If Lacey is illegitimate why her father chose to bring her into this world in his late 80s is a question that he knows the answer to and we do not. It was most likely a very brilliant mistake, and he feels incredibly embarrassed by it.
“I can tell you even at 103 I still want sex with my wife at 88 of course. It was an accident. Apparently he was a very old man and it was an accident.” says a man at 103. He thinks. “ why are you how old will he even be right now I’m 103 he would be he would be close to 130. He thinks. I mean I’m 103, but 130? No, that man could be my father too.”
“I’d be 107.” says Lem. “You better watch out for me.”
“No he’s straight. That was awkward. No, he’s very straight you’re very straight.” says the living 103 year old man.
“I I am I am straight that’s true.” says Lem.
“How did they not know that?! I’d like to think I wouldn’t have been that stupid. I might’ve been but I like to think I would’ve known!” says the living 103 year old man.
“Well, Lacey knew. I’m sure she would’ve known and then too.” says Lem.
“You know Lem, I’d like to think that a person could just expect that that she would just know…maybe not all women or everyone, but that the woman you could sleep with to be honest, would know.” He looks irate. “I don’t like the Boomers. I don’t like that generation. I don’t. And it’s not something I say to most people because they feel like kids to me still but no I don’t like them. I look at them and I think ‘What did you do to America? What did you do?!’ because this woman should not be sitting at home crying-her-eyes-out with no one to go on a date with-“. He looks even angrier. “Don’t tell me about evolution! No, it’s not evolution! That may have had something to do with it…but I highly doubt that it’s just evolution.”
“Are you quiet or do you just not have anything to say?” says Mr. Blue.
“Also what do you mean ‘A woman he could sleep with.’ Do you mean like she’s nonbinary like what do you mean by that?“ asks a Gen. Z woman.
“She’s a slut. How about that? She’s not non-binary, she’s a fucking slut…for Lem.” he says laughing. He nods his head. “Women both did and did not put out in my generation, but she is one woman who he would want who would put out. That doesn’t mean that she’s not special…it’s just there are very few women that he really would’ve wanted that much and then there are fewer women in that category who would’ve slept with him, and she’s one of them who would’ve said ‘Sure let’s do it!’ if he persuaded her…and he might’ve enjoyed that and that’s what I meant and the truth is if it’s love it’s more than just persuasion. They’re in love. Does that make sense?” the living 103 year old man says.
“He doesn’t seem gay to you? Because he’s gay.” says Wobbly with noblesse oblige.
This man was not lacking words. He had too many words going through his head, and it made him quiet before. And now he sits in grave anguish, trying to figure out how to explain to Wobbly that Lem isn’t gay and it’s extraordinarily disturbing. It is to Lacey as well. But no one understands how extraordinarily disturbed they are, because no one has respect for their sincerity or their reserve, which exists for the sake of the preservation of human connection and truth.
“I I did I did know that he was straight and as I am 103 and I’m alive right now and you’re having this conversation with me in a way that you don’t understand yet. And I knew instantly that he was straight because I’m not an idiot! I read things, I do things, I see things I am like her but I am 103 and I am just as angry as she is right now at you for asking such a a stupid question. He’s not non-binary. He’s not bisexual! Why do I need to clarify that, how do you think I don’t know? When I say straight, I mean straight. I’m not confused about all of the different options.” says the 103 year old man.
Wobbly rolls his eyes. Like a very belligerent teenager with “an attitude problem.”
“OK so what I should take from this is that you as a straight man think that he’s straight but he’s really not he’s really bisexual, right?!” asks a gay man cheerfully. He means no harm.
“No, you’re very insulting. I could tell, she can tell too! You know if people had known in our generation in our youth what people know today and been exposed to homosexuals the way we are today in the media today, we would’ve known Lem was fake. 100%. He’s straight, you can’t fuck him you asshole.” says the 103 year old man.
“I don’t like your tone, you’re really angry and vicious and clearly homophobic.” says the gay man.
“You know if you really think that, you’re a fucking piece of shit idiot!” yells the 103 year old man, breathing quickly and heavily in rage.
Moments later.
“You don’t seem to understand what’s going on in this conversation! I am 103, I live in Saint Paul-“. He cuts off. “I don’t wanna explain it to you because it’s insulting to your intelligence but people in my generation would have known. Had he been alive today he may never have even made the mistake that he made…because he would’ve figured out, I’d like to think he would’ve figured it out…that he’s not queer at all. …But we would’ve automatically known today if we met him that something was amiss. We could try to have a discussion at some point when I’m dead as to how we just know that, but I can tell after talking with Lem for more than a few seconds, and she can tell as well probably instantly she tells by just looking at him for a split second…but if I talk to him for more than a few seconds literally just a few seconds I can tell that he’s straight. It actually makes me wonder if we would’ve known after a while in the past too…and Jack kept him somewhat isolated in very clever ways from people like me…and that’s all I’m going to say about it because I’m getting far too angry.”
“I want to think that I’m not brainwashed to think you guys wouldn’t just know that…but let’s just say that I am brainwashed. What does that feel like to just know that?” asks a Gen. Z them.
“Well, first of all, you don’t have to believe everything that we’re saying. There’s freedom for you to have your own thoughts and your own opinion, you’re allowed to disagree. That doesn’t mean that you should. What does it feel like well it’s kind of like smelling body odor. How about that? It’s like when you smell something on someone, like if someone hasn’t showered for a while and you just know they haven’t probably showered because you know the smell. It’s distinct and then you keep smelling it thinking, ‘You know that smells like BO and then they move around in such a way and you just kind of know that they’re needing to take a shower and then when they say ‘I haven’t showered for four days!’ …could they be lying? Yeah. So maybe it’s a little more definite than that…but it’s along those lines where you can just kind of connect the dots so to speak.” he says.
“Can you read everything she just said and verify that that’s what you really meant. I can’t handle that he wasn’t queer, it it just repulses me on a profoundly personal level.” says a gay man.
“That makes me very angry to think that she would-Do you think that-That makes me very angry. Your accusations against her character are personal to me. …Yes, what she wrote is far more kind and eloquent than what I might have said, but if I had taken that much time with my words, yes it’s accurate. It is what I am trying to say, it’s what I’m trying to communicate, it’s my thoughts and pretty much exactly-There’s nothing in error. I might see it a little differently, but it’s not in error.” he says.
“Do you dislike Lacey?” asks a Gen. X man.
“I don’t think of people in that way. I don’t necessarily like her, but I don’t dislike her. She seems like a human who needs help and I like helping people.” he says.
“Do you find her attractive?” asks Wobbly.
“Well, of course I do…but I’m not that desperate. There’s a lot of good looking women out there and not all of them are for you.” he says.
“What do you mean not all of them are for Wobbly?! …That was actually that was an insinuation. What are you trying to insinuate?” asks a woman.
