Pennsylvania

Ode To My Family by The Cranberries plays.

Lem’s red brick Pennsylvania farm house was in Pennsylvania. There are and were hundreds of red brick farm houses in Pennsylvania. But…there are many red brick farm houses in Wisconsin too. There are many red brick farmhouses in Ohio. And the differences between those farm houses are subtle but distinct.

“No they’re not! A red brick farm house is a red brick farmhouse!” yells Caroline Kennedy drunk off her ass.

Wobbly laughs. Violently assuming Caroline is right.

“But his red brick farmhouse was in Pennsylvania??” says Wobbly.

“Yes. But on the Easterm side. Or it was actually in Maryland.” says Lacey. “And where is the red brick farmhouse in the latest episode of And Just Like That? Connecticut?!

*Lacey rolls her eyes*

Soft by Washed Out plays.

“You guys pedophilia is just pure evil and insanity.” says a dead man. “Lacey isn’t the only human in history to recognize and believe that fact.”

The song plays.

“She’s not an idiot.” says Mr. Blue mockingly of Lacey.

“But she can’t read our minds?!” asks an adult actress from And Just Like That.

“So…the idea was that by referencing the red brick farmhouse…that They supposedly believe Lem owned…they’re trying to insinuate Lacey doesn’t know him as well as Bobby and Ethel do…or they’re trying to insinuate that Bobby fucked Lem into ecstatic orgasm in a farmhouse…or that Bobby was molested there…or that Bobby is queer?” asks Darren Star. “The problem is…you probably are referencing the wrong farmhouse spiritually.” He laughs. “Wobbly why are you so overconfident? It’s gross.”

“Ewww!” sincerely says Kim West about Wobbly. “He’s such a fake bitch.”

“I was straight…but…if I have to humor you…you are referencing the wrong house.” says Wobbly. “You have a downtown Baltimore red brick farmhouse and another one near New Jersey.” says Lem. “You all think you’re reading Lacey’s mind. Especially Wobbly. You think you’re listening to her thoughts using Illuminati powers perfectly? But you’re not. You barely understand what I’m saying to her or what she’s saying to me. …You’re violently addicted to your own familial myths. And one of those myths might be that I was queer. And another one of those myths might be that Jack was straight. …See…I was making love to Lacey when I showed her photos in her mind of my house. We were having a very intimate moment. And you shouldn’t have been listening like freaks. Because you totally misunderstood. And now you’ve got a house from downtown Baltimore in the 1600’s or so? If that’s even possible. Still existing as a farm.”

A member of Louis Hill Jr.’s family laughs as Caroline’s whole gross, violent family drowns in a swimming pool if she just threatened Lacey’s kids. With her hideous witch teeth, ugly slanted features she rests her head seductively on her son’s shoulder? Did she suck his brain dry into being zombie-hood or…was that a gross photographic error?

“My evil will protect me! You’ll never guess how gross I am?!?” says Ethel vomiting out human remains. She laughs maniacally.

“So! Are you all barely human anymore? Or…what?” asks Lem. “You’re right. She doesn’t know everything. But…I possibly do…a lot myself. I’m dead.”

“No! You’re not.” says Caroline.

“No. I’m dead.” says Lem. “I’m alive in Christ.”

“Then you’ll come back to Jack!” says Ethel whimpering desperately.

“Yeah!! My daddy loves you!!” says Caroline throwing a HUGE tantrum.

“You love my uncle!!!” spits WOBBLY!!

“I do not love your uncle. I do not love your dad.” says Lem.

“Gee. I think that means they’re in love!” says Caroline to Wobbly, smiling in wonder.

“Hush! It’s a fairytale!” says Ethel beaming. “FOR ETERNITY!” she says giggling in glee.

“Excuse me. Rose lied.” says Gloria Swanson. “Ethel doesn’t necessarily understand that.”

“But they have to know that?!” says Sarah J..

“Not necessarily?” says Michael. He shrugs.

“Yeah. Heaven is Lem and my dad or your dad…having sex!” says Smobbly to Caroline. In 2023. In their subconscious.

“Eww!” says Caroline giggling like a teenager, in her subconscious.

“Oh my God you guys!” says Wobbly. “One of those days…I’m gonna try being an adult and falling in love like Lem.”

They become very serious. “Yeah. I guess it’s time to grow-up.” says Smobbly grimly.

“Yeah. Summer went by so fast.” says Caroline tucking hair behind her ear.

“Well! Time to party!” says Wobbly standing-up.

“Hey! Where are you going man?” asks Smobbly.

“I’m running for President!” says Wobbly. He raises the peace sign in the air.

“I dig it.” says Smobbly in awe.

“Wow!!” says Caroline in genuine awe.

Drunk, JFK wanders to their backyard posse. A gay boyfriend in tow.

“This is Brett!” he says, slurring.

Their brains can’t see him. Ethel fights not to see Brett. Brett extends his hand and she tries not to see it.

“Hey! Do you hear my dad?!” asks Caroline.

“No. I hear someone vomiting from a hangover.” says Wobbly.

“I hear…Gloria Swanson?” says Smobbly. He furrows his brow. “And grandpa?!”

“Gloria Swanson and my beloved husband were business partners. That’s all.” said Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy.

