Keen to Cross the Pond

Listen to “Leave A Message” by Mary J. Blige.

Imagine Putin, Zelensky, Biden, and several other world leaders, riding around in an atv. In North Dakota.

They drive by Lacey’s first cousin’s 10,000 sq. ft. house.

They listening to Mary J. Blige.

“I love this music!” yells Zelensky, trying to be heard over the wind.

Putin acts cold and tough. Totally nonchalant.

Chris Hayes, of MSNBC, joins them.

He turns the music to “U Should’ve Known Better” by Monica. Begins to sing along with it.

Chris: Okay. Lacey’s not lying. That is a big house.

Putin: My house is FAR bigger! *he sounds insecure*

Chris: *feels confident, because Putin has a bigger house*

Zelensky: You guys, let’s go back to the country club. And fly home?

Chris: No, I’m not done yet!!

Let’s go piss in their yard!!! *he says, excitedly*

*he laughs, a high-pitched, naturally not-straight giggle*

Putin: *joins Chris and drunkenly dances*

Zelensky: YOU TWO SHOULD KISS!

Chris: I am…intrigued, sir!

Putin: *walks, awkwardly and stiffly back to the atv, very irritated*

Chris: Where you going man? Let’s have fun!

Zelensky: The pee party in Saudi Arabia didn’t make him happier.

*he pouts, in sympathy*

Chris: I feel you! It’s a human rights issue?

Zelensky: *shakes his head no* No! My boy just don’t like pee.

He says it’s stinky.

Putin: *Very dryly and stiffly, sits. Prim as can be. Icy cold. Staring straight ahead, in the back seat of the atv.*

Chris: We all grew-up poor. Let’s be honest!

Zelensky and Putin: *look offended*

Chris: Let’s be honest!

We ALL…GREW-UP…POOR.

*Chris turns up, “Real Love” by Mary J. Blige.*

Zelensky and Putin: *look dour and icy cold, both sitting in the back of the atv*

Chris: *starts dancing in his seat, almost twerking, while he lip-synchs*

Putin: *laughs*

You are a good dancer!

I like it!

You get down!

*Putin stands-up and tries to dance in the atv*

Zelensky: *A true Millennial, just sits awkwardly, in silence, watching*

Chris: *not knowing how to react, but not wanting to offend Putin, just stupidly watches him, dumbfounded*

*All three men, are in the atv, in a lovely, perfectly mowed, grassy space at the bottom of a large hill. They stare-up at Lacey’s cousin’s house. It’s a lovely summer day.*

Zelensky: *plays along*

Putin: Let’s go piss!

Come on, Chris!

Let’s go pee on the lawn!

Zelensky: *Waits in the atv*

*yes, Zelensky is wearing all black, as usual*

*Putin, gets out of the atv and drunkenly marches up the lawn with Chris.*

Chris: Where?

Putin: How about we go pee on their house!

*Yes, those are two adult, tall white men.*

God: Let’s clarify that no one has ever really been honest when they’ve seen this photo. She’s shared it many times.

This is a HUGE new house. Completely owned by her family.

Listen to “O Fortuna” by Elgar, as performed by the London Symphony Orchestra.

Putin: It’s a fairly new house.

Chris: Well…they built it ten years ago. So…*he acts totally unimpressed*

Putin: I’m not going to laugh, Chris. I was once a poor man too.

Chris: So was I.

So was I!

Putin: We could build ten thousand homes! Just like this!

*he laughs*

Chris: Yeah! TEN THOUSAND!

Putin: We have THE WHOLE WORLD!

HOW DARE THESE FOOLS…EXIST!

Chris: Yeah!

How dare these fools exist!

Putin and Chris take out their genitals and began to pee.

A neighborhood Karen spots them. Calls the police.

And as the two men, drunkenly roll down the grassy hill, towards Zelensky who waits in an atv…the North Dakota State Police, arrive.

And handcuff the two men.

Zelensky: *watching from the atv, in shock, tries to decide what to do*

*He eventually decides to just…drive back to the country club. And fly back home. Like he had suggested, an hour earlier.*

Lem: Why don’t the police recognize them? Because they just don’t.

Why doesn’t Zelensky get caught?

Because he wasn’t noticed.

You’d be SHOCKED.

…

Listen to “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” as performed by Freddy Martin.

Zelensky rides, silently, back to his home. Coolly. Drinking a gin, iced. On his private plane.

Is he sad? Yes. But he’s used to this.

The song plays.

1:53

And plays.

A Lovely Princess: This is why I’m a Satanist. Stuff like this.

Make sense?

