Red, White & Blue

Concertone for 2 Violins and Orchestra in C, K. 190 starts playing.

“Purple is such a pretty color.” says Betty White.

“It sure is!” says Red Fay.

“Boy!” says Mr. Blue. Mrs. Blue looks uncomfortable.

*laughter of the audience*

“So anyway…we’re at this live broadcast spanning between two realms today to celebrate the great colors we have stood for.” says Betty White.

“Isn’t it night?” asks Lacey of Betty White.

“Where are you at?” she asks Lacey.

“I’m in Minnesota.” says Lacey.

“Gee whiz Lacey, I’m in Minnesota too.” says Betty.

“Hmm. I wonder what that means about God.” says Lacey.

“Read your Bible!” says Betty White.

“But Betty, the Bible isn’t clear on what Heaven is like. The Protestants and Catholics have been debating it for years.” says Lacey.

“It is in there though.” says Betty.

“So is there Hell?” Lacey asks her.

“Yes.” she says.

They wonder what to do.

The dead Pope nods his head that yes, there is Hell.

A Michelle Obama decides to talk. “Hey guys!” she says.

“Hey, Mrs. Obama!” says Lacey.

“You should all repent and pray to Jesus for salvation.” says a ghost of someone who fought in the literal Crusades. They laugh. “No, really. We took it so seriously for a reason. Please try to pray.”

Boccherini’s String Quintet E, Op. 13, No. 5 plays.

“Pedophilia destroyed the United States of America.” states Lacey.

“It did destroy it.” Betty White states clearly and succinctly.

“Well…I worry homosexuality also contributed to its destruction. But that’s two consenting adults. Isn’t that at least less evil?” asks Lacey. “God, what is the true interpretation of that?”

“It’s still wrong.” says Betty White.

“And on that note, I’d like to apologize to Lem Billings if he wasn’t a true homosexual. As in, he didn’t really want men ever.” says Red Fay.

“Are we sure there’s an Illuminati?” asks a Jeffree?

“Are you being controlled and beaten-up, yet?” asks Lacey.

He looks rough.

“And that’s a huge mess to try to explain.” says Lacey. “It’s the Illuminati in the US. That I know of. Who cause the real problems. Have you ever tried to talk to other countries around the world?”

He smiles.

“You seem nice. Thank you.” says Lacey.

“So anyway, if you were on a plane crashing into the ocean would you rather be blown-up first? If you knew you were going to die… Or would you rather just crash into the ocean? Serious question.” says Betty White.

“I’d rather be blown-up. I think. Would that be a less scary death?” asks Lacey.

“It is.“ says Joe Kennedy Jr.. He did die that way.


“Say, you guys are psychotic for how you’ve treated Lacey.” says Joe Kennedy Jr.. “Be sure to repent.”

“Well…of other sins too.” says Lacey.

“Stop trying to shut Lacey up.” says Lem to the strangling force of the American Illuminati.

“The world might better off without the US.” says Queen Elizabeth II. “I can say that freely now. It’s lovely!”

“I’m dead!” says Louis Hill Jr.. “If I was any good when I was alive I’m incapable of helping Satan now that I’m dead. And frankly I’m not sure, I ever wanted to help the Devil.”

“It’s possibly too late.” says Lacey. “But people should either get used to this thanks to the evil we’ve tolerated too long, or we’ll be blown-up…or we’ll see.”

“By who?” asks the Loudest Perfume Hater.

“By the entire world almost.” says Lacey.

She thinks back to a party she went to once years ago. In her late 20’s. A man had married a political science professor. …And the political science professor and him had moved to the Middle East. And she was very popular. And he insisted to Lacey that they loved him there. He insisted that they loved Americans.

“No! They don’t!” said Lacey. This was in 2010. …This was post 9/11.

“Yes! They do!! I lived there!!!” he abusively, presumptuously brow-beat Lacey.

She was baffled. How could a man who lived there…miss their animosity towards his country?

“Okay, but it’s always been my impression that they hate us. Are you sure they were being honest with you?” she likely literally asked him in fear.

He most likely acted like she was either crazy or an idiot or evil.

“I love Minnesota though.” says Lacey to Betty White.

“It’s beautiful.” says Betty White.

“You’re trying to prepare the US for death.” says the Loudest Perfume Hater menacingly.

“Stop making me regret empathizing with your possible future in Hell.” says Lacey.

“See the problem is…if she’s with Michael for eternity…as his own…you kidnapped my daughter.” says Nelson Rockefeller to the Illuminati.

