Category Archives: Journal

The problem Lacey has is simple. She’s a Christian and she’s stuck in a life that’s untenable, theoretically, without talking to the dead.

Untenable? Yes. …For whatever reason the men today are so youthful to her. Far too youthful. She can’t relate to them and possibly never has been able to, fully.

“Oh! You read A Separate Peace too?” asked a closeted lesbian at college thinking Lacey’s love for that classic novel was a sign Lacey might relate to her sexually. But no, Lacey found the boys in that novel fascinating in and of themselves. She wished the young men her age were more interesting and human-like like those boys.

“Weren’t they all homosexual?” asks Michael.

Lacey laughs.

“Of course they weren’t.” he says mournfully.

“Maybe it’d be less awful in Great Britain.” muses Lacey.

“Yes, at least future kings still have good heartfelt fights with their brothers like men because they love them there.” says Michael.

“That’s supposed to be evil isn’t it? Or trashy? But…it isn’t. It’s fantastic.” says Lacey. “It made me angry to see that spectacle too. Things still matter, you know.”

Mourning Sound by Grizzly Bear plays.

“It wasn’t ever appropriate to harm me. Just because I’m so unusual. So intelligent and mature…for my age. But…once I turned 25 I was doomed if I didn’t have some warning. And I didn’t.” says Lacey.

“No, you aren’t an argument for pedophilia. But you are yet another argument for pain mattering.” says Michael.

“If you’d lived you would have been 70. That’s so old. But…I’d have loved you. And now you’d be 85. And possibly almost dead. Or dead.” says Lacey.

“And I’m a dream. I’m your absolute ideal.” says Lem. “Should I have been straight.”

“Yes! Very much so.” says Lacey. “But if I’d met Michael…would I have been happy?”

“If I’d pursued you.” posits Michael.

“Would you have?!” wonders Lacey.

“No. I’d have looked at you in your beauty and sensed your loneliness and just walked by you and decided to let you die inside.” says Michael sarcastically.

“Even at 70?” asks Lacey seriously.

“Yes. You’d have been scared of me at first, but in a week or two you’d have been mine.” Then he mentally references the famous artist from the 1950’s who made eyes at her when she was 22.

“But it’s too late now. And yet…I can’t easily love Millennial men. Their minds seem so far away.” says Lacey.

“That’s how I’d have sensed your loneliness.” says Michael. “It’d have felt personal.”

“Gross!” says the Charismatic.

“What’s gross? The thought of a 70 year old falling in love with a 25? What if he was basically still perfect looking and in good health?” asks Lacey.

“Or he aged like me.” says Lem, sadly.

“You were still handsome in your 60’s.” says Lacey to Lem.

“Would you have rather slept with Lem at 61 or me?” asks the Charismatic.

“At what age? Right now, it’s easily Lem. But he’s dead. Long dead…” says Lacey. “You’re very handsome. Truly. But he was just…different.” She thinks. “It’s his bone structure. His mind… Everything.”

“But me… We were talking about me.” says Michael.

Looking sad, “At age 25.” says the Charismatic.

Silver Soul is sung by Joe Jr. to Lacey, with emphasis on the line, “complete illusion.”

“At age 25 I’d have found Lem irresistible. Fascinating. Tragic. …At 25 I’d have found Michael…less attractive at first. But…if he’d pursued me I’d have fallen for him.” says Lacey.

The charismatic looks at Lacey curiously. “Why?!”

Rules by Doja Cat plays. Don’t listen to it.

“Where he at?!” says Lacey belligerently.

Louis laughs.

“No. It’s not about the money in that way. At all.” says Lacey.

“Is it a joke?” asks Michael.

“What?” asks Lacey.

“The money?” he asks.

Rules plays.

“Shake that ass!” says Michael poetically.

“It’s all out of time.” says Lacey. “And our money is stuck in death.”

The song plays.

“It’s supposed to be conquered by Christ.” says Lacey.

“The money?” asks Michael.

“All of it. The part worth saving, anyway.” says Lacey about romantic love.

“That’s the money.” says Michael.

“Exactly. Unless you’re going bankrupt.” says Lacey. “It’s love or you go broke eventually.”

“You go broke either way.” says a bankrupt businessman.

