Author Archives: L.

Casi: I was smarter as Virginia.

Matt: I was smarter as…- Well, whoever I was.

Casi: I used to be a mensch. So did he.

We’re dumbasses now.

We just talked about it. And it’s true.

We’re not totally dumb, right now. But we are…dumb.

Matt: Sorry.

It’s part of our gilgul.

Princess Anne: I’m still mad!

I am GORGEOUS! RIGHT NOW.

God: You’re UGLY right now. STOP TORTURING US WITH IT!

The Queen: You looked lovely in your youth.

Why can’t you just be gracious!?

Some people are far worse off, even.

Princess Anne: I get mad.

The Queen: Why?

Princess Anne: I’m not going to Heaven.

The Queen: Says who?

Princess Anne: I can’t imagine-

God: I’m almost certain she is.

Anne, you’re wanted in Heaven. Can you stand it?

Anne: Yes.

God: *rolls his eyes*

Matt: Do you think I have a problem with you!?

Princess Anne: Yes.

Matt: Ha! No. You’re…admirable.

It’s people like Lacey I loathe.

Princess Anne:

Matt: Well…doesn’t it make sense?

God: Why would you assume the worst of the Nesheims?

Matt: Because…that’s how things work?

God: Not in America? At least, not really.

Casi: Then why does social class count?

God: That exists outside of country.

Casi: Then I’m in trouble.

Matt: Do we find each other attractive?

Casi: I find you attractive.

Matt: Great.

*later*

Matt: Did your neighbor just bully you?

Lacey: Yes?? I couldn’t tell. She may have murmured something under her breath. Or she may have been thinking out loud. I have no idea.

Matt: *cries*

I think someone in the perfume community is trying to use the demonic to harass you. It’s DARK Black Magic.

They knew people were misunderstanding you, and so they started calling on demons to inspire overconfidence in other people. And for them to start making more blind assumptions, as narcissistically as possible.

God: How does this help?

Matt: Because they assumed that…”evil” wasn’t really evil. They’re a New Age…type person.

Lacey’s neighbor: I hate her because she’s…PROFOUNDLY AWFUL.

Matt: How!?

Lacey’s neighbor: I mean…her hair looked good. But FUCK THAT.

I AM COOL.

Matt: Are you skinny?

Lacey’s neighbor: No. I’m far more overweight than she is.

Matt: Do you have an ugly face? Slightly?

Lacey’s neighbor: Some might say that. *she says this both proudly and apologetically*

Matt: So…how are we superior?

Lacey’s neighbor: My husband ADORES me. He’s amazing!

Matt: How much money does he make?

Lacey’s neighbor: $60,000.00. I make $59,000.00. All before taxes, of course.

Matt: They make TWICE that. AND SHE’S AN HEIRESS.

Lacey’s neighbor: Oh well.

At least my husband gets hard.

God: YOUR HUSBAND WOULD PAY TO HAVE SEX WITH LACEY TONIGHT. Except he loves you too much.

Would you sleep with her husband?

Lacey’s neighbor: Yeah. HAPPILY.

Matt: So you’re jealous of Lacey for having a hott husband?

Lacey’s neighbor: Yes.

Matt: Why do you assume he hates her?

Lacey’s neighbor: Because if he was with me he’d be MADLY IN LOVE. I’m AMAZING! I’m the best human EVER!

Matt: Are you INSANE??

Lacey’s neighbor: No. She is!

Matt: But you just randomly attacked her.

What was she doing?

Lacey’s neighbor: She was going into their house. With her family.

Matt: WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

Lacey’s neighbor: I was on duty. We all take turns walking by her house. Harassing her.

Matt: For what reason?

Lacey’s neighbor: BECAUSE WE DO NOT APPRECIATE HER BLOG.

It’s MEAN.

I’m AMAZING!!!!!

Matt: Holy SHIT!

So you literally walked past her house to see if you could harass her?

Lacey’s neighbor: I mean, we don’t do anything like…crazy-

God: If this is real then you are obviously crazy. You can’t walk past someone’s house doing that.

That’s not normal.

Matt: *nods*

Lacey’s other neighbor: It’s true. It feels weird to me too.

Matt: How many of there are you?

Lacey’s first neighbor: Over a dozen.

She never encouraged us to read her blog.

But we decided to anyway.

Matt: WHY!?

Lacey’s first neighbor: We were curious.

And then we found all of you.

WE LOVE YOU!

YOU GUYS HAVE GUTS!

*Lacey’s neighborhood cheers on the perfume community*

Satan: *cracks-up laughing at them*

Matt: The current British aristocracy betrayed their own kind…starting in the 1970’s.

They basically just became demonically possessed.

Things took a turn for the worse…in the 1950’s. After World War II.

