Lost Life

Max Richter’s The Leftovers plays.

Lem’s apartment is a place Lacey Banks has been. In her spirit. She’s seen it.

Once, over a year ago, she investigated and found photos of his apartment and it looked exactly like what she sees when she drifts off there. Not through astral projection, she hopes. More…like…a taste of death.

Once Eunice left to go buy something outside down the street. And that…also makes sense. No…it was in the late 1970’s or early 1980’s. And Lacey is Lacey.

For a young woman who’s father raised her around Bogart and Bacall in the early 1950’s…and who was born in 1940…Lem isn’t gay.

It’s 1970. Lacey is there. At his home in Manhattan. He’s supposed to be getting dressed to go out with the Kennedy family for dinner. In the city. For Easter.

And it’s the same scene as always. She meets him. They talk. And within hours…they’re in bed together, making love. Every single time.

The Sacrifice by Michael Nyman plays.

No. They’re not homosexuals.

Lem acted gay. Acted. As in acting. According to his ghost…it was all a theatrical presentation. It was…fake.

Funny…how…Lacey…instinctively knew that.

Humphrey Bogart laughs.

Due to the intense trauma she experienced growing-up…without being kidnapped and truly totally destroyed…she…may have been raised by ghosts in Purgatory at times. And…that means…incredible thespians affecting…her brain. Her perspective. Her…understanding…of everything.

“I wasn’t sure what was going on…but…I instantly love Lem anyway.” says Lacey. “And he loves me.”

“Instantly?!?” asks Bobby Kennedy Sr.. He looks confused.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

Bobby sits down in awe.

“Could you be Jack reincarnated?!?” asks a Jane.

“No.” says Lem. “Far from it.”

“That feels like a vicious attack.” says Lacey. “I know you don’t mean it that way but…I feel smothered and suffocated by evil when I consider it.”

“Because some evil entity living or dead is trying to force you into thinking that.” says Jane to Lacey.

“Why?! Why can’t they just let me be?!?” asks Lacey.

“Wow!” says an Illuminati witch to Jane. “You are clear as day to Lacey.” She smiles. She cries. Her “gift” terrifies her at times.

“Sometimes I read this blog and I think to myself, ‘What are they making these for women do??’ and no I don’t mean sex. I mean what are they making Lacey and these other psychics do, because I think that it’s a woman’s gift naturally from God to be that intuitive and I think it has to do with childbearing. It’s a survival instinct, it’s part of the human race because you know we were created in the image of God and so we can see and hear things like that at times and sometimes you gotta know that your kids are going to kill themselves before they do because if you don’t turn around in the nick of time they could get very hurt. So I am of the opinion that all women have that gift to take care of the kids but I think that it’s a violation of them that they should have to do this…because you’ve got them digging around in the supernatural, and it scares me for all of them.” says a white southern man in the US.

“Lacey is a friend.” says Jane. “I hate my evil.”

Codex by Radiohead plays.

“Did you feel bad for her before you died?” asks Wobbly.

“Yes!!!” she yells. “You don’t understand! You don’t understand!”

“So you could have been friends with Lacey Banks?” asks a gay man rolling his eyes of Jane.

Meant to Stay Hid by SYML plays. It’s sad, beautiful and hilarious.

“She’s square. But…not really. There were a lot of people like that.” she says.

“Even though she’s from Minnesota?!?!” asks Louis Hill Jr. jokingly.

Jane nods in sadness.

“Her father was big man!” says Jane. She blinks. “But…she’s just an artist at heart.” She smiles. “And a very sensitive, serious person.”

“Would Elliott have…been a big figure in her life?” asks a woman.

Jane thinks. She grins. “You know…you could make me seem like JFK too. It’s a lie.” She thinks.

“Do you know if Lemmers was straight or bisexual? And how long is the Illuminati going to cling to the idea that he wasn’t one of those? Or pansexual?! Or if he was bisexual or pansexual that he was in love with Jack? Like…how long is this going to go on??!? …Do you know? Do you have an estimation for when you guys are gonna realize that he probably was bisexual or straight?! Umm…because yesterday‘s long post thread was really convincing and I’m just a little confused about how are you guys, if you exist, don’t get any of this?! And I’m starting to see why she’s so exasperated because if you guys are real, you guys are like talking to a brick wall! Really, it’s like talking to a brick wall talking to you people.” says an anonymous reader to the They in the Illuminati.

“Hold on to things! First of all I’m actually starting to think Lem was straight. I know that sounds crazy and not to sound cutesy, but it reminds me of when I’ve made food changes like taking out dairy and it shocked people. And then I was like, ‘I feel better!’ because I was lactose intolerant and sometimes I still do you know indulge in a little dairy here and there but no, I feel better without dairy, I really do. And cheese, sometimes I have cheese. But a steady diet of it is just like it makes me sick. Because I’m not an idiot not gonna eat cheese all the time because I’m not an idiot.” He rolls his eyes. “Lacey you said that if you had been born earlier to your father, because that’s what I’m gonna start calling him, that he would’ve raised you around his friends who were celebrities. So were they really involved in Hollywood? Like how involved was he in Hollywood? I know your aunt had a clothing store there that sold the best of the best, but how involved were they in Hollywood? Because it’s just, it scares me that you were talking to F. Scott Fitzgerald and I think you know what I mean. He was a writer in Hollywood and I know you know that and sweetie I just I don’t think you realize how much sense it all makes and there’s a lot of ground there to cover but you said just quickly on that that if you’d been born and like you know met Lem somewhere because I kind of think you guys are soulmates at the very least that you two would have been off to France, so I don’t think Jane is weird in that way. I think she makes sense. I think you too literally would’ve chosen to go live in France to get away from certain people, but this makes total sense and it just proves that maybe what you’re hearing isn’t so eccentric.” says a gay man in the Illuminati.

“I’m sure it seems weird to her though considering who she was raised by. But if she’s like actually illegitimate I don’t think that’s what she’s expecting. I think she thinks that he’s just a sweet man who is her father in Heaven because he knew her legal dad and he feels bad for her or something not that she wouldn’t be his daughter, but I think she thinks it’s more of like a miracle or something. I think she’d be shocked if that was her actual birth father…and I really don’t think that’s as unlikely some people do. Truly, I thought about it and it actually makes so much sense. It really-It makes sense.” says a psychic.

“She doesn’t know that but I think she’s going to be shocked too by it. Why are you telling me that?“ says the gay man.

“Because if that is her birth father, they do think differently than us, and I think that should be kept in mind when you’re analyzing her. I have a feeling that Lem was straight, and if he was the people who insist that Red Fay was saying that Lem was gay-“. she cuts off. “Umm…but I…I really don’t think that the people who think she doesn’t like or know what the ‘real ghosts’ were saying are…”. She cuts off. “It’s…far more likely that he was doing what he said that he was. So like…questioning ‘lame sexuality’ like is he straight? …I don’t think he meant it in a nice way, but I don’t know that he was convinced that Levi was gay…and honestly to me as a gay man I hear Red saying that in my my head and I get so lost the same way that she does.” He almost cries.

“Okay! It’s like what the hell are these people going on about?! Right?! If he was gay, he’s gay, he’s gay.” The other man nods and grows irate. “He said he was gay…but that’s not what Lem actually said. That’s not what that’s not what ‘read literally’ said that is not what ‘lame literally’ said or ‘love literally’ said. No, he could’ve had a wife and a family?” He laughs. “He literally said just like ‘read, literally’ he said that he ‘could be’ bisexual 30 times!? And that he ‘excuse me that he was bisexual’ and I feel like that’s…a reoccurring thing with these people.” They laugh together. “So that when you hear the literal words-“. They cut off laughing. “And, and you should interpret it to me that ‘lame was bisexual’ or from Lacey’s hearing that doesn’t matter? But Lem was straight and confused due to childhood trauma, which makes complete sense to me too as a gay man who knows that he’s gay.” They laugh. “Umm…I think we’re dealing with a mountain. I think we’re dealing with a mountain of bullshit…and I doubt that it’s coming from Lacey.” says another liberal gay man in the Illuminati.

“No…they would’ve fled to France and knowing Lem and me and other French film stars because her father was a he…and he wasn’t like the most important man in Hollywood. He wasn’t like an extreme overlord, but he had friends in high places in the studios and he knew executives, and, he he was one of the more important people in the whole country that were undercover. He was extremely secretive. He was extremely secretive. …If he was her birth father there’s a reason that it’s so perfectly hidden: him. If he’s not her birth father, it’s weird, but I think he has become her father over time when your dead you’ll understand. If you love God and ask Jesus to be your savior and I I need to say that I’m sorry I would’ve been her friend her actual friend you know her father is older he was born in 1894 and ‘llamas’ old.” says a gay man.

“Umm…are you…we are all alike in our personalities??? No. …You’re right. But…that’s not her point. Clearly! …It’s so misleading and misogynistic. And no we would’ve just instantly gotten along?” He shrugs. They laugh. “She doesn’t know that we would’ve.” He becomes more irate. “I say I was born in the wrong generation, but she actually was. For real. And I cannot emphasize that enough. She was definitely born in the wrong generation, you don’t need to doubt that…that’s violently obvious.’ says a gay man in the Illuminati.

