This morning Lacey had a dream that she was in an old store and she was alone. And when she woke up. she was lonely. And when she asked Lem how much he loved her and how beautiful he thinks she is to test him he told her that she is extraordinarily beautiful and that he would never let anyone have her for all of eternity, and he didn’t want to be with anyone else for all of eternity. …And then Michael showed up and Michael wanted to point out to them that as long as Lem hovers over Lacey and that’s what he was apparently doing in the dream and doesn’t unite with her that he Michael will have the ability to talk to Lacey.
Is Lacey with Lem for eternity? Is Lem right or is Michael right in his questioning of the whole thing or is Louis right in his questioning of the whole thing. Lacey hates the situation.
Lem grew-up wealthy, despite with JFK may think or have thought when he met Lem after Lem’s family lost their money in the Stock Market Crash of 1929. Louis grew-up extraordinarily wealthy, and then he gave it all away. Michael is a Rockefeller and we’ll leave it at that. Harold Loeb came for one of the wealthiest and oldest Jewish families in US history.
Louis was born in 1902, Lem was born in 1916 Harold born in the 1800s, Michael was born in 1938.
Lacey has endless files on these men as individuals that she analyzes. But in truth she really just wants the one who loves her the most to claim her and if that has happened the Illuminati or the demonic realms that bother humans who are alive or bother humans who are in Purgatory or the dead people who can’t let go have made it impossible for her experience that. And if Lem is to be believed, it’s already over, but when she becomes harassed and sad and scared it’s Michael who she turns to or Louis not Lem.
“Why doesn’t she just turn to God when she’s harassed and sad and scared?!” asks Summertime Sadness.
“Because I am not God. She is not God. We are not God. I am not God.” says Lem.
“She does turn to God Jonah, but men are supposed to be protective of women and love them like Christ loved the church.” says Michael.
“No, that’s not right. Humans are made to be friends with each other and never have sex or be in love. I want my wife to be my best friend like Jack was Lem’s best friend, and Lem was Jack’s best friend. I want a best friend, a nice gal-pal who I can pal around with. Play sports, fart, make stupid jokes, watch sports. …But I’m not a homosexual or bisexual or pansexual I’m straight. I just wanna wife with a strong, chin line who can punch people and watch sports with me.” says Summertime Sadness.
“Do you really mean that Jonah or have you lost your mind or been brainwashed?“ asks Michael.
“I made the comment about being Jack’s best friend at a time when men were closeted yes often when they were homosexual, but not always. And the point of that statement was actually to highlight how awful my life had been. That I had been stuck being his best friend. That I had never been lonely both in a pejorative sense, and in a positive sense. Like, ‘Gee with those people around you’ll never get lonely!’ because those people keep bothering you. And I did love them. I did love Jack. I did I cared. I cared. I cared. I did. A room at the White House and my over-exaggerated, ‘Gosh darn it, he was great!’ sarcasm as contrasted to having a life somewhere and having my own family. I said, ‘What the hell?!’ The entire thing is framed in a way, where it’s actually supposed to emphasize how bitter and furious, and bitter…and bitter I had become over the years about my life. I was not a happy man. I was not a happy man. I smiled. I tried to be kind. But in truth I was always mildly miserable. That’s why I drink so much. That’s why I did drugs. That’s why I fell apart and probably killed myself, right?” He thinks. “But because I made such a passive aggressive, bitter statement I am now reliant on Lacey‘s hope that she’s hearing from me and not being deceived by a demon.” He thinks. “Lacey is excruciatingly, honest. She is very sincerely, intellectually honest. So the first time she read it, she assumed the worst for the most part. She thought my cadence was a little off for it to mean what it’s been interpreted in the last 20 to 30 years as meaning. But she is intellectually honest, and she knows that the people publicly interpreting it may have more context than she does. Except if I am actually Lem Billings, the man who said it himself, and I’m just dead and a ghost I could either a. be lying to her or b. I could be telling her the actual truth. And I have insisted that I was straight and that I said that because I hated Jack and I was furious with him at the time that I said it. She thinks that I either was bisexual or gay, and I was somehow capable of falling in love with her and she was my exception, which is essentially bi-sexuality or she thinks that I really was straight and that she just can’t wrap her head around it. And she tries to trust me. …I’ve tried to provide her with evidence with images of my apartment. I keep trying, and I’m not ever going to give up if that’s the truth and someday, when you die, you’ll find out that it’s true too if God lets you see it if it’s the truth. …But that’s the problem isn’t it if I was straight? There is an enormous amount of pain there and suffering that I experienced and I was an incredibly sexually frustrated and famished straight man. And Lacey is my absolute ideal and I would love for her to get the concept of what it’s been like dealing with that reality. But she can’t even fully grasp the idea because she won’t let herself because she can’t let herself be deceived, and I respect that, but it’s very very irritating. …Do the Catholics have a brain outside of the Kennedys? Does Summertime Sadness, Jonah grasp the concept of a ghost or am I just a demon to him? Because to him Purgatory is Catholic even though Episcopalians believe in it, and still do if they’re honest. It’s part of Anglican tradition to believe in Purgatory. CS Lewis was not a Universalist. He was an Anglican and he definitely believed in Purgatory. The Great Divorce is about Purgatory. The LGBTQ+ community insist that I was gay and in love with Jack. Unfathomably gay. Unfathomably in love with Jack. Red Fay saying I was neutral was just another creative way of saying that I was gay. People thinking I was asexual was just another creative way of eventually thinking that I was you know gay one hundred percent, gay, 100% gay. And if I wasn’t, I’m more in love with Lacey that I could ever have been in love with any man including Jack Kennedy. Or, if I only have to say that to try to work with Lacey in the limitations of what people provide her intellectually then I was straight, I was heterosexual, and I was tortured my entire effing life. So am I a demon, a schizophrenic imagination, a lying ghost who only wishes he was Lem, or am I’m lying or am I Lem and I was actually straight and I am pissed off. I am furious because I just want to be with Lacey and it’s been ruined? It’s the latter it’s the last one I am outraged you would not want to meet me in a dark alley if you have ruined what I had planned with Lacey.”