Gloria and Joe stay quiet. They stare at Rose. Rose…looks amused? No. She looks nauseated and in deep anguish.

“OK but if Lem was straight, why didn’t he just fuck my grandmother?! That would be the only logical choice.” says Caroline. “I mean Lacey slept with my grandfather right?! Umm…so then that just means that she’s like my grandmother…which means Lem should have slept with my grandmother! I mean that’s just logical, that’s just logical.”

“You want to know I think? I think she’s trying to kill us all to get to grandpa!” says Wobbly sincerely.

“Caroline. That’s not logical. I think it’s far more likely she’s not sleeping with ghosts at all!” says the Illuminati.

“Yup!!! And that’s what the Illuminati believes.” says the American Illuminati.

“Only white trailer trash witches would sleep with ghosts!” says Pete of Harvard.

“Yup!! She’s just white trainer trash!” says all of the American Illuminati…except possibly for a few.

“That’s insane.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“Then you’re trailer trash too!” says Caroline violently. Oppressively to Scott Fitzgerald.

Looking like a meth addict herself from the white slums of West Virginia…but obtuse to that…in her grand delusion…Caroline Kennedy looks like scrawny, fucked-up shit in 2023.

“Umm…so Lacey is or isn’t sleeping with ghosts?” asks Lem.

The Kennedys look willfully confused.

“Huh. And did Joe Kennedy Sr. have sex with Gloria Swanson or not?” asks Lem.

“No!!” says Smobbly. “OF COURSE NOT!”

“Really?!?” asks Ken Burns, aghast.

“No. Lemmers from elite-white-peoples-land of Billings LOVED Jack. But Gloria was trailer trash shit.” says Caroline.

“I was a very big deal. …For real.” says Gloria Swanson. “In reality…my genius is more significant than your individual Kennedy name.” says Gloria Swanson to Caroline Kennedy. “At least.”

“No! See that’s where Lacey falls in her own sword.” says Caroline.

“No!! That’s her honoring reality. The reality she’s been trying to objectively label well. And honestly.” says Ken Burns.

Ethel fumes.

Girl of the Year by Beach House plays in honor of Gloria Swanson.

Gloria Swanson was very beautiful. Was she more evil or was Rose more evil? Historians have debated it for years. But Joe hates the truth at awkward moments.

“Were you in love with your secretary?” Lacey asked him years ago, before she fell down the stairs.

“No not really no. And I never really made her come. …I mean it was it was just kind of in rut, rotten sex, real show you shit. Here look.” He said, showing him and Janet having sex. Standing up. Against a sink. Then hurriedly l, “Wait!! Don’t look longer than that!!” He closes the picture. “Did you see the way I was pounding her? I mean it was it was just crappy sex. It was just about me..you know…getting getting off.” said Joe Kennedy Sr..

What he didn’t show her was the “ecstasy and chocolate cake at midnight” literally described by Janet herself in her tell all memoir.

After Lacey read about the midnight chocolate cake and ecstasy with Janet and Joe…Lacey almost had her skull cracked open on a radiator. Because she believed Janet…far too much. They had been in love.

And no. Lacey isn’t Gloria Swanson reincarnated.

More later.

On behalf of France, “They’re insane!” says Jan if this is who the Kennedys truly are in reality. He means that the Kennedys are insane.

In response: “My dad and Lem are in love!!!” Caroline yells like a banshee, with ugly violence.

More later.

Being sadistically attacked Lem has a conversation with his son through Lacey where they have to discuss whether or not to fight or ask God for assistance. His son was quite sure they should be asking God for assistance and Lem had the same thought himself two days ago so that was comforting.

Lacey may be getting sick again but she’s trusting God that she won’t get sick but she’s certainly sick of seeing reports of Caroline swimming a half an hour in the ocean in the tropics like it’s some gigantic feat. A half an hour swim in the ocean is not shocking. And when JFK swam it was during war and he had health problems that her and her son do not have. Lacey has a friend well former friend who swim in an hour or just under an hour and a lake. She is very overweight and she swim it with her underage children. Lacey is baffled.

They swam in a lake and is that actually easier or is it harder than swimming in a tropical ocean?

“A tropical ocean could have waves, but the water is more temperate and it’s sunnier and it’s probably not as muddy. Maybe it’s harder. I don’t know. I don’t know” she says.

“Which is easier? Swimming in a very like tropical part of the ocean in August or late late July or swimming in like a frigid lake in Minnesota for an hour almost?” asks Jana.

“Because Minnesota lakes get cold and if you’re swimming in it for an hour almost like 50 some minutes that’s probably very different than in some tropical place and like swimming for a half an hour. Even 50 minutes is at least 20 minutes less and it’s in warmer water.” says a dead swimmer.

“You’re pure evil, because that 30 minute swim was a historic moment!” says Wobbly.

“To be honest she’s right. Wobbly, people swim that long all the fucking time but they don’t get covered by NBC news.” says an angry southerner.

“What was the idea? It was that it was a portion of the amazing feat that her father did during World War II.” says Smobbly.

The southerner is not impressed.

“OK first of all she’s not her father because that was a pleasure swim she took. When he did it it was during war and I’m pretty sure that he was supposed to be saving people’s lives or something so it’s completely different in that regard alone.” says a liberal who thinks it’s “stupid news” too.

