Keen to Cross the Pond

Did Ex Nihilo mean to mock Lacey? Maybe not? But Lacey finds it suspicious.

Lacey: It’s irritating how off you are.

I’d actually like to be insulted!

But it makes no sense!

The orange ice cream thing? Or orange soda? Like…what!?

Ex Nihilo (?): Umm…I feel like this becoming a joke.

Lacey: Can you psychologically handle that!?

Ex Nihilo (?): We seem mentally unstable?

The CIA: Yeah! You all do.

Ex Nihilo (?):

The CIA: Are you trying to go after sex predators in the Illuminati…by attacking her sex life? Because that’s what you did. If that perfume was about her.

Ex Nihilo (?): Yes.

We assumed she was a heartless, ugly freak.

The CIA: That’s INSANE!!!

Ex Nihilo (?): Her eyes look so evil! As a child!!

The CIA: No. You’re being a sociopath. They’re the opposite!! The TOTAL opposite. And you see that, and we see that, and then you “cry wolf” and say the opposite. Because you’re a loser who feels that desperate.

Ex Nihilo (?): True.

I’m just giving you a taste of your own medicine.

The CIA: Not really.

Ex Nihilo (?): Okay.

No, I can’t handle it.

Lacey: Yeah…

So…why can’t you find a way to actually be insulting?

Ex Nihilo (?): Help!

Lacey: Okay.

Ex Nihilo (?): OH CRAP! She’s going to help us insult her.

*later*

Lacey: How about, “Hey, Lacey! Got any dead men and rotten bottles of perfume? I’m planning for Halloween!”

A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: GOOD ONE! *they laugh at her*

Another hater in the perfume community: Wait! Are you being sarcastic?

A hater of Lacey’s in the perfume community: YES! DUH!

She’s such an idiot. SUCH a good target!

Ex Nihilo (?): That’s…spot on. Admittedly.

…I was going for something…that makes you seem weak. And peasant-like.

The Illuminati: Some people have such humility, like her, that they don’t get aggravated or insulted that way.

Ex Nihilo (?): Then how can I hurt her?

Lacey: The only way to hurt me, at this point, is to use physical force. And then I die, if you go too far. I have been through so much, my anger- I’m in survival mode.

I may get slightly hurt? But…not easily.

Ex Nihilo (?): You’re a hard person?

Lacey: I’ve been living in Hell, and I’m VERY tough. Maybe I’m hard? But not really. More just…over it.

Ex Nihilo (?): You sound like an upper class New Yorker.

Lacey: There’s NOTHING I can do about that! What do you think this is!?

Ex Nihilo (?): How do we irritate you?

Lacey: Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep making idiotic perfumes, that waste your time and money, and deeply insult my intelligence.

Ex Nihilo (?): It’s my time and money.

Lacey: YUCK! Why do you do that!?

*later*

Ex Nihilo (?): Invent an insulting not just irritating perfume!

Lacey: Apple. Paper. Sweat. Call it, “Ambitious”.

Ex Nihilo (?): I’ve been trying to ignore everything you say, that matters, so I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just trying to seem like I’m too important, in comparison to you, to care…but…-

Lacey: I used to do canvasing for politicians. And I wore DKNY Be Delicious.

Ex Nihilo (?): So what!?

Lacey: Are you feeling narcissistically insulted?

Ex Nihilo (?): YES.

Lacey: It’s your funeral. *she laughs* You shouldn’t try to take someone down if you refuse to even accept who they are because you’re so massively insecure?

Ex Nihilo (?):

*long pause*

*Intentionally no response.*

Dimitry: OH COME ON!

I want to hear the story.

It’s going to drive me nuts.

Ex Nihilo (?): *cries*

Lacey: It’s all there.

Apple, a reference to Be Delicious. Paper, a reference to ballots and fliers and other documents related to elections. And sweat, a reference to how hot I got walking around, door to door, talking to people.

The joke is that I’m a hot, sweaty mess. Soaked in Be Delicious. But, I’m so ambitious I wear it…and smell stupid. It’s a joke about my decision to try to be a politician.

I’m WAY too feminine. But I love politics and war fascinates me.

And I made a fool of myself, but I did learn something.

A perfume community hater: So men actually hit on you when you were trying to convince them to vote for your candidate?

Lacey: YES!

It was very eye-opening.

They were mildly concerned about the candidate, but then they’d automatically get flirty. And not just flirty, aggressive. …It was actually quite scary-

Ex Nihilo (?): You know I’m not that sexy!

Why keep talking!?

Lacey: Because it’s not ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!! DUMBASS!

Ex Nihilo (?): I’m starting to lose interest.

