“I’m jealous!”

“After being kept up until 5 o’clock in the morning by a severe thunderstorm, her daughter waking up and Al Franken pretending to get jealous over Lem Billings Lacey found out some rather fascinating information about his wife.” says Michael, laughing.

“Ahh…apparently his wife dated Chris Dodds.” says Lem Billings. “And no, I do not mean Chris Dodds, the US Senator, which would make sense if her husband was a cheater. I mean Chris Dodds, as in Lacey‘s first serious boyfriend at Messiah College.”

“I was shocked. I had no idea how she ever met him. …She never explained, but I started trying to say that I felt triggered by Al pretending to be someone that he wasn’t in the exact way that Chris Dodds did it…because he reminded me of Chris Dodds…and she interrupted me and started saying that she had dated Chris Dodds and I was insane” says Lacey.

“How did you meet him? I’m curious too. You know, he’s from Pennsylvania. I am also from Pennsylvania. It’s…it’s comforting to know that if you’re full of crap Al we don’t need to worry about you anymore…and we’re not convinced that you are…but ahh…how did your wife meet and start a sexual relationship with Chris Dodds of Pennsylvania, Lacey’s old boyfriend I’m fascinated.” says Lem.

“It’s news to me too. It’s a real plot twist.” says a Melissa M.

“That wasn’t real!” says Franny, arrogantly.

“I’m sorry what? You’ll have to clarify. What wasn’t real?” says Lem.

“I am incredibly angry right now because we can’t see into peoples hearts and you lie really well so if you are not you-if you are not actually in love with her, my entire argument is lost and you wasted my time.” William F. Buckley Jr. says to Al Franken.

“Could…could Franny please just let us know how she met Chris Dodds. Where?!? You’re in an open marriage, he was in Washington DC. He was an intern for a libertarian think tank and then he went to school at Johns Hopkins for grad school. …He was probably in your vicinity. How did you too end-up fucking each other?” asks Lem.

“I was not made aware of him. It’s news to me as well. He’s short?” says Al Franken.

“No, he’s a little taller than you, but not by much. Where did you meet him Franny?” asks Lem.

“I don’t think I ever did. I may have fucked quite a few men, I mean a lot to be honest we have an open marriage and I might hook up a lot with people but I don’t think I ever slept with Chris Dodds.” says Franny.

“Why are you changing your story? …I mean you an hour ago you were adamant about it! You literally cut me off just it-just to clarify and then put me in my place once and for all that you had dated him not me. So what happened? Are you half awake?” asks Lacey.

“I thought you were delusional bitch!” she says with conviction and a great imitation of the Holy Spirit.

“Why??” asks Lem calmly.

“Because his name is Chris Dodds, first of all, dumbass. And second of all, you’re too ugly to fuck mud!” she says like she’s just owned Lacey into genuine extinction.

“We heard you have sex the other night and you moan and grunt like a man when you orgasm, it’s disgusting.” says Louis.

“No actually if I was a 10 you would be a five. I’m extremely beautiful just objectively speaking based on analysis.” says Lacey with absolute calm.

“Do you know what? I’m a lot older than you? It’s not possible to do analysis of your own beauty sweetie that’s just vanity and narcissism. …Yeah see you’re a bunny boiler and you’re in the down low with my husband and you’re devastated that you’re not me. …I know…it’s cliché, but you’re just a cliché cheerleader bitch.” says Franny.

“What was it like being an ugly asshole and having you as a mother? How is your daughter still alive, you piece of shit?” asks Elliott Roosevelt, sincerely.

“She’s not that ugly. She’s better looking than Lacey by a landslide and I’m like an expert.” says Franny.

“Actually you’re you’re hideous looking right now and your daughter is slightly ugly and Lacey is unspeakably unfathomably beautiful compared to you. When you were young you looked hot and beautiful and then after that you were for a while…so I have no idea what happened to you after a certain age. Did you just like fall off a cliff? Because you’re hideous now and yet when you were young, you were actually quite beautiful. Not as beautiful as Lacey was or is even at 40. What happened to you? It’s like you went from being a consistently beautiful woman to being like fucking ugly. Did you get surgery to look ugly or did that just happen to you? Serious question.” says Elliott Roosevelt.

“I have a theory that he made her look that way out of deep insecurity because he didn’t want a wife that was too hot. You know what else I think, I think you were pretending to be ‘Louis the Jewish version’ and the last blog post was something that could’ve happened in like a warped universe, just a theory.” says Lacey.

“Yeah except I would easily have said everything I said, just to clarify. You know what the thing is though that didn’t happen and I wish that it had but it it didn’t.” says Lem.

“Oh her father really wasn’t that rich and powerful was he?” asks Bill Clinton, confused.

“So we’re keeping seventy year olds awake who could easily die and it’s unclear why they’re doing it. Is it because you’re in love with her and your wife is a possessive asshole like Jack…or were you just trying to find a way to kill her and you could end-up dead yourselves?” asks Lem.

“New theory, Lacey‘s father was like Prince Philip, in regard to power when it came to the United States. He was one of the most powerful men in the entire country, and that is not an exaggeration. I knew him, I actually really knew the man. Not sexually but I knew him we talked, we really did. Umm…I’m sorry you don’t understand who I am and you don’t know who her father is. It’s depressing because you’re Bill Clinton that you have no idea who he is. It’s actually devastating that there’s no one alive in the Illuminati outside of Europe, Asia, well pretty much the rest of the world. …There’s no one alive in the United States in the Illuminati who have a clue who he is who is mature enough to just try to figure it out in a normal adult way. And your whole lives and the country hinge on that but you’re too stupid and you are all like bubbleheaded fucking twat starlets from the 1920’s who have shit coming out of their ass and they can’t figure out why.” says Louis.

“You know here’s a reality check from Africa. These people really do sound like different people. She’s channeling people so try to understand the concept; you’re talking to real dead people. Please try to keep that in mind.” says Africa.

“There are no real dead people, they’re just figment of our imagination, and we can prove it absolutely 100% positive with everyone but Lacey because she’s too stubborn to just do what we say.” says George Clooney, sounding frustrated.

