Category Archives: Journal

I Will Run From You by Cemeteries plays.

When Lacey was young she was breathtakingly beautiful. She’s still beautiful now, but when she was young she was almost epic in her beauty.

…Lacey…tried to look nice. She had hair done. She took good enough care of her skin. She dressed fine. But…with very little effort she captivated everyone who saw her.

“You’re paranoid!” said her aunt (who raised her) said to her with seething annoyance, indifference and indignation when Lacey told her in innocence and fear that she felt like everyone was staring at her at a mall. So…Lacey hates going out in public to this day.

That same aunt later coolly and objectively told her, “I think…everyone wants to look like you.”

These people are not like you?

But…but…but…they’re the direct descendants of the Vikings.

No. Lacey wasn’t stylist. She was just…naturally unusual. Humble too.

“Nobody who wasn’t a narcissist would call themselves epic even if they were!” says an idiotic young person in 2023. Their minds are rotted out and tragic. Let’s pray their reasoning ability necessary for the survival of humanity and truth itself makes a comeback.

“We’re not all that narcissistic and stupid! I promise!” says an Instagram guru in Gen. Z.

“But you ate the poison and it’s killing us all off slowly.” says Lacey.

“Because we all need each other.” says a Boomer. “To survive.”

“Yes, and you can say it with facetious melodrama to make it sound stupid, but it’s true.” says Lacey.

But…the thing is…Lacey’s ex step mother-in-law thought Lacey was a gold digger. Her ex’s whole family did. And…if the Illuminati exists…so did Mr. Blue and the Bat Crew.

And…hilariously…it wasn’t until this week that Lacey understood what they meant.

*laugh*

It’s not that Lacey doesn’t understand the definition of the term gold digger. No. …It’s that…she was told she was exceptional, scientifically speaking. But her daily experience of being that beautiful and being cognizant of what was going on in practice so to speak was kept out of her reach. So…she was gaslit every time she tried to figure out why people were responding hatefully to her beauty, or why they stared. It sounds…absurd but that’s the mental game her family and her cruel friends always played on her. Always.

“Rest assured you’re ugly!” said Casi of the perfume community to Lacey, in a pathetic attempt to be cool, witty, sophisticated and clever using some sort of incoherent narcissistic irony.

Because that’s the societal norm. The societal norm is for women today, suckers that they have become, to be cruel to Lacey to feel less shame in their innate inferiority. It’s their hot fudge sunday with sprinkles. Poor sods. …Truly.

“Take off your plastic talons before you poke out your eyes or someone else’s.” says Zelda.

“Lacey, the idea was that you were sexy and like one of those women. Do you know those women? You’ve seen them.” Lem said to her while she was gardening. He brought to mind the image of a curvaceous, high heel wearing, expensive handbag totting, extremely well kept Millennial woman in 2007 who would have easily been seen as a gold digger in Lacey’s youth had she dated men with any sort of money.

And that was when she finally understood what all her most violent and damaging haters thought she was.

“But I look nothing like those women. I mean I suppose I might be that pretty…but that’s not how I was raised. And that should be obvious. Although my ex’s step-mother did insist otherwise… But…that’s weird.” says Lacey now.

“You’re not that pretty!” yells Mr. Blue seriously to Lacey.

“Okay, but I might be. Right? And your idiotic reflex to insist otherwise is creepy, actually.” says Lacey.

“You didn’t dress that way.” says Lem. “You’re right.” He thinks. “But I think they thought they were being shrewd in identifying a hidden gold digger.” He raises his finger. “These are not people nearly as sophisticated as they assume they are.” He thinks. “Why they thought your family were poor con artists…beyond being ridiculous and grossly insulting…is because you stood up for your family and they felt narcissistically insulted by your family so they reacted like babbling lunatic idiots?” He thinks. “And they don’t know people like your family.” He thinks. “And they could sense coldness from your family towards you. So they assumed you were loved…by trashy people. Not…unloved by elegant, upper-class Vikings who wouldn’t acknowledge them in public out of disdain.”

“I wasn’t a con artist either. Bootleggers aren’t con artists. And I was old money. But nevertheless I’m sure these buffoons would label me otherwise? …Lem, you need to be far clearer.” says Tommy Banks.

“Well, you fooled me!” says Casi to Lacey like Lacey is supposed to automatically know on a very deep level what she’s hinting about.

“What?!?” says Lacey seriously to Casi.

“You’re old money, but you fooled me into thinking you weren’t.” she says with a smirk.

“So…you still think I’m not…but…you’re saying if backwards?” asks Lacey.

“Would your family really snub me?” asks Lacey’s ex father-in-law.

“We wouldn’t have been impressed by you and we would have sensed you expected us to be be and that…would have offended our sense of the order of society.” says H. B. Nesheim.

“So why weren’t you out working hard?!” asks her former step-mother-in-law.

“Like a hired hand?!” asks Lacey with disdain. “I know how to work hard. And I’m not some whining foolish bimbo. That should have been obvious!”

“Yeah, you weren’t that impressed by us either.” says her ex father-in-law.

“Yes! She was! …Right?!??” says her former step-mother-in-law desperately.

“Why would she be?!” asks Lem.

The woman thinks. “I think I didn’t realize who you were.”

“Why?!?” asks Lacey in exasperation.

“Because they’re all poor or new money.” says Lem. “All these people attacking you, Lacey, that is.”

“So you have no good digging tendencies?” asks Mr. Blue of Lacey.

Lacey thinks. “What’s a gold digging tendency?”

“Like a tendency to be…mostly just interested in a man’s net worth.” says Mr. Blue.

“Mostly? What’s mostly?” asks Lacey.