“Exactly what you think. I’m a common man, just a common man. And if she had no one that it was OK to find men of the past attractive that that was just what she thought-it’s complicated and we’ll have to discuss this more slowly, but she wouldn’t have made mistakes in her life. How about that?” he says.
“You mean she wouldn’t have thought that the Kennedys were so superior if she’d been allowed and encouraged by someone to think that men of your generation, were all just attractive as compared to men of the Millennials?” asks the woman.
“Yeah, I am and that would’ve been depressing as heck when she was 15 but it would’ve helped guide her life a lot more. I love that she’s had kids and they’re her kids and they’re great…but looking at it from the perspective of a Boomer I think that she should have known that she was allowed to find us attractive.” he says.
“As in like ‘Oh you’re not crazy for thinking that men of that generation actually are better looking!’ So she was brainwashed into thinking that she just didn’t understand what she was seeing?” asks another woman.
“You know I’m not talking to you anymore because you understand what I’m saying you just don’t like it…and that’s not my problem.” says the currently living 103 year old man. He leaves.
“OK so let’s just cut the bullshit. Lem was straight and you’re lying about it and there are a few people who are hold-outs who think he was possibly bisexual and then there are some people who maybe staunchly think he was gay but I bet in the Illuminati if people were to be honest, none of you would really think that he was gay anymore. Don’t lie.” says Casi, outraged.
“You know what?! He was gay!” says Wobbly OUTRAGED.
“I think you actually know that what I’m saying is true and that’s what you’re angry about Lem. But I bet you have some new analysis of something he said or did that Lacey could poke a hole in in like five seconds. Do you know that you never analyze anything she is saying and you just think that you magically know because you knew him. You’re an irrational idiot” says Casi.
“I said he may be, as in…well let’s think about this, it’s possible.” says Lem. “And if I said it an endearing, he may be la di da type of way, I might have actually been being sarcastic. …Regardless, I am the one that said it. And I know which way it is and the truth is you don’t like it because it makes me seem innocent and theoretical and that destroys your perception of reality.”
“Do you know what I think? I think Lem’s might have been gay. …I think he was gay. I do! And you know I don’t think he had anything to do with shooting your father or your uncle. I don’t think he had anything to do with that at all. …I think…I think that’s that’s really what’s going on here. It is that Lacey came up with this totally satirical, absurd concept that Lem shot jack just to mock us.” says a Muslim man.
“Well of course! Duh!” says Wobbly, sincerely.
“No, that’s delusional!” says God?
“God is so funny, we are such besties. Ahh…he’s totally making a joke you guys.” says Wobbly.
“Are you really like the only hold-out in the entire Illuminati who insists Lem was gay. I think he was probably bisexual based on what Red Fay said who was an adult who knew him but that’s me just being rational and a woman at the same time. …You’re a backward hick from a backward Irish Catholic family…and you’re probably queer yourself but you’re closeted and you psychologically cannot process what you’re being told…because I think you are like your mom and you to delude yourself into thinking things to avoid reality…because you literally would kill yourself if you understood reality.” says a female reader to Wobbly.
“Like how my wife hung herself when she found out that I wasn’t everything that I was supposed to be. Yeah, possibly G! Wow, you’re a genius!” says Wobbly. He scoffs.
“You know your voice does sound gay just slightly. You really are queer aren’t you? You’re you’re mostly straight but I bet you actually are bisexual for real. You’re a closeted bisexual.” says a Gen. X dude reading this blog.
“I think if she had been raised around people in her generation, she would be a lot clearer on what she thinks, but she can at least try to explain to us. It’s in his voice. You don’t you probably-Ahh…you had a crush on him. People probably lied to you and made it seem like he felt something for you to to try to be nice to you after your father died…and I think it’s sad that you wrote your book. If this is actually you and you’ve been questioning who shot your father or who shot your uncle endlessly? Ahh…you know the answer…but you don’t like it. Just like you know that Lem probably wasn’t in love with you and you don’t like it. Lem was like Al Franken, Lem was like Sydney Pollack. Those men are straight. He does look straight.
Lem actually does look straight. It’s hard to explain but he has a straight look. That doesn’t always mean anything because I can’t see what Lacey can see but he does seem straight to me too in a way.” says a Gen. Z woman. “No I just think you’re delusional and you’re in love with him and you don’t want to be honest about that or any of it…because you don’t want to admit that he wasn’t in love with you. I don’t think you’ve ever experienced someone turning you down that you really wanted other than Lacey and Lem. Umm…and maybe a few other people and I think it’s just like you can’t handle it…like you’re too spoiled. You literally cannot handle hearing no. It’s not even that you just get violent like you like you psychologically decompress…like you can’t handle being told no in a real way.” says the Gen. Z woman.
And at that Lizza M. gets upset.
“Why?!” asks Lem in sweet, fatherly concern.
“Why are you concerned about my feelings!? A straight man would never be that concerned in that way.” says Lizza.
Lem looks ready to kill her. But you’d never know it by looking at him. Well…Lacey knows…but you…wouldn’t.
7 Weeks & 3 Days by yungatita plays.
He scowls and rocks in his chair. Then he gets even quieter. He finally lights a cigarette…crosses his legs…leans back…blows smoke out of his mouth thoughtfully.
Eventually…imperceptible to everyone there other than Lacey…he laughs. He laughs heartily. He can’t stop laughing so he stands-up and walks away.
When he comes back he seems calmer.
Jack arrives. He’s carrying a Birkin. His hair is bleached. His collar popped. He just arrived from 2006. Clearly hungover he sits down at the outside metal table. He smokes a cigarette…leaves his sunglasses on.
Mandy Moore strips naked. The actress. Sings 7 Weeks & 3 Days karaoke for Jack.
Jack takes off his sunglasses and looks mildly confused. He stares at Mandy Moore.
“Moore is a very Irish name.” explains Pat Wilson. She dances with Lacey mockingly.
“This is some hot shit music!” Lacey says Pat Wilson.
“Fuck that! It’s cool…it’s so…hot.” says Pat.
“Hey Jack!” says Lem, boisterously. He leans over and kisses Jack’s cheek. Then he holds Jack’s face between his hands. Glares violently at him. …Recognizing his usual stupid look of determined delusion…in the belief that Lem is in love with him…Lem kisses Jack on the lips quickly. Then he backs away…slaps Jack so hard on one cheek he bleeds…and then laughs at him. Then he gets out at razor sharp sword from the 1800’s and cuts off his head. Then he digs the sword into Jack’s spine. Then he knocks over his chair. Then, ‘reanimated’ because they’re already dead…he takes the sword and stabs Jack in the skull that’s trying to move back to his body. Then he takes the sword with Jack’s head on it and mildly beats Mandy with it. She cries, sincerely.
Lacey has been harassed her whole life by being told that she is just like Mandy Moore and Katherine Heigl. Over and over and over and over and over again.
“You’re not…Irish.” says one of Lacey’s first cousins. “We’re not either…but you are…English. Not…Irish.”
