Allergies

Me and the Devil by Soap&Skin plays.

Lacey had a terrible phone call with her mother today. Lacey was raised to believe she was being loved, but at almost 40 she realizes that her social class loved her. The only protection and love she received was to be a good, moral, decent…well-bred woman. And so she was raised to be genuine and defiant. Never try to gain people’s attention or approval at the expense of one’s Christian dignity. …Her 6,000 followers on Instagram were trashy as being “famous” was in and of itself admirable but also suspect. Her mother who raised her was lofty and impossible and admirably spent the day celebrating the Women’s Suffrage Movement. …Lacey talked to her for five minutes and it was miserable but necessary, of course.

Lacey’s mother who raised her doesn’t ever offer help or genuine concern about whether Lacey or her children live or die. She doesn’t…apparently…exist.

When Lacey was a child she was given the impression that her mother loved her though. Brilliantly so. Lacey grew-up counting on her mother to be there for her when she got married and had kids. …For three years of Lacey’s son’s life she was…and then she became increasingly cold. And then one Christmas several years ago Lacey’s mom refused to apologize for a horrific mistake she’d made while raising Lacey…as she’d “Already apologized.” Lacey’s mother felt three formal apologies were more than enough for her part in causing Lacey to have PTSD…and continuing clinical depression since childhood. So…she decided to leave Lacey’s house instead of apologizing and staying on Christmas. Things have never been the same between them since. And now Lacey realizes that…it’s entirely likely…that her mother who raised her never loved her at all.

But…it’s not nearly as shocking as it should be to Lacey.

The oil was shocking. Realizing slowly over time that she wasn’t finding romantic love or friends as she’d always wanted and needs was shocking. …Realizing over time that she was raised in the old money upper class and was different than other people was shocking. Lacey is very naturally and genuinely compassionate and loving. …It’s creepy to be so unusually unloved but also to be so protected from the troubles most people experience for reasons of social class. …Lacey’s been snubbed and experienced real financial difficulties in life but…there’s always been a secret back exit to the old money upper class to escape out of.

And today she went antiquing…and overheard two gay men chatting. …Then she felt scared. So she listened to Lem Billings’s voice and realized that he truly…did seem to be straight beneath his convincing gay act. …So she perused through his photos again and only found slightly contrary evidence. Well..slightly possible contrary evidence. If his possible ghost is to be believed he…just wasn’t gay…at all. And it’s disturbing…

Because he might not understand. Lacey isn’t…like the Kennedys even if she’s illegitimate. And she highly doubts Lem understands her sense of things…that’s been influenced by her life.

She’s not jealous of the Kennedys even as they possibly stole Lem’s soul (and mind and body) and his life. That’s Lem’s business to address if he wants to be with Lacey. It’s not her problem. But he’s never going to understand from living life…what it’s like to be so unloved. So pristine and devout and yet so unloved and alone. …Always alone.

Lacey loves Lem…but part of the tragedy of his life…should he have been molested and straight…is that he is now clueless about her misery. He was numbed by the Kennedys… Even if he was actually always at least somewhat genuinely miserable…they still wanted his company and thought he was happy for a reason. And maybe he got addicted to feeling anesthetized…and false hope that was excusable. He…did seemingly develop a drug habit that didn’t just pop out thin air as I don’t think any addiction just comes out of nowhere.

But Lacey is far, far more like J. D. Rockefeller inspired Daniel Plainview.

Dust It Off by The Dø plays.

Lacey sees through other people because she believes in God. The Rockefellers have Baptist roots… And Daniel Plainview isn’t capable of being slightly happy and numb.

Gore Vidal looks at Lacey ashamed of himself.

“Why are you guilty?” Lacey asks him.

“I could shoot myself!” he says to Lacey.

She almost laughs, “Of course you’re vague.”

“You!” he says grimly.

“Oh! I’m JFK?!?” she asks bitingly.

He laughs. Smiles. “No!” he yells. He laughs again. “No, you’re a fate worse than death for my hideous foe.” He laughs again and looks off into the distance thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t have wished this on Lem for any reason I hated him.”

