janet.

With…Michael it was some…woman he met in Purgatory.

With Skippy it was also some woman.” says Lacey.

“Does that always happen to you?” asks Rupert.

“Yes. It’s extremely creepy.” says Lacey.

“And you know…what enrages me…is that they’re all hideous compared to you.” says Rupert Brooke.

“Yes!! My gosh.” says Lacey, smiling.

“Wow. That’s astounding.” says Rupert.

“Why…are they…so attached?” says Lacey.

“Is it an attachment?” asks Rupert.

“I don’t even know.” says Lacey. She thinks. “But I’d have to wonder.”

“We could have been friends. If there’s reincarnation.” says Rupert Brooke.

Lacey smiles.

“Are they attached?” asks Rupert.

“Eww!” says Lacey. “What is it?”

He thinks. “It’s love.”

“Mmm. Yes!

But then what in Hell am I doing with them!?” says Lacey.

“I see what you mean!” he says.

She pours tea and eats pineapple and fudge.

“I think you’re their soulmate.” says Rupert, drinking tea.

“Even now!?” says Lacey.

“Yes!!” says Rupert. “That’s the thing with being dead. And in Purgatory. Should it exist.”

“Makes sense.

So there’s a narrow margin of possibility.” says Lacey.

Rupert looks sickened. “Yes.”

“Right. So…I’m supposed to pathetically grovel for their love?” says Lacey.

Rupert laughs. “Yes.”

“Yes. Maybe.

Well..I refuse to do that. That’s perverse.” says Lacey.

Rupert laughs. “Yes! It’s extremely, extremely…perverse.

Yes. It’s perverse.” He eats a bit of jam on toast with his tea.

“Well…why don’t they know that?” asks Lacey.

“How painful has that been?” asks Rupert.

“Unspeakably.” says Lacey.

“Who’s the dumbest and most heartbreaking?” asks Rupert.

“Louis.

His wife is ugly.

And Elliott is a close second because Faye was overblown and she’s very shrill and bitchy. She’s obnoxious.

But Harold is annoying. And weird.

And…Michael is dumb as rocks.

And Skippy is a beyond huge loser.

And I would rather be with you and have tea and no physical sex for eternity than be with the Kennedys. I wish them well but I can’t stand them.” says Lacey.

“Don’t worry God wouldn’t send you to Hell and make you be with any of the Kennedys.” says Rupert Brooke.

She eats toast with jam and butter.

“Do you think those women are lovable?” asks Rupert.

“No. They’re like- They’re more annoying than demons.” says Lacey.

“I agree.” says Rupert.

Lacey eats her toast with jam and butter.

“But they love them!” says Rupert. “They’re not at all faithful. …And I think they’d rather be with you or someone else. But…they’re in love.”

“With WHAT!?” says Lacey.

“Louis’s first wife is a…very clever woman.” says Rupert Brooke.

“More than me?” asks Lacey.

Rupert smiles. “Yes!”

“How!?” asks Lacey.

He laughs. Pours more tea. “She’s an absolute idiot.

But…she knows how to make people do what she wants.”

“Because she’s so lowly.” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Rupert, laughing.

“Then why would he prefer that?” asks Lacey.

Rupert thinks. “He likes her lowliness.”

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“I think he thinks it’s aesthetically pleasing.” says Rupert.

“What part!?” asks Lacey.

“It’s not something we would like.” says Rupert.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

Rupert looks disturbed. “Think bad pizza. In downtown Saint Paul. On a Friday night. With a wife in an expensive suit. Cold beer. Cold soda on ice. And…karaoke.”

“And she’s drunk and he’s in awe of her.” says Lacey.

“No. He’s not in awe.

He’s…calm. It’s just…serene to him.” says Rupert.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because he can easily control everything.