“Okay!? …Mostly.” he says indignantly.

“Yes! I know you said that. I’m trying to figure out what you mean by the word mostly.” says Lacey.

“Did I seem awkward to you? When we first met?” asks Lacey’s ex step-mother-in-law to Lacey.

“Yes! You-“ starts Lacey.

“You seemed like a fat, pampered, uncomfortable and uncoordinated bimbo.” says Lem. “You also seemed like you came from a lower class and she felt empathy for you and showed compassion to your accordingly.”

“That’s not true! …Is it?!?” asks a dead woman.

“No! It’s the truth!!!” yells Lem.

“Then why did you tolerate us?!” asks her former step mother-in-law.

“Because I was in love with my ex-husband at the time.” says Lacey, losing patience.

“Well…that’s okay. I just don’t think I understand. …Are most of your cousins like you?” the woman asks Lacey.

“What’s like me?!” asks Lacey.

“Okay! By mostly I mean that a gold digger is a woman is a woman who can’t live with a man who doesn’t have money!” says Mr. Blue.

“That’s even more confusing.” says Lacey.

“Just take it as mostly.” says Batgirl III.

“Ugh! That’s hideous.” says Lacey. “But okay.” She thinks. “No! I’m not mostly or entirely concerned with a man’s net worth.”

Lacey’s former step-mother-in-law thinks. “So you’re not interested in that…at all?!??”

“I didn’t used to be.” says Lacey. “It was a nice thought. But that’s all.”

“When did you change your perspective?” asks Mr. Blue of Lacey.

She thinks. “Once I realized that poor men and new money men loathe my soul’s existence outside of eternal Hell.” says Lacey. “And their brainless, twat women in relation to me follow their lead?”

“Why do we hate you?” asks a living bourgeois gay man who went to Princeton. Is he trying to be funny? It’s genuinely unclear.

“You know…I don’t know.” says Lacey.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays.

And the American Civil War rages on. The sides change. The sides shift.

“When I died for four minutes I saw wet darkness.” says a woman on Tik Tok.

“Then who’s ghost is still fighting the Civil War? Who’s mind made that?” asks Lem.

“I was dead for 45 months!” says Kacey’s grandfather. “Yup! And I never did come back. The wet darkness thing didn’t happen to me.”

“Yeah, and he’s still dead!” says a Civil War veteran.

“I think it’s important to note that near death experiences have always been suspect. You can’t be too careful about them. Because they’re not actual death.” says Kacey’s grandfather.

“I floated up to the ceiling and then experienced wet darkness too!” says a woman on Tik Tok. “Before I came back.”

“So you floated up to the ceiling?!?” asks Lacey.

Kacey’s grandfather laughs.

“Yes! I had a brief out of body experience, before it all cut to black.” says the woman on Tik Tok.

“So why are we supposed to ignore that?!?” asks Lacey in deep aggravation.

“Because it ended.” says the woman on Tik Tok.

“But you didn’t fully die either.” says Lacey.

“No! I didn’t.” she says.

“Then why are you ignoring that fact? You floating upwards is possible evidence of an afterlife.” says Lacey.

“Why?” the woman on Tik Tok asks.

“Because how would you have been able to do that without a scientific permit that we don’t currently understand, so to speak?” asks Lacey.

“You’re saying that you don’t trust men who aren’t old money?!?” asks Mr. Blue of Lacey.

“Exactly.” says Lacey.

“Other than your ex-husband?” asks Lem.

“Yes! They’re so mean!” says Lacey.

“How?” asks Louis.

“They automatically hate you.” says Lacey.

“So your ex husband is new money…but…not new to the upper middle class? And…he grew-up with old money?” asks a perfume hater.

“Pretty much.” says her ex husband’s father.

“How do they hate you?” asks Louis.

“They just seem angry. Or cold. If not at first then eventually.” says Lacey.

“You’re angry!” says a woman to Lacey.

“Not really.” says Lacey. “I do get angry but not…in that way.”

Nobody by Mitski plays.

“Why do we seem angry? Like what are we doing?!” asks Joe Kennedy Junior.

“You just seem to have an innate seething rage towards me personally.” says Lacey. “And I’ve always sensed it, but…only in the last few years have I realized it fully.”

“Would they if you weren’t still legally married to a man of Jewish heritage?” asks her former father-in-law.

“It’d be far worse if I wasn’t still legally married to a man of Jewish heritage.” says Lacey.

“So are white supremacists going to become communists now?” asks a southern man on his lawn mower. “I mean that’s the usual Democrat response to Lacey.”

“Lem you really were angry in your famous quotation?” asks a Princeton graduate.

“Yes! I’m afraid so.” says Lem.

“Angry at which group of people?” asks the Princeton graduate of Lem.

“I was angry at Jack.” says Lem. “I was being sarcastic to a certain degree, although it wasn’t taken as that.”

“No!!” yells a dead man in deep despair who was friends with Lem. Lacey can audibly hear him.

“I was also losing hold of reality and life in general.” says Lem. “People say I became…extreme? Or I liked extremes?! …I became suicidal! And I had little regard for most of humanity. …I cared about actual kids. Teenagers who were impudent little pieces of shit were not my friends. …I was a sad, lost…disturbed man.”

“So you were actually saying ‘What the hell?!’ in a bitter way?” asks a Princeton graduate.

“Yes!!!!!” yells Lem Billings.

“Umm…so…when people from the right comment instinctively on your words that gay men are all miserable because they inherently feel like freaks…maybe…it’s because you weren’t really gay?!” asks a Gen. X woman. “And maybe…you’re a horrible example of a closeted man in history.” She laughs. “Like…maybe you weren’t actually a closeted gay man???”

