I Will Run From You by Cemeteries plays.

When Lacey was young she was breathtakingly beautiful. She’s still beautiful now, but when she was young she was almost epic in her beauty.

…Lacey…tried to look nice. She had hair done. She took good enough care of her skin. She dressed fine. But…with very little effort she captivated everyone who saw her.

“You’re paranoid!” said her aunt (who raised her) said to her with seething annoyance, indifference and indignation when Lacey told her in innocence and fear that she felt like everyone was staring at her at a mall. So…Lacey hates going out in public to this day.

That same aunt later coolly and objectively told her, “I think…everyone wants to look like you.”

These people are not like you?

But…but…but…they’re the direct descendants of the Vikings.

No. Lacey wasn’t stylist. She was just…naturally unusual. Humble too.

“Nobody who wasn’t a narcissist would call themselves epic even if they were!” says an idiotic young person in 2023. Their minds are rotted out and tragic. Let’s pray their reasoning ability necessary for the survival of humanity and truth itself makes a comeback.

“We’re not all that narcissistic and stupid! I promise!” says an Instagram guru in Gen. Z.

“But you ate the poison and it’s killing us all off slowly.” says Lacey.

“Because we all need each other.” says a Boomer. “To survive.”

“Yes, and you can say it with facetious melodrama to make it sound stupid, but it’s true.” says Lacey.

But…the thing is…Lacey’s ex step mother-in-law thought Lacey was a gold digger. Her ex’s whole family did. And…if the Illuminati exists…so did Mr. Blue and the Bat Crew.

And…hilariously…it wasn’t until this week that Lacey understood what they meant.


It’s not that Lacey doesn’t understand the definition of the term gold digger. No. …It’s that…she was told she was exceptional, scientifically speaking. But her daily experience of being that beautiful and being cognizant of what was going on in practice so to speak was kept out of her reach. So…she was gaslit every time she tried to figure out why people were responding hatefully to her beauty, or why they stared. It sounds…absurd but that’s the mental game her family and her cruel friends always played on her. Always.

“Rest assured you’re ugly!” said Casi of the perfume community to Lacey, in a pathetic attempt to be cool, witty, sophisticated and clever using some sort of incoherent narcissistic irony.

Because that’s the societal norm. The societal norm is for women today, suckers that they have become, to be cruel to Lacey to feel less shame in their innate inferiority. It’s their hot fudge sunday with sprinkles. Poor sods. …Truly.

“Take off your plastic talons before you poke out your eyes or someone else’s.” says Zelda.

“Lacey, the idea was that you were sexy and like one of those women. Do you know those women? You’ve seen them.” Lem said to her while she was gardening. He brought to mind the image of a curvaceous, high heel wearing, expensive handbag totting, extremely well kept Millennial woman in 2007 who would have easily been seen as a gold digger in Lacey’s youth had she dated men with any sort of money.

And that was when she finally understood what all her most violent and damaging haters thought she was.

“But I look nothing like those women. I mean I suppose I might be that pretty…but that’s not how I was raised. And that should be obvious. Although my ex’s step-mother did insist otherwise… But…that’s weird.” says Lacey now.

“You’re not that pretty!” yells Mr. Blue seriously to Lacey.

“Okay, but I might be. Right? And your idiotic reflex to insist otherwise is creepy, actually.” says Lacey.

“You didn’t dress that way.” says Lem. “You’re right.” He thinks. “But I think they thought they were being shrewd in identifying a hidden gold digger.” He raises his finger. “These are not people nearly as sophisticated as they assume they are.” He thinks. “Why they thought your family were poor con artists…beyond being ridiculous and grossly insulting…is because you stood up for your family and they felt narcissistically insulted by your family so they reacted like babbling lunatic idiots?” He thinks. “And they don’t know people like your family.” He thinks. “And they could sense coldness from your family towards you. So they assumed you were loved…by trashy people. Not…unloved by elegant, upper-class Vikings who wouldn’t acknowledge them in public out of disdain.”

“I wasn’t a con artist either. Bootleggers aren’t con artists. And I was old money. But nevertheless I’m sure these buffoons would label me otherwise? …Lem, you need to be far clearer.” says Tommy Banks.