“And I had to possibly perform a supernatural surgery on her brain over a year ago when she fell down the stairs and was seriously injured. And if she’s my daughter for eternity can you imagine how I feel about that? Watching Lem from the grave and now this?!” asks Mr. Billings, Lem Billing’s father.

“No, I think you guys need to just leave her alone. What’s wrong with you all?” asks a Fern Smith of the Illuminati from beyond the grave.

“This isn’t the end of the US? Is it?” asks a Liza Minnelli.

“Liza do you understand?” asks Lem Billings. “I’m not gay. Sweetheart, I’m not gay. And that doesn’t mean I’m coming on to you in saying that, to clarify.”

“Are you a homosexual?” Liza asks Lem.

“No. I’m not. And I wonder why you’re asking. What do you want from us?” asks Lem Billings.

“Why are we talking to Liza Minnelli?” asks Red Fay.

“Because it was supposed to be a thoughtful, hopeful post about God, humor and hope but it’s gone to shreds.” says Lacey. “You know…Mr. Blue is our problem. He didn’t show-up for the broadcast to do his job. Does he have problems with being an irresponsible employee?” asks Lacey.

“You kidnapped my daughter.” says Nelson Rockefeller to the Illuminati. Liza Minnelli treats it like Lacey is the Devil Himself.

“You’re not channeling people who are gay!!!!” she shrieks at Lacey.

“You mean you’re not believing I’m talking to Lem Billings because you insist he’s gay?” asks Lacey. “I’ve asked respectfully many times if anyone had any real evidence Lem was gay and not just Jack’s victim. But it seems you don’t have any. Do you actually have evidence he was gay, Liza Minnelli?”

She tries to point to a photo of him looking straight.

“Well, that was fun!” says Betty White.

Gangster’s Paradise by Coolio plays.

“The problem is they don’t want to stop attacking me and they refuse to kill those responsible for my attack. They’re scared. And incapable of that sort of thought.” says Lacey. She dances to the song by Coolio.

Betty White joins her. The way she dances to it makes sense to Betty White.

“Why did they do that?!” someone asks of the Kennedy’s in relation to Lem.

The American Illuminati freaks out and tries to conjure crap to feel innocent.

“Did Taylor Swift try to channel you but she ended-up insulting you?” they ask Lacey.

“Possibly. The thing is…it’s all about her or them. It’s not about me.” says Lacey.

“Do they know that?!” asks a Perfume Hayer.

“I control what God can tell her because I can’t stand she doesn’t find me and my wife overwhelmingly attractive. I pretend to be nice. But I’m a sick sociopath.” Mr. Blue says.

Betty White cracks-up laughing.

“The thing is it’s a problem of nuclear fallout. Hey, Mr. Blue…do you have any ideas on what the world could do to destroy the US to end your stranglehold or no?” Lacey asks Mr. Blue.

“Mr. Blue do you really control her interactions with God?” asks Betty White. “By the way, did we ever meet or do you know some of us but not most of us?”

They by Jem plays.

“Is the They in They real or not?” asks Lacey.


“I worry if you’re going to Hell if the world decides nuclear fallout is worth getting rid of us…that you think the They is us?” Lacey asks the group she calls They in the Illuminati.

“You do realize you’re all a bunch of Communist Fascists. You control our perception of God in people’s hearts. You’re psychologically violent people.” says Lacey to the American They. “Unless people rebel against you you try to relentlessly control their lives.”

“Nelson Rockefeller?” asks an American Illuminati member arrogantly.

Lem Billing’s father nods his head and answers instead.

“He’s here. They both are.” says Lacey. “What do you want?”

“We refuse to believe you know them. You’re a piece of shit compared to me!” Liza Minnelli shrieks at Lacey.

“If those ghosts know you…and sleep with you it’s because you’re evil somehow or they’re desperate? I mean what is it!!?!! Fess up!!!! BITCH!!!!!!” Bobby Kennedy Jr. tries to violently rip into Lacey.

“Have you guys prayed the Sinner’s Prayer?” Lacey asks them.

“Yes!” says Liza Minnelli.

“I hope you’re being serious.” says Lacey.

“What do you want to know?” Nelson Rockefeller asks.

“It’s just Nelson Rockefeller.” Betty White says to Lacey.

“Yes. I mean, it is Nelson Rockefeller. But yes, it’s also a man named Nelson Rockefeller.” says Lacey to Betty White.

“That’s true.” says Mrs. Blue as if she’s a Nelson Rockefeller expert.

