Category Archives: Journal

Years ago an overweight, unmarried, aging southern woman in the perfume community went around making snide comments. To the beautiful woman she said that their photos were all faked and she could tell by their crinkly necks that they were secretly ugly or old looking. …In some cases the Vaseline filters were outrageous…but in other cases they were not. To me she ascribed the word pretentious.

I loathe being called a liar. I’m not pretentious. And it’s been aggravating to me ever since, which given her tendency to go around looking for fights back then might be seen by her as an accomplishment. But…making me truly angry is actually a huge mistake. I don’t just get over things when they really affect me in that way. I’m a paradox in the sense that I rarely get angry and I get over even the worst things with a rare amount of grace, but when I’m made truly angry…it’s long lasting and likely brutal somewhere in time eventually unless God Himself intercedes.

“That’s stupid!” The Loudest Perfume Hater laughs through her nose.

“Why? You don’t really know me.” says Lacey.

“I’ll strike first.” says The Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Not when we’re dead.” says Lacey. “And unless you die first and go into Hell or God’s protection I’ll find some way to straighten out your crooked mind.” says Lacey. “And you’ll regret your vast idiocy and self-deluded choice to always willingly misunderstand when it’s egoistically convenient.”

“She’s not kidding.” says Lem.

“Lem’s kidding though. He’s actually not really always nice.” says Louis.

“The thing is…why, why did she assume or think I was pretending?” asks Lacey. “I don’t think I was showy. If anything I was understated.” She thinks. “I’m far prettier and more good looking than her. Far more intelligent and wildly better bred. She was was always street trash compared to me.” She thinks. “She always will be.” Lacey thinks. “And no, she always had it in her head I was a queer Sagittarius.” *Lacey rolls her eyes* “I’m sorry, I’m not anything but heterosexual and no, I highly doubt I’m the person she thought I was at all in that way.” *Lacey fumes* “Stop humoring yourselves. You’re wrong.” *Lacey fumes*

“I think she was trying to make you angry to turn you on, because she thought it was cute and she’s queer.” says Lem.

“Well, it wasn’t cute.” says Lacey. “And it certainly didn’t make me attracted to her.”

“You can’t find women attractive.” says Lem.

“True. But this was repellent nonetheless.” says Lacey. “My former step-mother-in-law from Tennessee is the only other adult in my adult life to so stupidly attack me. And she had the same theme of accusing me of being fake.” Lacey thinks. “My mother who raised me came from an old family that had a plantation for over 100 years in Tennessee. I almost wonder if it’s a curse.”

Lem thinks.

“So you really just want to correct her errors in perception?!” asks a perfume collector of Lacey.

“I’m still stunned to this day. So many people had and have such shocking errors in regard to a great many things. …It’s sick. And while an apology would be nice, it’s not something I’d demand ever. I just can’t handle their childish adherence to fallacy.” says Lacey. “It’s one thing to say you’re an atheist. It’s another thing to intellectually demand that everyone be an atheist as if it’s concrete, certain fact that there’s no God.” Lacey thinks. “If you’re who I think you are, your arrogance drove me crazy when it came to that issue.” Lacey thinks. “But yes, it’s the bizarre defiance of logic that irritated me. It wasn’t just an interpretation issue.”

“Well…you spent so much.” says the Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Why couldn’t that have just been what I had available?” asks Lacey coolly.

“Because who has that much available?!” asks the Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Me!!! I did!!!” says Lacey restrained but seething.

“How much money did your dad steal from poor people selling snake oil out of his wagon?” asks a man in Lacey’s former step-mother-in-law’s family.

“That’s a joke or are you serious?” asks Lacey, confused.

“I’m serious!!” he says in a southern accent.

“Never! He made money through his inheritance.” says Lacey.

“Then why didn’t you go to a prep school?” asks Lacey’s former-step-mother-in-law.

“I went to a private kindergarten and hated it. …And my public school was actually relatively posh.” says Lacey.