A moment later.
“Do you have pictures of the house I grew-up in? I’m not sure if it’s relevant, but it seems like a happier topic.” says Louis.
“I think it’s relevant because I think it’s part of the reason why I can’t wrap my head around Lem as a concept.” says Lacey. “Lem if you had been raised in Louis’s house, and how Louis’s life, I would believe you so much more that you were straight.”
“Why?” asks F. Scott Fitzgerald.
“Lem I know Swickley, Pennsylvania. My ex-husband‘s parents house was featured in in a local Interior design magazine in Swickley, Pennsylvania. I doubt the people there have changed all that much. And so to me, it looks a little suspicious that you chased the Kennedys around your entire life. It just looks very suspicious. It seems as though you may be a bit wobbly and fluid in your honesty when it’s advantageous to you. I’m sure not everyone is it’s like that there. I’m sure that you may not be like that at all, but it just looks bad to me. And I’m not talking about Jewish people. I’m talking about an attitude towards wealth and self-improvement so to speak socially speaking. I Saint Paul is rough in a way and when you have a level of wealth that Michael had even if it’s not in St., Paul, it’s awful on a certain level and it changes you and forces you to deal with certain harsh truths of reality. The Kennedy kids in my opinion are unusual and that’s probably part of the reason why they’re not in the upper class in their generation, and why they’re not perceived and all sincerity as authentically old money by authentic old money today. Their entire orientation towards themselves and reality in life was middle class. It was middle-class happiness with extraordinary wealth that they were not old money fire and brimstone fear and Hell old money. Fear and Hell not fear and loathing because at the end of the day, it’s not fear and loathing it’s just fear and Hell. Right? And that’s the thing you look very J.Crew preppy Andover and sandwiches happy upper middle class to me in a way and that may not be who you really are but it definitely makes me wonder if you actually are telling me the truth. I’m not against people being happy. It just looks like you had a very sheltered, sheltered, sheltered life and if you didn’t and it was that miserable then I get lost. It’s like you lost your father, but then you found JFK and fell madly in love and you had the super secret special lap so when he died, you fell to smithereens because you just psychologically were too weak and flimsy and shells are to be able to handle it. You had an extraordinary amount of wealth, but it was in this very posh sort of ““ old money, but not really truly old money sort of way. But if that’s not true, and you actually were that tortured then no you do remind me of Louis because Louis could’ve fallen into some horrible situation like that so could’ve Harold he did. It was in the sun. Also rises of Scott Fitzgerald, it to some degree Michael was killed, or died swimming to save someone’s life of 23. I mean in a way you could say Joe Kennedy Junior had a more typical old money life in the sense that he mentally fell apart at war, and then died in some stupid accident. …And if if the Kennedys are old money at all at this point, of course they’re making fools of themselves. Of course they don’t seem larger than life anymore. And of course their mystique is falling apart because that’s typical that’s very typical. …And then people like Louis overcome the odds and become great men, at least at heart, if not, in deeds. He contributed to Minnesota being as stable and reasonable and good as it is and has been. …And that’s the thing. Was JFK your headhunter’s delight your drowning at sea, your explosion? Or was he another sort of accident? ‘Oops!’ And then you’ll just try with me again, except I’m not seemingly an easy person to love for your average Swickley gentleman possibly. …So do I go on the facts and question things that you say to me even though they’re possible? Or do I just go with the sad longing that I sense from you that makes me think maybe you were old money and maybe you actually are like Louis you just didn’t have his house when you were 18 to scare JFK off with? Because if you’d grown-up in Louis’s house, even if he thought you were a vulnerable target psychologically, he would’ve been scared shitless of who you actually were and are and maybe he wouldn’t be dead in 1965 maybe he would’ve been alive if he had realized who the fuck you actually are, if you are old money.
“The photo above was my grandfather’s house. Our house was next to his house on Summit Avenue in Saint Paul.” says Louis Hill Jr..
“The photo above this paragraph is a photo of my house.” says Louis Hill Jr..
“Those are also photos of my childhood home.” says Louis Hill Jr..
“I have a feeling it looked better when you owned it. Sorry for saying so.“ says Lacey.
“It did, and I am not sorry for saying so, as they say.” says Louis.
“I’m sorry Louis. I’m really sorry. You seem like a really nice person and I’m sorry.“ says the perfume community.
“Yeah, I have a feeling my writing probably is part of the reason he was so generous.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.
“Well do you feel like you made a difference giving all of it away or just not really?” asks an actress in the Illuminati.
“I made a difference I did, but watching my family over the years from Purgatory we’ll call it, I have come to have some regrets not about giving but about sacrificing my dignity or my rights so to speak.“ says Louis Hill Jr..
“These are photos from my former in-laws house that was featured in the interior design magazine in Swickley, Pennsylvania.” says Lacey.
