Lacey might be going to the doctor later. A horrible cold, almost as bad if not worse than Covid refuses to leave. About 8 days ago Lacey got sick. She still struggles to sleep at night. That’s not quite right.
“You should have just gone before.” says an actress in the Illuminati.
And why is Lacey posting? Because they’ve been attacking her with demons. Hardcore. Since the last post.
“I cannot believe you thought I was serious about being nice to you. That’s not how this works. Okay?!” yells Mr. Blue like he’s a warden in a jail and she’s losing her mind with fear of him. He acts super superior.
“Mr. Blue, seriously, shut-up.” says an actor trying to sound so cool. It’s his persona.
“Why? So you can sacrifice me easier?!” Lacey asks.
“Oh! How cute. You’re all tough like your badass gangster dad? I’m impressed.” says an evil witch like a mean girl to Lacey.
“No. I really am that tough. Sorry, man!” says Lacey I response. “I hate to break it to you guys…but even nice guys have limits. …You’ve seen the movies? Pick one.” says Lacey.
“Hey! Don’t try to be funny! …We’re being serious!” says Mr. Blue, without intended irony.
“Oh wow! …Like…you guys are the Illuminati?! …Do you guys have superpowers?!” Lacey asks trying to sound aghast.
“Yeah. …We’re the Illuminati.” says an actor in his 60’s without humor. “I’d like to see you get AIDS. Like Lem could have. …I have AIDS. …Do you think it’s a joke?!” he asks threateningly, trying to lay a guilt trip on her for being strong mentally and well at all.
Mr. Blue laughs. He feels so supported and vindicated.
Lacey coughs up puss. Earlier she coughed up puss and a hair from her mink she must have breathed into her lungs a week ago.
“That’s…mildly interesting.” say a few Illuminati members who have been attacking her.
“Really? You guys find that fascinating? Huh. Tell me more. Let’s be friends.” says Lacey.
“You are evil! And hatable. And people only think you’re schizophrenic. Even if you’re not.” says an aging actress.
“Oh wow. That’s epic.” says Lacey. “So, did Mr. Blue tell you? I’ve decided to become a lesbian.” says Lacey to They.
They look at her. They grow silent.
“What?” asks one of them.
“Yeah, I was wearing Flower Bomb last night and it just clicked.” she says.
An English singer laughs. It sounds vaguely sincere. Lacey sincerely laughs with him to be polite, just a little.
They disperse. Mr. Blue remains.
“That’s not funny!” says an ‘openly gay actor’ to Lacey.
“Yeah. I’m gonna start wearing a leather jacket. Prolly be happy now. Admit I’m sexually inferior to all Millennials.” says Lacey to Mr. Blue. “Like…all those Millennial women who insist I was attracted to them? Yeah. I’m totally inferior. They were right.”
He blinks. He sighs, trying to act chill. Unimpressed.
“Why are you even trying to take her seriously at all. She’s a peasant from the slums at heart.” says the living Native American woman to the They.
“Goo gack googoo.” says Lacey. “I am gross idiot who hates.” She turns to the Native American woman. “You’re sooo hot.”
The Native American woman looks flustered and possibly aroused.
“Nevermind! Ewww!” says Lacey to the Native American woman. “You’ll just get clingy.”
“No she won’t.” says Mr. Blue.
“She’s still straight and my girlfriend.” says Louis Hill Jr. in a stereotypically retarded manner.
“Yeah, whatever Louis. That’s not what you said last Thursday.” says Lacey acting confrontational.
The They look intrigued. Can they cognitively help it?
“What?” asks one of them of Louis.
“Don’t ask!” says Louis, upset. He shakes his head back and forth in disbelief.
“You said that them damn trains gotta run. You said that them damn trains gotta run or else. …You said, that they gotta make the money. Or the company will go broke.” says Lacey to Louis.
“What’s that gotta do with last Thursday?!” he asks incredulously, half smiling. He throws his hands up in the air.
“Last Thursday…you told me your hands were tied. You said, ‘Listen, don’t take it personally when I fuck my wife.’” Lacey shrugs. “‘I gotta go get the trains running.’” Lacey blows her nose.
The They look mildly uncomfortable. Mr. Blue has a personality disorder. And…they…are just too swamped. Too swamped by other powerful people with personality disorders in the Illuminati or too restrained by internal power structures they hesitate to destroy or violate to ever truly deal with it, it seems.
Louis looks extremely quiet.