“Are you guys really for real? This blog is more than just convincing it’s starting to concern me honestly, not for her. But like literally like salvation of this country.” says a reader.

“So you don’t get the sense that she’s just evil and lying?” says Franny like a duchess from Minnesota. Just like Sheila Wellstone she likes to relate to the poor peasants, with love and open arms of friendship and understanding.

“Oh darling, may I please be in your presence or is that too much to ask? Woe, woe is me oh woe is me.” says Lem, mockingly.

“Are you jealous? Is that what this whole thing is about as I’m kind of hoping that you are. …That was the point of all of it. I just want you know I’m a really good actor and I was thinking that if I could get you to fall in love with me-see…I look like Lem and I knew that that you would be devastated by something eventually. Maybe the fact that I didn’t call you, the fact that I’m better than you? I went to a better school than you and my parents are wealthier than you. And that’s all that matters that I went to Harvard and you didn’t and I my parents are wealthier than your immediate parents. Your background arguably is vastly better than mine but that doesn’t matter that’s just bullshit from the past and honestly you’re you are a conniving asshole bitch who just wants to get money from people. Of course you’ve never gotten money from us. We’ve stolen $1 million from you, but I know how eventually it’ll work out. I don’t know but I’ll figure it out eventually and of course I was pissed off for my daughter she’s not as pretty as you of course I was pissed off for my wife. You know I mean I get pissed off. I’m just a narcissistic useless asshole.” says Al Franken.

“I’m not falling for it! To me you have seemed like you were full-of-it the entire time. We never had sex. But you kept insisting that we had, and maybe we slightly had in our hearts, but we never even had sex. …You’ve kept me up three nights in a row, trying to seduce me and it’s failed, and I don’t think you think you’re a narcissistic asshole. I think you’re pissed off for political reasons and you’re up to something and I think your wife hates watching you flirt with me or you’re both just disgusting useless pieces of shit. No I’m not jealous. I’m devastated because I am human and I have a heart and mind that function like a normal person and my life has been horrible. I’ve never been loved by anybody and so pretending like you loved me was triggering to me you dumbass and you’re useless-as-shit wife should understand that but she has an IQ of a literal pea.” says Lacey.

“That’s a great summary.” says Lem.

Silence.

“So Franny are going to try to kill her now? are you as are you Mrs. Blue? Actually you both have been trying for a while. Mark Zuckerberg‘s wife tried to as well. Why is that? Are you guys just all total crap in bed and you’re paranoid that if your husband gets a taste of something that’s actually satisfying to him sexually that he’ll strangle you to death out of frustration with having to stare at your ugly-shit faces for no damn good reason at all?” asks Lem. “I bet you have a huge vagina and he didn’t know that for a long time.” says Lem to Franny. “That’s why he has to use demons and weird sex positions to get you off. He got a hard on talking to Lacey and then he fucked you…or was that a teenage boy screaming it was hard to tell?”

“Yeah probably, probably Lem.” says Franny like she’s a condescending counselor.

“Probably what? Probably it was a teenage boy or probably it was you?” asks Lem.

“It was me I umm…I don’t sigh and sound sexy and arousingly voluptuous my voice like Lacey when I orgasm. I grunt like I’m giving birth to a whale and I am in the ocean.” says Franny.

“You know I’m listening to the sound of your orgasm and I’m trying to imagine Lacey making that sound. …I’m still wondering how you met Chris Dodds because you were really adamant about that and that is why we’re writing this post because we genuinely were shocked by that revelation. …But anyway, I should stop kidding…we were pretty sure you had never dated Chris Dodds, but it was an interesting thing to consider. I want to say that I want her to be that relaxed around me that I could make her orgasm and sound like that but that’s just not some thing she’s capable of when she orgasms like that she screams at the top of her lungs. In a very beautiful way. It really is stunning. It sounds like an opera. I don’t think she’s capable of making that sound and be honest. It actually makes me wanna laugh. Your orgasm made me giggle. I’m sorry that’s me but for you and your husband that probably will just make the socks hotter, right You used her and her sexuality to get his dick hard and then he loves you so much that he fucked you to worship you even though you’re an ugly Cunt. An ugly faithless cut. Nonetheless you don’t even give a shit about him you’ll give up I don’t think you give a fuck about anything. I think you’re a dumb as fuck brick or he’s too stupid to realize that because he’s the narcissistic Looney Tunes, who looks like Louis.” says Lem. “ we could’ve been friends we really could’ve if you’re not a total asshole and I’m exaggerating how awful you are a feel like you kind of ruined it now I don’t like your wife I’m sorry.”

“Lem have you heard a lot of women orgasm or or not so much? I’m just curious speaking of you and orgasms.” says a Millennial woman.

“You mean Jack made people orgasm, and I heard it not as much as you might think. Women would pretend, but no umm…I heard Jackie orgasm once. I was in another room, but I heard and she sounded normal. Kind of like Lacey in a generational sense…and I will come on that but that’s not an insult to Lacey, but Franny why do you like bark like a whale giving birth? What is that that he’s doing to you cause honestly it’s not easy to get someone to make that noise and if you’re not faking it but I kind of wonder if you are in what is he doing to physically let’s hear a play-by-play, because we heard we heard we would like to know what actually was going down so to speak.” says Lem.

“Short people, short bitchy people. I’m sorry I break those words over you guys in closer in Jesus’s name. Not kids. None of my kids would be that way. There’s some short lovely short people I’m sure.” says Lacey.

“You guys really are that awful aren’t you?! You guys literally get off on hurting other people? You’re both sadistic freaks. But you probably do love each other…and honestly that doesn’t really make sense but but I think you should answer those questions. Why do you bark like a dog when you orgasm? It actually sounds like you’re getting off on something perverted probably not like pedophilia, but I bet you get off on him hurting people and then coming back to you in some way that devastates them. So I’m gonna go with the thought that you guys knew you’d trigger her and you knew about Chris Dodds because you read her blog. What was the point of being that mean? I’m a psychologist, and I really actually am confused. You don’t seem that stupid and it’s actually a very stupid thing to do emotionally. You’re you’re not accomplishing what you think…I guarantee you, so why did you do that?” asks a real psychiatrist reading Lacey’s blog.