Listen to “Tonight We Love” as performed by Freddy Martin.

It’s HEARTBREAKING.

And so we see Putin and Chris…in jail, now. Calling their lawyers.

It’s all kept hush-hush.

Of course.

Except…that was supposed to mean something.

Listen to “New York, New York” as performed by Frank Sinatra & Tony Bennett.

As loose and “carefree” as men in the 20th century became…things, like written words, were still supposed to symbolize…something. And yet, when Epstein ate babies…literally…that almost completely flew out the window. Almost.

“It depends on what the meaning of the word is is.” said Bill Clinton, in defense. And they ate it up.

It’s a MORONIC argument. But they were too stupid, arrogant and backward…to see through it, and get WORRIED.

He genuinely attacked the English language. And it went right over everyone’s head. He genuinely attacked ALL civilized societal symbols…and it went right over their heads. Because they thought it was “cool and sophisticated” as the New Money American elite.

Of course, Zelensky is riding in style. Don’t forget. With his expensive iced gin. But..not all people are so…shrewd. Like Jim from The Office.

Sometimes New Money was…sublime. …It’s the trouble spots…that are…truly terrifying.

Later, on Putin’s private jet:

Putin: I KICK ASS!

Did you see how scared those people were!?

Chris: YEAH!

*he laughs*

Putin: Where did Joe and Zelensky go?

Chris: Joe fell out. *he shrugs*

Putin: *totally unfazed, but cognizant*

Chris: Zelensky must have gone home!

Putin: Ja!

Say, we really did it!

Chris: Yeah!

We should have raped them!

A reader:

WHAT!? Raped!?

God: Yes.

That’s what they’d say.

Putin: Yeah!

Because-

*he burps*

*farts*

*stretches out his legs*

Because, her family is ANNOYING.

Chris: Yeah.

WE SHOW THEM!

Putin: He’s my buddy.

Friend of my wife.

We peed on their house.

God: Ahh!

So you feel that you should be what? Worshipped?

Putin: No.

I’m not a deity.

Chris: Me neither.

God: Then why should you be mad?

Putin: Because they didn’t get the message!

God: What message?

Putin: We PEED… ON THEIR STUPID HOUSE!

We urinated…ON THEIR HOUSE!

Chris: Our wives are in love with us now. I am SO EXCITED!

*he looks thrilled*

Putin: Yes! They are!

My darling-

*he pulls out photos from his wallet of his gymnast wife in her gym clothes*

She is very nice? Huh?

WOW!

Look!

*he beams with pride*

Chris: *reads the room, to see what people are really thinking, but keeps it entirely to himself*

Putin: SHE IS MY WIFE!

*he laughs, as if he’s stunned*

She married me.

Can you BELIEVE IT? ME!?

Chris: *nods*

God: What’s all this about the lawn?

Chris and Putin: *think*

We peed. On the house.

God: Their big house?

Putin: Yeah.

I guess.

My god…you’re a bitch.

God: Excuse me!?

Putin: That’s a PEASANT HOUSE!!

I WOULD NEVER LIVE THERE!

Chris: Yeah!

I would never live there, either!

Putin: We are better men.

God: I’m not going to argue.

What exactly, is this peeing business. Because I know you both, and I know you won’t forget about that.

Putin: I’m going to pee on it again!

God: Now?

Putin: No, obviously not now. You dummy!

God: Okay.

How are we supposed to interpret this then?

Putin: I am declaring war on that whole family.

I will sue them.

Using Joe Biden!

God: You’re declaring WAR on her family?

Putin: YES! On behalf of my wife’s vagina.

Chris: *looks worried*

So you want to sue the Nesheims on behalf of your wife’s vagina?

His wife: *clasps her hands together, clapping excitedly, and jumps up and down, giddy*

Chris: *suddenly, dizzy and nauseous, bends over and vomits*

Putin: I WILL WIN!

I WILL WIN!!

YOU WILL SEE!

I will nuclear weapon explode-

I will blow-up THE HOUSE.

Satan: It wasn’t enough to pee on it?

Listen to “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit it” by Will Smith.

Putin: *tries to laugh it all off*

Chris: *vomits, again*

Putin: MY WIFE’S VAGINA…IS ANGRY!!

Alina! THE GREAT ALINA!!

*he dances*

ALINA KABAEVA!!!

DID YOU HEAR THAT!?

She is a KABAEVA!!

You never heard of the great KABAEVA DYNASTY!?

Chris: *vomits*

God: That sounds like a dynasty of retarded people. I’m not going to lie.

The KABAEVA Dynasty!?

