Keen to Cross the Pond

Listen to “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” as performed by Freddy Martin.

Doris Day: I didn’t think you would all get this bad.

You don’t hate her. You’re just jealous.

When I died…I assumed she’d eventually be okay.

Why…are you all…SO SICK!?

Russia: It’s too fun.

Doris Day: FUN!?

Russia: Yeah.

Doris Day: Are you high!?

Russia: Yes.

Doris Day: On WHAT!?

Russia: *the young woman laughs* An upper.

Doris Day: Wow!

And you’re hanging out with Putin?

Russia: Yeah. He pays us?

If his wife gets tired…we fill in for her.

Doris Day: I get it.

Okay.

A famous journalist from America: I’m at the VERY TOP! I’m at the VERY TOP, OF SOCIETY!

Putin’s Wife: Yeah. So am I.

A famous journalist from America: We…are a big deal, Lacey. NOT YOU.

You had 6,000 supposed followers on Instagram. I had less. *he shrugs*

But…ah…I am the big deal. NOT YOU!

Lacey: I never said you weren’t a big deal?

A famous journalist from America: Then why aren’t you FAR more concerned about me!? WHY THE ATTITUDE!?

YOU STUPID PRICK!!

An ancient Chinese man: *laughs*

What’s this attitude?

A famous journalist from America: It’s simple, really.

When I say “Hello!” YOU GREET ME!

Lacey: When did you ever “say hello”?

A famous journalist from America: I just said it!

Lacey: I heard NOTHING. Or rather, Laura said she heard nothing. And I didn’t feel anything from you spiritually, either.

A famous journalist from America: I did it again, in my spirit.

Lacey: Nothing.

A famous journalist from America: I did it again.

Lacey: *thinks*

Huh.

That’s you saying hello!?

A famous journalist from America: Yes.

Lacey: All I hear are rivers. Literally.

I hear literal rivers. And I see peat moss.

Listen to the song over again.

Lacey: I see nature.

It’s actually quite nice.

But I certainly don’t hear hello.

Putin’s wife: Would you party with us?

Lacey: No!

Don’t you find the peat moss relaxing?

A famous journalist from America: *stares at Lacey*

Lacey: Is he staring at me, in the spirit?

Laura: Yes.

A famous journalist from America: I’m BETTER THAN YOU.

Laura: No, you’re not. You’re not nearly as rich as I am.

A famous journalist from America: I’m too rich to care. See!

*He shows-off, and forces himself to laugh*

Queen Elizabeth II: They’re PATHETIC.

Most leaders today. EMBARRASSING fools!

I had no idea how bad things were, until I died. They fooled me.

I begged to be resurrected from the dead. And I was told it was irreversible. By another ghost.

There are other explanations. But that was Lady Diana.

Prince William: Were you afraid of your granddaughter being attacked?

Queen Elizabeth II: YES!

I was thinking about lots of things. Lots of people.

But she was at the top of my list.

And I was afraid of my great granddaughter being attacked. Your daughter.

Princess Anne: Which granddaughter?

Queen Elizabeth II: You KNOW WHO.

Princess Anne: I think I know.

The song ends.

…

Listen to “Dumb” by Nirvana.

The Russian party heads back to the mansion. It’s been a long day.

They’re all rowdy and sloppy…and incredibly stupid looking. Like drunken, badly dressed robots. It’s HILARIOUS. But…they take themselves DEADLY seriously.

Listen to “Heart-Shaped Box” by Nirvana.

A famous journalist from America: Are you in a contest right now with William?

Emperor Constantine: We’re just trying to kindly tell him to shut-the-fuck-up.

Lady Diana: They don’t mean to attack you. But it was for your own good, and you’re fine.

Lady Rosslyn:

Is that scary sexy…or is this:

God: Definitely the second.

To say it’s contest is a joke and an attempt to destroy the Earth.

Lacey: That’s all we were saying Your Royal Highness.

I’m just not at all impressed.

They go around in an atvs!?

Ireland: What happened to attacking them on behalf of Ireland!?

God: Some idiot savant psychopath running something important…decided to ruin it. Because it was making people genuinely happy.

A famous Journalist in America: *bangs his head around, to dance*

I LOVE THAT GUY!

He’s my buddy.

ROCK ON!!

Listen to “Come as You Are” by Nirvana.

Hayden: This is why I’m glad I’m dead.

“Fuck you!” to the haters.

I’m glad I’m dead!

My daughter is my only concern now. And they were going to go after her if I lived. Because they wanted to torture me, for resisting them.

They did the same thing to Daveigh. That’s why she chose to keep getting high. To avoid being caught.

They let you destroy yourself. It’s so funny. …It never occurs to them that death isn’t necessarily at all the end.

They’re SUCH FOOLS.

And now I’m DEAD.