“They partially did it because they’re sadistic Satanists and this is part of their religious practice to hurt people who are innocent. It actually is dangerous and pointless but they’re very dumb in that way, I’m sorry that’s devastating. Lacey tries to explain things to them in a way that’s perfect…but they cognitively can’t handle hearing the truth because their minds are incapable of handling truth in that way. And a lot of people are like that. She has a problem with people but she she has insight and whether the lady on the plane was real or not herself, Lacey is real and she’s threateningly real. …Al Franken has made a complete and total ass of himself for the last three days partially also because he is not-he’s a hurt man and he has gotten to the point where he’s not thinking clearly anymore about a great many things, and it’s not age.” says Michael.

“They’re both paranoid in different ways. He’s paranoid that someone’s going to take him the wrong way after all the bad publicity that he’s gotten and he doesn’t stink as clearly as he should or used to about peoples everything. She’s a narcissistic bitch to put it simply his wife is just an absolute narcissistic whorish bitch, she’s kind of an archaic woman who thinks that sliding it up in her orifices and having a short haircut makes you like hot shit and it’s so tacky and outdated and it was always just shit…but she doesn’t know that.” says Lem.

“I think Franny is a lovely person.” says a woman.

“That is not my experience with her…but thank you for that…that’s so helpful.” says Lem.

“When you told Lacey, the marriage was dead you meant it in a stupid way. You were trying to tell Lacey that your wife was ugly as fuck now and that you cant get a hard-on from just her anymore. That’s not what a dead marriage is, you dumb ass.” says Michael.

“So you kind of fell in love with him?!” asks à Millennial woman.

“Yep. Yep she did and where are you going with that?” asks Lem.

“Well just…just why are you OK with that?” she asks.

Lem rolls his eyes. “I’m not gay. I wasn’t gay. I wasn’t bisexual. I wasn’t pansexual. This is not the same thing as Jack, she’s not Jack do you still have anymore questions or should I try to figure out an answer for you?” asks Lem exhausted.

“I think he was trying to burst your narcissistic bubble because in our heads you are Mandy Moore or Katherine Heigl as a character. Because that’s what we wanna think you are but when I think about it as a Jew, it’s terrifying to realize that you’re not Irish because it’s very likely that we are totally off. I might be a clinical narcissist but every once a while I have a lucid moment.” says Franny.

“Yeah that’s true. I’m gonna take it that that woman that asked me that probing question that would’ve been exhausting to answer was just another ‘Lem is gay’ fan.” says Lem.

“Yep no I don’t have a narcissistic bubble. Sorry there’s a bubble for you. I think what’s sad is that Mr. Blue really is just a jackass and so is the rest of the Bat Crew and you guys were too narcissistic to handle that and instead you’re in for a very rude awakening when you die I’m sorry.” says Doris Day.

“Well it’s awfully interesting from this perspective watching this and it’s sad you guys you can’t hear really can’t hear what she is saying can you? You just don’t get it you don’t get it and I’m playing along with you. You know we were the best of friends and we’re in on the secret, and I’m pretending to be fighting a war in Ukraine. And child sex slavery was actually something that Russia had a problem with not Ukraine and America’s defending Ukraine because it’s just like a nation full of saints and martyrs and Jews that are probably the best Jews to ever exist.” says Putin.

“I love that we know that she needs to poop right now…umm…and how we’re making fun of that because that’s really literally what we’re resorting to…and we still insist that we are the real elite and that we’re winning…but in reality we’re just making fun of her right now because we know she needs to poop and she feels sorry for us for a really good reason.” says a woman.

“I’m not a bitch. I’m not a bitch!” says Franny.

“What is he doing to you when you make your grunting noise? What position are you in?” asks Lem.

“ he has my legs up in the air and over his oh over his shoulders, but not quite and they’re spread like really far apart. I’m sorry I’m starting to get aroused, but for the thought of how aroused you must be by me as I’m describing my vagina and I’m sure that you’re imagining me as a young woman and you’re incredibly aroused and Lucille just have to deal with the fact that I have that that I sleep with women’s husbands I do I sleep with other women‘s husbands and I don’t give a shit about them because they’re not me and I get to God when I juice and he says it’s OK I’m here for it is.” says Franny seriously.

“ do you know that is what we see in our heads your legs apart to some degree you look kind of like a cow or like a shovel. It’s actually very gross. You’re a very gross looking woman at this point you are you’re hideous that’s a fact and the nurse sister backing you up and making it seem like I’m joking or over reacting. I have a very vested interest in maintaining their own delusions. They don’t know what they’re talking about. You all are like a sick. Oh enabling suicide called by accident. Say I’m not that eloquent unless if I try it really is Mila Billings or talking to not just a little you know woman in Minnesota oh my God. Your husband backing you up right now is one of them. It is the dumbest thing he could do. He destroyed his career because of you you you’re a terrible wife he loves you for the same reasons that I love Jack didn’t love Jack you know the thing is that you are a woman and he might be a hell of a lot stupider than I am so not very eloquent cause it’s not quite what I mean. You know I want to kill you just for thinking that I would find you arousing. That was one of the most obnoxious things I’ve heard in a really long time. Lacey is not jealous of you sweetie women like you can get in men’s pants yeah, they can get a men’s big either they can get in men’s panties. You’re a man you’re not a woman you’re a man who do you mean to be or not? And I am not attracted to men you have a tiny ounce of femininity left. Actually I don’t even think your nonbinary I think you’re pretty much does barely human sweet people sleep with you today because they’re stupid in the past they wouldn’t have you would be dead, ask me how I can tell you” says Lem.

“ i’m curious why actually why Wylam give me a time please.” says a very powerful Muslim man.

“ the way she attacks Lacey is just pure jealousy, but it’s the kind of jealousy that you have when you actually are as dumb as a dump lot so the worst of Katherine Heigl the worst of Mandy Moore the worst of every stupid fucking bitch who has a mildly pretty face that you’ve ever seen in Hollywood.” says Lem.

“ I know what you mean and I hear you could you please tell me more.” he asks. He sighs.

