Style Part II

I’ve found my perfect bag. I’m going to wait until I buy it to tell you exactly, but suffice to say I know what it is now and it’s by Launer. *happy smile* I still plan to buy my sterling silver teapot, Burberry coat and use my vintage 60’s alligator bag, but I also have that perfect “forever bag” in mind now. And how did I find it? Well, I saw Queen Elizabeth wearing her classic Launer bag and was curious who made it. She’s made that house iconic.

I’m excited. I adore Queen Elizabeth and the London house that makes her bag is fantastic. The quality is sublime! And, I’d like to have my bag during her reign… I think I will. And, it will always be my favorite.

Anyway, I’m also going to chronicle my health journey towards losing the weight I don’t want from being pregnant. So far it’s been challenging and I’ve had bronchitis for over a month (as I said yesterday), but I’m going to keep looking for solutions.

Right now my weight is at 160 lbs.. Before I became pregnant I weighed about 140 lbs., which wasn’t my ideal, but wasn’t too bad. My best weight is around 125 to 130 (when I was a size 0 I was at 115). I’d like to get to 125/130 by next early summer at the latest. I know I can do it.

…Also right now we’re finding spots for the pots of (French) lavender we had in our gardens. And I’ve discovered how happy orchids seem to be inside my house, but I worry the lavender won’t like it as much. Perhaps, I’ll have to make dried lavender sachets for holiday gifts this year?

Oh, and my father and his friend had a blast last night at the political event. Lots of fun. The President knows how to engage an audience. He also very much reminds us of a former 1980’s executive (For IBM? Or was it some large telecommunications company? I can’t remember. Sorry.) we know who married one of my parents’ close friends, Pat, decades ago.

It was his third and last marriage. They met years after his last divorce and he was a bit older than her but they were deeply in love. Very much. And I loved going to their dinners while growing-up. His stories were fascinating.

Our family friend grew up in a wealthy family in Washington D.C. and is around the same age as Trump (maybe he’s a bit older) and they’re both brash and blunt in a way I think a lot of top business leaders tend to be (he’s not quite as much as Trump is though). Our family friend also has a genuinely good heart despite however tough he might come across as and a very quick mind. I am certainly not trying to defend the President’s every word or action, but I do wonder if there’s a lot of good to him too that we’ll recognize more objectively in the future after his term ends than is possible at the moment (Don’t get too upset please. Ha!)

What are your fall activities as of late?


Today I had a realization, sitting in a doctors office for bronchitis I’ve had for over a month, about just how intensely shallow most people are. I think because I was raised by deep people and I am that way myself, (sorry, but I’m being honest) I don’t fully grasp just how limited most people are in their ability to understand or appreciate people beyond the superficial.

Years back when I was a size 0 and looked objectively better people treated me better. Heck, before I got pregnant this last time people were kinder. I’m not heavy right now, but I’m at least average weight-wise and I can viscerally tell that people around my age or so aren’t as nice. They aren’t as respectful. I can only imagine how crappy they’d be if I was heavier or etc. Truly, after observing this for about a year now I can honestly tell a noticeable difference with just 40 lbs.

But…it gets worse (of course). Many adults older than I am or my age also used to be kinder up until I was about 24 when I finally left college for home permanently without completing the last year of college. I was seen as extremely intelligent all through school as I was in all the honors (and AP classes) and etc., etc. and I am actually that smart (my IQ has been tested). But, when I didn’t deliver with my Ivy League law school diploma, as was the long-term plan since I was about 10, I was seen as a disappointment. And I know some (certainly not all) of my relatives were embarrassed and/or appalled that I never finished my undergrad either. I was smart (I still am). How could I do or be anything of value or respect, it was likely thought, without the minimal amount of education required for an adult?

Of course…if I had become a successful lawyer and gotten married it would be harder to be the stay-at-home-mom I am now, and ironically people who find any amount of wealth threatening would hate me more. Or would they?

…If I was a super skinny blond with an Ivy-League diploma making over $250,000.00 (totally on my own) would people shut up more? Would they keep their egos in check and try to give a shit about my humanity beyond how it directly affects them? Would I be more lovable? I’d certainly be more intimidating. None of the jerks who have tried to compete with me, to the death and beyond as I am now would have done that if I’d become what I was “supposed to be”. Why? Because they would have been too impressed. I remember what those sort of people were like before… Very well.


