Stunner

Stunner by Milky Chance plays.

(Adult content below)

Mr. Blue walks down the street shaking his ass like Marilyn Monroe.

“Hey hot stuff!” says JFK.

Mr. Blue turns around. “Oh my gosh! You’re such a ham!”

“I’m a man.” says JFK.

“You’re not that sexy.” says Mr. Blue.

“Yeah! Whatever. I’m just trying to be kind.” says JFK.

“Kind?!?” asks Mr. Blue, offended.

Is It True by Tame Impala plays.

An hour or two later…Mr. Blue is fucking JFK up the ass as his legs flail up into the air in imitation of a woman. The homosexual version of missionary style.

“We only have a cock and a butthole.” says a gay star.

“And we only have vaginas.” says Ché.

“You have mouths!” says Lem. “And hands.”

“True.” says Ché. “Did you mean lesbians…or gay men?”

“I meant gay men. But…to be honest…subconsciously…I was thinking about vaginas.” says Lem.

“Okay!” says Ché.

“That’s okay.” says a gay star. “You know buttholes on women aren’t as sexy.”

“Why? Because they don’t shit as much?” asks Lem.

And…just like that…Eunice vomits from eating poop.

“See…are you sure female buttholes aren’t as sexy?” asks a lesbian.

“Yes! Because they aren’t as connected to the vagina as our buttholes are to the penis.” says a gay man.

“Does that matter?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!!” scream all living gay men.

“Why?” asks Michael.

“Because men can get us off more.” says the gay man.

“That’s not true.” says Lem. “That’s…a complete lie.”

“So then what’s the point of gay sex? It’s loser sex compared to heterosexual sex.” says Michael. “Come on. It’s true.”

“It’s not to win.” says Lacey.

“I agree, says Andrew Carnegie.” says Andrew Carnegie.

“You don’t have opinions on gay sex.” says a living man.

“Why wouldn’t I?” asks Andrew Carnegie.

“Because that’s…sex. That’s our thing.” says a Gen. Z guy.

“No. It’s human.” says Andrew Carnegie.

Old Money by Lana Del Rey plays for Eunice Kennedy Shriver as she cries. She searches her room for a drug. She can’t find one.

“Huh. That’s sad.” says Lacey, bored.

Gilded Lily by Cults plays.

“We can’t keep fighting?” says Lacey to God.

“No. You give to ma pussy!” says all ugly, hateful women to Lacey.

“On what grounds?” asks Lacey. She ties a noose around their necks, beats they’re faces in.

The song plays.

“Shall I include all gay men or just Jack?” asks Lacey.

“All gay men?” says Mr. Blue with confidence, arrogance and disdain.

“Okay.” says Lacey. She puts all gay men in nooses. They’re trapped. But she doesn’t beat their faces in. Jack laughs.

“I’m not gay!” says JFK laughing with a noose around his neck. “But thanks guys for helping!”

“Cool.” says Lacey. “Stay there until all my kids are dead and in Heaven for eternity or until you repent for eternity…or until…you’re dead?” Lacey asks God.

“Women are stupid.” says Sarah Jessica Parker in every episode. “All you have to do to be a woman is be an idiot.”

“Women are sometimes stupid.” says Lem. “Lacey’s stupid all the time.”

“But she’s kicking the ass of all Kennedys.” says a black male Satanist in genuine confusion. They’re just making an observation.

“Lem. Does she marry Bill Gates?” asks Sarah Jessica Parker.

He laughs. “No. But I see what you’re saying.”

“I’m gay because I think I am or am in love with my husband.” says a living gay man.

“What do you make of Jack?” asks Andrew Carnegie.

“Umm. What about him?” asks the gay man.

“Do you think he’s evil?” asks Andrew Carnegie.

“Yeah. Isn’t that sad?” says the gay man. “You know…our sex probably is inferior.”

“It is.” says Andrew Carnegie. “Do you still want to be gay?”

“Well maybe in Heaven my husband and I will be straight. And that’s good. If that’s how God made it. But…for now…no. I don’t care.” he says. He thinks. “If there’s a woman I could love…I’ve never met her.”