And she’s his…plaything.” says Rupert. “She’s too stupid to understand what she actually looks like. Too vain and stupid. And he…loves that. Because it gives him complete control. But…then she’s still trying to figure out how to be evil, in a way. And so she’s still independent. And that independence…makes him intrigued by her.” says Rupert.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because he can have his cake and eat it too. He can completely control her. And she’s a mindless moron. But…she still doesn’t…not exist. So…he assumes she must love him to his deepest core. The depths of his soul.” says Rupert.

“Does she?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” says Rupert.

“I don’t understand loving a man that much.” says Lacey.

“I don’t either. It seems evil.” says Rupert.

“I love my kids that way. But…I love Lem. Not his poop.” says Lacey.

“Top down. You love who God made him to be. Not what evil has rendered him into.” says Rupert. “That’s loving them as much. You knew you were speaking inexactly. But…we don’t love their evil. Because it’s evil. Even if we love them.”

“Yes. Evil separates us from God. And I can’t love evil.” says Lacey.

“Yes.

I decided to join you in your inexactness.

What are we missing!??” says Rupert.

“Right.

What is it?” says Lacey.

“I don’t think he knows you!” says Rupert.

“No. So why make all these assumptions!?” says Lacey.

“He listens to bad advice. Sometimes.

He didn’t think you’d be able to enjoy bad pizza, bad karaoke and cold beer.” says Rupert.

“Fine. I can’t.

What’s so great about that?” says Lacey.

“It’s like a Western Saloon. And she’s a prostitute.” says Rupert.

“But she’s his wife.” says Lacey.

“Yes. He can’t get that close to you, I guess. He wants to keep reliving the same thing over and over again instead.

Yes. She’s a prostitute and his wife.” says Rupert.

“How nice.” says Lacey. “I’m leaving.”

“Okay.

But are we-

How is he rejecting you?” asks Rupert.

“Because I’m not a slutty piece of shit.” says Lacey. “And he’s declared before Heaven and Earth that I am. Or that I’m completely unlovable.”

“You know…even if that’s not what he meant to declare…that’s what you heard.” says Rupert Brooke.

“I don’t have time for this.” says Lacey.

“Alright.” says Rupert. “Let’s move on.”

They do.

“Wow. You did love him.” says Rupert, pouring more tea.

“Are you talking with me or not?

Yes! I did.

So BLOODY WHAT!?” says Lacey.

“It’s supposed to matter.” says Rupert.

“It doesn’t matter to them. And I can’t control them.

Let’s move on.” says Lacey.

“Yeah.

Alright.

ELLIOTT!” says Rupert.

Lacey drinks her coffee.

“He’s handsome!” says Rupert.

“He’s incredibly good in bed.” says Lacey.

“He doesn’t lie.” says Rupert.

“No. He looks like he would be. And he is.

There is something honorable in that.” says Lacey.

“But then what…murder does he commit?” asks Rupert.

“It does almost feel akin to murder.” says Lacey.

“So Elliott sleeps with Faye.” says Rupert.

“I think yes.” says Lacey.

“Or Pat.” says Rupert.

“Yes! And he loves them. It’s some…love that he can’t let go of.” says Lacey.

“So so much for you!” says Rupert.

“Yes. So much for me.” says Lacey.

“How sad.” says Rupert.

“Yes. Can we be done grieving now?” asks Lacey.

“If God says so.” says Rupert.

“Good! It’s just not worth it right now.” says Lacey.

“Why?” asks Rupert.

“Because they became worthless rubbish.” says Lacey. “So who gives a shit!?”

“I love it.

They try to murder your soul.

You call them on it.

And we get to see how evil they really are.

Do they really secretly hate women like Satan himself or not?

And…how worthless are all men?

How worthless is the entire human race?

No. You love your kids. So the human race is safe.

*he smiles and pours tea*

Who else?

Ahh…Michael!” he says.

“Same.” says Lacey. “It’s all the same.”

“You have to wonder why you keep losing.” says Rupert Brooke.

“I do.

But…

What is it?

And…honestly…are they supposed to be doing this?” asks Lacey.

“Abandoning you?” asks Rupert.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“They’re Sons of Eve. In a way. Hopefully God will redeem them. Or has.