“Yes! It’s like being told you are totally identical to a Jew when you’re a Palestinian. Or being told you’re totally indentical to a Palestinian when you’re a Jew. …It’s…not…necessarily…a safe comparison on any…and…every level.” says Truman Capote. He looks sad. “The Illuminati just was trying to insinuate using Liza and Mandy both that Lacey was queer, poor, lowly and absolutely identical to Mandy Moore if she would just lighten-up and stop being so stuffy.”
Pat Kennedy strips naked. Jack’s sister.
The song starts over. Then 40 Irish assholes strip naked.
“Woohoo!! Let’s watch the Irish…glory.” says Pat Wilson.
A dome of glass is formed over them as Mandy Moore and the Irish Katherine Heigl sing. They all fuck each other. They don’t want to. But…they don’t have a choice. Their sexual free will has been overtaken in the afterlife.
“Suck thus cock! Take a photo of it!!!” Jack demanded of Lem to the tune of 7 Weeks & 3 Days. And he a
Lem looked exasperated…but…he was trying to be a kind gay husband to his difficult, always high, always horny, always sick, always condescending, always moody…BITCHY…’wife’ Jack.
“Jack was always ‘on the rag.’ He never had a good day! Every day he was sick, every day he needed drugs. Every day he needed to be fucked 50 million times…he was always an ass. He was always a fucking cunt. Constant cunt. He was always ‘on the rag.’” says the 103 year old man.
“That’s love! He sliced his head because of lent up sexual desire and longing. I read it! …And it’s backed-up by historians. Not some cunt who has health problems and just wants sex…named Lacey Banks.” say most living gay men.
“Did you just read what she wrote?!?” pleads a Gen. Z woman.
“Did you?!? It’s bullshit! …Jack demanded sex from Lem?! He…WOULD HAVE LIVED FOR THAT!” says Wobbly.
Liza…looks victimized and confused. “No…I didn’t kill my mother to fuck her dead corpse. I’m not a psychopath. But…it sounds funny…doesn’t it?”
“Oh my god! I love you!” says Mandy.
Lem opens the glass dome and throws Mandy and Liza into the glass dome.
“That’s dumb! There’s a door on a dome?!” argues Liza thinking she’s won the argument.
“Yes. That’s the design.” says Thomas Banks.
Liza, who is UGLY and narcissistic…and a total controlling bitch…realizes that there could be a glass door. She however…doesn’t feel like fucking a group of sweaty Irish people.
She stands near the glass door and pounds on it.
“Time to take a dip! They’re getting uncomfortable. I love when people get uncomfortable. You can suck out their brains that way.” says Jack, excited. He stands-up and then walks over to the glass dome. He opens the door…and walks in, past Liza who smiles at him on cue. She looks devastated by the click of the door behind him. She swallows hard in shock.
She’s been to orgies before. But this one…is…gross. She decides to just stand there and try to conserve air.
“Well! That was my idea. I had to make a quick phone call.” says Lem.
“Josh Hartnett lives in Minnesota?” says a Gen. Z employee of The Man. She assumes the state must throw parades for him…considering his fame and the paltry nature of the rural state.
After Dark by Mr.Kitty plays.
A parade for Josh Hartnett with him on a fire truck drives by the glass dome. The song plays loudly in the air everywhere the fire truck parade goes in Minnesota in the afterlife. He’s not ‘billboard famous’…but he’s…a moviestar.
“Didn’t Josh Hartnett fight in World War II as a fighter pilot?” Wobbly asks Jack Kennedy, his uncle.
But Jack Kennedy can’t hear him. Jack is cool with being killed repeatedly….until Lacey dies…or Bobby dies…or Ethel…or Joe…or…his daughter…because…he doesn’t want to admit he was very wrong his whole life.
Judy Garland goes to open the door to let out her daughter…if she was innocent in her mother’s death. Liza cries. Judy and her walk off. She had wrapped a towel around her daughter beforehand. Liza looks very confused. They exit together. It’s almost as if Liza is a teenager again and needs some confusion cleared up by her mother who’s now available for eternity.
“You can kill me! It’s cool!” Judy says to warn Liza about their counseling sessions. “I’ll come right back. Or not if that’s actually therapeutic.”
“So Lacey is…Jack?” asks Wobbly of a talking bird in Heaven. The bird picks out Wobbly’s eyes in a rage. It had been watching the forced orgy with deep anguish.
He reanimates.
“That’s what I love!” says Wobbly. “A bird who reanimates its base, primal instincts.” He taps the table in front of him with both hands.
What Was I Made For by Billie Eilish plays.
“So…Lacey is Jack?!? And I helped write that film to explain my genius to her.” he says. “A few of us did. …Because…we are…BRILLIANT people of the light. And we…clearly…it’s so clear…really. It couldn’t be more clear. We understand her!!” he says. Then he blinks. Picks up his beverage and sucks through his straw. Crosses his legs. Blinks.
“You think she’s Barbie?” asks Lem. “That’s Athalia Ponsell!!”
“Who’s Athalia Ponsell?!?!?” scoffs Wobbly, acting like Lem wants to jump his bones. He bats his eyes. Smiles shyly. He’s having an attempt at a Timothée Chalamet moment.
The song plays.
Thinking he’s being super smooth he says, “Remember…when we floated?”
In the background JFK stuck in the glass “pleasure dome” bangs on the glass. He wants Wobbly to let him out. The air is getting so thin one Irish man died. He’s laying naked on the ground, unconscious. He was rather overweight.
Jack desperately pounds on the glass.
“We floated above the treetops. Soaring…with our minds.” says Wobbly dreamily.
Lem tries not to laugh at him or strangle him to death or vomit.
Wobbly caresses the thoughts in his mind…like…strands of silky bliss. “We…made love, Lem. You got high on my needle. …’Give me more Bobby! I don’t…feel it.’ you said. ‘I don’t feel it!’” says Wobbly trying to suddenly sound overtly sexy.
Three more people who had heart conditions while alive collapse in the dome and die.
“You stared at me.” he says. He bounces his eyes up and down to emphasize his…meaning.
Ten more people collapse and die on the pleasure dome. Jack begins to cry realizing that Wobbly is totally uninterested in his yells for help. He stares at Wobbly coming on to Lem. And at first he’s mad and jealous and devastated because he thinks Lem will be stolen by Wobbly. In Jack’s mind a Kennedy man only need talk to Lem for five seconds too long in the wrong way…and he’s gone. He’s tortured Lacey with that lie her whole life.
But…then…he realizes that Bobby…looks…like…an…idiot.
He…feels crushed for him.
He stands aghast. Open-mouthed. Tilts his head in compassion.
Seven more people behind Jack collapse and die as Jack stands, palms on glass, watching.
