Professors

I’m about to rewatch Woody Allen’s “An Irrational Man.”

You know…I fell in love with an unmarried philosophy professor in college. It was a huge mistake. I think he probably felt something for me too but he didn’t care, didn’t think it through or was waiting for me to throw myself at him. And I did not throw myself at him.

I did write him a heartfelt love letter. But he lied in response most likely and said that he simply didn’t “assess students” at all, appreciated that I “took myself so seriously” but added that if I wanted to come visit him in his office that that’d be great. We exchanged messages back and forth for a while until I (believing him) said that while he likely didn’t mean any harm or even realize it he shouldn’t interact with his female students the way he did or they might get the wrong idea. …There was one other female student who was very pretty and sweet who he also “gave the wrong impression to.” I talked with her later and both of us felt confused by him in a painfully similar way.

No…my experience with falling for a professor was a sad, heartbreaking version of “An Irrational Man” although my professor never outright tried to kill me or anyone else. He did hurt the other young lady too though… Actually, there were probably many other young ladies. He probably loved the attention. He most likely was an obnoxious man at the very least. Pretending to be so innocent, knowing and wise when he was possibly more selfish coward and weak-willed cad than truly deep person.

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Maybe I’m being too harsh.

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After he stopped responding to my messages I completely ignored him. When I walked by him in the hallway I’d act like I had no idea who he was. And it went on like that for a while.

At one point I was around him with my first serious boyfriend and I, of course, assumed he wouldn’t care. But later he randomly brought his girlfriend to my campus workplace for seemingly no reason, marching her dramatically around my desk. I tried to ignore that as well, but it felt odd… A while later I felt bad for ignoring him for some reason I strangely don’t recall and so I acknowledged him once when he came into my workplace. He seemed so relieved. Happy and relieved. Relieved. And I still can’t figure that one out. But I was happy for him that he felt so…relieved? Did he think I was finally over him? Did he think I was ignoring him before that because I still had feelings for him? Oh goodness… How sad. *laugh* No, I ignored him because I thought that that’s what he really wanted. Getting over him was totally unrelated. I metaphorically ripped my own heart out and disposed of my feelings for him as quickly as possible. Entirely. I would never even date that man today if if he pursued me. I wish him well but that’s all I’ll likely ever feel for him for eternity. Based on my experience, I have a great ability to truly get over people. It often baffles me that seemingly more people can’t do that…

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Unless you’re hiding from an evil cop don’t lie.