“And she needs to be alive…but no she does.” says another gay man.

“Her life is miserable because of that evil! And you’re not talking to a 39-year-old and that way you’re talking to someone who’s about 104.” says Jane. “No, Michael and her are the same age. Some people have mines that are older!”

“Huh. You all think she’s perfectly suited for a lung abscess, perfectly suited?!” asks Jerome Hill.

“And…and now they would’ve slept together the first day? That’s such bullshit!!!” yells Wobbly. “It’s like fan fiction. Mr. Blue is right!”

“They stay mad! …I mean it would happen within an hour. She’s not making that up that they’re really that part of the ‘attracted to each other and that you will love.’ That’s just the way they are, get over it.” says a Putin.

Psychotic Girl plays.

“He’s trying to talk to you! He’s trying to talk to you! Do you hear him? Do you hear him?” a Biden asks Wobbly.

“Why would he be trying to talk to me? I don’t get it.” says Wobbly seriously and sincerely.

“Well…because if I was to declare nuclear war on your country-“ says a Putin.

“No, no we’re not we’re not we’re not playing this game. Just stop! Just stop! Just stop!!!!” yells Wobbly in a hissy fit.

“Stop what?” asks a Putin.

“Whatever dumb game you’re playing with my head!” yells Wobbly indignantly.

“What makes you think we’re trying to play a game with your head Wobbly’s?” asks a Russian.

“Because you need to…to appease her. See…because…she’s a batshit crazy freak!” Wobbly says, losing his temper.

“And you don’t think you are?” asks a Putin.

“No, I mean you’re playing a game with her because you know you have to because she’s a crazy fucking freak. …And I’m just playing along. Alright!? …I know that you’re not talking to me and I know that that’s not what we’re doing right now…because I’m not an elected official. But she thinks you’re gonna talk to her?! Just because this is the Illuminati?!” Wobbly says laughing at Lacey. “Ahh…what kind of a fucking freak finds the Illuminati?! I mean, that’s my thing with her. What kind of a fucking freak finds the Illuminati and like thinks that just because the movie-stars are talking to her telepathically and she knows she’s not schizophrenic and has a doctor who told her that – and what’s a doctor telling you something what the fuck does that even mean that’s just bullshit.” He laughs at his own joke. “…And I’m just thinking…like…what the fuck is this woman? Umm…is an asshole? …She’s a little tight Toyota driving Minnesota fuckwad! I mean God you guys get over ‘at the family’ has oil because they sucked it out of the ground because their-shit? OK? I really am not much of an asshole…and that’s why I would tell you people in Russia.” He starts to sound vaguely sexual. “I would say…I’m taking over your country…and I’m gonna run you and I would mean it. I will just take over Russia, bitch! …I’m not afraid of you.” says Wobbly.

“You would take over Russia, Wobbly? You…you would take over Russia and you’re being serious?!” asks a Putin.

“Yeah!” giggles Wobbly, thinking he’s getting a Putin literally sexually aroused. “No, you have to play hardball with people!” He laughs in what he thinks is triumph. “I mean I would say it in a way that sounded a hell of a lot smarter than this…but this is basically the idea of what I would say.”

“You’re so much stupider than I thought. And I shouldn’t have taken you seriously! Most of this blog post is just an insult her and her family and I’m embarrassing myself. Thanks to you.” says the gay psychic in the Illuminati from earlier.

“Well die then! It’s an insult to them?!” scoffs Wobbly with a sense of astounding self-perceived authority. “Ahh…they’re not me and my family is being insulted! No…give me time to impress you somehow.”

“Shut up! Just shut up!!” yells Smobbly, freaking out.

“Alright, we can still do it. We still have a house! So I’m sure I can get $1 million from somewhere to do something impressive!” says Wobbly rolling his eyes. He’s not trying to be funny.

“Do you realize how stupid you sound?!?” a living actress asks Wobbly.

“I am a fucking genius. I’m serious! I’m a genius. I’m a total genius. I’ve been tested. I’m a genius. …Welcome to reality!” says Wobbly throwing a fit, without irony.

“I’m not sold on you being a genius anymore. I’m starting to think you’re average and that you just got like told you were a genius, the same way that you were told Lem was in love with you. Because stop lying about that. You know when people corner you you admit that he might’ve been straight…and then you act like you’re just playing some prank on everyone, but in reality…I don’t think you actually really know that he was straight. I think you’re that confused.” says a U.S. politician.

“This is why we slaughtered you people in New York. We loved her father, we loved her father. She eats Italian food. Her ex-husband’s a tiny bit Italian and that does mean something to me.

I’m like a godfather.

Go ahead and be all racist on me, I don’t give a shit…because I have to say something racist to you. I hated the Irish! I hated you fucking idiots! And you are a perfect example of why I can’t stand your people.

How about you have the Palestinians blow all of your asses into the ocean? …I’m sorry your father sided with Israel? It’s not cool anymore?

But…where does that leave you? What is your plan?! Because…you know…you’re a genius, you’re a genius! …So what’s your opinion on the Middle East? Do you think that Israel should be given it’s due or do you think that they’re trespassing and we should just blow them into the ocean? What do you think? You’re genius, tell us, tell us! Please, inform me!” says a dead 20th Century New York City Mafia CEO.

“Are you Al Capone?” asks Wobbly, laughing.

“No, but I’m not surprised to hear you ask that. Now…answer my question! Answer my fucking question! What would you do in the Middle East, rocket-scientist-kid-billionaire?” asks the Mafia CEO of senior citizen man, Wobbly.

“Did you really flatter the Irish in New York? Who are you?” asks Wobbly scoffing in profound self-glory.

“And now this little asshole is trying to be cute with me! Answer my fucking question brainiac!” scoffs the Mafia CEO.

“He goes silent as he considers, not answering because he’s scared, and the truth is..he has absolutely no idea what he would do.” narrates Joe Kennedy Jr..

“I mean, I I would-Umm…I would work with people.” says Wobbly.

“Work with people on both sides of the aisle, right?! Hip hip, cheer cheer!” says Lem mockingly of Wobbly.

“You started this! Wobbly…they could’ve easily accidentally conjured her into ‘the conversation’ in 2016 because of what you were doing at that time. If you’ve been exploring things like the depths of ocean since 2016…you started this. I think you started it when Mary died. I think that’s where this started. I think you started it a long time ago.

Yes I slaughtered a lot of little micks in New York. I’m sorry you weren’t one of them. I would’ve enjoyed killing you personally, because I can’t stand you! And that’s not Lacey. That’s me saying that! And I’m not saying that Italian should all kill you! Like…you know, get out their guns and start shooting you. I’m just saying that that’s what I would’ve done, because I’m a real ghost you’re talking to a real individual who ran a mob ran an organization that would’ve hated your fucking ass.” says the Mafia CEO.

“I don’t have to put up with this! This is ridiculous and abusive and I’m ending this conversation.” says Wobbly like he’s the voice of reason.

“You started this 15 years ago when your wife died! You brought Lacey with you cause she’s connected to you spiritually.

How do you not understand that?! …I don’t hate all Irish people anymore but let me tell you something, this is tempting to me. This is very tempting.

Those anti-Irish laws, you know ‘Irish can’t come near me.’ That’s what inspired the new gay laws because in your mind your uncle is ‘intertwined’ and…that was my personal idea. You have no idea how powerful I was before I died…and you think that you’re such a big deal.

Yeah…no I changed the Supreme Court laws and I’m dead. That was me and I’m dead and you have a periodic idea in your head of reality at best. …If you’re real and there’s an Illuminati that is torturing her it isn’t gonna do anything truly good for you. But you think because Satan’s got your ass you’re golden? What’s the number? Who sings? Who’s gonna ‘do with me?’

She can’t get out of this she’s connected to you through Lem and your uncle Joe, and to some degree your grandfather and through her father. But her father, in Christ.

And you speak English? No? Do I just start speaking in Gaelic to get through to you or Italian or what!? Who are you speaking? Chinese, Latin should I try speak in Latin Klingon? What do you speak?” asks the Mafia CEO.

“You’re making your whole family look like shit!” says Wobbly to the mafia CEO, sincerely.

“My whole family?!!” asks the man who is becoming increasingly concerned and boiling mad. “You are making your family look like shit! And you’ve been doing that since you were little tiny kids!” the man rips into the Heavens.

“I can’t stand this hatred! I can’t stand this it’s so ‘you do you’.” scoffs Wobbly confidently. “It’s so…if…it’s so toxic.”

“You’re the one doing it!” says a Russian to Wobbly.

“You know, the truth is…she’s perfectly clear and it’s perfectly obvious. …Lem was probably straight, not for sure. But…maybe yes! …And…if this is the Illuminati…and we’re having a spiritual conversation…let’s be honest. You’re talking to ghosts. And…it’s probably likely that they’re telling you things you don’t want to hear because you’re not ready to hear them.

