Violence

Lacey is not who you want her to be.

“No, she’s really not a southern hick. Her family is like the British aristocracy but they’re Norwegian. They’re very stuffy…and you look like a hick trying to call them a hicks.” says Casi.

“That cannot be true!” says the perfume community.

“How wealthy are you guys?“ asks one of Lacey’s neighbors.

“Does she need to move next to people who are wealthier?!” asks a wealthier man in Saint Paul. “You people sound dangerous? What about North Oaks?”

“I think if her kids are attending the private schools that they’ve been attending so far that the other side of St. Paul near Summit Avenue would probably suffice.” says a former Montessori teacher of her son’s.

“So Lem is really buff and truthfully we’ve contorted images we’ve seen of Lacey in our heads to make her ugly.” says the perfume community.

“Yeah, I did that too!” says Nancy.

“Why??” asks a perfume hater.

“We’re violent.” says Nancy.

“Yeah. Why?” asks Elsie Hill.

“So she has no idea why were angry?” asks a perfume hater, smirking an evil smirk.

“I have a feeling you feel like you’re justified being evil because you’re poor but you’re really not justified attacking Lacey at all. That’s your delusion. If you want to have a fight attack someone who’s hurt her in her family or someone else who you’re afraid of attacking. Attacking her just makes you a useless piece of shit other than in the eyes of God.” says Princess Diana.

“But we thought we could get to hurt her.” says the perfume community like insane peasants. Their eyes go glassy with sociopathic hatred.

“Why did you want to hurt her?” asks Michael.

“Because she’s so perfect! It’s fun!” says the perfume community.

“And vulnerable and sweet. But you had no idea how that would effect her family or other people in her class did you?” asks Nelson Rockefeller.

“No we thought that it would make a bigger impact than it did.” says Nancy.

“Oh it made a huge impact but not in the way that you thought it would. …Why do you think that the upper class is imaginary? It really is possible her family is genetically superior to almost all of you. That’s what we based the Holocaust on. You all were idiots! Because…there’s no way to attack them…by making them feel insecure. Or is there?” asks a Nazi officer.

“So when she leaves things unedited, it’s after the CIA or a demon or both have edited it to make it sound stupid to try to change the conversation? And sometimes an ounce of truth comes through…but if we’re super excited about her unedited work, it’s proof that we’ve lost isn’t it?” asks Nancy.

“Yes, obviously. She’s not awkward. She’s not stupid. She’s not a loser. …Let’s think back to what the Nazi official just said because they just made a very important point that you don’t want to talk about…because it scares you.” says Thomas Banks.

“Why don’t you want to talk about it? There is a way to make the upper class feel insecure.” says Lady Diana Spencer.

Holiday House by Beach House plays.

“Lem. Lem feels insecure.” says Lady Diana Spencer. “Because…Lacey is more perfect than him.”

“And I told them he cheated with me.” says JFK. “And Lacey took that as fair warning to leave him alone. Because she’s so meek.”

The song plays.

“But he didn’t?” says Jack laughing awkwardly to mock Lem. He contorts his neck to make it look thicker. He acts dorky.

“No. I didn’t.” says Lem.

“And so…Lem tortured himself. For over a year. But…Lacey loves him.” says Lady Diana Spencer. “And he tortured Lacey too. He still is. It’s a mess.”

“The following is an unedited excerpt from her novel and it’s rather risqué. Her name is Emmeline and Lem’s name is Max. Louis’s name is Malcolm. Jack’s name is Hellman Kelly.” says Winston Churchill.

…

The problem for Max emerged at that exact moment. For as he descended the staircase…he first overheard the whispers.

“Did you hear that Max is wearing Caron lavender?” asks a socialite.

“He’s upstairs with Hellman Kelly right now.” another responds.

“What do you suppose men like that do?” asks the first.

Then…as he moved past them…savoring their obtuseness…as they didn’t notice him he saw Emmeline…kiss Malcolm.

He kissed her…passionately pushing her back and into a closet underneath the stairs. Presumably to have some sort of way with her.

Devastated…Max rushed toward Emmeline…grabbing Malcolm.

“You’ve got to stop.” he said.

“Why?” asks Malcom.

Silence.