“Well, you fooled me!” says Casi to Lacey like Lacey is supposed to automatically know on a very deep level what she’s hinting about.

“What?!?” says Lacey seriously to Casi.

“You’re old money, but you fooled me into thinking you weren’t.” she says with a smirk.

“So…you still think I’m not…but…you’re saying if backwards?” asks Lacey.

“Would your family really snub me?” asks Lacey’s ex father-in-law.

“We wouldn’t have been impressed by you and we would have sensed you expected us to be be and that…would have offended our sense of the order of society.” says H. B. Nesheim.

“So why weren’t you out working hard?!” asks her former step-mother-in-law.

“Like a hired hand?!” asks Lacey with disdain. “I know how to work hard. And I’m not some whining foolish bimbo. That should have been obvious!”

“Yeah, you weren’t that impressed by us either.” says her ex father-in-law.

“Yes! She was! …Right?!??” says her former step-mother-in-law desperately.

“Why would she be?!” asks Lem.

The woman thinks. “I think I didn’t realize who you were.”

“Why?!?” asks Lacey in exasperation.

“Because they’re all poor or new money.” says Lem. “All these people attacking you, Lacey, that is.”

“So you have no good digging tendencies?” asks Mr. Blue of Lacey.

Lacey thinks. “What’s a gold digging tendency?”

“Like a tendency to be…mostly just interested in a man’s net worth.” says Mr. Blue.

“Mostly? What’s mostly?” asks Lacey.

“Okay!? …Mostly.” he says indignantly.

“Yes! I know you said that. I’m trying to figure out what you mean by the word mostly.” says Lacey.

“Did I seem awkward to you? When we first met?” asks Lacey’s ex step-mother-in-law to Lacey.

“Yes! You-“ starts Lacey.

“You seemed like a fat, pampered, uncomfortable and uncoordinated bimbo.” says Lem. “You also seemed like you came from a lower class and she felt empathy for you and showed compassion to your accordingly.”

“That’s not true! …Is it?!?” asks a dead woman.

“No! It’s the truth!!!” yells Lem.

“Then why did you tolerate us?!” asks her former step mother-in-law.

“Because I was in love with my ex-husband at the time.” says Lacey, losing patience.

“Well…that’s okay. I just don’t think I understand. …Are most of your cousins like you?” the woman asks Lacey.

“What’s like me?!” asks Lacey.

“Okay! By mostly I mean that a gold digger is a woman is a woman who can’t live with a man who doesn’t have money!” says Mr. Blue.

“That’s even more confusing.” says Lacey.

“Just take it as mostly.” says Batgirl III.

“Ugh! That’s hideous.” says Lacey. “But okay.” She thinks. “No! I’m not mostly or entirely concerned with a man’s net worth.”

Lacey’s former step-mother-in-law thinks. “So you’re not interested in that…at all?!??”

“I didn’t used to be.” says Lacey. “It was a nice thought. But that’s all.”

“When did you change your perspective?” asks Mr. Blue of Lacey.

She thinks. “Once I realized that poor men and new money men loathe my soul’s existence outside of eternal Hell.” says Lacey. “And their brainless, twat women in relation to me follow their lead?”

“Why do we hate you?” asks a living bourgeois gay man who went to Princeton. Is he trying to be funny? It’s genuinely unclear.

“You know…I don’t know.” says Lacey.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays.

And the American Civil War rages on. The sides change. The sides shift.

“When I died for four minutes I saw wet darkness.” says a woman on Tik Tok.

“Then who’s ghost is still fighting the Civil War? Who’s mind made that?” asks Lem.

“I was dead for 45 months!” says Kacey’s grandfather. “Yup! And I never did come back. The wet darkness thing didn’t happen to me.”

“Yeah, and he’s still dead!” says a Civil War veteran.

“I think it’s important to note that near death experiences have always been suspect. You can’t be too careful about them. Because they’re not actual death.” says Kacey’s grandfather.

“I floated up to the ceiling and then experienced wet darkness too!” says a woman on Tik Tok. “Before I came back.”

“So you floated up to the ceiling?!?” asks Lacey.