“So. In Heaven you’ll be gay or straight?” asks Andrew Carnegie.

“If that’s what’s best.” says the gay man. “Whatever God wants.”

“You’re a Christian?” asks Andrew Carnegie.

“Yes!” he says.

“Good. Then hopefully I’ll see you in Heaven.” says Andrew Carnegie.

Silence.

“Would you kill Jack?” asks Andrew Carnegie.

“For what reason?” asks a gay man.

“To defend children.” says Andrew Carnegie.

“Yes.” says the gay man.

“That’s good.” says Andrew Carnegie.

“No you wouldn’t! Bros before EVERYTHING!” says JFK. He fist bumps in the air.

And at that the gay man shoots JFK in the face. Right on the nose. Literally.

“It’s a nose job.” he says. He giggles.

Then he turns around.

“How long will it take to die from that?” asks Andrew Carnegie.

“He should be dead right now.” says the gay man.

Andrew Carnegie looks and notices that Jack is dead.

“Interesting choice.” says Andrew Carnegie.

The gay man shrugs.

“Are they targeting Christians yet?” he asks Andrew Carnegie.

“No. And yes.” says Andrew Carnegie.

“Thanks for the warning.” he says.

“You’ve got to be going?” asks Andrew Carnegie.

He laughs. “Listen…you’re hot. And I’m married. And you’re probably also straight. And honestly…I love my husband. I just don’t want to do anything stupid.” he says laughing. “I’m probably safe. But we’ve been married for 30 years! And…you’re Andrew Carnegie!” says the gay man. “Look. It’s just-I’m a history buff.”

“Happens all the time.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“Huh. Yeah. See…now I feel stupid. Because you’re clearly straight. And I’m…really not like that.” he says.

“Do you exist?! All gay men are pieces of fucking shit!!! Including my damn brother!” yells Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

“God knows.” says Lacey.

“It’s okay. I’m not interested. You’re not either. It got weird because I’m kind of a big deal.” says Andrew Carnegie.

“Yeah. Wow!” says the gay man. “Hey. Nice meeting you!” Then the gay who might exist…buttons of up Barbour jacket…puts his wallet in his pocket…and feels…happy. He was sitting at a bar just thinking…and drinking a beer. A nice, historic bar. Watching sports. He walks out the door…and down the street to meet his husband for dinner. Sometimes they like moments alone. God will improve them regardless, Lord willing. God knows all.

….

“Why have you made homosexuality the keystone?” asks Pat Robertson. “Is that safe? What if there are some Christian gay men who have a problem and they don’t want to stop worshiping Christ? Do they exist or not?” He thinks. “Did I account for them or not?!?”

…

And at that Mr. Blue throws Jack Kennedy’s legs up in the air and makes him come, giving him a hand job while fucking him up the ass. They kiss as well.

“Now me!” says JFK.

One Piece At A Time by Johnny Cash who sounds bisexual plays. He does. He sounds bisexual. Johnny Cash sounds bisexual.

JFK throws his penis in Mr. Blue’s asshole.

“He likes that.” says Mrs. Blue.

Jack is rough. They go at it for a while.

Eventually Mr. Blue orgasms.

So does Jack.

They both orgasm to the sounds of Johnny Cash.

By the time the gay man from before is eating dinner…they’re done.

“I want to marry you now. Don’t take it personally.” JFK says to Mr. Blue.

And like meek…sweet little idiots because they’ll never marry…they cuddle.

Ring of Fire plays.

They stare out a window in unison. Looking like idiots.

The song plays on.

And on.

“Do you relate to this song?” asks Lem of Lacey.

“No. It’s totally foreign.” says Lacey.

“You don’t think love is fire?” asks Lem.

“No. Not at all.” says Lacey. She thinks. “Oh! Your love is like a fire?”

“Yes!” he says.

“Mmm…okay.” she says, annoyed.

“You think it’s stupid?” he asks.

“Men are so pathetic.” says Lacey. “Women are too but not as much. They don’t lie as often.”