“Bobby…I wanted to kill you. I was tricking you. I was appealing to your ego to try to kill you.” says Lem. “I didn’t want to experience drugs like sex with you. I was dumb. But I was also a virgin. I had no idea what I was insinuating. I knew it was like sex…but I didn’t think of it that way. As difficult as that is to believe. It wasn’t supposed to be sexual between us. It really wasn’t. But…sex with Jack was never like that for me. Or with any other man.” He thinks. “I never lost myself in pleasure. Because I was straight and always mildly repulsed. I didn’t want you. The drugs were not a surrogate for your cock. The needle was not a surrogate for your penis. Not for me. …I just wanted to hook you permanently to drugs.”
“But you could have lost yourself in enjoyment to Wobbly?” asks a bird.
“I see your point! But no. I didn’t know that was a thing.” says Lem. “I wasn’t that sexually aware.”
20 people have died. Jack still stands. Watching.
“Lem…Lemmers…it’s ALL just a joke. It’s just…a world of broken promises…broken hearts…broken lives.” He moves closer to him. Leans in slightly. “I want to be your rainbow.”
The song plays.
“Wobbly I need to stand-up.” says Lem, playing along to mock him viciously.
The song plays.
“Hey! So! Go on!!” says Lem.
Wobbly laughs lovingly as always.
And at that JFK collapses and dies. In a matter of minutes everyone left in the glass pleasure dome will be dead.
“Huh! So…you…love me?!?” asks Lem mockingly leaning forward, resting on a metal chair.
Wobbly looks offended. He sits suddenly taller. “You’re not like them.” he says, then he cries. Shoulders shaking.
“Awww!! Go on!” says Lem mockingly but it goes over his head.
He laughs. “I…love…you.”
“Me? What about me?” asks Lem mockingly.
Wobbly laughs tenderly. He looks up into Lem’s face and into his eyes. Lem is looking at him with pure hatred…eyes bulging…
“Lem. Your eyes. Are so…intense.” says Wobbly.
The glass dome behind them is full of dead bodies as the sun sets.
Lem hides his rage…as he used to regularly do. Dead eyed…he smiles sweetly. “Wow!!! Tell me more.”
“Your eyes got that way from drugs. And crying. …I know. …But I don’t…make people cry.” says Wobbly.
Mary walks over and sits down.
“Bobby. I want to have a threesome.” says Mary.
A plate of cement hors d’oeuvres is placed on the table between them.
Wobbly grabs a cement crumble. He tries to bite into it. He refuses to give-up.
“Did you hear what I said?!?” asks Mary.
He nods. Takes the cement out of his mouth.
“Eww, Mary!! Eww!” he says.
“Eww!?! Why?!?” asks Mary.
“Because it’s not like that! You’re gross now!” he says haughtily.
“You don’t fuck women?” she asks.
“No!” he says.
“Why not?!!?” she says.
“You know I’m kidding!?” he says. He does a cool move with his hands he invented as his signature weapon in conversation.
“So let’s fuck Lem!” she says.
“No!!” he says as he picks up a cement crumble and tries again to bite into it.
An hour later he gets a piece off with a drill. It’s a tiny piece. He savors it.
“This is exotic.” he muses to himself.
Lem has left. When Wobbly tried to eat the cement crumble with his teeth for over a minute Lem left. Mary promised to be “right back.”
And Wobbly returns to the cement with a drill moments later.
“Hey, babe!” says Mary.
“Hey!” he says.
“Are you loving the cement crumble as much as me?” she asks. “Oh my hod! I’m getting so FAT!”
“It’s meaty!” he says.
She sighs condescendingly. “You don’t know how much I love this!”
“Really?! Us?” he asks.
“No. This.” she says.
“What’s this?!?” he asks.
“This is.” she says.
“Where’s this from?!?” he asks. He drills off another piece of cement.
“Beirut.” she says. “They found it next to a corpse.”
“Is it fresh?” he asks.
“Fresh?!?” she asks, aghast.
“Yeah!! It’s fresh!!!?” he asks.
“Bobby…it’s cement.” she says.
“So?!?” says Wobbly.
bellyache by Billie Eilish plays.
“What do you know?!” says Wobbly. Lights flash in face. And for a hundred years he repeats…”What do you know?!?” over and over.
It’s not said as a real question. It’s said as a commentary. It’s an existential quasi-question.
“What do you know?!?” he says as lights flash in his face repeatedly over and over again.
Who is he talking to? It’s nebulous.
And at that Ireland waves goodbye to the Kennedys, “Bye-bye Kennedys, bye-bye! Gee! Gee, thanks for helping us! You saved the day! Thanks!”
“What do you know?!?” says Wobbly in his ancestral evil-poor shack.
“Bubbles!” says JFK high, in response.
“What do you know?!?” says Wobbly.
“Bubbles!” says JFK high, in response.
“What do you know?!?” says Wobbly.
“Bubbles!” says JFK high, in response.
“What do you know?!?” says Wobbly.
“Bubbles.” says Jack. He’s dancing now.
“What do you know?!?” says Wobbly.
“Bubbles!” says Jack.
“What do you know?!?” says Wobbly.
“Bubbles.” says Jack.
They stare at each other.
This goes on for a thousand years.
A black man in Africa laughs. He’s dead.
It was meant…to destroy evil? Or was it a joke on Lacey? Huh.
“Does he ever get out of that conversation with Jack or do they just cease to exist?” asks a Greg Boyd.
“I don’t know.” says Lacey.
Silence.
“It’s possible that as they’re still alive that because they’re in the Illuminati, at least in part because of that, they’re engaging with Purgatory now…and they’re not supposed to be.” says Lacey.
“And that’s why…ah…I suppose that’s why you’re in Purgatory too but against your will…because you’re innocent and they just did this to you so they did this to you? And now you’re dealing with ghosts in Purgatory…and it isn’t really your choice…but they’re kind and England and so…they’re trying to help you…and it actually might be nice to talk to some dead people because you’re maybe an old woman?” asks Dr. David Miller of Messiah College. “You know you’re full of shit and you’re a total fucking idiot going to hell for eternity, right?” he says to Lacey. “See you have a fuck-brain. No, I don’t want to hear any sort of a questioning from you as a woman it doesn’t matter how smart you are or how wrong I am or how demonically possessed I am. You’re only meant for fucking it’s a Messianic Jewish thing.” He laughs in victory. “When you look at me with your eyes, I can tell that you find me just a tiny bit attractive and that is the equivalent of stripping naked in your case but you’re too stupid to know that. You’re not supposed to have eyes you’re supposed to be totally eyeless, and I am going to get on my hands and knees and pray to God tonight that he gouges out your eyes so that you aren’t evil anymore.”
“Before you do that may I ask you a question about your infamous Habakkuk assignment?” says Lacey.
“Well honestly I am not working there anymore and I have retired into a life of extraordinary excellence, so I don’t have to give two shits about you anymore anyway, that’s not what I’m paid to do. I’m exhausted!!! …I spent decades of my life helping people that’s…that was my goal…to be a hero. And I succeeded as everyone knows…but you know just for old time’s sake…go ahead and ask a question.” he says laughing with his sycophants laughing in response.