“So your father gave you a few hundred thousand and you spent what? $50,000.00 on perfume? …That’s like buying one Rolex.” says another perfume hater to Lacey.

“Exactly!” says Lacey.

“Loudest Perfume Hater, is it possible that you’re just a hick? And your frame of reference is shoddy? Maybe you ruined the perfume community by not realizing that.” says the other perfume hater to the Loudest Perfume Hater.

“Who are you?!” asks the Loudest Perfume Hater.

Silence.

“What does it matter? Why can’t realize you made a serious error in your dogged adherence to your bad judgments?” asks Lacey of the Loudest Perfume Hater.

“You never made yourself look skinny in your photos?” asks The Loudest Perfume Hater.

“My jeans fit weird in one photo because I’d been losing weight after my first pregnancy. And then once I looked fatter than I was. I corrected those photos. …But no. My unphotogenic issues don’t account for your obsessive idiocy in regard to me. …I weighed 142 lbs. when you first followed me in 2015 or so and then 118 lbs. eventually in Seattle and then 162 lbs. after my second pregnancy.” Lacey thinks. “I’m a fragile person physically in some ways and toward the end of pregnancies I gain weight.” She thinks. “I always lose weight slowly afterward.”

“You would have rather had your kids in your early 20’s?” asks a reader.

“Yes! Very much so.” Lacey says. “But that’s not what respectable Millennials were told to do.”

“You really tried to be nice.” says a perfume hater to Lacey.

“Yes! And…while I have your ear, I want to point out again how important nuance is. There is absolute truth.” says Lacey. “F. Scott Fitzgerald’s family’s row house in Saint Paul was very elegant. It’s just that they rented it and compared to the castle-like homes on his block further down the street it seemed poor.” She thinks. “Saint Paul was very wealthy. …And in New York his house was truly stunning. Very spacious. It’s just that again, it was relatively insignificant compared to the historic wealth embodied by the houses nearby.” says Lacey.

“Why does it matter?” asks a perfume hater.

“Because a $900,000.00 row house that looks like this inside

…isn’t trash.” says Lacey. “It’s a very beautiful home.” Lacey thinks. “And this house they lived in worth $4 or 5 million

…isn’t nothing either.” says Lacey.

“But in comparison to the castle-like houses nearby those houses are large or enough…but…not so middle class.” says a perfume hater.

“In comparison. But really only in comparison.” says Lacey. “Good perspective is essential to enjoying life.”

“I’m sure plenty of old money types live in houses like those.” says a dead woman.

“True.” says Lem.

“Was Scott secretly trying to seem old money?” asks a reader.

Lacey laughs. “Humble, quiet old money?” she wonders. “The thing is…he was a great nephew of Francis Scott Key. On his father’s side he was more old money than he may have realized. As bizarre as that sounds.” She thinks. “He’d reference them and even claim to be the grandson of Francis Scott Key to sound impressive at parties I think? But…somehow I don’t think he truly realized who he actually was in that way.”

“Why not?” asks a perfume hater.

“Because it’s old southern blue blood post Civil War. And they weren’t really rich anymore I don’t think. He once described his father’s family line as ‘tired.’ …And…it was just the Star Spangled Banner. Not the The Declaration of Independence.” She thinks. “It sounds cool but then when it’s yours and your Scott…it seems blasé and ordinary.” Lacey thinks. “I relate. I could make being a great many things seem at least temporarily blasé and ordinary too.”

“How so?” asks Harold.

“Because I’m totally disenchanted by living Earth.” says Lacey. “All the suffering. All the bullshit. All the evil. It’s just absolute shit without God.” Lacey thinks. “I’d bet Scott felt the same way.”

“And yet he kept wanting more.” says a perfume hater.

“Because he secretly hated it all.” says Lacey. “Not the beauty, not the innocence, not the four loves. He hated evil.” She thinks. “Not the moon. Not darkness. Or fireflies. Not stars. Not Zelda. …Actual evil.”