Yeah. People like easy answers. They like what’s obvious. They like what’s right uin front of their faces. I don’t necessarily blame them, but life’s incredibly complicated and so are people.

Not everyone wants to a princess… And, at the same time, not everyone can be one. Still, some people are. I’m not royalty. Are you?

…On World Mental Health Day let’s remember that people are extraordinary. Even the painfully shallow among us are amazing just by virtue of being human. It’d be nice if they could look beyond the surface, but maybe that’s not safe for them. Maybe it’s too hard. And I say that seriously and without condescension.

…I do plan to eventually finish my higher education, and maybe even earn a PhD ideally, but it’s not my priority right now. I’m too genuinely busy raising two young kids and being a wife. When my kids grow older I’ll attend to my own education… Call that backward, but it’s the best right now. Anyway, I will cross my t’s and dot my i’s intellectually, eventually. Maybe I’ll even get an Ivy League diploma… *forced grin* Of course, the people who were most disappointed and judgmental will be too aged then to care that much most likely, but maybe not.

I’ll lose my “baby weight” again too. But, this time…I’m not going to give a rip on a personal level, on a friendship level, about the people who I suspect like me better that way. Those sort of people are worthy of love, but I want to grow closer to people who try not to be limited and lorded-over by the passing fancies of life. Ironically, those are often the most genuinely beautiful people inside and out. Truly.


Part of my blog, going forward, will be about style and beauty. But, please try to read my tone on a deep level. After all, personal beauty and style are about us being as valuable as we inherently are. It’s not about proving things to other people who want to place us on some hierarchy to better their ego or worship us/accept us. (I’m telling myself that.) It’s ideally about expressing what’s inside of us, in our souls, on the outside. Sometimes that’s not pretty, but I think everyone has something objectively beautiful or interesting to show the world about who they are. Some people may be more objectively attractive and/or beautiful than others physically to start with, but it’s what’s in our souls that makes whatever beauty we have truly shine. Not necessarily “stand-out” but…sparkle and bring true joy to behold.

More later.


So, I really don’t necessarily know where to take this blog. I feel like there’s an incredible amount of animosity out there, at the current second, directed towards bloggers who discuss their personal life and their feelings consistently and I think I’ll share a bit here and there going forward, but not as much. I think if I share more it will go from sharing “personal” (like my feelings about public drama/issues, my weight, the subject of my last post, etc, etc.) stuff to actually personal stuff. I mean, I’ve shared a lot. Ha! And in the past I’ve shared a bit here and there that was “beyond the surface personal” but…that’s not for not right now. Life is incredibly busy for us at this time and I don’t feel like opening up online right now about the real daily stresses I encounter.

At the same time, I don’t want to entirely be…product reviews. Perfume reviews were different, I think. They were about art… Product reviews can be done elegantly, be helpful and I still plan to do them but I don’t want that to be my main focus.

Book reviews? *far off look* Maybe? *shrug* We’ll see.


I’ll be back with my plan soon.

Our Home (for the Nosey Rosey readers)

If you stalk me online without being a truly creepy stalker you may have found my new home address. (I know some at least fairly normal people do this.) Ha! Our home is indeed worth around $330,000.00, which isn’t that much for a house relatively speaking but where we live you can buy a decent, quality house for that amount. To stay in our budget we could have spent $100,000.00 or so more, at least, but we decided not to. You don’t want to be “house-poor” at all and you do want to spend the least possible in your budget (live well and save for retirement, etc.). Again, that’s really not that much for a house nowadays but it was enough to buy a house that we love. Maybe three or four years down the road we’ll buy a house for around $800 to million here. That’s the trajectory we’re on. But, I don’t want a house here in the Midwest ever worth more than that I don’t think (regardless of income or inheritance). And sure, nowadays, that’s mostly just an upper-middle class house in the US but you can still buy a very fun house for that price in the Mid-West. In Seattle where we lived for two years $700,000.00 is what you pay for an average (but genuinely nice) house now. If we lived in Seattle though (or Boston) my husband would be making a considerable amount more at work so we’d likely have a home around that price now if we lived out there (600 to 800 thousand or so) as our budget would be different. (His income couldn’t drop at all if we moved somewhere cheaper in the US but it could go up if we moved to Seattle or Boston.) And, our dream home (for the next three to five years or so) out there would be over a million very easily. Of course, around a million is still basically upper-middle class in Seattle but, *shrug* I like upper-middle class houses. They’re often somewhat spacious and pretty but they aren’t scary. As in, if you have an estate (in the US) it’s scary because it seems more likely that someone with bad intentions will come your way. Estates just seem to be asking for too much attention nowadays regardless of where they are.