“I took the photos from when they listed their house for sale because they moved to Maryland but the house was taken photos were taken of the house to be put into an actual like real interior design magazine.” says Lacey.
“Sewickley has a definite vibe.” says Lacey.
“So that’s definitely their hood?” asks Miss Emerson College.
“I completely guarantee it. I promise. They sold it and now live in Maryland.” says Lacey.
“Why did they sell it?!” asks Mr. Cologne 76.
“Because… because my former father-in-law is a financier. He’s a partner at a company. And he travels a lot all over the country often. They had a house in Maryland already next to a lake. They had a Lakehouse. And then they had a condo in eastern Pennsylvania. Basically, the gist of it is that my step mother-in-law, former set mother-in-law was trying to get my former father-in-law to be home more often. So they have a main house outside of Baltimore now in a nice neighborhood that’s new.” says Lacey.
“And you and hundred percent guarantee this is all facts true and you were not making up exaggerating anything?” asks Miss Emerson College.
“Yes, one hundred percent promise guarantee that everything I am saying and have said it’s 100% true. I mean there could be other reasons why they moved. I would be shocked if it’s financial umm…that would be really bizarre.” Lacey thinks. “They’re still well off as far as I know…I mean no, I’m not lying.”
“And you just got sick of us being fake?” asks Miss Emerson College. “That’s why you shared these years ago?”
“Yes! I have people copying me and competing with me and saying the stupidest stuff and I just lost patience with it.” says Lacey. “I mean one time Casi in all seriousness posted a photo of a house that was probably worth about $150,000 that belonged to her future in-laws and called it their ‘property’ in a pretentious stupid as fuck way probably thinking in her deranged mind that I would be genuinely threatened by that in a real way.
“Just like how her face is ugly compared to mine and yet she in her deranged stupid as fuck brain thinks that her crooked fucking mildly pretty teeth are remotely as pretty as mine, and that her obese body holds a fucking candle in hell compared to mine. Casi, are you high when you think you’re as good as me because you’re not that’s just objective fucking fact. And then she posted the stupidest shit about like, ‘Oh look at me look at my photoshopped moldy ugly face! Look at my two dollar ring from target it competes with your $50,000 ring from Bentley & Skinner, bitch!’” says Lem. “And by mine I mean my other half. Your body is hideous compared to Lacey’s. Your teeth are crooked and ugly as fuck and so is your face and your hair is like a stupid 1960’s inspired shit fest. You are the most pretentious, uptight, obnoxious person I have ever encountered and that’s saying something. …OK why did you do that to yourself? Why did you constantly compare yourself to Lacey? Because you’re always going to lose. Your family is dirt poor and you’re butt ugly and you’re an idiot compared to her with a terrible heart and yet you insisted on competing and being toxic. It’s putrid.” says Lem.
“I confided in Nancy that I was thinking about leaving my husband. I was either going to buy a beautiful house on Summit Avenue and be miserable or leave him and try to be happy and possibly just not have a house for a while because buying a house when you’re having to you know sort through a divorce is a stupid thing to do. And at first she was very nice. She was very loving. And then she turned around and like a day or a week later suddenly, she bought a house. …And I was like that’s just a coincidence and I was happy for her, but then I kept getting the sense that there was like a dig in there to me that she was like trying to get at me. And I thought no that can’t be possible but then I kept getting that sense from the way that she’d talk about. It was just the sense that I was just she always did this to me whenever I would share something that had nothing to do with her all the sudden she’d have to talk to me in some completely bizarre way or compete in some way. And I think on a certain level-I come from the family were people are like that where it’s like you compete with each other so I have some patience for it. Do you know like one person buys a house and then someone else buys a house or one person does this and then someone else does that that was the family that I was raised in. …But it was always real right like the people were always actually buying the house or playing the viola after I played the viola even if they played it for like five months and then they dropped it. They actually played the viola for five months. But the thing is it was like I realized at some point that Nancy had rented a house that she was been spending thousands of dollars to paint and ““ remodel to try to seem rich? I mean she’d sat things like it’s a completely different lifestyle to have a house. ‘Oh my gosh I have to clean my pool!’ Or it’s like, “Oh I have decided to do a blue and white theme for my kitchen. And then to be like I have 10 Birkins I bought new. I have 15 Louis Vuitton’s that I bought from their brick and mortar store. Oh my gosh I’m gonna buy a brand new Mercedes, oh my gosh my family is old money more than yours. Oh my gosh, do you have cable we have cable I bet you don’t have cable. Wow, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s $600,000 townhouse that his parents lived in and St Paul is only worth $600,000?!? Wow that’s so far beneath me that’s so cheap. But I’m not like rich because like I don’t have a private yacht and like I don’t have a private planet but basically I’m like better than you and I’m so much more old money and my family isn’t from Puerto Rico in the worst hood of Philadelphia. No I’m from Mainline Philadelphia and I grew up near Grace Kelly’s old house.’ …I mean she would go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on it was pathological lying in my estimation. …And honestly that’s what irritated me was that you guys would lie to such astronomically stupid degrees in such obvious ways. And then expect me to believe you and feel shunned and threatened, and beneath you when it was blatantly obvious that you were full of it. …And you guys it was it was it was mind-blowing to me that I that you expected me to feel threatened by you to take you seriously to think that anything you were saying was objective fact or reality at all. …And the reason I shared what I shared with you all was to psychologically cope with it in my own mind, without leaving the community, because I was having fun sharing stuff and having a following and being somewhat public in a very low-key low level way. And I was trying to get you guys to realize that you were talking to someone who was irritated with you and was hurt that you think that they were that stupid I was trying to get you guys to snap out of it.”