“Don’t say that OK? I have a feeling Lem’s crying somewhere! I know you can tell he’s crying!” says Wobbly.

“No I’m not crying. I think it’s laughable at best.” says Lem. “I don’t mean that in a positive way to Caroline. And that’s an insult but I’m not heartless, so I can’t cut deeper into your heart and insult you even more.”

“That’s not Lem! I know that’s not Lem that’s impossible, that’s impossible.” says Smobbly.

“You need to be nice to us! For…we are the only elite people who take your family seriously everyone because else has always said they were just shit for brains peasant farmers. We are the only people who think that oil means they’re aristocratic. Your 1973 oil well and electric company doesn’t mean anything socially. Your first cousin’s $6 million estate means nothing.

The fact that the oil is worth billions means nothing. The fact that you have that you have so much classy shit means noting. Does your family mean nothing!? Ahh…duh. Yes!” says a Real Housewife star with Wobbly.

“I had a feeling that estate for $6 million in North Dakota would be worth $30 or $40 in California.” says Nancy, trying not to laugh.

“Do you want me to just blow up North Dakota Wobbly so that you and your family can feel us in secure and so that the old money elite “” – because they’re really they’re worth shit – can feel less like peasants in relation to the Nesheims or what?” asks Putin.

“Yeah, why wasn’t her friend who I am assuming is probably somewhat upper- class because they probably have a lake cabin. Her parents do? Ahh…why wasn’t her and her under-age children’s swim across the lake in May historic? I’m sure there are plenty of people who have swam across that lake, who were historically fascinating people. I’ll tell you why. It’s because you guys have a US Presidency that was aborted in your family.” says Candice Olsen. “Your uncle was shot before he could complete his first term.”

“And you guys act like it’s the historic thing of the century, a heroic, epic heroic feat! The assassination, I mean. But…I’m not even convinced that he actually was a war hero anymore. I’m starting to think they cooked that story up.” says a liberal.

“There are hundreds of hundreds of families that have war heroes that were far more epic than JFK and we don’t hear about them either.” says a Vietnam Veteran.

“I mean how challenging was that swim for a half an hour in a tropical ocean? Especially when you can exercise at the top facilities and you have coaches and you’re getting covered by NBC?! Just how hard was that motivation wise mentally and physically? Just how hard was it really?!?” spits George Bush Sr. in the grave. “I have a feeling swimming in Maine is a heck of a lot harder than what you did today or yesterday. Whenever the hell was you even swam that Caroline.”

“I kind of wonder if Lacey wasn’t crazy to question if it was a little more impressive to swim in the lake for an hour in May in Minnesota.” says JP Morgan. “Two hours ago the Illuminati said, ‘Lacey thinks it was harder to swim in the lake. She’s crazy, she’s crazy!’ ‘Oh, she’s flipped! Oh, she’s evil, she’s ridiculous!’ …But now doesn’t seem like that does it? So maybe you should stop while you are still ahead in the conversation. It’s about to get very ugly.”

“What is a gong?!” asks Simon Johnson of Lacey’s family.

“I think the idea is that you’re supposed to have purchased a title in the 1800s.” says a Rothschild sarcastically.

“So then our billion dollar oil doesn’t mean anything and my title is worth shit? And it’s because to you people it has to be big big big big! Big boobs, big car, big big big foot to meet anything? And and you have to be in front of a television!!! …So if you’re a knighted author doesn’t matter unless if you’re big famous big wow, big?!?” says Simon.

“No I hear what she saying. The argument that they make is that Jacques Fath Iris is worth shit compared to Chanel Number 5 when it comes to quality, meaning, value and importance. And just because you can buy Chanel Number 5 for $80 and you can barely purchase Jacques Fath Iris does not mean anything to these people. No, to them that’s insane. Because it’s all about big big big!” says a perfume hater.

“I think you get my drift. The problem is…you purchased that title you know? And the purchasing of a title wasn’t recognized as acceptable for a long time in genuine high society in Europe at first. …Our family through the Seays was awarded a title most likely in the 1200s by fighting. Not by stealing land, not by purchasing something, but by fighting. Fighting valiantly in war, with William the Conqueror. And they may have lost that somewhere over the next 500 years but can any of you say that you have a family with the same name as your mother with an aristocratic title attached to the name that dates back to the 1200s. …Only losing their relevance to the upper class due to THE CIVIL WAR…over 600 years later?! They kept their wealth and status for possibly 660 years! That’s more than twice as long as the US has officially existed as a country.

If you can’t say that or better then you lose in my opinion.” says Simon. “See the problem is it is based on hereditary principles, and then you could say well, ‘The presidency was a very big deal. Yeah it was but so is the Electoral College. The US President can not be a US President without the Electoral College. It’s not the same thing as being President though you’re right… Of course our Electoral College vote actually counted…and it was never aborted in any fashion…so I guess based off of the fact that you managed to buy the Presidency and what else? that people accepted you in the upper class through Lem being molested, you win Caroline.

Other than that you lose.” says Simon. “Do we care that you have the presidency? No we really don’t. We’re not impressed by you if we’re being honest, you’re our country now in our mind. And it is unspeakably upsetting.

