Ruining the Algorithm

Mr. Blue ruined the Instagram algorithm.

“Jonah is old money!” said Jenna Bush in 2022.

Except Jonah is far from old money.

“I don’t think you understand or the Bush family isn’t real old money.” says Lacey.

“Why does it matter?” asks Chris Hayes.

“Are you fucking Jenna Bush?” asks Sheilah Graham.

“Is that how you own us??” asks Lem.

“They went to Yale!” says Louis Hill Jr. sarcastically.

“And they’re known for their political power. What else?” asks Lacey.

“They are old money but not like us.” says Gunhild Nesheim.

“Why did you say that to her?!” says Pat Wilson to Jenna Bush.

“To make fun of her. And sound snobby.” says Erin Murphy. “So insecure.”

“It is insecure. I hope it wasn’t her who said it.” says Lem. “Because that’s really bad news for that whole family.”

“Yeah. I’m definitely not old money.” says Jonah.

“You totally eat bad!” says Lacey to him. “How many years have you been eating out?”

“Five years?” he says.

“Yeah. They add an enormous amount of sweetener to their food. And other additives.” says Lacey. “Unless you’re under God’s grace for some specific reason or you are extremely careful what you order you’re going to do harm.”

“What was I supposed to do?” says Jonah.

“Be very careful.” says Lacey.

“You tend to assume the world is better than it is?” says Lem to Jonah. “That’s not normal anymore. It’s a sign of some sort of vulnerability.”

“Doesn’t Lacey?!” says Chris Hayes.

“She’s not old money, Chris! You are!” says Lem, sarcastically.

“Umm…no. I’m not.” says Chris Hayes.

“Then you’re really not.” says Lem.

“So they’re poisoning us?!” says Jonah.

“That’s not a great way to put it.” says Michael. “They’re far too greedy!”

“See! That’s what Lacey sounds like all the time.” says Erin Gloria Ryan. “Right? And she makes white trash mistakes in her grammar too. Like taken back instead of taken aback.”

“No. I never usually make must she’s like that.” says Lacey.

“She makes mistakes for a reason!” says Lem. “He does not.”

“True. Would anyone in her family ever get sick like me?” asks Jonah.

“No.” says Joni.

“Yeah. And they wouldn’t marry someone like me usually either!” says Jonah confrontationally.

Silence.

“Why would you say that I was old money? That’s so stupid! …You totally set her up to make an ass of herself one way or another. Didn’t you??” says Jonah.

“But I mean…eating well is…not old money.” says Jenna Bush.

“Oh yes it is!” says the Sons of Norway. “Norwegians are rich. And they tend to eat well. But…eating carefully is definitely old money.”

“What the heck? How careful do you guys eat???!” asks Jonah.

“Extremely carefully.” says Lem.

“Her husband isn’t as careful and she’s literally too tired to argue with him.” says Michael. “Don’t try to attack her with that. You’ll lose.”

“Nah! We eat them good stuff!” says the Vice President of the US, mockingly of evil. “My Indian family understands the importance of eating carefully.”

“It’s religious?” asks Jenna Bush.

The US Vice President stares at her like she’s being crazy or idiotic.

“I was obsessed with food safety.” says Tonette Nesheim.

“I wrote long letters about to everyone!” says Ed Nesheim. “About it. See that! That’s the kind of mistake she makes.”

“Yeah! But she’s leaving out a whole word!” protests Dmitry.

“Because she’s so excited and is typing too fast! That’s nit trashy.” says Ed Nesheim.

“Why do you abandon your syntax?!” asks Jeb Bush.

“I don’t.” says Ed. “How much money do you have? Why the long faces?”

“We decided to protect Mr. Blue far too much!” says the dead George Bush.

“We’re still wondering if you all are just trying to sacrifice her family.” says the CIA.

“Why is Jenna so hostile?” asks Lem. “Because she thinks she’s the epitome of old money and Lacey is far more beautiful than her. Is she better bred too?”

“Do you hear our ‘stupidity’? That’s rage.” says Ed Nesheim.

“Her rage is dumb and narcissistic!” says a daughter of a soap opera star who has thin hair is probably in love with her own face and thinks she’s superior to everyone. She’s a shrill, bitchy, know-it-all comedian. In her white, privileged life…she loves to rail on upper class California women using an annoying nasal voice that supposedly ‘is how they sound’.

Lazuli by Beach House.

“Okay! Then be less angry! Or you’re poor!” the Days of Our Lives daughter yells at Lacey.

“That’s stupid.” says Lem to Jenna Bush. “That’s a pretentious person trying desperately to be old money.”

“My dad was a huge sexy soap star!” says the woman who believes she’s such a victim of white California women.

“Why do you say ‘California women’?” asks the cool-kid, ‘always-on’ comedian.