“I thought you were dumb.” says Casi.
“I don’t think that’s true. I think you felt insecure and incredibly, profoundly stupid by comparison to me and you dealt with an a dumb-ass narcissistic way.“ says Lem.
“We didn’t think that you’d be that bothered by us lying.” says a Dmitry.
“ you know I wasn’t as long as it didn’t become some sort of bizarre freakish attack on me personally.” says Lacey.
“Nancy visited my grave Dmitry and try to fuck it, essentially.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald. He laughs. “Nancy didn’t have any interest in me at all until Lacey started sharing about me on Instagram and then all of a sudden Nancy was magically reincarnated from the 1920s starlet and we’d been lovers in a past life. And that’s not true Nancy. I never knew you and I still don’t really know you almost at all.” He looks sick. “You knew how special I was to Lacey and you psychopathically tried to steal that from her just like you think you’re prettier than her. But in reality you’re not. It doesn’t matter how much weight you lose. It doesn’t matter how many plastic surgeries you do on your face you’re never gonna be as pretty as Zelda or Lacey or a lot of other women. …And frankly that is my grave that is my actual grave. I’m literally buried there. Why did you think it would just be completely OK with me? Do you believe in an afterlife or are you a shallow nitwit in that way as well?”
“Scott had her Nancy until you intervened, and she doesn’t even know what happened because she can’t know.” says Louis. “Lem and I had been trying to contact her for years and there’s proof of it she wrote stories about us. She used my name. But we were respecting the fact that she needed space because we’re dead and yet you couldn’t respect that much like the illuminati.” Louis thinks. “The idea was that she was trying to somehow relate to you, but now I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a psychopath.”
“Look Louis if you gave me 10 minutes I’d make you change your mind and make you think that we could be together forever because I’m just so sexy and hot and every man on earth wants to be with me.” says Lady Nancy who Lunches on diet pills. “My face that’s actually mildly ugly in reality is still somewhat superior because I did a mathematical equation and I have a perfect face mathematically speaking. I’m kind of a weird looking bitch, but sometimes I look mildly pretty, and it goes to my head and then I think I’m a goddess.”
“You do have a somewhat pretty face, but you’re really not that pretty and compared to Lacey. No, I’m sorry, you’re not pretty at all.” Lem says to Lady Nancy who lunches on diet pills.
“I’d like to help my fellow sister in the upper class of the Perfume community out because clearly she’s in the right clearly clearly she’s in the right. Nancy, I bet you do you have a title I bet you do where is it?“ asks Miss Emerson College.
“It’s in France we own five château in Normandy.” says Lady Nancy who lunches on diet pills.
“Oh, OK that that sounds believable. Sure, I believe you.“ says Miss Emerson College sincerely as she forces herself to believe Nancy.
“Where did you go to school Nancy. I bet you’d never go to a for-profit university and waste your money on a useless degree that proves nothing to the world. Where did you go to school?“ asks Miss Emerson College sincerely.
“I went to Harvard and Columbia and Cornell and the London School of Economics and Oxford College! Look, here’s my stuffed animal bear to prove that.” says. Lady Nancy who lunches on diet pills. “I had 17 boyfriends and they all gave me a stuffed animal bears. Here’s the one that I saved from my husband. He’s a businessman. He’s an international businessman. He does work in Dubai with the king of Dubai.”
“Oh my gosh, Nancy, we went hundred percent believe you and think that you are a victim of poor white trash Lacey, who is clearly an evil seductress from Hell.” says the perfume community in what seems to be either real belief or a sincere attempt to believe her.
“I used to take vacations in my childhood to castles in the south of France and when I get to America I’m going to buy a mansion on a hill just like Ronald Reagan wanted me to!” says a Suzanne who loves to smell like literal expensive poop.
“Lacey, you’re an idiot, and you don’t understand that all these women are just madly in love with you and your madly in love with them.” says a perfume gay man to Lacey.
“Where did you really go to school? Lacey you couldn’t have gone to Messiah College that’s a somewhat elite school or the University of North Dakota even. I bet you went to Poop School.” says Miss Emerson College.
“I am a nurse, but my father owned 10 expensive jewelry stores, and we were billionaires.” says a perfume collector in Sweden. “Lacey where do you get your money? Are you a prostitute? You couldn’t possibly be rich and old money and have inherited it and have gone to Messiah College the University of North Dakota know you must be a prostitute you must be.”
“I am a hideous woman with saggy boobs and I’m gonna tell you, but I was literally molested and I’m gonna literally tell you what happened to me whether it’s true or not, which is kind of creepy in pedophilic and totally inappropriate. Sometimes I corner my step-son-in-law while I’m drunk and tell him that were the only two Republicans in the room and it’s a little weird. “Well I guess it’s just us.” I once said. But never mind that I’m going to try to limit the consensual adult sex you can have with him because you’re not married yet even though you’re both almost 30 years old. And you know what else to be super cool if I could just control your entire fucking life because I can’t stand you because you’re so superior to me? I grew-up on a lower middle class to middle class farm in Kentucky but I married really well the second time and your manners irritate me because they’re sort of posh in a real way that I can’t imitate. …So here’s my thought: Your whole family are lying conniving thieves. They’re gypsies, not Norwegians and I’m pretty sure they’re en league with the devil or Vladimir Putin or maybe George Bush or maybe Barack Obama. Actually they’re probably just en league with Barack Obama. They’re gypsies who worship Barack Obama! They are vaccine toting Barack Obama worshiping gypsies, who somehow managed to con the Native Americans out of their land in 2005, because Native Americans control the entire state of North Dakota. There are no Scandinavians k. NORTH DAKORA! It’s just poor Jews and Native Americans. …Thank you very much I’m a genius.” says Lacey’s former step-mother-in-law.