Ahh…no.” he says.

“Are they all trying to snub me?” asks Lacey.

“A social class snub?” asks Rupert Brooke.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Lacey. You’re a dead Scottish aristocrat. Or an oil heiress. Or both, if God say so. And you’re extremely talented and intelligent and beautiful and sublimely sexy.

It wound be weird if they were trying to snub you.” says Rupert.

“But are they?” asks Lacey.

Rupert thinks. “HOW!?”

It’s Not Unusual by Tom Jones plays to mock evil-stupid America.

Lacey laughs.

“Louis forgot he made Elsie upper class and she’s too vain and stupid to understand it. So he snubs me because he forgot. And he now thinks of her as born to the manor even though that’s gross stupidity.” says Lacey.

“This song has to be one of the dumbest songs I’ve ever heard.” says Rupert, laughing.

“It makes me laugh. Every time.” says Lacey.

“Continue.” says Rupert.

“Elliott is…also backward. So is Harold. They all are.” says Lacey.

“So they all went to the trouble of making love to you….just to snub you?” asks Rupert.

“Yes!!!

Or…they’re too worthless to function.” says Lacey.

“So my ‘competition’ is very possibly too worthless to function?” asks Lem, interrupting.

“Yes, Lem. Yes. YES!!” yells Rupert, enraged.

“Then how are they my competition?” asks Lem.

“You have no real competition. You never did.” says Rupert. He pours Lem tea. “That’s why Jack so evil. Why did you leave behind what you do.? It’s close to Hell. It’s literal Hell for her. You sent your wife to Hell. Why?”

“I didn’t ever agree to this.” says Lem.

“Then why is she close to Hell?” asks Rupert.

“They did this to me.” says Lem.

“Did you really not?” asks Rupert.

“No! I- I didn’t.” says Lem.

“So…no. You have no competition. It’s just a sad joke on her soul Lem.” says Rupert.

“But she’s so beautiful.” says Lem.

“Yes! But this song is stupid.” says Rupert. “It’s a giant smelly fart.

“Americans didn’t understand romantic love.” says Lacey.

“What’s going on? If the song is directed to you?” asks Lem.

“He’s dense.

It is unusual for some extremely desirable people, like me, to be loved. He’s a sheltered, ignorant moron.

And this woman he’s singing to could easily be a gold-digging, whorish bitch from Hell. Because to me he’s saying love is evil and without any love. He’s saying love is like eating your own vomit.

But then for some unknown reason he wants to eat vomit with me. And he’s going to force me to. Or I’m a bad Christian.” says Lacey.

“That’s not what it’s supposed to be about.

It’s supposed to be about a woman like you.

He’s saying he’s sad. That he’s heartbroken. Because love doesn’t do what we want it to.

So…he’s unconditionally in love with her. Even though she’s changed. And sleeping around.” says Lem.

“That’s not me.” says Lacey. “I don’t think.”

“And there’s no way their love could be that unconditional in that way. Necessarily.” says Lem. “She has no accountability.”

“She’s murdering their love.” says Lacey.

“Have you tried to murder our love?” asks Lem.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Because of what I did.” says Lem.

“It seems as though you hate me.” says Lacey.

“Or don’t even care that much.” says Lem.

“And yet…you have no competition.” says Rupert.

“I can see why you feel like I don’t want you.” says Lem to Lacey.

“So who is she supposed to be with!?” asks Rupert.

“Me.” says Lem. “But I’ve banned her for eternity. Unintentionally.”

“So you don’t want me?” asks Lacey.

“No.” says Lem.

And at that, from the past, Jack offers Lem a wedding ring.

Lem declines.

Jack is confused. Jack is outraged. Jack leaves, in a huff.

“So it just made sense to sleep with other men.” says Lem.

“I refuse to answer that.” says Lacey.

“Well. That’s why.” says Lem.

She remains silent.

“Alright.

Well that was dumb.” says Lem to God about his and Lacey’s lives in the 20th and 21st Century.

“I love our kids.” says Lacey.