Lacey: Yeah, whatever.

And you still don’t know what even happened!

The men were coming on to me! …And they were polite, but they were very…aggressive. It was scary.

Ex Nihilo (?): Great! Now she’s a feminist!?

Lacey: AHH…THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!

It’s not bragging, nor “feminism”. I’m TELLING YOU WHAT HAPPENED!

Ex Nihilo (?): But you’re saying it in this faux feminine way.

Lem: NO!!!! BIG MISTAKE!!! THAT’S REAL!!!

Ex Nihilo (?): So you like poodles?

Lem: *thinks*

No.

She’s not really a poodle.

Is Goldie Hawn a poodle?

Ex Nihilo (?): This isn’t funny.

Lacey: Why? I feel like…demon dancer…is off. But…I’m not not a dancer…? …You know?

Ex Nihilo (?): So she’s ditzy. Not dumb.

Ahh…okay. But that’s the problem.

I don’t want that. Demon Dancer is about a black man. I can’t handle that she’s not a man. Because I’m a fucking retard. And I have serious sexual insecurities. Sexy women are like Hell to me. Because I’m so fucking shitty compared to them.

They beat me. Every time.

Dimitry: You sound like a gay incel.

Ex Nihilo (?):

Dimitry: So you created Demon Dancer to mock her? But you screwed it up…because you’re mad your boyfriend prefers her?

Ex Nihilo (?): I can’t believe Lem isn’t homosexual! AT ALL!? *he cries*

I’m sorry! I loved that movie!

Casi: It was a book.

Ex Nihilo (?): Wasn’t it a movie!?

Casi: You would think. No.

Ex Nihilo (?): Wasn’t it a Netflix special?

Casi: No! You’re thinking of the JFK Jr. series.

Ex Nihilo (?): I’m not THIS DUMB!

*he throws a plate on the floor*

I’m NOT this DUMB!!

Dimitry: Why don’t you use the idea she gave you. You were so excited about that.

Ex Nihilo (?): I want SEX.

Dimitry: What!?

Ex Nihilo (?): I just want to be sexual.

Dimitry: ???

Ex Nihilo (?): GIVE ME A SEXUAL INSULT! PLEASE!

Lacey: *thinks*

Lem: There isn’t one. It’s like sexually insulting Elizabeth Taylor.

Ex Nihilo (?): SLUT!

Lem: No.

Ex Nihilo (?): So…I’m just weird.

Umm…

GIVE ME SOMETHING-

God: Did niche perfumers need to get rid of Lacey? To make more money? And they started using people to attack her, viciously?

Ex Nihilo (?): No.

But…we loved the idea of using antagonism towards her to make a profit.

Lacey: I’ve never understood why you didn’t use me?

Ex Nihilo (?): You aren’t our aesthetic. Even if we’ve actually copied your aesthetic.

Lacey: How?

Ex Nihilo (?): You don’t do the…stuff.

You’re too…authentic. And raw. And unpolished.

Lacey: YEAH!

So how am I a liar?

Ex Nihilo (?): We made that up.

I think people knew…the truth…but…didn’t like the idea.

Lacey: Why not use me?

Ex Nihilo (?): You didn’t seem interested.

Lacey: How does one seem interested?

Ex Nihilo (?): You didn’t seem polished enough. And you didn’t seem poor enough.

To be blunt.

Lacey: So you wanted a…very edited…professional sort of approach…combined with a need and desire for free perfume?

Ex Nihilo (?): Yes.

Lacey: That’s what I thought.

The thing is…you needed to use me. Or something like this was going to happen.

Ex Nihilo (?): I think we sacrificed you…to make a quick buck. But long-term…I have a bad feeling about it.

Lacey: Yeah.

I feel SO bad for people collecting ALL that perfume. Thousands and thousands and thousands of Dollars.

It’s a waste.

Ex Nihilo (?): But that’s their decision.

*he smiles*

It’s fine.

Lacey: Do you see niche lasting longer than five years?

Ex Nihilo: YES!

Lacey: HOW!?

Ex Nihilo: We have WEALTH and refinement in the community. People have told me so.

The CIA: Lacey did that. And you plagiarize her. But that’s her TEN YEARS AGO.

What will you look like FIVE YEARS FROM NOW?

Ex Nihilo (?): I’m not worried!

A reader: Are you antagonizing the demonic?

Ex Nihilo (?): *they laugh*

It’s tongue in cheek. Admittedly.

We have a sense of humor. And we’re good Liberals.

A reader: Who’s the Liberal deity? Other than us?

Ex Nihilo (?): No one.

A reader: Then who saves you? If you screw-up?