YOUR COUNTRY according to your evil power through the Illuminati…is very dependent on our oil right now…to be taken seriously…in the eyes of the world. …When has your family ever had that sort of importance? Never in that way. No…you started World War II. That’s significant, too isn’t it?

The nation is actually in peril right now in a way that it’s never been before…and our oil we rent to you…is the only reason why people are taking this damn country of yours seriously at all in certain sectors. The world is taking my family seriously…and they should take us a hell of a lot more seriously…because the only reason things haven’t been completely falling apart is because Lacey is a genius and so was I. And I am taxed to the limit right now, I’m exasperated with you people.

That oil that we have on our land that’s just ours and doesn’t belong to anybody else is seriously far more important than you are being told. …It is the gold that keeps this country alive. And then you have Sarah Jessica Parker, and a few bitch housewives with big boobs shitting in your face. My family is suspicious of all of you…deal with it.” says Simon.

“So you win! You win yeah, sorry we’re not old money American elite by your standards, maybe that’s not true in reality…but by your standards we lost.” says Gunhild Berge of a historic silversmith family.

“Did your family actually own the company that made the silver or did you just work for people…cause you were peasants who were really smart right? Because that’s how prefer to think of it” says an “old money elite” woman.

“Well, that’s an interesting question. I’m not sure if that’s possible. I think your understanding of history is lacking. I don’t think that there were silversmiths who were peasants. I think you have an imaginary world that you live in that doesn’t exist. I’m sorry.

The sad truth is I have a great granddaughter who is worth a lot more and was on a TV show in Norway, than some famous journalists who you would consider to be elite. Norway is not hungry. It’s not Slovakia. …I’m sorry if that’s hard for some people to hear but Norway is a grand country. We’re not Sweden.

The Vikings existed. It’s not debated whether or not we existed the way that Celtic kings and queens can sometimes be debated by historians.

We don’t hate Ireland that I’m aware of.

You guys need to learn to take a hint once in a while because you’re ruining the world. And then you started this argument off in 2017 by sending an Arab to insinuate that my great granddaughter is an idiot. A slutty gross idiot. And that my family with a knighted Norwegian author doesn’t understand what it means to be Norwegian today at all? Or ever? We are still extremely well connected to Norway. …The whole point of Simon’s novel was to not assimilate too much to American culture.

Don’t ever question my family’s allegiance, to or connection to or understanding of Norwegian culture for the next hundred years because I’m too damn angry to stand it. We are experts in this country in Norwegian culture, we are experts.

Now to answer your stupid question you slut-.” Gunhild weeps.

Nils has to finish, “Yes, Sons of Norway, the HOSTFEST. …You don’t know. The HOSTFEST is not like a beer drinking festival.

It involves Bunads and silversmith jewelry. We dominated and dominate the Hostfest to some degree. The Nesheims are kind of a big deal, they’ve been participating in the Hostfest for decades. And I’m not about to be intimidated by some darkie with oil in the Middle East if that’s what he chooses to keep acting like. I don’t even believe darkies exist but if that’s the caricature he wants to be I don’t have respect for him…and no one else does either. His supremacy in that case is almost entirely in his mind.

Some Eric Prince, who thinks he’s hot? Why doesn’t he just go model underwear for Victoria’s Secret and call it a day? To have people imagine sucking his cock as they fall asleep at night? I was far more handsome than you. I’m not intimidated, you little bitch.

What? I’d the whole of old money elite America propped up on his ass?! But what if he farts? Do I fall to the ground if I join you?

And that’s the thing sweetheart…if I’m talking to an actual Arab Prince…if you didn’t pretend to be some perfume collector on Instagram, who harassed Lacey sadistically and insulted my entire family‘s honor then I don’t have a beef with you. I hope you understand what that means. It means my insults are canceled.

Now, as to answering the question about it about Norway again more thoroughly. Lacey can know that they likely owned the company at some point but I cannot clearly indicate to Lacey when that was, but they they were considered at least very reputable. If they didn’t own the company outright. There was a book written about them, because they were so well respected and so historic in Norway.” says Nils.

“That’s not normal so then I don’t believe it. No, it’s impossible because I’ve determined to think she’s shit.” says the “old money elite American woman.”

“You know you’re insane. You’re clearly wrong.” says Reta in response to the old money woman.

“They wrote that book, not as a memoir about Hillary Clinton, or Barack Obama or Madeleine Albright. They wrote the book on my family for experts, who are fascinated about silversmith history. It was a book written for actual legitimate experts, not just Hollywood bimbos.” says Gunhild Berge.

“So the deal is actually lose or not?” asks Caroline. “I’m on the table for it. Are we counting them as elite or not?”

“Well I put it like this: it doesn’t matter to you what I think.” says Betty White. “There are people in Lacey’s family who have climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. You have not accomplished that much with your life Carol and you’ve lived-off your family name and then you swan a half an hour in a tropical ocean and you think it’s NBC worthy news.”

“You guys aren’t even really old money. No, they are they winners. I’m sorry you can’t even afford a $4 million house without assistance. Your cousins have said they were broke for legal purposes to get out of helping people they put in wheelchairs…and thank God our family isn’t like that. My million dollar estate so to speak is paid for. It’s owned by my family. I’m not trying to judge you because I empathize but I don’t think you understand.