“So…there’s more of that tone in the quotation isn’t there? Like…it sounds inherently depressed and unhappy?” asks a man in the Illuminati who realizes that it’s stupid that nobody has realized Lem might have been been far more troubled than it seemed.

Put Your Head On My Shoulder by Paul Anka plays.

Michael stares at Lacey.

Copycat by Billie Eilish plays.

“Yes! I was gay. But not homosexual. And…I was…most unhappy not sleeping with women.” says Lem. “But I truly thought I was a homosexual. I didn’t know what it was to truly fall in love with Jack. And that’s why I wasn’t more sad at his wedding. I felt I was losing something…but it was a sense of peace that I had made for myself with what I thought was my flawed mind.” He thinks. “It was startling to think of him as married because it forced me to look at myself more honestly and that picture was…horrifying.”

“How was it horrifying?” asks a Gen. Z woman.

“Because I sincerely thought I was gay. But I didn’t recognize how bizarre my life had become until then.” says Lem. “It was shocking to reflect on my life thus far and more fully recognize how…little I had accomplished for myself with my own talents and interests. And…I thought…I’d be horrible as a husband.” says Lem.

“So you both decided you must be gay more…and you felt an impending sense of doom because you weren’t actually gay at all? …And you were actually completely ruining your life?!” asks a gay actor.

“Worse than that. I was…miserable.” says Lem. “But it clearly wasn’t about Jack. And actually that might have irritated him behind closed doors.”

“Lem…how did you not realize that that wasn’t love?!?” asks a female Millennial skeptically.

He smiles. “Because to be in love…would have meant being…mean.” He thinks. “To be in love I would have had to hurt a lot of people. And…admit to myself that I was molested. …I didn’t recognize how vulnerable I was when I was molested until I was much older. …And…I had no interest in being with a prostitute of any sort.”

“Mean how?!?” asks a Gen. X woman.

“I would like Lacey to explain.” says Lem.

It Is Not Meant To Be by Tame Impala plays.

“So…possibly unlike Michael who may have entertained an interest in men as a possible actual bisexual…Lem possibly never fell in love with any men. …Michael got hurt. Men hurt him, possibly… But he was fully capable psychologically of getting over them. Because they weren’t clinging sociopathically to Michael like a leech on his jugular. …So he could understand the situation in a far more real sense. …And that tragically allowed him enormous sadness at times…because he did feel different and odd. But…life is a fact. So…he loved others. Women too. And…by 23 he…had an at least vague sense of what love was.” says Lacey to lay a premise.

The Consolations of Philosophy by Max Richter plays.

“So…Michael was…a man. Michael became a man. And as a man…he could touch the hand of God and create life. He could reach out and inspire humanity with the beautiful, human paths his mind wandered in with his God given life. …But he died. So…he never got to truly lay his hands on my shoulders or anyone else’s.” She pauses. “But if he had…it would have ripped my heart away. It would have been the death of any other living man’s dreams of ever being being with me…for eternity. And only few men to ever exist could have challenged him. …Maybe that doesn’t sound wicked or scary or…mean…but Lem understood its gravity. Lem knew he could hurt some woman. Lem knew he could hurt a man who might love her…and he felt far too vile to steal any woman away from a man who might not be as…diseased and useless he he beloved be was.

He could hurt a woman. Not by being gay even…and having stronger or even equal desires for men as those he had for women. Yes! He may have wanted women more…as this was the early 20th Century and he thought it was natural to still want women more than men by nature of still having a working penis on his body…even if you were actually a homosexual. Actually…he didn’t really want men at all. But he was a man who felt…his seeming homosexuality was…of more importance than his actual sexual desires. Yes! In 2023 that sounds absurd but this was almost a hundred years ago. And…so…really…in a sort of perverse, tragic way he never grew-up. Not perverse on his part…but perverse on the part of those who kept him dumbed down and vulnerable.

So…he…never learned how to hurt people.” says Lacey.

6 Underground by Sneaker Pimps plays.

“Where Michael would have kissed a married woman at a party who aroused him…if he watched her long enough and saw her…grim misery…Lem…didn’t feel comfortable using that sort of blade on anyone’s heart. He thought sex was evil? Maybe. It was certainly fascinating either way. But…Jackie’s ass was…mediocre. And…even if her lips looked better than any man’s actual cock to touch with his longing, hot lips…he was a responsible, good, kind, loving, decent…man. Well…mostly man…but maybe lacking the knife needed to survive in the American jungle. So…he thought about his self-labeled homosexuality and felt it was wise to…not burden Jackie with another flawed, cracked-up lunatic. Just…try to help her. She was…not like Marilyn. Golly…Marilyn was curvy! Maybe not entirely his ideal…but…well…anyway we all have crosses to bear in life! …So…Lem dabbled along in life…slowly suffocating his soul with his well founded sense of honor that was still alive until his death…but was operating under an increasing number of misunderstandings based on his faulty premise of his homosexuality.” says Lacey.

“So…he was indeed perverse. Not eccentric. But…if you’ve understood correctly it was Jack who was actually perverse? Not Lem?” asks a living gay man.

“If Lem was straight…it’s also possible Jack secretly held him psychologically hostage from the moment he could speak to Lem until long after his death through the web he spun while alive to dull Lem’s mind and control him.” says Lacey.

“Yeah!” says Lem. “Don’t kill the messenger.”

“So Lem…Lacey isn’t an idiot?!? …You’ve actually had long conversations with her about why you lived as a gay man and also claim to have been straight?!? My gosh! Maybe Lacey does have a brain! …Maybe…what she’s saying she’s hearing…is the actual truth?! Huh! …So…you really thought sex was somewhat evil in a way…and…that you best refrain from sex with women because you…were homosexual and you didn’t want to hurt anyone? But…as you aged you also realized that you could have pulled off a heterosexual marriage and it made you angry.” says a man.

