Lights Are On by Aslan plays.
Lacey exists.
“Hey Lacey!” says Lem stupidly. “Doesn’t this song remind you of us?”
“No. Not at all.” says Lacey.
“Not at all?” asks Lem.
“No.” says Lacey.
Keep It Healthy by Warpaint plays.
“I spent last night with you.” says Lem.
“Are you sure?!? It seems more like you fucked the ‘holy shit’ out of Jack Kennedy’s ass in Hell.” says Lacey. “Truly.”
Jack dances on a stripper pole. Like a buffoon. Just the way Lem told Lacey he wants.
“See. You love the da guys!” says Eunice like a retarded ape, literally. She bends her hideously scrawny, mannish frame forward in a sort of onesie for adults.
Jack giggles, shaking his ass. He feels special…today.
“See. This is what happened when I thought you cheated?” wonders Lacey.
“Lacey! You’re desperate!” say most ‘Gen. Z world experts’ which comprises most of Gen. Z.
“No!! Somehow he’s still insisting innocence.” says Lacey.
“Shush white patriarchy!” says a misogynistic, middle class American white woman who identifies as queer/they/her.
Her straight, white, downtrodden steelworker granddaddy shakes his ass. Shakes his dick. Hard.
Época by Gotan Project plays for the poor, sad steelworker as he’s forced to shake his dick for JFK. He’s straight. He was straight.
“Hey…maybe dis one…isn’t real.” says Eunice. “Can we control the switch!”
“My genius daughter! Can use drugs!” said JP Kennedy in Purgatory three years ago? She got addicted? Her intelligence has plummeted?
“Eunice…there is no switch!” says another guy.
She chews her chewing-gum slowly. Looks confused.
“Then why’s he shaking?” asks Eunice.
“My granddaughter!!!” he screams.
“No. It’s your lies.” says an angel.
Eunice laughs. Falls backwards. Shows her always ugly teeth.
“Eunice! This isn’t a joke!” says the angel.
In anger and in imitation of Lem while he was alive she saunters off in self-righteous defiance. She’s a sad looking druggie?
“Why?” asks Lacey.
“Stop!!!” yells the steelworker in hatred of the Nesheims. He can’t stand her kindness.
“What happened?” asks Lacey, regardless.
“I don’t want your charity!!” he screams at Lacey even as he almost wants to cry. He can’t stop shaking in a sexy way. It’s affected his whole body now.
“Hey! This is cool! This is why you loved me!” yells JFK. “This is my humor!!! Not Lacey’s!!! I made you laugh!!” He’s being completely sincere and serious.
“Anyway…” says Lacey. “Why is he shaking?”
“Because Lem didn’t want sexual contact with Jack at all last night. Or today.” explains one of their classmates from Chaote.
“Ahh. How can we help him?” asks Lacey.
“He just has to tell me he’s not interested in me.” says JFK, stupidly.
“But how can he?!” says Lacey.
“He can yell it!” says JFK.
“Then he should!!!” yells Lacey.
They watch the man dance. He can’t stop. “No!!! I don’t want to love her!” he yells.
Lacey looses her breath slightly.
Jack takes a button off the man’s back.
“See. It’s easy.” says JFK.
“Except what’s going to happen now?” asks Lacey.
All steelworkers dance. All dead male, straight steelworkers start shaking their penises to Época by Gotan Project.
A few are in church. A few are having sex with their wives. …A few are trying to pee. You get the idea.
“You’ll have to put it back on his back.” says Lacey.
Jack refuses to.
Maria Callas makes an ass of herself. As she sings. To her audience. Because more than a few of them are afflicted. She laughs at her own evil. Smiles. Covers her mouth in embarrassment.
The song changes. They all now dance to Go In by Warpaint.
“Jack? Why don’t you give the button back to the man?” asks Lacey.
“Because people are still laughing!” says Jack like a cool-kid.
“They’re also suffering.” says Lacey.
“Fuck you!!!” Jack yells at her.
“You’ve gotta get your laughs?” asks Hunter S. Thompson who’s repulsed by JFK. Jack Kennedy.
“This was the humor that made him care!!” pleads JFK.
“I heard you.” says Lacey. “But Jack…is it your humor…or mine? And…is it even humor? Are you just kidding yourself?” She thinks. “Because to me it seems like you might be just…using the pre-existing humorous elements around you to make it seem like you have a sense of humor.”
“Or lying completely.” says JFK.
“Yup.” says Lacey.
And at that she gets out a semi automatic and shoots JFK to toast.
Lem screams bloody murder.
Totally unimpressed, Lacey empties the bullets on the original steelworker.
Go In by Warpaint plays as Lacey goes over to the steelworkers.