“You’re so abusive to your followers?” says Lem. “You source people to narcissistically mock based on who follows you?”

“Yeah! That’s the way we do!” says Ché.

“We’re definitely not old money!” the comedian’s father says. “Why did you pick out Lacey to attack if you did? That was so stupid!”

“I set up lots of people using demonic weapons in the Illuminati to notice her.” says Mr. Blue.

“So you literally are so obsessed with Lacey that you used your Illuminati privileges and privacy to get people to notice her abnormally?” asks Dmitry of Mr. Blue.

“I say ‘California women’ to abbreviate women who live in California.” says Lacey.

The comedian scoffs. “I’m referring to super specific women who live in California.”

“I’m not interested in her! I rejected her!” says Mr. Blue.

“What does that have to do with your obsession?” asks Dmitry.

“I’m not obsessed because I rejected her. It’s a logical fallacy.” says Mr. Blue, sincerely.

“I don’t try to abbreviate them.” says the comedian self-righteously.

“You also feed them things to say! So she thinks they’re noticing her. And that’s crazy making.” says CIA to Mr. Blue.

“Bless your hearts! So what if he’s a white trash, misogynistic asshole?! So what if he’s trashy and incredibly abusive?!?” says an extremely frigid, queer (straight identifying) effeminate (red pill male) ‘tech bro.’

The ‘tech bro’ community in the Illuminati and Mr. Blue shake their ugly asses to Optimistic by Radiohead.

“I drive a Bugatti and eat cool-kid stuff!” says the ‘tech bro.’

“That’s the photo that pissed me off.” says the comedian who’s still super self-righteous.

“Why?” asks her father.

“Because she thinks she’s pretty. She ugly as fuck!” says the comedian.

“Actually she is far prettier in person. And…she’s wearing braces for the second time in that photo.” says Lem. “You all can tell she’s not photogenic. And you lie about it.”

“I changed lie to like. But he fixed it! Loser!” says a ‘tech bro.’

“Okay. So she’s a ten. I’m still extremely superior!” say most living Millennials.

“We’re not old money.” says the comedian’s father.

“Yeah right! We rock!” says the comedian.

“So what! I made people notice who aren’t supposed to. And I made people ignore her who aren’t supposed to.” says Mr. Blue.

“You ruined the algorithm.” says Mark Zuckerberg to Mr. Blue.

“How?!?” asks a ‘tech bro.”

“Yeah! That’s scientifically impossible!” says another ‘tech bro.’

“Is a demon trying to manifest on camera?” asks Casi.

“Yes and no. Her face is very contorted on camera. So was Zelda’s face. It’s a thing.” says Lem.

“See! I flustered you! I do win!!” yells Mr. Blue.

“How does flustering her make you win?” asks Lem.

“Because then you make mistakes!” says Chris Hayes.

“And eventually things fall apart if you’re of evil intent.” says Satan. “I mean…I’m a huge fan of Satanism…obviously. But…it’s…well…”

“Can you not legally admit you’ve lost?” a psychic asks Satan.

Satan decides to plead the Fifth, so to speak.

“Your rules?” asks the psychic.

“Yeah.” says Satan. “Mostly. I mean…I’m not God. But…I’m responsible, let’s be honest.”

“You’re not that serious. Are you?” asks the comedian.

“No!! Of course not. She’s a schizophrenic liar.” says Mr. Blue sarcastically via telepathy to the comedian.

“I mean it’s weird that she realized it was her. But like…I guess she’s almost as smart as me.” says the comedian. “People like her lack so much self-awareness.”

“I thought it was selfishness.” says Michael Douglas.

“No. That’s gross and old fashioned.” says the comedian like a narcissistic bimbo masquerading as a rich, old money comedienne. “I do comedy!”

“You do comedy?!” says Krystal.

“Yes!” says the Days of Our Seconds star’s daughter.

“What about Moments of Our Lives?” says Casi.

“That’s the same thing.” says Lem. “Lacey’s criticism works. Yours doesn’t because you’re not as well educated or intelligent.”

Krystal nods. She’s repulsed.

“Krystal is your cousin? She’s white trash too. But I bet she’s the Electoral College vote. And I bet she’s an Olympic skier practically. And she’s super West Coast. She grew-up in Seattle. Is independently wealthy. Has money from her grandparents. Has a high IQ. Is involved in tons of charities or social activities like ballet. …Is multilingual. Looks like a liberal Anne Coulter…and…is…rebellious. And has a perfect SAT score.” says the comedienne.

“Chris. You do realize that if Mr. Blue’s attacks don’t phase Lacey she’s likely not…being affected?” asks a Millennial who bullied her in high school. “She’s tough to bully. We-we’re obsessed too. It’s difficult. She’s too tough.”

“Yeah. But then he believes they’re working.” says Chris Hayes.