Ex Nihilo (?): It’s a perfume about how JFK tried to steal Lacey’s soul.

Lem: No. It’s not.

I like orange. HE wouldn’t have worn that. For any reason.

Ex Nihilo (?): DOESN’T HE BECOME HER?

God: That’s metaphysically impossible.

Ex Nihilo (?): YEAH! HE BECAME HER!!

God: I repeat. That’s not metaphysically POSSIBLE.

Ex Nihilo (?):

A reader: DUDE! Why did you decide to mock the demons in the Illuminati?

For HAVING SEX!

*hours later*

Lacey: I’m mad, but I’m not trying to be rude, when I say this: You need to figure out what you’re really mad at me about, and then express that. Or experience that.

I can’t tell what’s making you angry. I’m sorry.

Don’t harass me. Don’t attack me. Don’t come at me with your rage. Even though I do care. I can’t fix everything for everyone well enough…to make people in the perfume community happy.

More snl

A reader from last night: Okay! But why Madisonville?

Lacey: Because I remember that that’s where Casi Hart was from.

A reader from last night: Oh. I didn’t realize you knew that.

Lacey: DUH!

You people are unfortunately so slow!

A reader from last night: Yeah. She’s not rich. You are.

Okay.

So I’m supposed to think my insistence that you’re poor…and my gullibility in thinking she’s not…is the problem!? But that’s not it!

No.

YOU are the problem!

Because-

OKAY!

*they roll their eyes*

See…we are making fun of you. How do you not ever understand that!!!?

Lem: WE DON’T FUCKING CARE!

YOU DO NOT MATTER AT ALL, IN THAT WAY!!!

A woman who hates her: You’re mean.

Lacey: No. You just don’t matter!!!!!

Not in that way!

A reader from last night: But it’s so cool. That a whole community is rising-up together, to combat evil.

God: How is she evil?

A reader from last night: Because she said she was old money!

God: That’s not inappropriate in that situation.

And she shared what she did last night to explain to Casi what’s real and what’s fake.

A reader from last night: But it’s a whole community!

Isn’t that cool! A whole community is rising-up!!!

Lem: You also have no idea how to actually confront her. And she’s had to piece together for about ten years why everyone is so angry.

Because nobody has ever said anything in person. Ever! No one has ever confronted her ONCE in person.

Does it seem like you’re shooting in the dark? When you attack her?

Like this latest release from Ex Nihilo. You’re not affecting her in any way that a Nazi in a concentration camp wouldn’t be affecting a victim. Are you pleased?!

A reader: Are we as a perfume community like a mini Illuminati in her neighborhood? Do we control their brains? (He asks proudly)

The Illuminati: No! We do. They actually read her blog.

A reader: They read HER blog!? YEAH RIGHT!

She’s dumb as hell!

They’d not read this PIECE OF SHIT!

A neighbor: Except we did.

Because she bought a house in an expensive neighborhood where we read people’s blog without them knowing.

The Illuminati: That’s a trash thing to do, actually.

A neighbor: WELL I ROCK!

*they laugh*

The Illuminati: Stop reflexively trying to attack her. Think about what’s being said first.

Have you ever found a good way to actually affect her!?!?

A neighbor: No. I just feel stupid, and then I lie about it.

Lem: Because your attack doesn’t make sense to begin with.

Did Demon Dancer, the perfume, work?

A perfume collector: YES.

Lem: No. It doesn’t.

A random person reading this blog: I don’t think I want to be online. And I don’t think I want to buy anything from you people anymore. You’re stupid dangerous idiots!!

A perfume collector: THEN DON’T BUY PERFUME!

*they laugh at the reader*

A random person reading this blog: I won’t.

A perfume collector: GOOD.

I wouldn’t want to smell anything on you anyway.

Ex Nihilo (?): I mean, do you even wear perfume!?

A random person reading this blog: Yes!

It’s fine!

You don’t know who I am or where I live. If I need to buy something again I will shop in store. Never online! Not from Ex Nihilo.

Ex Nihilo (?): Why doesn’t she just buy an old mansion in Minneapolis and rot to death.

The Illuminati: Rot to death?

Ex Nihilo: I’m making fun of you.

A surgeon in the Illuminati: How does a living person rot to death?

Ex Nihilo: So she can buy an expensive house!? YEAH RIGHT!

A surgeon in the Illuminati: How does a living person rot…to death?

Ex Nihilo (?): They can’t.

A surgeon in the Illuminati: Did you think about what you were saying first?

Ex Nihilo (?): No.

The Illuminati: How much real adult thinking have you done in relation to her at all?

Demon Dancer is too far. For us.

Do you understand why!?