Now…some folks have accused me of being over reliant on my husband financially. So, just for kicks today I figured out where I’d be without him financially (provided I was single). Here goes: If I didn’t go to the UK I’d be making a salary of around $40,000.00 to $50,000.00 as a social worker (It’s extremely likely I’d have a MSW from a local Catholic college if I didn’t marry Mark as that’s what I planned to do if I didn’t go to the UK.). Maybe I’d be a guardian ad litem as some suggested I’d be good at being. My net worth however, would be around $200,000.00 to $400,000.00 (Due to inheritance, which also calculates in for education costs). I would would probably own a nice enough condo or be living with my mom (for company and to save money) and I’d probably be driving a relatively new Volvo (that I owned) and my signature fragrance would likely be something by Jo Malone. But, I wouldn’t be collecting perfume or much else. Maybe vintage and antique china very carefully? I’d also likely have done some traveling, although not as much. At 35, almost 36 I’d already be a rather…boring, nice lady or what used to be called “an old maid.” Ha! Well, if I didn’t go to the UK or marry someone else, of course.

…*sigh* My husband will hate that I just shared that. Sorry honey… But, I can just see the reactions of some very curious folks if they ever do an internet search. *rolling eyes* I’m sure they’ll find some way to twist it. So…for my own sanity’s sake, I thought I’d preempt it and explain. *shrug*

And…I do wonder. What would my former perfume frenemies think of me then? Ha! I’d bet they likely wouldn’t have given two seconds to even think of my existence if they ever even met me, which is unlikely.

More tomorrow.

The Diner

Tonight I had a talk with my best friend about matters of taste. They informed me that what they think I don’t understand is that some people from/in lower classes sometimes actually have a real preference for certain things generally considered…crass or of lesser quality. They said that those people might suspect their tastes aren’t as refined or even know that, but also feel some sort of pride about it.

For example: Imagine that there’s a diner and a five star restaurant two blocks away from each other in a metropolitan area. They both serve hamburgers. Objectively the hamburgers at the five star restaurant are sublime. Hamburgers might be considered casual food but, regardless, the restaurant highly exceeds expectations. However, while the diner might not have hamburgers that are considered as good there are tons of people who would feel awkward and/or unhappy at the restaurant in the first place and would much rather eat their hamburgers at the diner. The diner feels like home to them and in its own way the diner has its own form of prestige attached to it. It might not be prestigious to those who eat at the restaurant more frequently or outsiders writing food-reviews but the locals who eat at the diner regard it highly.

…I think because of my background and where I grew-up I don’t entirely understand (as I’ve said). My friend is right. I’ve been to diners. I’ve been to rural pubs. I’ve been to dive-bars. …But the people I was raised by “liked the five star restaurant” or if it was a pub then they felt it had better be a European one. They liked eating picnics too but…never with processed foods (except for potato chips). Ha!

My mother in particular is a very humble and meek person. She’s very Scandinavian in her outlook (and down-to-earth in a Scandinavian way) but she’s also very subtly well-bred and learned. She has objectively discerning taste. Her tastes are not pretentious, instead they’re genuinely good (in a truly humble way).

The thing is…as my friend told me, a lot of those people at that diner feel self-loathing in some way, unfortunately. They’re embarrassed that they don’t like “pretentious stuff” (when they’re feeling angry they call it that) or “the finer things” (when they’re feeling kind and being more objective). The pretentious-finer things” might bore them, annoy them, make them feel unpleasant or they might just not like them BUT to “improve themselves” or prove themselves they try to like them.