“Where did you go to school?” Lady Nancy who lunches on diet pills asks Lacey’s former step-mother-in-law.
“A state school in Tennessee.” says Lacey’s former step-mother-in-law.
“Oh, that’s like Harvard right?!” asks Lady Nancy who lunches on diet pills.
“Well, I mean yeah obviously because I have to be better than you and everyone else.” Lacey’s former step-mother-in-law.
“OK but it’s not better than where I went to school where I went to school is better than anything ever anything anywhere.” says Lady Nancy who lunches on diet pills.
“oh yeah, it wasn’t better than anything anywhere that I would go to.” says Lacey’s former step-mother-in-law.
“Hey guys, Lacey just weirdly unfollowed me I think it’s because she’s obsessed with me because I am so much better than her and it makes her feel insecure. I mean I’ve been ignoring her for like three weeks and not liking any of her posts and I posted like 40 times on my own gallery. But I’m using super secret special psychologies, approve that she’s a piece of shit because I am gay and I work for Chanel and I hate my customers because they should come into the Chanel and worship me and wipe their hands and holy water before they approached me. It’s like stupid! Like of course I’m not your stylist ijust because I’m helping you pick out expensive clothing at Chanel! Like I am not your stylist. I am a stylist to the stylist of all stylists. I am the god of styling! Duh! My $50 Weiss brooch makes me look like an ice queen not an ice king but an ice queen because secretly, I want to be a woman or impersonate women who threaten me as a gay man. But then I wear like Frederic Malle Carnal Flower and all of the men straight, gay or otherwise are just like, ‘Oh my God! When you wear that I am magically gay for you and with your Weiss brooch that’s $50. I am suddenly in awe of you, and I want to worship you for eternity.” He laughs haughtily. “But you know how it goes being the top bitch of the universe right? OMG yeah it’s so rough, being hot and Hispanic and gay. It’s so rough, being hot and Hispanic and gay. Like I walk around shirtless all the time and get a propositioned! I’m just an ice queen not your personal stylist, you stupid billionaire, but I’m a trillionaire I’m actually in there I have trillions of dollars worth of oil and land and sea and sky. I am like the ruler of the entire universe bow bow bow before me! Now.” He thinks. “Except here is my mildly unattractive very overweight, nerdy, looking female friend, which makes it seem like I have a heart so go figure that one out. Let me post a picture of her and I looking like freaks together and then when I post another picture two days later and sound like a narcissistic nitwit, you won’t think that both can be true. You’ll do the calculus in your head and assume that I am just like amazing, right?” He scoffs at humanity. “Anyway getting back to Lacey! She unfollowed me! Isn’t that weird?! Because it was like such a social coup for her that I even talked to her at all on Instagram. Anyway, anyway, I confronted Lacey and I was like “Hey you stupid cow why did you unfollow me?! And then she was like, ‘Because you haven’t been liking my posts for a while, and I just decided to unfollow you because of that.’” He looks repulsed. “I was just like what that makes no sense you’re lying because she totally was. There is no way someone would unfollow someone for not liking their posts or interacting with them enough! …Like…no one is that rational, logical, mature and normal, especially not in the perfume community or the makeup community. There’s no way a person like that could really exist especially not my customers that Chanel.”
“Yeah but Lacey you clearly already had a beef with him because he wears crystal Weiss brooches that are $50.” says Miss Emerson College. “Anyway why did you unfollow him for real? Because clearly you’re just jealous of the fact that all gay men are magical fairy unicorn dust believers in Jesus Shmesus. And when he dies, he’ll go be with lime or Michael in a land that Louis is a part of that you’re not. It’s called old money and I am old money because I have pennies that are old and my pocket. I read your blog and think it through because I am a lover of life and I analyze things I am an analyzer. And what I am intuiting analyzing with my spidey sense is that you were already angry at him and Nancy because Nancy is superior and pretty, and she rules the world and he clearly is intimidating. He has an ice queen and you’re not you’re not an ice queen and you’ll just have to deal with it. So don’t even bother answering me. I already know I already know everything about everything, especially old houses and old money! I know social class bitch! I know it more than you more than you.”
“I’m going to be nice now OK because I’m a nice man. And now that we’re peaceful and happy, now I just want to ask you, Lacey why did you unfollow me for real for real? Why did you unfollow me? Tell me now tell me I want to know because it bothers me. …It really bothers me.” says Mr. Carnal Chanel.
“Because you were already irritating yes but you had stopped liking my posts and I was sick of putting up with people playing that stupid game with me where I like their stuff but they don’t like mine to try to make me feel beneath them somehow so they can get a power trip over me in their own head and hopefully in my head they probably assume right? …So you’re angry that I didn’t bow down to you sweetie cause you’re a narcissist? Maybe maybe not but regardless, it really was just my policy at that point. I made that very clear to you and it’s weird that you couldn’t handle hearing that.” says Lacey.
“We were afraid that you were a Jesus freak, weird Christian girl from a farm who hated all of us for being gay and trans and queer and gorgeous and special in a way that’s better than you.” says a trans activist in the perfume community seriously.
