A quick explanation

“If there is an Illuminati I am exasperated with him at this point so I’m starting a blog post just to complain.” says Lem. “I was not gay.” he says slowly. “I was straight. I did not enjoy giving Jack his medicine. I loathed it. It repulsed me. And by giving him his medicine I mean giving him a hand job and a blow job. It’s the same thing. Just…getting him off. And I didn’t invite myself over in a sexual way. Ever.

I may have invited myself over to have a friend and you could argue that I was trying to have a relationship and enjoy sex with him. But it wasn’t in the way that you insist and I’m speaking to to the Illuminati, if they exist. It was never successful and I didn’t enjoy it and I have said that. I never wanted it from him because I didn’t like it. It was just yuck and I tried I tried I tried to receive it. I tried it in every orifice that a man has and it just wasn’t good, it wasn’t good. I hated it and there were a few boyfriends that tried, and I tried to fall in love with them and they got frustrated because I never really gave them what they wanted out of a partner because I just wasn’t attracted to men at all. And that’s why if I hadn’t had Jack, I probably would’ve gotten married because I would’ve gotten lonely with no one to do anything with. And my family would’ve insisted on it, but he he never let me get lonely. He insisted that I be with him.

If I wasn’t bisexual, and I am being heard correctly and I am Lem because it’s pretty certain I was attracted to women and I don’t think Lacey can doubt that too easily although she can’t somewhat, but if I’m Lem and I was straight, no I I would’ve possibly gotten married. I might not have, but I might’ve gotten married to a woman and that’s because most men aren’t narcissists. Most men aren’t possessive freaks who invite you over constantly and then insist you’re the one with the obsession and the problem. …I mean I could get myself off better than any man could. One man ever did and yeah, I closed my eyes thought of women, but I could do that at home. Better than he could…and it was nice not being touched by a man. Because I actually found that repulsive, I was just too nice and two confused to realize how repulsive I found it. I found it repulsive I guess you could say. …No, he was the possessive freak in the relationship and I was a fool.

It doesn’t seem likely does it? No it doesn’t seem likely at all. But what a clever way to get out of it and still seem straight plausibly or definitely bisexual, even if he was really mostly just gay. And no I, I made a fool of myself my entire life I made a total tikfool of myself until my last few years and people don’t maybe know that, but I did start to realize that I was straight if I was, I did, and I had some moments. I might have enjoyed watching figure skating for the women not the men. And people might not have realized that or they might have. Or you know, I might have let myself just enjoy the thought of being with a woman in a different way, but of course that led me to be incredibly sad and that may have been why I killed myself.” He laughs. “And there’s really no evidence that I ever enjoyed it and what I’m saying isn’t absolutely 100% true. There’s actually a ton of evidence in the opposite direction because that’s what actually happened. He was probably what he was pretending I was. And when his father said, ‘I took care of him,’ he didn’t just mean saving his life? …I took care of Jack non-sexually like you take care of a lover, but it wasn’t in the same way I took care of Lacey today and taking care of her is horrifying, even if she dies it’s gonna be awful. I don’t want her to die and yet I do…it’s awful.

I don’t want her to die…or…live…it’s just an awful experience.

I didn’t feel that with Jack. And people think I was so devastated when he died, but I wasn’t. I’m making her say that by the way, because that’s so contradictory to the narrative…but I wasn’t that sad. I was sad my life had been totally permanently altered, I felt like my life had ended…and I might’ve even said stuff like that and then people thought that I meant that I was devastated and consumed with grief for him. But I wasn’t I wasn’t the saddest widow. I think Jackie was…I was never his widow in the way that I thought I could be, and I certainly wasn’t legally. No, she was.

She was the saddest widow in the entire family not me! Well…Ethel might’ve been too…but Jackie really was profoundly devastated. …Maybe Ethel was? You know I don’t know…maybe there’s not a competition. No, maybe they both were but ironically I really wasn’t. I was consumed with the end of my life as I knew it. Because to me it was the end of my life and people never wanted to hear me. They I thought I was just…just this overly emotional you know ridiculous sort of flimsy person and that’s not who we are. That’s how people interpret Lacey too…

We are deep and self-aware. And I knew that my life really was over because he was my first love in my…misunderstood life. First person I got oral from as you learned in my last post. First person I ever gave oral to. And I mean I took those things extraordinarily seriously as I would’ve with a woman. And it wasn’t that I wanted to give that to him. It’s that I gave that to him and then I took that seriously for the rest of my life practically not you know forever, but I took it very seriously until my last few years. …And then I thought…oh I don’t want to tell you what I thought.