“But you can climb out of Hell somehow if you have actual love.” says Lacey. “Or you die trying.”

“Bingo.” says Joe Jr..

“You blew it.” Lacey says to him. “But did you care anyway?”

“Or did I just see you as Lem?” he asks in the possible language of the dead in Christ.

“Or mine?” asks Michael.

“I might not have realized you’d have loved Michael.” says Joe Jr.. “I wonder why we named our Michael after Lem.”

“Money really is very limited.” says Michael.

Amon laughs. “Music was Satan’s business.”

“Poetry explains it all.” Lacey says to Scott.

“And without God it’s just all spun around. And around. For no meaning.” says Zelda.

Friends by Vacations plays. Lacey cries.

“But it’s difficult to imagine no God.” says Lacey.

“And is that because you are rich or saved?” asks Michael. “What is rich?”

“Exactly. Money is money. It’s nothing else.” says Lacey. “And then you get trapped. Until death. And without love…how do you survive?” She thinks. “I feel so trapped.”

“And if it’s evil to love me then what do you have?” asks Michael.

Day One by Hans Zimmer plays.

Lem grieves. He grieves his blindness.

“Or love me.” says Lem.

“It’s not what I would want. But I’m almost 40. Life goes faster the older you get. If it’s not evil and it’s real…and if I’m not going to Hell…it’s livable for a little while longer.” says Lacey.

“But then you’re just looking forward to death?” asks a perfume hater.

“Millions of people just died of Covid.” says Lacey. “Without love what’s the point of life? And God is love. And love is only God’s. And life is mercifully short.”

“Eighty years is short?” asks a man who worries he’s going to Hell.

“Yes. Very short. And then if God loves us and we accept our salvation it seems the evil illusion ends.” says Lacey. “But it’s terrifying. And so one shouldn’t leave the good womb until God decides it. It’s far too dangerous.”

“You know, you’d have felt the same way. If you’d married Michael. Right now.” says a dead businessman. “You’d be his grieving widow.” He smiles.

Liszt plays.

“And I’d be wondering about Lem.” says Lacey.

“And grieving the death of Queen Elizabeth II.” says a woman.

“She was a reminder of God’s love. And hope.” says Lacey.

“But you have your kids! And no Michael. But you have your kids and they have a dad who’s alive and young enough to be there for them.” says a Catholic nun.

“True.” says Lacey.

Then suddenly Lacey wonders if that’s a real dead or living nun. And she stands in awe and terror of God.

“I’d see the rest of my life as a cool down of sorts. Like after a good workout.” says Lacey. “If I’d married Michael.”

“Would you have remarried?” asks a reader.

“No. Never.” says Lacey.

“Really?” asks Rocky.

“No. Only Lem or Louis…maybe Hal Loeb could have brought me out of being a widow. Lem, yes. Louis…is Louis. Hal is so beautiful and profound. But…Michael is irreplaceable.” says Lacey.

“I almost think you should just think of yourself as his widow. Poetically. Or something or another. Because for all we know you are in some other universe.” says a perfume hater.

“Well…what about us? And what about the fact that she’s sleeping with ghosts? Or demons.” says the charismatic. He thinks. “I think if you can see them or they can touch you you need to stop thinking of yourself as single, unless you feel convicted that they’re not ghosts but demons.”

“Like you feel lied to? Like…you thought she was available but in reality she’s not? Because we can just swoop in and then you’re toast?” asks Michael.

“Yes! Did you two do that? When I was flirting with her this summer?!” the charismatic asks smiling.

Thirsten Snotgrass sighs.

“Yes! I came on to her.” says Lem.

“So did I.” says Michael.

“Why does God let you do that?” asks the charismatic.

“Because you made her incredibly sad. And she was being attacked and brutally misunderstood in the perfume community. People really can’t comprehend her nowadays. She’s like an old lady perfume. In its context it was sultry. Today it’s seen as masculine and remote. But she’s really very feminine and it’s painful to feel so alone and unwanted on a deep level. …Like the original Miss Dior.” says Michael.

“Or Chamade.” says Lem. “Today it seems cold. Compared to Mon Guerlain. But it’s not. It’s sexy.”

“How is it sexy?” asks Lacey.

“It smells like you. In the shower. On a tropical island.” says Lem. “In the 60’s or 70’s.”