“I cry every night thinking about how you were nice to me, and it seem sincere, and then I almost believed that you actually thought I could be a real woman.” says a trans perfume wearer in the perfume community to Lacey. “Because there’s no way that someone could be that intellectual and confused or sincerely nice to me who is white and Republican-looking. It’s impossible unless if they’re poor and annoying like Casi.”
“Sometimes we were nice to you and that was weird too. Like why are we the ones that are being nice to you?!? So weird! Like…our internalized transphobia informs us that there’s something wrong! There is no way that we just had empathy for you as a human. No, that’s impossible because then you’re trans or you’re gay or you’re queer or there’s something wrong with you there’s no way you were just a really intellectual kind of person who was being bullied that we empathized with that. That’s impossible!” says a trans woman in the perfume community.
“Yeah, to fit in with all the other women that we want the approval from because they’re controlling and manipulative we had to be mean to you it’s true.” says another trans woman in the perfume community.
“We’re losing it! OK we are losing it! Casi and I are not getting enough attention and so we need you to quickly visit. Our our gallery is or some thing and just like drop a quick message and say hey, we hate you or Haley. Love you just like some thing or post something that we could misconstrue as being about us because it’s just like it’s killing us to not get any sort of attention in anyway at all and it’s just like really painful, so could you please hurry up and do something!” says Lady Nancy who lunches on diet pills.
“So I just like ate the poop and then reassembled my body from yesterday and now I am kind of confused because I don’t think Lacey is a real person and I still think Lem is in love with me and I just wanna talk about it some more guys I just wanna talk about the fact that I was President for three years and I was so flipping hot and Lem was so in love with me and I was the President and I was like so cool and it’s just like this thing or like I could talk about it for like years and like years it would just be so much fun.” says JFK. “‘Clearly this woman is making a total full of herself!’ I thought with Marilyn, I thought ‘Why is she doing this? This is so stupid I’m not in love with her Bobby is not in love with her and she is gaining weight and losing weight and it’s just sad. This woman is just a hot mess! …Like why why would you do that? Why would you wear such a stupid dress and sing happy birthday while you were drunk or high or whatever the flip it was that she was. Why did you do that?! Like…why would you do that? That was so weird it was so weird you guys it was so weird.”
“Jack tell me more I wanna know I am your friend!” says Casi.
“Casi…are you my real friend or my friend or not?“ asks JFK.
“I am your friend, Jack, the perfume community along with the Mr. 76, cologne 76 club salutes you Mr. President. And in light of your honor and bravery we would like to know more about what you were angry about in regard to Marilyn’s dress. Was it too sparkly Jack?” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“I liked the color of the dress! It was pretty that it sparkled. That was nice. It sparkled under the lights! That was pretty. I liked that part. …That being said, I was sort of tired of the whole like beautiful woman movie star aesthetic. I mean Jackie and I were like kind of becoming friends. And for whatever reason she hated Jackie! …Marilyn hated Jackie and Lem was just so weird to me at that point, and there were so many people who would be yelling at me and I kept getting high and then they would still yell and I would think…’I am a laugh riot when I’m high! Why in the world aren’t you like lightening up?!??’” He looks upset. “I didn’t care about stupid stuff. I cared about big important stuff. And Lem would always say, ‘Jack why are you upsetting the south?! Why are you making the south angry at you?!’ and I would say, ‘Ahh…the south and I are best friends! We go waaay back…and you don’t understand! Boston and the south are interconnected! There’s a place called Charleston that’s a lot like Boston and I am from Boston ipso facto we’re best friends! Get a clue buddy! The white people know that I’m white. I look white I am white there’s not a problem! But they weren’t necessarily, even who killed me. Plot twist!”
“Jack you’re amazing! You’re still so obviously heterosexual and we love that!” Mr. Cologne clears his throat. “Jack tell us more about Marilyn’s dress, and what kind of perfume she would wear, what perfume you would wear who wore what!”
“She wore Fleur de Rocailles. Sometimes she probably more Chanel number five, I guess. But right now, for the purposes of this blog, I’m going to say she wore Fleur de Rocailles. I I wore a lot of different perfumes. I wore number 4711, and Bay Rum. I wear a lot of different perfumes, mostly the aftershaves and sort of herbal bouquets for men. I liked to smell, clean and neat but not overpowering to people.”
“That makes so much sense that’s what I do too. That’s so my vibe too and actually that’s why men love me and I’m sure that’s why Lem was so in love with you.“ says Casi seriously to JFK.
“Oh yeah, what do you wear?“ asks JFK.
“I like to wear a lot of the more subtle fragrances.” says Casi.
“I were Gucci violets combine with flowers. Violets is my signature fragrance. Shush don’t tell anyone it’s a secret.“ says Lady Nancy who lunches on diet pills.
“This is Lacey this is why you couldn’t fit in with us. We have a chill vibe. We’re all best friends, and these people really just needed to find a place to be themselves and unwind and you ruined it for them with your seriousness and intensity.“ says a gay perfume hater.
“I was so in love with Lem, and Marilyn’s dress was made of crystals, and I sewed them on her dress…in my dreams. No I didn’t but truthfully speaking, it was a really cool dress. It was the coolest dress I think I had ever seen and you guys I’ve seen a lot of really cool dresses!” says JFK.
“I think we should kill rich people.” says a woman randomly.