“ is that sad because if you exist, I know you understand I don’t know why it’s like they’re just brain dead.” says Lem. “ I actually am terrified by because I am I was American. I still have an away and I’m white and they’re not. They’re not supposed to be this way. This is not normal even if all it was God and he’s not sorry if that’s hard to hear are you still with me?” asks Lem.

He thinks. “ I should be. We’re men talking you’re right.” He thinks. “ it’s like static, but I’ll try to keep listening.”

“ do you know if they created some sort of a device to control people by scrambling their brains to make them more docile? How stupid is it that they don’t realize they’re doing it to themselves to?” says Lem.

“ they’re destroying empathy people like Franny are destroying empathy.” he says. “ she looks so loving to her family looks so happy but I have a feeling she’s a totally awful woman.”

“ Siri I just don’t overthink it. I just go with my got my gut and my gut always says Fanny you are the best.” says Franny sincerely.

“You tried to say God and gut at the same time, Franny.” says a Bush.

“I know! Aren’t I clever??” asks Franny.

“ I would be totally surprised if you found me some day just to chew me out about this blog, I found her block and you say the meanest things about me. I am the nicest lady you have no idea how much I care about you.’” says Lacey mockingly.

“Franny, you remind her of Zelda Fitzgerald and she’s an absolute bitch, horrible bitch, but Scott was too stupid to realize that, and that was part of how he lost Lacey forever potentially, actually no, just lost her forever.” says Lem.

“ is Zelda nice?” asks Franny.

“ oh, she’s nice when she wants to be. Actually we love Zelda because she’s Zelda. You’re not Zelda but I am the worst of Zelda is what we see in you.“ says Lem.

“ you’re not supposed to sell people like that that’s evil God tells us to love each other or it’s wrong.” says Summertime Sadness.

“how are you supposed to confront people about their evil but it’s very personal?” asks Lem.

Cowboy Boogie by EMMETH, Kid Carrillo & Nataliaa plays.

It’s just demons singing. Literally.

“Yup!” says Billy Graham.

“No you recorded demons accidentally. See…you’re not listening to anything but demons when you hear that song unless God intervenes, it’s a horrible song.” says Lem.

Let Go by Frou Frou plays.

“Oh wow I’m getting over your husband. I’m over him. I’m over him. Wow.” Lacey says mockingly of Franny.

“OK there’s gotta be something wrong with the guys and Lacey. Let’s see quick quick quick quick think let me think. Umm..that she doesn’t love him or she does? She’s a psychopath mobile sick? I will see how…umm…she’s like a mother…she’s a fool…ugly bitch whale…what else I got…all the horrible women to ever exist in one horrible woman…a girl. I’m gonna run out of ideas help please.” says a man.

“I can’t stand her either. My first wife was an ugly bitch and I’m still I’m still a winner. I’m still better than you because truthfully we’re in competition.” says Dick Van Dyke to Lacey.

“What are we in competition over?” asks Lacey.

“And finally you ask the question I’ve been waiting to answer since I knew you in college prepare to have your mind blown away!” says the actual Chris Dodds Lacey dated.

“Wow! Please, do tell!” says Lem.

“Hey how are you doing? Love you! You know it’s so good to see you. I can see you in my head as I’m reading this blog and I just want you to know I love you too and I mean that sincerely. I adore you you are the wind beneath my wings you know…you you really love me unconditionally forever…and I can just sense that right off the bat by looking at you for more than five seconds, so thank you pal. We’re the lovers, it’s you and I…but ah…I just want to clarify something for those people who don’t understand what men can do for each other and every way. We’re…better than you.” says Chris Dodds sincerely. “No anyway to your wife who I’m sure you love more than anyone in the whole world because we love them don’t we, I mean right to our core.” he says also in complete sincerity. “What are we fighting over? It’s actually a criminal Melody of the 14th century monks from a Thai pond. All I want is to evolve is what the repeated verse is. And that is what we are fighting over. It’s the madness created by our internal desire to reach a better state of human evolution which sounds obvious, but hear me out. We are constantly evolving. I read that on this blog and I’m sure you do too. Which in Lacey‘s case seems a little misguided on her father’s part right? Ahh…but it is the way God created us. Our Heavenly Father. Yes, I was a cradle Catholic. I am proud to say my point is simply justice, the victory of the human spirit in times of need, in times of darkness and times of peril, in times of anguish. You know what we have to do, I don’t even need to say it. We evolve that as the competition evolution is the competition Lacey, between between women and men that is the competition. She lemon, and I are in love, because we are one and we have sex all the time in my head when I look at him to see what you’re talking about. I fuck him 10 times without intending to. Would I be this honest about my brilliance if you met me? No I only have an IQ of 145 is what I would tell you. And when lemon I become one, we don’t need to evolve anymore because we are complete and happy within ourselves. I’m sure he consents to it because it’s me who would be in love with me everyone’s in love with me you were, and that means that everyone would be of course I didn’t give a shit about you. I told you that I couldn’t love you because you’re disgusting to me, but you were above with me and therefore that means that I am better than you, even though objectively it seems like you’re better than me, outside of the fact that I’m a genius and you couldn’t graduate from grade school because that’s for colleges nowadays you fucking idiot it’s great school. Anyway, I’m sorry that you’re beneath me. At the same time you’re better than most people in such a way that it’s just you only existed for me to feel better than other people. There really was no other point for you to exist. I know you can just kill yourself or throw yourself in a trashcan and lay it on fire because basically your style purpose was to prove to me and everyone else that I’m superior to most people ever to live, I told you I’m a genius. Anyway, getting back to my painfully how do you sexual Grant story I am really into women ummm… you know it’s just like I tell my wife him women are fucking shit, unless if I approve of them because I am the future and I am the epitome of the perfect male in the moment I am proof that god exists, and that evolution is a good thing, getting back to what I was saying about the competition between women and men we’re in competition over sperm of lamb and maybe for other men to ever exist but that’s because of Christianity in the 17th century. The Huguenots, I would come to mine first, my friends and comrades at arm in the race to gather sperm from men like Lem’s. I don’t want it up my ass my wife would want it in her vagina who wins I do and that’s how procreation works when you put sperm in my butt hole I make babies and 86 street uniforms. And in conclusion, I say, let the race began. It is a moment of hope that sadness is a moment of joy and freedom for those who are willing to fuck.” he says absolutely positive that what he said was the most brilliant thing most people ever hear in their entire existence.