“That Jack Kennedy got turned into a woman?!?” asks Lacey bitingly.

“No, that you’re so nice.” he says before crying. “You’re not Jack Kennedy and never have been and I shouldn’t have to repeat myself saying that.” He rolls his eyes. “You’re not him reincarnated. …No…you’re…in love with Michael Rockefeller…and Louis Hill Junior…and Harold Loeb. …But especially Michael.” He throws himself on a picnic table. “And the worst part is…Lem really is perfect for you. And there’s no one ever created better for Lem than you. And yet…you’re right…”.

Moneyball by Mychael Danna plays.

Gore Vidal stares up into the sky while laying on his back.

“He’s been…obtuse.” says Gore Vidal about Lem. “Or he’s been viciously attacked.” He closes his eyes. “But…how in the world…are you supposed to know?!??” He thinks. “And all he has to prove anything to you is God’s mercy and his idiotic life. And my possible mistakes in identifying him correctly…that he brought on himself to some degree.”

“It is perverse. If it’s real. But it’s like a bloody horror story.” says Lacey.

Gore laughs. “Yes! You’re right.” He thinks. “Would you have seriously noticed he was straight if you’d been there? If he was.”

“Oh, absolutely.” says Lacey.

“Shit!” says Gore. He thinks. “You know…I may have hated him for that very reason. Like…he seemed…annoying. And maybe I didn’t want to assume the worst of Jack. I gave Jack the benefit of a doubt. I may have assumed Jack was innocently naive about his own sexuality in regard to Lem and other men he may have honestly found attractive.”

The Kennedys freak out for some reason.

“I didn’t think Lem was straight consciously…if I did at all. But I did think he was bizarrely subservient to the Kennedy family and that he sucked Jack’s dick for idiotic, familial shame, self-loathing…idiotic reasons.” He thinks. “I was never convinced Lem loved Jack at all, much less as a lover.” He thinks. “He just seemed…fraudulent.”

“I’ll have to go now, but thank for talking.” says Lacey.

Gore Vidal cries.

“It’s like talking to Queen Elizabeth. She listens.” he says.

More later.

“I need to talk to talk to you!” says Rose Kennedy to Lacey.

“Why?! Are either Jack or Lem threatening to cease to exist if I don’t stop being sad?!” asks Lacey bitingly.

“Maybe.” says Rose.

“God wouldn’t let Jack or Lem do that if God loves me.” says Lacey.

“You think they’d do that just to spite you?” asks Rose. “But for no other reason?”

And at that Lacey spits in Rose’s face and then slices off her head if God so desires it.

“Stop being gross you piece of useless crap.” Lacey says to Rose. “And while you’re at it learn a good song and dance routine for your big class act, you dog.” Then Lacey turns to Jack. “Happy Mother’s Day you shitty son of useless bitch!” Then she turns to all the Kennedys and adds, “Consider hanging yourselves after covering yourself in dog vomit to celebrate your birthdays.” She thinks. “Actually don’t do any of that. Just…find a way to be…better.” She thinks. “Actually, don’t even do that. Just…let me pretend for a day that you were never created. Almost any of you.”

She thinks.

“Yeah! That was nice. I imagined Joe Jr. was created without Rose as his mom. And David, Saoirse and most others of her generation and younger. I really don’t see why the rest of you had to exist at all.” says Lacey.

“I doubt you would think that of me either, but no offense taken.” says Michael Lemoyne Kennedy. “Truly!”

“BUT you do exist. And…that’s God’s choice. No…if Lem was straight and you’ve ruined my life beyond repair and hurt my children in the process…I don’t understand why you were ever created Jack. The only purpose you sever was to procreate ironically and point out Lem’s worst flaws. Truly, you are useless other than for those two purposes in that scenario. You served no purpose, being born other than for God to redeem the darkness and for your kids to be created. …It’s not that I can’t stand stand you…I can’t fathom why you were ever created.” says Lacey.

“Well…we were created.” says Rose.