“OK it is obvious to me that Lem is not in love with Lacey because she does not have a super cool, chill vibe. Thank you for pointing that out Mr. cologne.” says JFK.
“That’s not what he was saying Jack. What he was saying is that Lacey isn’t him so it’s sad and you’re fantastic but not like him because he’s better than you.” says a black woman.
“But I am like blacker than you, so you’ll just have to deal with it. Sorry.” says JFK.
“You’re a black jack that’s fascinating. Do you wear oud?!” asks Mr. Cologne 76.
“Black people don’t wear oud. They don’t! I’ve been to the south! I met lots of Black people, Arabs wear oud not Black people OK?!” says JFK.
“Jack I’m going to have to disagree with you, but I respect hearing your voice.” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“Ok yeah but the thing is I am right and you’re wrong.” says JFK.
“There are many black Muslim men who were oud.” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“But oud, which comes from Islam is a Middle Eastern religious tradition not an African tradition.” says JFK.
“Jack is Lacey doing this to you? She’s doing this to you isn’t she? There’s no way there’s no way you’re not a charming and amazing man from heaven.” says Casi.
“She wouldn’t know either way Casi.” says JFK.
“That’s not quite accurate but that’s interesting.” says Lacey.
“There are many black Muslim men in North Africa!” says a black Muslim man.
“Okay! But oud is an Islamic tradition.” says JFK.
“Jack you don’t know what you’re talking about. I am the perfume expert.” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“I was president of United States of America in the 1960s. I know a lot more about the world than you do including perfume.“ says JFK.
“Jack I think maybe you’re hilarious and that this is just the funnest, coolest thing ever but that we should just stop the conversation and go have some Oreo cookies.” says 60 perfume hating women.
“OK that sounds good.” says JFK.
“But just so that we can end this on a positive note, I wanted to be clear that as the perfume a leader in the community that I am that my voice resonates with people of all colors, not just presidents, who were black, but presidents, who were white presidents who were any color and I want you to know JFK that I forgive you for everything that you ever did wrong to Black people and Lacey and Lem.” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“Good man, you’re a good man, sir. You’re a real good expert.” says JFK.
“Lacey is doing this. Lacey is evil!” says Casi.
“Hey, I am back! I just bought a house in Montana! And I bought 15 vases from Brooks Brothers. Their Christmas collection!” says Lady Nancy.
“Jack thank you for coming on the show today. Thank you for giving us your opinion on a great many things and your wisdom and experience and knowledge thank you for sharing that with us you are a great man of the arts, letters and if you have any questions about perfume, I as an expert would love to answer them for you. Thank you for understanding that I am an expert and respecting that.“ says Mr. Cologne 76.
“Oh ha ha you’re a funny man you’re a very funny man it’s been fun. Thanks so much.“ says JFK.
“I know that we’re done talking to JFK. I would like to take a moment to thank you all for following me Mr. Cologne 76 as you know, I am an expert in the process but I’m also an average man I am a nurse I’m a doctor I’m a teacher I’m a lawyer I’m a cook. I am a physician but the most of all I love perfume.“ says Mr. Cologne 76.
JFK looks smug.
Colorblind by Counting Crows plays.
Lacey has thought.
If she’s with Lem…it’s astounding to her.
…But naked JFK’s body was never near as sexy as hers. And as far as intelligence and character go…Lacey wins there as well. …So this incessant, nagging, harassing sense she gets that he’s somehow wildly superior to her and that Lem could never have been in love with her based on her innate, gross ordinariness in comparison to him…is a lie.
She isn’t one to compete. But…that’s the way this “voice” feels.
Then she thinks of Elliott and Joe and how irresistible they found her. They weren’t ugly men. Especially Elliott. Elliott was very handsome in his youth.
…Actually, Lem has often said that he’s flattered that she finds him so attractive.
But…Lacey is a very serious, deep…woman. And so she has a tendency to let go. …And so…she’s letting go.
Because…she’s madly in love with Lem. But she refuses to keep being harassed by his past.
F. Scott Fitzgerald smiles.
She wants to be loved. And it’s pointless to hang on. If Lem loves her…he has to procure her.
“Did you really not care?” Lem asked Lacey.
“About what?” asks Lacey.
“About your so-called life.” says Lem.
Lacey thinks. “I gave up at age 14.” says Lacey. “That was when I realized in my spirit I think that no one alive could fall in love with me the way I needed.“
“But you held out so much hope.” says Lem.
“I did! I still would for religious reasons but…I’m talking to a ghost I’m in love with.” says Lacey.
“People have no idea how bad that was for you. Not most people anyway.” says Lem.
“I needed you.” says Lacey.
“Or me!!” says Michael.
Zero by Electric Guest plays.
“Lacey…you’re really with me…for eternity…if it doesn’t work out with Louis or Lem.” says Michael. “It’s only something God can undo.”
“Except…I’m with Lem and you’re happier without me. Right?!” Lacey asks Michael.
September by Sparky Deathcap plays.
“No and yes.” says Michael. “Or Yes.”
“And no?” asks Lacey.
“Yes!” says Michael.
“But…you’re really madly in love with me?” asks Lem.
“Yes!!!” says Lacey with melancholy.
Michael looks worried and in love with Lacey.
“I’m not worried.” says Lem.
“Are you sure?” asks Lacey.
Truth Ray by Thom Yorke plays.
“You don’t understand.” says Lem.
“About you?” asks Lacey.
“About us.” says Lem. “You’re a rare beauty and you always will be. Lacey you’re not going to fade away into nothing. And you’ll be stuck being you for eternity. Let that boggle your mind.”
