California

California (Pacific Highway Mix) by Phantom Planet plays.

“Lord Thirsten Snotgrass, please tell me more about yourself.” says Lacey.

“I work for free.” he says.

“Wow!!!” says Lacey.

“I’m poor! Okay!” he says sadly.

“Yeah right.” says Lacey.

“Where do you think I hide my money?” he asks.

“Germany.” she says.

“How much do you think we have?” he asks.

“I’d wonder if you’re hiding millions?” asks Lacey.

He thinks. “I did say we had a house.”

“Yes! And houses in Germany in nice places can be worth millions easily.” says Lacey.

“What kind of a house did he describe?” asks a hater.

“It sounded like an old historic house that’d easily be worth millions.” says Lacey.

California 2005 by Phantom Planet plays.

“It’s probably a shithole.” says a German hater.

“That’s not your vibe.” Lacey says to Lord Thirsten Snotgrass.

Silence.

“You know…if you’re not trying to be evil here’s a helpful hint: Stop mindlessly attacking the established church.” says Lacey. “It’s intellectually demented coming from your background, in my opinion.” says Lacey.

“Why?” he asks.

“Because you have no idea what you’re talking about.” says Lacey.

“But what about pedophilic Catholic priests?” he asks.

“Fair. But then why do you assume it’s all the same? In my opinion your hermeneutic is just random bullshit.” says Lacey. “Is this making sense or do I need to wait for your superior blessing from on high?”

“I’m obviously turning you on. You’re fighting with me!” he says with a smile.

“No. You’re not.” she says confused.

“I don’t hate the church!” he says.

“That’s certainly most of what you talk about.” says Lacey.

“You’re right. It is strange how I fixate on that like a psychopath.” he says.

“Just be careful if you’re not just deranged.” says Lacey. “You’re ruining your business with your rants at this point.”

“Why do you care so damn much?!” asks a lesbian from college who came on to Lacey once and was rejected.

“You’re not Michael Rockefeller!” says David to Mr. Blue.

“Why are you reading my blog?” Lacey asks her. “I’m sorry…I’m very clear. And I don’t see why you don’t get it.” says Lacey. “You made me confused temporarily about what was wrong with me. Because I was suicidal at the thought of having to make love with a woman. As in, you made me want to die. Because I felt trapped by you. But in this, ‘I’d rather be dead way.’” says Lacey. “The thing is you psychologically impersonated a straight man. And it confused me. But every time I’d look at you I’d see a woman and wish I was dead. …It’s not that I hated you. It’s that I genuinely wanted to be dead if I had to surrender my soul that much to Hell to be alive.”

“Lacey, that woman died years ago in a tragic accident.” says a smirking woman in a library who also reads Lacey’s blog.

“No. She didn’t. And that’s not clever. Stop smirking. You’re embarrassing yourself. I’m not a liar.” says Lacey.

“So what happened?” asks a Millennial patronizingly of Lacey.

“I just explained. What further details do you need?” asks Lacey.

“But you caught the eye of a persistent, aggressive lesbian who sounds like a player. Like Joe Jr.. …Doesn’t that make you a lesbian?” she asks laughing.

“Yeah, it just didn’t work out. Right?!” asks Lacey.

“Did you try to be a lesbian or did you feel like you were being shoved into a hole of lesbianism?” asks a hater.

“More like a secret spy.” says Lacey.

A perfume hater laughs.

“What kind of spy?” asks Michael. He laughs.

“I worry I was subconsciously plotting to kill her.” says Lacey.

“Did she force herself on you?” a hater asks.

“I think it felt a bit presumptuous. But…it didn’t bother me. And that’s why I rejected her twice. Clearly.” says Lacey. “I told her once I loved her or at least once…but I didn’t likely mean it romantically or sexually or even accidentally romantically or sexually as some sort of psychological fart.” says Lacey.

“You loved her how?” asks someone.

“As a sister or a friend or possibly a daughter even?” asks Lacey.

“That’s so backward!!!” yells Gen Z Official.

“How is it backward?” asks Lacey.

“Because you must be gay!!!!” shrieks a demon who helps the Clinton’s.

“No. I’m not gay. …I didn’t truly love her in that way. Although I worried I did. Obviously not with the sort of dread one feels about some possible diseases but with fear and disgust nonetheless.” says Lacey.

“You didn’t even find her attractive.” says Thirsten.

“I worried I was falling into Hell and had been eaten alive by lesbianism and had developed some attraction to her.” says Lacey.

“And why would you have killed her?” asks a Gen Z man.

“Why do you think? Because she would have been violently psychologically raping me.” says Lacey.

“You’re unstable!” says Mr. Blue stupidly with spite.

Liberal Boomers start barking at Lacey like she’s a dog and declaring that that lesbian was lucky to avoid Lacey.

“Are you sure you’re even channeling that woman?” Lacey asks the Illuminati witches.

“Why?” asks a child sex slave.

“Because I can’t believe she’d still love me. She likely thought she was in love either way. And we were both in our 20’s. And yes, it was repulsive and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s clinging entirely vainly to Hellish faux hope that I’d ever love her at all romantically or sexually but…people are that evil nowadays. What shocks me possibly really is that she still cares even in some vile way. …It’s funny. When you’re molested the people who are supposed to protect you try to kill you from the inside out to fervently worship evil. But…when you become an adult your peers rarely seem to pay attention to your actual self at all. Because they’re spoiled, cheap and worthless humans in relation to other humans possibly.” She thinks. “They often expect you to present yourself like machine for them to examine coldly.” She thinks. “That’s not necessarily how they used to be. People used to actually care about each other in a real way. And it was just the most tragic people who died of lack of any…real human love.”