“What does Mon Guerlain smell like?” asks Lacey.

“Candy. Like being on a sugar high. And being young. And feeling good physically. …And having a lot of time and money to waste. And highlights and sparkly lip gloss. And dancing drunk in a club. …And being young…” says Michael.

“That’s not me. My parents never let me live that part of my identity and so I embraced my more dominant identity.” says Lacey.

“So…you don’t identify with your Millennial self all that much at all?” asks a woman reading.

“No. I was never allowed to become part of the Millennial club. I was always seen as too mature.” says Lacey. “I was always attacked actually for being so mature.”

“Did people think you were faking it?” asks the Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Yes! They did. And she was actually trying to fit in not be mature.” says Louis.

Rules plays.

“Is this song a joke to y’all?” asks a Cat.

“It’s war.” says Lacey.

She nods in understanding. She understands more than Lacey where the shower in the tropics is.

Lacey finds that fascinating.

“If your father was born in 1894 he still exists, Lacey.” says a nun.

Bad Things plays.

“Was he like Mr. Rooney in Road to Perdition?” asks Thirsten Snotgrass.

“He was old money. His parents were rich. And he was stuffy. …And a far bigger deal than Mr. Rooney.” says Al Capone.

“So you and Joe Jr. were a peace offering in Purgatory?” asks Thirsten.

“If I’m illegitimate.” says Lacey.

“Yes, but what if you are??!?” says Thirsten.

“Was Reta Jewish?” asks an Illuminati member.

“I don’t know.” says Lacey.

“Mary! 28 La Pausa. Death at 28.” says a reader.

“And it all gets spun around until it makes you dizzy. And then you get sick keeping it straight in your head. Like a merciless song that’s played from Hell.” says Zelda.

“All the bizarre connections. All the loops and tangles. All the mystery. All the loss.” says Lacey. “The synchronization of time and space when scientists don’t see ghosts is like being helplessly drowned by gaslight.”

“I tried to make noise last night.” says a ghost. “I hit things and rattled doorknobs that don’t exist.” says the ghost. “At 3 AM!”

“I did the metal cart at 5!” says another ghost.

“It was bizarre. It sounded like a poltergeist.” says Lacey. “I prayed in tongues.”

Lem smiles.

In Ear Park by Department of Eagles plays.

“He’s right. You’re either mad or in love with a ghost.” says the ghost of a black man to Lacey. “Think about it as if Heaven exists and we’re real. And you’re in a convent. And the dead worry. And you need to get it right.”

“As in, not waste someone’s time.” says Lacey. “But that sounds so much like false hope.”

Lights Are On plays.

“That’s my life.” says Lacey about the lyrics. “It’s the Millennial horror song about my life.”

“The birds at the end of the song and cover art are hilarious.” says Zelda coolly.

“So Joe Jr. was a peace offering?!” asks Mr. Blue.

“Forest green.” says Louis, lighting a cigarette. “Not emerald green.”

A Cat cracks up laughing. She gets a sense from Lacey which side she’s on. Literally or symbolically. Or both.

“I love Africa. …But what of Scott?” asks Lacey.

“It’s Earth. Death marches on.” says a nun.

“They’ll be fine? If that’s the way it is.” says a Mary.

Linger by The Cranberries plays.

“So I fouled-up a peace treaty in Purgatory?” says Mr. Blue.

“More like I did.” says Batgirl III.

The caves come calling. A nun sighs.

“How long did the treaty take to reach?” asks a Cat.

“Twenty years.” says a man?

“It started in the 1960’s.” says Rocky. “How about that allegorically or literally?”

“And what about when Lacey died and…Lem and her met?” asks a singer.

A ghost or demon almost manifests.

“It’s like A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream.” says the singer.

“And Hamlet combined?” wonders Lacey.

“She was going to espouse the glory of Joe until she died. Admiring him. Always. …But then she broke open her head.” says a dead Irishman.

“And I married her temporarily. And made love to her. And that ended that.” says Elliott.

His mother nods her head in understanding. “Elliott was who she imagined Joe to be both in kindness and psychological complexity.”

“A tall, brilliant pilot. A dashing womanizer with a heart of gold.” says a reader. “Tall, handsome, blue eyes. Deep. Artistic. Manly. Passionate. Aristocratic.”