“Nevermind. I’m a lesbian now anyway.” says Lacey.
“And I’m OBVIOUSLY GAY.” says Lem.
Lacey laughs. “He made me cum before I tried to fall asleep. In our house in Heaven. …And then he came too. And we’re in love. But…he’s gay and I’m a flamming-idiot-lesbian.” says Lacey.
“And I’m GAY.” says Lem. “SOO GAY.”
“See. Think about what you’re saying.” says Louis, as if revealing something genuinely helpful. “Just pause and reflect for a second.” He pauses. He clears his throat. “You’re not accomplishing anything every time you two lose yourselves passionately to each other.”
Lacey’s face drops.
“Louis. I’m not like you. I wasn’t raised that way.” says Lem.
Louis laughs/scoffs as Mr. Blue possibly laughs/scoffs. Shakes his head.
“Louis, I’m not a hard worker like you. Don’t-“ Lacey grows anxious.
He looks to be taking pity on her. “Yeah, see…I’m not a child prostitute. But…I’ve made a decision to ruin my eternity by letting my sex still not mean anything. Not even jack shit.“. He thinks. “It’s a difficult choice. But as an avowed atheist in Purgatory…I’ve decided it’s just smart.”
“So you sleep with your wife, and she sleeps with other men. And they sleep with each other-“ starts off Lacey.
He cuts her off by almost violently nodding his head.
“And then they sleep with their wives. And then they sleep with your wife.” Lacey says. “And then what?”
“And then…I sleep with her again.” he says.
Lem nods in understanding. It’s beginning to make sense to him?
Lacey smiles. “You know…Louis you’re a real swell guy.” she says, acting impressed.
“Yup. And then they sleep with each other one last time.” he says. “In blue sheets. 450 thread count. Always.” He covers his mouth with his hand to cover an evil smirk.
Lem shakes his head in disbelief, laughing.
“And then the train companies move the trains.” says Lacey acting overwhelmingly impressed.
He looks down thoughtfully. Takes a deep sigh.
“It’s the rules.” he says with humility and reverence.
Lacey nods her head demonstratively. “Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard about the blue sheets sex triangle.” She looks fascinated. “But doesn’t it have to be a sort of pastel blue?”
He laughs. “We’ve been using cobalt.” He shrugs.
“Huh. And that still works.” says Lacey as if in growing irritation. She blows her nose on her shirt.
“Do your sinuses hurt?” he asks her.
“Yes. Worse than before.” says Lacey.
He nods his head in understanding.
“So…you use your sexuality to make a difference. That’s inspirational, man.” says Lem.
Louis shrugs. “Those trains gotta run!”
“Or what happens?” asks Lacey slowly as if in a fog of stupidity suddenly.
“Mr. Blue why did you ruin her home’s air quality and turn make her whole family sick?!” asks a reader. “And don’t tell me the kids caught it at school or she just came up with the idea to use whatever chemical ruined her home’s livability a month or so ago. In the dead of winter. …You people are bizarrely obsessed with her.”
A train whistle toots. The sound of train wheels on a track is heard.
“Her-She’s making-It’s not that serious. Lighten-up.” Mr. Blue says seriously and with a tone of elite-condescension. “What can you do anyway? Start some ill planned revolt? You peasants are idiots.” He scoffs. “I just act nice for the fans. In truth, I’m not one of you. You’ll never understand how to fight a war, or run a company, or do any elite occupation.” He looks smug and angry. “It’s not as easy as you idiots make it! …You think you can just overturn us? You can’t. You may or may not be dumber than we are.” He thinks. “Go get your own blockbuster film and then call me!”
“I don’t really want to.” says a middle-class American woman.
Mr. Blue scoffs. He scoffs an enormous amount. He cannot stand that woman now. He hates Lacey in particular but people like that woman also really, really make him mad.
“Do you just feel like you do so much for us?” asks the woman of Mr. Blue.
“No. It’s not that. I’m just such a big deal. SUCH a big deal. I’m sooo famous.” He sighs. “And it’s weird that you don’t get that. Like…that’s more than enough explanation for all of this. And why don’t you get it?! …It’s because you’re not famous. Or rich. You’re a loser. A total piece of shit compared to me.”
Lacey looks bored. “Sorry, it’s just I can’t breath out of one nostril and my sinuses are aching.” She thinks. “Louis…why do the trains have to run?”
He looks down. “It’s a sacred thing. Money.”