“Right. And depending on what you’ve all done…how does God redeem it?!” asks Lacey. “Making any of you cease to exist just mocks my pain and let’s you get away with it. It’s entirely unfair and unjust and what’s more…I don’t even find any comfort in it because you do exist. Got did create you.”

“I told you so, Lem.” says Lem’s father.

“What did you tell him?!” asks Lacey boldly.

“I told him that I made terrible choices raising him to be so tolerant of certain kinds of people and of new ideas.” says Mr. Billings. “Progress is good when it’s real, but change isn’t always progress of course. And calling people trash is beneath us, too.” He thinks. “Ask Lem, but I’d like you to share what you think we told you happened, please.”

“Should I?” Lacey asks Lem.

“One of my highest and most important goals in life was to destroy you. I’m one of the most vicious, heartless, conniving, shallow and mindless humans ever created. And yet…I was rich, American, very good-looking and my father was Joe Kennedy. So…considering I was mostly just a jealous asshole without any deeper meaning…I did extremely well.” says Jack Kennedy’s soul to Lacey. He grins victoriously. Is he being sarcastic or serious. It’s somewhat unclear.

“Is this funny to you?” asks Gore Vidal of Lacey.

“Yes!!!” yells Lem trying desperately to contact Lacey.

“Yes! Slightly. Why? Is that bad?” Lacey asks Gore Vidal.

He looks at her. “You really do love battle.”

“Yes! But Jack did even more! Right??!” asks Lacey bitingly.

He laughs. Covers his mouth.

“When you said useless, you meant useless.” says Gore Vidal.

“Yes! I do that to mock evil.” says Lacey. “And mock human vanity and stupidity.”

“That’s sad.” says Gore.

“It is. But I’m just JFK reincarnated. Right?” asks Lacey bitingly. “There’s no way I’d have any intrinsic value just for being myself, right?! A woman. A straight…cis…woman. That’s…so old-fashioned and useless. Isn’t it? Aren’t you one of those know-it-all 1960’s intellectuals who ruined the Earth?”

“Yes!” he says proudly and yet also mockingly of himself. “No, to the part about you.” He thinks. “You don’t expect to be happy anymore, do you?”

“No. I’m like F. Scott Fitzgerald maybe.” says Lacey.

He smiles. “I…know.”

“Tell them the story. It’s worth telling, either way.” says Lem.

“So…you…were molested. And…you…wondered what had happened to you and the first chance you got you asked your father about it. Except what you asked him wasn’t what had happened to you but rather what it meant for a man to be aroused by another man and he told you it was called homosexuality.” says Lacey to Lem. “And so you assumed you were a homosexual and he died before you could clarify further.”

“And so I acted like a homosexual increasingly to a point. …According to what you seem to be hearing. And yet…that’s really beyond the point. The point is…you’re being lied to. And the point is…you just want to know if I’m in love with you…at all. Because…I insist I am…but there’s nothing holding it up.” says Lem.

Lacey gives him the cold shoulder out of exasperation.

Dawn from “Pride & Prejudice” by Jean-Yves Thibaudet plays.

“Hey! Let’s fuck!” Jack says to Lem. He pulls out photos of himself. Gives them to Lem.

“Jack, Happy Mother’s Day!” says Lem. “Should I rub your feet sweetie?”

“Are you mocking me?!?” asks Jack genuinely enraged.

“No! You just…brought our two kids and our dog Dunker into the world through your blessed womb. And I want to anoint you with my powerful…eternal love.” says Lem.

Jack takes it completely to heart. He smiles.

Hands on his hips, “Who needs women! Right?! All their crap and shit. I hate ‘em!” says JFK.

“What about your daughter?!” asks Lem acting dumbfounded.

“Oh! I forgot about her!” says JFK.

They stare at each other stupidly.

“Well…let’s just go take a shit.” says JFK.

“Jack…why?” asks Lem.

“Because my lips are made of threads of strawberries and my eyes are made of the sea and when you lay next to me you feel…free. Remember that love poem you wrote me? I saved it in a box…with the other dozens of love letters people wrote me.” Jack smiles. “I was so loved. Everyone loved me. PROFOUNDLY. …Thanks for sucking my dick…dude.” says JFK to Lem without irony.

“She’s writing our lines. Isn’t she?!” asks Norman Mailer.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Jack! I hate you.” says Norman.

Einaudi: Dietro Casa plays.

“Norman, love me! Please!” says JFK begging seriously.

Norman thinks. “No, I’m going to be the one to say no.”

JFK looks devastated.

Beneath the Starry Night by David Tolk plays.

“Norman I…love you.” says JFK.

“Why?!” asks Norman Mailer.

“Because.” says JFK.

“Why?!” asks Norman Mailer.

“Because.” says JFK.

Norman looks upset. “It’s because starry princess cloverleaf did twice…the second one was the first one?”

Jack Kennedy thinks. “Yeah! I have no idea what you just said…but…you love me!!!”

Norman Mailer looks confused. “Sunshine in October. Jack. Jack Kennedy. Kennedy. Jack…Kennedy?” he says.

Opus 38 by Dustin Ohalloran plays.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy laughs.

“You use me up…Norman. Norman…you…are me.” says JFK to Norman Mailer.

“Jack, you have shit for brains.” says Norman Mailer to JFK.

“Norman…you…are my rock.” says JFK as he rips off his clothes, tearing them to shreds.

“Jack…I love you!” says Norman Mailer.

“You’re my twinkle toes.” says JFK naked in front of Norman Mailer.

And at that moment the two men fall madly in love in the way only their soulmates are supposed to fall in love with their soulmates. They fall into a twirl as they hold each other’s hands, starring into each other’s eyes.

“Jack…let’s make love!” declares Norman Mailer.

“Okay!” says JFK sublimely.

“Wait!” yells Lacey.

The two men stop.

“Eyes over here!” yells Lacey.

They turn and look at her, still holding hands.

“Now, let me ask you: Why do you love each other?” Lacey asks.

“Because…he walks.” says Norman Mailer.

“Yup! Goody, goody, goody!” says JFK seriously.

“So you have no real reasons why you love each other?” asks Lacey.

They think.

“No! But…it feels evil to do. And I’m in rebellion against God.” says Norman Mailer.

“Yeah! I love rebellion against God. It’s my favorite. I’m lucky I’m not in Hell for eternity.” says JFK. “That’s why I love Norman too.”

“So people like the two of you are capable of falling in love…to be evil?” asks Lacey. “Like…you purposely are drawn to people who you don’t actually love just to…defy God?” She thinks. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this labeled before.” She thinks. “But I think it’s possibly a thing! I think the opposite can happen too.”

“It’s rare. In both cases. But maybe…” says JFK.

“So…it’s similar to pedophilia or psychotic obsession?” says Lacey.

“Maybe.” says Norman Mailer.

Once Upon A December by Emilie Pandolfi plays.

“Do you feel in love?” Lacey asks JFK.

“Yes!” he says.

“Just as much as you ever did with Lem?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” he says finally, with embarrassment.

“Okay! See!” says Lacey. “And it’s total nonsense in reality?”

“Yes!” says JFK, enraged and pouty.

“Okay! I ask God to lift this off of you two if possible. You haven’t done any harm? Have you?” asks Lacey.

Norman Mailer cracks-up laughing, claps his hands. “That was quite the experience!” he says.

JFK, who is unfortunately naked, laughs awkwardly.

“Lem…why must I sort this out for you?” Lacey asks Lem.

“Could you ever fall for it?” Lem asks Lacey.

“Not truly.” says Lacey. “At least, I’m sorry if that’s a lie. I highly doubt it.”

And at that Louis Hill Jr. weeps.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

On Reflection by Max Richter plays.

“I can’t exist easily without you.” says Lem to Lacey.

“I don’t even know what that means anymore. At all.” says Lacey. She smiles. “I’m sorry. But what does that even mean?”

“You have no idea what that means or you don’t know what you’re worth?” asks Gore Vidal.

“What in the world does that even mean?” asks Lacey.

He looks shocked. “You truly are that lost?”

“If that’s lost.” says Lacey.

“It’s as if Jack sent you to the next galaxy to die for eternity slowly.” says Gore Vidal to Lacey.

“If Lem even loves me at all.” says Lacey.

Later.

“Lacey, you’re not hearing me.” says Lem. “But we’ll be fine.”

“I barely understand.” says Lacey.

“You hear me. But not most of what I’m saying.” says Lem. “You’re not confused. But you are…being attacked.”

“I just can’t stand it. But I can’t talk about it because people don’t understand what I mean and they assume I’m homophobic or jealous or both.” says Lacey.

“You’re neither!” says Lem.

Later.

“So it’s that I seem too good for you…even though Michael Rockefeller is who you’re with…for eternity…if you aren’t with me…and Louis Hill Junior loves you…and Harold Loeb is a possible replacement for Michael Rockefeller? …Oh! And Joe Junior is heartbroken and has been for years…and Joe Senior is devastated…and Jack wonders why you don’t just fall in love with him…and Elliott Roosevelt…is also hurt.” says Lem.

Lacey chooses not to respond out of love.

“And you think it’s because I was what? Or am what? Superior to all of you somehow?” asks Lem.

“Yes! You were always so happy!” says Lacey. “And you won. You truly won. I still love you. I’m extraordinarily clear about it and…what have you lost? Nothing. Unless you truly love me more than I love you you’ve lost nothing in regard to me at all.” says Lacey. “It’s vile.”

“So I got away with killing you without killing you.” says Lem. “So I’m worse than a psychopath if I don’t love you more than you love me? And…that’s even if I was just happy. Not fully happy.”

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“And that’s why you slept with other men. Because you didn’t think God would allow something that vile to happen most likely.” says Lem. He weeps.

“Yes! Possibly. It seemed…more likely you weren’t for me and I’d misunderstood.” says Lacey.

“But you still loved me!” says Lem.

“That’s exactly why I did it. That’s vile!” says Lacey.

He smiles. Laughs. “Michael said it was bullshit and he was telling the truth! …Norman Mailer thought you were evil.” says Lem. “I listened to him more than I should have in a way. My father warned me though.” He thinks. “My whole family did.”

“I can’t be nice to you. It isn’t right.” says Lacey to Lem.

“You don’t trust me. And you think I wouldn’t have left Jack for you?” he asks.

“Not much. …Possibly.” says Lacey.

“And you have no ego to appeal to. And no sense of your value in the eyes of others who you can’t take care of.” says Lem.

“Yes! I’m baffled every time I look in the mirror although I know myself. But…yes. And so it was entirely unjust.” says Lacey.

“I think our love scares people.” Lem says to Lacey. “It feels too possible. …And that has tons of potential implications. …But…let’s be clear: I might hate you slightly for sleeping with other men.”

Lacey thinks. Then placidly she says, “What does that mean?”

Lem almost smiles. “I’m not going to tell you why I love you on this blog. It’s not safe because no one needs to know you that much who reads this blog and doesn’t know you in person. …But…it means I was extremely hurt.”

Lacey laughs. “That’s hurtful to me. …How dare you! How dare you get hurt…without telling me.” says Lacey. “See…there you go betraying me with these depths. Or what?! Why didn’t you…try to stop me?!?!?” she asks.

“So you feel that I’ve betrayed you by letting you sleep with someone else?” asks Lem.

“Yes! Think about it!” says Lacey.

“Did you think of my tender heart?” he asks.

“It didn’t mean anything necessarily.” says Lacey. “Jack stole that meaning and you promoted it.”

“So there was no way my love was going to keep you faithful?” asks Lem.

“Based on the way you treated me or the way you famously loved Jack…no. Not in my case. To me…it’s inconsequential. I’m sorry. Well…and what do you mean by love?” asks Lacey.

“So if I had made it clear that you had to be with me for eternity…you’d of never slept with anyone else. Ever. If you trusted I wasn’t cheating…” says Lem.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“What was that like?! Sleeping with them after me?” asks Lem.

She blinks.

“I mean that kindly. Please answer.” says Lem.

She blinks. She considers leaving.

Louis agrees with her.

“I want to know…from you.” says Lem.

“Why didn’t you stop me??!?” asks Lacey.

“I tried.” says Lem.

“Did you?!?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” he says.

“Like you actually tried?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” he says.

“Don’t lie! You genuinely made a concerted, passionate and acceptably determined effort?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” he says. “I promise.”

“I’m not sure I experienced that.” says Lacey. “But let’s see…what did I experience? …Repression? Like…there isn’t time or money or something enough to deal with it…so you set it aside and learn to get over it. …Self-loathing, most likely. Excruciating pain. …Except I refocused my attention on the man I was I was in love with to enjoy myself and not be distracted by the pain. …Unease. Hope… Love. Passion. …Incredible grief and a sense of betrayal possibly that I also repressed… A feeling of being ghastly disappointed and profoundly unloved by you. …A sense of being Hellishly abandoned by you. …A feeling of…your feelings mattering…but somehow being not good enough to outweigh the prospect of being loved by someone who might love me in a more…perfect way. Like genuinely perfect not stupid perfect. …Sadness and relief. Relief that I could let you go and love you without feeling constantly scared. …Dread. Disgust. A sense of failure. …Loss of hope. Loss of dreams. …Amusement. …An appreciation of beauty. …Anger at you. Probably an enormous amount of anger at you.” says Lacey.

“Every time?” asks Lem.

“Yes! Well…possibly.” says Lacey.

“Then what was the point?!” asks Lem.

“The love! The passion! …I do exist.” says Lacey.

“But the joy that I had…that was…false…but…I thought was based on reality…with Jack…isn’t something you ever have expected or experienced with anyone?!?” asks Lem.

Lacey holds back tears. Then she calms herself and thinks. “I expected it until I was…24? Then I realized it wasn’t very likely. And now I don’t. No. At least, probably?” says Lacey. “No, it’s lovely to think you have I’m sure even, but no. That’s…so unlikely with me.”

“Why?” asks Lem.

“Lem…people don’t care about me.” says Lacey. “I’m purely burden to everyone. People all think they’re infinitely better than me personally for no rational or sane or good reason. They love hating me. No one alive enjoys me anymore even. …They would rather I didn’t exist. I’m too scary to consider. Especially for the pseudo scientific and pseudo intellectual elite of every political persuasion. …I’m in their way they think. I’m a frightening reminder of how bad everything actually is. …I have walked on eggshells since childhood…around everyone. …Everyone. …It’s depressing, but…Lem…how technically could I even experience that joy? …That’s…a sort of blind hope and faith in acceptance based on unconditional love and boundless understanding and obvious intimacy. …I’d feel hopeless with you…but…it’s supposed to be common. And…it possibly wasn’t even truly real. And…even if it was it didn’t work out, seemingly.”

“But that’s something you’ll never experience?!? Thanks to me?!?” asks Lem.

“Yes! Possibly. And lots of other people. But definitely you in particular and Jack and your abuser and your response to it all.” says Lem.

“And then basically that just means that I sent you to Hell. For no reason. And…yet…you-“ he can’t finish.

“The thing is…I was molested. So were you possibly. And…the thing is…that so-called joy looks stupid to me now. I can’t be that…dumb.” says Lacey.

“But then that means that this whole time you’ve been thinking of Michael and there’s no way I can even blame you or get rightfully too upset.” says Lem.

“Well…what choice do I have?” asks Lacey.

“It bothers me.” says Lem.

“I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“How do I convince you not to?” he asks.

“I don’t know. …You’ve left behind too many atom bombs everywhere and you’ve been useless to your cause for a while now potentially. I genuinely need you or I’d be done with you.” says Lacey.

“Would you have needed me if you were Jack?” asks Lem.

“No! We wouldn’t have been friends.” says Lacey.

“Even if I was gay?” asks Lem.

“No! I wouldn’t have been…”. She thinks. “Would you have pursued me?”

“Yes!” he says.

“How much?” asks Lacey.

“A lot!” says Lem.

She thinks. “Then I would have told you I wanted to die. Because if I’d been born in his family I would have wanted to die.”

“Why?!” he says.

“‘Because my family is insane!’ I would have said. And then I would have warned you against loving me for your own protection.” says Lacey.

“‘You can’t kill yourself!’ I would have said.” says Lem.

“And then I would have patronized you to protect you just in case you wanted me.” says Lacey.

“How?!” asks Lem.

“I just would have babysat you…and…died.” says Lacey.

“When?!” asks Lem.

“At Choate.” says Lacey.

“You would have died at Choate?!?” Lem asks gasping for air.

“Yes! You wouldn’t have seen it coming because I wouldn’t have let you.” says Lacey.

“Yeah right!!” yells Lem.

“Getting angry will do nothing. Truly.” says Lacey.

“You can’t be serious?!” says Lem.

“I’m becoming more convinced you’d fail.” says Lacey.

“Then how would you have died?!” he asks.

She smiles. “You’d have been gone. Away on some lovely vacation with some friends, family and possible lovers…that I arranged. And then I’d have let my Addisons Disease kill me if that’s what he almost died from. I’d have just gone to Mass…and pleaded with God to kill me while I was at Mass.”

“I would have figured that out!” says Lem.

“No. I doubt it.” says Lacey.

“I would have!” says Lem.

“I doubt it.” says Lacey.

“I doubt it!” says Lem.

“I doubt it.” says Lacey.

“No! I would have seduced you.” says Lem.

“I doubt it, but maybe.” says Lacey.

Lem thinks. “I would have told you that we had to leave your family.”

“And go live where? Poor, starving and dying?” asks Lacey.

“No, we would have just lived in New York City.” says Lem.

“Joe would have stalked us.” says Lacey. “No, I would have demanded Paris.”

Lem laughs. “I would have had to become fluent in French.”

“That’s not too difficult. …Joe probably would have been US President. But how would they have covered up my existence?” asks Lacey.

“You would have been a French intellectual.” says Lem.

“Yes! Or artist.” says Lacey.

“But you aren’t Jack. And you don’t know how many times I practiced in front of mirrors to seem gay.” says Lem. “And you’re not a man nor ever have been one.”

“But I doubt you’d have loved me. I’m not stubborn enough to impress you or anyone else. And yet I have Christ, hopefully.” says Lacey.

“I can’t exist without you!” says Lem to Lacey.

“I doubt that! I’m sorry!” says Lacey.

“Well…that’s temporary!” says Lem.

“What if that’s a lie?” asks Lacey.

“It’s not. And I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop you. And don’t leave me!” says Lem.

“I can’t leave you if we’re not together.” says Lacey.

“And you’re right. That’s true. …Let’s go to bed. I’m sorry…you…don’t have better eggs in the morning to look forward to.” he says.

“They’re not that bad!” says Lacey. “But you’re right. They’re not…that great.”

“Time for bed!” he says.

“True!” says Lacey.

…

The next day.

“What was the point of sleeping with other people? It was to get away from me with my possible lies.” says Lem to Lacey. “You just didn’t want to be taken advantage of.”

“Possibly.” says Lacey.

“When did you think I was that sleazy?” asks Lem.

“From the start. You became a rather sleazy character.” says Lacey.

“When I did heroin?” says Lem.

“When you purported to be a homosexual…and then did drugs with teenage children.” says Lacey.

“And you knew that could be total rubbish.” says Lem. “Or I could’ve been deserving of a review, so to speak.”

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“No, the gay men who have never psychologically processed that I did heroin with a teenager repulse me. How do they fail to recognize the cognitive dissonance in their projection of victimhood on me in that situation? …It’s repulsive! It makes no sense. …Either I was degenerate, pedophilic monster in sheep’s clothing…or there’s something wrong with the way my storyline has been written since I died.” says Lacey.