“ where did you go to school? You went to John’s, Hopkins and Anne you’re the man that she dated who she was church thinking of Linn Al Franken triggered her. Wow that’s interesting so you’re you’re you’re heterosexual that’s how that’s what you are.” says a they.

“ yeah I’d like the most heterosexual man I’ve ever known in my entire life I would never have gay sex. It’s just it’s not my thing I mean it’s cool you know it’s like Seinfeld used to say that there’s anything wrong with it you know that’s hilarious, but it’s just not my thing.” he says.

“ so I’m gonna assume that you’re brilliant because you hate Lacey and you’re just saying that it’s like survival of the fittest basically rights and that love is one of the federal people that ever lived?” says Wobbly.

“ no that is not what I’m saying at all try again.” says Chris Dodds.

“ i’m lost I’m sorry ask explain” says Wobbly.

“ you know wow where did you go to school? Because I feel like you should be able to understand what I’m saying if you’re who I think you are.” he says.

“ I went to Harvard and University of Virginia for law school.” says Wobbly.

“ yeah, I mean those are good schools. Let’s see I guess basically, it’s just it’s like man’s desire to elude. His previous exploits is what makes us the foundational pillars of the exegesis toast.” says Chris sincerely.

“ what are you saying?“ asks Wobbly.

“ that’s a really good question and I don’t have a gradients you’re free you’re free to check my scholarly sources and do your own research to confirm or anecdotally amend the typographical errors I made in the second subset. That being said, it’s a really simple concept when you think about it from the perspective of the goat.” he says.

“ we gave you a full scholarship to Messiah college, because you were a national merit scholar.” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ Oh hey Dr. L.. Yeah it’s you know it’s funny I am I barely remember my time at Masai it was so long ago I remember a lot of people that I knew like you but there’s just been so much that’s happened since then that I I barely remember anyone it feels like it was just a dream you know it was just like 10 sons of heaven and then it blew up and I went to college somewhere else that was better and I’m snub at you right now and I’m not supposed to really tell you that, but I think you’re shit now, but I am, if you could lick my shoes and get them to shine, that would be great. OK yeah you’re far beneath me so you’re welcome. I’m glad I could make you proud. I TOTALLY knew I would.” says Chris Dodds.

“ I worship you.” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ shut up I don’t like hearing peoples voices, unless if I’m speaking to them.” says Chris Dodds. “ anyway that was weird right isn’t she a fat ugly bitch it’s so funny to make fun of people and subtle ways that no one catches onto because then it makes us all feel like we’re good people when really a lot of people live today are worthless assholes.”

“ do you include yourself in that or not?”

“ do you know that’s a very deep question I I kind of meta-subset to do and then the subset one not so much not so much are used to think I was a really big jerk until I was around 10 and then I became a lifeguard and I saved one person’s life and I realize that I was just kind of like a God and ever since then I thought to myself how am I not like everywhere like how is my picture not on everything and I am most my wife has been finding some way of explaining that to myself well, I live in bliss of the knowledge that I am one of the best humans probably ever to exist.” says Chris Dodds.

“ so why would Linn be in love with Lacey? How are you One with Lem’s? Are you sure that’s consensual?” asks a gay man.

“ i’m sorry I’m lost by that question can you rephrase it in Hindu Sanskrit voodoo dolls.” says Chris Dodds.

“ I don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry I’m not as smart as you.”

“ love the brothers the brothers love corals the goats on Sunday in the sunsets of October in my mind TS Eliot I kid you not verbatim that’s what he said.” says Chris Dodds.

“ I feel like that’s not quite what he said.”

“ i.e. wholly and exponentially invite you to check the work of TS Eliot in 1829 in Zimbabwe.” He looks nervous.

“ i’ll be sure to do that. Thanks, Chris.” says Dr. Harles.

“ dr. Harles, can I talk to you for a second alone?” says Chris.

“ yes you may!” says Dr. Harles.

“ I think I have to go to the bathroom.” says Chris Dodds.

“ of course it’s right down the hall and to the left I use the fourth stall myself!” he says jokingly.

“ OK weirdo I’ll kill you in your sleep if you come on to me.” says Chris Dodds.

“ I didn’t hear that he’s my best friend. Oh God, I’m a genius did you see my house is huge a huge white circle on it and the rest is navy blue. My pants are black and way too tight to show off my penis when I spread eagle play entire class of students and I ask you what did Socrates mean by that it’ll lose you because you didn’t go to Oxford like me.” he says.

“ and I am back!” says Chris Dodds.

Nobody cares.

“ hey Chris, I like to have sex with you later if I could you didn’t hear that but you did.” says another male professor.

“ I would like you all to meet my wife Franny that’s right Franny not Frances not Francine not Patty or Lacey or Alyssa or Maxine. Franny Franny, like Fanny like friends succotash.” says Al Franken. “ if you don’t know, worship her and bow down before her altar that I have created with my profound unfathomable love, that is evolved feminist, and on comprehensible for most living men, the joke is on you. Your life will never be complete.”

“ what do you like about your wife’s body?” asks a straight woman who actually is totally chill. If Elliot Roosevelt wants to fuck her she’s horny. She’s available and completely seriously when she masturbates tonight she will be thinking of him. She’s completely serious.” says a woman who’s going to cry, pray to God…and ask if he would give her grace to just sleep with Elliot once or twice every few months so that she doesn’t completely die inside.

“ I can see you and I actually do find you that attractive. If that makes you feel any better? I’m not sure if I’m allowed to sleep with you but I am please don’t feel like I am rejecting you.” says Elliott Roosevelt.

“ you really are good! But I have a feeling you might actually mean that…and thanks for being so nice.” she says.

“ OK that woman is totally inconsequential and worthless to my massively fascinating life as a college professor.” says Dr. Harles.

“ I am riveted I mean I am endlessly riveted I mean endlessly every day I think of you and I think that’s exactly correct.” says Chris Dodds.