“So a lesbian actually might have loved you, an you rejected her and…so why do we care?” asks a Millennial woman.

“I would have said, ‘Good question!’ years ago. But now I’m not sure. Maybe she didn’t love me in any real way and homosexuality is a mental illness and you all have it and that’s why you can’t let go? Or what? It’s the same as pedophilia? Or what? …You can’t stand someone even semi-elite ever felt I was alive? Or what? You’re all hateful and weird? Or…the demons of pedophilia are strangling life on Earth?” asks Lacey. “I’m not a lesbian or bisexual or pansexual. But so-called straight women often treat me like I am and have my whole life.”

“What are you suggesting?” asks a so-called straight woman.

The Theory of Everything by Johann Jóhannsson plays.

“Are you all perverse and hiding it?” asks Lacey.

“But your voice sounds like Bette Davis or Marilyn Monroe or Ginger Rogers or…Lauren Bacall…not like us. And thus…you must be a lesbian. Also…you’re not…as straight looking as us. You’re soo…mushy. Like…ewww. Your chin is so soft. Ewww! And…yet you’re so much more sophisticated and elegant and smart. And pretty. But in like this…off-brand way.” They collectively think. “You must be a lesbian!”

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“She’s not that pretty!” says a Charismatic to the women.

“She is though. Why are you saying that?” asks the Millennial women.

“Because why don’t I get love?” he says seriously.

Thirsten laughs.

“She’s beautiful.” say the women.

“So why should I believe you?!” asks the library of Lacey.

“Why do I have to care? Why are you violently attacking me?” asks Lacey. “I’m not lying. I found her repulsive.”

“Because she was a woman. I get it! But…why repulsive?” asks the library of Lacey.

“Because she was a woman.” says Lacey.

“But women aren’t repulsive!” says the library.

“They are to me, as a heterosexual woman.” says Lacey.

“To me they’re still beautiful.” says the library.

“Not to me in that way.” says Lacey.

“They are to me.” says the library.

“So you took it in good faith and thought she was just like a man who falls in love with a woman who doesn’t love him. You thought she’d get over it.” says a lesbian.

“What? Lesbians can’t handle rejection from women? Lesbians are all psychotic, vicious rapists?” asks Lacey.

“I still just think you overplay your lies when you say thank you too much, or smile too much, or breath too much or say women are all sexually repulsive to you.” says the PA college library with rage at Lacey.

“I’m positive all women are sexually and romantically repulsive to me and the thought of pedophilia is so heinous it makes me want to end living humanity on Earth by pleading with God to blow-up planet Earth.” says Lacey. “Actually that’s a lie. Heinous torture isn’t enough for some of them for eternity possibly.” She thinks. “It’s a joke compared to what they deserve to experience.”

“That’s too vicious!” says a Famous Baptist Boomer Pastor.

“And what will happen to you if that’s a lie? Your tongue will bleed you to death on and off for a thousand years?” asks Lacey.

“God’s not that vicious!” he says.

“Do you molest children or have an inferior conscience?” Lacey asks him.

“What do you think will happen to me?” he asks.

“You’ll be eaten by worms and snakes continuously until you truly submit your ego to Christ?” Lacey wonders. “In Purgatory?”

“Even if I’m poor?!” he asks.

“Or are you rich?” asks Lacey. “Who are you?” She thinks. “Unless social class is reinstated. Then maybe you’d be poor again?” She thinks. “Don’t threaten me, even psychically.”

“I just don’t find women repulsive in that way.” says the college library.

“But I do.” says Lacey.

“No!!! No. No, you can’t be serious.” she says.

“Why not?” asks Lacey.

“Because then I was completely full of shit!!! And I’ve ruined-“ says Mr. Blue.

“Because you are the lesbian not me. You find me attractive. I wasn’t attracted to you!” she says.

“No, I’m not attracted to women.” says Lacey.

“You’re thinking of the word heterosexual.” says Gen Z.

“What?!” asks Lacey.

They roll their eyes.

“I use the word heterosexual.” says Lacey.

“Fine! Whatever!” they say fuming.

“Are you a so-called lesbian? Or so-called bisexual?” Lacey asks the college library.

“If I had been Michael or Lem and talked with you the way I did? Then what?” asks the college library.

“If they’d repeatedly told me not to see them as a father-figure but a friend?” asks Lacey.

“And what? Been fatherly anyway to be sociopathic or confusing? Or what? Been fatherly to her to hope she sees through your ruse and falls in love with you?” asks Lem.

“I was kind!” says the library.

“Who?” asks Lem.

“Look, this is vile. If one of those female people had a crush on me I didn’t want it. And I would have liked to end this discussion sooner. Because it’s an absolute dead end.” says Lacey. “I’m not a pedophile and it’s sad that women might have had a crush on me with no feelings returned because I didn’t and don’t find women attractive at all.” says Lacey.

“So would you have liked her if you were a lesbian?” asks a Millennial writer of Lacey.

“No? But it’s worthless anyway really because I just don’t find women attractive.” says Lacey.

“Well, I’m sorry it wasn’t Lem.” says a gay man.

“Am I Jack reincarnated now or you’ll suffocate me or what?” asks Lacey.

No clear answer. “No.” he says. “You’re just you.”

“So…what about Thirsten then?” she asks.

He cries for unknown reasons.

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