…If you’re one of those folks who actually secretly or openly like the diner and you’re reading this maybe you need to give your diner preference more…value? I mean, maybe it’s not like the food there is as objectively good to someone with an experienced palette, and it’s not like one of those diners that will be on tv either. *shrug and laugh* Ok? I get it… BUT, why does everything have to be about that status? And, maybe, as long as the diner is safe, if you really like it then eating at the diner is a much more rewarding experience overall and far wiser. Sure, eat at the restaurant occasionally if you like. Respect it as the high-standard that it is. Right? But…you don’t have to like the restaurant as much. You know? Not nearly as much… Truly. Attacking the restaurant and its patrons isn’t wise because it actually is valuable too for what it is. People who have different preferences and are different people might prefer it over the diner, but…if you don’t like it have an open pride about it in a kind way. Pride because you’re just as valuable a soul as anyone.

…*sigh* So…for my own amusement here’s a list of things I suspect are “diner quality”. I don’t like them much (if at all), but I do recognize their possible worth. I’m not an idiot. Ha! What do you think? Are these “diner quality”?

– (most) chain restaurants

– regular (non health-food) grocery stores

– Avon, Mary Kay, etc.

– red roses given in a non-ironic romantic way

– non-ironically given heart-shaped jewelry

– non-ironic romantic gifts of chocolate

– boxed wines

– sugary boxed cereal

– “America’s Got Talent”, “The Bachelor”, etc.

– American football

most (not all) non-Irish or British black tea in bags

– Bath and Body Works after the year 2000 or so…

– Almost anything from Victoria’s Secret after about…2012? 2014?

– Really cheap Target/drugstore make-up like Milani or Wet & Wild

Then there are things that are so cliché that they’re almost tacky, like monogram Louis Vuitton or most Hermès…but I think due to their innate high quality (traditionally) they’re still lovely… You know? Hermès bags have lines that delight the eyes. Still, those are things I struggle with. I love them, but I feel conflicted because I worry about what messages I’m unintentionally sending people. I’m tempted to cower under the gazes of people and just find some quiet indie label of bag. Like Linjer or something… It’s like the “diner dilemma” but in a different way. Like…if the other restaurant was not quite five stars and the seats were so close together or badly arranged that people stared at you too much and it felt like a place to go to just “be seen”. *sigh*


But Why?

I think some people on various social media platforms still want me to be lying about something. At least, that’s the gist I’ve gathered over the last two weeks.

Imagine it’s 1989 and you’re at a party. Veronica is wearing a fuschia dress from the GAP. Veronica hopes people will think it’s Chanel and frankly she does look really good. Her fuchsia GAP dress is made very well. But…it’s not Chanel.

Lisa arrives at the party wearing a hot pink Chanel dress. Lisa looks fantastic too and when someone asks her what she’s wearing she says, “It’s Chanel.” Veronica is angry and mutters to Jessica (who’s also wearing GAP), “That dress is not Chanel. It’s probably from the Salvation Army!” and then scoffs and rolls her eyes. Veronica is jealous I guess, but more than that she likely thinks that it makes her dress look cheap and she was hoping for a very different perception of herself from others. It’s too bad. GAP in 1989 wasn’t Chanel but…Veronica really does look nice.

Also, Veronica is being mean and dishonest. Ha!

My dears…I haven’t lied.

I’m not a Great Gatsby type of liar (about my family or myself). I’m not playing make-believe in lies or exaggeration (about myself or my family/background). I’m also not a “Mean Girl” as someone once texted me. I’m a “nerd” if anything and that’s what I actually was in high school – one of the honors kids who was “too mature” and painfully shy around guys they had a crush on. And I’m not the one wearing a pretty dress from GAP hoping you all will think it’s Chanel. But because a lot of “the Veronicas” were a bunch of weird jerks to me for years (and it got extremely tiring) I decided to “call them out” on their GAP lies. I’m not sure it worked… *laughing* Instead I just became hated.

Really though, at this party in 1989, I’m “a (nerdy) Lisa” and I’m wearing Chanel. *shrug* Sorry. But, just so you know, your fuchsia dress really is actually lovely. Truly. My Chanel dress doesn’t diminish what you genuinely have or have accomplished even if it is the embodiment of the reality you were trying to project. Matter of fact, I’m thinking of buying the fuchsia GAP dress… It’s really that nice too. So, please, stop lying about me to yourself or others to make yourself feel better. It’s wrong.

And stop with the “holier than thou” nonsense too. Ok? *rolling my eyes* My “attack” was not unprovoked. And frankly it was also partially on behalf of those who do wear Salvation Army with self-respect and dignity. I saw a lot of you be cruel or condescending to them (probably also out of class anxiety) over the years.