“Yes. But if we could have had our kids in Heaven it’s not at all worth it.” says Lem.

“And I suppose if we could have had our parents in Heaven if they want us to be their kids.” says Lacey.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Then what was the point of all of this?” asks Lacey of Lem and God.

“Did we at least help someone?” asks Lem of God.

Future Markets by Jonny Greenwood plays.

“Well it was nice to have you aboard!” says John A. Seay.

“Was it really?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” says John Seay.

“Well.

I think I’m done.” says Lacey.

“Yes. Me too.” says Lem. “I was straight. I really was. And Rupert is not in any sexual relationship with me. Or Lacey, I hope.” says Lem.

“Not now. That conversation had a sexual component but it’s not going on now and she didn’t want it.” says God.

“Well…he got rid of everyone else.” says Lem.

“They were already gone. In all real reality.

They were never competition, Lem!” says Rupert.

Oil by Jonny Greenwood plays.

“You have both helped people!” says God to Lem.

“How silly is it Lem?” asks Lacey.

“About a 10.” says Lem.

“How silly am I?” asks Lacey.

“A zero.” says Lem.

“Yeah.

It’s bad.” says a 50 year old lesbian in the Illuminati. “We let Lacey sit at our table. Growing-up. We didn’t snub her.

Actually…I think we tried to party with her. For real. And maybe we came close to being her actual friend at times. Not at all in a sexual way. Like an actual friend.

But part of that is because she’s down with being smart. And lesbians don’t know how to resist being intellectually superior with other women. We love that aesthetic. Even in a non-sexual way. We love winning in that way.

I’m sorry. I’m just being honest.

So…she was our ditzy but secretly super smart friend. And she is a fierce competitor. In war.

But…the living gays didn’t…let her sit at their table.

Actually…that really makes me sad.

I mean. What the fuck is wrong with her!? Right!?! Wow! Losers!! She looks like us…she’s just straight. Lighten-up!

But…then I think of Rupert Brooke.

And…he’s clearly bisexual or gay leaning. And yet…I know he accepts her.

Why…can’t all of you?

Actually…I worry they were friends. Like for real.

Why are you all obsessed with hurting her!?? It’s creepy and weird.

Be honest. Are you all too damn jealous?” she says. “Because that’s sad. That’s real sad.

And honestly…I’m not sure it’s safe for you anymore.”

“Yeah. I don’t hate Rupert Brooke.” says Anderson Cooper.

“Do we have to have his approval to be her friend?” asks a living gay man.

“Oh no!!!” yells Jan Hertel. “Where did you meet him!?!”

“That requires a conversation about reincarnation in the Bible.” says Lacey.

“Let’s say it is.

Where did you meet him?” asks Jan.

“At a party? He was friends with our friends. And…I think we were friends?” says Lacey.

“And nothing happened between him and Lem?” asks the woman.

“No!” says God.

“Was Lem jealous of him!??” asks a woman.

“No!” says God.

“Oh well.” says Lacey. “Maybe reincarnation isn’t even in the Bible.”

“Homosexual love between men is often based on middle class values. At least now. And it’s ignorant. You all don’t know what’s going on.” says Tom Jones.

“We had it the other way around!” says a gay man.

“No. It’s the other way around. You don’t get it.” says Tom Jones.

(May 6th, 2024 – actual last post of the day)

You guys.

It’s me. In the afterlife.

Look…I’m not Rupert Brooke, or F. Scott Fitzgerald or even Lacey’s father. But…I’m not stupid. Completely at least.

Try to stay with me.

Her family is…awe-inspiring. And actually…if Melchizedek is Jesus…and the Gnostics were…not completely wrong…about everything…then Taylor Swift is her cousin. She’s Britt. A posh, yachting, skiing, Stanford educated upper class, old money woman. Matthew reminded you of Taylor Swift. Lacey reminded you of Taylor Swift. If there’s an Illuminati…you attacked Lacey partially out of hatred and resentment for Taylor Swift’s…power and wealth. She’s your overlord. She’s an overlord among overlords. And as new money misogynists the Illuminati hates a woman like her. So Lacey triggered Diego.