It actually is real that they would’ve become mad. The Italian mafia in New York City was violent. …And Lem and Lacey would have become man and wife in his bedroom with the door closed when you were shooting heroin in the bathroom with some loose girlfriend. And you would never have even noticed ‘dark-haired.’ …Why do you care now? Why? Do you have a reason or is it just a mystery?” asks an Englishman.

“I mean that’s for them! Okay! And that’s fine. I’ve got it. I just I don’t get why she’s railing on my family.” asks Wobbly calmly.

“She’s got some issues with them. For real. But…the but I think really…she gets the sense that you don’t think that she could be with Lem. …And that’s a HUGE problem. Because if you and your family are insisting he was gay and eternally in love with your uncle and that’s not reality then…that’s not reality.” says the Englishman.

“And Calvin Klein is Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren is Ralph Lauren…and I could’ve killed anyone at one of those companies and no one would have batted an eye.” says the dead 20th Century mafia CEO.

Smokehouse Blues by Jelly Roll Morton plays.

Later.

Paper Planes by M. I. A. plays.

A commercial for Wells Fargo comes on on Pandora.

Then Running Up That Hill plays.

“So you basically controlled the clothing industry or like you controlled the companies or…what did you control?” a child asks the mafia CEO.

“I controlled the mafia in almost the entire country…so that meant I almost was like a separate US President.” says the mafia CEO.

“Serious question because I’m noticing we’re shifting at the focus of this discussion perhaps wisely so at your suggestion-“ starts a living woman.

“Yeah!” says Thomas Banks, agreeing.

“Did the Kennedys not realize how powerful the mafia is or was I should say cause I feel like you’ve lost power. But when they first came into office did they not understand? Umm…what happened?” she asks.

“Lem, I’m sorry would you really have gotten Lacey pregnant? If Eunice had brought her over because they were friends in some Catholic charity organization, or she was one of our friends, which Wobbly’s thinks maybe is possible, but not really, and he thinks the charity angle is absurd. I am not sold on that but I actually could see Eunice doing that if she knew Lacey at a church, especially if Lacey was somewhat Catholic. I could see her thinking, ‘Oh! This sweet young woman wants to talk to him! He’s gay so maybe they can be friends!’ …And you don’t know if I’m being sincere or not but if I am hypothetically, you really would have gotten her pregnant?!? Even at like 20 when you were in your 50’s?! Like…it’s just it’s I might not be quite as floored by it as Wobbly for whatever reason, but it’s still shocking to me.

…You really would have gotten her pregnant, and that never happened to you before?! You never got anyone else pregnant?! Be honest you never got anyone else pregnant or almost got someone pregnant? You never slept with anyone?! That is hard to believe but I mean if she’s hearing that she’s hearing that. …But if you never did…she would’ve just waltzed into your apartment and you would’ve just gotten her pregnant?” asks Smobbly.

“He’s lame-ask-gay for a split second and then if stops. Do you hear it??!” asks Wobbly of the Illuminati like he’s a brilliant psychic scientist.

“No, I would have. I would’ve stopped acting gay like a ‘Trippin-fairy-weird to ‘people.’ …And people would’ve just assumed that I suddenly had become straight. Isn’t that something?! …Huh. …Wow.

You know this is the 70’s we’re talking about right? Or no? …And the people alive then wouldn’t have thought as much of it, which is actually something that irritates Michael on like a…historical-reality-level. Kinda how…people don’t realize that back then, if I suddenly married a woman and didn’t act gay people wouldn’t have batted an eye at it. They wouldn’t have thought it meant anything. No, they would’ve thought I had suddenly become normal. Be honest! …People really were like that!” says Lem.

“You really would’ve gotten her pregnant. Wow, wow.” says Smobbly.

Lem finds this repulsive. (Originally this was where this post took a break but afterwards it was edited to add the following conversation up until Joe Kennedy Sr. speaks again.)

“Do you think I was impotent? That I needed a penis pump?! What kind of embarrassingly narcissistic conspiracy theories do you boys come up with in your spare time? Some of the things you think are well founded in reality they really are and that’s why you’re dangerous people because of that because you actually do care about real problems. Problems that other people aren’t addressing.

But you know it’s really creepy you’re not hearing what she is saying and that means there is no Illuminati and we’re just ghosts and this is our way of trying to be loving to her or there is an Illuminati and you do hear me…even a little. And then what you’re not understanding is that she’s connected to you.

And you went too far, if I was straight, you somehow went much too far up my ass…and I didn’t ask for it. The thing is, Precious, I was capable of impregnating a woman almost until the day I died.

I was a sensitive, artistic, loving man who was capable of being faithful. No, I never slept with anyone. But to your Irish street trash uncle, my well-bred, sophisticated, romantic male mind seemed gay because he didn’t know any better…and I didn’t either.

It’s a surprise! I was straight! And very virile and horny as fuck! Boy was I horny! Did you kids know that I was extremely horny? I was extraordinarily horny actually, that was part of the reason why I liked taking heroin because then I didn’t want sex so much anymore and it wasn’t as painful not to be getting laid every night by my wife.

But no, it’s not funny. I was a horny straight man who wanted pussy…and ass…and tits…in bed next to me every night! Same woman. I don’t know. It just seemed kind of nice to me…but it never happened and I put up with it because I was a romantic, well-bred sophisticated man and that’s really all there is to it. I was a Christian. I was decent. I was loving. I have a really damn good mind. And that’s why I feel sorry for you lesser humans if that’s what it is…or did you choose to be crap? What is it? Did you choose to be crap or were you born that way?

No, the thing is, we wouldn’t of had a problem with sex because that’s just not who we are. I’m capable of going without sex and being faithful and she’s capable of it too but no, we would’ve been madly in love and we would’ve slept together and it would’ve been great.

You know some straight men really can be faithful, even though they’re straight.

I really hope you’re not that stupid.

I really hope you weren’t just born that way.

Because that’s pathetic.

Because it means you are not as fit as me and Jack wasn’t either and I should’ve just let him die.

That was a more Godly thing to do in a brutal world where when a piece of shit is trying to flush itself down the toilet you should let it get flushed down the toilet. You don’t smear it all over your face and try to make love to it like I did.

Silly me! …Oh my gawd!” says Lemmers pretending to be gay momentarily. He laughs a high-pitched laugh, shows all his teeth in a shrill, aggressive manner as he used to, except he’s far healthier so it sounds slightly less raspy.

“Oh my gosh that’s really weird! He sounds like a gay man! …Like for real! Like the raspy high-pitched giggle and then the way he’s talking. And the words that he accentuates? I mean it sounds like he’s gay again! So I umm…I think you’re gay again. …I think that’s what happened!” say most living people over 30 in 2023.

“Or are you not that stupid sweetie? Are you not that stupid and if you’re not then why are you choosing to be? Either way, maybe not all Irish people are as dumb as you if you are that dumb…and hopefully you’re not! The good news is that if you are that dumb, you don’t have to be if you can get over yourself if there’s Purgatory or if there’s Heaven, or you’ll be as smart as me, maybe even smarter. Or no, actually I’ll be a smart as you!

But yeah…there can be straight men who are very horny who are very passionate…who really want to fuck someone desperately to the point of incredible distress…and then if they’re confused or if they’re you know in a situation where they’re not able to have sex…they can restrain themselves, and I was one of those men. But the thing is because I was so on edge, if Lacey being Lacey had walked into my apartment and talked to me just a little bit too much and looked into my eyes. I would have tried to be a decent man and be honorable, but if I had the sense that she wanted me too, it would’ve been nearly impossible for me not to end up in bed with her and I think that’s wonderful. I think it’s a testament to the fact that we have souls and spirits and that God really does create people for each other at times.” says Lem.

“But it’s so stupid. It’s so stupid! No, it’s so stupid because she’s so stupid. It’s so stupid. It’s so stupid. She’s so stupid. It’s so stupid.” says Wobbly.

“You wouldn’t have even known! You would’ve been higher than a kite in the bathroom. But honestly, how is it stupid, why is this stupid?” asks Lem.

“Because she’s more than half your half your age younger than you! And she’s a woman and they have to be taken care of and you’re an old man and you can get her pregnant and then you have a kid and how do you not get that?!! Those are just practical, mature adult things to consider!

And then it’s like you’re in the bedroom with her fucking her…which is just totally out of my control…and I think if I could’ve helped you you would’ve understood that that’s not necessary! We don’t have to do that…to ourselves. We want to do that to each other we want to do that to win. Okay! But then we can just be celibate. …If we have to be like that at an old age…I don’t get why you needed to be with a woman. Much less her! …Because…she’s just gross.” says Wobbly.

“At this point, Wobbly thinks that he’s going to be ‘getting it on’ with Lem pretty damn soon…because he thinks, as per usual, that Lem is fucking hard as rocks…for…him.” says Joe Kennedy Jr. mocking his nephew’s evil and personality disorder.

Sunday by DJ Sunday plays.

“She would be an adult…and I was an adult. And I think we would’ve taken our chances just to be able to be one with such other even just once. Lacey and me, Lem.” says Lem.