Whatchu gonna do!?

Listen to “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana.

Hayden: I swear my daughter is better off. But I’m keeping an eye on her.

The Duke of Northumberland: Why are you all attacking my family!?

(He’s speaking to “the powers that be”)

Japan: We’ve had three earthquakes after challenging Lacey.

Be careful.

If that’s going through your mind. BE as

CAREFUL.

The psychopath: I like her.

A famous journalist from America: I don’t.

The psychopath: She understands me. I’m sure her father knew MANY men like me.

Lacey: Yeah.

You get to the point.

Except…you also miss the point.

I’m sorry.

God: Why do you dislike her?

The psychics: This is real.

Be smart. PLEASE.

A reader: Why can’t we just kill the psychopaths?

The CID: They seem like the “Devil We Know”?

That kind of thing.

A journalist from America: I just can’t stand how good she is.

She’s such a goody-goody.

I think that’s most of it.

I just love being bad man.

One of his best mistresses: He is a kick-ass supervillain.

A journalist from America: I just hate how preachy she is.

Lem: Is she actually preachy?

God: No. They’re just scared of themselves and they’re too cowardly and selfish to admit it.

Lacey: You’re all fucking everything up!

You’re all possibly complete fuck-ups.

Why can’t you just be honest!?

People tend to call me that when they’re fucking-up and don’t want to see it.

Lem: I can’t STAND YOU RIGHT NOW! *he says to God*

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SALVATION, FOR THE LOVE OF JACK, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!

WHY DON’T YOU GO SUCK JACK KENNEDY’S COCK! YOU WORTHLESS WORM!?!

She’s the sweetest person. And they mean to torture every FUCKING DECENT HUMAN…UNTIL they die.

DO YOU CARE!?

YOU SAD, STUPID, WEAK LOSER!?

China: We don’t like this.

This is scary.

Constantine: THEN GO FIX IT.

China: We can’t make Joe Biden respect your wife.

Constantine: We did NOTHING WRONG.

China: Yeah.

A Chinese man: They’re poor, sad fools now, Lem.

Lacey: But I look outside my window and I see wealth and stability.

It’s not going to be easy.

The death of the West…is going to be horrific.

*silence*

Zelenskyy: They ride around on atvs.

Lacey: *feels like crying*

Zelensky: Yeah! I know.

Lacey: Are you as bad?

Zelensky: Yes.

Lacey: Do you understand why it’s repulsive?

Zelensky: Yes.

Lacey: Does he!?

Zelensky: No! *he laughs*

NO!

*they all think*

Lacey: Why do you like making fun of me?

Putin’s Wife: Because…you…seem…-

A Kennedy: You seem demonic!

Lacey: What!?

A Kennedy: You know what you did! Missy! You and that perfectly normal gay man!

What did you do to him!? What did you do to his brain!?

Lem: I was never gay!

A Kennedy: Give me Lem!

Not this…guy.

Lem: You didn’t really know me!

A Kennedy: That’s not true! We knew you perfectly well.

You were and are gay. Or you’re simply not thee Lem Billings.

Putin’s Wife: I am in love…with Bobby.

Yes.

Bobby Kennedy Junior.

But don’t worry!

Only for a night!

Just ONE night.

Putin: *too drunk to notice*

*He almost falls asleep*

Putin’s Wife: Bobby is NOT my lover.

He is my…teacher.

A reader: Is he there!?

CID: *shrugs*

A lot of people love the Kennedys. Worldwide. They’re very popular.

We may be using that.

Zelensky: Don’t worry! Lacey, Vladimir is used to this.

He has NO HEART!

Lacey: That’s not true.

I think she just…seduces him. Which is why I’m worried.

Rick: Is Bobby there!?

The CID: I don’t think so?

Lacey: I think he’s very attached to her!

*a moment later*

God: HOLD ON!!

Turns out Bobby has been trying to woo Putin’s “second wife”. He went after Putin first. But Putin isn’t attracted to men.

Casi: SHOOT!

How easy was she?

A Russian woman: *rolls her eyes and laughs*

Casi: OH GREAT!

The CID: Virginia, if that’s you, help us? Why is that bad!?

Casi: *she laughs*

I’ve been trying so hard to be Lacey…I don’t know.

*she laughs*

I think she’s just trying to be loved!

DO NOT believe her! She’s not to be trusted. She thinks Bobby loves her?

Putin: She could think that, I guess.

Casi: SHE DOES!

And to keep his love!? ANYTHING!

She’ll do ANYTHING.

Lem: Lacey and I were saying the same thing!

God: They’re choosing not to care.

Hayden was very pretty. Naturally.

Natural beauty is threatening to them.

But even if you got plastic surgery? They’d hate you. Don’t!

Bobby: The Tsarina and I…are just friends.

She’s a blessing.