“ you know I hate homophobic people like Lacey can I see your cock sometime in a closed room we’re all the people that could see us can’t it’s just for a scientific purpose.” says Dr. Harles.

“ hi probably fit you in on Thursday at 4 o’clock. I have a doctors appointment right before that so I’ll just think of science the entire day.” says Chris Dodds.

“ if this is what it was like at that school is there any chance we can return to my place conversation with that very fascinating messianic man?” asks a Jew in the Illuminati.

“ this people probably haven’t changed so no we’re not done yet. I’m sorry.” says Lem:

“ I just kinda wanna yell heil Hitler at these people and see what happens!” says cool-kid who went to Yale.

“ does anyone want to see my ass? I know you all do.” says Franny out of the blue.

“ maybe later I’m just about to yell heil Hitler and see what happens heil Hitler oh my God you guys let’s see what happens.” says the Illuminati Yale student graduated with high honors.

“ that is a German colloquialism of grand web territories. Is there something you would like me to address with that deducted?” asks Chris Dodds.

“ I know those buzzwords really well, and the arbitrary factory worker like way of analyzing the world, but I too, was trained in at Yale.” he says.

“ you’re in love with me and I’m not over what happen with Lacey sometimes I think she should’ve killed herself with a teddy bear in the Yellowbreeches after drinking Kool-Aid what did I think? Oh no that’s a little over the top so on Sundays after church with my wife is making lunch, I sit down and include her in a prayer list of people that I feel the need to pray for Anne. She’s one of the people where it’s like I don’t know why, but I just think maybe I should and when I do that, I think to myself, this does something.“ says Chris Dodds.

“ do you have a point anything you say ever other than that you think you’re superior to everyone?” he asks.

“ you and I both know the answer is no I do not, and that is why I am superior to everyone survival of the fittest my follower.” he responds.

“ you used to pretend like this was just a joke and not your actual personality. What made you stop pretending that it was a joke?” asks Dr. Lauermann.

“ oh, what do you mean?” says Chris.

“ it’s just you used to be sort of bombastic as a joke like you were a clown and now you’re bombastic and it’s just your personality I guess what made you decide that that was just who you are?” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ I umm… i’m feeling really nervous right now. And I think I’m gonna go.” says Chris Dodds.

“ OK!” says Dr. Lauermann.

Chris leaves.

“ do you know he was my favorite students he really was I hated Lacey to I’m hungry.” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ you acted like you cared about her though, so it’s actually real?” says the Yalie.

“ I don’t know I like I could never figure that out. I have no idea. I hated her sometimes and then sometimes I felt really bad I I have no idea it’s a mystery.” she says.

“ did you tell her to come visit me did you did you direct her to come visit me?” asks Dr. I-Hate-Polish-History.

“ I am going to have to ask you to eat the map in my car.” she responds.

“ so I’ll take that as a yes, a very guilty yes?” he says.

“ crack, crack, quack, quack, like a duck swim, like a fish all the people sing.” she responds.

“ so you don’t want to admit that you caused severe psychological distress to a student by being irresponsible or malicious?” he asks.

“ hypothesis number two.” she says smirking.

“ I almost let her to the point of suicide I was sadistic do you care?” he asks.

“ I don’t think she could ever kill herself. I don’t think she’s smart enough to know how to do it. This blog post to post as proof of that I think if she really was that depressed and she wasn’t just a total retard, who Dorothy I mean, if she was a retard, I mean if she adored me she wouldn’t be a retard but I think she’s a retard because she still life does that make sense. I’m sorry I’m just a really bad mood right now because I’m just so devastated by how she sees me.” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ I will fill you let her to suicide of times to you, but she didn’t do it but I don’t think it’s cause she’s not smart enough. I’m sorry.” he responds.

Dr. I-Hate-Polish-History turns to the Illuminati. “ i’m not a buffoon if I had had any common sense I would’ve used her to get access to you and she’s angry at me that I didn’t think of it as she should be.”

“ why didn’t you think of it?” asks a Yalie.

“ well first of all, I’m a goody two shoes in a way that Lacey could never be, which is actually fascinating psychologically maybe that’s most of it. Or sex that probably has most of it.” he says. “ which means I’m kind of an idiot because I’m a traitor to my own cause which is in large part my ego..”

“ that was a very honest response from someone who likes to lie to their students and themselves daily. I’m so sick of people like you who go to these great schools and have all these credentials and they have absolutely nothing to show for it and there might people like you are the reason this country is falling apart, don’t kill yourself just you know be aware.” says a Yalie.

“ do you know I have an ugly wife to and I’m starting to get really creeped out by that trend. I think Louis Hill’s wife was actually quite ugly and it creeps me out. Why are men like me who arguably should be able to be with a beautiful woman always with the most hideous, clingy needy zombie like a bitch that they ever date?” says Dr. I-Hate-Polish-History.

“ I know you people know, but it was probably one of the things that piss Lacey off most about being an adult was realizing that that men want to fuck her to the point where they lose their temper because that’s part of why I lost my temper I’m sure she knows that at this point but then we never do we never do we really never do and we just take all of our rage and all of our hidden homicidal hate for our wives out on her and I’m sure that’s what I Al Franken did. That’s why he needs her even for just a week because he has this on requited hatred for his wife that he can’t expressed to her or she’ll leave, and that really shouldn’t be a problem for him but to be honest, I might not be completely straight and it’s kind of like being married to a man ask questions I’m willing to answer.”

“ what’s your last name just for the sake of clarity?” asks a Yalie.

“ it’s British and you know that and it’s depressing as hell that I’m able to have this conversation. I hate it I really actually do.” he says.

“ why do you pretend like she’s your wife when really she’s just your husband and she’s not your wife, so are you are you liking it? It’s just your husband’s very jealous and domineering or what?” asks Lacey.

“ you’re probably gonna try to kill her for asking such a good question are you?” he responds.

They just tried.