Actually…even if there’s not reincarnation in the Bible…Taylor Swift even being that hypothetically close to being her cousin is triggering. Lacey triggered you all, in the Illuminati. She did. SHE TRIGGERED YOU.

And if some of you, and you know who you are, could admit that…we’d all be able to move on. In the entire world.

So…that being said…let’s move on. To where? Well…let’s try to get to the bottom of something.

Why were you all so easily triggered? Why are we all so frayed? So tired?

Here’s my theory: Lem.

If I think about the flaws in the American class system I can see as a scholar that they stem all the way back to the beginnings of the US when the Founding Fathers were first starting the country. But…I also know that that’s not our culprit. Why!? Because America was very successful. Very prosperous and powerful. For years. So…as much as we’re troubled and fraught, we’re also capable.

So what went wrong? Well…if I’m talking to you from the afterlife I’ve looked and it seems to me that unfortunately it’s an issue of responsibility within the Kennedy family. That’s probably not what you wanted to read. I’m sorry. But it looks like it’s…tragically about Lem.

Why Lem?

The Line by Mood Rings.

Because he’s our heart. He’s the heart of America. As a man. He’s our dreams come true. Gay or straight. Bisexual. He’s America. He’s the American Dream come true if there’s anything to America at all.

And so…when he took his old money, Mayflower self to the Kennedys he brought with him all of his inheritance both literally and figuratively. And he…spent it on trying to be their husband, son, and friend.

Some might violently insist at this point that he meant it. As in, he was gay. Well…that’s a lie from Hell. But…I’m going to humor you because it’s necessary.

Let’s say he did what!? Love Jack passionately? PASSIONATELY!? Then what!? He really, really loved him!? Wow!!! Then what!?

Oh you want me to go on and on about that more!?

*Dr. Moritz laughs*

Ha! The Kennedys are literally slightly insane. Criminally insane.

Okay…let’s say that Lem really- WOW!! He really, really, really- WOW!!!! He LOVED JACK!!! WOW!

And it’s BETTER THAN ANY LOVE TO EVER EXIST EVER!? Wow! And what else!? You want to rape, murder, suffocate and multilate him and his family? Wow! And anyone connected to him? Why? Because you can’t figure out how to process the reality of them? You can’t eat them? Or kill them? Or rape them? Or steal from them enough? Or imitate them? You can’t devour them or become them? So you’re pure evil?

Huh.

So…the point is…you, the Kennedys, did have Lem there.

And you, the Kennedys, raped him and stole his life? Yeah? Wow!

Here’s the thing: that’s what I’m focusing on. What!? I haven’t said it yet. So shut-up now, Kennedys.

Okay. So…the Kennedys used Lem Billings as he tried to be one of them, as best as he could. They used him to become elite. They have no way of existing without him as the world came to know them. Why? Because they copied him. They raped his soul. And…he never gave in. He was physically raped. But he never gave them his soul. They merely raped it. …I’m dead. Let me try that again.

The Kennedys…took advantage of Lem’s sexual confusion and trauma and vulnerability to use his body sexually. But they also tried to rape his soul. And…he resisted that in a different way. He didn’t get raped out of his vulnerable state. Rather he had no even theoretical consent on a conceptual level even. Why? Well…and even if he’d consented it might be a bit different but not enough to matter for my purposes…he was straight. So…they weren’t able to get anything out of his soul. He had no interest whatsoever in them in that way.

But…perhaps it was because he was straight? Mmm. No. It was because…he…wore different clothes. And was…inherently different. Or no? Well…it’s both. It’s that and so much more. But regardless, he was never going to give them his soul. They couldn’t even touch it. …Not really. …But they could rape it anyway, which is why Lacey and the Nesheims are suffering. It’s complicated. So…on the one hand they couldn’t. And on the other hand they did.