But the thing is, I thought he was my job. I thought he was my sort of-my ward in a way. And it was my duty to take care of him, and I did giving blow jobs for medical reasons. And I wanted to try to keep him from falling apart. To keep him from having to suffer psychologically or whatever as he insisted that he was profoundly exasperated from not being able to have someone get him off. …’I’m tired of getting myself off!’ he may have even said. And ‘I need you to get me off! I just need someone else to touch me!’ you know…and I knew that he wanted a man to touch him…and I was trying to be that man, but I hated to be that man and no I really…I…I…I was very pissed off at Jackie for not getting him off.

That was her job. It was her job not mine. She was supposed to be his wife…and then I was supposed to get him off in the White House anyway?! …And no I said no sometimes. I didn’t want it and then he would beat me actually with the back of a gun while he was high on cocaine on my head to try to get me to have sex with him. Anal sex or possibly even oral…because believe it or not I started to get sick of it at that point…because he was starting to irritate me in general. He was very…he was becoming more aggressive and I was becoming less interested in trying to humor him as time went on.

Truthfully, there were a few years after he died, that I had some counseling potentially and realized that I was straight and tried possibly even dating women. And then Bobby drug me back into it and I know…I mean it’s just…it was like I tried to be gay to please people and no I, I’m pretty sure Joe saw me giving his son oral sex and that was a joke when he said I took care of him.

But he never saw Jack taking care of me, that’s for sure. Because he couldn’t. And I mean Bobby Senior by the way. …I felt like I was gonna break free potentially and then I got pulled back into the woods…and I wanted out. Bobby Senior was possibly being bisexual, or he wanted me to pretend for other reasons. They all did.” says Lem.

“Oh, my word.” says an Illuminati woman in shock.

“You know, but even if he wasn’t bisexual…I still felt pressured somehow. Maybe it just somehow would’ve devastated them if I’d married someone after Jack died because I think they wanted me to be sad. I wasn’t that sad. I really wasn’t sorry Gore, I wasn’t that sad. I wasn’t the saddest widow. Some gay fantasy that I was the saddest-but I wasn’t that sad. I was consumed by the fact that my life felt like it was over, and I literally said that. But no, I couldn’t have literally meant that? …Oh no, that’s that’s not right. I had to mean somethings secretive and stupid. …I could’ve just been well you know, self-aware enough to realize that never having been married in my 40s…having lived the majority of my life thinking I was gay…it was going to be extremely difficult to redirect myself and try to live the life of a straight man at that point. But I wouldn’t have even done that because I genuinely thought that I was gay until my last few years.” He thinks. “And…if she’s hearing correctly, and I went on dates after Jack died, it was it was it was like an episode of The Andy Griffith Show and they were chaste women and were pleasant enough, but they were older, and I just wasn’t that attracted to them because they weren’t that good looking.”

“So you think if Bobby wasn’t bisexual that you felt like you had to pretend that you were in love with his brother on a certain level to maintain in his mind this idea that that you loved him whereas if you moved on…they might’ve wondered if you killed him was that part of it? Or…or was it just that you didn’t want to seem like you’re moving on too much because they were really the ones that were overwhelmed and they projected all of that onto you?” asks a woman in the Illuminati.

“Those are excellent questions. I don’t entirely know. I felt the need if he wasn’t bisexual and I’m not saying clearly either way she does listen but I am dead so it’s not always easy to tell 100% what I’m saying…and then she doesn’t say anything until it’s clear enough…and this is unclear, but if I wasn’t bisexual, she knows this because I’m saying it through her. I may be controlling her voice right now because I can. Anyway…I felt like they wanted me to be that sad, yeah.” says Lem.

“Were you more devastated when Bobby died?” asks a woman.

“I was devastated for Jack’s kids and his wife Jackie when he died…but when Bobby died I knew something was amiss. …If I didn’t have a relationship with him that he forced on me through desperation on his part, then yes. I actually was more sad when Bobby died. Bobby, if he wasn’t worse than Jack or as bad was a kind man, and it was far more devastating on a human level. …He was that family’s last hope for the most part, and I watched them grieve so much and it was hard to watch them lose him.” says Lem.

“And if you if he did try to have a relationship with both you and Jackie, I take it that you probably didn’t grieve him more than Jack but you still felt that something was amiss, is that correct?” asks a woman.

“Pretty darn close to exactly correct.” says Lem.

“I think what people can’t quite fathom Lem is that if Lacey was there suddenly you would’ve realized you were straight and slept with her. How is that psychologically possible?” asks a Gen. Z woman.

“I dated unattractive women every time I dated someone. The truth is there are flaws about me and she doesn’t see them as flaws. They actually make her want me more. …But a lot of people saw them as flaws and actually, I was an extraordinarily handsome man. I was very handsome as a teenager. I was extremely handsome as an adult but that’s just objectively speaking. …I had flaws…and a lot of women because I sounded effeminate and that scared them…focused on my flaws…and I just didn’t have attractive women throwing themselves at me and I was probably not surrounded by that many women who are that much like Lacey anyway if there were really any women who were even at all like her, and I say that because there are women like her in that generation, even if they’re not her, and I know that they’re not her, they can’t hold a candle to her, but but they are, but they did exist. They just weren’t interested and for some reason she would’ve been. You should ask her why but I have a feeling that would be far scarier, but you should ask her.