“I never had sex with you I just found you mildly attractive but no, we never had sex. I just wanted to make that clear for people who are confused reading this blog. I wouldn’t hopefully have ever entertained thoughts of doing anything sexual with you in any way-I didn’t…but you know what I might’ve thought about it. Because I analyze things very thoroughly and I decided against it. I decided that you were too hideous to bother with…just to clear that up for people who have brains that function. So that was delusional on your part to think that I am just because my eyes became mildly dilated due to very mild arousal that it meant really anything in my case. No see…that’s what you were reading and actually many men did…because you’d had sex…and so you thought well, ‘I think she’s crazy about me.’ No I wasn’t I was just straight and I am, and I just found you very mildly attractive. So women get dilated eyes dilated pupils when they’re aroused.. I actually don’t think men necessarily do…but women do actually men might but I know for a fact that women do. Like sexually aroused, you might have changes in your pupils if you’re angry or under stress but I think women for a fact, actually do have that response. I suspect men might not, but I’m not positive about that.
Anyway, tiger now that we’ve got that all cleared up. Um, that assignment sucked shit and your whole class was boring as fuck. Do you know why I got it so wrong? Because you remember? You humiliated me in front of my entire group of peers who hated me. They were jealous as hell of me because I I was prettier and smarter than all of them…and they hated me and then you made fun of me and shared things with them that I didn’t want them to know. But you knew that didn’t you because you’re just a sociopathic piece of shit? I told you in confidence that I was under incredible duress psychologically from PTSD at the time. And then you shared that with the entire group to explain why you weren’t going to fail me for being such an idiot, in your estimation. Do you know why I screwed-up the answer? And you better as much as I can muster, you better listen to this…you seemingly worthless shithead in relation to me. Because it was too stupid of an assignment. But all the other girls who were bubbleheaded little fuckwads, including that bitch Arden, who was popular and mildly pretty, and who certainly had her head further up her own ass than I did…understood your painfully dull-as-fuck, awful question. But because you wanted us to think you were a Jewish-genius, who went to Berkeley and has a degree in biology…I took you seriously as an intellectual, as I’m still tempted to do.
The question you asked was too simple. I’ll repeat that in case if you’re as dumb as I worry, you could be: the question you asked about that book was far too simple. That book was obviously a very complicated book. It wasn’t just about God’s divine retribution on our behalf, in my opinion. Wasn’t that what you asked us? ‘What’s the main moral of the story?’ Like, ‘Kids, what’s the main moral of the story for the entire book of Habakkuk?’ And I’m sorry if I shouldn’t be saying ‘main moral’ that’s probably too sophisticated for you to understand right? Or no no you’re still a rocket scientist compared to me? I’m sorry because to me right now you seem like an idiot at this age.
See the problem is the message that you were trying to teach, ‘God defends us!’ is just part of like common-sense Christianity…and for a Millennial American Christian that that isn’t life-changing. To a group of kids raised in a church it was something we’d heard dozens of times before. At least it wasn’t to me. But if Millennials listened to pastors in the American churches once or twice or three times even the 1990’s that was all we heard to some degree, during the war in the Middle East, that was frequently repeated. ‘God defends those who worship Him. He loves us and so God defends us!’ …You had no just reason for us to learn that under the premise that it was supposed to be in your own words, verbatim, ‘life-changing.’ How is that life-changing? It’s not life-changing in a positive way to rehear the same thing you’ve already heard countless times.
You had nothing original to say. And yet you kept insisting that what you had to say, was something that would be original that would change our lives, and that we’d thank you for for the rest of our lives for what you were about to teach us. And so I had my expectations high that I was gonna discover something genuinely ‘life-changing’ in the book. And if I didn’t discover it, I was going to be in deep trouble, but I thought, ‘You know that’s a risk worth taking for something life-changing.’ It wasn’t life-changing to any of us probably, but you know no one took you seriously potentially at all. Because you were a backward George Bush ass-kissing piece of shit to most of your students at that school. They knew that you would say simplistic, dull-as-dirt, atheist-inducing nonsense, or they were completely fine with it because they planned to be just as disingenuous and vile as an adult themselves someday. You adored being worshiped by your students? I think you might just be a malignant narcissist, but I don’t know if that for a fact you could just be a clinical narcissist? Not a malignant one?
Anyway, I was expecting something life-changing and I looked for it and I couldn’t find it and so I made something up that I thought seemed like something that you would think was life-changing based on what I knew about you if I remember correctly. I think I thought ‘Honestly, most of what they teach is partially made-up. Not all of it, but a good part of it is just bullshit…and it’s safe bullshit because they don’t swerve too far from the actual core of Christianity, but a good portion of it is just bullshit.’ And that’s the problem so I was looking for something that was hermeneutically nonsensical, but that you would find appealing from your perspective. And then you just ripped me apart for trying to complete the assignment as I understood it.
What excuse do you have because I’ve wondered you knew secretly that I was innocent, and didn’t realize what I was saying, and felt insulted because you had thought that was just the-coolest-assignment-ever. So did you just feel insulted and took advantage of my innocence as a young woman because I had insulted you far too much? I mean maybe you did know that I didn’t want to screw you and that hurt your feelings? So it was the straw that broke the camel’s back when I insulted your infamous-brilliant-assignment in your eyes? Or what was it? What is what excuse do you have for being so vicious and unaware?” says Lacey.
“You know…I’m sure the antichrist will make a lot more sense than me!” he says.
“How is that an answer?” asks Lacey.
“Because it just is!!” he says.
“Not really…” she says.
“Your boobs were too small!” he spits hatefully.
Lem rolls his eyes.
“For what?” asks Lacey.
“For sex!!” he yells.
“That’s absurd. …Why do you hate me?” asks Lacey.
“Because…I’m a Jew.” he says.
“Huh. That’s a theological thingy?” says Lacey.
“Yeah!!” he responds.
“Can you explain?” asks Lacey.
He relaxes into a teaching position. “Okay. See…let me backtrack.” He thinks. And thinks. And thinks. “You know…you didn’t worship me. I think I didn’t like that. You just respected me. But I felt like you weren’t respecting that assignment.” He looks grieved. “You…didn’t work that hard.”
“What does that have to do with the size of my boobs?” asks Lacey.
“If you’d had big boobs I’d have felt sorry for you.” he says.
“Huh. What’s the structure of that premise look like further?” asks Lacey.
“So…you’re an idiot.” he says apologetically.
“That’s total nonsense. Try making sense.” says Lacey.
“Okay! You’re…extremely beautiful! And it was really annoying to see you in class.” he says.
“Hmm. And I’m very smart too, possibly. But…what does that have to do with reality? Nothing, necessarily. Unless you mean that.” says Lacey. “Do you have a normal conscience enough to answer honestly?”
“Yeah okay. …No, that’s pretty much true. And sometimes you’d wear perfume too.” he says.