So…they could torture him. But…they couldn’t…take his mortal soul. So…they’re suffocating them all like total freaks, possibly to try to get at them…but as much as Lem committed suicide and had his name thrown into Hell…and Lacey is struggling for her breath and if there’s reincarnation Taylor was suffocated to death as infant Britt and then they used her when she came back…like a sick kidnapping…operated by a pure evil-jackass-troll-midget-family…and Karrie as a newborn was also suffocated to death almost or literally…even as Lacey who’s legally Karrie again is struggling to breath as she writes this…they can’t actually do it. The Kennedys can’t actually get what they want.

Why? Because…Lem..DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.

*Lacey laughs*

*Torsten laughs*

Lacey gives a shit. Scott Fitzgerald gave a shit. …Harold Loeb might care. But…they really are ignorant, backward, backwoods jackasses without a conscience. Not in every case but as a whole. And don’t preach to me about Gideon. He drowned!!!

Anyway…lots of people care. They all want and wanted the Kennedys to be old money upper class. It’s a great idea, they thought. Or we cared about the Irish people’s suffering so much that we felt the Kennedys deserved a place at the dinner party table in the country house, so to speak. We cared!! …Lem…however…DOES NOT.

Why!?! Ahh…you’d have to ask Lem that.

To be honest, it’s sad. Because they’re so sick and evil they’ve twisted it extremely upside down and they-they seem to believe she’s the one who’s resisting. But that’s not it. It’s that he just doesn’t give a fuck. Not really! No, not really.

And…SHE DOES.

So…they attached themselves to Lem via sex, thinking that would open him up and get him to give them the key, so to speak, but it didn’t. And then being idiots…they felt her attached to him and instead of realizing that he was never going to give them the key they assumed she was ruining it all BECAUSE…BECAUSE…she refused to cease to exist. Yes!! Because she’s not capable of ceasing to exist. Yes, they’re insane and evil enough to not cognitively comprehend anymore the concept of EXISTENCE. Because they’re too in rebellion against God to accept that…existence itself is a thing. They’re intellectually illiterate, at best? No, they’re…astronomically stupid. You can’t make something cease to exist. Not really. Not like that.

So…while they’re mad at Lacey for existing…they’re hilariously-

*Torsten cuts off to laugh. He has to excuse himself.*

They’re hilariously convinced…Lem…is giving them her family’s title, so to speak…and loads of other treasures. Not…just…class clues…but…essentially entrance into…all major elite groups to ever exist as…something like…Jesus. I mean essentially they’re thinking he’s giving them his salvation in Christ! Which- Alright this is very complex. It’s…not like someone couldn’t give away their soul and blessings…but…it’s not just lack of sexual interest on Lem’s part. It’s…a total disapproval of them. He’s…beyond disinterested. But…they’re convinced…he’s given them everything.

Lacey finds it sad. Because she cared. And she feels empathy for them. But…I think for a lot of other people, when they die, it’s going to be a comedy to watch the Kennedys make total fools of themselves.

Jack is…so so sure of himself. But it’s not just him. They all are.

Anyway….we killed off Lane Pryce but…Lane cares too.

The Line by Mood Rings plays.

“It’s Lem who doesn’t care.

It’s Lem who doesn’t CARE!” yells Lem.

“But you won’t fuck us.” says JFK.

“No? Well…true. But…Lem didn’t necessarily mean to.” says Lane. “You need to grow-up.”

“We can’t get access through you.” says Joe Kennedy Junior to Lane.

“To what!??” yells Lane.

Jack laughs. “Come on! Come on dude!”

“To what!?” asks Lane. Lacey waits too.

Jack laughs. The Kennedys all laugh.

Stiff and compassionate, Lacey and Lane wait and try very hard to empathize.

The Kennedys look dazed and confused.

“To the good stuff!!” says the Kennedys.

“What good stuff!?” asks Lane Pryce.

“To the STUFF!” says Joe Kennedy Junior.

“Do you want to watch Lacey and Lane have sex?” asks his Playboy girlfriend.

The Kennedys look genuinely shocked.