“Yes! Mostly! …But I tried. I tried to be kind. I just didn’t understand what it meant to really care about someone in a sexual or romantic way because I only knew what I saw and was told. And…I saw heterosexuality that didn’t arouse me. I never understood…that Lacey as a concept could be real.” says Lem. “I didn’t try to get married exactly…but I did test the waters on occasion with women and it never was received in a way that was hopeful to me or that made me feel like I was insane to think I was gay.”

“So Jack brainwashed you?” says a Gen. X woman.

“Yes. That’s what I’m saying if Lacey is hearing correctly. And…I add that because in her mind that’s a strong accusation to make on her part as the living writer of this blog.” says Lem.

“Yeah, that’s obviously what’s been implied for a while! Duh!” says Carolyn.

“So…you were brainwashed into sexual subserviency to a queer predator after being molested and never processing that in a healthy way?” asks a Boomer of Lem.

“Sexual subserviency?! …In a way, but it was worse than that.” says Lem.

“Because you were gay?” asks Mr. Blue, annoyed.

“That’s preposterous!” says a Gen. X woman trying to imitate Lem. “Lacey you want the truth? You were beautiful! But you were too strong for men to accept as a woman.”

“Umm…I want to ask a question! Lem…you weren’t gay? Right? Okay…umm…so what is Lacey as a concept?!” asks a gay actor in the Illuminati.

“I WASN’T A HOMOSEXUAL! …I WASN’T GAY!” yells Lem. He laughs. “Lacey? As a concept? Alright, we can talk about that.”

“He’s laughing because he’s laughing at you!” Mr. Blue yells at Lacey.

“NO! I’M LAUGHING AT YOU, YOU SICK BASTARD!” says Lem to Mr. Blue.

“You should be classier!” says a man claiming to be a Kennedy to Lacey as an admonishment.

Lacey looks stunned. “I have no idea what he’s even taking about really. Is he saying I’m too…angry?”

“He’s daring to challenge you!” says Mr. Blue.

“Can we just ignore these people?! I have no idea what to say as an appropriate response.” says Lacey to God in complete sincerity.

“I’m referring to Chris Hayes!” yells the man claiming to be a Kennedy.

“You’re still not explaining.” says Lacey.

“Lacey as a concept?” asks Lem. “Yes! Let’s!”

“What is Lacey?” asks a gay man.

“An incredibly beautiful woman who…wants me.” says Lem. “That’s saying a lot. But…I was handsome. I am handsome! …No, she’s a slut for me.” He laughs. “Um…except, she’s not a slut. So…how do I describe her? Because she’s not at all a slut.” He gets serious. “She’s a very earthy person. She’s extremely sensual. It’s difficult to discuss, but I’ll try. …Essentially…she’s…capable of being both like a fervent, God fearing, humble nun…and the most uninhibited, shameless and profoundly beautiful human when it comes to all matters of sex. She’s both genuinely innocent and sublime. And yet…she makes it seem like what it is…just human. Meekly human. Because in her mind the God of the Bible, the Heavenly Father…isn’t a God who hates human sexuality as He intended it. And in the Garden of Eden is was shameless before they fell. And to her…it’s still utterly shameless through Christ’s redemption on the cross. …I’m sure there’s plenty of straight women who have tried to sleep with gay men…to no avail. But Lacey isn’t one of them. No! She’s…an incredibly sensitive person as much as she is beautiful. Somehow I would have and I have…inspired her to question my judgment. And…I’m sure that alone was deeply traumatizing…however…she loves me enough to still have faith that I’m not just a worthless, idiotic, foolish man. …And I know she loves me.” he says. “More later.”

“Are women intoxicating anymore?” asks F. Scott Fitzgerald. “Are men brutish?”

Louis Hill Jr. begins, “Let me take you back to the 1920s; a time when women had small but shapely breasts. A time when women were soft and round and slim and they were powdered and they wore their hair short in smooth shiny curls. …When they walked in and out of rooms you could smell them and it smelled divine.”

“You’d walk up behind a woman and surprise her. And she would have to be coaxed into thinking that it was necessary, but if she loved you…you knew it was only a matter of time and enough kisses on her neck before you’d be making love. And this was common. This was typical. This wasn’t an exceptional experience.” says Harold Loeb.

Lacey‘s neighbor across the street spies Lacey sitting on her front porch wearing a pillowcase on her head. The porch is a mess to L and she highly suspects that her neighbor thinks it’s all very hilarious in the most idiotic way. But of course if she is an idiot in a way…she’d be the first person to say that Lacey probably doesn’t understand a great many things because that’s what people do when they don’t understand, they go around finding things wrong with everyone else because everything is so astounding to them daily. But maybe her neighbor is innocent it’s just that Lacey has had so many difficulties with people who find so many things that are ordinary so astounding. *eye-roll*

“She also keeps pacing back-and-forth with an iPhone and it looks…very…creepy.” says Harold Loeb.

“Yeah, I don’t know why this woman is standing and staring at me. It’s very strange but she’s just standing there staring with her iPhone camera.“ says Lacey. “I literally just had a staring contest with her. I think I just won but it was incredibly immature and awkward, but I guess I don’t know some people matter how old they get never grow up or maybe I’m older than her or something I don’t know.” says Lacey.

“She’s acting like a freak. She’s acting like a stalker and I don’t think she realizes how she looks to any reasonable person coming from your perspective.” says Louis Hill Jr..