And you can say what if they’re throwing themselves at you? You know I probably wouldn’t of slept with them. But I probably would’ve come close to it in some cases because I I was a man and I did have needs. But no she is one of my rare exception not as a gay man exception that I would’ve made for her but by sleeping with her outside of marriage.

And you could say well you slept with Jack outside of marriage! Well…yeah, but there was no gay marriage at the time first of all and honestly I just didn’t see it that way. And that’s gonna sound so homophobic, I’m sorry, but I didn’t see them as the same thing. And this is going to sound confusing, but I thought that heterosexual marriage and heterosexual intercourse was so much more serious due to pregnancy but also because I thought it meant things that I didn’t think gay intercourse ever could mean. You know I wanted it to mean pleasure and happiness and love, but I didn’t think that it could ever amount to two people becoming one the way heterosexual sex could.” says Lem.

“Why do we not want to hear what this man has to say? If this is Lem, if he’s being honest, I think he’s just being honest, I’m sorry.” says a man from the West.

“And if that’s who I think it is…people should be careful. Because I could really embarrass you all if what-if this is Lem and he was straight. I could find a way to very cleverly, embarrass people and make it so that no one would wonder if Lem was straight! No, people would just assume he was for a very long time! …I’m dead. I have free time. And it’s a hobby to me, and if Lem was straight, it might be funny to me because people probably really should know that he was straight for their own good.” says Louis.

Later.

“I can’t stand when my father brought me into this world he should have brought me into this world like 30 years earlier 40 years earlier definitely 30 or 40 years earlier. There’s no question if he could have that’s when I should’ve been born. And the only reason why I don’t like that completely is because I love my kids but if it wasn’t for them, I really don’t see why that wouldn’t have been 1 million times better.” says Lacey.

“If it wasn’t for our kids, I agree.” says Lem.

“So Lem…why do you sleep with Lacey and no one else? I get it…in your mind anal and oral are just like nonsense and straight sex is like a different thing and that’s not something you do outside of marriage because it’s the real thing and all that other stuff is just nonsense to you. And I get that you assumed Jack was experiencing it the same way you were and you just thought he had less self-control and I wonder if you thought he was more attracted to men than you were or more attracted to women or both or something or if you just couldn’t quite figure that one out so you didn’t think about it too much. But the thing is why would you sleep with Lacey? I just…it fascinates me. Do you know? What is it?” asks a gay man.

“I…don’t want to tell you. Because it’s so x rated.” says Lem rolling his eyes. “She…needs… I…refuse to describe her.” He closes his eyes. “Men read this blog.” He sighs. Leans back. Opens his eyes, staring off in irritation. He bounces his foot. Rolls his eyes. “I…have…her…key. I have the key to her…soul. And I can use it or not. And sometimes…knowing that…is…too much to resist. I know…how…I want and always wanted to feel. And that should I use that key…I’ll find exactly…what…I want.” He thinks. “Michael…Louis…they know if I fail the key is there’s. And…yet…the key is mine. And I…have…been inside briefly. And there’s no going back.

…She’s…not a drug. She’s not…a…friend. …Gay sex never got me high. …But highs always crash. And they aren’t real anyway. …She could devastate me…thoroughly…worse than anything…except for Satan…but…I wouldn’t really let her. So…”. He smiles. “If I’m not in Hell…it’s…almost too much to be separated from her this long.” He thinks. “But….we manage. …If she has died…not Jack…with no kids…I’d have lived…as a…well…I’d have died. Soon. Like her, whether we’re reincarnated or not.” says Lem.

“So…you two…are extremely exclusive?” says a man.

“Yeah. I guess.” says Lem.

“So…you didn’t decide to be fake gay…to…reject women? Right?” asks a Christian living guy with a smile.

“Except…even if there’s no reincarnation…I did.” says Lem.

“Wait…what?!” asks Casi.

“I’m complicated.” says Lem.

“Lem…you…tried to be gay…to stay celibate?” asks the male reader.

“No. And yes.” says Lem. “It’s…she wasn’t there. And I was. And…I thought I was gay. And…if there’s not reincarnation…it’s complicated…but…I knew she wasn’t there.” He thinks. “So…it had even more appeal.”

“Because you knew she wasn’t going to be there?” asks a gay man.

“I knew she would be hurt by me being with a woman who wasn’t her. And that matters to me. An incredible amount. So…it made bring gay seem…less evil to me personally. If I had been gay…or bisexual…I wouldn’t have been confused by that. But being straight…I misunderstood what I was doing by…being…subconsciously celibate in a way.” says Lem.