I’ll repost the following from my blog before I took everything down. I posted this in March or April of 2019?


One of my good friends was reading through my blog and we were discussing our lives lately. And, she asked me, “But why did you explain so damn much about yourself and your background? I’ve read your explanation on this blog but I still don’t think I get it entirely and I bet other people don’t either.” So against my better judgment she’s encouraged me to explain a bit more. My husband thinks it’s silly to have to explain again…and I hope he’ll understand if he reads this, especially if he’s right.

*sigh and smile*

You see, and I’ve written this once if not a thousand times (for years): Bourgeois (in its old usage and not the present one used most often by younger people) crap irritates the hell out of me. And I hate when people are pushy and competitive. I don’t care how low their self esteem is or how self conscious they actually are, there’s no excuse in my mind for being condescending and arrogant to people.

And it’s especially irritating when you know that person being condescending to you has less than you do in some way. It’s like, “Who are you kidding?! You’re acting like I’m beneath you or that we’re equals financially or etc. and none of that is true.” It’s totally illogical at best. It reminds me of some horrible sales people at stores like Chanel or Louis Vuitton who act like they’re doing you a favor if they help you and then proceed to act snobby when they do. Even if they’re making a decent wage (and I hope they are) and working at a luxury store they’re still just a ding dang dong sales person. (And never mind what you’re wearing – that’s just the excuse everyone with that shopping horror story gives those rudies.)

Now, lest someone read this and think that means I think people are truly beneath me, I don’t. I think as humans we are all equally valuable. …But some people really do have more money, come from better backgrounds than others or etc.. That’s just reality. And, on that premise, I had decided to give those folks on Instagram and etc. who read my blog and are malignantly competitive – the rudies – (and who had been driving me nuts) a taste of their own medicine and simply start sharing details about my actual reality. The point was to make them angry and to make them realize that they were annoying and transparent with their constant one-ups and snide digs. I was truly trying to stand up for myself.

Now, I am in the upper middle to lower upper class. And that is obvious at this point (I have shared a lot here and on Instagram by now, after all) and you’d have to think I’m crazy and that I go to unbelievably extreme lengths, to think otherwise. I mean you might as well also think I’m a time traveling magician with a Delorean in my bedroom if you’re going to start reframing reality that much. Why not? …No, but, again, most of the people being jerks likely had less. To reiterate: It’s why I thought it would work to start sharing more about my life and myself to make the point I had hoped to make – that you shouldn’t try to be something you’re not because that’s incredibly conceited and dishonest and you shouldn’t be a jerk to seem better than others. …Unfortunately, I doubt almost anyone doing that who I had hoped to “teach a lesson to” reads my blog or if they do it’s highly unlikely my plan worked. *laughing* If anything, it made those folks worse if they do read this blog… And again (I’ve said this a million times too) the people who I would not have wanted to take what I said the wrong way did (and likely still might be upset). *rolling eyes* Although, I’ve had to let go of it all because it’s obviously too late to fix certain things at this point. And it seems people see whatever they want to see regardless.

But truly, my father really was a socialist (although he’s not now). So, think about it dears! Think about what sort of ideas were likely drilled into my head growing up. He was also an ardent feminist… And, years later, I think for myself but there are some things that will always drive me absolutely crazy because I was raised to find them offensive.

No, but as a good friend on Instagram has confirmed, it’s dangerous and silly in some ways to try to have certain personal conversations online (and especially using a blog) and I suppose “teaching people a lesson” is beyond silly no matter how tempting… I’ve learned that the hard way… Although, it is a part of our culture these days to share a lot, but perhaps foolishly so. I mean, you can’t tell what the hell someone means half the time anyway because so much can be taken out of context or subtleties lost. Of course, as a writer I find that limiting and it makes me want to try even harder to be clear but…*shrug* it really is foolish.