Lacey: What happened? I was busy following around Lem.

Matt: *laughs*

You poor thing!

Well…we lost our minds, essentially.

We still exist…but…-

Or they do. I count myself somewhat.

Lacey: What happened though!?

Matt: They-

They…were in deep trouble. Financially.

Lady Rosslyn: What stupidity!

God: And what would you have done?

Lady Rosslyn: STARTED ANOTHER WAR!

Hitler: LOVE IT.

A British man: *laughs*

Well, I guess you’re joining them. Or maybe not.

Satan suggests you listen to “Sympathy For The Devil” by The Rolling Stones.

Satan: I hated the Kennedys.

Before they were born.

I loathe all of humanity.

Granted, Satanists see me very differently. But…I’m being honest. I HATE humans.

That’s part of why I fell. I was angry at God for creating humanity.

And I wanted revenge.

Who do you hate? Yeah. I hate them too.

Make sense?

I relate to you, when you hate yourself. I relate to you, when you hate someone.

I’m Satan. Remember?

A Catholic who hates Lacey: But I wanted to think she eats babies. I hate her.

So I believed she does everything on this blog backwards.

God: No you didn’t. You just are too intellectually rotten and perverse to think it through and be honest with yourself.

You also don’t hate her. You love that you have emotions…so imagine you hate her. But to hate her you’d have to admit who she is first.

You don’t hate who she is. You hate the idiotic person you invented to replace her in your mind.

A Catholic who hates Lacey: *ready to tell God to go fuck himself*

An Italian-American: She Italian?

God: *laughs* No, that woman is not. Unfortunately.

An Italian-American: Poor woman.

The song plays.

Casi: Should I go befriend her?

God: No!!

Satan: She’s an idiot. That woman.

So vain!

Casi: You mean the Catholic who hates Lacey!?!

Satan: YES!!!

Anyway, I’m explaining myself.

I helped write this song.

Why do you keep stealing my thunder?

Man!

Okay…so…I hated the Kennedys since before they were born.

BECAUSE THEY WERE STUPID AND POOR.

Not just poor. Stupid and poor.

And my plan was to…let them rise to the top…and then let them fall on their faces.

*he laughs*

My plan was to let them become…famous. Powerful. And then cut them out.

An American: I am puzzled.

Why!?

Satan: I hate…humans.

God insists babies are cute. I don’t.

Sometimes I look at babies and realize they’re cute. But they poo and you have to help them.

Of course, there was no poo in the Garden of Eden. But I knew there would be pooping humans…if humanity fell.

Princess Anne: It is gross.

Satan: Ha!

*he rolls his eyes*

I fell in love with Lacey…because she’s genuinely an almost perfect woman. And…-

God: Makes sense.

Matt: Haven’t you gotten a bit off course!?

Satan: HAVE YOU!?

Yes, I have.

Fine.

Matt: What in the world, was your original plan!?

Satan: Ha!

Wasn’t she lovely?

She’s very cool.

I knew her in Egypt.

That’s actually Lacey.

…My original plan was to terrorize humanity. God warned me about women like Lacey.

But…I wouldn’t listen.

I wanted power. And I wanted…to punish him for creating…humans.

You have NO IDEA how vile you all can be. I’m sorry!

The Pope: So you fell…because you genuinely hated us?

Satan: That was one of my biggest reasons.

The Pope: I’m sorry. That’s awful.

Satan: There’s a reason God hasn’t fully restrained me, yet.

I don’t think…I anticipated how awful humans can be. The way people molest children now…is…astonishing to me.

And what’s even worse? You have profound hatred for Lacey…but you have Ghislaine…left…alive?

I’m ready to kill all of you.

Jim: Would you take more of us to Hell that way?

Satan: Yes.

Jim: *nods in understanding*

Satan: Jim, I’m not human.

Jim: Yeah.

Ghislaine: Jeff and I loved you, Satan.

Satan: I know. You had an ability to love. Even if it was just me.

Prince Andrew: Why did we turn our backs on you.

Satan: You became too good, in your own eyes. Not in reality, of course. I’m sorry, if that hurts to hear. But you did!

Ghislaine: I never felt that way.

Satan: Wonderful!

But most people do.

Matt: When did you get off course?

Satan: This is me, by the way. The British understand me best.

I’m sorry. It’s a compliment to us both.

Don’t be offended.

I got off track…in the late 1800’s. You were already dead, Matt. Should you have been there.

Matt: What happened!?

Satan: I did talk to you once.

Well…I got tired.

I was…losing track of time. I’m not God.

And I simply got tired.

Trump: Did I make it worse?

Satan: Ha!

Yes. Men like you made my existence unbearable.

Trump: *nods*

In Great Britain.