“Why?” asks the group of school bullies.

“How many of there were you? That sounds elite! How scary to my ego.” says David in Scotland, sincerely. “Actually…that’s not true. I meant it lovingly. And she’s a narcissist so she took the wrong way.”

“You’re the narcissist!” yells Casi at David in Scotland.

The US Vice President laughs. She watches as the old British Empire rises again. She watches as it flies around, picking-up pieces around the globe and reordering everything. It amuses her. It sends her into a state of wonder.

“Why are we doing this?” wonders Lacey in 2017. “We?”

“She’s right. It’s creepy!” says Pat Wilson.

“I almost feel like by being so secret and private her family was protecting us. And it went too far.” says a reader.

“Yeah! But they’re white trash.” says the comedienne.

“How is the perfume who you described white trash?” asks the reader. “And duh! She’s extremely serious. That’s just her, at this point. Maybe always to some degree.”

“She’s not been allowed to be truly silly. Ever.” says Thomas Banks. “If she’s my daughter…we let her be silly. But she had to leave us, or so I thought.”

“She’s never been allowed to be silly?” asks for comedienne.

“No! That makes us abusive or angry.” says Jim Craft, sincerely.

“Oh my gosh! JFK is so sexy! Look at him being silly! I can see why Lem loves him.” says the Illuminati regularly, weekly for years the second they figure out she’s in love with Lem.

“I hate him! Truly. He’s a terrible person.” says Lem. Hearing that scares Lacey. She hesitates to write it.

“You’re hesitating to write it.” says the Illuminati. “Must mean that JFK wins!”

“Why are you protecting a man who is impersonating you and endangering your safety?” the IRS asks Mr. Blue.

Vladimir Putin scoffs.

“She’s white trash because she’s not fucking a car.” says the conedienne, sincerely.

“Like for real?” asks Jonah.

Stolen Dance plays as Mr. Blue takes to a stripper pole. In jeans. Polo shirt. He spins. Marches in his blue jeans. Quickly shakes his ass. Claps his hands. Marches. Spins.

“Do you realize you’re marching?” asks Jeb Bush.

“No. It’s…not marching.” says Mr. Blue. Trying to sexual he slightly shakes his crotch awkwardly.

“What is it?” asks the CIA.

“It’s…dancing.” says Mr. Blue.

“No. It’s not. You look dumb.” says Lem.

“It’s sexier than you’ll ever be!” yells Chris Hayes.

“Yeah! We protect Mr. Blue because he’s a day-crosser.” says Kate Shaw-Hayes.

“He’s a day-crosser?!” asks the comedienne.

“Yes! Mr. Diego Blue is from Mexico. He’s a dreamer too.” she laughs. “We met Diego Blue in Cancún. On vacation in 2016. He’s my husband’s body double. I’m not a Latino-I mean my husband isn’t Latino. But Diego is.”

Jenna Bush yawns. “So why do you need a body double for your MSNBC show?”

“Because he gets sleepy?” says Kate Shaw-Hayes.

“Yeah. Some nights I like to take naps. Go on vacation. If people see me on camera…it looks like I’m there. In New York. But really…I might be in Cancún.” says Chris Hayes.

“How long have you been taking off Mondays?” asks Krystal.

“Years. I hate working now. It’s boring.” says Chris Hayes. “Have you read my books?”

“No.” says Krystal. “I’m aware of them though.”

“Why not read them?” asks Casi.

“Because they’re pop-culture-intellectual-rubbish.” says Lacey. “Likely written by a ghost writer.”

“You write too?” Krystal asks Diego Blue.

“Yes!” says Diego Blue. He’s very close to Chris Hayes. Too close?

“He he is Chris Hayes! Just say it!” says Casi. “Hey get murdered! You don’t mess with married men in his position! Not when you’re a piece of shit.”

“That’s absurd!” says a fan from 2016 who sent boobs photos publicly on Instagram to Chris Hayes. “I’m Crystal too. But I am white trash. Angelina Jolie is my queen. Remember?”

“Oh yeah! We all thought Lacey was like you. If we even talked about her at all. We probably didn’t. Right? But…yeah. We noticed you. You were so desperate!” says Erin Gloria Ryan.

“I was. I wanted him to fuck me!” says Crystal.

Chris Hayes blushes.

“So Lacey isn’t sexually repressed and gay?!” asks Lucy Barnhouse.

“Like you?” asks Chris Dodds. “She wasn’t sexually experienced but she was definitely straight. For real.”

“No.” says Lucy.

“No. Lacey is and was straight.” says Maggie Lake. “I literally confused her. But really…my vagina was a deal breaker. Like…complete turn off.”

“Your vagina was…unspeakably gross to her as a real straight woman.” says Lem. “As in, she’s a real straight woman. See. You’re not. She is. You’re not heterosexual. She is heterosexual.”