“Sacred to whom? Baal? Ballumi? Beezleinbub? Brookstonshire? Or Baltimore?” asks Lacey.
“Oh! Baltimore.” says Lem, clapping his hands like an excited person of lesser intelligence. “Oh goody!”
“It’s an ancient god of air and wildfire from the land of Kenupka. Northern coast of Australia. 1200’s.” says Louis. He shrugs.
“Yeah, he doesn’t mean Baltimore, Maryland.” says Lacey turning to Lem.
“Oh, okay.” he says quietly. He makes a very convincing gay face. Blinks his eyes wide.
“This is all starting to make sense!” Mr. Blue thinks to himself silently. He tries to restrain himself from laughing in their faces. He prides himself on lacking conceit in his self-perceived mastery of life.
“So! We were worshiping Baal and I said, ‘Hey Baal are you god?’” laughs Louis.
“Yeah?! Tell us more.” says Lem smiling giddy and gay and filled with undeniable glee.
Mr. Blue slightly scoffs. He sees these people as amateurs. Arrogant simpletons from a far simpler time. But he restrains himself to be kind.
“So I says, I says, ‘Hey Baal. Are you god?!’” says Louis.
Lem laughs, nods his head pleadingly for more of the story.
“And Baal says, ‘Hey!’” says Louis.
“And then what?!” asks Lacey.
“And then he says, ‘I’m god.’” says Louis.
“Wow!! He said that?!” says Lacey.
“Yeah. He was kind of cold after that.” says Louis. “I like talking to Jesus better.” He thinks, “He’s a lot more friendly.”
“But Baal is god?!” asks Lacey.
“Yeah! I mean he said so!” says Louis.
“Why couldn’t Baal have been having a bad day? Or been under the weather? Or been sad about something deep?” says Lem thoughtfully.
“Gee you’re kind.” Lacey says to Lem.
“Yeah, it’s easy to see why you loved Jack. He’s a lot like Baal in temperament.” says Louis, carefully.
“Or was. He’s getting more honest and sanctified over time or he’s in Hell. Or when he died he automatically changed into someone very different than the man I knew.” says Lem. He looks hurt and offended.
“I wonder, does Satan get along with Baal?” wonders Lacey.
“No. Baal is not a fan.” says Louis.
“But…I thought they got along.” says Lem.
“No. Some people at the meeting wondered if Baal never existed and if a demon was just pretending to be Baal. Because he said he hated Hell, but he refused to say where he was.” says Louis.
“Well, that’s too bad! Maybe they’ll come around.” says Lacey.
Mr. Blue nods in agreement with Lacey’s last statement, without intended humor.
“So Baal demands money.” says Louis. “And so the trains gotta run!”
Lem nods fervently in sympathy.
“What happens she’s all the world dies, pretty much?” asks Lacey.
“Oh! Baal isn’t worried about that. He’s just about happiness and our personal salvation from being bored and confused.” says Louis. “So…I don’t have to be poor. Ever again.”
“Or care that you were never poor.” says Lem.
“No, you can’t argue with money, money, money-money.” says Louis. “It’s so much more than just being rich. Or upper-class. It’s…” He blinks. Looks confused.
“Hey Louis! Are you okay?” asks Lacey.
Mr. Blue feels great empathy for this narrative. He looks almost genuinely concerned about Louis.
“I’m just feeling so blasé today.” he says, with a look of tasting something weird in his mouth.
“You should go talk to Baal.” says Lem.
“Not until I fuck my wife 15 more times by next Thursday. Those trains gotta run!!!” he says looking exhausted.
“You two are such patriots.” Lacey says to him.
“So you fuck your wife 15 times and then the trains run…and then you get the money and then Baal will care that you’re bored?” asks Lem. “Why not just give-up and accept that we’re in Purgatory or Heaven?”
“Because that’s weak!” says Louis.
“Could Baal heal my sinuses?!” asks Lacey.
Louis looks at her appalled. “No! He’s not like that. Or he’d expect you to pay-up with your children later.”
“Why her children? They might be mine too.” says Lem.
“Don’t get offended!” says Louis. “I don’t have time right now to make love to my wife. We’ve just got to fuck.”
“So the trains can run.” says Lacey acting aghast at their conceit.
“It’s okay. I just want her. And when I look into her eyes I feel overwhelmed by a desire to make love to her.” says Lem. “But as an avowed, openly and definitively gay man I get it.”