“You’re the one who brought the Kelly’s here. I don’t hate them. But I’m certainly not going to let you push your way around. She’s my girl now.” says Malcolm.

Emmeline ached. Why didn’t he just punch Malcolm in the face?

“You’re right.” says Max.

“So then. Leave us alone.” says Malcolm.

“I can’t do that.” says Max.

Malcolm looks worried.

“Why?” asks Emmeline desperately.

“I’ll be hurt.” says Max.

“But you don’t love me.” says Emmeline.

“No. I do love you.” says Max.

“Then why am I here?!?” asks Emmeline wistfully, in humming sadness.

Max smiles to himself…”Come with me.” he says awkwardly to Emmeline.

“You’re a cheat!” says Emmeline with hidden doubt.

“No. I’m not taking that!” he says. He grabs her arm and drags her out of the house…through the party…making a scene.

Everyone watches in bewilderment.

“You cheat!” yells Emmeline when they’ve reached his car. She kicks him in the leg, pounds on his chest, stupidly.

He tries not to laugh.

“Don’t laugh at me!” she seethes.

“No one can hear us.” he says, pinning her against his car with his body.

“Why were you kissing him?” asks Max kissing her neck. “You smell good.”

“It’s tuberose. I’m glad you like it.” she says sweetly.

He opens the car door and pushes her inside. He lays on top of her, finally holding his head up with his hand.

“Why are we here?” he asks, hurt. Suddenly he feels insecure.

She notices his insecurity but is overwhelmed by his masculinity. She elegantly writhes under his frame, embracing his loins with her softness.

“No. You lied.” he says.

She writhes further.

“You lied.” he says. He begins to writhe as well.

She moves to kiss him. He resists.

“Why won’t you let me kiss you?” asks Emmeline.

“Because you lied.” he says. He kisses her neck. Forming a mark slowly.

“I didn’t…did I?!” she asks somewhat terrified.

“Yes!! You lied.” he says looking her in the eyes. He takes off his glasses and caresses her face with his.

“How did I lie?!?” she asks, confused.

“You promised me you’d never love another.” he says, ripping off her dress. He quickly undresses himself as well.

“No!! We never promised that!” she says sitting up. Naked. Her beautiful breasts lit by the moon under her fragile, elegant shoulders.

“You silly goose!” he says pulling her underneath him.

“How?!?” she asks. “How did I lie?! You lied! …You lied! And I loved you!” she says almost weeping.

He begins to cry as well.

“Oh no! Why are you crying??” she begs.

“Nothing…I just…thought…you’d never hurt me.” he says.

“I wouldn’t have.” says Emmeline. “But you were missing.”

He laughs. “No! That’s absurd.”

“No!! You went missing! With Hellman Kelly!” says Emmeline.

“No. Who told you that?!” asks Max, enraged.

“The sisters.” says Emmeline.

“They lied!” he says.

“If they didn’t…Malcolm will find out.” says Emmeline.

Max laughs. “I didn’t. And I love you.” he says. He alights himself into her and begins making love.

“No!” says Emmeline.

“You don’t mean no. Listen…I’ll forgive you…but you must…do me a favor and try to believe me. I can prove it to you.” he says.

“No. You’re lying.” says Emmeline with deadly sadness.

“No. I’m not.” he says.

“Then why aren’t we married?” she asks.

“We can get married!” he says.

…

“He really didn’t lie. He was lied about, and yet she actually has been unfaithful as a result of believing the lies. It’s very corny umm…towards the end, not at the beginning. I don’t care what you think. People actually talk like that when they’re in love, or at least they used to but I started getting tired when I wrote the end and I will have to edit it because it started just being nonsense.” says Lacey.

“I hate you!” says a perfume hater.

“Why?” asks Lady Diana Spencer.

“Because you’re not supposed to be that human. None of you are.” says a perfume hater.

More later.

“Hey, I’m lost. Do you wish Lacey would fuck you?” asks Michael.

“No. She longs for me. But…I do the fucking.” says Lem.

“Don’t you miss being fucked?” asks Michael.

“No. I abhorred that.” says Lem. “It’s why Raul or whatever his name was…thought I didn’t want to wake-up with a significant other.”