Ex Nihilo: No.

The Illuminati: It cuts into OUR bottom line.

You’re trashing your own company.

And I’m scared you’re going to ruin the whole internet.

Ex Nihilo (?): *terrified*

A clean girl aesthetic woman: I just don’t have sex anymore. I’m too clean…I guess.

No problem.

No one buys perfume? Then no one buys perfume.

Ex Nihilo (?): Yeah.

I fail to see a problem!

The Illuminati: So YOU are old money? Or generational wealth?

Ex Nihilo: *thinks*

What does it matter!?

The Illuminati: Do you need money?

For like…stuff?

*later*

A woman named Liz: Do you all seriously think she’s poor? I’m not sure I understand.

Ex Nihilo (?): Yes?

Because she’s just not that impressive.

A woman named Liz: *laughs at them*

The Illuminati: Do you need money?

Ex Nihilo (?): Yes.

DUH!

The Illuminati: Then why create something like Demon Dancer? Who does that appeal to!?

Estée Lauder Radiance looks atrocious too, to be honest.

Ex Nihilo: See part of the way I’m winning…in these tournaments…is that I never explain myself. I just subtly let you down. Because we all already know…

And…-

See you already KNOW I am superior. And by not being clear…I’m exercising control over you. And then that makes you LOOK STUPID. And you grovel at my feet! And then…I win.

The Illuminati: NO! YOU WASTE TIME!!

Ex Nihilo (?): I’m just being sadistic like you.

The Illuminati: Okay…but Lacey’s not like that. And we’re in SERIOUS trouble all over the world because we’ve done that. It’s not elite. It’s desperate.

Ex Nihilo (?): *thinks*

Why does Lem want her to smell like fruit?

Liz: Ahh…

ARE YOU SERIOUS!?

Ex Nihilo (?): Yes?

Liz: *stares at them*

He wants to like…devour her. It’s suggestive.

Ex Nihilo (?): I don’t think I wanted to figure that out.

The Illuminati: How is that not OBVIOUS!?

Have you read about what men find arousing?

Ex Nihilo (?): No.

I don’t create fragrances for heterosexuals.

The Illuminati: Wow!

That just shot out of your mouth!

Do you understand why she mocked you?

Ex Nihilo (?): No.

The Illuminati: Because you seemed…elegant, tasteful, but incredibly pretentious. And you’re just making it worse!

Ex Nihilo (?): So she wasn’t giving us an accidental compliment?

Liz: You guys are SICK.

The Illuminati: No. And a demon wouldn’t take pleasure, necessarily, as a sensual fleshly creature. I doubt demons fantasize about women being covered in whipped cream.

Chantilly.

You’re ruining your business. I’m sorry.

Ex Nihilo (?): I had to stop and think about what you meant by Chantilly.

Okay! You mean Chantilly perfume.

A historian at Harvard: DUH!!! DUH!!!

Wow!!!

You all are AMAZING.

I’m horrified…

Ex Nihilo (?): And then I’m insulting the religious rights of the Illuminati.

The Illuminati: What the HELL even IS this!!?

Ex Nihilo (?): It’s a smack-down!

The Illuminati: No. You just said that to yourself to make sense.

This is WEIRD.

Ex Nihilo (?): No! We’re being-

We have DIGNITY.

The Illuminati: You are TALKING TO ME, SOLELY THROUGH LACEY!!!

Ex Nihilo (?): *thinks*

Yes.

Which is why I’m insulting her too.

The Illuminati: But that’s erroneous. And we’re attacking HER. NOT YOU.

Ex Nihilo (?): No, but you’re all the same.

The Illuminati: No. You’re just pathetic!

Ex Nihilo (?): I don’t want to give a SHIT about her. I JUST WANT RESULTS!!!

The Illuminati: What do you want?

Ex Nihilo (?): *thinks dreamily*

I want to walk into her living-room…and shit in her face.

No.

Actually, I want to…have this conversation:

“Lacey: ‘I want to be your friend!’

Casi Hart: ‘No. You aren’t cool enough.’

Lacey: ‘Oh my GOD! WHY!? You’re so cool!’

Casi Hart: ‘You’re not as good…AS ME!’

Listen to “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now” by McFadden & Whitehead.

The Illuminati: Write another one!

Ex Nihilo (?): “Lacey: I have a rich family.

Casi: Not like MY family.

Lacey: WOW! Okay. I’m an ugly peasant loser. Not you, I guess.”

I’ll write another one.

“Lacey: Can you be my friend?

Casi: No! You aren’t as pretty as me.

Lacey: WOW! I am ugly.”

I’ll write another one.