“Wobbly is devastated to the point of suicide by this which is why he bounces right back into delusion because he literally can’t fathom this for some sad, mysterious reason.” says Joe Kennedy Jr..

“You have never felt that kind of longing for someone? Well…let me tell you it is excruciatingly wonderful and painful. It’s better than any drug that has ever been created or could be created, and it’s sad if you’ve never experienced that kind of fulfillment as a human being” says Lem.

“I mean you’re just like fucking her in your bed?! If you’re so cool, why can’t you do it in the bathroom?” asks Wobbly seriously. In the 1970’s. He’s crying. Snot drips down his arm. His eyes are bloodshot. He’s disheveled. He’s…20? 22? 21?

“Oh, if she had married me, we would’ve probably had sex in the bathroom. What is it? You’re looking for me to say, ‘Just because you don’t think I was an attractive older man doesn’t mean that she doesn’t?!?’ …I’m not gonna say that because you’re setting me up to seem like I’m coming onto you and I don’t want to do that because I didn’t find you attractive. I didn’t find you attractive, Wobbly. I didn’t want to sleep with you, Wobbly.

It’s sad that that was something that got into your head that I was in love with your uncle and I was in love with you, so if I was too nice to you in a way that was obnoxious I’m sorry. I might’ve given you the wrong impression about how I felt about you.

Some people say I was dotting but I couldn’t have stopped being myself. So I wonder what really happened. Do you?

You imagined a very flamingly gay, flamboyant, theater buff, musical loving extremely flamboyant…super ultra gay man. Because that’s who I pretended to be and I think that’s all you saw in a way in a way in a way. …I don’t think that’s true but I think that’s who you think I am and that’s not who I am at all. That was an act and yet that man may have doted on you because I felt sorry for you. You lost your uncle, you lost your father. Your mother was a bitch. Your house was a piece of shit. I felt sorry for you and then it translated through my gay filter and I seemed like your a super-duper-gay uncle. But that other part of me that you don’t wanna acknowledge because you’re either attracted to it because you’re not straight, or because it scares you because you’re worried I might’ve killed your uncle, is who I actually am.

I’m sorry you don’t know that man. That’s who I really am, Wobbly. That’s the only me there is.

Yeah that man probably did want a wife and didn’t get one…and then there’s Lacey. I mean are you kidding me?!

I’m in the desert and I find an oasis and the water is clear and there’s a perfect cup there just waiting for me to drink it. And it’s fresh spring water.

I might slip slowly so I don’t you know have some sort of physical reaction but yeah, I’m gonna drink the water and I’m gonna be thinking, ‘Am I dead?! Am I in heaven?’

Are you insane?!? Really.

Because if she came into my apartment…yeah as much as she loves me and wants me…I would’ve gotten her pregnant. Because that’s how babies are made. Sex. We would have had sex.

So if you want to have a conversation about how a 20-year-old stewardess fell in love with an 80 something year old man on a plane to New York City we could have that conversation or how a 20-year-old woman could fall in love with a 57 year old man we can have that conversation but it’s not pedophilia. It might involve genetics. It might involve eugenics. And that’s something that’s a little tricky to talk about isn’t it?” says Lem.

“No. No, no I had no idea what I was dealing with.

Do you want me to explain?! I can go into a long explanation like Red Fay. I am fully prepared to. Should I should I explain it to you? You won’t believe it’s me anyway, how about if I do it, let’s do that. I’ll explain! It’ll be fun. It’ll be a history lesson.” says JP Kennedy.

More in a bit.

…

JP Kennedy sighs in exasperation. The blog was overtaken and he didn’t get to explain his history lesson.

…

Joe Kennedy Jr. laughs at his father because he loves that his dad has a genuine sense of humor. Truly. That makes Joe Kennedy Senior cry.

“I didn’t deserve you as a son and I’m sorry that I failed you.” JP Kennedy says, weeping, to his first child, Joe Kennedy Jr..

…

Later.

Written On The Sky by Max Richter plays.

“Do idiots like you believe in Hell or are you not cognitively capable of understanding the concept?” asks Lacey of Wobbly.

“I would imagine that you’re my sister for a moment asking me that question.” says Wobbly.

“Whatever you have to do to be able to give me an actual answer for once do it because I want an answer answer the question.” says Lacey.

“Except if you’re my sister, then he’s our uncle or our father depending on how you look at it.” says Wobbly.

“And I’m not your sister, but imagining that I was, I would like to point out to you since it seems to elude you which is quite terrifying because I wonder if you’ll forget how to breathe or walk at some point not because of some sort of head injury, but because I’m worried that your brain will literally stop functioning, he’s not our uncle, he’s not our father. He’s a very strange man who fascinates me. Does he fascinate you.?” says Lacey.

“Yeah, he fascinates me.“ admits Wobbly.

“And yet I get the sense that you know that he would rather sleep with me. No, that’s not quite right. He actually he wouldn’t want to sleep with you at all. Not at all under any conditions, ever. And I do mean ever. I’m not being melodramatic. I’m being exact. When am I ever melodramatic? I’m not. I’m exact.

You are melodramatic and annoying. And that’s probably part of the reason why he wouldn’t ever fuck you because you’re like a worm. Are you even human? Answer me…now.

Do I need to kill you? Or can you just go away and not kill anyone else or yourself? Or cause any real problems?” asks Lacey.

Woo by Beach House plays as Wobbly dances. Alone.

And Jack Kennedy dances by himself too.

“Why couldn’t you boys find someone to dance with you? Joe has a literal room with women waiting to dance with him. I’m exhausted from trying to take down everyone’s name and phone number.” says JP Kennedy, breathless.

“I’m not a worm! Tell your little friend that I’m not a flipping worm.” says Wobbly, irritated.

“I should’ve guessed that. Worms help us have dirt…and I can’t imagine you ever being that humble and helping people that much. I shouldn’t have insulted worms, even if you are human.” says Lacey.

“That’s mean!” says Wobbly.

“Yes, it’s mean, which is an appropriate response to your behavior. Or did you miss that?! You still haven’t answered the question that I asked you.” says Lacey.

“People who are narcissistic like us delude ourselves into thinking that you don’t notice what we’re really doing and that you’re not like 10 feet above us towering over us intellectually, wholly aware for the most part of the shit that we’re trying to do to you. We imagine that we have confused the hell out of you and that you don’t realize how fucked/up and stupid our insults actually are.” says Casi.

“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you but no for the most part I catch on to most things as it’s very simple math. God is good and Satan is evil. God wins therefore all evil loses. It’s the equation that used to be used but then it was abused at times too but there’s a reason that it, you know, became so popular and don’t pretend to be stupid. You know what I’m trying to say.” says Lacey.

“Do you know where I get lost Wobbly and Casi? What is the point of what you’re doing? That’s what Lacey and I can’t figure out. Do you guys believe in Hell or or do you not get the concept? What what happens? Because it’s like you talk about evil like you know what it is. I mean you sound like you have a brain that works like ours…and that you understand what air is. But sometimes Lacey and I wonder if you guys are more like animals compared to us, in a very genuine way.” asks Lem.

And at that they in the Illuminati decide to do a strip search on a busy freeway of Queen Elizabeth II grabbing her breasts, examining her nipples, looking inside of her mouth, checking her hair, staring with magnifying glasses at her toenails, making her recite Shakespeare forwards and backwards. And then they are shocked to discover that she is not, at least genuinely in any way, sexually aroused, and that she has been merely tolerating them and their stupidity, sadly for them or not, the entire time.

It was a rather deranged experience, and she is now given more insight into what women like Lacey experience at the hands of mad men who shouldn’t have power of any sort.

“Oh, do me do me I want to see what it’s like too! Do me!” says a Jane Birkin.

She goes through it.

“That really isn’t arousing! They’re both right. It’s just weird! What you’re doing it’s just weird!” says Jane to They in the Illuminati.

“So there are probably a lot of new money assholes in the Illuminati who really think they’re affecting Lacey and they’re not and what someone intuited earlier today is that she knew I was probably straight over a year ago but then something happened. Someone told her that I cheated with Jack they insisted using the Holy Spirit, or they tried to pervert the Holy Spirit, to tell her that I cheated, and it ruined everything. She’s never been able to trust me since, and I have a very strong suspicion it was a Wobbly’s and Smobbly and their demons that work with them that did it. Lacey, I didn’t cheat.” says Lem.

“No, I have a hard time believing in Hell. I just can’t believe God would ever be that evil because there’s so many people that would be going there who don’t deserve it and I’m one of them, clearly.” says Wobbly in truth with no sense of irony as it’s telepathically transmitted.

Silence.

“Oh so I just wanted to add my favorite colors and everything that I like about everything and if I can talk for the next five years and interrupt you two that would be awesome. Is there anything I can do to break you guys up like I sound like I’m making a joke, but this is what I’m saying in my spirit and I’m being forced to say it. Yeah I just I’m not gay I’m not in love with him not love with her or maybe I am I don’t know we’ll see we’ll see. Umm…but I’m in love with…love…but really I have a point there’s a point to this. It’s that I’m really deep…and I have so much to say and, I know someone’s telling me to shut up-“ says Wobbly.