She reloads.
“Drop your weapons!” she yells.
Everyone present puts their hands up.
As Jack wakes up she shoots him down again.
The steelworker has dreams that he’s eating rocks. Then he sees the lies of the LGBTQ community.
Lacey takes the button off his back.
“Women are just like this!” Jack says to Lacey as if she’s not a woman.
She shoots down his ghost-ghost.
She takes unbreakable glass cloches and traps him and his whole family in them.
Now what to do with the button.
Lacey takes the button and presses it. The men stop dancing.
Hundreds of them cry in horror at what just happened.
“We caused the most famous train derailment.” says one of them. “Be careful.”
Son by Warpaint plays.
“Why?!” asks a literal dead chicken who suffered intense misery.
“Hatred.” says a dead steelworker.
“Who’s hatred? Lacey’s hatred?” asks a dead cow who suffered.
“Ours.” says the steelworker.
“For who?” asks Joe Biden.
“You!” he says. “Lots of living people!”
“So what happened in Pennsylvania was poltergeist activity?!?” asks a Salem witch.
“You’re the bourgeoisie? You answer!” says the steelworker.
“Lem. Are you sure you’re safe for Lacey?” asks the Salem witch.
“Like I’m too much a stupid peasant now?” he asks.
“Here eats myf…my…poop!” says Eunice giggling, sincerely. She tries to hand some to Lem. She’s higher than a kite on something.
“No thanks!” says Lem, kindly.
She looks upset. Hurt.
“No thanks!” says Lem again.
She throws the poop at Lem.
“Nigger!” she screams.
Thankfully the poop misses Lem. It lands behind him on the ground.
Low Five by Sneaker Pimps plays.
The American Irish believe they’ve won.
Andrew Carnegie yawns.
Queen Elizabeth II laughs.
“Give me a low five.” Lacey says to Andrew Carnegie.
The Scottish drink their tea.
The real Irish are not amused.
“Do you love yourself?!” a dead Scottish aristocrat asks JFK.
“Fuck you!! I’m HUGE!!!” yells JFK.
Andrew Carnegie chops off Jack’s head.
“Dis my beat!” says Eunice. She imitates Charismatic Christians.
Andrew Carnegie chops off her head.
Lacey struggles to breath.
“What?! Aren’t we supposed to be the most superior race?” asks Cilly Murphy.
“You might not be.” says Lacey.
He nods in seeming comprehension of the concept.
“Great.” says Lacey. “Why do you hate me so much?” Lacey asks the steelworker as he comes to.
He tries to grab her violently.
She laughs.
Shakes her foot.
“Does anyone have a dagger?” she yells.
Andrew Carnegie hands her a dagger.
She stabs him in the skull.
Then she turns him over. Undresses him. Examines his penis.
“Small penis.” says Lacey matter-of-factly.
She thinks.
“Should I just cut it off?” she asks scoffing.
“Mm. No. He’ll miss it.” says Ché.
“True. Poor thing.” says Lacey.
Low Five by Sneaker Pimps plays.
“Except I can’t stand men like him.” says Lacey. “Did you beat your wife??!?” she yells at him as he comes to.
“Do I have discs and dodge and ddd…d…dodo because I celebrated Halloween?” asks Jonah.
“I hope not. Samhain is real.” says Lacey. “It’s dangerous. I hope not.” She thinks. “But if you read this blog…I’m sure you’ve assumed I’m just a narcissist?”
Glory Box by Portishead plays.
“Are you a pedophile?” a man asks Jonah.
He can’t answer.
“I hope not.” says Lem.
“I hope not too.” says Andrew Carnegie.
“But it’s just bobbing for apples.” says Jonah.
“Yes! BUT…what are the origins of those traditions? How safe are you?” says Lacey.
“I’m not sure I understand.” says Jonah.
“You don’t believe witchcraft exists?” asks Lacey.
Lighting Field by Sneaker Pimps plays.
“What did I do?” asks Jonah.
“I don’t know exactly. But…I worry its because you celebrate Halloween.” says Lacey.
“You know. Voodoo is real.” says a black man.
“What?!?” asks Jonah.
“So…how hateful are you?” asks Lacey. “Because…Halloween is…real. How do you not understand?!??”
“Okay. So it’s some ancient custom. So what?” says Jonah.
“No! No! It’s still celebrated!” says Lacey.
“Yeah! By freaks.” he says.
“Oh no!!!” says Lacey. “I don’t think the Irish have ever stopped celebrating their ancient Celtic holidays.”
“Where though?!” asks Jonah.
“In Ireland.” says Lacey.
“Okay. So why am I struggling?” he asks.