“She’s really attached to your house Lacey like really attached to your house and it’s possible that her dead husband is also really attached to your house.” says Harold Loeb.

“It’s like why is she deciding to have this bizarre staring contest? I don’t understand. This is my property. I own this house. And she doesn’t even own that house.“ says Lacey.

“But you have to ask yourself why she’s renting the house across the street and she doesn’t own it. Isn’t that rather suspicious? I mean she used to own your house. She used to own your house Lacey, and she doesn’t anymore. She’s renting. She’s renting the house across the street from the house she used to own. …She’s renting the house across the street from the house that she used to own. …Unfortunately with you, there will always be three issues: your intelligence, your beauty and your money. People who don’t have as much beauty will be jealous. People who don’t have as much intelligence will be threatened, and people who don’t have as much money will be enraged.” says Harold.

“You know I grew-up with women, bullying me for my beauty, and it was kind of par for the course. And I grew up with people being threatened by my intelligence that was also just par for the course. The times I get praise for my beauty or my intelligence, but there was a lot more noteworthy hate directed at me than praise. But my parents had a very meek very meek lifestyle. So…I didn’t understand that our background was that offensive too. It was a way of gaining more approval in the past from people whereas now it’s just offensive.” says Lacey.

More later.

VHS Dream by Deerhunter plays.

“Hi! I am Carolyn Kennedy. You know me from a plane crash in which I died.” says Carolyn with a laugh. “What irritates me is that Lacey has absolutely no fear about dating a bisexual man and that’s actually incredibly progressive and unusual even for a Millennial. Lem well…Lem might’ve actually been straight and that’s all say because I shouldn’t say anything more certain… I am dead, and Lacey is my translator and that’s not a role that she has asked for. …She’s very confident in her femininity and her womanhood and her heterosexuality. So confident that she’s able to date a man who may have been bisexual, or actually was. And I mean Michael Rockefeller, by the way, not Lem. …Why don’t people respect that more? …As I’m talking I get the sense that people believe that I would talk to her…so why do you think I’m talking to her but Lem isn’t? Lem may actually have been straight? And why don’t you think that it’s cool if Michael Rockefeller was bisexual and they could’ve been happily married? I think people don’t like change. …I mean Lacey is not sold on the progressive agenda, but she’s not afraid of differences if they’re workable; like truly feasible. …And I think it’s lovely that Lem had this vile life and then he’s able to have some sort of happiness in this rare way if they’re actually communicating between two different realms of humans. …So I think part of peoples problem is that it’s shocking because it’s different to think of Lem being straight and being confused, and someone being that capable of pretending to be the supposedly disenfranchised group of people. I think he’s probably the only person that’s ever made that mistake. I have a feeling it’s a lot easier to make that mistake if you’ve been molested, than you might think. …I think, though that all that being said about change and the uniqueness of the situation that the real culprit, the real enemy of Lacey is misogyny. If the illuminati exists I think a lot of the attacks that came at her originated in this hidden subversive hatred of women in the Democratic Party. …Why can’t she be what Michael Rockefeller would prefer to a man why can’t she be a housewife and be happy if that’s what she knowingly chooses for herself? Why can’t she be a super feminine and collect perfume and yet still be straight and still be intelligent? Why can’t she get angry and stand up for herself, which is something I relate to, and still be feminine, and still be intelligent and still be straight? Why do we want to limit Lacey? Why are we so desperate to control her? That weird! Why can’t Lem be with a woman and be happier than he ever was with JFK? Why do we assume that that was the answer that Lem was looking for? His happiest life was to have no wife of his own no spouse and just follow someone around his whole life? …I’m being interrupted and attacked right now and I don’t know if it’s by Bobby or some other asshole or a demon or who the fuck it is but it pisses me off and it pisses off Lacey as well. I’m being interrupted and attacked right now and I don’t know if it’s by Bobby or some other asshole or a demon or who the fuck it is but it pisses me off and it pisses off Lacey as well. …And what I keep trying to say is probably super upsetting to people who are pissy little wimps?! OK what I’m trying to say and I’ll try to say it in a way that doesn’t sound like me so it isn’t quite so scary if people are listening…”

Lacey’s ex-husband strangely interrupts.

He leaves.

“What I’m trying to say is that when Lem says ‘What the hell I mean I could’ve had a family of my own but what the hell.’ that said in that way is not a a gay man in the closet who is trying to pontificate about the meaning of his life being all about JFK. That’s not a ringing endorsement for gay marriage and he sounds legitimately angry. It’s more like, ‘I was never lonely I mean I could’ve had a family of my own but what the hell?’ You know it’s like he follows this ‘I was never lonely he may been why I never got married.’ with ‘I mean I could’ve had a family of my own’ and the fact that he follows that so quickly with a statement that sounds angry. Why do people today just ignore the latent animosity and the minimization of his life by himself? I wouldn’t be the minimization of his life. He minimizes his life down to a bedroom in the White House, seeing history up close and personal, and being JFK’s best friend not his lover, his best friend. Not having JFK as his best friend but being JFK’s best friend. That’s also interesting differentiation that he makes.” says Carolyn.

“That’s not Carolyn! Lem was gay! And this is obnoxious to me!” says Wobbly. “You know that’s not Carolyn and you know he was gay and you’re lying about it because you’re just a hideous person.”

“Well are you you?” asks Carolyn of Wobbly.

“I’m not going to dignify this bullshit with a response.” says Wobbly. “I am too good for all of this. I am such a big deal. You have no idea what a big deal I am. I have a headache that I even have to acknowledge that you exist.”

“OK but like what happens when you die and if these are like actual ghosts of people that you knew?” asks Lacey.