“Yeah, that’s true. I may not have analyzed that accurately the perfume I mean. That that that is awful. The problem is I don’t know what I was supposed to do about that.
…That was my experience with most male professors to be honest not all but most, close to all, and it made it basically impossible to learn anything because they kept flirting with me potentially, and at that age it was offensive. There are some men who I wouldn’t have found that to be offensive as offensive with, but with most male professors who were 10 to 20 to 30 years older than me 50…it was offensive. There could’ve been some exceptions, but it just it was it was offensive and then the question is why was it that difficult for you to psychologically handle that?” asks Lacey.
“That is not the question I expected you to ask I was not thinking of you when I wrote that assignment I was thinking of people who would just look for the most obvious answer.” he says.
“Actually, I think you did expect me to ask that question so then answer it.” says Lacey.
“You’re not supposed to be as pretty as you are. I’m supposed to have to imagine that you’re beautiful. You shouldn’t be so obviously beautiful most women are in some way but also you have to sort of play tricks in your head to think of them as beautiful with you it’s so obvious that people get offended and then play tricks to make you seem ugly and for men, they think ‘Well that’s silly, women can be that beautiful!’ and I should’ve realized that you were probably just looking for a husband like everyone else is…but in my mind I thought she’s in my classroom maybe maybe it’s me.” he says.
“Well huh…you know if I’m illegitimate I don’t know if you’re a pedophile or not, but either way you seem like you’re slightly thinking of me in a childlike way like I’m a mother and you’re a child. It it’s magical thinking and that’s how children survive and if you were in my kitchen and I was making you dinner and I wasn’t making dinner for all the boys in the whole neighborhood you’d be right to surmise that I love you as a son and that it’s different than the concern that I have for all the neighbor boys. But because I was an adult who is younger than you, and I am not your mother, I’m not related to you at all, I wonder if you got confused. If you’re a pedophile, your brain may just be that deranged to begin with, and if you’re not a pedophile I wonder if you got confused and started having magical thinking tragically coupled with normal adult sexual desire. In which case why did you think that I could be your mom? That’s troubling. …No I I was not interested in you almost at all and certainly not in some perverted way, but it seems like whether you meant it to be perverted or not you somehow got confused and started thinking of me in this magical way, so it would be like if Marilyn Monroe came into your classroom and you thought, ‘Marilyn Monroe‘s in my classroom so she must be in love with me!’ And maybe she’s not, maybe she’s just in your classroom.” says Lacey.
“Well I think on a certain level I didn’t like to think that my daughter was inferior to you but beyond that you just seemed like my mommy…but that’s embarrassing to a man who’s in his 50’s or 60’s when he’s looking at a 24 year old woman. I don’t know why, though maybe it’s the German in me if you have any German ancestry. I worry that somehow genetically you felt like you could be my mom. The question is, though why don’t all men in my generation six hat but beyond that how did I know that you could end up married to a Jew from a science perspective? It’s astounding that I had a sense if that’s true that you could be my mom how did I know that? How did I think this woman feels like a mom to me? Cause I’m trying to think if you were an absolute millennial bombshell, would I have found you as a tractive I think I would’ve but how would I have reacted to that?” He thinks. “I would have taken your lack of interest in me as personally because on a certain level, you’re kind of my age genetically, potentially. But the other part which scares me it’s creepy to say it I am a Jew did some Jews in the holocaust have to find mommies like actual mommies who weren’t there mommy and that’s why I was just like this is my mommy and then it’s just got weird. How did I know that you could marry a Jew there must be something in my DNA that told me that that you could be a mommy.” He thinks. “ I hope I wasn’t perverted. I have to check with God on that. I doubt it but I have to check with God on that.” He thinks. “ as to the assignment I think you understood it. I think it just was painfully stupid for you or you know honestly, if I had to write this statement for my parents generation, or for my peers, even I would’ve hesitated because yeah, I think my peers or my parents, but I found that assignment incredibly excruciatingly, obviously it was just doll. Yeah, very insulting. In a way I think other people may have felt that way, but probably not as much as you did.” he thinks. “ I was a total asshole to you. I’m sorry have a feeling you didn’t feel safe talking to me alone which made it impossible for you to ask me questions and I have a feeling most professors were like that with you you could ask them questions because you’re afraid they fall madly in love with you or some stupid shit like that so-“ he says.
“ you know you should really apologize to her you should just say sorry I just said I was an asshole say I’m sorry.” says Lem.
“ I don’t want to say I’m sorry I shouldn’t have to say I’m sorry.” he says.
“ why not you should apologize.” says Lem.
“ that’s not fair!” he says.
“ it’s plenty fair.” says Lem.
“ no I don’t know about you you’re not the boss of me you’re not my dad!” he says.
“ your mother is not in love with you she’s not your mother remember she’s just a nice lady who you think is attractive, but you really should apologize young man.” says Lem.
“ why is my mommy in my classroom dressed up like a pretty lady she’s a pervert.” he says.
“ no she was a pretty lady she was younger than you and yes she was in your room. I don’t think she knew that she was that pretty and that way what would’ve made you feel more comfortable for her to have dress like?” Lem asks.
“ why isn’t she wearing a dress and a hat and gloves maybe some lipstick in the perfume would be fine but she should’ve worn a hat gloves and had a bag her. Her husband must’ve abandoned her that’s why I am I’m not so sure about you.” he says.
“ all right well that’s some thing that I’ll have to figure out with that nice lady just think of her as a nice lady with a hat and a bag and gloves and a dress and then does she seem less scary?” says Lem.
“ it’s just why is she in my classroom I think she’s in love with me.” he says.
“ no sometimes nice ladies in the past went to school and got college degrees.” says Lem.
“ she should be at Bryn Mawr, sweat Swarthmore, or Vassar. She should not be here. This is not really a ladies college in that way.” he says.
“ what if she was married to one of your friends?” asks Lem.
“ she looks more like your wife, then one of my friends wives, but I could kind of see it. Yeah, those are the lucky guys.” he says sadly.
“ not when their father loses all of his money in the great depression.” says Lem.
“ you’re you’re not speaking from experience you’re fooling me.” he says.
“ no I’m not fooling you my father lost all of his money in the great depression at least a lot of it. Most of it wished we were still up for class, but we lost a lot and maybe not as much as everyone said, but we lost enough for it to be dangerous for us socially, and I know she’s not a pervert she is not and was not a pervert you wanting her to be is maybe some sort of hatred or if your perverted yourself you’re projecting that onto her, but she’s not a pervert. You could also be scared I mean, why is this woman in your room? It’s kind of creepy you know it but it’s almost more like seeing a ghost it’s not a horror film where you are suddenly the graduate you’re not Dustin Hoffman, even if that film traumatized you she’s not seducing you that’s a mixture of your narcissism and at least some sort of suspicion maybe hatred of white upper class people Because I’m not lying my father really lost all of his money in the great depression right that’s not going to be taken literally but he lost a lot of it. He lost enough for it to be dangerous for us socially just think of her is like a ghost at this point because she’s not supposed to be but that seems to be the only way to get you to understand what’s going on.” says Lem.