“The problem is…you need to envelope me. Otherwise I’ll just fall peacefully asleep into Michael. Or I’ll gravitate to Louis. You can’t be so stunned by my profound sadness, Lem. Right?” asks Lacey.
“Or what if…I’ve already won you? What if it’s over?” asks Lem. “What if it’s just too hopeful for you to imagine?”
“Then it doesn’t matter who you loved before. Or how in love I am with other men. You…have my everything. But is that possible?” asks Lacey.
“Yes!” says Lem. “Unless God says otherwise it’s the truth.”
Lacey Banks watches Jack. It’s the 1940’s. She’s a teenager. He’s playing outside with his brothers and Lem.
F. Scott Fitzgerald watches as a ghost.
Truth Ray by Thom Yorke restarts.
“You’re a damn attractive woman.” Scott says to Lacey.
“What Hell.” says Lacey seriously and sadly.
“He looks straight. You’re right.” says Scott lighting a cigarette.
“Why didn’t anyone notice?! …Or did they?!” wonders Lacey.
Scott’s blue eyes light-up. He blows smoke out of his puckered lips with masculine aplomb.
“They’re far too busy!” he says bitterly. “With their sheltered, middle class happiness. …Or…that’s really part of the reason Jack eventually gets shot.”
“Why did his father not see it?!?” Lacey asks, repulsed.
“Yes. You’d think with all of J. P. Kennedy’s meticulous analysis of how the world works…he’d have been better at noting that rather important point.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.
The Mercy by Jóhannsson plays.
“That Jack was…lost. Insanely lost…if Lem was straight.” says Lacey. “With no way to retrieve him unless Joe was honest.”
Scott laughs. “Yes!”
They continue to watch from a distance.
“And it’s not as if it’s…love.” says Scott brushing back locks of his hair. “Like love that I fell under with Zelda or you’ve fallen under with Lem. It’s…a real banishment from creation.”
Lacey considers it.
“Can he ever get out?” asks Lacey.
Louis Hill Junior joins them.
“Where even is he?!” asks Louis. “He thinks he’s you, Lacey. He’s possibly truly experiencing your happiness. It’s very sad.”
“Like your wife did if I’d been with you for eternity?” asks Lacey.
Louis laughs. “Possibly in a way. But…it’s your happiness.”
“I’m not Jack?!?” Lacey asks in grave concern.
“No!!” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.
“No…it’s…as if he’s experiencing emotions that aren’t his.” says Louis.
“How did he steal my emotions?!” asks Lacey.
“They’re still your emotions. You just can’t feel them right now. But they were and are still rightfully yours.” says Zelda joining them as well.
“How did he steal something so personal to another human?” asks Lacey.
“He imagined you…and had Satan’s help.” says Edith Wharton.
“So…is Lem falling in love or not?” asks Lacey.
“No, surprisingly. But…Jack is going insane.” Edith says. Zelda nods in agreement.
“Surprisingly or not!” corrects Hemingway. “It’s not that easy to fully impersonate someone else.” He lights a cigar.
“Why is Jack going insane?!” asks Lacey.
“He’s not experiencing Lem as himself for one thing! …It’s possible the side of Jack that everyone thought was him finally being himself around Lem wasn’t real, right? But…in order to keep Lem off-kilter he had to keep pretending when necessary. …And…he forgot who he was in the process. Jack…almost has multiple personalities. And one of them is an imitation of you, Lacey. And it goes beyond narcissistic chameleon behavior. …He’s losing touch with reality.” says Jerome, joining them.
“Was it a reaction to his extreme closeted behavior sexually? Or rather, a part of it?” asks Lacey.
“A part of it more, maybe. He…needed to please his father and seem as genuinely heterosexual as possible. But…who was he really?! …We barely know.” says Jerome. “Parts of his actual personality are intact in our history but…he may have been a far more dark, forbidding and difficult person than the charming man we officially knew.” says Jerome.
Spring Khorovod plays.
“Did and more importantly does Lem know that side of him?” asks Scott.
They listen to God.
“Yes!” says Lem finally joining them to watch himself.
“I doubt it!” says Lacey.
“But I do.” says Lem.
“Then why didn’t you leave?! Why didn’t you at least try to explain more?!” says Scott in anger.
“I didn’t figure it out until my life was ending. I might have always known in a way, but I didn’t see it completely.” says Lem. “I…always made it normal.”
“What about Lacey’s mom?” asks Scott.
“Yes, her life is like the more Hellish version of mine. …Yes.” he says as he looks up at Michael who’s staring at him.
“I’m not happy either, Lem.” says Louis.
“Am I your everything?!” Lacey asks Lem.
“Don’t keep hurting people.” Louis says to Lem.
“Tonight…I’m going to take Lacey to bed. You’re taking too long to answer. IT’S EVIL!” says Michael.
And at that Jack leans over in the past to try to kiss Lem and Lem isn’t impressed but takes the kiss. Then Lem looks mildly repulsed. …Lacey is still saddened.
“Yes, you’re my everything.” says Lem to Lacey. “I didn’t love him like that. But it looks like now. And I thought I did…”
“So you tried to make love?” asks Lacey.
“No. I…didn’t know what making love even really was. Or it seemed…impossibly perfect. Like something nobody experiences. …But…we make love. Or we have.” says Lem to Lacey.
A moment passes.
“Let me take her with me.” says Lem.
You must be logged in to post a comment.