“What is evil?” asks a Charismatic.

“Evil is pedophilia. Evil is cruelty. Evil is…hiding Heaven from a starving soul.” says Lacey.

—

I think it’s unlikely the word gay didn’t secretly connate homosexuality in the past before it supposedly became popular slang in the 1940’s or so. It wasn’t popular but I have a feeling it existed based on what I’ve read and seen.

Homosexuals in the Illuminati struggle violently to accept that the possible ghost of Lem Billings has told Lacey repeatedly that he was heterosexual. Not even bisexual or pansexual, but heterosexual. Thankfully not clearly deranged as a pedophile or a narcissist either. He’s explained that he was molested and given the time it happened in and the beliefs of the time he internalized for both good and bad in he stupidly believed he was gay.

West End Blues by King Oliver And His Dixie Syncopators plays.

“So why did Jack call Lem the ‘gayest soul’?!” they pester Lacey by asking.

“Oh!! I bet it’s just because Jack was a narcissist! Right?!” asks a gay man in the Illuminati who knows he’s secretly enabling himself and other deluded people to believe it’s unlikely Lem was gay. Jack was gay possibly but…the narcissistic explanation seems a bit off somehow. And they all know that.

*Lacey rolls her eyes*

…Incidentally, the Lemp family feels grief for the state of Lacey’s life? Possibly.

And…they’re furious over this Lem business?

“So…what’s the story?” patronizingly asks a bourgeois female jerk in the Liberal Illuminati.

Smoke House Blues by Jelly Roll Morton’s Red Hot Peppers & Jelly Roll Morton plays.

“It’s actually quite tragic and fascinating.” starts Lacey.

They automatically bristle. They don’t want fascinating, tragic real takes on anything it seems? That requires intellectual, so-called pretentious historical understanding. It requires actual empathy. Actual depth as a human and maturity.

A gay man in Liberal Illuminati sighs, “Why can’t you just pretend you’re Jack reincarnated? We can’t handle it!!” he whines.

“Because I care about myself. That’s a sick thing to ask me to do!” says Lacey.

“But I’m more elite than you!!” he says automatically. “Right? Aren’t you supposed to be like…scared of upsetting me??”

“What if it’s the other way around?” asks Lacey.

“That’s fundamentally impossible!” says a Liberal Illuminati member aggressively to Lacey. He’s living on Long Island.

“I’m not so sure about that.” she says meekly. Quietly. Politely. Calmly. Kindly.

“Here’s the thing, Jack, based on what I’ve heard…was the one between the two men who was actually in love. Jack was truly in love as much as a man can love another man. And…in a state of narcissistic naïveté he stupidly overestimated his emotional security with Lem.” says Lacey.

“That happens to narcissists a lot!” says Louis.

“They overestimate their safety in things through some sort of blind arrogance?” suggests Lacey.

“Spot on!” says Louis.

“And the thing is…it seems Jack wanted and needed and genuinely believed Lem was the gayest soul. His Lemmers.” says Lacey. “He assumed it was thick, solid ice possibly for eternity regardless.” She thinks. “But Lem was seemingly actually straight based on what I’ve been told. He was very confused. A complex, mysterious…elusive person.” She thinks. “Seemingly, he genuinely thought he was gay for reasons that would seem fantastical and insane to most Americans today.” She thinks.

And at that Mr. Blue desperately tries to make Lem’s ghost say he’s gay. They can’t stand Lacey and long for her to be miserable.

Sobbin’ Blues plays.

“The thing is…Jack seemingly took those tragic misunderstandings on Lem’s part to heart. He bet his whole life on them, possibly.” says Lacey. She thinks. “He assumed Lem was as straightforward and simple minded as him.”

“Simple minded?” asks Joe Jr..

“Yup. Kind of like you?” Lacey says to him, bitterly.