Michael laughs.

“She…doesn’t lie.” says Michael.

“Would you have missed getting fucked?” asks Lem who used to impersonate women even though he apparently never was on the receiving end. And Jack…used him…and…yet…magically never deeply hurt him? It’s weird the more you think about it objectively. Why is Lem so…happy? Why did Lem give heroin to kids who were supposedly the light of his life? Why did he encourage their deaths…and self-destruction…if he didn’t see them as sociopaths? When…he…apparently wasn’t a sociopath?

Go In by Warpaint plays.

“No. What hateful gay men don’t want to accept is two-fold. An asshole isn’t as pleasurable as a vagina for either parties. Men have known this fact for centuries. …And secondly…it’s a completely different experience.” says Michael. “When a woman longs for you…it’s like getting fucked by a man. You can get lost in it. And the vagina…longing for you…is…intoxicating as a man. Men die trying to make love to it.” he says. He laughs. “Maybe…some men…don’t want that role. But…other men do. I did. Lem did. Maybe…Jack did not.”

Chris Noth awkwardly dances to Bedroom by yungatita.

“My character hated scenes like the final scene from this week’s And Just Like That.” says Chris Noth.

“Yeah. That’s not my ‘vibe’ either. I don’t think it’s pleasant.” says Lem.

“And that doesn’t make you want to fall apart and be with a man?” asks Michael.

“No. Would you cry like that?” asks Lem.

“No!!” yells Michael. “I’m not a woman!” he yells.

Ché laughs.

“Men might…not…actually…be that…way.” says Ché, carefully.

“Yeah. We don’t cry. Like that…” says Harold. “Lacey does. Or she dies.”

“Or she dies?!” asks Kim Cattrall.

“Yeah!” says Lem’s father.

“And that’s not hard on us! Unless you mean…literally.” says Lem.

Sarah Jessica Parker laughs.

“Well! It’s true. I’m sorry to have to say it. We don’t…mind.” says Lem.

“So…you really thought Jack was your needy butch-bitch wife?” asks an actor.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“And you didn’t mind being there for her. But…she was…needy.” says a gay actor.

“He was a monster. And I was a dutiful man. Very patient! But I had to constantly repress my feelings. Not like…feminine weeping…but…any and all of my feelings. He was a demanding, bitchy, arrogant diva. But always the star. Always the center of attention. Always needing complete, fervent adoration. And…he was sexually…insecure…but….also entirely self-focused. …I was his servant. We never once made love. …And I hated him after a while. …But…I thought I was gay. Looking back…it’s…shocking. At the time…being isolated…and traumatized…and sexually inexperienced…I didn’t know any better. I knew what I wanted…but I didn’t realize what a woman would feel like. A woman who aroused me, that is.” says Lem.

“Mr. Big…would never cry over his son that way.” says Chris Noth.

“No! He might kill for him.” says Lem. “But he would never cry…like that.”

“When my son died…I didn’t cry like that.” says Nelson Rockefeller.

A Nazi laughs.

“Would I be a terrible Nazi or a brilliant one?” asks Aidan.

“Would you have left Ché’s performance?” asks Miranda.

“No!! Never.” says Lacey. “She lied. It was all bullshit.”

“So what would you have done?” asks Miranda.

“Just been glad I was done dating them.” says Lacey.

“So you would have felt like you dodged a bullet?” asks Sarah Jessica Parker.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“And that’s all?” asks Sarah.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“You wouldn’t have dated Ché as an adult?” asks Sarah.

“Not past 35.” says Lacey. “Ché, unfortunately for them, is just a jerk.”

“Is there any character you might have dated on that show?” asks Sarah.

“If I had a different orientation? Because I don’t find non-binary people attractive. But I was considering that based on non-gendered personality traits. …Umm…Mr. Big. Was the only one.” says Lacey.

“In ALL versions?! Every episode?!” asks Sarah.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Even Harry?!?” asks Sarah.

“Yes!” says Michael.

“Why?!” asks Casi.

“Because I need to cry.” says Lacey.

They all think.

“I want to hear more about Max and Emmeline.” says Brian Duffield.

“Their names might need adjusting.” says Lem.