…I should have just stayed in my corner and let people try to pretend and be fake and catty I guess? *rolling eyes* I don’t know… Because again, the people who I wanted to piss off likely are oblivious or have decided to be even worse than they were and the people I didn’t want to offend think I’m a lying pos or a show-off now (depending on who). I guess they couldn’t figure out why I would attack them, or they had reasons but felt that they had tried to be nice? Well…I was trying to state the obvious to point out people’s arrogance, dishonesty and stupidity for those people who I felt deserved it and not for others who I didn’t want to offend (for whatever reason)…

Here’s an example of one type of individual I wanted to annoy: They might have shared on Instagram publicly or privately that they couldn’t buy new clothes after losing a ton of weight because they were so lacking in funds. And then they might have commented on one of my posts something like, “I hope you can buy this.” (in reference to something I said I was actually planning to buy and not just hoping to). “It’s so expensive. But it’s fun to dream isn’t it? I do that too sometimes.”

*rolling eyes*

Then when I tried to clarify to them that I was truly planning to buy it they acted like I was lying. *sigh* And of course when I actually purchased it they seemed strangely quiet despite making a big deal about it before.

And they (and others like them) did that sort of thing so many times (over the years), even after I tried to carefully and kindly explain privately and publicly that I wasn’t lacking funds to buy certain things. It was like my words and kind attempts to be discreet meant nothing.

But of course they then became combative about every other thing I posted too, regardless if it was monetary or not. I suddenly didn’t know anything about anything and they were experts waiting to tell me I was almost always wrong.

It drove me crazy. It’s like, “Don’t try to be my friend or acquaintance if you just want a sycophant who tip toes around everything that could make you feel insecure. I actually exist and am not just a figment of your imagination.”

Oh well… But there! My dear friend who suggested I write this is reading it as I write and thinks that I truly shouldn’t have to explain any more now. Ever again.


Currently I have over 500 bottles (mainly vintage and some antique) in my perfume collection. I started with about nine bottles back in 2014: Dior Miss Dior Chérie, Chloé Narcisse, Guerlain Aqua Allegoria Bouquet Numero 2, vintage Echt Kölnischwasser No. 4712, Clinique Happy, Chanel Coco Mlle. (edp and edt), Giorgio Beverly Hills and Armani Code (for women). Then I just kept collecting passionately. (Some serious collectors have over 1,000! It’s awe-inspiring.) …And, I reviewed every fragrance in my collection on this blog (those posts are no longer “in print”).

I try to keep my collection around 500. To most that would seem beyond outrageous, but *shrug* to me perfume it’s a form of art and I derive a great amount of joy from almost every bottle in my collection. The boxes, the bottles, the fragrances themselves and the history behind each piece is a sensory feast.

How did it happen? To be very blunt (I’ve come to be out of exasperation over the years) in 2012 I was given a part of my inheritance and perfume became my main indulgence in 2014 after I read numerous reviews online and on Instagram from brilliant vintage collectors who inspired me to go on my own search to explore vintage fragrances. I had loved almost everything antique and vintage since childhood when I used to go to art museums and antique stores with my parents or enjoy the antique heirlooms and Native American artifacts we had in our living room. I used to collect vintage tea cups as a teenager.

Obviously, it’s a blessing to have such a collection BUT, I do try to take good care of the bottles I’ve collected and given the interest of my children I suspect it’ll be a collection that will be enjoyed in at least our family for many years to come. It’s a delight.

Again, perfume is a multi sensory experience. And, as my collection has grown so have my tastes. I love vintages but I appreciate many others too (sometimes for sentimental reasons). If you’d like to view a part of my current catalog my Fragrantica ID is MuirinS (just be warned that my current profile is a mess – the bottles are all out order).


She Wants Stuff

I had a quick conversation with a good friend today who self-admittedly has struggled with jealousy periodically in her life. “She just wants your handbag or your nose or your hair or your house.” she said in reference to a lady she claims to know is currently jealous of me and my family. Then she made a hand gesture to indicate money. Apparently, her jealousy wasn’t so deeply felt after all?

I find that sad. Not “sad” as in pathetic, but sad as in that it’s tragic that a human could find themselves so overwhelmed by a desire for something they don’t have that they start to hate those who they think do have it. Those they know do, I suppose. And I think part of the reason I don’t feel jealousy is because I don’t let myself feel it… It’s illogical to me. Despising someone who has something you want doesn’t help you get what you want. Does it?

I’ve had women try to seduce my husband because they think he’s the source of my financial security or they just assume he’s financially blessed for other reasons. It’s never worked, and it never will but…it genuinely amazes me that they’d go that far for more money.