“ what are you doing?” Lacey asks Al Franken.
“ I think I need to be honest.” he says. “ i’m in love with you.”
“ so I can’t tell if you’re pulling my leg or not do you want to snub me desperately I can tell so try to snub see if it works.” says Lacey.
It’s 1950’s Minneapolis. Lacey Banks is playing outside in the summer. She’s 13. So is Al Franken. She goes to a local hotspot where all the kids play.
“ hello!” she says pleasantly to the boys hovering in a group by the park bench. They just seemed friendly enough to greet.
The boys say hello and she thinks that’s the end of it and so she keeps walking to the swings. It’s a good day for swinging. Al Franken goes and sits next to her on the swings and decides to start talking her up. He flirts. “We can go make out..” he says.
“ you know that sounds lovely but I have absolutely no idea who you are.” she says.
“ you’re in love with me I can tell.” he says.
“ what does that mean to be in love again I mean I’ve been studying it in literature, but I don’t entirely recall what that concept is.” says Lacey.
“ well, it’s just a fancy way of saying you know you know necking and stuff like that.” he says.
“ is that what you do it parks you fall in love with people? Personally, the concept to me seems terrifying quit exciting I suppose, but also very terrifying.” says Lacey.
“ my friends told me I should snub you.” he says.
“ why didn’t you? Or are you going to snub me?” asks Lacey.
“I don’t know. Should I?!” he says, irritated.
“ are you asking that in a real way I would love to have that conversation. I’ve been reading a lot of literature this summer.” says Lacey.
“ I’m Jewish.” he says.
“ where did the where did your people come from in Europe before you decided to become Americans?” asks Lacey.
“ oh, my mother doesn’t know exactly, but she thinks it’s somewhere probably in Russia.” he says.
“ why are you staring into my eyes like that? Is that a Russian custom?” asks Lacey
“ no no don’t you see, I’m trying to start a romance.” he says.
“ is that how romances start because you know in books when people make out they always cut to it and I was wondered what the in between part was. Is this what happens before people start kissing?” says Lacey.
“ I tell you watch why do we go back to my house and make out and then you can write a list out for me of all the books I should read so that I can figure out what’s going on in your brain.” he says.
“ well, I’ve never made out with someone before. So that sounds like fun, but do you have a safe house?” asks Lacey.
“ my house is very safe. My father made sure it was before he bought it.” he says.
“ see my father Waze tells me to ask that question and people that I talk to you or my friends always seem to know exactly what I’m talking about but I can tell that you don’t entirely.” she stares at him.
“ if that doesn’t make sense, why would your father be worried about the safety of everyone’s house?” he asks.
“ I don’t know, but my father is a very important man in the city and so maybe he hast to worry about people kidnapping me.” says Lacey. “ because whenever he tells me ask if peoples houses are safe here he says, there are a lot of people in the city that love us, and then there are a lot of people that hate us, and the people that hate us are terrified of what I can do to them and he he means money.”
“ is your father, the mayor who is your father?” he asks.
“ no no my father is not the mayor. The mayor is come over for dinner if you times, and sometimes we’ve actually even talk to the president with vacation occasionally in Florida.” says Lacey.
“ why why would I snub you?“ he asks.
“ well I don’t know our house isn’t that big it’s a nice house but it’s not that big and sometimes little girls I’ve seen in Minnesota have blonder hair than I do and come from bigger houses with fathers that are Meiling a lot more than mind us and I think I was supposed to be that happy if we were that happy and we lived in that big of a house, and I had blonder hair maybe we would’ve seen President Eisenhower for longer than two hours and Florida two summers ago something tells me they’ve seen him three or four times in their entire life one little girl that I know told me that her mother has been to the White House 34 times I don’t believe her and then another little girl that I know well of course I shouldn’t say a little girl anymore. That’s so silly and so scientific about everything that must be aggravating. My nanny said when I had a nanny that was regular she said that it was endearing, but there was a little girl that I knew who used to ride horses with me when I was in the riding horses you know like when it was sort of a hobby of mine and she definitely knew the Roosevelts and I don’t know that we ever met the Roosevelts if we did I wasn’t there anyway long story short there are people in the city that stop me sometimes I don’t understand why and then there are some people who seem quite sure that there’s something wrong with me and I thought maybe you knew but I don’t do you have a safe house?” asks Lacey.
“ I think you’re crazy.” he says.
Then he leans over and just kisses her right there. “ we should go back to my house”. He says after a short while.
“ well, all right that sounds like fun I assume you have a television?” she asks.
“ yeah yeah absolutely we have a television.” he says.
“ is your house safe?” she asks.
“ do you know why don’t we ring your father on the phone when we get to my house and I can talk to him and you can talk to him and we can find out if he thinks it’s safe. I have a feeling he’ll say yes.” he says.
“ all right as long as you promise me.” she says.
“ I can’t promise you that I won’t kiss you some more but I can promise you that we can watch television and call on the telephone to your father. My mother will probably try to make us dinner.” he says.
“ what is your mother make?” asks Lacey.
“ she’ll probably make some sort of you know her regular dinner.” he says.
“ well I don’t know what kind of cook your mother is but my mother is a terrible cook and we have a chef so sometime you should come over to my house and I should have our chef cook for you something Russian maybe.” says Lacey.
“ do you know the way to my house? Why don’t you already just start just start telling me lay it on me. What have you been reading this summer?” he asks.
“ and so they walked back to his house and as they’re walking back to his house, she tells him that she’s been reading a great deal of books baths social class first in Dublin, Karl Marx, and works by several doctoral students at the U of M in the anthropology and sociology departments her father, let her ask some favors to read them when she said that she was curious to see what a doctoral thesis looks like.” says Lacey.
The two became high school sweethearts and officially had a relationship where they went to study for two years in high school. It’s unclear if they would’ve been married or if he would’ve gone Harvard met his wife or someone else and married her instead, it’s very unclear maybe they would’ve been married maybe they would’ve been if he had gone to Harvard and married someone else would he have gotten over her maybe maybe not if you’re going to Harvard and married someone else would he have gotten over her and she would have dated Louis Hill Junior Maybe maybe not would she have decided to go to Harvard to try to meet him and her father would’ve told her to go meet the Kennedy boys instead?
“We know them we know them we have friends in common. They’re good people just pop in and say hello!” her mother might have said.