“Yeah. You were straight.” says Brian Duffield to Lem. “You didn’t understand what to be upset about at Jack’s wedding?”

“I felt alone. And like a failure. Because I had to face that…my life wasn’t going well. But…I thought I was a homosexual. So it never occurred to me that that was my mistake.” says Lem. “I could give it some bourgeois buzzword psychological name…but I thought I was gay. It was a part of my outlook on everything, everyday. Like an accidentally chosen psychosis. …And if Lacey has been there I would have thought twice…but I just never met her or even anyone like her.” says Lem.

“Why?!?” asks a gay man.

“She’s rare. Get a clue! And not meeting your soulmate is common. …I also was…somewhat perversely held hostage by Jack past age 16 or so.” says Lem. “I think he was far more controlling of me than people can comprehend. It was clever and evil and it ruined my life.”

“What if you had met a woman?” asks a gay man.

“I’d have…had to deal with Jack. Or one of his siblings. They are very evil in that way. They’re loyal and yet they’re also perverse. …I couldn’t escape. Not without Lacey.” He thinks. “Not easily. They take over your brain. They did it to Lacey too. But she’s…got my guns.” says Lem.

“She’s got your guns?!?” asks an English aristocrat.

EM Forester laughs.

“Yeah! And she has no idea how to use them.” says Lem.

“But she tries to be a trooper and…use them?” asks Jack laughing at Lacey.

“You got shot, Jack!” yells Michael.

“No! I got killed.” says JFK.

“With a bullet!” says Standford.

“That’s a coincidence.” says Jack.

“So you hated fucking women?” a gay actor asks Jack.

“Mmm…they’re all gross in how needy they are.” says JFK.

“That’s narcissistic.” says a gay actor.

“So what! …You want me! Don’t you?” says JFK.

“Umm…maybe. But…you’re still a narcissist.” says the gay actor.

Me and My Husband by Mitski plays.

And at that Jack realizes he’s just like Joe. Or Bobby. Or Ted. He’s not secret super special because ‘he’s got a Lemmers.’ Lemmers was a straight man lying to him by accident, mostly by accident.

“No! I’m different!” says JFK.

“No! You’re not.” says Joe.

“Yes! I’m new and fresh and cool!” says JFK.

“How?!” asks Brian Duffield.

“Because there’s no…limit.” says a meth addict otherwise known as JFK.

“So…no give and take?” asks Ché.

“I don’t believe in giving away my rights to my lovers that way.” says JFK.

“OK but what if Lem wanted someone who would just you know be a woman first of all, but like sort of…put out for him?” asks Louis.

“I constantly put out for him. He was always sucking my cock. He was always putting himself inside of me or I demanded that he do that.” says JFK.

“That’s not necessarily putting out though Jack, that’s more the opposite.” says Betty White.

“How do you ever not enjoy getting fucked?” asks Jack.

“Because the vagina is different than a penis Jack. It’s different than a butthole. It’s just completely different. You know that from Jackie. …She didn’t like putting out.” says Red Fay.

“But that’s impossible. What Lem wants is impossible. He wants someone like Jackie? Like…a woman who is curvier but like Marilyn Monroe but Jackie…and somewhat like Betty White apparently…and then she just puts out for him. Ahh…there’s no one alive ever to be like that. Women are never like that! No, that’s impossible.” says JFK. “People people don’t do that and if they do, they’re a prostitute.”

“You know isn’t that kind of what Lem did though? Like…didn’t he umm…constantly put out for you? Like giving you oral and meeting all your needs?” asks a living lesbian.

Lem’s had his needs met when he sucked my cock and put his dick in my butt. If he ever did that the fact that I had to make him was just me being kind. No he had his needs, but he got to suck my cock he wanted to he worshiped me that was the meaning of his existence. I was his everything I was the reason for him to exist at all so being able to suck my cock was all he needed to be happy, he had no sexual needs of his own. If he did they’re a mystery to me that’s why he could wake up alone don’t you see it because I made him happy. The only reason he existed was for me. It was kind of me to make him have, but sucks it was kind of me to have him suck my cock. I was kindness on my part.” says JFK.

“That’s insane! No, that’s insane Jack! No, you sound like malignant narcissistic idiot!” says a living gay man.