He cries bitterly. “How?”

“Men lie that they exist. They’re often just useless worms.” says Lacey, very scientifically.

“Useless worms! Not all men.” says a worms.

“And you’re completely straight.” says Johnny Cash to Lacey.

“Completely.” says Lacey.

“And you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” says Johnny Cash.

“Great.” says Lacey. “Sorry. You’re trying to be nice. I’ll pray for you.” says Lacey.

“Gee whiz Jack. Is your daddy Al Capone?” asks a dead gay man of JFK.

Sixteen Tons by Tennessee Ernie Ford plays.

Lacey dances in her seat.

“Yeah.” says JFK.

“No. He’s not.” says the dead gay man.

“Yeah. He is!!” says JFK.

“No. Your father is Joe Kennedy Sr..” says JFK.

“No. He’s Al Capone.” says JFK.

“No. He’s not.” says the dead gay man.

“No. We’re wealthier than the Rockefeller’s and the British Royal Family. I’m…kind of a prince.” says JFK.

“But your father is Al Capone.” says the gay man.

“Yeah. The Queen Mother is my mother.” says JFK.

“Honey. Don’t worry about it.” says Mr. Blue. “I’ll figure it out.”

“Okay!” says JFK crying.

Who’ll Stop The Rain by Creedance Clearwater Revival plays.

“I sure do plan a New Deal!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. rocking his head.

“Wrapped in golden chains?” asks Lacey.

“Yup! Gold for everyone!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. without any irony of humor.

“Like a gift box?” asks a Seay.

“Yes!” says Cheryl Hines.

“That’s a great analogy.” says Bobby.

“Cool!” says JFK.

Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean who also sounds bisexual plays. Jimmy Dean also sounds very bisexual.

Pat Robertson laughs. “He does!”

Big Iron by Marty Robbins plays. He’s sounds possibly bisexual or no…just bisexual.

Pat Robertson nods.

“My goodness.” says Lacey. “Did people notice this or not?”

“Are you two friends?” asks Lem.

“I think so.” says Pat Robertson.

“Did they?” asks Lacey.

“Not necessarily.” says Pat Robertson.

American Beauty by Thomas Newman plays.

“That’s extremely upsetting.” says Lacey.

“It is! They lied.” says Pat Robertson.

“American Beauty was supposed to be the truth.” says Lacey.

“Maybe. But…nobody likes a happy ending.” he says.

“Not that kind. Why?!? I do. It’s Heaven.” says Lacey.

“It is! They don’t…hear it.” he says.

“Isn’t there pedophilia in that film?” asks Nancy.

“No. It’s not. It’s…a teenager. Who’s almost 18. And dresses like a woman.” says Casi.

“Isn’t that pedophilia?” asks Nancy.

“No. Not really.” says Casi.

“Yeah. 16 is a big deal in Hispanic culture.” says a witch.

“Okay? That’s confusing.” says Nancy.

American Beauty plays again.

“I’m devastated.” says Lem.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because you slept with Michael.” says Lem.

“That’s what we talked about until 4 in the morning today.” says Lacey.

“I’m still sad.” he says gloomily.

“Oh dear.” says Lacey.

“Fix it!” he says demandingly.

“I worry…I can’t.” says Lacey.

Lem laughs. “I don’t care. I want it now.”

“Then I think we might have to end our relationship. I’m at a loss.” says Lacey.

“Jack told me that women always have a way to fix things in relationships.” says Lem.

“Well…maybe there’s some truth to that.” says Lacey pleasantly.

And at that Jack jumps on Lacey to try to rape her. She resists and he bounces off of her and flies into the air.

Lem is devastated.

“Are we through?” asks Lacey.

His smile drops. “No.” he says quietly.

“Well. I can’t fix it.” says Lacey.

Tonight a little girl who might have been a child hostage is eating pizza in Heaven with angels. And the other kids are happy and normal too. ?

“Rock on cool kid!” says a dead Flint, Michigan woman who wasn’t a pedophile. She means it innocently. She’s just proud of this kid. They have a lot to celebrate in Heaven.