“There is no God! When I die I will cease to exist. I am an incredibly educated, intelligent man and I know for a fact that, according to science, there is no God and no I’m not being facetious or ironic. Ha ha. I get the joke! Science! But I know there’s no God OK it’s obvious! Any idiot knows that there’s no God.” says Wobbly.

“So if you die and go to a lower place in Purgatory, which is why I keep warning you about how will that be for you then?“ asks Lacey.

“That isn’t going to happen! OK that isn’t going to happen! That would never happen to me. That would never happen to me. OK that that is not ever some thing that would happen to me.“ says Wobbly.

“I can’t make you repent. I can’t make you. But I’m accountable to God and it scares me you scare me and I really hope you work on your relationship with Christ before you die because it’s not through other people that were saved it’s not through anything other than Jesus Christ.” says Lacey.

“OK first of all I keep making a point and no one is listening to it. Lem sounds angry and you can say, ‘Well he says he was the best friend that anyone could ever ask for and I was his best friend!’ Yes! But he’s comparing and contrasting that to having a life of his own living somewhere. And everything else other than the friendship that he describes, which apparently is just the best sound so shallow: a bedroom and an eyewitness to history. As compared and contrasted to having his own key phrase, his own family. …If I’m Carolyn I’m just gonna say it: Lem was straight. Lem was straight; he was confused and he was trying to be positive and get people’s approval with that statement who were listening to him who wanted him to be in love with JFK even though they would’ve never outright said that themselves at that time. And one way you can see that is that a we’ve interpreted what he was trying to say to mean that he had the best friend ever and he was his best friend and they were the lovers of the century and that’s really the only part of the quotation that anyone takes seriously other than the fact that he says he may have been the reason and he was you know that he didn’t get married and I was never lonely. People take those two parts of what he said and then disregard the entire rest of everything else. And that’s weird. Why don’t people ever realize that he sounds pissed off when he says, ‘I mean I could’ve had a family life of my own but what the hell?’ that that way of saying ‘I mean I could have’ is a strange way of putting it if you’re not angry. He sounds angry OK you guys he sounds angry and until people are honest about that why do you expect Lacey who could be talking to his ghost to give you an ounce of intellectual respect?” says Carolyn. “I mean frankly, the whole he was my best friend I was his best friend thing after saying ‘I mean I could’ve had a family of my own’ sounds patronizing to me. That’s what it sounds like to my ears it sounds patronizing.” She smiles. “And at their wedding he doesn’t look sad like a jealous lover he just doesn’t and I am sorry, but he just doesn’t. …It’s shocking! And it’s hard for Lacey to accept because Lacey is far more scrupulous than the people who have concocted this fairytale that Lem was gay based on his confused life if he was actually straight.”

“Did you read that quotation before or after you started interacting with his possible ghost?” asks a man in the Illuminati.

“I don’t see what difference that makes but I read it after…and actually when I first read it I thought it sounded weird. The cadence really as a writer from my perspective is off if it’s just a ringing endorsement of his life that he lived…it doesn’t there’s something weird about his word choice and the way that he phrases things. And yet I tried to assume the worst, you know I tried to assume that he really was actually trying to make a love statement…but I had-I literally felt like he was umm…at least probably him…seemingly him…was yelling at me.” says Lacey. “I mean I can feel it right now that he is angry and that he was upset. At least it seems like it’s him and no it’s like I’m being yelled at it’s hard to explain other than just say it’s like when someone gets very passionate and emotional and then starts yelling while they’re alive.”

“No like you actually feel like you’re being really like he’s really yelling at you?!” says a man in the Illuminati in disbelief.

“Yes and I would feel guilty and amiss ignoring it. I would be being irresponsible as a person if I didn’t think that it could be him and most likely is him, and that he is trying to tell me that in his own words, ‘I was incredibly angry at Jack when I said that!’ that’s what he said to me he said, ‘When I said that I was very angry at Jack. I hated him.’” says Lacey.

“No that’s not what he said! You’re making that up! Stop lying. I do it all the time but you need to stop you need to stop making stupid shit up to sound cruel or intelligent. It’s obvious you’re just making that up.“ says Wobbly.

“Actually, it’s not obvious and that’s where to me you seem like an immature prick who can’t get over himself!” says a dead Catholic woman who’s been listening. “Do you want me to tell you what happened? I’m an objective observer. I don’t know any of you. I wasn’t rich. I lived in West St. Paul.”

“Actually I would. I would love to know what she has to say.” says a man who lived in and owned Lacey’s house.

“I would! This woman seems genuinely objective, if anyone’s interested in hearing my opinion.” says Harold Loeb.

“Add my yea to that group of people who think that it would be good to hear with this woman has to say.” says Louis.

“Lacey is being told to say that Lem was gay. You guys something is literally interrupting my conversation with her to try to instruct her like she’s an idiot who won’t know the difference into saying that he was gay under the guise that I am the one telling her that. Do you have any idea how disrespectful that is to God and to me and to Lacey?” says the woman from West St. Paul. She sighs. “Quit interrupting us! I know you’re telling her to say other lies because that isn’t me!!” she yells. She attempts to start again. “If there is an Illuminati you people are like idiotic chattering demons who can’t shut-up when it comes to Lacey. And you think there’s gonna be no consequences for being such idiots because God knows your heart?! Or what?! What you’re doing is wrong! Get a clue!” she says, enraged. “You’re not Lem’s sexual gatekeepers! Any of you! And to think that you are is ludicrous. It’s an embarrassment to you and your families.” she says.

“See you can’t stop us, though! Which just means that essentially you’re nothing compared to us! OK you fucking idiot?!” says Mr. Blue to the ghost on behalf of him and Wobbly.