“Well…that’s what you guys all believe though. You’ve written novels and movies based on that promise-premise. And that’s what you believe!

I’m just telling you what you already think.

I I slept with a lot of women and I swear I’ve never met one woman who is actually like that…because they always wanted something from you in the end! They did! I mean it’s like they want a relationship then they try to force you into a relationship. See…the problem with you people is that Lacey doesn’t actually do that. She’s very persistent about reality but I know from my brother and even myself slightly if I’m being honest because she didn’t realize that she was interacting with my ghost when she was a teenager…she just moves on. She really does. She completely moves on! And my father has been devastated by it!

It’s like, ‘See you later!’ and she means it. …I have never met anyone like that before. They always secretly hoped that something would happen! They want something from you, and then she doesn’t…and then she just puts out?!? Umm…that’s like the best of both worlds if you’re in love with her and she’s in love with you? Someone who is totally not clingy at all or needy, who just puts out all the time?! …I know that’s rare, but it’s almost like you’re claiming that that was entire generation?! I never met those women, I never met those women. They were never in my family. I never slept with them! Name more than one other woman who’s like that.” says JFK.

“Queen Elizabeth II. And actually, I think a lot of British women might be like that. Think of the women on Keeping Up Appearances. They’re all like Lacey except Lacey is not a slut and she only puts out for her husband. If she does anything else it’s actually abhorrent to her and an accident…which is why what happened with your family is disgusting to me and her both and my father, but that’s a different topic for another time. I am baffled as to how people haven’t realized this about British women. They’re not tarts but they might’ve actually been different than American women and they could still be to some degree. People say that’s just being European. OK, but there could be some Americans that are still like that…and Lacey is one of them actually Lem might’ve been too.” says a British man.

Later.

“So you think British women…put out more?” asks a dead English actor.

“What of it?” says Lem.

“Well…you shouldn’t have assumed what you did.” says the English actor to Lem.

“It was a horrible mistake!” says Lem. He cries.

“And now what do you do?” says the English actor.

Lem laughs. “It’s kind of funny. She’s so loving!” he says. He laughs. Rubs his forehead. “But it’s not like I want to share her with anyone else.”

The English actor thinks. “She’s got 40 or so years left alive. Right? That’s all! …What are the chances a living man could be with her?”

Lem thinks. “Close to none!“

“Right. Which sounds shocking, but isn’t to us. Isn’t to her either, necessarily. …Who is she going to be with?!? Michael?! Lem…you’ve got it all figured out. Now all you have to do is fix her perspective.” says the English actor.

“She’d be killed in an instant if she knew how much I love her.” says Lem, sadly.

“She’s not going to be able to understand it…right away. Fine! Who cares?” he says.

“I just can’t stand it!” says Lem.

The actor nods. “You can’t expect to create chaos and then not deal with chaos.”

“I didn’t think it was going to be this bad. She’s so faithful.” says Lem.

“But you serviced one of the most notoriously unfaithful men in history and it isn’t even clear if you were his mistress or his wife or his slave. You taught her to believe their lies. She only thinks you’re lying because you allowed for it!” he says.

He thinks. “I just don’t want to kill her.”

“Out of desperation. I get it. …Think of your kids. And God’s will, first and foremost.” says the actor.

“It’s terrifying watching her suffer.” says Lem.

He nods.

Out of nowhere, “Kids…this is why you shouldn’t pretend to be gay…if you’re not gay…if Lem wasn’t gay…at all.” He’s making a joke…but he’s also being serious.

Moments later.