When I read people making dubious claims about the moral bankruptcy of the ultra rich or rich I find myself…depressed. As, from my experience, there truly are good people and bad people everywhere in every class.

Is that comforting? No.

That lady who can’t “make it” as a real estate agent (by her own admission) and giggles just a bit too much around my husband? Who has told my husband that she’s “in awe” of him and his mind? I know she’s not a good person. (She also likely doesn’t read this blog or even know about it, thankfully.) But, she’s not rich. Not by a long-shot. And, the first time she saw my husband she asked him questions about our car… Too many questions. …She drives a Kia.

But, there are (often older) men at certain country clubs with a lot of money. A lot. And, they might not be ultra-rich (as in over 100 million) but they’re rich (many millions). And when they see a 30-something woman who’s married they are “intrigued”. So many marriages get tired. Worn out… AND, they wonder about our marriage. They wonder… They wonder a bit too much. But they don’t really care. No. It’s just their own discontent and existential angst finding some way to soothe itself. Are they good people? Oftentimes (not always), they are not.

It’s nice to think that the party and real goodness is in the office with your co-workers who strive endlessly every day for their middle-class paycheck. It’s pleasant to think that safety is in the crowd of those like you at the nice places. And could there even be some truth to all of these clichés? Maybe. Maybe not…. But more likely, it’s just the way we make ourselves feel better. It’s not the truth.

There are good people and bad people everywhere. “Rich people aren’t different than us.” I once said in a college course. Another student was very upset by this… “But, they are!” she protested. I didn’t give in because I couldn’t. …There are good people and bad people everywhere.

The President

Next week my father will be at an event where President Trump is giving a speech. One of my father’s oldest and closest friends is very politically connected and he (probably rather easily) has free tickets. I’m excited for my father to attend.

But, I also feel…angry.

Part of me really wants to respect the fact that my father and his buddies care about our world and country so much (and political rallies are honestly a blast), while also rejecting Trump as the true leader of our country. It’s drilled into our minds every day by the media to totally abhor him and his administration and if there’s anything completely truthful about their stories there are some very legitimate reasons to despise him as a leader or even condemn him personally. But, the thing is, part of me also respects President Donald Trump (Sr.). …There…I said it. I feel very conflicted about him as a President.

You know what’s funny though? People often talk about how he’s racist and I won’t truly discuss that because it’s way too complex a topic for just this post, but…I have it on good authority that he actually is somewhat popular in some minority communities. *shrug* Maybe he’s not openly popular but, according to someone who knows, he actually is secretly admired by more minorities than is reported by most media sources. He won for a reason.

You know who really hates him (the most), ironically? Upper-middle class and middle class (American) white people. Their hatred is real.

…Actually though, I also feel conflicted about my culture in general right now. It’s meaningless drivel at best, in my opinion, to go on about things while resting (to exhaustion) on the premise that Western Civilization is basically entirely evil and that that’s the only honorable thing to presume. It’s also way beyond dishonest and patronizing. It’s actually kind of…racist.

The thing is…no one culture is truly good and no one culture is pure evil. People aren’t generally that simple on an individual level, thank goodness. In a group people are also profoundly complex. Right?

It’s sick and “gross” (that is such a popular word right now to describe something pejoratively and it’s getting annoying to see everywhere but I had to use it once too) to think that we’re doing anyone a favor by making things white = evil (more evil than other races I guess). Or even privilege = evil (the scum rises to the top?). *rolling eyes* Again, we’re all just human.

Black can be evil too. (Yes!! Oh my word! I did really just write that!!!) And did you know that Hispanics are human enough (and smart enough) to be bad sometimes too. Ha! So are Asians. We can all be evil. It’s not just a white thing to be so darn bad (picture the very white James Bond as a villain) that it’s…almost good? *rolling eyes* We’re both giving ourselves way too much credit and not enough, in some ways, as white folks these days. We are unique (every race is) and we have committed some real atrocities (not to disappoint those who seem to get an adrenaline rush from “learning” more about our evil-superhero mystique) but…we’re not that unique.

So…there are good and bad people everywhere. There are good and bad people who are privileged. There are good and bad people who are not currently as privileged. It’s actually sort of…dull…in a lovely way? Maybe? Hmm? Also, it minimizes really heinous acts of racism and classism that actually exist to over-label every damn thing as “privilege” of some sort. It makes the truth of evil too “of the moment” and therefore vulnerable to the next social trend.