“That’s an absolutely moronic statement. Do you realize how stupid you sound?!” says Lem to Mr. Blue.

“Yeah and I could destroy the US banking system. …Remember how I threw that out a couple of months ago actually was more than a couple months ago. I could do it! I was the one that brought it up. I did it! I brought it up! Not anyone else! Me! And I’m dead. …I’m trying to help you understand how dumb what you’re doing is.” says Michael to Mr. Blue.

“OK whatever you don’t understand spirituality like I do but OK.” says Mr. Blue seriously.

“Are you being serious? That is the dumbest thing I think I’ve ever heard you’re talking to a ghost!” says the woman from West St. Paul. “I am let’s see if I can say this. I am straight. But I knew a gay man once who was a lot like Lem. He had a rough up-bringing and he got in to drinking; a real hard life. He never once ever approached me and talk to me in a sexual way, except for one night when he was sad and he said to me, ‘If I had known what it was gonna be like to be so alone and old age I would’ve married a woman.’ And I said to him, ‘But you knew that that wasn’t what was right for you, right?’ And he looked right at me and he said ‘Listen, you’re not supposed to know this, but I have wanted to make a pass at you for years.’” She laughs. “And I said, ‘Well sure, but it’s not right to live a lie.’ And he looked me dead in the eye and he said ‘I’ll tell you I’ve never really been a homosexual. My dad molested me when I was a child and I’ve never gotten over it and all these years I’ve been trying to make sense of what he did to me by making it somehow making it my choice.’” She looks sad. “And I said, ‘I never knew. I never would’ve known that you had had such a thing happened to you.’ And see that’s what you’ve gotta understand about my generation we didn’t think things through the way that you guys do today we just didn’t. He he told me that he was a straight man. He was! He was a straight man who was trying to make sense of terrible abuse. Don’t be so sure you’ve interpreted Lem’s words as they were meant in the way that he actually said them. People talk differently nowadays than they did in the past and they have different ways of seeing things. I can tell you, but it’s going to be hard for you to understand and it’s gonna be hard for Lacey to believe and I think you know what that means. He was probably straight and you probably massacred that quotation in your historical analysis.” She prays. “You have no idea how much pain Lacey’s been through. You have absolutely no idea what you’ve done to her life and that’s terrifying to me. Lem Billings was straight. Lem was a heterosexual man.”

“Why do you guys diminish him having his own wife and family is that like a carryover from the feminist movement in some weird way?“ asks a Millennial actress of the gay Illuminati.

“Do you know for a fact that Lem was straight because that’s the next thing you know that they’re going to say. They’ll say that you don’t really know you just have some old-fashioned opinion.” says Louis.

“Yes. I do know.” says the ghost from West St. Paul.

“I didn’t mean it in the way that it’s been taken. I, I think it’s sad that people don’t hear the insidious insult that is laced into my words.” says Lem. “Because there’s an insult in there and you have to be blind not to see it. I am essentially saying that being married being settled down, having a family, having kids, having a house, having a stable life of your own and being a middle-class person is gross to me, according to you. And you know you could make me out to be a shallow man, but I wasn’t. I just wasn’t. I wasn’t that shallow. I was insulting all gay men. I was calling you guys supercilious fuckards in the nicest way possible. …I know this is Lacey hearing this right now but I’m telling you , I literally was feeling incredible rage and animosity towards my friends, towards homosexuals in general, towards Jack, and that living somewhere is a quotation from Here To Eternity. And if one of you can honestly say that you were there when I said it, or you know someone who was who was honest about what I was actually saying who was there then I will take I will take what you’re saying and I will work through it with Lacey. But you can’t keep insisting that you know what I was saying.” He sighs. “I was insulting you, and that’s unfair because people in my day were a lot more likely to live the life that I lead than they are today. And you know while the phone was dead Lacey pointed out to me that it does sound romantic the way that I put it and that one particular spot especially And you know while the phone was dead Lacey pointed out to me that it does sound romantic the way that I put it and that one particular spot especially. And it does sound romantic possibly but it also doesn’t sound romantic possibly and you have to admit that. To Lacey‘s ears when she first heard it, it sounded not so much gay as like a hyperbole… …Let’s just say that it was hyperbole or something along those lines, or that I was trying to intimate something, but I wasn’t…I wasn’t actually endorsing it, which sounds so weak, compared to what I may have actually meant if I was really as angry as I have said. But I could’ve been trying to say, ‘Hey, I lived the gay life and it’s total fucking shit and I’m mad as hell but who cares right!? I’ll let you decide. I’ll let history decide how shitty of a life I actually had.’ And let’s just say that it was something like that or far worse and I’m holding back because I haven’t fully explained it to Lacey and it’s possible there are things that she doesn’t know that make me seem even angrier and ‘more straighter’ so to speak about the context in which I said it, the people I was talking to, etc.. …If I am real and I am Lem and we’re together I now have to spend the rest of Lacey‘s life trying to convince her that I was straight. And I don’t think you realize what that’s like for me because she is completely fine with the thought that I was gay and then I just somehow would’ve still preferred her. And that’s not an easy thing to do in enough itself to convince her that I really was capable of preferring her to JFK. …And then on top of that, I have to you know, convince her that I am real, that God is possibly allowing me to talk with her and be with her before her death. And that’s a lot right there that’s a lot but then on top of that I’m supposed to somehow convince her that I was straight if I was actually straight and it’s exasperating. And it’s difficult to deal with the fact that there are possibly people in secret societies that have ways of listening that aren’t fair to begin with…and then they use those privileges to harass and try to destroy Lacey‘s life, not for Satan mystic purposes, that is incredibly self-indulgent and delusional of them to suppose about themselves, and their true intentions. And you could say, ‘Yeah well that’s how Satan works.’ OK a charismatic Christian might say that. But it’s not Satanism! What they’re doing is based on a pathological obsession with Lacey. They have no deeper meaning to what they’re doing. They’re just immature, naive idiots. …And then, on top of the idiot brigade of the so-called illuminated, should that organization exist… I have to deal with the fact that there are other dead, living in Christ men who Lacey could be with.”