“But then Jack made it this huge thing, and the Kennedys made it this huge thing, and that never occurred to you like…it never seemed like it could be a problem or it did?” asks a gay man.

“You know it actually did occur to me as I got older. But believe it or not, even if there’s not reincarnation, and there might not be, we might be far more complicated than you think spiritually. I knew…possibly…she doesn’t believe me if this is me some things are very clear. This isn’t as clear. I knew…and that was part of what I figured out as I was dying those last few years, but I figured it out on an entirely subconscious level. I knew that if I had a wife or could’ve had a wife in Heaven that she was probably with someone else, because where else would she be and I had the sense that that was the case and in this way that I couldn’t quite put into words. And subconsciously I think I knew that I had done it to myself by pretending to be gay and on a certain level, probably by taking that as far as I did take it. The, ‘I loved Jack my whole life!’ and then making these passive aggressive digs at Jack saying he was a room in the White House. ‘What else was I gonna do get married?’ …I knew on a subconscious level that I had really done something terrible to myself. And I died in 1981 and she was born in 1983 so she was conceived probably less than a year after I died. So I died and 10, 9, maybe 11 months later she’s conceived. I sensed that she was going to be born into a terrible life, or I sensed that she was going to be born into a terrible life. I had the sense that something terrible was happening, or was going to happen involving her. And I knew that in all of it, she would probably end up screwing someone else and she did.

If there’s reincarnation you can bet that somehow she thought it made sense to come back, and that I was partially to blame for that somehow. And if there’s not reincarnation, I may have still known because she’s just perfect for me and I love her that much. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had had a different attitude about things God would’ve brought her into the world and let me meet her, but I really did royally mess-up because Jack really did make a huge difference in the world not just in my life, and if I was straight he ruined my life…and he did a lot of damage to everyone else too. …If I was straight, he had absolutely no business being president. It’s one of the worst things that ever happened to this country but that isn’t clear and wasn’t clear.

And God may have punished me this way because as hard as it is on her it’s harder on me seeing her suffer and watching her point of view with other people and knowing that she doesn’t even know how much I love her or how real I am for sure or anything…and there’s not a lot I can do about it other than what I am doing right now, and that’s not Hell but it’s definitely not Heaven as her suffering is my suffering and it’s awful. The film What Dreams May Come is a very creepy film. That’s her life except it’s not her reaction to it. She fights against being bitter all the time and it’s not the afterlife and I hate that movie. It’s disgusting. We’re not hopeless. We have God. But and in most ways, there’s absolutely no, but about that….but the cautionary tale is that you can’t cheat with the truth. And Hemingway understood that whether he lived by it or not. And I cheated with the truth and look how it worked out for me. If I am a ghost and God is allowing this it’s because he feels love and empathy for us and knows how miserable we both are because she was what I was worried could exist, and she’s also exactly what I’ve always wanted.

I cheated because before I was even molested I was suicidal. I would get very depressed, and I may have wanted to kill myself. Because I had a sense of what I wanted out of love, and I knew that it was this. But I wasn’t finding anyone that sensitive or that mature or that deep and yet beautiful and dangerous foreboding and yet really just sweet and humble and feminine and…just needing me. Just needing me to rescue her, that’s all. She wasn’t there and when I was molested, I thought, ‘Well maybe that’s all it is! I’m just gay! Hey maybe it’s not that I am stuck in some miserable, lonely life.’ But I was actually just stuck in a miserable, lonely life and I didn’t realize that would make me so happy in my 60s. And by happy, I mean aroused, because as I began to realize I was straight if I was straight, it was a feast for my brain to realize I wanted sex with a woman more than anything, …and that’s really all it was all those years that just kept bothering me about everything…that’s why Jack’s death was so awful. That’s why Bobby’s death was so devastating. That’s why I decided that drugs were my only option because it just didn’t work to be gay and I needed her…and if I wanted to be dead when I was young, the thought of dying didn’t scare me. She has (ah you asked) she has a sedative influence on me which actually isn’t that far move from the high I kept trying to get. The difference is that it’s a real human emotion and it’s natural and healthy and God created it – what I feel with her. But it’s extremely calming to me. And yet it’s not depressing it’s it’s perfect. It’s not a high. It’s reality. You know it doesn’t just go away. It’s just so nice and calm and yet it’s not sad, it’s just lovely. And she doesn’t know that she has no idea how much anyone but her kids would ever miss her. And I don’t want them to suffer and God gives me grace and I’m actually far far happier than I ever was alive, but it is very painful to watch her suffer.

But no…that was actually a comfort to me to realize that I really just wanted a woman. It was depressing when I was young but at that point it wasn’t depressing anymore.” says Lem.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” says Lacey.

“We needed each other. To fully exist.” says Lem. “Your side of paradise.”

More tomorrow.