“Well!?” she asks again. “BE HONEST!”

“Yes.” says David Anthony Kennedy.

“Right!!” says Lacey. “Why!??”

Jack Kennedy cries.

“What is it?” asks his girlfriend.

“Why are they so genuinely happy?” asks Jack, like he’s from a trailer park and beats dogs.

“Oh!! It’s like Junebug. The movie.” says Lacey.

“Yes.” admits Joe Kennedy Junior. “We’re all the hicks. Okay!? But we’re more evil.”

“You’re also more backward.” says Lane Pryce.

“How!?” yells Joe Junior.

“They actually have sex! …Could any of you…possibly…ever…be so…real?” says Lane Pryce.

“That requires being caring to people! And we don’t do that!!!” yells Joe Senior, suddenly turning into a hick too. “We ain’t doing that no more, dawg!”

“Why!?” asks a fellow trailer park owner, with a mullet.

“I’m no dang fool!!” yells JP Kennedy.

“Hey!! Look at me jump!!” says Jack, like a hick, trying to seduce Lane like a Black basketball player.

Jack jumps at the ceiling like there are basketball hoops everywhere. And you’d think he was being funny? No. He’s being serious.

“Are you trying to convince me you’re like me!?” asks Lane Pryce.

Jack stops cold and stares at him.

Then Jack laughs. Looks bashful.

“You’re not convincing me!” yells Lane Pryce.

Jack looks sad, but thoughtful. He starts talking to himself like he’s actually schizophrenic.

They all watch him.

Jack Kennedy seems to be having quite the conversation with himself. But just as Lacey and Lane seemed to understand and anticipate he’s not crying. He’s more or less flummoxed.

Summer Smoke by Cemeteries plays.

“So. You and I will never have sex.” says Lane Pryce to Jack Kennedy.

Jack Kennedy punches a hole in the wall in frustration.

“Why do think you’d want that?” asks Lane Pryce.

“Because she’s the…PROBLEM!!” yells Jack, sniffing in disgust after he says it.

“How!?” asks Lane.

“Because.” says JFK.

Elephant by Tame Impala plays.

“Because I can feel the energy change every time she’s around. Like when we play this song and she’s in the room.” says Jack like a white trash conspiracy theorist. He momentarily head bangs to Elephant by Tame Impala. Air guitars, totally without humor or irony. “I’m down for this!! Let’s DO IT!!”

“Jack what do you mean?” ask Lane Pryce.

“You seem different, Lane.” he says smiling. “Whenever this sort of song comes on. And she’s in the room. Your energy shifts man. And it turns me on.” says JFK.

“Yeah. It does.

So…what is it you think is happening?” asks Lane Pryce.

“I’m sensing sex!! DAMN!!” joyfully says Jack, suddenly marching and then shifting into an air guitar.

“So…you think I’ll have sex with her?” asks Lane Pryce.

“Well no! Why…why…why would you do that!?” asks Jack.

“Huh. So man doesn’t leave his family for his wife?” asks Lane Pryce.

“Why is the entire cast of Mad Men laughing at me?” asks JFK, sincerely confused and possibly hurt.

“Jack let’s run a little experiment.” says Roger Sterling.

“Let’s get Joan to come in in a bikini.” says Roger. “We’ll have Lacey sit outside.”

They play Elephant again. Joan walks in.

Lanes composure changes again. And in a different way than with Lacey. But it’s also noticeable.

Jack stares at Lane again and begins flirtatiously laughing. Joan leaves. Lane goes back to normal.

“She’s evil too!” says Jack, nodding his head empathetically.

“Jack. Let’s bring in secretaries. One by one.” says Roger.

They do.

Five 1950’s hot secretaries walk in. Lane looks…fascinated.

Jack looks highly disturbed.

Like…really disturbed.

Jack looks like he could hyperventilate.

Decks Dark by Radiohead plays.

“Jack. Have you ever seen this before?” asks Roger Sterling.

Jack looks like a terrified, hurt, beaten white hick being chased by the police. He raises his hands up to himself.