“Did I write the story wrong?” asks Lacey.

“Honestly, part of what happened is that I wanted to be able to touch you in person and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I started feeling homicidal for lack of a better way to describe it and then someone sensed that or or something along those lines. No you didn’t write the story wrong.” says Lem to Lacey.

…

“You know Lacey has great tits! They’re great so I’m gonna describe them to you! She described my dick so I’m gonna describe her tits.” says JP Kennedy. “And the reason I’m doing this is because she posted a video of herself wearing a swimsuit and 90% of the Illuminati has now misconstrued that image in their heads, like the imbeciles that they are. Her ass isn’t flat. It sags bit because she’s 40 years old but it’s still amazing and actually it’s unusual looking for someone in her generation. It really does look more like what a sex goddess or a starlet would’ve looked like in the 1940s or 1930s. Because that’s what their asses looked like in the 1930s and 40’s. Young beautiful hot chicks. They look liked Lacey‘s ass. Rather their asses look like Lacey‘s ass in the 30s and 40s-the hot chicks. She has a perfect ass but it’s from a different generation than yours.”

“So you know that we’re really just fighting with you and insulting you in a stupid way and you don’t take the insult personally because you know it’s just bullshit and you know that we’re setting you up to brag about yourself, but at the same time there really is no other option…which we don’t realize because we’re trying to force you to do something stupid because you’re so smart, but then what we don’t realize is that you’re we’re creating it’s totally an untenable situation. I think that’s the right word. Because there’s nothing we can do. We’re just pulverizing ourselves.” says Casi.

“As I was saying her ass looks like the hot chicks from the 1930s or 40s.” says JP Kennedy. “She has a flat stomach. It’s a little curved after having two pregnancies but no it’s relatively flat. It’s a little saggy but no it’s relatively flat. It’s actually quite sexy that it’s a tiny bit curved now. It’s not that curved but just a bit and then no I mean there’s nothing wrong with her.

She has perfect legs, they’re gorgeous and they’re amazing. Amazing! Like…amazing ass gorgeous, elegant feet. There’s really nothing wrong with her. You can’t find anything wrong with her because there’s basically nothing wrong with her.

…Except her chin line is soft, her nose has become just a tiny bit twisted over time due to medical reasons not because there’s something wrong with her nose thankfully but-and her breasts are small. Her hair has been lost due to anemia but no it’s still pretty. But no her breasts are small…and in that swimsuit they look even smaller. But they’re actually-in my generation they would’ve been considered off the charts, just brilliant breasts, absolute perfection! Like Pamela Anderson of the 1920s! So I’m going to describe them to you.” says JP Kennedy.

Put Your Head On My Shoulder by Paul Anka plays.

“Her breasts slope.” says JP Kennedy. “They slope. Well they’ve sagged a tiny bit, but they slope. They weren’t made saggy. They’re not saggy! They slope. They’re sagging a little now, but they they sloped, and they still slope. And it’s not like a triangle, but it is too. A triangle with a rounded side on the bottom, and the straight line is on top.” He thinks. “When breasts get too large they stop sloping in that gorgeous way. It was very popular in a lot of statues in the Art Deco Movement. Her breasts are better looking than those brass and marble breasts look…but that that that look that angular and yet it’s not angular it’s petite and it’s extremely nubile and feminine, but not angular like a man. …It has a sort of rhythm to it and has a sort of line like jazz. It’s like getting drunk on a good shot of whiskey or gin! It’s really lovely! They’re not round and big and in your face like the ones that are popular today. Sorry, that’s how those seem to me. Her’s are soft they’re round but they’re not too round there they’re her, they’re thoughtful. They’re personal and intimate and delicate. They’re youthful but they are they are youthful yes…but that’s not the point. It’s just the personal yet incredibly sexual nature of them.”

Silence.

“So you see that is why you need to stop criticizing her endlessly…because there’s really basically nothing wrong her. Her teeth are by nature crooked, her nose has become a tiny bit crooked because of problems with her teeth to some degree. Her hair has fallen out from anemia, and now she has a few tiny flaws with her skin, tiny literally, but other than that and the acne she had as a youth there’s nothing wrong with her. I mean it’s awe-inspiring.” says JP Kennedy.

“So then that look is not flat chested to you. How do you feel though like it’s not flat chested how is it not flat chested?!?” asks Mr. Blue.

“Because there’s a difference between flat chested and a woman who looks like Lacey. OK? I’m gonna post two pictures that are not Lacey. But the first one is a woman who is like Lacey and the second one is a woman who is flat chested. I am dead. It’s hard for me to articulate things perfectly, so why don’t you tell me what the difference is.” says JP Kennedy.

“This is a flat chested woman. A flat chested woman lacks a certain esprit in that area of her body. It’s not just about how big something is, it’s about the sort of liveliness of what’s there.” says JP Kennedy. “I snuck this picture in before you realized that you were supposed to pretend like I couldn’t post pictures on my blog from my phone anymore. You started doing that when Lacey was intimidating to you for reasons of class because you’re beneath Lacey, but this photo happened before you remembered that you’re supposed to be blocking that on her phone.

The next photo would’ve been of Lacey not literally but someone like her. It’s interesting because now that that just magically can’t be uploaded, much like the photos of the areas that she could’ve lived in that you would’ve never lived in because you’re beneath her.” says JP.

“Yeah actually, I like the way you describe it, you’re right. It’s a certain liveliness. I know what he means!” says a living actor.

“This isn’t a perfect picture but her boobs look pretty much what they look like in this photo. It’s a decent photo of her body and as you can see, there’s a liveliness to them. Does that make sense? That’s the difference.” says JP.

“Find another one!” says Mr. Blue.

“I was hoping you’d post that photo because I can’t stand that photo of her. What is it about this photo that I can’t stand?” asks Nancy.

“Is it her hair? Because that’s a terrible picture of her hair?” asks JP.

“Her hair looks British in that photo I guess I don’t know whatever you’re right it’s not that good of a photo of her hair. I think it’s just because her breasts look perfect basically in that picture and I just can’t stand it because her profile is different than most people, but there’s like really almost nothing wrong with it and if anything, it probably looks better in person and I just- Whe was this photo taken?” asks Nancy.

“Switzerland, it was taken in Switzerland in 2010. No, her breasts are small but they’re lively.” says JP. “These are photos that were already loaded to her WordPress account. I I would post a better photo but I can’t so these are just photos of her already in her WordPress account not on her phone.”

“But aren’t her aren’t her breasts a little more round?! I mean you say they’re angular but they’re not angular and I I know what you mean but like aren’t they like more round?” says Casi.

“They are round on the bottom, but they’re not round on top.” says JP.

“That is sloped, I’m imagining in my head and I’m seeing what you mean because that is sloped, you’re right. That’s sloped. And that is not a typical shaped breast for today either was that more common and when was that more common?” asks Casi.

“That was more common. Well I have to think it was, I mean it it happened in history um, probably more in the early 1900s late 1800s and it stopped being as common in the 1950s or 60s that’s when it stopped showing up as much in adult women.

So two things yes that’s part of the reason why Lem would’ve just gone gaga over her. It’s like going back in time and getting a second chance if she’s if she is showing up in his apartment at 22 it would be like going back to being 22 for him. So it’s not just like seeing someone who is massively younger than you. It’s more like just, you know, someone from his generation. …I don’t know if that’s where you were going with that entirely, but that is part of the reason why it was just an instant attraction for him. He may even know about her in the sense that he watched people like her get older and so he had insight as she’s an adult and she’s her and she’s a different person, but she’s in his generation.

Second of all, yes we knew Jack was not straight we knew because of questions like you just asked that he would ask in a gay way that he was not straight. We knew, I knew it’s very unlikely that my wife didn’t know his siblings knew, people knew, and our family we knew.” says JP.

“So you all were just automatically accepting of him. That is so wonderful. You are such a progressive family, that is so cool.“ says a Boomer woman with certainty.

“NO, we were not just automatically accepting of him! What a stupid as fuck thing to assume. My God help us! aI mean that literally.” says JP.

“Are we done for a while? I’m getting sick of writing shit on this blog. Yeah her tits are great. He didn’t do them justice, but whatever and homosexuality might not be allowed in Heaven sorry sorry…but really though fuck you all! Just fuck you!

It’s been interesting being quiet today and just observing.

I hate most of you, really I can’t stand most of you all and if you find Michael in Heaven and you have to see me, there are very few of you that I want to even say ‘Hi’ to. Not because I’m snobby because you’re just revolting. I’m sorry I’m swearing at you…and I’m sorry that I hate you but I can’t stand I cannot stand these people God. I can’t stand them.” says Michael to the adult They in the Illuminati.

Later.

“If Lacey is intuiting this correctly, Mr. Blue is possessed by the demons that aided and abetted JFK while he was alive. In a sense you could say that he’s possessed by JFK and maybe at times depending on where JFK is depending on what God allows depending on who he is and what he is partaking in he actually is possessed by the dead purgatorial-tormented JFK. And Mr. Blue that is why you are attacking Lacey to some degree because you ultimately want to kill Lacey and you’re trying to do it in ways that are totally narcissistic and impossible because you’re delusional you’re not living in reality and if Lem was straight neither was Jack. A lot of people are very gullible and even Lacey’s always been confused by him but he really was just straight.

The point of this whole thing though is that you’re trying to prove you’re better than her. Mr. Blue you were never in love with her, no you personally were offended by her almost like another woman would be, and then you pretended to be in love with her. But I almost wonder if you really were more just jealous of her than anything despite the fact that you’re attracted to women and her included. Because you were hurt by the fact that someone who didn’t go to Hell when you tried to kill her could be better than you? Who collected perfume and wrote a stupid little unedited blog because she’s far more elegant in her writing and in her thinking than you’ve ever been. And a lot of that has to do with breeding and you know that.

Quit yelling at me!! …You don’t know what I’m talking about!

I’m Michael Rockefeller and you demon go to Hell in Jesus name!

The thing is you’re full of lies! You never have a point! It’s never about anything but your ego. You’re totally full of your own shit and you’ve taken the entire world on a stupid as Hell bunny trail for no damn reason and yet you’ve been protected the entire time because people are dumb as fuck and they can’t believe that a man could pretend to be gay when he really wasn’t. You do realize men pretended to be straight when they were gay, you could do the same thing in reverse you know?

People like Lacey would pick up on both and she would never marry a gay man and apparently yeah she knows when men aren’t gay. The thing is, I’m angry because you’re trying to kill her, you’re just trying to kill her. You have no reason to do it you’re just pissed off that she’s better than you and you’re trying to kill her and that’s all that there is to you. That’s all there is! It’s so depressing!! SO depressing.

I’m sorry, what doesn’t make sense is that she’s better than you…she’s better than you…she’s better than you…AND YET…you’re trying to use the ILLUMINATI…to kill her…when she’s better than you!

Jack has been trying to kill her because Jack is threatened by the thought that she’s going to die. Yes, that’s how irrational he is. Because every year that goes by gets closer to the time when Lacey is going to be with Lem or with me and break Lem’s heart. And then Jack won’t be able to delude himself as easily. But until Pat died, he got away with it…and then Pat died and he found you. I know you’re trying to kill her but does that help Jack? No because it just brings Lacey closer to Lem.” says Michael.

“So if that theory is true and that’s not just nonsense then she’s connected to JFK’s murder in the sense that the Illuminati thought stupidly in the 60s that they could just kill Jack and then that would be the end of it. No more problems no more pick-ups he just going to go away because they probably believed rightfully that he wouldn’t go into a position of authority over almost anybody, but that would be why his son died around this time of the year which is interesting because his brother who died in a plane crash was born around this time of the year and died around this time of the year and then there’s Lacey who may be Lem’s soulmate and it just makes sense to me. It makes so much sense and this is why a lot of Christians would say that the Illuminati shouldn’t exist because you guys are dangerous, the supernatural is real and when you start doing what you guys do you end up conjuring people who are dead for a good reason at times like Jack.

I know if he really was this emotionally psychologically violent person to women in particular, and to Lem possibly maybe other men too he probably maybe was I’m not saying that that that that’s justifiable murder but I can see why some people in that situation would say, ‘He’s killing people. At this point we could have a nuclear war so let’s just kill him!’ I’m not saying that is right but I get the logic, but then again because of the Illuminati he doesn’t just go away so the problem doesn’t disappear and it’s fascinating to me that this is connected to that. It’s like unfinished business. And people need to be careful because if you try to kill Lacey or fix some thing in some way that’s not godly, you’ll just make things worse.” says an activist.

More later.

“Yes you were asking something and demanded that we start writing on this blog. What is it??” asks Michael.

“We’ve noticed that Lacey is awkward. I guess you could say? Or she acts kind of like a lesbian or a dork and I was just wondering if it was because she was molested and I was thinking that she’s not as awkward as Lem but then she’s more awkward at the same time, so I just was wanting to talk about her molestation to embarrass and harass her because she’s right I can’t stand her and I’m incredibly proud of the fact that I’m in the Illuminati. I’m a total shallow twat and I’m very proud of that. Makes me feel like right away cool.“ says Mr. Blue trying to sound English.

Dollars & Cents by Radiohead plsys

“I was incredibly ashamed of my sexuality and my body after I was molested by a man. Do you want to know what happened? I’ll tell you about it.

I was staying late, helping a priest in an Episcopalian church, possibly, do something with hymnals in the winter and nobody was around and I was attacked. He grabbed my body and started touching me and I went into shock and I tried to push him off, but I also had no idea what was going on. And I couldn’t I couldn’t push him off. So I screamed. And he was bigger than me, as big as I was, he was bigger than me and it was terrifying.

I had no idea what was going on but my body reacted. I got an erection, I may or may not have had an orgasm, but I definitely was affected by what was going on so I got aroused physically with the erection previously mentioned. I wasn’t actually genuinely aroused like you know like how I am with Lacey or even with myself, but I felt something physically because I was being touched very aggressively and my body didn’t know how to dissociate yet because I’d never been molested. And I never let that happen to me again. At least not in that way.

I told Jack that story and he thought it was hilarious. He thought it was a joke. Which made me wonder if I’d ever be as cool or sexually knowledgeable and manly and smart as him. It was such evil.

Jack thought he was just kind of a funny, wild, dirty old man. And he acted like I had just overreacted.

Telling him that story also gave Jack reason to think that he could do whatever he wanted to me, like the priest. If the priest was justified because I didn’t somehow fend him off, and I got affected physically. And I felt incredibly ashamed of myself. I felt incredibly ashamed of myself. I thought, ‘How did I react that way to a man?!’ because I knew what was happening after I researched it and thought about it and yet given the shame of what was happening I just reasoned that I was a homosexual and I was normal enough not some creepy ass freak, which is what I felt like.

I researched how to become gay. I did research and I had friends who I imitated and I was accepted that way. People liked me. I felt very accepted by Jack and his family in particular for being gay. Jack helped ruin my life, but that was how I reasoned through the shame and embarrassment and trauma, intense trauma, of what had happened to me.

But you know I acted sexual at times because I thought I was gay, but it made me feel less uncomfortable being sexual at all to act gay. And it was far more toxic than what Lacey has done. Also, I was abused by a priest, and it may have only been once. Yep just once. And yet it totally messed me up. Lacey was abused multiple times by people that she trusted and, she doesn’t think she’s a lesbian but she worried for a while, but not because she was molested…well maybe it was connected to that, but not in the same way. More because you know when you’re molested, you do think, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ and wondering if you’re a homosexual is one thing that comes to you as a logical explanation. And that actually isn’t but you’re searching for an answer and you’re a kid. Anyway, she desexualized herself because she was molested. I mean you were hinting at that and that’s exactly why she does it. That’s why I did it too. I acted very awkward at times to desexualize myself and I wasn’t that attracted to Kick, but I may have found her vaguely attractive and so I acted very awkward around her.

Lacey is not vaguely attracted to women, yet she feels uncomfortable around them for other reasons related to her trauma. I acted awkward around women who I was slightly attracted to but Lacey acts awkward about women who are attractive, but she’s not attracted to them and it’s more that she had that part of herself killed on a psychological level, so she exists sexually as an adult but it’s the part of her brain that is not a millennial it’s more my generation. And it’s shocking to her to see people who aren’t covered up. It’s genuinely shocking, and it just makes her seem prim and prissy or like a lesbian. I wasn’t awkward around women I found more attractive.

What point of this is is yeah of course she’s desexualized herself. I did too because you don’t wanna be attacked again. It’s just that simple. It’s just a defense mechanism because you don’t want to be attacked again. Does that make sense? It’s like if you do you know have skin damage and then you you could’ve moved out like a banded Band-Aid over the wound Because you don’t want something touching it it’s it’s a defense mechanism it’s just you’re trying to protect yourself from being attacked. That’s all it is. Is that make sense?” says Lem.

“So wait wait you’re saying that Jack molested you?” says a scoffing living gay man.

“In a way, yes he did but that’s not what I said.” says Lem.

“But you’re not saying that he was the one that molested you you’re saying that like it was a priest, right?” asks the gay man.

“I’m saying a priest molested me when I was in my early teens, which is why it’s molestation, and it was a priest. It could be rape if I was older, but I was young, I was under age and it was a priest. He was a grown man and he molested me, that’s what that word means and yes Jack did molest me in a way, but that is not what I said for a reason.” says Lem.

“So you’re saying that Jack molested you?” says a gay man.

“Yes, in a way he did but he is not the priest that I am referring to. Do you understand that or not?” asks Lem.

“I don’t think the priest exists. I think you’re making it up and I think it was just Jack and I think you’re just covering up for the fact that you’re still gay and that’s all there is to it.” says a gay man.

“OK so if that’s not what happened and I actually was molested by a priest or another adult male who I don’t want to discuss or just a priest why don’t you want to hear that?! Is it because it means I wasn’t gay and then you’re just wrong and you’re kind of self-important because you’re gay?” says Lem.

“I’m a Jew and I’m gonna ask you this and there’s another gay man who’s not and can’t because he’s not a Jew and he’s controlled by people who won’t let him ask you a really genuine question. Do you not get along well with actual gay men? Do you get into fights with them?” asks a Jewish gay man.

“I’d like to disown the Kennedys just one last time. Bye! Thanks so much!” says an Irish woman in Ireland.

“Yeah I had some friends that were gay but no, I actually don’t really get along with them as well as I once thought I did.” says Lem

“You know another reason she hides it is because it seems totally bizarre. Did you catch what Lem was saying. She doesn’t hide it completely but part of the reason it seems bizarre is because of how old it is. If she would really be herself, she would be wearing very different things and that’s part of the reason why.” says Louis.

“Lem, write what you would have said if you’d loved Jack.” says Louis.

“Okay.

You know, I’ve loved Jack my whole damn life. He was my best friend.

Or.

You know, I’ve loved Jack my whole life. There was nobody in the whole world like Jack. When I think back on all the fun times we shared with each other I feel less pain that he’s gone.

Or.

Jack made a big difference in my life. Because of him I was never lonely. He may have been the reason I never got married. Sure, I could have gotten married and had children of my own but, what the hell. What makes life worth living anyway? Happiness. And I can very easily say, I was one of the happiest men to ever live.

Or.

Jack made a big difference in my life. Because of him I was never lonely. He may have been the reason I never got married. Sure, I could have gotten married and had children of my own but what the hell. Let me ask you this, what would have made a happier life for me – to have been President John F. Kennedy’s best friend, to have had the best friend anyone’s ever had, or to have just settled down and gotten married? To have had my own room in the White House or to be just merely living somewhere? To live my life as happily as I could was always my intention.

Or.

Should I tell you how much I loved Jack Kennedy?

Or.

Should I tell you how much I’ve always loved Jack?

Or.

I’ve always thought of Jack as the best thing that could have happened to me because he was.

Or.

I loved Jack my whole life. Because of him I was never lonely. (FULL STOP)

Or.

I loved Jack Kennedy. He was my best friend. (FULL STOP)

Or.

Jack Kennedy was my best friend my whole life and we loved each other more than life itself.

Or.

Because of Jack Kennedy I was never lonely. He may have been the reason I never got married. Thanks to him I had an enormous amount of happiness over the years.

Or.

When you consider my life, never forget the love I gave to my best friend.

Or.

There are very few men who are happy in this damned life. As long as Jack was alive, I was always one of them.

Or.

Who has a happy life? Only the most fortunate. Count me as fortunate for having met Jack Kennedy.” says Lem.

“When did Lacey die?” asks a dead Peter.

“She’s still alive. But…maybe it’s like sex. Sex in our heart still is sex.” says Lem.

“So she’s alive. But…when did she die?” asks Peter.

“Her will to live gave itself to Christ at age 28. And she’s conceived two children since.” says Lem.

“So…those kids belong to her ex husband. But…they really could be your kids too.” says Peter to Lem.

“Theoretically whoever she’s with, yes.” says Louis.

“So I’m reading this blog and I might not be but if I am, you might actually be dead because giving up your will to live it almost sounds like you literally had no will to live at all like not like you went crazy and there’s a little left it’s more like some part of you is so totally exhausted hanging on waiting to be loved by somebody-I mean if your parents never loved you, your family never loved, your friends never loved you and then they made you think that they did but they really didn’t. It’s like there’s almost like a black hole and I would think that that would be exhausting. It’s like getting too dehydrated and dying of hunger. I feel like maybe that’s what happened to you, like your will just couldn’t go any further at like 28 or 12 or 28? I don’t know you’ve had 12 on your blog but I wonder if it was actually 28 and then you’re still alive because it’s psychological it’s your spirit. And your body is probably started dying like your thyroid problem and anemia? It seems like your body is like trying to find a way to die but you’re staying alive for your kids as you should but I think that’s the thing it’s like part of you maybe really actually is dead, like actually dead in which case yeah I wonder if you started seeing full body apparitions that weren’t hallucinations from like schizophrenia and being able to hear you know like audible voices that are totally accurate and sound like real people because you’re dead slightly but then you didn’t know that you were dead. And so you’re still thinking I should be with someone who’s alive I should be with someone who’s alive. I get it and in which case I’m sorry I took what you did so personally, it really hurts but I’m realizing that it’s like if you have men that you’re seeing who are right there and then there’s this guy who’s miles away and hasn’t really even officially acknowledged you yet and I did but not enough so I can see why you ended up with them because you’re in love with them they’re in love with you and they’re there. It’s like a guy you’re seeing who’s right there and really the only mistake I made was not being more assertive if I was actually interested.” says a living guy.

“The truth is, I was never going to let her be with anyone other than me. Maybe Michael or Louis but maybe not even them. You never had a chance. I’m sorry if that hurt. I hope you find the person and you will be in Heaven together with before you die if you’re a ChristianI hope you find them before you die. I don’t want you to lose your will to live.” Lem says.

“So she’s talking to the dead because she’s dead potentially. How did the Illuminati conjure her?

You guys started talking to her and she figured out what was going on and it probably was incredibly intelligent on her part but I wonder if you started talking to her the way that we conjure ghosts-did you conjure her? We’ve brought this up before and it gets thrown out because Wobbly or Mr. Blue or someone else doesn’t like it but we need to talk about it because it’s real I I really think if she’s dead, Lemmers probably is straight and your uncle was probably with her and then she was with Scott Fitzgerald and now she’s with Lem. If that doesn’t work out maybe she’s with Michael or Louis but the question is how do you guys not get it?! You conjured her!

And she’s living, but in a sense she didn’t have a choice. Mr. Blue it’s not a joke, you made it a joke in your head as a response to her taking it seriously but ironically, she could be living proof that you can sleep with ghosts. And you Mr. Blue you claim that you had sex with her telepathically how did you do that if you did it at all, and she’s dead? But she’s doing that 10 times more so because she’s already somewhat on the other side. She could be straddling the fence so to speak between the living and the dead in which case again it’s not a joke, you conjured her.

Do we tell every ghost that we talk to, ‘Say, forget it I don’t want to know what’s gonna happen next week in the stock market. I’m not curious about the flood that could happen in Mexico. It’s just a joke! I conjured you and it’s possible if we’re sometimes in the occult that some evil people really are murdering children to conjure up spirits but that’s just a joke! You know we’re slaughtering goats we’re sleeping with each other in circles and singing songs and shit but it’s just a joke it’s just one big joke. We’re conjuring all of you supernatural beings but it’s just a joke!’ No! That’s absurd! And it explains partially why her reaction is to feel speechless. She’s speechless because what is the joke? Mr. Blue you conjured her and in a sense she was resting and maybe it’s worked out for the best for her and Lem because God’s using it for the good if she’s asked Him to, but I don’t think you get it. There’s no joke the jokes on you you conjured her. And I’m sure she has to be responsible for her life and she’s worried about offending God but I really believe that she saw F Scott Fitzgerald in that statue. I really think he came to life. I don’t think she’s making that up and I don’t think she even believes it enough herself. I think she was dead to some degree at that point or dying and I think she really saw him.” says a Rush.

“I would like for them to know right what he would have written. Had Lacey died in a car crash and not been able to have kids.” says Louis.

“I can hardly wait till I die and get to be with my wife again in Heaven. And when I’m there I look forward to finally being able to have children.

Am I going to commit suicide? Absolutely not, that’s the silliest thing to do. I’m going to try to live as long as I can without getting remarried and but instead choosing to spend the next 30 to 40 years on break from my wife because I’ll be with her for eternity so the next 40 years will just be like a very long, quiet, thoughtful nap. It’ll give me a chance to sort through all the thoughts in my head, not to distance myself from her, but to really listen to what I have to say to know myself because we’re one anyway so it wont be distancing myself. It’ll be fine, better than that.

And on that note, Lacey, I am sorry that you’re losing your hair.” says Lem.

“It’s just so strange. I wasn’t expecting to lose my hair. It’s very creepy.” says Lacey.

“No you certainly were not. You know it’s OK that you weren’t loved. You didn’t do something wrong. It just happened to you.” says Lem.

“It feels like I did something wrong. I think I’ve totally failed at some sort of game. It’s just bizarre. Everyone was going by the rules and I just violated the rules somehow but I can’t figure out how I did it! The hours I have spent trying to figure out what I did wrong, every day I try to figure it out…and I can’t wrap my head around it.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, you didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. Who are you thinking of in particular right now?” asks Lem.

“Becca.” says Lacey.

“No you and I both like Upton Sinclair and breaking the rules the way that we both do it is not the way that Jack did it. …Darling, what are you thinking about-what it-what what about Becca in particular and then we should go to bed.” says Lem.

“I just can’t figure out how someone who is so conscientious to a fault could ghost someone it’s just disgustingly rude! It’s so rude. And then she writes me a year ago and it was 10 years later acting like nothing ever happened or if it did that it makes sense somehow, saying ‘Oh I watched Midnight In Paris and thought of you. How’s it going? We haven’t talked in a long time!’ and it’s like ‘You ghosted me!’ I wrote her a long letter, trying to figure out what the heck was going on and then she writes me 10 years later acting like she can just waltz in and patronizingly reminisce? Does she think I’m insane or stupid? I mean, it’s traumatizing and bizarre.” says Lacey

“ She meant to hurt you with that last message it was supposed to sound cold. I think she wants you to think that she didn’t need your friendship and that she’s victorious in life and that what you had together which was supposed to just be friendship didn’t mean anything to her she wasn’t taking it seriously because she’s better than you.” says Lem.

“ I was never dating her.” says Lacey.

“ no you are not you were never involved with her anyway that you were aware of I mean you weren’t but there are times I’ve wondered what she was experiencing because it it’s a creepy thing it’s possible that she made it homoerotic as they would say to sound sexy and glorious on a totally subconscious level and in which case if there’s any part of it in her mind that she experienced that way, it doesn’t matter if you contributed to it at all cause you didn’t it’s more her delusion it’s like she doesn’t think she’s gauge might not be person little part of her could be living in the reality that she is that’s one idea that somehow you were her girlfriend you broke up and she just wanted you to know that she did better than you but I suppose friends can be that vicious it’s just weird that she wants to just things her friendship itself didn’t mean anything to her the only other thing I can think of is that she’s a total sociopath I mean the way she treated you around the time that you got married became sociopathic.”says Lem. “ i’m serious I really feel like she had, and has very little concern for your feelings. I hope she’s not a sociopath, but it really does look like that she acted like a sociopath who has a friend who is going through a horrible marriage that’s falling apart and then you just throw your hands up in the air and go. I don’t know I don’t know oh well, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I think you know once you have a child and you don’t have to feel guilty for not talking to you anymore because I know I’m supposed to be your best friend but you’re married now you have a kid so you’re not my problem anymore you can talk to your husband when do you think that start it at the beginning but that’s that’s insane Lacey then who were her friends? Did she have any friends or was she just talking to people because she felt sorry for all of them to a certain degree, I think at times you were her friend. Oh, but I’m going to be daring and say that she was never really your friend. I think she knew you were love me and she felt sorry for you and I think she also wanted you to be her friend but I think she felt sorry for you a good deal more than she was honest about it and if you’d had a parent that loved you what would you thought of her?” says Lem.

“ how do you thought she was dour. Dour, and live in a particularly nice underneath her veneer of sweetness.” says Lacey.

“ she’s someone who you can’t count on at the end of the day so to speak because I don’t know that she really cared. I think you could talk to her gonna be her friend her, but she was very passive aggressive.”says Lem.

“ so I could drink tea with her probably maybe do a little gossiping watch movies, but probably not truster to actually care about me. I was so excited to friend. I was so excited to have a best friend. I felt so fortunate. I thought it just didn’t work out. I’m still in shock, so I really thought I had a friend.“ says Lacey.

“ do you know personality wise? She’s actually so much like Jack if I surprised you to hear that, but no they’re a little more like the name. I think she seemed sweet Jack made things fun, but Lacey they weren’t fun. They were really actually fun I am I smiles I am I, I seem so cheerful and happy, but they weren’t actually fun in the same way that you thought you had a great friend who cared about you do you could confide it, but you were really actually been taken care of and you were actually dying inside.” says Lem.

“ but I would think having fun is a lot harder to imitate then pretending to care about someone is it?” asks Lacey.

“ know when you’re a man physical fun it’s easier to do you know you throw a ball around you plan a trip you come up with crazy things to do like caring someone on their shoulders or taking pictures of their ass you know you invite them places demand that they come even if it means ruining their ability to hey, they stay on crew. I might be trying to tell you something he did that he maybe did that him might have told me you come visit me in Florida or else do you want us or through our friendship is over if you don’t come, I need you I thought you were a swell guy I need you down here I’ll be bored as hell, oh I’m gonna get kicked off crew oh shock slam. How do you expect me to do with these zombies will say meeting his family I didn’t want to lose the friendship or today. I felt sorry for him potentially so I thought no I better go down and be a supportive friend, have you ever felt sorry for someone like that who you were friends with?” asks Lem.

“ yes, not in that way, but I have felt sorry for people I think cats five friends I mean.” says Lacey.

“ no I don’t want to end the friendship you might’ve really threatened me sincerely really threatened to end the friendship completely. You had it with threaten my life at times you don’t believe that but no, he could be very demanding versus I chose to go down and be with him, but that’s not what you’re hearing you’re hearing that you threaten my life almost at least they came pretty close to it doesn’t sound possible but no he basically him he didn’t threaten my life but now I mean it was like you’ve got to come down here. it’s hard to believe the beat you up if you don’t come down there I’ll ruin your life somehow or I’ll never let you forget it. I’ll sock it to you somehow however he threaten me it affected me and no it wasn’t. I love with him but the thing is I I I don’t. I don’t think you get it it’s a gender thing she was able to imitate care the same way that he imitated fun.”says Lem.

“ What does fake fun feel like because fake hair just leaves you feeling incredibly depressed and sad. It’s like lethal. What is fake fun feel like.?” asks Lacey.

“ by the way, whether you think I care about you’re not a don’t care I’m not a demon and I’m lame. I don’t care Lacey this is it. I love you. I do care and I do love you I just have to somehow help you see that the thing is what is fake fun feel like it feels like you’re reaching for the Moon you’re reaching for the Moon and what a great thing to do but then you realize it there’s no reach, the moon has no idea that it’s being fish for you’re really just running around in circles doing meaningless activities that accomplish nothing and you’re nowhere closer to the moon then you were when you started you’re just wasting time at the top it’s devastating I don’t know that it’s as deadly as well. Use variance Experience to write it’s lethal, but what I experienced was incredibly demoralizing specially, as a man because it’s like what was the point of all that then what is the point of any of this? What is it? I just wasted all that time because you realize as you’re ending your fun activity That it isn’t going to end with any sort of victory so like, for example let’s say we played hopscotch together I might you know come to the end of the game and he would take the chalk get out a sprinkler and just hose the entire thing off the sidewalk and it’s like don’t we get to finish the game and find out who wins and he wouldn’t even hear me he didn’t even hear and he would be you know gone And it’s like we never finish the game and he never did anything literally that dumb butt it there was a lot of times when I thought why why are we? What are we doing? I love you hang in picture this is it. This is the nature of our sexual relationship, which speaking of which it’s like OK, I do this and you know, but it’s not like we’re having this hot, sexy sort of relationship. and I mean the picture makes it look that way, but even if you were having a hot sexy relationship with someone there be a sadness that wasn’t there in my eyes at his wedding and I don’t think things can really be hot and sexy in that way unless if you’re on incredibly good terms with someone, people don’t realize that but you think that and you’re right I wasn’t capable of that kind of self delusion I was too deep. A lot of the time when people write about me they make me sound incredibly shallow. It’s actually quite painful because I’m not. I was not the shallow little clear hang or honor bitch I don’t give a fuck about anyone. Anyway, speaking of that picture if it wasn’t quite as hot and sexy as Jack wanted it to be and you know what I mean if it was his idea I was will say it was all right. It was his idea. No I’m not I do things with you, even if I was bisexual, and madly in love with him because That’s still not like what we have really and I was straight that’s what I’m saying but I really might’ve been early might’ve been anyway the boy that I’m trying to make and we really do need to get to bed for the boys that I’m trying to make her picture is very fake I thought I was having fun but then I didn’t really make any sense as a progressed so we’re gonna take a sexy picture. Oh that sounds like fun a sexy picture it’s over that’s with you in this weird my point is why God. Because if I was there, I don’t care what Messiah College policy was I wouldn’t have been able to not sleep with you Lacey at that age we would’ve we would’ve ended up sleeping together and getting married and that are pending for sleeping together, but it wouldn’t very hard for us not to sleep together, I would’ve had one of those relationships over or we were always together and I would’ve realized that there was something strange about her and I would’ve probably ended that friendship but that’s what she had them doing to you and you were not the toxic one and it’s just I trust God I love him But I can’t stand it and it isn’t unreasonable to say why the world did you let that happen or how did it happen because you don’t think things happen that way and I might agree but how did that happen because it’s just disgusting absolute disgusting that really screwed you up because you were so beautiful. You were so beautiful And they were with his band. They weren’t anywhere they were you and D but they really they weren’t at Messiah and I wasn’t there. I knew I was going to have to intervene the exact moment possibly that I am showing you right now in your head, when you were standing in your room with her because she was your roommate, and it was at night, it was in November possibly December and I thought she’s killing her. She doesn’t even know it because this is not reality Becca you’re not living in reality it’s weird that your friend doesn’t have a boyfriend and if you cared about her if her counselor cared about her they would know that that is weird, no it’s a sick college very sick at this point at least it was when you were there and it might still be because people don’t find their spouse and then they’re at an age or really they’re supposed to be looking for that it’s a Christian school and then there’s just like what’s the point it’s the Christian school and who aren’t even finding anyone anyway I had another point I was trying to make but I might make off the block but we need to go to bed we really do.”

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