Kacey’s grandfather laughs.

“Yes! I had a brief out of body experience, before it all cut to black.” says the woman on Tik Tok.

“So why are we supposed to ignore that?!?” asks Lacey in deep aggravation.

“Because it ended.” says the woman on Tik Tok.

“But you didn’t fully die either.” says Lacey.

“No! I didn’t.” she says.

“Then why are you ignoring that fact? You floating upwards is possible evidence of an afterlife.” says Lacey.

“Why?” the woman on Tik Tok asks.

“Because how would you have been able to do that without a scientific permit that we don’t currently understand, so to speak?” asks Lacey.

“You’re saying that you don’t trust men who aren’t old money?!?” asks Mr. Blue of Lacey.

“Exactly.” says Lacey.

“Other than your ex-husband?” asks Lem.

“Yes! They’re so mean!” says Lacey.

“How?” asks Louis.

“They automatically hate you.” says Lacey.

“So your ex husband is new money…but…not new to the upper middle class? And…he grew-up with old money?” asks a perfume hater.

“Pretty much.” says her ex husband’s father.

“How do they hate you?” asks Louis.

“They just seem angry. Or cold. If not at first then eventually.” says Lacey.

“You’re angry!” says a woman to Lacey.

“Not really.” says Lacey. “I do get angry but not…in that way.”

Nobody by Mitski plays.

“Why do we seem angry? Like what are we doing?!” asks Joe Kennedy Junior.

“You just seem to have an innate seething rage towards me personally.” says Lacey. “And I’ve always sensed it, but…only in the last few years have I realized it fully.”

“Would they if you weren’t still legally married to a man of Jewish heritage?” asks her former father-in-law.

“It’d be far worse if I wasn’t still legally married to a man of Jewish heritage.” says Lacey.

“So are white supremacists going to become communists now?” asks a southern man on his lawn mower. “I mean that’s the usual Democrat response to Lacey.”

“Lem you really were angry in your famous quotation?” asks a Princeton graduate.

“Yes! I’m afraid so.” says Lem.

“Angry at which group of people?” asks the Princeton graduate of Lem.

“I was angry at Jack.” says Lem. “I was being sarcastic to a certain degree, although it wasn’t taken as that.”

“No!!” yells a dead man in deep despair who was friends with Lem. Lacey can audibly hear him.

“I was also losing hold of reality and life in general.” says Lem. “People say I became…extreme? Or I liked extremes?! …I became suicidal! And I had little regard for most of humanity. …I cared about actual kids. Teenagers who were impudent little pieces of shit were not my friends. …I was a sad, lost…disturbed man.”

“So you were actually saying ‘What the hell?!’ in a bitter way?” asks a Princeton graduate.

“Yes!!!!!” yells Lem Billings.

“Umm…so…when people from the right comment instinctively on your words that gay men are all miserable because they inherently feel like freaks…maybe…it’s because you weren’t really gay?!” asks a Gen. X woman. “And maybe…you’re a horrible example of a closeted man in history.” She laughs. “Like…maybe you weren’t actually a closeted gay man???”

“So…there’s more of that tone in the quotation isn’t there? Like…it sounds inherently depressed and unhappy?” asks a man in the Illuminati who realizes that it’s stupid that nobody has realized Lem might have been been far more troubled than it seemed.

Put Your Head On My Shoulder by Paul Anka plays.

Michael stares at Lacey.

Copycat by Billie Eilish plays.

“Yes! I was gay. But not homosexual. And…I was…most unhappy not sleeping with women.” says Lem. “But I truly thought I was a homosexual. I didn’t know what it was to truly fall in love with Jack. And that’s why I wasn’t more sad at his wedding. I felt I was losing something…but it was a sense of peace that I had made for myself with what I thought was my flawed mind.” He thinks. “It was startling to think of him as married because it forced me to look at myself more honestly and that picture was…horrifying.”

“How was it horrifying?” asks a Gen. Z woman.

“Because I sincerely thought I was gay. But I didn’t recognize how bizarre my life had become until then.” says Lem. “It was shocking to reflect on my life thus far and more fully recognize how…little I had accomplished for myself with my own talents and interests. And…I thought…I’d be horrible as a husband.” says Lem.