“So it’s nice to be dead.” says a celebrity.

“Well…when you worship Satan…Earth becomes like Hell.” says another dead Flint, Michigan woman.

“I think…you cheated.” says Lem to Lacey.

“How?” asks Lacey.

“Because you…were with Joe.” he says.

Lacey laughs.

“No. I thought we were…married.” he says.

She looks serious. “When?”

“When we started talking to each other.” he says.

“Mm. Well. That’s not traditional.” says Lacey to explain.

“True.” says Lem.

“So what right do you have to be angry?” asks Lacey.

He cries. Then smirks. “Okay.”

“No! What right?!?” asks Lacey.

“I love you.” he says.

She thinks. “I’m sorry. I don’t get it.”

He laughs.

She waits.

He cries. “You’re supposed to have love.”

“I did.” she says.

“Then why did you sleep with anyone else?!?” he asks.

“Because you never indicated interest of that sort.” says Lacey.

“I’m sorry.” says Lem to Lacey.

“And we’re through?” asks Lacey.

He gets angry. “NO!!!” he yells not at Lacey.

Lacey listens.

“No.” he says laughing.

Lacey listens.

“No, baby…I’m sorry.” he says.

“I didn’t know. And that’s a problem. Obviously. Beyond that…it hurt.” says Lacey.

He looks grim. “So I devastated you?”

“Most men have.” says Lacey calmly.

Michael Rockefeller screams.

“The thing is…you seemed…lovely. Even if hurtful. Kind of like Harold Loeb.” says Lacey.

“I assumed too much.” says Lem.

Lacey thinks.

“I assumed we were married.” says Lem.

“But that’s not traditional.” says Lacey.

“What if it’s what I assumed?” says Lem.

“Why?!” asks Lacey.

“I was thinking of my ideal. Because that’s our ideal. And I didn’t think it through.” he says.

“That’s hard to believe.” says Lacey.

“So…we’re married.” he says.

“What do you mean by that?” she asks.

“We’re together for eternity.” he says.

“Yeah right!” she says, skeptically.

“No. We are.” he says.

“Are you lying?” she asks.

“No.” he says.

“Are you mocking me?” she asks.

“No.” he says.

“What’s your angle?” asks Lacey.

“Is this where they kiss?!?” sincerely asks JFK like a man with a severe learning disability.

Elliott Roosevelt tries not to laugh at JFK.

Holiday House by Beach House plays.

“No!!” yells Lem.

“What’s your angle?” asks Lacey.

“My angle is to get you in bed.” says Lem.

“As your wife?” asks Lacey.

“More than that.” he says.

“Alright.” says Lacey. “What’s the catch?”

“There’s no catch.” says Lem.

“We’ll see.” says Lacey. She smiles politely, lovingly.

Moments later.

“Will you marry me?” he asks.

“What?” she asks.

“Will you marry me? I’m asking, humbly.” he says.

“What a bizarre question.” says Lacey.

“But you don’t know.” he says.

“That doesn’t matter to you.” she says.

I’ll Be With You In Apple Blossom Time by Jo Stafford plays.

“I thought you knew.” he says.

“You should know by now.” she says.

“I do. I figured it out. They silenced me.” he says.

“Well…that’s…what it is then.” says Lacey.

“So will you or not?” he asks.

“Stop mocking me.” she says.

Autumn Leaves by Jo Stafford plays.

“This music is bullshit to me.” says Louis.

“It’s my heart. All of it.” says Lem in horror. “Listen, Lacey…you’re missing the point. You don’t know.”

“Stop being mean.” says Lacey.

Louis laughs.

It Could Happen To You by Jo Stafford plays.

“You don’t understand.” says Lem.

“No. You’re mocking me.” says Lacey to explain.

“No. You’re mocking me.” says Lem.

Lacey laughs.

“No. I care. I just haven’t been heard by you.” he says.

“And that’s my fault?!” says Lacey.

He cries.

You Belong To Me by Jo Stafford plays.

“No!!” he says.

“But you always insist it’s my fault!” says Lacey.