“How so? Gay men don’t usually like ‘homo-flips.’” says Louis.
“They like gay sex always.” says Lem sadly.
“Lem, yes. You can talk to Baal about it in two weeks.” says Louis, kind but annoyed.
“Do they have to ever want gay sex?” he asks, pushing his glasses up his nose.
“Baal says that you love gay sex. He says he’s seen you.” says Louis.
Lem looks thoughtful. “See this is why I don’t talk about it as a rule. I just get so… When did Baal see me?!” he asks.
Mr. Blue looks condescendingly at Kem, decides to interrupt. He walks up to their table.
“Look, he’s not gay. He’s bisexual.” I lied about it.
“Who are you?!” Louis asks Mr. Blue.
“I’m Mr. Blue.” he extends his hand to shake Louis’.
“I don’t know why you care. Do you work for the trains?” asks Louis.
“I work for the-famous-people-makers.” he says. “I’m famous.”
“Oh! Can you go jump in front of a moving train to help make it move faster? We’ve got money to make. Talk to Baal. He’s going to explain in two weeks. Say!” He raises his hand. “Wait for two weeks and then go jump in front of train to make it move faster. Being so brilliant and wise as you are, given your credentials unequivocally prove that, I’m sure you’ll understand.”
“You’re mean.” Mr. Blue scoffs.
“Baal is my hero! Can you tell?!” says Louis coyly.
“I’m not-I don’t worship-Don’t harass me.” he says angrily.
“I’m gay! So gay in every way!!” says Lem grinning.
“And I’m a butch lesbian.” says Lacey matter-of-factly. “But I’m worried I’m pregnant with his baby.”
“It happens. When you’re gay.” says Lem in a rather good gay lisp impersonation.
“Are you actually gay?” asks Mr. Blue in seeming compassion.
“I don’t ever talk about it!” he says in a huff.
“And I’m too much of lesbian to understand anything.” says Lacey.
“Why are you two having sex?” asks Mr. Blue.
“I don’t know, kiddo.” Lem says, rolling his eyes in a gay way. “Doesn’t everyone but stupid nuns have sex?” He crosses his legs effeminately and loudly chews his gum, open-mouthed.
Mr. Blue stares at him. “You’re too smart.”
“At least I’m not straight and in love with a woman.” he says seriously.
“I doubt that!” says Mr. Blue.
“Who are you in love with?” asks Lacey.
“I don’t know. He’s the one saying I am.” he says trying to seem even more gay to be beloved as gay.
“It’s okay, buddy. I’ll fix it up with Baal in two weeks.” Louis says to Lem.
“You better. I have to find a new sex position to use with Lacey. The Illuminati sees us spiritually and they’re getting bored.” he says.
“How about up her ass?” asks Mr. Blue.
“Up her ass?!” asks Lem. “That’s disturbing. I prefer putting my penis in a vagina, only hers.” He’s trying even harder to sound gay.
“Well, you’ll think of something.” says Mr. Blue.
“Say, what can you do to make the trains run faster?” asks Lem.
“Does it matter if they stay on the track?” asks Mr. Blue.
“No. Not at all.” says Lem suddenly sounding straight.
“Say, Jack should put you in charge of train safety. Have him work his charm on Baal in two weeks.” says Louis.
“That’s a swell idea.” says Lem.
“Why is Jack in charge?” asks Lacey.
“Because he just is.” says Lem.
“Well…good luck with your unwanted pregnancy.” Mr. Blue says.
“No, I want his children, I think. I’m just shocked and confused because everyone insists on gay and so is he. And I’ve said I’m not and he refuses to talk about it.” says Lacey.
“I may have said I was gay in privacy to a child. In a way that sounded sincere. But…I refused to go on. Because I was an adult and there was no need to. But…I think Baal is the one you should really ask. Right?” Lem says.
“In two weeks.” says Louis.
“Can you explain to Baal why you’re gay?” asks Mr. Blue.
“He already knows. He insists he is. He also insists I fuck my wife. Incessantly. And you should be eaten alive. And Biden should win four more terms. He suggests you channel Biden like you’re channeling us right now.” says Louis.
Mr. Blue looks worried.
…
“Many of thee above stated things were not so simple as to make it impossible for you to misunderstand the tone and implied meaning. Please be aware. Sarcasm is a useful word to use as a tool to help you learn how to read the text above to understand what the author likely said.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.
…
Keen to Cross the Pond 