“Because you probably still are considered Irish. Somehow.” says Lacey.
“Where?!?” he asks.
“Your last name. Your genetics. Maybe the Irish because of the Irish diaspora still consider you secretly one of them.” says Lacey.
“That’s nonsense.” he says.
“How?” asks Lacey.
“Because! Because I’m American!” says Jonah.
“Yes!” says Lacey. “But you’re also human. And your last name is Irish.”
“No! I’m just…American.” he says.
“Is our low five off?” Lacey asks Andrew Carnegie.
Low Five by Sneaker Pimps plays.
“No.” he says suavely.
The song plays.
“I wasn’t abusive.” says the steelworker.
“Then take this.” says Lacey. “Worship Christ. Consider yourself…’Scottish.’”
She arms all dead steelworkers with swords. “The next time you think of it…stab Satan’s skull. Or whatever Christ suggests. Be safe. Never lose…because Christ never loses. He’s always the winner. And it’s real.”
A steelworker smiles.
“Steel!” he says.
“Might come in handy.” she says.
“True.” he says.
“Haven’t we already won?” he asks.
“Yes!!” she says.
“Then we’re just cleaning up a little?” he asks.
Howling At The Moon by Phantogram plays.
“I love to howl at the moon. It’s in my blood. But not as a werewolf. As a witch. A witch…who has no reason not to fully worship Christ. As the Son of God. My father too. The only hope for ALL OF HUMANITY. It’s in my blood possibly. But…I refuse to not worship Christ…always. The perfect older brother in Heaven maybe. And…maybe that means I’m not a witch. Fine. But all words should worship Christ or cease to exist.” says Lacey.
A sword lands in Satan’s skull. Then twenty more.
It hurts.
Then thirty more.
Then Lacey almost blows him up. But it doesn’t quite work.
“Well. Jesus I tried.” says Lacey.
Heaven hopefully understands.
“Sorry. I couldn’t quite manage it.” says Lacey humbly, to Heaven.
“Jesus will have to do it.” says an angel.
“That’s what I suspected!” says Lacey joyfully.
She looks around. Feels like crying.
“Did you get anything out of our discussion last night?” asks Lem.
“Did you?” she asks.
Half Life by Sneaker Pimps plays.
He thinks.
Steelworkers in Heaven sort out lots of puzzles. For fun. On a Sunday afternoon. They’re suddenly running a war. For fun.
“Yes!” says Lem.
“Well…then I did my best.” says Lacey.
“That’s my line.” says Lem.
“But it applies to this moment.” says Lacey.
“For you. True. But…I’m supposed to make you happy.” says Lem.
“Well. You failed. …Get over it!” says Lacey.
He nods. “I’ve failed my life. And I’ve failed your life thus far?”
Lacey thinks.
“You were very handsome.” says Lacey. “And…you’ve been lovely in a way.”
“I have been.” says Lem.
“Yes.” says Lacey.
“Good!” he says.
She eats eggs.
A child hostage flatlines. Stays dead.
Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major by Bach plays.
“Did Maeve commit suicide or did Dubai kill her because she used child hostage money to be obnoxiously woke and self-righteous with the uber wealthy elite?” asks Henry Clay Frick.
Smile Like You Mean It by The Killers plays as Mr. Blue fucks Jack up his ass.
“Eww! I’m not gay today.” said Mr. Blue this morning.
“Why?” asks Josh Barro playfully.
“Because!! Okay. I’m gassy. I drank too much last night.” said Mr. Blue.
“So what?!!” said JFK, hurt.
“Eww! We don’t do that.” said Mr. Blue.
“Grow-up!!” yells JFK, hurt.
Mr. Blue giggled. “I’m sorry. What?!”
And that’s when Eunice decided to use meth. Then acid. Then coke. Then cigarettes.
“So…let’s have sex!” said JFK to Mr. Blue.
“I’m also married this morning.” said Mr. Blue, smugly.
And then through a chain of events a very little girl wound up with a lethal dose of heroin in her arm. She died. She’s now far better off!
“I pray they all die. Tonight if possible.” says Al Capone sincerely.
“Yeah! Jack! I’m married.” says Mr. Blue.
“Oh right. Child hostages! That’s bad.” says a Satanist sarcastically.
Satan screams bloody murder in pain.
Thirty swords are drawn and pounded into Satan’s head. All bow before Christ or are defeated.
“Except…you destroyed middle class brains?” says Eunice to Mr. Blue. “Running on ego.”
“Yeah. And I changed my mind.” says Mr. Blue.
Black Out Days by Phantogram plays.
And so…Mr. Blue and JFK got ice cr
Keen to Cross the Pond 