“ I don’t think Louis was actually into that just FYI I I don’t want a woman I don’t I don’t wanna woman women expect you to be tender and loving and have sex with them and I could’ve had sex with Lacey but then I would self-destruct I literally cannot sustain a heterosexual relationship. What do you mean? I just can’t a woman who is domineering like a man and doesn’t really actually expect me to love her like I would love a woman she just bosses me around forces herself on me sexually bosses me around and then never complains because I think that’s what she wants even though that’s not at all a five minute sexual desire means that I don’t have to be like intimate with her and the way that I would with a woman and then I can avoid a lot of baggage that I don’t want to think about because I’m a narcissist to some degree when I’m with her I’m not narcissistic because she just does all my thinking for me and she’s too vain to care and possibly too much of a man am I straight? No probably not I mean I have an away I am straight but it’s ex and probably bisexual. I’m probably mostly gay and bisexual on the Kinsey scale and probably more of a gay man than anything else but I am I’m bisexual. The thing is though I don’t wanna be with a man yeah I mean it’s like maybe a few but I just want to be with a genuinely really pushy, masculine, butch woman who I can tell fart jokes with who looks like crap when she’s naked and who makes grunting noises when she orgasms and I’m actually not kidding and you know that you probably think that we’re hideous liars and it’s always we’re just confused, but no, we do lie about that. There are very few straight men still alive, at least in America I’m not kidding. I would bet there are very few men for life we’re still straight. I highly suspect that that’s not the case when it comes to dad that there are probably plenty of silent generation men that are at least genuinely bisexual like Michael, and then there are plenty of generation greatest men who probably are genuinely just straight and I think a lot of us recognize that it sucks that we aren’t what we’re supposed to be and so we pretend to be that to some degree just to maintain sanity and society, so that no one freaks out too much and figures out what could be actually happening which scares me though is that it’s not actually a good thing as much as people want to say that it is it’s not what it means is that where do you populating way to way too quickly I mean it’s like how did we even manage to create generation Z like how are there? Not just two of them because it’s him it’s it’s now it’s six day I can barely process it but it’s it’s extraordinarily disturbing to me too, I’m kind of a fan of Elon musk. It’s funny I’m not homophobic either. It’s just creepy as hell how it’s like no I I I I made babies I did, but not as many as other generations probably would have and you can say oh it’s global warming. Yeah, it probably is, but there’s something really dysfunctional about it at the same time. And honestly it’s possibly not what God wants and then how does he deal with people like you who essentially are just being slaughtered in ways that history rarely accurately depicts. Actually, I would say literature does a better job of mentioning situations like this than historians ever do in their work. It’s it’s obviously something that we don’t wanna talk about because it scares us too much as a species.”

“ so you think I’m in a committed foe heterosexual actually homosexual relationship with a woman who is more of a man the problem is I was happiest at the beginning when she was hot and a feminine way.” says Al Franken.

“ are you sexually fluid?” asks the professor.

“ I think I’m afraid to leave my husband but I don’t think I’m sexually fluid. I think I might be slightly bisexual and I thought I was married to a woman for a long time and then I realized I was with something different than that and it didn’t bother me, I excepted it because I think I might actually be bisexual and I think I really had thought that I was hearing a woman I think I felt a little betrayed.” he says.

“ so you’re happily married to your husband or not?@

“ he’s very possessive, and he always references our history and a very guilty inducing way, and it is very hard for me to cope with that guy fall apart. I I fall a completely apart like a woman except I know I’m a man, but no, my husband makes me completely fall apart like I’m a battered wife, and yet the truth is I just can’t leave him because it’s just we have so much history. We have so much of a life we’ve built together that I just you know I think you’re trying to make a point that I’m acting like a lesbian and sheep‘s clothing and you’re right, that was very cruel, and I Mr. blue did the same thing.” says Al Franken.

“ why don’t you want to leave your husband that’s concerning.” says Lacey.

“ you asked me that question the first time we talked in other words, but it was the same question.” Al thinks.

And I thought Lacey finds out that apparently based on the hot tips from her blog, there are numerous straight, desperately morbidly, lonely women alive, who have laid in bed with a dildo and masturbated praying to God that some ghost in purgatory could just love them or something and they’re not horny they are Suicidal, genuinely suicidal clean to life out of respect for Christ, and on more than one occasion, God may have allowed a few ghosts, nobody famous, but literally a few ghosts from some unhappy situation where they’re wondering around in a graveyard or hello city and they don’t have anyone to talk to nothing wrong with them, and they may be in a secret Potentially eternal relationship with a few living women, and those women may end up are surprised by how charming the their ghostly husband was when they die and then they think, “Why did men do this to themselves I am very attractive, and yet I am having to find hope for my existence, in the arms of a dead man he could’ve been a railroad worker. He could’ve been an accountant but I can tell that he loves me and it’s desperately sad that professors rights.”

The professor nods. He laughs. “ well, if there’s purgatory then I guess it just got a lot more fun for a lot of men.”

“ oh, shut up I’m sorry I don’t mean that to be unkind but just shut up with that last thing you just said the rest of it’s insightful but I don’t want to hear that. I’m sorry it’s not just fun.” says one of the ghosts.

“ you do sound far more straight than me. I’m sorry I probably don’t understand. I wish I could interview you.” he says.

“ are you really in love with Lacey like really in love?” asks a perfume hater of Lem.

“ yeah, I do tend to break up all for other relationships. I am not OK with her being with other people and she’s not but she thinks she is.” says Lem. He smiles.

“ or I might say the same.” says Michael.

“ I how do I feel like that’s the same thing as Jack but it’s not?” asks the perfume hater.

“ because I actually didn’t break up and have Jack’s relationships all that well if it all in many cases, I don’t necessarily want to. I’ve broken up every relationship she’s ever been in like they’re done or like Michael he decides to be open minded to God in a good way, and I respect that, but everyone else is just pretty much toast for real. She’s the only one that doesn’t know that unless if you think I’m gay or you think she could be with Michael Louis actually I should say might have another question. Harold might as well but other than those three men, it’s no one has any real contentions Elliot OK maybe Elliot but it’s just me it’s really just me and she’s not cognitively able to process that because of how abuse she is at the moment if I was able to be with her and calm her down and she didn’t feel like she was being killed every day. Literally I could explain it to her, but I can’t do that for a couple of decades, and it’s fine it’s awful but I am from a generation where it’s actually funny to me I am not misogynistic, but she knows I find it funny and that’s actually a relief to her and that’s not what I had with Jack. She’s not an idiot, but she’s OK with me laughing at her she’s just being an idiot and she thinks what am I doing and I can’t explain and that’s very frustrating.” He smiles.