Louis laughs. “She longed to meet Lem and I and Harold all her youth. Truly. She looked out for us. But of course we never arrived.”

“And someone said she’d marry a fat, bespectacled blond man. And be marvelously happy. But I was dead too, of course. And so was Lem.” says Michael.

“So when did it really happen?” asks a Putin.

Allegro Moderato by Dvorák plays.

“In the 1980’s.” says a nun.

He finds that fascinating.

“When?!” asks a woman.

Impromptu For Piano In G Flat Major by Franz Schubert plays.

Lacey breathes easier.

“1982. 1988. 1989.” says Lacey, tentatively.

“After she was conceived.” says a nun.

“Some things became intractable. And there was no turning back, as they say.” says Louis.

Hold Still by Grizzly Bear plays ironically.

“So if Purgatory is real at all and the Illuminati exists…I was going to fall away from Joe before I was born?” asks Lacey.

“Yes. Because we existed too. And you were going to get exhausted.” says Michael to Lacey. “Joe was at the front. Always. Leading the way. And the way was dark, cloudy, cold, and on the edge of a cliff your whole life. You had to slow down. Or you’d fall to your death. …It was a narrow chance. But…you landed with us when Elliott plucked you off the cliff out of rage. …He’s still mad. …And Joe still doesn’t understand your reluctance to be cool.”

“What’s the point of being popular in Hell?” asks Lacey.

“I agree.” says the ghost who might have made noise at 3 AM.

A Putin laughs.

“It’s extremely exhausting, Joe. Pat and you can go be happy. Okay?” Lacey says closing her eyes for a nap.

Clocks by Coldplay plays. And he totally freaks out realizing her absolute love for them. And her genuine concern for him.

“Have a smashing good time!” says Michael to Joe.

“Leave her be. I’ve got it! Just go ahead and have fun!” says Lem to Joe.

“Time for a nap!!” says Louis.

Harold dances to Elastic Heart.

—

Lacey is overwhelmed.

“Perhaps you should try.” suggests a Dame. As in, maybe Lacey should try to give Lem a chance. As in, maybe her attempts to talk to ghosts have worked.

Of course, Lacey doesn’t conjure them. They talk to her the way they may have talked to Zelda Fitzgerald. Except Zelda was schizophrenic? Or no?

“Did the Illuminati harass Zelda?” asks the Dame. Lacey wonders too.

“Why would they have harassed Zelda?” asks Lacey.

Another Patricia looks askance. Then she rolls her eyes in disdain.

“I suppose she seemed like a dissident and everyone was jealous of her beauty and freedom and how much Scott loved her.” says Lacey. “Or what? They were jealous of Scott?”

“Maybe they thought he was problematic?” suggests Louis.

“As in, his genius was a huge chip on the old elite’s shoulder.” wonders Lacey.

“If they exist, perhaps.” says Louis.

“And I’m the opposite.” says Lacey. “It’s like being haunted by Michael or Louis or Harold in female form…or worse yet Lem.” says Lacey. “Because if Lem is like me…and he made a wild mistake and decided erroneously that he was gay for only logical, innocent reasons…and pretended and convinced people of homosexuality for the most part…then it means so much. It means we can dupe people. It means people can get very confused about scary things. It means a truly straight man can almost convincingly act gay. …It means that love exists for me.”

“I love how they let me be madly in love with you.” says Michael. “I don’t think they realize how subversive that is.”

“Why? Because you’re dead?” asks Scott.

And at that vortex of Michael Rockefeller and F. Scott Fitzgerald sitting at across from each other at a fire in Africa and in St. Paul, MN at the same moment…time grieves the fall of man. It weeps.

“It’s all spun around.” says Zelda.

“Mourning Sound” by Grizzly Bear plays.

“Were you actually a heterosexual?” an English actor asks Lem via Lacey.

“I was.” he says mournfully.

“Your attempt to act gay is something I genuinely relate to.” says Lacey. “That’s something I can see myself doing.”

Scottie weeps.

“Why would you do that?!” scoffs Harold Loeb at Lacey.

“Because I would have found some moral reason to. Some deep…sad…principle.” says Lacey. “I’m that…unusual and opaque.”