You’re talking to a ‘mob boss’s daughter’ but you might be more intimidated by my family than you are by her. That being said her father is a far bigger deal than our family has ever been and any of you probably have ever been either.

If you really want to take her down a peg when you’re dead go up to her father and ask him how he wasn’t related to the people who started this country either in Massachusetts or NewAmsterdam and if you can prove that then, maybe you win if you can’t prove that then you lose and I wouldn’t trust any research you do at this point so wait until your dad.” says the cousin JaM who owns this house.

“I’m so pretty right?!” asks Casi.

“You’re not prettier than Lacey, you never were.” says Shaveydavey.

“I don’t think any of us were for real.” says another perfume hater.

“OK with the house above is not a mansion right? It’s like a 9000 square-foot house on an state with six horses in the stables but that’s like a farm not like an aristocratic estate, no doubt?” says Casi.

“OK so that that is a mansion size wise architecturally aesthetically that’s a mansion. Fine. It’s worth maybe $5 million and then there’s room for horses and shit and I am sure that they’re not even listed in the online white pages…but somehow somehow they are still beneath me. I will make it work. I will. I will make it work.!” says a “Manhattan aristocrat.”

“So I’m still prettier than her right? I’m still prettier than her?” asks Casi.

“Well yeah and my $30 million estate in New York means more than that estate and I mean we’re in the middle of New York. We don’t have land outside, we don’t have oil, but it’s still in New York City and I have a famous name…so I have a famous name…and I have an expensive house in Manhattan…and I went to some Ivy League school that her family probably both teaches at and goes to. Totally unrelated. I know you’re a fucking piece of shit physically compared to pretty much everyone in her entire family Casi, so just stop.” says a woman.

More later.

After finishing the latest episode of And Just Like That Lacey feels hopeless.

“I’m done arguing. Lem probably was straight. My family is old money, they’re not necessarily the height of all old money in the entire world or the United States even, but they are old money. And you can’t make them peasants.

People are obsessed with ‘privilege’ nowadays. How old was Gen. Z seven years ago? They were teenagers. So do you think this conversation has confused people spiritually? Yes, it has. Miranda’s not privileged. She’s an old woman and those two young women thinking that they are her equal are psychotic and that’s why I feel hopeless.” says Lacey.

“No she’s right when we were young and we were in positions like that we would find some way to attack the older person based on our usefulness or our relevance or something along those lines because we were jealous of their power. Those girls are also just jealous of her power, but they don’t have the self-awareness themselves to realize that and they’re rewarded today in society constantly. Miranda even worrying about privilege is absurd. I would agree.” says a Boomer.

More later.

“Okay!” says a leader in the Illuminati.

“Okay!” says Lem.

“You want to make a conversation?” asks Simon.

“You two don’t impress us because you lack power and influence and connections.” says the Illuminati man.

“Yeah! And do you know why??” asks Lem.

“Why?” asks a living Bush, rubbing his forehead.

“Because we didn’t know we needed them.” says Lem.

“I actually was powerful.” says Simon. “When I was alive…you’d be surprised how different this would look.” He snickers. “I’m faking an accent to be silly. I’m sorry.”

“What would you have done?” asks an actress from And Just Like That.

“You’d be scared I’d find out. …You’d have had to kill me mysteriously…or address things respectfully.” says Simon. “I’m the boss of Mr. Blue.” He sighs. “To some degree. We had a lot of readers.” He thinks. “I had a very large audience. In terms of power I may be exaggerating…but I think I had at least that much actual power.”

“So your assertion Lem is that you all got lazy in regard to actual power?” asks a living Bush.

“Yeah. In a way.” says Lem.

“My family was proud. And that was enough. They are very wealthy and successful. That estate is in my family. …But…they would never have dreamed they needed protection from an Illuminati, to this degree at least.” says Simon. “My great nephew dated the mother of Fergie’s husband. That was amusing to us. Not monumental. Impressive. But not…really all that shocking… See…Mel Pantell might have been married to Jim. And Paula was almost married to a Carlyle. It’s…cool…but not shocking.” says Simon.

“I’m confused!” yells Lord Snotgrass. “Don’t you think I might have had connections?!?”

“Not like mine.” says Simon.

“I had connections too. My son used to go on private prayer walks with Gloria Copeland.” says Ron Craft. “They weren’t sexual. They just prayed.”

“That’s not normal.” says Lem.

“My brother-in-law was a private doctor for the California football team.” says Ron laughing. “Lacey doesn’t know the name of the team. And I’m possibly telling her it’s the Raiders.” He smiles and nods. “One of you might be helping me.”

“See…that’s the thing. My family was like that too. And we were certainly old money. …Both before and after the Crash of 1929.” says Lem. “And my father was a doctor, and whether Lacey‘s uncle’s brother-in-law works for the Raiders, the Rams or the 49ers or the Buccaneers that’s the kind of thing people who are old money do who don’t know that they need to be powerful.” He rolls his eyes. “And we’ll just keep going with all of the connections that Lacey has that she refuses to use out of her sense of honor and also a sense that her family wouldn’t really want to bother.”