“Lacey: I’m happy! Yay! Look at me, you ugly losers! I HATE YOU!

Casi: Ha!

That’s interesting. Why do you HATE US!? *smirks*

Lacey: Geez! You caught me! I’m just horribly disappointed in myself and jealous of you!

Casi: That’s okay! I’m a really good person, not just hot. I actually wish you well.

I hope God heals your heart. Because you’re not alone. I love you. Even though you’ll never be me.”

I’ll write another one.

“Lacey: I have a feeling you’re not that sophisticated!

Casi: Ha! The truth is, I’d be ruling the world, if I was given your privileges.

Lacey: Oh wow!

I’m so incredibly impressed. You scare me.

Can I be like you?”

The Illuminati: So you all met Scotia. Lady Rosslyn. Lem Billings’s wife. Plot twist! …And no, she’s not JFK. …And you decided to “make a point”?

The perfume community: *thinks*

She’s so nice and humble. We thought it was in the bag.

The Illuminati: Huh.

You didn’t expect Lady Rosslyn to be humble?

The perfume community: No.

We assumed the Kennedys were the ultimate target. The gold standard.

Could Lacey be Mrs. Roosevelt?

The Illuminati: YES!

The perfume community: So we decided to attack Eleanor Roosevelt’s– Wasn’t she compassionate?

The Illuminati: Ahh…yes! FDR rescued the American people in two times of crisis.

Do you know what those times were?

The perfume community: The Stock Market Crash. …And…

*some time later*

The War. World War II.

The Illuminati: Actually, it was the Great Depression. And, yes, World War II.

The perfume community: Same thing!

The Illuminati: No, it’s not.

The perfume community:

*Over an hour later*

Would not telling us what’s happening with Ex Nihilo have any effect? Did you need to tell us?

The Illuminati: *laughs*

No. We were trying to work with the situation.

Casi: SHIT!

You have freaked me out!

*later*

The Illuminati: I’m confused.

Do you understand that you fucked-up? Or no?

Ex Nihilo (?): We didn’t base that perfume on Lacey.

We would never do that.

Who is she!?

The Illuminati: I have a really sick feeling you know who she is.

Ex Nihilo (?): No!

Nobody talks about her.

The Illuminati: Except…THEY DO.

Ex Nihilo (?): So it’s a felony?

The Illuminati: DUH!!

Ex Nihilo (?): Well…could you prove in court we based that perfume on her?

Vogue: Possibly.

Is it even any good?

Ex Nihilo (?): It’s VERY good.

Vogue: Considering what’s available today, it’s actually just mediocre.

And she’s almost certainly never even going to smell it.

Why do you keep attacking her like she’s actually just you!?

That’s MORONIC.

A hater in the community: Ahh…because then I can’t attack her…

The CIA: YEAH!

Why did you all choose her as a target?

A hater in the community: To be honest? Because she was the only old money person there who would admit to it.

The CIA: So…you assumed she was vain?

A hater in the community: No, but-

We hoped she was.

The CIA: Okay, so she’s not.

Now what?

A hater in the community: I mean…

Can we win now!? COME ON!

The CIA: This isn’t a movie!!

A hater in the community: But it’s a blog.

And these are just words on my screen!

It feels like a movie!

The CIA: But it’s not!

A hater in the community: Okay.

We need another old money victim.

The CIA: What are you trying to do to them?

A hater in the community: *thinks*

Okay.

We are trying to start a war.

The CIA: With what?

Where?

A hater in the community: With guns and knives.

Everywhere.

The CIA: That’s incredibly dangerous.

So…you want to literally fight…in person?

A hater in the community: No.

The CIA: Then who are you fighting with your guns and knives?

A hater in the community: Lacey.

The CIA: So you’re going to cut her up? And shoot her. Why?

A hater in the community: Because we’re narcissists. I guess.

The CIA: And you’re also ALL violent criminals then too. Who should be prosecuted.

A hater in the community: And go to jail!

The CIA: YEAH!

For YEARS.

A hater in the community: Free meals!

*they laugh*

The CIA: Or you might be electrocuted. All of you. I mean, that’s highly unusual, but it’s your own right.

A hater in the community: Maybe not?

The CIA: Okay…

Then who are we attacking?

A hater in the community: You?

The CIA: Okay.

Huh.

Where do you start?

A hater in the community: *thinks*

The CIA: Attacking good people, like Lacey, who are just minding their own business is incredibly dumb. I’m sorry we led you to believe otherwise? How did you all get this idea!?

A hater in the community: I wonder if it’s the sale of CHILDREN?

The CIA: Yeah.

A hater in the community: And then some people ATE THEM.

The CIA: