“I wasn’t a Nazi.” says Lem, very anxiously.
“I was.” says JFK, grinning.
Turns out…taking a gay sex trip to Nazi Germany is…kind of weird.
Why??
Because…while Jack and his immediate family were fervent Nazis, a title given to them by the German Nazis of the 1940’s without the honorary attached…they…were not…aware…of…a lot.
“Lem…Germany is a place where we can go.” said Jack, leading Lem on. Because even though Lem was genuinely only pretending to be a homosexual…he was a convoluted enough man to be trying to have a committed relationship with Jack. Not to have sex…or get married or fall in love…but…to imitate that as the best version of himself he thought was possible.
Lem smiled, because maybe Jack was coming around to a serious, more clearly defined gay relationship. “It’s not a problem, Jack, to God. We’re adults. He loves us. We’re just…deformed.” said Lem Billings to Jack. He sat down on the side of his bed. Jack sat down on the side of his bed. To Jack laying on separate beds near Lem seemed sexy as that’s the most he could trick Lem into doing without Lem getting weirded-out and physically starting to gag. At least eventually. Even in their famous butt photo Lem is almost gaging. In all those snow photos Lem is secretly fighting the urge to vomit. …It’s why his smile looks real but…just a tinge forced.
“I’m not that kind of deformed!” said Jack.
“Jack!!! Jack…it’s just like having a cleft palate.” said Lem lovingly.
And Jack knew that a woman would love to be spoken to so patiently. So…he assumed…Lem loved him…more than anything. Because to him men aren’t that patient…with a lover unless…it’s serious. Especially…when the lover is kind of scrawny…of ill health…and maybe being annoyingly dumb.
“Lem, it’s just not like that for me!” said Jack. Why be so coy and dismissive?! Because…when a Kennedy commits…he’s still got to be withholding. That includes sleeping with other people, being mean, lying, stealing and being abusive.
Lem looked at Jack while blinking…dumbly. He was getting bored.
“Lem…I love you.” Jack said, realizing he couldn’t be that mean to Lem.
Lem almost laughed at Jack. What Lem wanted to say was, “What the fuck?!?” But…Lem was trying to be nice and be gay. So Lem took a huge, exasperated breath, and patronizingly but in a loving way said, “Jack…it’s not like that. …It’s not like that for us.”
Jack felt like he’s was being taken care of. He relented. He sighed. He wondered if being so cold…since it was just two men…actually made an enormous amount of sense. He almost liked it.
Jack smiled like he had a secret. “Lem, that’s exactly the kind of relationship I want.”
Lem’s face dropped and he felt heartbroken for Jack. Was Jack genuinely not capable of romantic love?!
“But Jack, lots of people are very verbally and physically affectionate. And it’s sincere!” said Lem, with a patronizing air of authority. He seemed worried about Jack’s future if Jack couldn’t be that deep of a person.
Jack assumed Lem was sad…because he was feeling the affects of love. He didn’t take Lem’s obnoxiously patronizing tone as what it was ever. He didn’t take Lem’s condescending advice as a genuine insult to his upbringing, intelligence or character. He assumed…this was…”just Lem’s way.” And trying to be a loving husband…in his own way…he was incredibly kind and generous and patient and loving.
Jack looked at him with aroused male eyes. He smiled gleefully. He laughed.
Lem was repulsed. He calmed himself.
Kick walked in. Watched. She knew Jack thought of Lem as his boyfriend. She looked at Lem being annoyed and repulsed and assumed that men would be like that when they were falling in love with her or even having profound sexual feelings for her. Especially when they were posh and British.
“Lem!! Billings is a British name? Right?!” she asked awkwardly.
Lem smiled. And really…Jack should have noticed that Lem was aroused for real by Kick just slightly…but enough to demonstrate that he wasn’t attracted to him (if he wasn’t, of course) but…he completely missed it. He completely missed the non-verbal cue.
“Yeah…it’s British!” said Lem with a huge smile.
Kick wasn’t the least bit surprised. Of course Lem would flirt with her. The strategy intrigued her. Lem was…clearly a genius.
“So tell me more about England!” said Kick. She sat down next to her brother and they allowed themselves the opportunity to be kind to the English, as the good Irish-American Nazis they were.
But Lem…was like the Bush family. Whereas as a Banks might understand the cultural significance of their Irish question…a Billings was set off on an egotistical rampage.
Lem got cold, indifferent and felt suddenly set free. He suddenly strongly felt that he wasn’t gay. He felt that he was…free.
“My ancestors fought against the British actually!” Lem said violently.
Jack and Kick became confused. They smiled trying to be nice in the face of Lem’s possible stupidity.
“But there are British people in the US who still value their English heritage. I know there are!” said Jack.
Lem looked confused. “You mean like Benedict Arnold?!?” he said intently and indignantly.
Jack worried Lem really wouldn’t work out. Possibly for real. He suddenly subconsciously felt less hurt by Lem’s actual rejection of him.
“Lem there are men who have fun, drinking and…being rich…and who might even be more elite than your family…who still see themselves as being English.” said Jack with growing rage.
He may have been literally thinking of Thomas Banks. Lacey’s father. At least he had him grouped into a larger group of men like him.
Lem was hurt by that…and scared at the same time. Something about him in that moment, being there…seemed incredibly dangerous and possibly truly perverse. But he couldn’t quite figure out what it was.
“Jack the thing that you don’t seem to understand is that we fought against the British even if we were British by origin doesn’t mean that we’re British that’s just where our people came from. We fight against them in the Revolutionary War. A lot of those people you’re talking about were really rich back in England. My family might not have been that rich in England. I mean, we weren’t necessarily poor like peasants, but when we came here we became American in our mind; I’m an American Jack!” said Lem trying to still feel important.
Lem’s sudden genuine insecurity about his social class went entirely over Jack’s head for the most part. Not entirely though, but for the most part.
“Lem, don’t worry about it. Your ancestors in England were a lot wealthier than mine in Ireland. We would’ve done anything to be like you ancestors in England.” said Jack suddenly feeling confused about his identity.
Lem suddenly worried he was really gay because how could Jack have read him so well unless if they were really in love. Jack also seemed a lot smarter and more insightful to Lem than he actually was.
“Lem, I mean what do you want from me we’re Irish Catholic, we’re not like you?!” Jack said feeling confused and hurt both.
Lem subconsciously felt free again. Lem worried he was secretly becoming a Benedict Arnold.
Noticing Lem’s sudden unease, thinking that it was a bad thing Kick chimed in, “So you boys are headed to Germany?!?”
“Yeah, we’re gonna do Germany!” said Jack like he was hinting at a honeymoon. He laughed and smiled.
“Jack, you are so gross! You cannot be planning on having sex with everyone in Germany!” said Kick sincerely laughing.
As it was a lovely thought to think of Jack having sex with everyone but him Lem smiled. It was a reflex. He didn’t mean to smile. Thinking that him having sex with lots of other people made Lem happy, Jack thought “I want to do that anyway and if it makes Lem happy, I’ll do it! Because I want to do it anyway and…ahh…Lem seems to think it’s really attractive.”
“Makes you smile huh son?! Stick with me, son, stick with me!!” said Jack in a faux smarmy voice. He bounced his eyebrows up and down in delight and grinned. “Ha! We shall…ignite Berlin!”
Lem, who realized that Jack might actually expect sex from him on the vacation was repulsed and feeling like a silly frigid shrewish woman…until he was confused. His face contorted.
“Jack, what do you mean?! Set Berlin on fire?!” asked Lem, sincerely.
Jack suddenly worried Lem was straight. Disturbingly straight.
“It was…on fire during World War I.” said Lem.
Jack looked worried. Was Lem going insane?!
“Lem, there’s not going to be a war. Don’t worry, my dad is working the entire thing out so stick with me. …I know how to take care of people.“ said Jack reassuringly and tenderly.
Lem however, didn’t hear a word Jack said other than, “My dad is working the entire thing out!”. And in confusion he glanced over at Jack and said, “Jack we’re going to war with Germany. Maybe not for another 10 to 15 years but it’s probably likely to happen.”
Jack thought, “10 to 15 years?”
“Why do you think it’s going to be inevitable that they’ll be war within 10 to 15 years, Lem.” said Jack like a grand statesman in training.
Lem had to really think…very deeply for a second or two. “I think it really is just the fact that they’ve been building up their arsenal when you build up your arsenal, you have to eventually use it. Or it’s a waste of money generally speaking.” said Lem.
Thinking that that was the most brilliant thing that he’d ever hurt Jack said, “Lem, I wanna know everything about you. I want to know everything about the art of war and life.”
Feeling repulsed, “Jack, we’re men we don’t talk like this to each other like this! That’s something you could say to, I guess a creepy woman that could fight in a war or some weird thing like that, but I’m a man.” said Lem.
Jack felt depressed. And alone. “Lem, I’m still fascinated by what you have to say about war.”
“I mean I guess you know you could talk to my wife. If I had one she’d probably have to be a lesbian but I’m not her and I’m sure she would be disgusting. I’m just not that interested in this topic.” said Lem.
“Why would you think that your wife would have to be an ugly lesbian?!” asked Jack.
“Because I am a homosexual, and the only woman that would ever be able to handle my lack of interest in them would I have to be a lesbian.“ said Lem.
“You don’t think you could probably marry a really beautiful woman. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about, you sound like an idiot!” said Jack.
“Jack I’m not that good looking; I’m kind of ugly.” said Lem sincerely.
Jack thought. “I mean you’re not like the most good-looking man I’ve ever seen. I am a lot better looking than you; compared to me you’re ugly. But a lot of people are ugly compared to me.” said Jack sincerely.
“I I just I think I think a lesbian would have to be with me because I don’t desire women in the way that a normal man does.” said Lem.
“Well, I mean you’re still attracted to women, though all men are.” said Jack.
“Jack do we have to talk about that?!” said Lem with fervent, stoic grief.
“Yes we have to talk about that because sometimes I don’t think you know what you’re talking about. You find women attractive, so do I, all men do and that has nothing to do with homosexuality?” said Jack.
“Jack I don’t think you understand what you’re saying when you say that about me and anything that we could do together that would ever make us happy.” said Lem.
“Lem what is happiness to you, because to me happiness is when I’m with you.” said Jack.
“Not with me, Jack! I’m not always happy when I’m with you, you really irritate me at times! How do you not understand that when I say no I mean no I don’t wanna talk about this!” said Lem.
Not understanding that Lem was actually straight and totally repulsed by him sexually Jack fervently marched forward with his heart. He wondered if Lem really just didn’t know what was best for himself and needed a little guidance and help in a very masculine way. He recalled his brother saying from experience that sometimes you have to force yourself on women because they don’t know that they want it as much as you do. But it’s not rape because they actually want it. They just can’t ask for it; they feel embarrassed by it or something or they’re just too feminine and confused. And so he said, “You know Lem, sometimes my mom gets irritated by my dad. And it has a lot to do with money it’s not that my dad owns my mom it’s that he just has a lot of money and her family had some money but not as much as my dad does at this point in his life as a man. And I kind of wonder if we’re a lot like my parents.” I I I
Feeling like Jack might be understanding the nature of their relationship slightly better Lamb shook his head, yes and then said, “I am not like your mom or your dad in a way I’m more like you, but what we have is totally different than them and it’ll never be like that ever. I will never make you as happy as your mom made your dad or your dad made your mom, especially on their wedding night because sometimes I think Jack that…I’m barely a person at all.”
Thinking that he was still going to be fervently capable of rescuing love from his sad darkness, “ Lem’s, I have faith in you I have faith in myself I have faith in this country, and I have faith that there are a lot of things that we don’t know about ourselves.” said Jack Kennedy thinking about their upcoming vacation. “I think when we’re in Germany, we should probably try to explore ourselves as much as possible. I want you to take lots of sexy photos of me, focus on my penis I’ll stick out my tongue like I’m giving a woman oral sex but just know that I’m thinking of you.”
“Jack, that’s not gonna make a good photo.” said Lem, repulsed and serious at the same time.
“I think it’s probably gonna look a lot better than you think. I think we’re gonna have a lot of fun. …I don’t think you have any idea…what I am going to do to you in Germany.” said Jack.
And Lem really didn’t know. He really didn’t know what Jack had in mind. If he’d thought about it he would have, but he just heard Jack say the dumbest comment that he’d heard anyone say about war. Because it was obvious that the start of World War I happened because Germany kept building up. And he couldn’t imagine that someone could think that that was an intelligent observation in the late 1930’s. So he didn’t think Jack would be likely to know about anything homosexual, that would be terrifying to him to considered doing in Europe. If he had, he might not have wanted to go on the trip to Europe with Jack but he didn’t think about it. He just assumed that it would just be fun and frivolity in a non-sexual, platonic way. Which is really actually very stupid, but Lem didn’t think through the fact that he was going on a vacation with someone who thought very, very differently than him. And he had a tendency to think Jack was an idiot. He doubted it..but he generally didn’t think Jack was really as smart as his brother.
A Sparrow Alighted Upon Our Shoulder by Johann Jóhannsson plays.
And so Jack Kennedy and Lem set off for Nazi Germany.
And so Jack Kennedy and Lem Billings set off for Nazi Germany.
…John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Kirk Lemoyne Billings took their storied, romanticized, possibly WILDLY MISUNDERSTOOD vacation…to NAZI GERMANY.
Nazi Germany.
Jack Kennedy took Lem Billings on a homosexual vacation…in his youth…to Nazi Germany.
“Jack, did you know that the Nazis were planning to exterminate the homosexuals in concentration camps?“ asks Michael Rockefeller.
“No. I did not. …Well…I mean, yeah. But…we weren’t Jewish. And I was rich. And…I thought nothing like that could ever happen to me or probably to Lem…either.” says Jack Kennedy.
“So you knew he was straight!” says Michael.
“Mostly.” says Jack.
“And you cling to things. Don’t you, Jack.” says Michael. “Not necessarily to God.”
“Yes!” says Jack slightly indignantly.
“But it was delusional to assume Lem was queer at all. And it was delusional to think going to Nazi Germany for butt sex, homosexual oral sex and anal toys was safe.” says Michael Rockefeller. “You know…I didn’t go to the Asmats for sex. But…weirdly people think that. Because of you?”
“Well, I can’t help that you were poor.” says Jack without thinking.
“By comparing the two situations we can see that what Jack said just now was brilliant!” says Ted Sorensen.
“That’s not how he meant it.” says Michael.
The Kennedys look horrified and the Kennedy Administration holdouts are becoming egotistically enraged.
“The Nesheims are poor! Not the Rockefellers!” yells Jack.
“Just like how Ethel is profoundly more beautiful than Lacey. You kept telling Lacey that she shouldn’t compare herself to Ethel because it’d make her feel insecure.” says Lem seriously.
“Yeah! I like my wife’s nose.” says Bobby.
“But her nose is HIDEOUS compared to Lacey’s.” says Lem.
“That’s not true!!!” yells Bobby Kennedy.
“You don’t get it?! I’m being serious!” yells Lem.
“So am I! It’s France!” says Bobby. “Her nose looks like a country and by virtue of France’s beauty she’s ipso facto superior. Lacey looks like a beautiful woman. And Marilyn was a whore! And so…it’s better to be ugly…and rich than beautiful. Because of France and Marilyn.” says Bobby Kennedy completely sincerely…and seriously.
“Bobby that’s insane.” says Lem sincerely.
“No, because I’m saying this…for good reasons.” says Bobby. “I love Ethel!!”
Jean nods her head and smiles. “I’m the one people forget exists.”
“People have mostly forgotten about me too at this point.” says Ted.
“Bobby, that’s wonderful that you love your wife, but you’ve become a dangerous lunatic in thinking that she’s actually superior in any real way to other women. I’m sorry.” says Lem seriously.
“So how was Nazi Germany?“ says Lacey.
Michael laughs.
“I got raped!” says Lem.
“But I didn’t necessarily know that that’s what I was doing.” says Jack Kennedy.
“But that’s what you were doing!” says Lem’s dad.
“I just thought it would be fun to go to Nazi Germany and meet the people that my father and my family loved.” says Jack.
“But that’s why…umm…you were shot. They may have hatched a plan to start murdering people in your family because of that vacation.” says a German Nazi.
“That cannot be true that that cannot be true!” says Bobby Kennedy in despair and denial.
“How does that not make absolute sense like perfect sense of the so-called Kennedy curse?“ asks Michael.
“Michael you really were poor weren’t you?“ says Eunice on instinct.
“Yes, that makes no sense either. What makes you think that right now in your dead person logic?” asks Michael.
“Because it seems like you’re trying to prove that the Nasheims are rich by insinuating that the Nazis didn’t love us and that Lem was straight! I see through you and Lacey. I am rich, I am a big deal and I am beautiful and I don’t think you understand how lowly you are compared to me.” says Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
“Why the hell do you pronounce their name like that…you know that’s not their name or do you lie to yourself every time you look up stuff on the computer by misspelling their fucking name you dipshit idiot whore?” asks Lem losing his temper.
“Lem they should’ve had an easier name to spell or they’re not elite.” says Eunice seriously. “Norwegians have such difficult names to spell and that’s why they’re poor and stupid and fucking ugly compared to me.”
“The Nesheims in Norway were extraordinarily wealthy. …It might actually be a somewhat German name. Or the Crafts…that’s what I was thinking of! The problem is Eunice these people really are very rich and Nesheim is actually a far nicer name than Kennedy.” says a German Nazi from World War II.
“No I I remember Lacey‘s aunt I met her and I know who her aunt was. I met her quite a few times and no..I mean she went to a party once we threw in Martha’s Vineyard and she met Joan too. But my impression was that they were poor farm people and that was my impression.” says Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
“What was the last name that Maria gave you?“ asks Red Fay.
“Well her name was Seay, not Nasheim Nesheim. I suppose is her mothers, maiden name and that’s ridiculous, but-“ says Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
“But Seay is a very old southern name. The Seays were wealthy in the 1700s and they were English.“ says Truman Capote stating fact.
“Yeah, and what did she you? What did she tell you? What did Maria tell you if you ever even talked to her about it which I doubt you even did but if you did what did she tell you?“ says Lem.
“I had the impression that they were Cajun Irish peasants.” says Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
“We knew that you were probably raping Lem, but we wanted to see what would happen. Yah, that’s what happened if we actually killed your family because of that…stupid narcissistic vacation! You should have known that he wasn’t interested in you at all in that way.” says a German Nazi from World War II to Jack.
“Cajun Irish peasants?! If that was really the impression she gave you why did you believe her that’s not what she looked like.” says Lem.
“Well because that’s what she would’ve said that’s what she said, and she sounded believable.” says Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
“Yeah, because that’s probably what she thought. And I would’ve known that that was completely ironic. I talked to her about it myself, but that was the impression she got and honestly it’s a thing in the Nesheim family to pretend to be poor. I’m sorry that what I just said wasn’t clear but I’m still struggling to breathe. Thanks to your family Eunice. I’m not even 40 but because I was thrown down the stairs, I’ve had Covid and I’m being sadistically tortured because you guys can’t handle that Lem was probably straight…I can barely breathe…you silly little stupid bitch. You’re not superior to the Rockefellers you moronic dog woman.
I cannot get over how dumb you are!! …People like Maria and the Nesheims and the Seays love to manipulate people into thinking things that are stupid for them to think. And they don’t do it in some way that’s offensive to your ego. They do it in a way that will make you at the time feel really good about yourself. And that’s there a little game. …If you buy their bullshit they play you and take advantage of you because they think you deserve it. And if you don’t buy it, then they have to contend with you as more of an equal. …But, and that gives them respect for you, because they’re incredibly rational people like profoundly rational people because they realize if there’s a limit to evil, there’s probably entire country called Norway that’s like that. And before you stupidly resort to some ‘Jewish premise,’ they’re not Jewish you idiot they don’t like how weak you are. …The entire country of Norway is like that they can’t stand weakness. It is literally abhorrent to them in themselves and in other people; it’s disgusting to them.
So on that premise, I think they thought they could be even helping to teach you a lesson long-term basically to not dumb yourself down or to be so weak, because being weak to them allows somehow for evil or something along those lines.
I might not genetically be a Nesheim. I might be illegitimately Norwegian on my mother’s side and not on my father side. And I have a feeling my Norwegian relatives were probably softer, gentler people, but they were still Norwegian. I don’t know maybe in the 1400s they were Gaelic or English or welsh I or Scottish I have no idea. But the point is the Nesheims are the pride of the Norwegians and if I’m illegitimate, the Norwegian in me was proud to be associated with those people…because they’re incredibly proud of Norway, they’re brilliant skiers, excellent swimmers, good sailors and they’re just…tough as nails and tough as nails doesn’t even begin to describe how a tough they really are.
So the thing is, I am quite sure to Maria Seay it was fun to tell you a yarn that could be true. And then a part of her is a Nesheim and I don’t know what she was thinking. …It was probably entirely subconscious, but yes, her mother’s maiden name was Nesheim and her father’s name was Seay and they are old southern aristocrats…in a sense. Not ahh…not like upper class upper class, but they were probably upper class in their community upper middle class maybe in general. Maybe upper class in their community and upper class in general as well, but to a lesser degree in general.
The thing is though if she thought she was poor, I don’t know that she was ashamed of it. It’s more of a it’s more of an issue of pride in North Dakota and especially the Nesheim famiky. Their poverty is, I don’t completely understood because I don’t think like them, but it’s they don’t see it as an issue of shame to them. Somehow it makes them superior to other people. But I don’t know if it’s because of the oil or if it’s because of the enormous amount of land that North Dakotans have or if it’s because of both…umm or just the idea that they were pioneers in the rougher part of the Midwest. Western North Dakota, North Dakota, in general is rough. It was rough for the pioneers not as much later, but in a sense it still was because it’s like the literal Wild West; or the beginning of the literal Wild West. …But cowboys and cowgirls live in Wyoming or Montana or possibly they used to live in California. They don’t live in North Dakota. North Dakotans don’t call themselves cowboys as they are not quite like that but they probably should have but they didn’t. I don’t know what lie that is there but they’re very smug about it. I think it’s possible they knew the land was both good for ranching and farming in the 30s. …Maybe they knew that they could live through the Great Depression cause the land already had a tendency towards drought. …But essentially you may have been had, Eunice, by Maria.” says Lacey.
“Why did she think they were Cajun?!” asks Eunice.
“Because I don’t know… What?! It was just fun for her? …Maybe she went down there and she liked the cooking. That’s the Seay I think that’s a southern thing they they kind of get a kick out of half-truths because sometimes the truth is just not quite right or they don’t quite know it or it’s just fun to lie just…a tiny bit.” says Lacey.
“So she likes the cooking and decided she was Cajun?!” asks Eunice.
“Oh, somewhat…I think that idea was that they were French and that they liked the idea of being French Cajuns or something because they knew that they came from the south and their father’s hair was really dark and thick and they assumed that they were Cherokee or Cajun or something exotic and fascinating like that.” says Lacey.
“And that’s not accurate is it? It was a stretch to think they were French.” says Eunice.
“No actually it’s not because the name ironically – and yet probably not entirely ironic because they’re very smart – was French in the 13or 1400s, in probably northern France near Normandy, if I’m not mistaken.” says Lacey.
“So they got the sense that they were somewhat French possibly intuitively and then took it way too far in a very old southern, lackadaisical, romantic, Zelda Fitzgerald Way.” says Lem.
Jack smiles.
“I think you thought Lem was a southern poor boy from an old money, southern family, and that’s not who he was Jack. It’s weird, it’s almost like you invented a character where it’s like he’s Lacey‘s cousin…and then he’s still himself but he’s different too.” says Harold Loeb. “You’re all gobsmacked right now by your pure stupidity and shittiness. Why are you all surprised?! You declared war on Lacey Banks! …Jack ruined her life Lem very well may have actually been straight and then you somehow think that it’s just all gonna work out in the wash, Bing it, Bing it a boom.” says Harold Loeb.
“Oh, no, we’re still incredibly common. I Mrs. we really are.” says Toddy Nesheim.
“I mean yeah you really were and you still are.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..
Toddy nods, and then walks off.
“That was not a snub. That was an admission of guilt.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. triumphantly.
“No he’s been listening to this conversation potentially, but he just can’t process it much like you keep being told that I wasn’t in love with you and I wasn’t gay.” says Lem to Eunice, Kick, Ethel, Rose, Jackie, Pat, Jean, Kick, Rosemary, Joan, and every other female in the Kennedy’s, Skakel’s, Fitzgerald’s and Shriver’s and Lawford’s…and any related family to exist.
“Are we all too ugly?!” asks Kick.
“YES!!!” yells Lem. “But it’s not just that!” He fumes. “I don’t like most of you as people!! And…you’re just…all wrong. You’re not my type and I care about that.”
“So you didn’t care about men though?” asks a Millennial woman of Lem.
“Umm…no, no I did not. I I ended up with Jack. I didn’t analyze it. I didn’t feel anything for him. I just kind of ended up with him.“ says Lem.
“But then you just admitted that you were gay!” says Eunice.
“No, I did not. I just explained how I didn’t give two fucking shits about Jack and you didn’t want to hear it that way.” says Lem.
“But you have to listen to your own words to figure out what you feel about things. Because there’s no way that we don’t know more than you because we listen to your words and then we know more about you than you do because we’re smarter and better than you.” says Kick to Lem seriously.
“Yes, I was always the smartest man in the room that is correct daughter! Very, good job!”says J. P. Kennedy to Kick.
“Ok but Kick that’s not reality. I know more about myself than you know about me. And really what you just said was more of a revelation of how you work with your counselors and the fact that you’re not really very intellectually astute.” says Lem to Kick.
“Well oh, OK!” says Kick.
“It’s just so weird to think of you as being around all of us and never finding us attractive I think as women it’s just extremely painful.” says Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy.
“Yes, I’ve become aware of that.” says Lem to Rose.
Later.
“Sexy fuck, sexy fuck, sexy fuck!” are the only lyrics to the song playing. It’s a repetitive like set to the sound of Baby Got Back but…not by Sir Mix-a-lot. It’s instead a sort of bootleg version of Baby Got Back.
Bobby Kennedy Jr. pulls down his shorts to his knees…and they do a back-up dance. And by they I mean him and his team. Really, it’s just him dancing. But it’s the analyzed dance that his team suggested he should do to get his message of ownership of Lacey and Lem’s actual souls, lives and body’s across. Of course he suggested it was also very much about the US Presidency and the fact that he firmly believes he’s already won. According to his soothsayers in the Illuminati and elsewhere he can guarantee a win based on their intuitions. And to him that’s a guaranteed victory. No questions asked. 100%.
“I hate Booing Aurlines.” says his sister.
Ethel claps her hands. Joins in dancing by shaking her behind. It resembles a literal rain dance from…possibly Eastern Central Africa. She does not realize that. Truly. She thinks it’s something she’s inventing right now…for the first time in human history.
“Sexy fuck, sexy fuck, sexy fuck.” plays.
Bobby Kennedy Jr. bends his knees, spreads out his feet, and then does waves with his arms and hands.
Everyone there stands and watches with a combination of horror, shock, embarrassment and either deadly despair or increasing mirth.
“This ass…is…a great ass. When I become the second President John F. Kennedy of the…United…States…I’ll be a great US President. Not just a…u…US…US President.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..
Ethel claps her hands. She nods her head in a look of Paul Wellstone rally circa 1993 meets golf tournament audience member. You see her say, “Yup!”
“I’m A WINNER!!!!” yells Bobby into a loudspeaker.
With his bleach white, small, virtually meaningless penis limply hanging in the front…and his saggy butt exposed he literally backs up. As in, he scoots backwards on his feet like a sort of weird, awkward moonwalk.
He laughs. And at that photographers jump forward and start shooting photos of his naked behind. Ethel laughs to signal that it’s safe, family friendly and Christian if…being Christian…is still cool.
“Sexy fuck, sexy fuck, sexy fuck!” plays in the background.
Someone does the 1990’s cool-kid hand signal for “turn up the music.”
“Sexy fuck, sexy fuck, sexy fuck!” plays louder.
Bobby poses in place for photographs he is faking because he paid for them. He adamantly refuses to accept that he’s faking it. So…he violently pretends to be obliging the photographers. Ethel looks concerned about the paparazzi.
“Sexy!!! Ass!!! Sexy!!! Ass!!” Bobby starts a chant.
People he’s paid, his real supporters and Cheryl joining him now start chanting. “Sexy ass! Sexy ass!”
Balloons fall from a net overhead.
Of course…they chant out of synch with the music. It’s…funny. Sexy and fuck meet at the same time in one place. But then…ass and sexy…
“Does it sound like they’re saying, ‘Sexy fuck-ass?!?” says Lem.
“Or is it…fuck-ass sexy?!” jokes Michael.
Lacey sighs.
The American flag is then shoved-up Bobby Kennedy Jr.’s ass hole by his mom, Ethel. As in a pristine flag belonging to a Vietnam veteran’s wife who denied Covid and is dying in the hospital with no family…in her 80’s…is stolen by the Illuminati to be shoved-up his butthole.
“Lube-er-up!!!” yells Bobby’s brother into a loudspeaker.
Ethel takes out gay sex lube…and Cheryl drapes the American flag over a silicone dildo. Then Ethel lubes the flag and shoves it up Bobby’s ass hole.
“Better than getting the…shit they put in the vaccines nowadays!” yells Bobby into a microphone. “When I was destroying Monsanto…with my ass…I knew this day would come.”
The crowd becomes silent.
“I just want to take a moment to thank Dave Brooks. Mark Sutcloff. The Ansheerp Foundation. Betty and George. And…my family.”
“Yeah!!” says a black woman suddenly who seemingly agrees?
“It’s been a long, hard road to the White House.” Bobby then says very seriously. “I’m standing here right now because of the support of my family, friends and all of you.”
His family nods.
“I don’t have a clue…how…to begin…to thank all of you.” he says gravely. “But someday…Cheryl and I…will do our best.” Everyone looks indescribable in their…varying emotions.
The music dims.
Ethel sighs.
“I’m a daddy’s boy. I am!!” says Bobby jokingly. “And if my father were here today…they’d find this hilarious!”
His supporters laugh.
“Next summer I’m…taking Cheryl to Antarctica. But right now let’s focus on the election. This year is a year of healing.” He looks around to arouse the audience. “We are going to heal this country!”
His supporters and family clap.
“I’m a uniter. Not a divider!” Bobby Kennedy Jr. says seriously. “I don’t think-“
A man in the audience laughs with Bobby Jr. on cue.
“I don’t think you know the thought that went into this joke.” He bends forward in laughter. “When I talked to Dave and Miranda about this night…they said, ‘Bobby, go big! Make a really strong statement about the meaning of victory, courage, strength and dignity!”
Bobby Kennedy Jr.’s supporters clap, nod.
“I am a man who likes to fuck!” yells Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “And I am going to own it! I love fucking!!! I LOVE FUCKING!!” he yells.
His supporters clap and nod.
“I love sex!! I love family! I love love!!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..
His supporters clap.
“And with that in mind…let’s light up!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. And at that Cheryl pulls out a lighter to cheers. She raises the lighter in the air and then cheers start.
Spring from Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons plays.
Cheryl takes the lighter and to cheers and champagne bottles being popped…lights the American flag up Bobby’s butthole on fire. Standing there with his butt about to be lit on fire…he starts talking.
“My family has a history of being the royalty of this great country…and as such…I want you to know that I support you! I support your efforts to make a different in people’s lives and bring positive change to the world and to yourselves. You…are…me! I am not you!! But…together we can bring prosperity, freedom, virtue and dignity back to each and every table and state!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..
The fire reaches Bobby’s literal naked butt.
“Oh!!! There it is!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr.. “Cheryl just literally lit a fire to my ass…and now I’ll symbolically run. Because it’s May. May 27th and I have two days to make it to a birthday party in Heaven to kickstart my own Presidency. I’m gonna run! And it’ll be painful. And it’ll be difficult to make it! But this time a Kennedy won’t let the flame go out before you are represented by your President the way you want! I use humor not punishments in my administration and I allow for fun! God bless you Uncle Jack!”
And at that he takes off running around the room. His skin starts burning and yet he is only starred at by his supporters.
“I love you all!!!” Bobby says before succumbing to the pain of being lit on fire. He falls to the ground and a group of his supporters grab the salt shakers on the food tables and pour salt on the fire. They race back and forth trying to extinguish the flames and after four salt shakers are emptied he’s extinguished.
With a serious injury to his ass he lays writhing and screaming in pain. A man who grew-up in a Charismatic church feels the need to grab a microphone. He has since left the church and come out as gay.
“I just feel led to say, ‘LOVE WINS!!!’” he says before putting the microphone down and racing back to his seat.
Bobby falls unconscious.
In an hour the police are called. He’s still alive.
More later.
Turns out…some people don’t exist? Why?! Because they’re too offended that they’re not old money elite. They give themselves lots of convoluted excuses but…Lacey highly suspects they’re essentially materialists who have trouble appreciating life as life itself.
“You seem…troubled.” a New Age astrologer harasses Lacey by saying.
“You seem…troubled.” a Charismatic Christian says to Lacey.
“You seem….troubled.” said Jonah Wiley to Lacey.
“You seem…troubled.” said a woman on Instagram who was a content creator fascinated by Lacey.
“How…does she seem troubled?” asks Lem.
They all laugh like they’re in a self-help group for dealing with Lacey.
“What?!” asks Lem, smiling.
“It’s a red day!” says the astrologer.
“Bop!” says the Charismatic Christian.
“I don’t know!” says the content creator. “Ask Lacey!”
“In the name of…I…no….I…” says the Charismatic Christian.
“This is…not…my blog.” says Jonah indignantly.
“So…what does any of that mean?!” asks Lem.
“We don’t need to explain! The onus is on you!” says the astrologer.
“How?!” asks Lem.
“Because you are harassing us. And you’re sooo aroused by me.” says the astrologer to Lem.
“No, I’m not.” says Lem. “A demon or Joe Kennedy might be. Or Jack. But I’m not.”
“But Lacey’s job is to be subhuman for cool peasants. She attracts good men and then we steal them. For real. The entirety of America decided that in the late 1970’s.” says the astrologer.
“So…Jonah…are you…bisexual?” asks Lem.
“I’m open to Christ.” says Jonah.
“Okay…so…I’m not comfortable with my perspective.” says the astrologer.
“Huh. So…why is Lacey troubled?” asks Lem.
“Umm…she makes me angry.” says Jonah.
“So you’re in love with her or she’s stealing me?” asks Lem.
“I’m not…in love…because I’m…straight.” says Jonah.
“If you’re lying, I know that!” says Lem.
“I really don’t think I’m at all gay…but…it scares me. And I don’t like that. I’m not JFK reincarnated! …But…it’s scary.” says Jonah.
“It’s scary?!” asks Lem.
“Okay…it’s mostly I’m straight. But I’m…not…straight.” says Jonah.
“But…could you lie about it to a girlfriend?!” asks Lem.
“Yeah.” says Jonah.
“Hmm. So…are you all angry because you feel guilty Lacey is sad?!?” says Lem.
“Yes! We all feel guilty.” says the content creator.
“So…she’s not troubled. You’re all just trying to feel less guilty? But in an astonishingly evil, psychopathic way?” asks Lem.“
“Mmm…but she’s a gibbity.” says the astrologer.
“What’s that?!” asks Lem.
“A Rockefeller, basically. But…if we kill her…or molest her…or…torture her the US should still be successful to Jesus.” says the astrologer.
“That’s an evil lie.” says Lem.
“Why do we think that??” she asks.
“Because you think I’m evil.” says Michael.
“Yes! Because we think the Rockefellers are evil.” says the astrologer.
“Yeah! But…that’s…difficult to talk about clearly.” says Michael.
A few moments later
“I’m not sure why we’re even talking about this Lem!” says Michael.
Lem starts dozing off. “Why?” he asks.
“Bobby was just pulled out of the icu in our story.” says Michael.
“Wow!” says Ethel.
“Yeah. Why did you do that to him?!” Michael asks her.
“I just…thought it was…political…culture.” says Ethel.
“Huh. So…you’re either deranged…or…” says Michael.
“How was our sex trip to Germany for you, Lem?” asks Jack.
“Hmm. On a scale of 0 being in the concentration camps…and 10 being in Heaven…it was in the 0 area.” says Lem.
“Yeah! For me it was a 9 or 10. But…it wasn’t real. And then it’s just an 8.” says Jack.
“Even though for me it was a 0?!” asks Lem.
“Your experience isn’t the point.” says JFK.
“Why?!” asks Lem.
“Because I have good memories.” says JFK.
“But I don’t.” says Lem.
“That’s…not real.” says JFK.
“No, it is real. You’re perception wasn’t real. How do you not understand that?!” asks Lem.
“So what we did meant nothing to you??” asks JFK.
“It was rape.” says Lem.
“But then that means…I raped you.” says JFK.
“Yeah!!!” says Lem.
“So I raped you?!?” scoffs JFK.
“Yes, why did we ever assume it was anything else?!” asks Lem.
“Because I thought rape was…not real.” says JFK.
“So…when you’d threaten to leave me in Nazi Germany if I didn’t kiss you or give you head…that was me consenting?” says Lem.
“Yeah! Because you’d have been able to get back!” says JFK.
“You threatened my life.” says Lem.
“Why did you put up with that?!” asks JFK.
“Because I think…I had a survival instinct. And…I thought I deserved it for being gay.” says Lem.
“So like if you were with-Lem would you rape Lacey?!?” asks JFK.
“Yes! But that isn’t rape. And she’s my wife. I’m talking about actual rape.” says Lem.
“I never raped Jackie but I raped her.” says JFK.
“Okay. Deal with God.” says Lem.
“I raped you and I…regret it…but….I struggle with sexual violence tendencies in that way.” says JFK.
“Well, we don’t have anything. Not Paris, or snow…or fun…or photography…or art…or music…or sex…or sex…or…romance…or…Berlin. We don’t have Cape Cod. Or Mae West or singing. Or movies. It doesn’t seem to register to you that I hate you and wasn’t gay at all…and that everything we ever did together doesn’t mean anything to me anymore in an at all positive way. Jack…your life with me wasn’t real. That’s what happens when you rape someone. You don’t have anything real potentially at all after that. And honestly…if you were normal in that way we wouldn’t have been friends almost at all. If at all. …You created a false premise. And…then after that it became evil and-I’m…sad to hear that you don’t yet understand what you really experienced or did.” say Lem.
“Well…I’m shocked.” says JFK.
“I’m stopping this conversation now.” says Lem to JFK.
A moment later, “Time for bed.” Lem says to Lacey.
Keen to Cross the Pond 