“ that’s not the kind of rapport I have with my ghost he comes regularly he is actually I wonder if it is you know I wonder if that is his things to and I might actually like that I meant it might make me feel safe you know he can’t you know protect me from a burglar or maybe even Ken but at least there’s a guy who’s watching out from me and I don’t feel so alone.” she says weeping.

Al Franken laughs.

“ yeah, I am. I am not amused by that woman’s tears and suffering considering that for all, I know she’s fucking my uncle Joe, and to be honest if he’s that good to her I don’t think she realizes that she’s like his permanent mistress, and to be honest with you, if I was her, I would rather be Joe’s permanent mistress the date a lot of people so good for her.” says Wobbly.

“ no I mean I’m in love with them but I know what you mean Wobbly’s if God allows it you have that 100% correct.” says Lacey.

“ so let me get this straight. Lacey is still mindlessly loyal to Joe and a very Kennedy proper way and it’s authentic and he knows that. No it’s 100% authentic and if he’s a ghost and they were together he knows that and they’re not even together at all or loyalty to him is like your password into your family. It’s like your it’s like that that’s how you get in, and there’s no other way to do it. And ironically, even though I think they hate them, there’s like this higher, hopeful, heavenly ideal that, like maybe it can be redeemed maybe can’t, but if you can lemons not actually interested, that’s sincere but by accident by being in love with Lacey, he ends up just right back with the Kennedys, but in this very like unique way, your switch isn’t homosexual at all when you’re really disinterested in her be honest.” says a woman. “ because I like Harold I like I don’t know I mean there’s probably even some other guy but I actually might not be I like Louis to be honest he’s sweet, so are you like you’re sure be honest.”

“ yeah I am 100% positive it has nothing to do with them it’s more just some thing out Hass to sort out my loyalty is 100% solely to Lacey and a 100% heterosexual relationship and the fact that she still connected to Joe actually in rages me and yet it might be what I deserve because now I have to see the entirely different perspective and be nice and explain a thing and if it’s not what I deserve they got to work that out for me and my rep Lacey.” says Lem.

“ to be honest if a queer Adam is allowed in heaven, it’s scary to think that stray people like Lacey are sort of going extinct I repeat extinct extinct. Yeah that’s not a good thing. One species go extinct especially among humans. Just thought I’d throw that out there.” says a Ché.

“ I am desperately sorry that you and Lem’s have to be these extreme conservative extreme liberal bizarrely, moderate super conservative. Why are you so liberal? It’s annoying people.” says a Carrie.

“ it is obnoxious because we can’t quite get the right message across. We really are Christians and we’re trying to witness to you beyond that it’s not personal and that’s very hard to express.” says Lem.

“ I hear you you’re not like some people when they witness and then it’s like OK so this person is legit something to consider no offense taken out of my shoots why am I OK with that and I think that’s because they’re liberals and then I think Credit she even knows that it’s awful not feeling free to just speak freely. I really think we have been somewhat brainwashed. I don’t think it’s just the environment. I think that’s part of it but I really don’t think that’s all that there is to it.” says a Carrie.

“ question my boyfriend, who is a ghost is very hard to get in contact with the times when I need him any idea where that would be??” asks the woman who wept.

“ you should pray to God about it and ask him to show you and Jesus his name first and foremost because if he’s an actual ghost, that’s the reason you’re being able to interact with them is because of Jesus Christ and his mercy for you and your lost life. Just guessing though like troubleshooting there’s probably some spiritual attack on him. He’s probably fighting someone if you’re that sad he could be praying for you and he could genuinely be battling demons and then it’s hard for him to say hey I’m here because he’s that swamped so to speak. which is why you should pray to God to rescue both of you at that point in Jesus‘s name if he’s an actual ghost, see if he’s an actual ghost, he really permitting this please be merciful, and help us in Jesus‘s name, and if not, please give me Grace” says Lem.

“ this is not may be allowed in heaven, but I just want to say that when gay men get self-righteous, I know know why. And I feel incredibly sorry for some of you because some of you have absolutely no idea what actual love feels like.” she says before leaving.

“ not to sound hottie, but speaking of experience of being in a hopefully Christian non-traditional relationship myself as a gay man be careful. There are pitfalls it’s possible that I’m not allowed to have it it’s possible you’re not either but then again, maybe you are maybe I’m not maybe we both are that’s terrifying to both of us. That being said, hopefully that doesn’t feel hostile to you. At this point I just cannot in good conscience be that I am tidy. I would be careful when you masturbate with your husband. He could lose himself and desire for you and kill you.” He laughs lovingly. “ i’m not sure how I have a very strong suspicion that Queen Elizabeth was killed by Phyllis. I think it’s delightful. She was older and they just needed to be alone for a while. I’m in love and maybe you’ll be forever I think that’s wonderful. But be careful of sicknesses that could come on you because it could be him being terrified if you’re alone if you’re really that miserable, he knows that don’t hide it from him but just be aware and maybe through God say just tell him that I’m not quite ready to die yet, no matter how much we love each other. I just feel like I want to travel a little more and maybe he could help me know where to go hey Paris, you know if you find World War II maybe you can show your Paris probably want to make sure that he’s OK with that golf course with PTSD but I am, if you don’t have any kids and you’re a single woman and you’re desperately sad don’t be surprised if you go to sleep wake up the next day and you’re in heaven, he’s like hey you’re like what the heck he’s like yeah I know baby I just couldn’t handle it anymore.” says an English gay man.

“ can I be honest I am in my 30s and I am not suicidal from being alone and I feel pathetic because I’m not strong and brave and honestly if he decided to just give me a heart attack in my sleep 10 years from now I would not be angry and I would trust God that they would be what was best. I’m sorry if that’s depressing.” she says.

“ I find that revealing and evocative and kind of an aesthetic and I am terribly sorry I am gay but I’m English and I’m going to be a snob and just leave it at that.” he says.

“ yeah and Brideshead revisited I think Evelyn why was claiming that true English people are Catholics.” says an Englishman.