“Lem you were like a father figure not a pedophilic monster…so you must not have been in love with Bobby Junior…but then again you did drugs with him…and how do we explain the story in the press that you transferred your feelings from JFK to Bobby Junior because it casts doubt on every popular belief we have of you. …Maybe you were a pedophile and doing drugs with kids if you’re rich enough is good?!?” say most members of the LGBTQ+ community to Lem Billings.

“That’s asinine and evil.” says Lacey to the LGBTQ+ community.

“But…we lose Lem otherwise and gay men have been feeling superior based on his myth for decades. …Nobody is going to correct us either. It’s too scary. We have too much money and power.” says the LGBTQ+ community.

“You guys are like a sick cult!” says a gay man to the LGBTQ+.

“The thing is…without God…you guys are a lesser evil than other things.” says Lacey to the LGBTQ+ community.

“We just blindly assumed Lem wasn’t being psychologically coerced into doing sexual favors and other favors for JFK.” they say.

“Why?!? That defies every analysis ever done of him by any one who was honest who ever knew him.” says Gore Vidal.

“Because it’s JFK. Okay?!” they say.

“But if you’re wrong and it still matters…you’ll damage the LGBTQ+ community and destroy the entire Kennedy legacy. All of it.” says Lacey.

“The entire Kennedy myth?” asks the LGBTQ+ community.

“I suspect so, yes.” says Lacey.

“Why?!” they ask.

“I’m too drained to explain the mechanics. Maybe later.” says Lacey.

“And after they rejected you…they’d flirt?” asks Lem of Lacey.

“Yes! On occasion. It was…vile.” says Lacey.

“Because they’d been seemingly flirting and then they would claim you were crazy and then you were left with nothing to hope for.” says Lem.

“Exactly!” says Lacey.

“And that’s been your life. And that’s the life gay men and women claim to still live today. …If they ever often did. And you’ve been targeted for death by the Illuminati, should it exist. And they expect regard and respect and massive sympathy from you for the sake of Jack’s cock being shoved up my ass?” says Lem. “Because you lie? And there’s no way I’m telling you daily that I was raped and abused and that my life was ruined by the Kennedy family and that I was letting those kids die. …And in your analysis is the reason why is because I was born in the upper class and they need me. And they attack you for reasons of social class.” says Lem. “Those boys were idiots, Lacey. When you were a teenager. Just idiots. And they didn’t want to be evil and sexually impure and engage with you. And nobody told you the truth. …Your life was ruined by purity culture because you were trying to be a sincere Christian. You always tried to properly date guys who were attracted to you but then they didn’t want to be sleazy and admit their sexual attraction to you that they felt was pure evil thanks to the American Christian culture of the late 20th Century.”

Paper Planes by M.I.A. plays.

“Anyway. That’s my life.” says Lacey.

“Lem…I’m not going to protect you anymore. Not in the sane way. You repulse me. She’s sad. Why? I thought you specialized in getting your lovers off and never getting offended when they took a giant shit on all the faces of all the children of the world?” says Michael. “Oh! Oh! I’m sorry! JFK was a saint straight guy who never molested teenagers or was unkind to old people or orphans! He was a sexy cock with hot blue eyes! Wow! Wow! …He was…America’s best player and…Lacey should have been heartless and slept with me every time I came on to her to her!”

“Michael they haven’t canceled JFK because he’s too important to the middle class.” says a queer woman in the Illuminati.

“And his daughter and nieces and nephews are still alive.” says Michael.

“She’s with me. There is no way she can be with anyone else. Ever.” says Lem.

“Why would you want that?” asks a gay man of Lem.

“She’s my everything!” says Lem.

“Shit!” says another gay man.

“Lem…I just can’t believe that a man would never be aroused enough to try heterosexuality!” says a liberal woman.

“You don’t understand. You just don’t understand! …Stop trying to make me middle class and born into your generation!” says Lem, exasperated.

“Lem when did you tell Lacey you were straight?” asks Mr. Blue.

“Right at first.” says Lem. “I didn’t handle it well though. …It’s almost meaningless if I love her more. And Michael is the only one who fully understood that or fully communicated that.” He thinks. “Harold, Louis and I have failed to understand or failed to communicate our feelings about her to her.”