And at that Lem vomits. It’s cleaned quickly.

“I don’t mean to!” he says.

Lacey prepares to walk-off.

“Wait. I’m not mocking you!” he says.

“That’s what you say.” says Lacey.

“Dear God!!!” says Lem with desire for Lacey.

She listens.

“I’m not mocking you!!” says Lem. “I promise!!”

Caribbean Time by Nellie McKay plays.

Lacey checks with God. “Let me think.” she says. “Listen…are there any gimmicks? Like are you going to cheat?”

“No.” he says.

“How long is this offer standing?” asks Lacey.

“Forever.” says Lem.

“Yeah right.” says Lacey.

“No gimmicks. Totally on the level.” says Lem.

“Okay. But it’s on your word of honor.” says Lacey.

Moments later.

“Honey…sit next to me.” says Lem.

“Are we married?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Lem.

“But you never asked.” says Lacey.

“I don’t think I really have.” he says.

“But you just did.” says Lacey.

“Yes!” says Lem laughing.

“Yes?” says Lacey.

“You’re married to me.” says Lem.

“Yes! Or am I?” says Lacey.

“You are.” says Lem.

“How?!” asks Lacey.

“We had sex.” says Lem.

“So I don’t get loved? Just marriage?” asks Lacey.

Lem stares at her.

“No!! We had sex because we fell in love.” says Lem.

“And when were we married?” asks Lacey.

Lem smiles. “The second I touched you.”

“When did I consent?” asks Lacey.

“When you opened your mouth and let me inside with mine.” says Lem.

“Why does it count with you nobody else?” asks Lacey.

Fall In Love by Phantogram plays.

“You’re right. It’s a mess. Because you can’t be expected to be Jack.” says Lem.

Later.

“I’m sorry but we’re on Holocaust mode with the kids.” says a tired psychic.

“We’re going to keep them as children…in Heaven. No more Hell on Earth.” says the other psychic.

“I’ve killed thousands!” says Putin.

A Salem witch is in shock.

“So no more Balenciaga parties. Just…Heaven.” says a black wizard. “Nah!! I’ve seen ghosts literally move furniture. They’re likely better off.”

“Does Lacey think she’s sees them pass?” asks the Salem witch.

“Mostly!! Yes.” says Putin.

“Okay. So there’s kids living through a Holocaust essentially. And you’re just pulling the trigger to prevent their continued suffering.” says the witch.

And at that snakes dance with Lacey.

“If we’re not evil in Heaven let’s be friends.” says a huge snake to Lacey.

“If you don’t eat me…or my children…that’s fun.” says Lacey. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re doing your best.” she says to Lacey as a mother.

“I’m desperate.” says Lacey.

“If I’m not evil in Heaven we’re friends.” says the snake if she’s in Heaven.

“So…we’re married.” says Lem.

“When did I consent?” asks Lacey.

“When you let me take you.” says Lem.

“You wanted to take me?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” he says.

“Really?” asks Lacey.

“Yes I did and do.” says Lem.

“Forever?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Then what’s going on?” asks Lacey of Lem.

“We’re married.” says Lem.

“Why…do you count?” asks Lacey.

“Because I decided that I do. And what we did was different.” says Lem.

“How was it different?” asks Lacey.

“Because I say so.” says Lem.

Lacey thinks. “How was it different?”

“Because I possess you.” says Lem. “Not like a demon. I…conquer you. Every last particle.”

“Conquer? I’m not trying to be evil. Are you?” says Lacey.

“No. Conquer is a shoddy word. …But it’s my best attempt right now.” says Lem.

“Alright. So…you’ve already conquered me?” says Lacey.

“Yes. Almost.” he says. “You know…I have.”

“But you don’t love me.” says Lacey. “Michael seems to love me. Louis does too. Why don’t you understand? You broke my heart first.”

More later.

“Life is a joke to you.” says Lem.

“My life is.” says Lacey.

“But you’re not.” says Lem.

“Are you mocking me?” asks Lacey.

Later.

“Let’s go to bed.” says Lem.