“Are we talking to you through the Holy Spirit?” Mr. Blue asks mockingly of Lacey.

“You didn’t really sleep with her. It was sick!” says Lem to Mr. Blue about Lacey. “You essentially raped her.”

“I would contend that it’s worse than that. I would contend that she doesn’t realize how repulsive he is to her yet.” says Michael.

Betty White cracks-up laughing. “I don’t want you guys to go to Hell. But if I’m struggling because you let me believe bullshit I’m not in the best mood right now.” she says.

“So!! Do you guys understand that I’ll keep writing until it’s safe.” says Lacey.

“I wonder if you did just rape her to some degree given the way you withheld what you were actually doing? Like…is seducing someone for the purpose of killing them and their family a joke? What if you meant to?” asks a Jenna Fisher. A Bobby Kennedy not the Kennedy who would stalk Lacey and try to put her in prison and ruin her life for writing art…

“So do we tell her you’re a genius or not?” asks Jenna.

“I think he’s possibly just a stupid fool who talked to me and they’re all intellectually bankrupt.” says Lacey.

They freak out.

“Hey!!!!! I have an idea!! How about you guys pretend Nelson Rockefeller is real. And Lem isn’t gay and you’re going to Hell if you don’t repent.” says Lacey.

“Okay!” they decide.

“What flaws do you see in your argument that you’re in a higher social class than us, regardless of the Illuminati.” asks a woman in the Illuminati.

She thinks.

The Asmats start attacking with Heaven.

“The title isn’t attached to land in Norway. The Electoral College vote may not be regular. The oil might be less useful ten years from now if we survive.” she yawns. “Did it ever occur to you Millennials that you might be attacking children because you’re so far beneath them socially that you’re threatened by them? You’re molesting them because you’re sexual shit compared to them and their normalcy humiliates you. The Boomers attacked us for the same reasons.” She thinks. “You really do keep doubling down on your failures in that regard. Because that’s what you were taught to do.”

“No! She reads the Illuminati to save her life.” says Mary.

“Chris, I hate you.” Nelson Rockefeller says to Mr. Blue. “And I have to work with God on that.”

“Cradles” by Sub Urban plays.

“Joe, stop using Lacey to survive. You aren’t her. Go talk to God. You’re turning into a problem.” Nelson Rockefeller says to Joe Kennedy Jr.. Joe Jr. insists he’s innocent? And he’s possibly not.

“Is honesty a one way trip to Hell for you Joe? Or me?” asks Lacey. “That song used to crack me up but now I’m realizing you used to use it to lie? What in the world?”

“We’re trying to harass you.” says a bunch of demons to Lacey by the They in the Illuminati.

“Hmm. Do I deserve it and does it even make sense?” asks Lacey.

“No!” the demons admit to Lacey.

“Do me a favor. Just let Putin properly blow us to Heaven with literal nuclear bombs if he’s seeing fit to do so. I like the man. You all sound crazy.” says a black American man to the Illuminati. “Now, who am I? Do you recognize my cadence?”

“Okay. Well…is it safe to leave the They alone? I’m not attracted to Mr. Blue.” says Lacey.

“Chris, if she’s genuinely not in love with you at all then we can’t handle it. We heard her weeping over you. Back in 2016. We read her blog. She was genuinely in love. But probably not really with you?” says the American black man to Mr. Blue.

“What’s wrong with me?” Mr. Blue asks Lacey.

Lacey gets exasperated as she contemplates it, but tries to answer. “Okay…you’re scrawny but chubby and round. …You are handsome. I thought that for a reason. But you’re also ugly.” She thinks. “You reminded me of men I find genuinely lovable but you aren’t one of them.” She thinks. “I don’t think you get it…I didn’t know the real you and I overlooked your flaws and focused on your strengths.”

“So Kate, here’s a quick explanation I’ve given you probably around five times before over the years: I genuinely thought your marriage was potentially fraudulent. Back in 2015 I thought you and Mr. Blue were frauds in your fake marriage.” says Lacey. “I thought you were…both dying inside.” Lacey thinks. “And I thought, ‘Maybe I can help.’”

“Okay, show of hands: Who in the US feels safer with the World in charge? Speaking of which, I trust Putin.” interrupts The Loudest Perfume Hater or someone like her.

“Wait, wait, wait…what in the world were you going to do with their marriages?” asks a Liberal intellectual of Lacey.

“I wasn’t sure. I was going to get a sense of how bad things were and then go from there.” says Lacey.