Rick: Why do you like him!?

Lacey: LOOK AT HIM! He’s GORGEOUS. He’s an extremely handsome man.

Rick: *stunned by the similarities*

Lacey: I’ve seen those SAME EXACT SHOES…in another photo. They look gay. But…he wears them all of the time.

A gay man: How far apart were those photos in time?

Lacey: Possibly a year? I think he wore those in Florida? This is Germany.

A gay man: Those aren’t traveling shoes.

Lem: I know.

I didn’t have much of my own money. And I wanted to look…sharp. It’s not a concept that’s carried over into today.

A gay man: And looking gay is “sharp”?

Lem: Yeah! When you honestly think you’re gay.

A gay man: I don’t think we knew men like you existed?

A dead psychiatrist: No!

We did.

You did.

I’m a dead prominent psychiatrist from New York City. I treated Lem. For four years. I’m currently trying to help Lacey.

Okay…let’s back-up a moment.

Someone interrupts him: You’re helping her!?

A dead psychiatrist: YES!

Do you have any idea how much severe trauma she’s been through? It’s my job to help. I can. Easily. And it’s actually healing for me. I don’t think I was as helpful to Lem as I should have been.

Okay.

So let’s back-up.

Back in the early 20th century…AS YOU KNOW…gay men WERE NOT…allowed to marry.

Are you with me?

A gay man: Okay!

A dead psychiatrist: Have you noticed how Lacey tries to be…what some might call “edgy”?

A gay man: Yes!

A dead psychiatrist: That’s intentional.

Both her and Lem have a need to be different.

Can you understand that?

A gay man: Yes.

A dead psychiatrist: Good.

They’re both fiercely independent people. And I applaud them for that.

Okay, but back then…gay men were not allowed to marry. They were treated very badly.

We’re still waiting?

A gay man: *nods*

*starts to cry*

A dead psychiatrist: He felt the need to be different. She feels the need to be different.

Back then gay men…were trying to fit in? Okay. Well…but they didn’t. You know?

Lem noticed that. And instead of being repelled by it, he found it alluring.

Gay men…would not have noticed that Lem didn’t fit in. They were too anxious. They were too anxious to feel…safe…picking apart other gay men. Certainly not openly.

Lem seemed gay. *he shrugs* They just assumed he must be.

To be honest, they didn’t know how they were gay anyway. I mean, there were theories, but…it was all theoretical.

Am I helping?

A gay man: Yeah.

I mean I’ve read what she’s written.

A dead psychiatrist: Then what qualms do you have?

It’s all right there.

Jim: He’s right! I’m Karrie’s dad.

I’m almost 80.

Things were VERY different back then.

Elliott: I don’t think I understand the question.

A gay man: Okay.

Rick: Why are we mad!?

A gay man: I assumed he was gay.

Rick: *nods emphatically*

A gay man: How is he not gay!?

A dead psychiatrist:

How homosexual does that man really look?

Be HONEST.

Lacey: I think he’s handsome!

A dead psychiatrist: Why do you feel the need to say that.

Lacey: I feel like I’m being told otherwise. AND…I adore him. And…people say stuff like that???

A reader: They do.

A dead psychiatrist: But you find him attractive? Helplessly?

Lacey: Yes. I always have.

A dead psychiatrist:

What about here?

Lacey: When I was younger? YES! He’s great!

A dead psychiatrist: He is attractive, Lacey.

Tell us why.

Lacey: That is a bit risqué.

*feels flustered*

Okay.

He’s…very manly.

A dead psychiatrist: Yeah!

He looks big and strong.

Do you find Rock Hudson big and manly?

Lacey: No.

A dead psychiatrist: Yeah.

Why not?

Lacey: He’s too feminine. I’m sorry. He looks gay to me. He always has.

A dead psychiatrist: And he’s not offended. He was almost entirely gay.

*silence*

I don’t think most people alive today have understood how sexually attractive Lem is…TO WOMEN.

*Lacey, rolls her eyes and feels uncomfortable*

Lem: I’m not a cheat.

A dead psychiatrist: Yeah. And she knows that. But not everyone reading this does.

*a moment of pause*

Lacey…would you have waited patiently for Lem to return from World War II…with handsome men like Louis…about?

Lacey: *looks…less than warm*

Is HE being faithful?

I do trust him. But…war is UGLY in that way. And many others, of course.

I would have struggled to trust him. But I would have tried.

I would have desperately tried.

No, I’m not a cheater. But I refuse to be a victim.

Elliott: He’d have stayed in the U.S.. *he laughs* Mother Nature already had his back.

…Even if Lem…was faithful, and he would be…she’d have NEVER been at ease.

Do you miss how MUCH there is of him? He’s HUGE. …How is that not arousing?!