“So you both decided you must be gay more…and you felt an impending sense of doom because you weren’t actually gay at all? …And you were actually completely ruining your life?!” asks a gay actor.

“Worse than that. I was…miserable.” says Lem. “But it clearly wasn’t about Jack. And actually that might have irritated him behind closed doors.”

“Lem…how did you not realize that that wasn’t love?!?” asks a female Millennial skeptically.

He smiles. “Because to be in love…would have meant being…mean.” He thinks. “To be in love I would have had to hurt a lot of people. And…admit to myself that I was molested. …I didn’t recognize how vulnerable I was when I was molested until I was much older. …And…I had no interest in being with a prostitute of any sort.”

“Mean how?!?” asks a Gen. X woman.

“I would like Lacey to explain.” says Lem.

It Is Not Meant To Be by Tame Impala plays.

“So…possibly unlike Michael who may have entertained an interest in men as a possible actual bisexual…Lem possibly never fell in love with any men. …Michael got hurt. Men hurt him, possibly… But he was fully capable psychologically of getting over them. Because they weren’t clinging sociopathically to Michael like a leech on his jugular. …So he could understand the situation in a far more real sense. …And that tragically allowed him enormous sadness at times…because he did feel different and odd. But…life is a fact. So…he loved others. Women too. And…by 23 he…had an at least vague sense of what love was.” says Lacey to lay a premise.

The Consolations of Philosophy by Max Richter plays.

“So…Michael was…a man. Michael became a man. And as a man…he could touch the hand of God and create life. He could reach out and inspire humanity with the beautiful, human paths his mind wandered in with his God given life. …But he died. So…he never got to truly lay his hands on my shoulders or anyone else’s.” She pauses. “But if he had…it would have ripped my heart away. It would have been the death of any other living man’s dreams of ever being being with me…for eternity. And only few men to ever exist could have challenged him. …Maybe that doesn’t sound wicked or scary or…mean…but Lem understood its gravity. Lem knew he could hurt some woman. Lem knew he could hurt a man who might love her…and he felt far too vile to steal any woman away from a man who might not be as…diseased and useless he he beloved be was.

He could hurt a woman. Not by being gay even…and having stronger or even equal desires for men as those he had for women. Yes! He may have wanted women more…as this was the early 20th Century and he thought it was natural to still want women more than men by nature of still having a working penis on his body…even if you were actually a homosexual. Actually…he didn’t really want men at all. But he was a man who felt…his seeming homosexuality was…of more importance than his actual sexual desires. Yes! In 2023 that sounds absurd but this was almost a hundred years ago. And…so…really…in a sort of perverse, tragic way he never grew-up. Not perverse on his part…but perverse on the part of those who kept him dumbed down and vulnerable.

So…he…never learned how to hurt people.” says Lacey.

6 Underground by Sneaker Pimps plays.

“Where Michael would have kissed a married woman at a party who aroused him…if he watched her long enough and saw her…grim misery…Lem…didn’t feel comfortable using that sort of blade on anyone’s heart. He thought sex was evil? Maybe. It was certainly fascinating either way. But…Jackie’s ass was…mediocre. And…even if her lips looked better than any man’s actual cock to touch with his longing, hot lips…he was a responsible, good, kind, loving, decent…man. Well…mostly man…but maybe lacking the knife needed to survive in the American jungle. So…he thought about his self-labeled homosexuality and felt it was wise to…not burden Jackie with another flawed, cracked-up lunatic. Just…try to help her. She was…not like Marilyn. Golly…Marilyn was curvy! Maybe not entirely his ideal…but…well…anyway we all have crosses to bear in life! …So…Lem dabbled along in life…slowly suffocating his soul with his well founded sense of honor that was still alive until his death…but was operating under an increasing number of misunderstandings based on his faulty premise of his homosexuality.” says Lacey.

“So…he was indeed perverse. Not eccentric. But…if you’ve understood correctly it was Jack who was actually perverse? Not Lem?” asks a living gay man.

“If Lem was straight…it’s also possible Jack secretly held him psychologically hostage from the moment he could speak to Lem until long after his death through the web he spun while alive to dull Lem’s mind and control him.” says Lacey.