So Lacey would’ve popped in to say hello, and what I found that the boys were very receptive to friendship, but that Bobby wanted to relate to her more as a business associate. They actually would’ve gotten along very, very well and they would’ve had a very similar way of seeing certain things, and he would’ve thought that she was trustworthy because of that he would’ve decided that she was sort of like a guy, but not like one of the boys more just a woman that he could relate to as a friend in an entirely non-sexual way. I am so he would’ve gotten the hut idea to take her to New York with him to go hang out with his pal in Billings. He would’ve anticipated that Lacey and them would end up falling in love. But for some reason, it made sense to him to go to New York with Lacey. Possibly he had the sense that if he took her to New York, he would look a lot more sophisticated to a lot of his friends and even if she didn’t put out they would assume that she was and it was good for his reputation. Did he have the intent to try to get her addicted to heroin? Yes, he might have. But Lacey would have no one most likely no one, and not to use it based on lots and lots of sense about medicine and biology. She would’ve had a sense that it could poison you slowly or overtime and do that fear of poisoning. She would’ve been quite sure that it could kill you if you took too much and she would’ve decided that it was hard to greater risk and far too heavily into witchcraft for her liking. Somewhere along the line, she got in her head that witches used to kill children using heroin when they were orphaned when they didn’t like them very much. Or if it was just a very evil witch and so she would’ve decided that she wasn’t going to partake, and possibly die of some sort of potion from an evil witch.
“ you aren’t interested in getting high tonight?” Lem asks her.
“ why do you when I get me high?” asks Lacey.
“ oh, probably to fuck you. You know how men are?” says Lem.
“ oh, you’re one of those men aren’t you? I’ll have you know I’ve already lost my virginity.” she bites him by saying.
“ to who Bobby?” asks Lem.
“ no no no no no I don’t sleep with him.” she says sadly.
Lem looks empathetically sad.
“ oh no, no it’s OK it’s fine. I prefer that way. No, I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend he went to Harvard. I broke up with me and I’ve barely seen him since.” says Lacey.
“ why did he break up with you?” asks Lem.
“ he broke up with me because he said that he needed to go to Harvard and he didn’t think that it made sense for us to be together anymore. As a couple he didn’t get much more explanation. I actually came out here to try to visit him and see what in the world was going on but he doesn’t really want to talk to me or so. My mother said to go visit the Kennedy boys and I did and I’m in New York and I’m talking to you where did you go to college?” says Lacey.
“ why didn’t you just go to school with him?” asks Lem.
“ no Harvard is for boys I’m kind of traditional I suppose I’m not a boy there’s no way I would be able to fit in at Harvard. I’m just not like that I like to wear perfume and lipstick although I don’t do that so much anymore because that’s not the thing, but I do dress, probably fairly conservatively for most young women in my generation I just don’t have it in me to go to Harvard. My mother owned a Chanel suit that she let me wear it once when I was a little girl and I have never been of the opinion that a Chanel suit would fit in at Harvard. What do you think? Where did you go to school?“ says Lacey.
“ I went to Princeton I thought about going to Yale, but I went to Princeton instead.” he says.
“ I have my degree in art history from the University of Minnesota and I think that’s all I want to do for now I’m sorry I must be boring you.“ says Lacey.
“ no, you’re not boring me I wish that I had known you and I was a lot younger. Would’ve been fun to have taken you somewhere far away. I made love to you.” says Lem accusingly.
“ oh, you don’t think I’ve ever actually slept with anyone I really have I really have. I’m an innocent person relatively speaking but I fell in love.” says Lacey.
“ but I can tell you’re also a very Christian and I know Christian young ladies don’t have sex before marriage, in my generation they never did, and you’re very bashful. And what’s more why didn’t you get pregnant?” says Lem.
“ because my boyfriend was sort of a genius, and he knew how to prevent pregnancy extremely well. And honestly with my being a mother right now but I’m not I’ve never had an abortion I just never got pregnant.” says Lacey.
“ yeah, I got pregnant once.” says Lem.
“ how could you possibly have gotten pregnant? I don’t understand.” says Lacey.
“ I have a penis, but I also have a vagina.” Lem says.
“ you do and how did you have sex with a man are you homosexual?” she asks.
“ i’ll have to show you that I have to show you!” says Lem.
“ you’ll have to show me what?” asks Lacey.
“ i’ll have to show you how I have sex.” says Lem.
“ are you trying to sleep with me?” asks Lacey.
“ what if I was what if I am?” asks Lem.
“ what if you were? When?” asks Lacey.
“ you are the woman of my dreams. The truth is, I had a sexual relationship myself and with Jack Kennedy, Bobby’s uncle, but it was not good. And even though I am an old man, this point relatively speaking, I’d like to lose my virginity once and for all, and you are exactly the woman I have always wanted to sleep with. I’m lucky you ever showed up.” says Lem.
“ so you had a homosexual experience and now you want to know what it’s like to have sex and pretend like you’re not in love or do you just fall in love cause I had to pretend like I wasn’t love I wasn’t old enough to get married, and I was never entirely sure that you really wanted to marry me even though I was in love with him, and I think he might’ve been in love with me.” says Lacey.
“ you’ve had a very different life than me. I’ve had a horrible life compared to you.” says Lem.
“ you’re heartless.” says Lacey.
“ no I’m not no do you know maybe you’re right maybe your life really hasn’t been that great compared to mine how do you know that though because it sounds like you had this wonderful experience with this young man who broke your heart, he broke your heart. I’m jealous of him, and it makes me happy to think that you were heartbroken, but but then I have to realize that you’re heartbroken. Is that why you’re sleeping with an old man because let’s be honest we’re going to end up making love to each other tonight our way I want you so badly. Oh my word!” says Lem.
“ you’re right I’m probably in love with you if it’s not because you’re an old man you’re very handsome. Actually I don’t even know what I’m saying, but no I am I’m not interested in you because I was heartbroken and that way I got in a sense that’s true I just don’t see why you were just mad, the thing is he was short and he hated that about himself and he was Jewish and I lost him to Harvard because he felt so desperate to be popular with people who he admired and I was not enough he outgrew me. He really thought that at some point he was brilliant, absolute absolute genius, but I was not quite exciting enough even though I came from wealth and he was fascinated by that first but then he lost interest because somehow by being with him I wasn’t quite right now if anymore and the money wasn’t exciting because it was just from Minnesota. My father was just from Iowa and I just went to the U of them. I wasn’t going to fancy school because my family is from Minnesota and we suffered occasionally in Florida, but we didn’t live on Long Island or in Connecticut or any other number of places that are far more glamorous than Minnesota and honestly I don’t care. I love Minnesota, but he started to feel very insecure about it and by the time he realized that he was going to be a very big deal someday I no longer made sense at least that’s the way I figured it so I had to let go of him and I have but now I’m just tired of so many things and your age is really not particularly exciting to me as it issue of debate. I’m sort of over that nonsense. I’m sure there are perverts. I’m not one of them and I doubt you are either.”
“Well don’t break my heart!” he says.
“I’m not going to…unless you’re evil.” she says.
“Take my hand. I doubt anyone will notice we’re leaving.” he says. “I need you.”
More tomorrow.
“I inspired Barbi
M
Keen to Cross the Pond 