Men like me…to be honest…and others…would have seen a golden opportunity. Set him up. Make him look evil. And then make a move. …I’m actually too good for that sort of behavior. But…a lot of men were not.

A dead psychiatrist: Yeah.

You were tall too, Elliott?

Elliott: YES.

A dead psychiatrist: So, what now?

Because I’m sure many gay men reading this will be offended and upset and resistant.

Princess Anne: *nods*

A dead psychiatrist: There’s nothing we can do about that!

*silence*

*later*

A dead psychiatrist: Lacey, I’m sure you find this man attractive don’t bother lying to me.

Lem is far more attractive to you and you’re in love with him, but we’re being honest.

Is he heterosexual, however?

Lacey: No.

He’s bisexual.

A dead psychiatrist: You’re correct.

You can tell.

I know many or most gay men today tell you that you cannot, but that’s not reasonable thinking. How can you say you can’t? You get it right, every time!

You never miss! You have a few misunderstandings. But they’re SO much less important, because 99% of the time…you’re terrifyingly accurate. And you always seem to correct your mistakes.

Lacey: But I do make mistakes.

A dead psychiatrist: YES. But how often!?

Lacey: Not that often.

A dead psychiatrist: So WHY…do the mistakes…matter MORE? …You’re FAR more likely to be right.

Lacey: I don’t want to get hurt.

A dead psychiatrist: You CANNOT. He’s right here…and he’s madly in love with you. REGARDLESS.

A reader: That’s not Lem!?

God: No! It’s a Nazi who looks like him.

A reader: *laughs*

Why did Jack take Lem to NAZI GERMANY…to be romantic!?

God: Jack was a very troubled man.

A dead psychiatrist: Lacey. You can safely assume he’s straight.

Lacey: I can’t make myself feel that way about it, though.

A dead psychiatrist: You’re right.

Lacey: I try to. But I can’t.

A dead psychiatrist: But he was straight.

Lacey: He was.

I just have so much to lose.

A dead psychiatrist: Fine.

He was straight, however.

*later*

Lacey: I’m worried my kids and I have that parasite.

God: You’ll recover.

Lacey: When does Putin die?

God: Possibly soon? Along with his wife and kids.

They’re potentially totally messing-up.

Maybe his wife made the war far too much about her ego. Her personal opinions.

Lem: Why are you being SO weak?

Putin: *no clear answer*

Lem: Is he on something?

Putin: *no clear answer*

Lem: I think both him and his wife are drunk.

Is he on stimulants?

God: He might be.

Lem: And they’re out rooming around, on atvs?

God: Yeah? Possibly?

Lem: He’s completely psychologically destabilized.

She did this to him!

Princess Maria: He’s out of his mind.

Lem: Ja!

She’s gotten him there. This second wife.

God: They’ve been using her to attack him, and he refuses to see it. And he’s aging.

Lem: He’ll just die!

God: Yes.

He’ll be overtaken by his administration.

And they will actually be far worse. They’re more likely to invade other countries.

Lem: Why did his wife do it!?

God: You know why. She wanted to be popular. In the West.

Mostly people like Jeff Bezos and his wife. The Zuckerberg’s. She wanted them to see her as an equal. And be glamorous.

The West has an uncanny ability to seem cool. She’s been beguiled by it.

…

Lacey and Lem look baffled.

Lem: If I was Emperor of Rome…-

If then when…well…I’d never have worried about that. Who care!?

Lacey: Ja!

Chopsticks it is!

And there’s Russian culture.

North Korea: They do love Western Culture.

Lacey: They have Russia.

Japan: But..it’s not enough.

Lacey: *thinks*

How was she trying to maintain ties to the West?

Japan: By mocking you, like a rich Western New Money brat, behind closed doors. Buying expensive clothes. Eating well, and making jokes about it.

Telling crass jokes. Trying desperately to look cool.

Lacey: And they’re too pathetic to realize that they’re all just weak-ass losers?

Lem: Yes.

Lacey: Where did you all come from? Genetically?

An ancient Chinese man: *laughs*

*makes Lacey smile*

Good question!

I’m filled with despair as well.

Lacey: *Looks sad*

The ancient Chinese man: I think they mostly came from the tropics.

Believe it or not.

Lacey: The TROPICS!?

The ancient Chinese man: Yes.

Lacey: That’s it!!! That’s what I’ve been searching for!

The ancient Chinese man: Well!?

Lacey: They’re…wild tempered.

Very complex.

So!

Why must you mock me!?

Ukraine: I think they think it’s funny.

Lacey: *nods*

*thinks*

Does it make you all feel jolly?

The ancient Chinese man: *clasps his hands in delight*

Lacey: Yes?

One of them: Yes.

It makes us feel…content. And then giddy. And then guilty. And then we have to go at it again.

Lacey: *thinks*

Nothing else suffices?

One of them: *thinks*

No.