“So she’s a super feminine, petite, sexy straight woman! Those are impossible! Especially beautiful old money.” says titled Brit. “Actually, that is rare in the US. But…not impossible. And that’s important to note.”

“So like…it is impossible?” asks Mr. Diego Blue.

“Yes! It is impossible!” says Nancy Nieves.

“No. It’s not.” says Krystal.

“You guys! Nancy said it was impossible!” says Mr. Diego Blue.

“You guys! This is where Lacey can’t believe it’s schizophrenia.” says a Latino man.

“Why?” asks Nancy.

“Because! It’s illogical.” says the Latino man.

“How?” asks Nancy.

“I think we’re getting off course.” says Erin Glory’s Ryan.

“How, hot stuff?” asks the Latino man.

Erin Gloria Ryan giggles. “You’re so hot!”

“No. I’m married. But thanks.” says the Latino.

Erin smiles with her teeth as an apology.

“Did you just kiss his ass?” asks Crystal.

“No. What?!” asks Erin, acting mystified.

“You know…Michael and Lem are both unusual looking for Americans. Scott is and isn’t. Zelda is and isn’t. But Lem is…peculiar for an American. But he existed too.” says Crystal.

“Yeah. Exactly.” says a titled Brit. “In America they look different.”

“Fine. Okay.” says Erin. “Really though?” she asks pouting.

“You guys you always were losing.” says the conedienne. “They really are different than you.”

“How?” asks Mina Kimes, eating ramen without irony.

“Have you ever eaten Ramen?” asks Jonah.

“Yes. A few times.” says Lacey.

“Literally a few times.” says Chris Hayes. “We ate that a lot! We couldn’t afford anything else!”

“That’s a myth.” says Lacey.

“Is your family evil?” a reader asks Jonah. “Pizza? Child acting? Do you funnel child hostages?”

“No.” says Jonah Wiley, of Instagram and Tik Tok.

“Okay. We’re watching you. Don’t be so arrogant.” says a man to Jonah.

“Yeah! I went to Kings College. I’m a genius. Don’t be so sure you’re keeping up with her intellectually. It’s dangerous. Truly.” says Lord Snotgrass.

“So! You’re white trash because you’re not fucking cars.” says John Hamm.

“Yes.” says the comedienne sincerely.

“On it! Did it! Done!” says bourgeois France. “Made a movie!”

Selma Hayeks huge big boobs bounce. Like beach balls. Literally. Are they real? Unlikely.

“See! That’s having sex with a car.” says Ed Nesheim about Selma Hayek.

“You must say her name with an exotic accent.” says Ché.

“Why? She’s not old money. He’s not really either.” says Jane Birkin.

“Why?” asks Richard Gere.

“They just aren’t.” says Lem. “It’s too mind numbing and headache inducing to have to explain why. Maybe later.”

“What if they’re good people?” asks Erin Gloria Ryan. “Isn’t that bad for you?”

“No. It’s not. They’d be liars if they pretended otherwise.” says John Belter. “From what I can tell.”

“Selma. Are you crying?” asks Michael Rockefeller.

“Yeah. That’s mean.” she says.

“See! That’s why I hate the truth. It makes me feel insecure and plain looking. I’m mildly intelligent not a genius. But I imagine I’m Lacey. And then magically I am. That’s my truth.” says Ruth Beaver sincerely.

“You go girl!” sibcerejsays Dr. Robin Lauermann to Ruth Beaver.

“Yo you rock on!” says Evie Telfer with sincerity to Ruth Beaver.

“I’m hot! And old money.” says Selma Hayek.

“No. You’re not. It’s so obvious you’re new money.” says Casi.

“Yes. I’m bad at English. And I act overtly like a high class prostitute.” says Selma. “But I’m old money.”

“What’s old money anyway?” asks Diego Blue eating saltines awkwardly.

“Lacey is gay!” yells Ruth Beaver.

“I’m Jesus Christ!” sings the Illuminati feminine voice. They’re being serious.

“We are! We love like Jesus because we ARE Jesus.” says the Illuminati feminine voice.

“You all think you ARE JESUS?!” asks a psychologist.

“Yes! We are. All of us. It’s like Jesus is magically us now. We may hate him and be the Antichrist. Or…we might just be insane.” says the Illuminati feminine.

“Where does Diego Blue live?” asks Rod Stewart.

“In our basement.” says Kate Shaw Hayes.

“Oh! Really?” asks Louis Hill Jr..

“Yes! He’s our puppet. Like we’re the puppets of Selma Hayek.” says Kate Shaw Hayes.

“Then let’s watch as the ‘people who want to believe they own people in mass quantities worldwide’ dance sexy with expensive cars.” says Selma Hayek’s husband.