“You also have stellar so-called gaydar.” says JFK to Lacey.

“You knew Lem seemed straight the moment you saw him as a teenager.” says Zelda. “You’d never have fallen for his act.”

Harold looks contemplative.

“Should it be an act.” says Zelda kindly. “Have been, rather.”

“Am I moving to England someday?” Lacey asks Louis.

“We’ll see.” says Paul.

“I think I’d be less scared to die in England than almost anywhere else.” says Lacey.

“You could die at my grave.” says Lem, romantically.

“Just die of a stroke in my 80’s and collapse on your grave?” says Lacey.

“A stroke?” asks Scott.

“I’m sentimental.” says Lacey. “If my father was born in 1894 a stroke seems like the traditional choice.” She thinks. “Or a sudden heart attack.”

Scott laughs.

“Like father like daughter!” says a ghost, jokingly.

Michael Rockefeller sings the lyrics.

Louis smiles.

“I think you should fall down the stairs while suffering from pneumonia…after suffering a sudden heart attack and stroke that renders you unconscious first. Of course, your kids will have to bury you partially in Minnesota and partially in Morocco. Carry the rest of your ashes to Lem’s grave and sprinkle just your feet over his grave. Then carry the rat of you around the graveyard singing a German children’s song in honor of Michael. And then…fly back to Minnesota and sprinkle your head around North Oaks.” says Louis.

“I think they should sprinkle her head in the ocean and over the Asmats from a helicopter.” says Michael.

“I want the rest of her.” says Lem with a smirk.

“And that’s why I win!” says Louis.

“Why?” asks Michael.

“Because you two would agree to that.” says Louis. “I would never agree to that kind of cheat.”

“I was joking.” says Lem.

“I’m not even interested in sharing her.” says Harold.

“Well, I get her head. Regardless.” says Michael laughing. Lacey laughs too.

“Why do you get her head?” asks Zelda.

“Because God feels sorry for me.” says Michael.

Lacey laughs.

“What would you do with my head?” asks Lacey, seriously.

“I’d stare at it.” he says thoughtfully.

“I still think you’re just trying to grasp that I’m sick over your love for anyone but me.” says Lem to Lacey.

“It’s so bizarre. You’re right.” says Lacey.

Zelda smiles.

“You can’t imagine anyone being that possessive or heartbroken over you.” he says to Lacey.

“True.” says Lacey.

“At all?!?” asks a perfume hater.

“No, I mean…I get the dramatic idea. It’s quite novel. But…I don’t get it.” says Lacey. “It’s just me.” She thinks. “My ex was never jealous. And every man I’ve ever dated has been quick to get over me eventually.” She thinks. “Men get over me.” She thinks. “Always.”

“You’re a very genuinely loving person. But you’re right. You never break hearts.” says Scott to Lacey.

“No. I’m careful not to.” says Lacey.

“You think men get over you.” scoffs a hater.

“Yes. I help them. They just don’t know it.” says Lacey.

“That’s so insidious.” says a perfume hater.

“It’s maybe controlling at its worst. But at its best…it’s compassionate.” says Lacey.

“Ands that’s why I’m not over you!” yells Joe Sr.. “I see the through you!!”

“You never loved me. You fake.” says Lacey.

“I did!” he says indignantly.

“No, I don’t think you really did. I think you just fancied me temporarily.” says Lacey.

“No. That’s not true.” he says.

“No, I think it is true.” says Lacey.

He cries. Lacey looks worried. Then she decides he’s faking it.

“That’s a lie. You don’t care that much. …You lied about Janet.” says Lacey. “Be serious.”

“I cared. I just suck at love.” says Joe Sr..

“Why do you ruin it for yourself?” she asks.

“You don’t have to be nice to me.” he says bitterly.

“You chose to lie.” says Lacey.

He sighs. “I freak out.”

“Because you think people can’t handle the truth?” asks Lacey.

“So they even care?” he asks.

“I care.” says Lacey. “I cared.”

“Right down to the details.” he says.

“It’s all you.” says Lacey.

“You’re right.” he says. “Your mind is hard to replicate.” He cries.

“What do you do?” asks Lacey. “If my father was born in 1894?” She thinks. “Does he just have more children in Heaven?”