“Yeah!” says Lem. “Don’t kill the messenger.”

“So Lem…Lacey isn’t an idiot?!? …You’ve actually had long conversations with her about why you lived as a gay man and also claim to have been straight?!? My gosh! Maybe Lacey does have a brain! …Maybe…what she’s saying she’s hearing…is the actual truth?! Huh! …So…you really thought sex was somewhat evil in a way…and…that you best refrain from sex with women because you…were homosexual and you didn’t want to hurt anyone? But…as you aged you also realized that you could have pulled off a heterosexual marriage and it made you angry.” says a man.

“Yes! Mostly! …But I tried. I tried to be kind. I just didn’t understand what it meant to really care about someone in a sexual or romantic way because I only knew what I saw and was told. And…I saw heterosexuality that didn’t arouse me. I never understood…that Lacey as a concept could be real.” says Lem. “I didn’t try to get married exactly…but I did test the waters on occasion with women and it never was received in a way that was hopeful to me or that made me feel like I was insane to think I was gay.”

“So Jack brainwashed you?” says a Gen. X woman.

“Yes. That’s what I’m saying if Lacey is hearing correctly. And…I add that because in her mind that’s a strong accusation to make on her part as the living writer of this blog.” says Lem.

“Yeah, that’s obviously what’s been implied for a while! Duh!” says Carolyn.

“So…you were brainwashed into sexual subserviency to a queer predator after being molested and never processing that in a healthy way?” asks a Boomer of Lem.

“Sexual subserviency?! …In a way, but it was worse than that.” says Lem.

“Because you were gay?” asks Mr. Blue, annoyed.

“That’s preposterous!” says a Gen. X woman trying to imitate Lem. “Lacey you want the truth? You were beautiful! But you were too strong for men to accept as a woman.”

“Umm…I want to ask a question! Lem…you weren’t gay? Right? Okay…umm…so what is Lacey as a concept?!” asks a gay actor in the Illuminati.

“I WASN’T A HOMOSEXUAL! …I WASN’T GAY!” yells Lem. He laughs. “Lacey? As a concept? Alright, we can talk about that.”

“He’s laughing because he’s laughing at you!” Mr. Blue yells at Lacey.


“You should be classier!” says a man claiming to be a Kennedy to Lacey as an admonishment.

Lacey looks stunned. “I have no idea what he’s even taking about really. Is he saying I’m too…angry?”

“He’s daring to challenge you!” says Mr. Blue.

“Can we just ignore these people?! I have no idea what to say as an appropriate response.” says Lacey to God in complete sincerity.

“I’m referring to Chris Hayes!” yells the man claiming to be a Kennedy.

“You’re still not explaining.” says Lacey.

“Lacey as a concept?” asks Lem. “Yes! Let’s!”

“What is Lacey?” asks a gay man.

“An incredibly beautiful woman who…wants me.” says Lem. “That’s saying a lot. But…I was handsome. I am handsome! …No, she’s a slut for me.” He laughs. “Um…except, she’s not a slut. So…how do I describe her? Because she’s not at all a slut.” He gets serious. “She’s a very earthy person. She’s extremely sensual. It’s difficult to discuss, but I’ll try. …Essentially…she’s…capable of being both like a fervent, God fearing, humble nun…and the most uninhibited, shameless and profoundly beautiful human when it comes to all matters of sex. She’s both genuinely innocent and sublime. And yet…she makes it seem like what it is…just human. Meekly human. Because in her mind the God of the Bible, the Heavenly Father…isn’t a God who hates human sexuality as He intended it. And in the Garden of Eden is was shameless before they fell. And to her…it’s still utterly shameless through Christ’s redemption on the cross. …I’m sure there’s plenty of straight women who have tried to sleep with gay men…to no avail. But Lacey isn’t one of them. No! She’s…an incredibly sensitive person as much as she is beautiful. Somehow I would have and I have…inspired her to question my judgment. And…I’m sure that alone was deeply traumatizing…however…she loves me enough to still have faith that I’m not just a worthless, idiotic, foolish man. …And I know she loves me.” he says. “More later.”