“I would’ve bothered, I would’ve cared, but I’m a different person even though I am related to her either through blood or legally related to her.” says Simon. “Different personperson than the family that raised her to some degree is in regard to her like her uncles and aunts and even grandparents. My immediate family was very loving and compassionate. Her grandfather was loving and he was the school-board president and he died and had money to give his family. He was a millionaire when he retired most likely, but he wasn’t someone that she would’ve confided in.”

“Can I just say you’re not getting it. She’s not a street urchin peasant. No, that is possibly something that you hear in your spirit because the father who raised her told her that. If Lacey is actually my biological daughter, she was told that when she was about three years old by Jim. He told her verbatim, You’re lucky you’re not dead in a gutter somewhere!’ or something very close to that. If she was my biological daughter. At least will say that for now as our explanation, but the idea was that she was not his biological daughter, but her mother didn’t know that that they were both totally exhausted from working too much and that he could kill her if he wanted to rightfully because she was lucky to not be dead in a gutter somewhere anyway. He framed it in such a way that she was totally unwanted and totally unloved if she’s my daughter.

Of course, if she’s my daughter, the irony is that she spent the first 2 to 3 months of her life being held by me on my shoulder. And so if I am her father, this made no sense to her, because if she remembered being held by me in a very little tiny part of her brain that I may have reminded her of if I was already dead, or someone else did, she knew that that was absolute nonsense and that someone actually did love her, and that was the moment that she started to reject her father, who raised her. Not entirely in a disrespectful way, but more in a respectful, ‘You have no idea what you’re talking about. I think you’re insane.’ type of way. And that’s a fairly distinct memory so be careful assuming that it’s not. She can’t 100% guarantee that it happened but that’s a memory that she shared with her counselor in college and at the time it felt real. It’s still feels real now…maybe it’s not…but it’s very unlikely that it’s not real at least to some degree. The only reason she doesn’t totally remember it is because it was when she was around three or four years old, if it’s real, so it’s a very vague memory.

If it’s real, and he actually said all that awful stuff, it was a lie. She wasn’t aborted. Thelma contacted him often to try to see her or get a picture of her. Thelma was my mistress I was crazy for Thelma. I was madly in love with her, and if Lacey is my daughter Thelma knew that. I don’t want to explain a lot, but suffice to say I wanted her as my daughter, and if Thelma knew that it scared her to think that Lacey didn’t know.” He thinks. “She’s my daughter if she’s biologically my daughter she’s my daughter. Mel’s father might think of her as his granddaughter for a good reason and I’ll let him speak now. As if you don’t want to understand how I was involved in Watergate and why ended-up in prison then I am done arguing with you as well.”

“Was is it for tax evasion?” asks Cafe Fleur.

“I used to donate a lot of money to the Democratic Party, a lot. When I stop donating money to them and start donating it to the Republicans suddenly I was a criminal. You could say it was for tax evasion, but in reality, I was a criminal, and they just decided to start paying attention when I made the wrong people upset.” He thinks. “I never had kids for a reason. I was raised in wealth and I had a sense of honor and dignity and love and I cared. I was no one to mess around with. I was a very dangerous person but I didn’t want my kids to suffer.

I think her father might not have realized how much I loved her arm, and I may not have realized how dangerous he was in ways that I wouldn’t be. That is if I am her biological father. If she is my daughter, I gave her up with the premise that she was going to be well taken care of, and a nice family. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was old Thelma was old her mother was a wreck and I thought, ‘No, just give her to these people and it’ll be great.’ If I am her father, her mother did possibly try to visit her once and it did not work out very well.

If you have DNA evidence suggests that I am not her father I know that and I don’t care and I wish she had been my daughter.” says Thomas Banks.

“Hey, I’m Mel’s dad. I am a British aristocrat. I’m dead and I’m incredibly angry. If you aren’t gonna call me an aristocrat fine. Then maybe I don’t wanna call you an aristocrat.

I was probably the heir to a British shipping fortune. Do I need to keep going on? For all you know I’m her biological grandfather and I’m just as angry and mean as she is when she gets very angry after being pushed too far. So did you ever figure out if Mel was her biological mom or not? Or do you all just cross your fingers, dance around for five minutes, jump up and down and then whatever comes in to your head has to be true?” asks Mel’s father.

“And did you kill Karrie?” asks Ben Y.

“No.” he says.

“Are you her biological grandfather?” asks Ben.

“Yes and no?” he says mysteriously.

“Hey if you are her biological grandfather, which seems unlikely, but if you are, would you want to claim her as your granddaughter?” asks Ben.

“Yes!” he says.

“Alright but those are all dead men. Simon, Ben, me, Louis, Michael, Mel’s father, possibly her own biological father. We’re all dead so let’s list living connections that might matter.” says Lem. “See you’re trying to make a social class argument that doesn’t work. Social class isn’t just about power and money. It’s also about culture and genetics and other things and on a certain level it’s incredibly unfair of you to expect me and her to somehow have anticipated an illegal criminal organization running the entire world and then try to make a class argument on that premise. No, that’s absurd! She’s not a peasant! And you might want to be to try to dominate her and control her but she’s simply not a real peasant.

Let me ask you this: back in the 1950’s and 60’s were all people who were journalist in the Illuminati? If they weren’t you lose your argument, and if there are some people like Louis’s grandkids, who aren’t in the Illuminati you lose your argument, and then you just are making an argument for people to not donate money if they’re rich. If they do their kids will turn into your targets.

I don’t know how many times we have to explain this to you, but I just did. I’ll explain it again, you can be obsessed with power and money in the Illuminati all you want that’s your choice but you can’t treat someone like Lacey like she’s an actual real peasant or even a sheeple because she’s not. If she was, she’d have grace for that but she has no grace for that because that’s not real. No, it’s not real and your insistence that it is is beginning to seem psychotic.” says Lem. He laughs.

“OK but they’ve never been recognized by High Society.” says a popular young woman in Illuminati circles.

“Actually, that’s not really true. Out on the West Coast they have been recognized by High Society to at least some degree. Maybe not as a ‘big-name family,’ but certainly as respectable dining companions. Her cousin, who she used to go out with to the opera and the ballet, would probably have been able to conjure up some fairly impressive friends. You might’ve been mildly impressed? Her cousin who used to ski regularly over in Norway?

And that’s where the Electoral College vote is in Washington state. It’s with the people out there. And one of them I will not say who, but one of them, voted for Barack Obama because they had to. But you can’t get that place you can’t become part of the Electoral College without being somewhat recognized. And no, they actually have been recognized by High Society to some degree.

I don’t think most of you know who the Carlisle‘s are but they were High Society in California and Paula almost married one. They were together for 20 years.” says Lem, patiently. “And if you start saying a bit, ‘Ahh…but Lacey‘s only related.’ They are a titan clan and that’s where all the oil is. They all share the oil rights. And so she is shares mineral rights with a cousin who was in the Electoral College and they’ve they’ve partied together, not in a raucous way, but they’ve gone to thr Hostfest together, they go to watch each other’s weddings, they’ve grown-up together. They’re very tight knit family in a way, they’ve had multiple reunions during Lacey‘s life.

I don’t know how else to be more clear to people.” says Lem getting exasperated.

“Maria, her legal aunt, was there the night of Chappaquiddick. She was my date. There’s your first weird connection if Lacey’s just a peasant. We were middle-class family and we were friends with your family Wobbly. Ahh…that’s not made up. I did take her to meet Joan your aunt on Martha’s Vineyard. And it was for lunch most likely.” says Tony Vitali.

“Since we’re not so sure that the Kennedys are old money with that we’d start there.” says Lem’s mom.

“I grab her friend’s ass at a meet and greet!” says President Biden. He laughs. “And another one of her friends styled my clothes once. He’s still connected to her on social media.”

“Another slightly close friend of her’s worked on my Senate campaign and apparently met me.” says former US Senator Al Franken.

“I worked on a campaign for the governor of Washington State. And that was just one important connections I had. There many others.” says her cousin Judge Howard of Washington state. “My cousin and hers is an important professor.”

“I used to compete in yachting races.” says another one of Lacey’s cousins.

“There are other things. But we’re tired.” says Lem. “Last one: Paul.”

“My son is famous world explorer Paul Schurke. He’s a big deal. He met the Russian leader personally. Like…Yeltsin. He’s a very big deal. And I considered Lacey’s mom my closest friend. She’s in my obituary.” says Lois.

“But you all don’t control Disney.” says a man.

“No! But that doesn’t mean we aren’t in a higher class than you.” says Lois.

“You’re conflating power with privilege. And connections used for power with having them. You’re obstinately clinging to a delusion. …You’re all extremely delusional. …Just because you can control things doesn’t make you elegant or aristocratic or noble or well-bred. You’re all devoid of sense in that regard. She’s old money. They’re not pulling the strings but they’re not supposed to have to care.” says Stanley Kubrick.

“I agree!” says JD Rockefeller. “If you knew this could happen then what?”

“My brother, the father who raised her, would be a multi-millionaire and she’d have grown up in a mansion in West Bloomington. I’d be a dead US Senator or US Congressman. My sister would have been the state auditor of North Dakota. To start.” says Ron Craft. “And don’t call a 4000 sq. ft. house a ‘big house.’ It’s a mansion overlooking a river.”

“Except you never got so rich as to have joined us!” says Erin.

“You’re not right. You’re far poorer than us.” says Mark Nesheim. “We’ve been richer for a long, long time.”

“But you never got famous!” says Erin.

“We did in Norway. And actually, if we knew you existed we’d have had a Miss America winner potentially in our clan. At least once, very likely. We won Miss North Dakota. Remember?!?” scoffs Mark Nesheim.

“You know what confuses me is: why didn’t you ever contact me? …I was extremely rich and powerful! I have a feeling you did contact me. You possibly contacted my family back in the 1800s and we didn’t want to be a part of your organization. And by your organization I mean the Illuminati.

Yes my family was wealthy. Yes I was extremely wealthy. And it’s possible you people have been trying to recruit us for generations and then my daughter finds you and yesterday I heard a long excuse from the CIA about how you might’ve stalked her. But do you think I’m dumb enough to believe that? If you did stalk her OK, you’re a freak Mr. Blue. And then it just proves that we’re superior to you most likely.