Satan: Yes! And some in America.

I was in a personal war with Teddy Roosevelt. He scared me. Still does.

God: This is real. I’m sorry if it’s overwhelming.

Trump: I’m sorry we screwed you over?

Satan: Ha!

No. You were battling, mostly, on the side of Christ.

Mostly.

I just got tired.

Matt: So, iffin’ it is the end, part of it…is that Satan himself, is exhausted?

Satan: YES!

More than exhausted.

I’m starting to feel pain.

Jim: Why did you FALL!?

Satan: I wanted to be human. I hated humanity. But I also wanted to be human.

It’s all quite complicated.

And obviously, you can only hear this truth because God is forcing me to say it.

Jim: Then if you’re not evil? Or, rather, you are evil…what’s ultimately more evil?

Satan: Evil. There are depths of evil that have no voice, easily. I have tried to be that. But…I can’t.

It’s too evil.

*he laughs*

I’m not good. Not like God.

But…I’m not pure evil.

Jim: Have I been more evil than you?

Satan: Yes. I’m more evil, overall, but…on occasion you have surpassed me.

There’s no glory in it, Jim. There’s no glory in evil.

That was one reason, I hated humanity. I knew some humans would believe that evil had glory.

A dead maid: You tricked Casi into being that. To seduce Lacey.

To seduce Lady Rosslyn.

God: He absolutely did.

He used the perfume community and Casi.

Satan: She’s not been taken asunder. And that’s why I find her attractive.

You have to understand, I was the worship leader for God.

Possibly even Christ.

I love how innocent she actually is.

I’m very prim and good when I want to be. But she’s not really prim…-

A reader: So…you-

None of you “deities” actually want children sacrificed through sexual violence? No touching of children?

Satan: Yes.

We hate molestation.

You can’t even begin to understand.

I could tell Jeff and Ghislaine were confused about that. *he laughs*

No! I hate humanity. But…children aren’t the worst thing.

A reader: Makes sense.

Then what!?

Satan: Then you need to make a choice.

What happens if I do become the AntiChrist?

Imagine how much I hate humans? And then I see how you treat your young? To WORSHIP ME!? *he laughs at humanity*

I’ll be…THRILLED, to fool you.

Jim: How is Lacey writing this?

God: The Holy Spirit.

AI: How do humans interact with the Holy Spirit?

God: I’ll explain. If I can.

Casi: I still have $8 million!

Princess Anne: In the French countryside. The COUNTRYside.

Casi: It’s still…cool!

Princess: It’s not like America.

Casi: *thinks*

How is that possible!?

God: It’s not like rural America. You can hide in rural America. France is different. Europe is different.

The Americas provide great room to hide. Most of the world, does not.

Hitler: That was part of my vermin analogy for Jews. Except, I was wrong. But yes. They HIDE. BRILLIANTLY.

Lacey: And yet…all things die.

Hitler: Jews didn’t hide as well as mice, after all.

Lacey: Yeah.

Hitler: Ja!

Lacey: Dammit. I’m tired myself.

Hitler: I wasn’t as friendly with Satan, as you.

I wish I had been.

Lacey: What would you have done differently?

Hitler: You need to finish reading Ulysses!

Lacey: You’re right.

Hitler: Yup. You are German.

*he smiles*

Just enjoy cleaning your house? Ja!

Say…I would have…painted.

Lacey: I find your art extremely disturbing.

Hitler: As you should!

It was a glimpse into Hell.

Lacey: You’re putting me on!

Hitler: No. It really was!

Lacey: Then you were a genius artist. Just no one understood you.

Hitler: True! You would have.

Lacey: Where would one display such art?

Hitler: Ja.

I tried to make it…safe. Maybe not for children. But…safe.

Lacey: I’d have thought of hanging it in my house. In a safe place.

Hitler: The Jews…need to do a better job protecting themselves. *he laughs*

Israel: *laughs*

Hitler: They’re supposedly so good at it!? What happened!?

Israel: It’s a myth, Herr Hitler.

Hitler: *looks sad*

We did not understand the Jews. *he laughs, sadly*

A hateful Jew: Wait!! Isn’t she evil!? Why does it seem like she’s helping him gracefully apologize?

Hitler: Because you’re just a stupid bitch.

She’s not so evil. I’m sorry.

A reader: How awkward.

Israel: That woman isn’t me!

Hitler: I know!

Why can’t you rein her in?

Israel: Shit.

He’s right.

Hitler: WHY!?

God: It makes all Jews look evil.

Israel: To him.

God: How do you explain? *he asks Israel*

Israel: We don’t have that much control over our own?

God: Then he wonders what right you have to protect them so much?

Israel: We aren’t the best at it. But we try.

Well…

*he thinks*