To a well-educated, OXFORD trained ear…that sounds like a mentally challenged dynasty. No cap.

Putin: I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!

I will MAKE THE KABAEVA DYNASTY RULE THE WORLD!!

Listen to “Ghosts of a Future Lost” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.

Alina: Don’t read this blog. It’s stupid.

Lem: Casi, let’s try to explain.

This should be Lacey’s house. If she fit into your…expectations for how the world is run.

Please try to understand that.

Can you?

Casi: Yes!

Lem: That’s really Lacey’s house.

Is everyone clear?

Casi: Yes.

Lem: She owns the whole house…NO MORTGAGE…when she joins the perfume community.

Casi: So if she’d been “following the rules” they’re living there with no mortgage in their early 30’s?

Lem: Yes!

Lacey’s neighbor: That’s a nice house!

Lem: Yes!

*they all think*

Casi: I’m strangely losing all interest in her.

*she laughs*

I’m getting bored.

*they all think*

Casi: Nice house!

Lacey:

Lem: Lacey can’t respond right now. It ruins this experiment.

Alisha: Yeah! That’s a nice house!

A Catholic: She doesn’t go to our school.

Lem: Correct.

Another Catholic: Does she go to another Catholic school?

Lem: No. We send her to Minehaha Academy.

Casi: *nods*

A Catholic: Well, at least that’s a Christian school.

Lem: True!

A perfume collector: What perfume does she own?

Lem: Evening in Paris. That’s her first post.

A perfume collector: How mundane.

Lem: *shrugs and smiles*

Casi: What’s next?

Lem: We let that be her only post for a month. Just to see what people are thinking.

…

People are nice and kind and very interested.

This was back in 2014.

Her next post is Chanel No. 22. A vintage Eau de Parfum from 1950’s America.

Mira: *laughs at Lacey*

She’s so annoying.

Casi: *freaks-out*

*stays silent*

*just begins to observe*

*crickets chirp*

Lem: We post another Chanel. Chanel No. 5. A parfum de toilette from the 1980’s.

We really take time with this photo. I help her make it look cool.

I’m not gay, but I know how to make things happen.

Jan: You are starting to really annoy me.

It’s like, “WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?”

Tutankhamen: Lacey-

*he cracks-up-laughing*

Lacey was trying to be fun, and have fun.

She told you all, “I AM JUST STANDING BY THE NILE…TO FISH.

Do not worry about it!

Do not even think of it for a second!”

And you all started to assume she was a literal mud creature.

Lacey: *laughs*

Lem: She is actually Tutankhamen’s sister, in this analogy. And she’s fooling you all into thinking she’s just…- *he shrugs*

Alisha: I’ll play with his sister!

Lacey: I used to fall for that.

At 30 I knew better.

No, you actually hate me.

Alisha: Yeah, okay.

A reader: Putin, why did you stab her in the back?

Lem: He was inspired by evil.

See, I was supposed to betray her. I didn’t, but it looks like I did.

Barney Frank: Yeah. If there’s reincarnation her first buddies were gay men.

They saw her down by the fishing spot…and automatically knew she was faking it. *he laughs* Just like them!

Hey! A friend! Someone to go practice eye-makeup with while all the other kids were fishing.

*he laughs*

A reader: So you kids don’t fish!?

Barney Frank: *looks caught*

No…ah…we just-

Lacey: We like…to…experiment with the darkness!

*she says, almost as if they’re mystics*

Barney Frank: *holds up a kohl cup*

Lacey: It’s BLACK…as night.

Barney Frank: WE ARE STUDYING UNDER MOSES.

Lacey: *nods*

The reader, pretending to be an ancient Egyptian adult: Alright.

But you two need to learn to fish!

Barney: Oh! We will!

Lacey: Don’t worry!

A moment later they go back to finding ways to make Barney’s eyes look more…angular. Using the dark powder mixed with water. And a small brush.

Another reader: Does he come on to her?

Barney Frank: NO!

*he laughs*

God: He’s not an innocent man. But in this scenario, he’s just her friend.

Lem: So!

Let’s get back to the Chanel.

After she posts Chanel No. 5, then what?

A reader: Does Barney Frank have a crush on Tutankhamen?

God: In this scenario? Yes.

But Tutankhamen is mostly straight.

Let’s move on.

What does the perfume community do after she posts Chanel No. 5.

Another reader: Why did Putin betray her?

Tutankhamen: Because she’s just my sister.

It’s impressive. Sure!

But…he decided it wasn’t worth it.

Especially since I’m dead.