“That’s not Joe Jr.!! We didn’t find you in 2015 writing about you and Joe Jr. being in love in coded stories on your blog.” says a Tom with vile narcissism in Illuminati.

“Except you did, of course.” says Lacey.

“Why are you all expecting Joe Jr.’s love to not really know him and his family at all?” asks a Lemp with a hopeful wink. “Could it be that she would and Pat did not?” He seethes. “Pat has suffered. Lacey has suffered. And yes, it seems you wildly overestimate your ability to be objective about social class in America.”

“It’s because they hate the British. They possibly think they need to conquer them.” says Lacey.

Black Snake Blues plays.

“Pat didn’t necessarily know a great many things.” says Lacey empathetically.

“Like what?” asks a gay man.

“Like how weak they all secretly are.” says Lacey. “How frighteningly vulnerable.” She thinks. “And you keep hoping Joe will pull through and be strong and finally either admit his love is and was a fraud or admit he’s a fool. But he never does.” She thinks. “He’s incapable of being strong enough to even do that.” She thinks. “And so I don’t trust him.” She thinks. “I’m not able to give him my heart or seemingly completely rid myself of him either.”

“French film in the 1960’s.” says a dead actor.

“Perfect.” says Lacey.

“And Jack is depressing. Because unlike Joe he seemingly has or had no idea what was going on at all.” says Lacey. “Or if he did eventually in the 1960’s it just enraged him as he felt bitterly betrayed. Or what? Violent? Soul crushed? …Lied to in general?” She thinks.

“It might have just not been a healthy relationship and the They uses this to torture you. If they know he was bisexual.” says a gay man reading to Lacey.

“I try to think that’s possible but…then someone tries to yell at me that I’m Jack reincarnated.” says Lacey. “And eventually I get this horrible sinking sense that Lem was straight.” She thinks. “I know I’m not Jack reincarnated.”

“No. She’s not Jack reincarnated.” says a Lemp.

“You guys do realize that she’s a real person and that they might still be too? Right?” asks an terrorist listening in.

Sugar Foot Stomp plays.

“I was straight!” yells Lem.

“The thing is…why can’t you be empathetic towards Jack?” asks Lacey. “Making vile sculptures of him raping Lem and Lem enjoying it in your delusional minds? If Lem was straight you’ve only just viciously mocked Jack’s awful pain and vulnerable derangement. His moral retardation was made into a statue that also mocks black pioneers in racial justice?!” She seethes. “In Boston?!!” She thinks. “That’s what it looks like to me. And honestly, if you all exist…don’t lie. You knew. The intent was to still what sacrifice me to assuage the earth for oil and so-called clean energy to merge?” asks Lacey. “It’s never going to work. It’s an idiotic, freakish conception.” She thinks. “You’re failures in that regard. Total jokes and losers. End of story. The end. I don’t have the patience to patronize you all.” She thinks. “Of course, sacrificing shit is dumb to begin with. Unless you’re an ancient Jew or God.”

“Or they’re just totally dysfunctional.” says a woman in her 80’s.

“And violently, psychopathically incompetent?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” she ugly-admits.

“Was Jack comforted by Lem’s heterosexuality or even enjoyed the thought of hurting him for sadistic reasons?” asks a gay man.

“Mostly likely yes, if Lem was straight.” says Lacey.

—

Later.

So…Pat loves Joe Jr.. But she’s not Lacey. And it’s unclear what that means to Joe. …Lem is enraged. …Jack may be in Hell or close to it for defying God in the afterlife. And the Liberals refuse to accept the thought that Lem is mad at them for insisting he was gay, Jack may be morally weak…that Pat is suffering…that they’re a problem…and that God isn’t just a stupid jackass?

“She’s not going to genuinely lie to you.” says a Lemp. “Or is she? And if so, why?” He thinks. “Do you want for her to tell y’all that you is…ahh…possibly going to Hell for eternity?” He thinks. “If she told you that would you all die?”

—