“Lem got cut off quite a few times. There was a lot that he was trying to say that was far more eloquent than what is being put down on the blog.” says Louis. “You’re not hearing everything he’s thinking because he says it in his own words and then people play with Lacey‘s phone and think that it won’t matter no one reads her blog or somehow it just won’t matter. These people don’t understand the Illuminati. They’re new money, they’re idiots and they’re controlling as fuck! And they don’t understand what’s for their own good. They have no idea when to just let things go because they don’t know they don’t know what their motivations are. They…they cannot stand the fact that she knows more than they do about a great many things. I mean, isn’t that why you approached her to begin with right because she knew something and she had some authority in the perfume community and she irritated you because you think you’re a fucking expert?! Because you joined the illuminati and you grew up in white poverty and so you think because you went to Brown and you joined the Illuminati that you want-you’re like Chris Hayes! You’re a big fucking big shot! And so when you see someone who has some authority over some issue or knows something that you don’t have any knowledge about your ego is violently threatened, isn’t that right? You’ll never be anything more than a low class workaholic asshole. That’s all you are! You’re not the expert of the fucking universe you fucking idiot! …You’re not old money and neither was your little nitwit mistress who instigated the attack on Lacey by the Illuminati to get even with her for existing. …You’re both hicks. You are both backward hicks and you’re both incredibly bitter about it. Can you try to get over it or do we have to bring round the end of the world to get you to morons to get into your place? She burst your bubble. She burst both of your narcissistic bubbles. And your resort was to try to inculcate her into the illuminati to make her feel like she was losing her mind or what you sacrificed her family, because the whole nation is essentially a bankrupt piece of shit. …And it’s embarrassing to me that they did. And it’s embarrassing to me that they didn’t realize how dumb they make the entire fucking country look either trying to sacrifice her family or by patronizing your absolute astronomical idiocy.” He seethes. “Do you have any idea what a fucking mess you morons have made of everything? And then you think you have the right to tell her anything?!? No, you Mr. Blue, Wobbly and the Bat Crew should shut-up for your own damn good. And don’t misunderstand my words you little nothing and you know who I’m talking to, and I say that you are nothing compared to me. I am better educated and far smarter than you are.” says Louis.

“He’s right. I was far too nice to most people and it gave a lot of you the wrong impression about a great many things.” says Prince Philip.

“And I’m going to have to treat all of you like you don’t necessarily exist because that’s the reality that Lacey has to live with. So we are no longer going to have discussions about whether or not I was homosexual. I will have to explain myself to her over time in my own way if I’m real. And I’m not particularly worried about it. If I am Lem Billings. And in that sense I may worry somewhat about other men, but I don’t worry that God won’t give me a chance to try to explain to her that I love her and explain who I really am. And was. And so on that note, we will no longer be having discussions of this nature unless absolutely necessary and believe me when I say that it’s a warning to you. Will you always be dumber than Louis Hill Junior, what was Prince Philip hiding about the nature of reality because he was trying to be nice those are interesting questions?”

A few minutes later.

“I didn’t think that that statement that Lem made was clear and that’s all that I should probably say. ….That being said what really fascinated me was my next door neighbor.” says Lacey. “She was very odd this morning. And honestly…her dead husband might have expressed some sadness to me about certain things.”

“What sort of things, darling?” asks Lem.

Lace smiles sheepishly.

F. Scott Fitzgerald laughs.

“Huh. Hey, Mr. Blue…you wanna get into a fight with Louis again?” says Lacey jokingly.

“It can’t be that bad!” says Mr. Blue.

“What if it is?!” says Louis.

“What did he tell you?!” asks Lem of Lacey.

“He told me it was difficult to watch his wife date other men.” says Lacey.

Later.

“Except you didn’t just say that he was upset you said he was angry and I think that’s important distinction. A man who is angry that his wife is dating other people isn’t someone who is just disappointed. It’s someone who is very angry.” says Lem to Lacey. “Your ex-husband and you had a conversation today about how he had seen men dating your neighbor who used to own your house, who may have a dead husband who was able to talk to you for some reason. And he said that he had seen men at her house and you hadn’t, but you had the sense from her ex-husband that there had been men at her house, and that it was very upsetting to him. Lacey, it’s stuff like that that is harder to explain away than you think. …And I am going to spend the rest of your life proving the truth to you because I want you to understand that I love you more than I’ve loved any other human to ever exist.” he says. “ and when you die should I be lame I don’t want the transition to be shocking to you. I want it to be very simple and obviously God has to be there and make the entire thing happen.”

“What is it that is so disconcerting to me about him?” asks Lacey.

“Empathy. Grief that you can’t really say anything, and I think on certain level you might even feel some shock because it probably is shocking to him.” says Lem.

“Did he just not expect her to date that many other people? I mean is she even dating that many other people but if she is, did he really think that she wouldn’t and if so what what is it about that that makes me so uneasy?” says Lacey.

“I think it’s that it’s a façade. It’s it’s that you don’t like the fact that there was any sort of façade and it’s just devastating to you to think that he didn’t know if he didn’t know that part of her somehow she could’ve predicted it or some thing.“ says Lacey.

More later.