He is impressed, on a personal level. But…an old brick house worth $2 million with no mortgage and a brother who’s Tutankhamen seems more like an American kids television show from the 1990’s to him…than…something to take seriously.

It’s not. But…he was fooled.

He’s after…SUCCESS.

*all the ghosts listen to Lacey’s kids singing, in another room*

He never seems to quite get it. It’s REAL.

She was just…trying not to cry, listening to them. But that doesn’t mean she disappeared. And all is solved.

*they start playing at a dancing competition game*

Jan: Lacey’s kids sound gay.

God: They are not.

Jan: *he laughs*

God: And that’s why it is real.

This isn’t a game, Alexei.

Tutankhamen is right. You want results!

A reader: So why did he betray her?

Tutankhamen: Because…we aren’t famous…LIVING…billionaires. With our own country.

He wants a job. Not a story.

Putin: YES!

Tutankhamen: I completely understand.

So does Lacey, though.

This whole conversation about him started because apparently, on a personal level is making deals with the US where she gets put into prison or has to fight in a court case to defend her blog. That’s his stipulation, not theirs. 

He’s trying to destroy the First Amendment, essentially. 

They hate her because they’re jealous dogs, and they have far worse stipulations, but that was his comeback.

They’re not taking it seriously; they’re acting like childish, drunken pieces of shit.

Zelensky: *nods in agreement*

Tutankhamen: I am REPULSED!

He used to stand-up for her, and me both. He used to stand-up for children being sold. He used to stand-up for a lot of righteousness. But within the last year or two, he has started to make far too many concessions.

And it broke Barney Frank’s heart actually, because he realized that she had been deeply betrayed.

He does it primarily because he’s been narcissistically wounded by her and he’s too backward and foolish and stupid to recover. He has made an ass of himself countless times on Russian national television. But he is the best choice that Russians have and so they put up with him.

His wife worships him. And she hates Lacey because Lacey is infinitely more sexy and intelligent than she is. And even though Putin merely astral projected himself to seduce Lacey it was thrilling to him, because she’s quite a catch. 

His wife is very easily made jealous because he’s a cheating dog, but so is she.

Lacey would hasten to add that they both really do love each other. They’re just absolutely pathetic people.

Lem: Why didn’t he understand? She’s not usual trash!

Tutankhamen: Because he’s-

He did understand! But he’s not thinking well.

And I’m going to have to try to fight to say this through my sister, because it’s hard to say.

Putin, you need to grow-up and realize that Lacey‘s not your fuck buddy. Whatever happened in Red Wing was fascinating and she’s tried to explore it on this blog and explain it to people, but that was just her trying to work with a very bizarre situation.

*a short time passes*

Russia: He says he’s hurt.

Tutankhamen: What in hell are you looking for?

Putin: I am a very big deal!

Tutankhamen: Okay…and you want her to act like a peasant who’s impressed by you and doesn’t understand her own human rights? 

Putin: YES! Duh!

*he laughs*

A famous American journalist: Yes!

Fine, I’m not as wealthy as her or anyone in her family, but I am worth about $5 million and I have my own television show or did on Fox News!

Millions of people watch me on television so I can kick it with a man like Putin and it’s not weird. None!

Tutankhamen: Okay…but you’re not worried about the billions and oil that I am in control of through my sister?

Iran: No.

Tutankhamen: Okay! WOW!

Iran: Did I just accidentally annihilate myself?

Akhenaten: YES! If I want to.

Iran: I DO NOT BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION!

China: *watches anxiously*

God: You fools have started a pandemic and World War III and you’re still challenging the authority of ancient Egypt and the Roman Empire?

Iran: But what does that have to do with anything?

You keep acting like we’re doing something.

This stuff is just coincidental, in the last 10 years? It’s just how it’s all happened! Okay! In the last 10 years? Nah! It has nothing to do with reincarnation because that’s impossible stuff.

It’s not in the Koran. It’s impossible!

A Muslim from India: Not…necessarily…

Iran: I WORSHIP ALLAH! YOU ARE NOT A REAL MUSLIM MALE.

BOW DOWN BEFORE ALLAH!

A Muslim man from India: I don’t have to accept that.

You’re WEIRD.

Iran: *gets flustered*

NO!

You BOW DOWN!!

*the man in India ignores him*

God: Now, when LACEY has that SAME reaction…you VIOLENTLY insist she’s LYING.

You all violently insist, instantly, that as “The Illuminati” you have A RIGHT to demand she do whatever you say. Or ELSE.

She’s never fallen for it. But you CANNOT let it go.

Maria B.: *stunned and scared*

Why are you insisting that!?

God: They genuinely think it’s their right.