“I want to know more about their sexuality, because in all honesty, it is different than today, and it sounds invasive and creepy to say it, but I could see Queen Elizabeth II putting out for Philip no questions asked in an entirely different way than Jackie did for Jack, but the difference I think between the two is that Philip was most likely straight or if he was bisexual he he was very in love with her at least to some degree. I think he might’ve also just been straight but I think Lem is probably very similar to him and I think they loved their wives but I think they do expect them to put out. …I don’t know how many men alive are still like that who are straight, and I feel like that sort of went into extinction, probably in the Silent Generation. I don’t think many men like that exist in the Boomers and I would be surprised if there are almost any men alive like that who are Millennials or Gen Z, but I feel like that was a real thing in the past. So I don’t think that was discussed in Mad Men. I don’t think that sexuality was ever discussed and honestly I think it’s a point of historical contention and confusion because if Lem was straight, I think there was a huge rift between people who were evolving into something different than that and I don’t think we’ve ever really put it to rest. I don’t think we really have any idea what the argument or the difference really even is. Right? Because like Betty didn’t really just put out but Don really didn’t expect her to either and I think if he had she may have but that was never really even like fleshed out. She was sexually frustrated, but she never really had that discussion, so to speak, onscreen and he never really expected her to be there for him in that way…and the idea seems to be that men in the past didn’t really. And instead they expected women to be like bowls to their soup or something? But I don’t think that’s like accurate and I wonder if Peggy was the only one like that with Pete. But…but only it happened like once or twice and then that was it. Umm…so what really what is this like I want to know more!” says an evolutionary psychologist.

“Honestly, I wonder if I was looking for a woman like that and if I was, is it because of how I was raised…or am I slightly like that myself? Which is interesting…because then it’s nature versus nurture. I am not illegitimate. My parents were very conservative.” says Brian.

“Well…I am like that.” says Lem. “Basically…she’s just…mine.”

“But…you…didn’t have to compete for her.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“I didn’t either. …Some people hate that sort of thing.” says Michael Rockefeller.

“It’s not about the competition. It’s about the sex. The security. The love.” says Louis.

“Why do you hate it, Michael?” asks an NBC journalist.

“It’s…not the point. The point is the relationship after you win. …So why bother competing? You walk in…you get what’s yours and you’re good to go. …The only tragedy is not finding what’s yours.” says Michael.

“That wild.” says the pencil skirt wearing perfume hater, dreamily.

“It is. It requires great emotional and social skill and insight. I had and have that.” says Michael. “Unfortunately not everyone does.”

“We balked when Lacey said she didn’t want to compete in 2016.” says MSNBC.

“Why did you take it the dumbest way possible?!” says Lem.

“Because it sounded weak. Or pretentious. Or maybe just self-important. Like she was imposing.” says Erin.

“And that’s literally what I just said.” says Lem.

Mr. Blue laughs. “Okay! Fine!! We might have channeled you or Michael into the show. But…it was on camera. How does that even matter??!”

“Because…we don’t compete. Which is why you requiring her to compete with the Bat Crew seemed odd to her.” says Lem.

“So…the idea was to have a monogamous relationship right away?!?” asks MSNBC.

“YES!!!” yells Michael.

“But worse case scenario…just…be cool about it?” says Lacey. “Like-“

“No! I get it. I really do. …Basically the idea is privacy. Like…don’t ask and don’t tell until you meet the end. So…break-up or marry. Or go steady. But why pit people against each other?” says Chris Noth.

“I think it might have been something like that.” says Lacey.

“Seriously?!?” says an MSNBC female reporter.

“Why do you care??” asks Lem.

“Because…that’s so… I guess she doesn’t care if she gets hurt?!” asks the MSNBC reporter.

“No. That’s nonsense. People lie. Why bother caring? Unless it’s true love.” says Lacey.

“Because she thought it was true love! She’s a bunny boiler…” Mr. Blue laughs coolly.

“Umm…no. That’s embarrassing.” says Michael. “She was already starting to get over you. In Seattle. Before you told her it was telepathy. Before she heard you at all. …She was ceasing to care! In winter of 2016.”

Shostakovich’s Suite For Jazz Orchestra No. 2 plays.

“That’s not ceasing to care!” says Erin.

“No! It very much is and was!!” explains Lem.

“But…ahh…wasn’t she obsessed with Mark’s dating life?!” asks Erin.

“Yes!! And she married him!!!” yells Michael. “People don’t understand how complicated some people are.”

“So…she didn’t care?! She honestly didn’t care that I was obviously his mistress?!?” asks Batgirl III.

“Okay. She wasn’t obsessed so much as overwhelmed by it. …Umm. She cared. But after you all ruined her birthday in 2016 she was starting to get over him.” says Kitty Kelly. “Why don’t you get it?!?”

“So…untrue!” says MSNBC.