If you didn’t stalk her which would actually dovetail perfectly with her being my daughter it’s weird that she found you if if my family has been stalked by the Illuminati for generations either way. And what I think some living Rockefellers don’t want to realize is that Lacey is prettier than them and possibly smarter too…and just as well bred.

Stop thinking of her as the shit the Kennedys pooped out as that’s not reality. Lacey could’ve very easily married Michael. I really was friends with Humphrey Bogart. If you don’t understand the social connections, your family had to Lauren Bacall then I I’m not gonna bother, but I don’t think you understand.” says Thomas Banks. “And if you love her…I’m sorry she doesn’t know”

“I just wanna point out that earlier today the Kennedys were desperately sad that Lacey was snapping at them and now they’re acting like she’s the shit under their shoes. …Are you sure Mary was the one who was borderline Wobbly or was that you and most of your family? You’re using Lacey‘s children to attack her, you’re pathetic.

And now I’d like to point out something very funny Wobbly has a theory that I gave him great orgasms, or his uncle great orgasms at my farm? And that the Secret Service didn’t know that him and his uncle were there while JFK was US President. Or alternately that my mother was crazy about Jack, and desperately wanted me to spend my entire life chasing him even though my family actually thought I had ruined my life by misguidedly doing fist to some degree. He thinks that that’s not reality even if that’s reality, he thinks in reality my family was crazy about Jack, madly obsessed with him. Of course not as much as me, but almost. If Joe Sr. had asked my mother on a date, she would’ve fainted according to Wobbly.

But the Secret Service couldn’t find the farmhouse where Jack was fucking me, making me orgasm-scream. And how that’s not sexual abuse to drop a little boy off to watch his uncle fuck someone I don’t know. It’s sexual abuse if Wobbly was there and he saw the entire thing…even though the Secret Service didn’t hear or see. No one else saw. Just him and me and Jack were there and maybe his father according to him. So Wobbly wasn’t sexually molested by me, Jack and his father, but he saw us having sex? Or no? The Kennedys came to my farmhouse…so Jack could fuck me? Because they all knew about the farmhouse but the Secret Service didn’t?

No, I didn’t molest him. Maybe he saw his uncle and his father having sex, but I wasn’t a part of that. I never molested Wobbly, but if he wants to claim otherwise I dare him to. The truth is, I never enjoyed my sexual experiences with Jack and I was straight, and I highly doubt that Bobby ever saw me do anything that would suggest otherwise. But in Wobbly’s mind, we had hot sex, hot, hot sex at my farm house. And I had no sexual feelings or contact with Wobbly or any boys or girls in that family or kids anywhere ever.

This latest season of And Just Like That was supposed to be at an empathetic, ‘Oh gotch!’ Because they knew Lacey watches the show and she was so fascinated by it last year and they want to think she’s homophobic. Ché has tried to kiss her telepathically at least twice and never to any point of interest at all from Lacey, other than concern for Ché’s sanity, and in a totally platonic friendly way up until recently when Ché was a little too inappropriate and Lacey finally had to start totally ignoring them.”

A second later.

“When I went to Annapolis, there were men there, who were obsessed with strategy and gaining power. That was all they ever thought about. And I remember thinking they were nuts. I don’t think that anymore now. I understand why they were so obsessed with it and I feel bad for judging them. I may not have chosen that path for myself, and maybe they weren’t all that innocent but I think some of them probably did have some insight into the reality of the possibility of you guys existing that I didn’t have.” says Ron Craft. “Did you guys have that um sense of things??” Ron asks Lem.

“Yeah, I know we did have a sense of the Illuminati if it exists to some degree and actually Lacey did too but I don’t think it was you being a poor farm boy that made you think that it didn’t exist. I think it was you being from North Dakota and being in your family? Ed Nesheim wouldn’t have been the slightest bit surprised. He tried to write about you all and all of his family on countless occasions.” says Lem.

Ed nods. “No my neighbors all thought it was absolutely insane. My family was divided but they loved me unconditionally. I was not as insane as everyone thinks. And this blog is testament to that if there’s an Illuminati and Ed Nesheim figured you people out. I may not have known that it was literally the Illuminati but I had some sense that you all existed.” says Ed.

“OK we’re gonna have to kill her. I know everyone’s on board and I’m excited to do it.” says Wobbly.

“Hey OK but Wobbly you’re counting on everyone to be evil and support you in killing these people sadistically, you’re counting on a basic zombie apocalypse. Or are you trying to suggest you’re gonna blow them up?” asks a witch.

“I’ll sue you! Lacey one of us will sue you and then that’ll just prove that everything you’ve written is true.” says Wobbly to Lacey.

Later.

“Goodnight.” says Lem, exhausted.

Later.

“After looking into it…turns out…if her family had tried there are three pathways where they could have potentially contacted Mr. Blue’s boss and has him ream Mr. Blue out. But…that would have required deeply caring about Lacey. …They care. But…not enough to try that much.” says Lem.

“Would he have reamed me out?” asks Batgirl III?

“No. But they’d have called your boss too!” snipes Lem.

“But they couldn’t call my boss!” says Caroline.

“No. They could have damaged your reputation though.” says Lem. “They have far better connections than you think.”

Silence.

“Goodnight.” says Lem.