“Jack! Have you ever seen this before!?” yells Roger Sterling.

He stands in silent shock.

“JACK!!” yells Roger. “Answer me!!”

“What THE FUCK…IS THIS!?” yells JFK.

“I have never seen him like this before!” says Kick like a poor white hick, rocking herself back and forth.

“Jack! That’s male desire.” says Roger Sterling pointing at Lane. “What he’s experiencing is male desire.”

“Well yeah!! I know that!” says Jack laughing, trying to get back into their confidences or acceptance again.

“Jack!! That’s male desire. FOR A WOMAN!!” yells Roger Sterling.

Jack dances in place like a transfixed zombie. He looks almost lost to us.“

“That’s what Lem looked like. Around women. At times. Okay!? But I’d always- I thought it was me. Or that I could tap into it.” says Jack.

“But who was causing it?” asks Bert Cooper.

“Well…the woman. But…not really.” says Jack.

“Jack. How is it not about her?” asks Bert Cooper.

“Because then I’M A FAGGOT!!!” yells Jack Kennedy. He punches his fist through a window.

“Do you find women attractive?” asks Bert Cooper.

“Not like men.

Most men in my family are like that. Okay?

At least to some degree?

Ahh…I could fuck a woman! We all can in my family. But…I hate them!” says Jack. “Yeah. Okay. They’re pretty and stuff. But…they’re…not like men. And yet men love them. Damn!

Damn, damn, damn do men like women! Damn!

Dammit!!!!

Fucking son-of-bitch is that annoying.

Fuck!!!

Fucking shit!!!

FUCK!!!“ says Jack, crying. He starts attacking furniture and walls to look manly even though he really just looks poor and insane. It could fool some people though.

“So…go-go on!” says Bert Cooper.

“So I hate them. Because they get so giggly. And then they expect you to kiss them and stuff. And I can. HOLY SHIT I CAN!

HOT DAMN!!

But…I ain’t like other men I guess.

I’m…fully capable of fucking a woman. I have full capacity.

But…it ain’t like men. You know?” says Jack Kennedy, fondly.

Marcel by Her’s plays.

Jack sways back and forth to the song thinking and smiling.

“Gee.” says Jack.

“Jack I have no idea what you’re talking about.” says Roger.

“Neither do I.” says Don.

“Actually…I don’t either.” says Pete.

“I do.” says Ted Chaough. “Slightly.”

“You remind me of Bobby.” says JFK to Ted.

“Oh. Okay.” says Ted.

“So…Jack you’ve never…realized you’re mostly gay? And that make men are not?” asks Bert Cooper.

“No!!!

I ain’t no FAGGOT!” says Jack.

“No. You’re a homosexual.” says Lane Pryce to JFK.

“Not completely!” says Bert Cooper.

“I ain’t no such thing!!” yells JFK.

“Why!?” asks Lane. “Jack I see you staring at my penis. …Jack…I’m not attracted to you.”

“Wow!! You talked about your penis!!!” says JFK, sincerely in awe.

“Yup. Men have those.” says Lane.

Jack’s mouth drops open and he looks awe-struck.

“Jack did they keep you…away from most people?” asks a reader.

“We ain’t got no apologies!!!” yells JP. “We did what we HAD TO DO!”

“So you controlled every situation he was ever in?” says the CIA

“I simply thought it through!!” says JP.

“Yeah. I understand.” says Lacey. “But he never met any straight people ever?! I feel like he never really met anyone who is genuinely straight other than Lem, ever.”

“I did.” says JFK.

“But not like…in an advertising agency in Manhattan.” says Don Draper.

“No! Not alone. My dad paid for my way. Every time.” says JFK. “They…lied. They all lied too.”

“You were never alone!?” asks a reader.

“Yes. But…not really.” says JFK. “There was always an understanding that I was to be treated differently.”

“Like you were better? Or just different?” asks the CIA.

“I don’t even know.” says JFK.

Later.

“So you were straight?” als