“We can’t all have you.” says Michael. “Good question.” He thinks. “But God thinks of everything, of course.”

A Sparrow Alighted Upon Our Shoulder plays.

…”It’s hard to have that kind of hope in this state I’m in.” says Lacey. “As in, I’m glad God created me but I’m sad that life is so wretched for so many.”

“So…did you all just let Joe Jr. have her?! Or did he demand it? Or what?!” asks The Loudest Perfume Hater.

“He demanded it. That’s my answer.” says Zelda.

“I was holding back rage.” says Lem.

Joe Sr. laughs.

Michael sighs.

“Were you going to let him have me?!” Lacey asks Lem directly. She demands honesty.

“No!!!” yells Lem.

Michael refuses to back down. He sees his role as that of husband. Maybe or maybe not eternal soulmate. He believes they’d have made a happy couple.

And Louis just loves. Because Louis sees his role as that of protector. He’s her friend. She trusts him, seemingly. She does… She adores Louis…

“Well, that figures.” says an English actor.

“Does it?” asks a female author.

“But I still win, anyway.” says Lem.

“Michael and Louis are sublime.” says Lacey with concern.

“You’d have been very happy married to Michael.” says Lem thoughtfully.

“Too bad he died.” says Lacey. “Seems like so many of my potentials died.”

Michael laughs.

“But at least he’s still Michael.” says an English actress.

And at that Lacey cries.

“Does he seem comforting even in death?” asks Scott.

“Yes. Somehow I feel he’s the only one who suffered without me. Even though Lem claims otherwise.” says Lacey.

Joe Sr. cries.

“Why Michael?” asks a perfume hater.

“Lem claims he suffered without me. But everyone else today adamantly claims otherwise. And yet Michael…I look at him and I can’t deny that he physically looks like he misses me.” She thinks. “He tried so hard to be good. But he died. Bravely. Lem…looks like he died of a broken heart over Jack.”

“I didn’t. I never loved Jack in that way. I…died a bitter, broken, lost man. I died thinking of you. I died because of you. You killed me.” Lem says to Lacey.

“How did I kill you?” Lacey asks Lem.

He glares at her. “I was thinking of you.”

“You were thinking of a woman?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” says Lem. “I was thinking of the life I’d lived and the woman I’d never been with.”

“That sounds so hard to believe, Lem.” says Zelda.

Louis rolls his eyes in frustration. “That’s too much to expect her to believe blindly.”

“Far too much!” adds Michael.

“That being said, I’m sorry. Me or someone like me?” asks Lacey. “How sad, regardless.”

Lem looks sad. “You, essentially.”

“Why did that drive you to your death?” asks Lacey.

“Because I knew you weren’t alive. Or I’d missed you if you were. Either way, my life felt pointless.” says Lem.

“But death is so final.” says Lacey.

Michael smiles.

“Death doesn’t feel final for you?!” a perfume hater asks Michael.

“I’m dead. …You’ll see when God takes you beyond your body and the laws of physics. It’s amazing.” says Michael. “But don’t wait until death to worship God. And don’t join us until God sees fit.”

“I don’t think Michael has any problem finding someone to love him, Lacey. But that’s just it. God really does respect how much you both try.” says Lem.

“Yes. And nobody is him. And I’m just me. And I know he loses when I’m not around.” says Lacey.

“Fair concerns.” says Lem. “I have to have you though.”

“Don’t lie.” says Lacey.

“No, it’s true.” says Lem. “How many women would have seen through me so thoroughly?”

“Many.” says Lacey wondering.

“No. I needed you.” says Lem.

“Then why did you ever let me fall in love with anyone but you?” asks Lacey. “I wouldn’t have wanted to.”

“Because I couldn’t stand it.” says Michael.

“No, because I couldn’t.” says Joe Jr..

“You and your father are quite the pair. …But really, did either of you really love me?” asks Lacey.

“Not like me.” says Lem.

“Gosh, that makes you both seem so petty and competitive. As if you felt threatened by Lem? Or who?” asks Lacey. “Michael?”

“It’s a mess. Best go look at silver.” says Harold.

“Lem, I’m sorry. I’m sorry to all of you.” says Lacey.

“When Pat died it did affect a certain power balance, so to speak.” says somrone