…But we all want drama right now, it seems. More than truth and self-respect or quiet and depth we want something fascinating to watch. And, I do know one thing, my father will see a very entertaining President next week. He’s not dull. *laughing*

Or wait! No… He’s not. He is dull? And too skinny? Or wait no… He’s beautiful. Or? He’s an orange, fat madman. He’s a facist but not…like…he’s too populist but also too socialist… Or wait!! No. He’s a capitalist! Or wait no… He’s just gross. Soo gross. So lacking in self-awareness. Such a gross example of white privilege and lack of self-awareness.

(I’ve *literally* heard all of these things about him lately. …Of course, it was very 2017/18 of me to say what I just said but also still a real sentence and what I meant to say.)

*rolling eyes*

Poor Bernie. Poor Joe… Poor Elizabeth.

*Staring into the wildly overwhelming future*

Before… (Personal Musing Part II)

So…if reincarnation is what happens to some people (hypothetically speaking because I don’t know of course and I actually am a Christian) who was I? Who were you?

I’m pretty certain my parents owned an apartment in Manhattan near a few department stores, or at least I did. It had been in the family? And, I think those stores died or went into their own decline during the overall decline of NYC in the latter half of the Twentieth Century. I think the decline of NYC affected me a lot.

I think I visited Great Britain at least once and did a lot of looking around… I might not have lived there though (as I had previously thought). But I know I loved it or was at least intrigued by it and I still am.

I think I had a similar look in some ways to what I have now but my eyes were blue (or lighter than they are now). I also think I had a somewhat different facial profile. When I pose for photos I suspect I’m posing with that face in mind (subconsciously) and not this one. *laughing* I bet I was more photogenic before than I am now too… Not prettier. But more photogenic. (Those are different things.)

My parents were both good people, I think. I think they were both very inquisitive people too. My father may have been a bit cold at times though.

I think I drank absinthe back then. I rode on the Queen Mary; I have a creepy “memory” of being in the infamous swimming pool at night on the ocean. I think I liked driving cars. Fast! I think I was known for being a “good female driver”. But I bet I was also a pushy driver at times.

I think I may have met F. Scott Fitzgerald once and had dinner and drinks with him (for professional reasons – not as in prostitution – but as in he held professional power and I was meeting with him for some reason). Yes. Go ahead and laugh. Ha! Sadly however, he may have scared me that evening… I think he seemed…”witchy” (as in almost too knowing and intuitive), condescending and sneering. I suspect I met him in his decline. IF I met him at all, of course. …When I first read Fitzgerald in high school (in this lifetime) I remember looking at the back of one of his novels and feeling very uneasy and slightly overwhelmed. I think he “got fresh with me”. Ha! And, the image of a…cantankerous, slightly inebriated “older man” in a tweed suit who was mad that I wasn’t instantly smitten by him for being so…brilliant and sophisticated (?)…may have been in my mind. He also seemed pitiful in a way that garnered genuine sympathy. Again, go ahead and laugh or roll your eyes. It doesn’t change what I know or have experienced though. *shrug* Now I know he was indeed brilliant…and my opinion of him has changed overall (from my first gut feeling when I read him in high school or knew of him “before”). Perhaps, I had heard of him back then before meeting him that once (probably read him too), but I thought he was “out of style” and more my parent’s sort of writer whereas now I see his value beyond time. *shrug*

I have other “memories” too. Ones I cannot or will not discuss here.

Maybe I just have an active imagination though. Maybe I’m just tapping into someone else’s “memories”… *shrug* They do feel personal though.

I know I loved wearing hats and gloves and jewelry and all of that. A lot. Although, I can’t think of which specific perfume I wore. I bet it might have been something with a white flower emphasis? Not No. 22 though… Maybe I didn’t wear a lot of fragrance, even if I was well aware of perfumes.

I think my current husband and I were somehow connected. We may find each other comforting now for lots of good reasons…

I suspect I was better at math. I also was a bit more temperamental? …I don’t think I was perceived as being as feminine (even though I was as feminine) as I seemingly am now, although I was still mostly conventionally pretty I think. Just in a somewhat different way. Maybe it was less delicate and more a crisp and fresh sort of pretty?

That’s a lot. Thanks for reading all of it if you did.